01x02 - Fat City

[bunniefuu]

I tell you, Douglas,
that bank is stealing my money.

For the last time, it's a
service charge. Get in the car.

Thieves!

It's a dollar. Let it go.

- Can you give me a second, please?
- It's locked.

- I know, you gotta wait one sec, okay?
- Try it now?

- No, not yet. Every time...
- Now?

- No, not yet. When you keep doing...
- Now? Now? Now?

All right, you know what?
Step away from the car.

Sit down on the curb,
I'll come around and let you in.

Hey, honey. Come here.

What? What now?

I got my boxes out of storage today.
Look at all this.

Your mother's old things, ukulele,
Communist Party literature...

Oh, and here we go.

I think you know what these are.

Your photo albums.

I've seen those.

...a lot.

Come on. It's gonna happen.

Don't fight it.

Honey?

We're out of jerky.

Oh, you're right. I am so sorry.

Why don't you come
have a seat right there...

Sit right there, and I'm gonna go...

...do something else.

Honey?

Here's another beaut.

Ocean City, .
That's me in the pompadour.

There we are
in Hershey, Pennsylvania,

getting the chocolate tour.

And there's what a flesh-eating bacteria
can do to the human hand.

There's the lake at Camp Wigwam.

And there's me in the trenches
with Mickey Dugan,

right after his leg got blown off.

Wow, maybe you should think about
organizing these a little, huh?

What do you mean?

I don't know.
Maybe get two books, you know?

One for family stuff
and one for bloody carnage.

Look at that. Little Carrie.

- Look at her, what is she, about ?
- Yeah.

Oh, look at her here.
She's just a little baby in the bathtub.

Look at that tushy,
I could just bite it.

- That's me.
- Damn it, Arthur!

Organise these, would you?

Hey, who's that?

That's my first wife, Sophia.
Carrie's mom.

- It is?
- Yeah.

That's up in the Catskills,
about a year before she passed.

Wow, I didn't realise she was so...

Fat?

Oh, yeah. Big girl.

But I've seen other pictures of her.
She wasn't so...

Fat?

Yeah, she was slim like Carrie
when I first met her,

but eventually she just got,
you know.

- Fat?
- Hey, you're talking about my wife!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Actually, I didn't mind a bit.

Just so much more to love.

Then you must have adored her.

You know, it's funny.

All the women in that family
start out thin,

and then just blow up.

Must be the genes.

Honey, funny thing
at the office today.

Somebody shoves a birthday card
in front of me

and says, "We're all signing it,
it's for Chris."

I'm thinking it's Chris,
the kid who runs the copy machine,

so I write, "Happy birthday to the
sexiest thing in the office", right?

Turns out,

that it's for Christine,
the senior partner.

So either I'm fired
or I got a new girlfriend.

Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Well, you had a weird look
on your face.

No, I was just thinking
how beautiful you are,

and how happy I am with the life
that we built together.

Whatever.

Hey, what are you doing?

I thought I'd pick you up,
carry you over to the bed.

It's romantic.

Okay.

Hey, you.

It's romantic, huh?

Not yet.

All right.

There you go.

Hey, that was great.

I'm gonna go watch the news, okay?

Did you see what they did
to the snack machine?

You know G- , the big cookie?

Now it's raisins, the yellow ones.
What the hell is that about?

Hey, Deac, let me ask you.
Do you think Carrie's gained weight?

What?

Carrie, my wife.
Do you think she's gained weight?

Couple pounds maybe?

I don't know. Every time I see her,
she's blocked by you.

I know I'm fat, all right?
That's a given.

Oh, good, because I didn't wanna
have to break that to you, you know?

Yeah, but you know what,
I'm not gaining, okay? I've plateaued.

Everything now is just maintenance.

Even if she has gained some weight,
there's nothing you can do about it.

Sure there is.
I can talk to her about it.

Actually, I'm gonna.

Let me ask you a question.

Would you say, basically,
your life is good right now?

- Yeah.
- Good wife, good job, the whole thing?

- Yeah.
- Don't pick at it.

Carrie and I have
a very open relationship.

We talk about things.
I think I can bring it up.

Oh, really?
Well, let me tell you a little story.

Last summer, I noticed
that Kelly had put on about pounds,

so I figured, like you,
that I'd bring it up, all casual,

like really supportive and everything.

It's been seven months, okay,
and my life still isn't back to normal.

She was so mad at me
that she kept the pounds,

and gained another ,
just as spite-weight.

You know what? I think Carrie
can take constructive criticism

a little bit better than Kelly.

Okay, fine. Then go with God.

What happened to my coffee cake?

What?

You ate my cake?

Was that yours?

Well, I put it on my plate.
I didn't think I had to label it.

Whatever, I'll just have
a doughnut or something.

Hey, you know what?

Don't scream. What?

I was just thinking.
You know what? You're right.

I shouldn't have eaten
that coffee cake, you know?

I'm so fat, you know?

I just really need
to lose some weight.

You know what?
We should go on a diet together

so I could take some of this off.

We?

Yeah, you know,
I feel bloated, you know?

Very disgusting right now,
and I just really feel,

if we went on a diet, that...

...it'd really do the trick.

And is there a reason
you keep saying "we"?

Yeah, it's just like:

"We're on a diet!"

What do you think, I'm an idiot?

If you want me to lose weight,
why don't you just come out and say it?

Okay, look, I know it's ridiculous
for me to be bringing this up.

I mean, look at me, I look like
I'm in my th trimester here.

Maybe it is possible
that over the last couple of years,

you have gained
a few tiny, tiny pounds.

It is so not a big deal, Carrie.
I mean, Deacon's wife...

He said she gained, like, pounds.
So, by comparison, this is nothing.

You talked to Deacon about this?

No, I would never do that. No.

Honey, I shouldn't have ever
brought this up, I'm sorry.

It's... You're right, I...

Maybe I have put on a few pounds,
but I will take it off.

- Only if you're okay with it.
- I said I would, I will.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Well, great.
- Great.

Hey, baby, who's my best girl, huh?

You are.

Hey, what do you got there?

Three ounces of poached haddock.

Nice.

We're dining in style tonight, huh?

Greetings, one and all.
Sorry I'm late,

but I was going through those boxes
and found my old little black book.

Sit down, Dad. Dinner's ready.

Lenore Bickle.

I should give
that little hottie a call.

I wonder if she's still
at Klondike .

Maybe after dinner you can ask Myrtle
to patch you through.

Dinner Italiano.

Aren't you having anything,
sweetheart?

No. I'm on a diet.

You kids with your dieting
and your health.

In my day, we dropped dead
of a massive coronary in our mid- s

and we liked it.

It's fine, Dad.
I wanted to lose weight.

Honey, could you pass the
I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Dressing?

Thank you.

All right, this is stupid.
You don't need to lose weight.

- You're fine the way you are.
- No, no, no, I'm doing this.

Here, let me give you
some spaghetti.

No, Doug, please.
Would you just leave me alone?

All right, if you're going on a diet,
then I'm going on a diet.

Hey, stop with the diet talk!
It's crazy.

Actually, you could
lose a few pounds.

Well, I intend to, okay?
I'll tell you that right now.

I'm gonna fix myself
a nice plate right here.

Good hunk of haddock,

some veggies,

and I am golden.

Honey, was that enough for you?

Oh, yeah. Plenty.

Couldn't eat another drop.

Sweet broccoli.

Honey, I gotta tell you,
I am loving this celery.

And unlike a chilli dog,
no mess in the bed.

Flannels?

What happened to that cute number
you were wearing last night?

What are those on your PJs?

Ducks.

You know, I've always been
a little attracted to ducks.

Webbed feet, feathers.

Flying in a V.

What's the matter?

I guess I'm a little tired
from being so fat.

Come on, Carrie.
I should have never brought this up.

That stupid picture.

What picture?

When your Dad
was showing me the albums,

there was this picture
of your mother, and I--

Oh, I get it, so because my mom
gained a lot of weight,

you're afraid I'm going to?

No, not afraid.

Just mildly aware.

Come on, I really wanna know.

How would you feel
if I did end up looking like my mother?

I'd be fine with it.

Doug, I could see your reflection
in the window.

- What did you do? What did you do?
- What?

You told Carrie what I said
about my wife being overweight?

What? I don't- I think you're wrong.

I'm not wrong. They talk.

Damn it,
what are you doing to me, huh?

I thought I'd make Carrie feel better.
I didn't think--

That's right, you didn't think.
Seven months of work, undone.

I came home last night
and Kelly was weeping

and giving me the finger
at the same time.

Never seen that before.

If it's any consolation to you,
my life is hell too.

- That does make me feel better.
- Now I'm on a diet.

Carrie won't sleep with me.

No sex. No food.

If the cable goes out,
I'm gonna have to k*ll myself.

Didn't I warn you
not to pick at your life?

Hey, what's on that?

But you couldn't
listen, could you? No.

"We talk. We communicate."

Look at you now.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hello, darling. Where were you?

At the gym.

Nothing like jumping jacks
and the old vibrating belt

to get you in the pink, huh?

- Right.
- Look what I found in here.

Some pictures from your wedding.

What year was that?

Ninety-five.

That was a simpler time, wasn't it?

Oh, look at me in my wedding dress.

- I looked good, didn't I?
- Breathtaking.

Well, those days are gone.

What are you talking about?

Now I'm just getting older
and gaining weight,

and before I know it, I'm just gonna be
big and fat and not attractive anymore.

You're crazy.

And even if you do gain
a little weight, believe me...

- ...men like that.
- No, they don't.

Oh, no? Look at this.

Look at the women in here.

Full-figured and voluptuous.

This is a men's magazine.

This is what men like.

"Va-Voom. April, ."

Okay, so what was
the big emergency?

Okay.

Here's the thing.

What would make you feel better
if someone told you

you'd gained a couple pounds?

Oh, my God.

You called me all the way down here
just to tell me I look fat?

What, in a crowded bar,
to keep me from making a scene?

Will you relax?
I'm talking about your sister.

Oh, thank God.

I made a stupid comment
about her weight,

and I think I might have upset her
a little bit.

Seriously though, do I look chubby?

No!

Okay, look, Doug,
saying that you've gained weight

is the worst thing
you could say to a woman.

It's like, you know,

what if Carrie told you that sometimes
you didn't satisfy her sexually?

Did she say that?

No.

Why did you pause?

- Did I pause?
- Yes, there was a long pause.

Sara, tell me, did she say that?
What did she say?

Okay, she didn't say that, no.

But something like that?

- No, not really.
- Another pause. Stop pausing!

Look, I'm just thinking
about how fat I am, okay?

- I feel like I've been shot.
- Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Honey?

Lordy, Lordy, Lord.

- Hello.
- What are you doing?

I just ate an entire yule log
I was saving for Christmas.

Now I'm even fatter,
and we have no holiday dessert.

Oh, honey.

You got out your wedding dress.

You were right.
I couldn't even zip it up.

I'm just a big, fat fatty.

You just can't reach the zipper.
Here, let me.

Okay, inhale a little.

Little more.

There you go.

I'm dizzy.

You know what?

So what? You know, who cares?
You still look great.

No, I don't.

Doug, the day I wore this dress
three years ago,

that's the best I'm ever gonna look.

It's all downhill from here.

- It is not downhill.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, yes, yes, it is.

Look. Look. Look.
This is my mother's dress.

One day, I'm gonna fill out
this entire thing.

- You know what? Give me the dress.
- What?

Give me the dress.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna put on your mother's dress.

- Why?
- Why?

Because it will be
way too small for me.

Which means that even if you do
get to be as big as her,

I'll still be bigger.

Which means you'll always,
always be my skinny wife.

It fits.

Actually,
it needs to be taken in a little.

Carrie, just...

I'm begging you to let go of this.

I want you to stop feeling bad.

I want us to laugh.

I want us to have sex.

For the sweet love of God,
I want a sandwich.

Listen to me.

I think you're beautiful.
You'll always, always be beautiful.

- Yeah, right.
- Yes.

Right.

But what if I do get fat?

Just come in under a metric ton.

- Or sag?
- Hey, sagging is great.

What if I get stretch marks
and retain water?

I love water.

Look at you in this thing.

- You're liking this, aren't you?
- Yeah.

- You know what's scaring me?
- What?

Something feels right.

Douglas, a little advice:

Wear a slip with that.

What a night, huh?

Some Chinese food,

followed by some good deli,

followed by some good loving
with the most beautiful girl I know.

Oh, honey, that's sweet.

So the loving part...

Was my performance
to my lady's liking?

Yeah.

What was that pause?