01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

They just delivered the TV
an hour ago and, Kelly,

this thing is so gigantic,
it's ridiculous.

I mean, the instruction book
is bigger than our old TV.

Oh, let me go, Doug's home.
Okay, bye.

Oh, yeah? Well, for your information,
these are official company issue!

- Doug.
- No, no, you shut up!

- Doug.
- He's making fun of my shorts again.

He's five. Be the bigger man.

It's just frustrating, you know?

He's so well-dressed, I can't
come back at him with anything.

Hey, what are you doing home
from work?

My boss was trying a case in Jersey,
so I snuck out early.

Come on, come on.
I have a huge surprise for you.

- You're pregnant? Yes!
- No.

- Thank God!
- Would you stop?

There's something
in the basement for you.

What?

Oh, something I arranged to have
delivered today, three days early.

- You- You don't mean in-?
- That's correct.

I love you.

And I know, in time,
you'll learn to love me too.

- Man, I gotta call the guys.
- Already did. On their way.

- You called them?
- Yup.

You are the best
mail-order bride ever.

So that's it, cutie.
Your cave is complete.

Yeah, I just love it down here,
you know?

It's like someone
stuffed some shag carpet

and a foosball table
into my mother's womb.

- Doug? Doug, Doug, you got the TV?!
- Yeah, it's down here!

Your friends are here.

I can't feel my legs.

Damn, that's a nice TV.

Would you look at the action
on this baby? She just glides.

Look at that, I'm on two,
I'm on three, back to two, then:

Hello, !

Could we leave it on one channel,
please?

Look at this, picture-in-picture.

Oh, look at this,
picture-in-picture-in-picture.

I'm begging you.
You're gonna trigger my epilepsy.

All right, all right, I'll leave it on
two. I wanna catch the news, anyway.

- The news?
- Yeah, the news.

Clinton's in China
negotiating a big trade thing.

Maybe you'll learn something.

...Report both sides are satisfied

that a successful agreement
was achieved.

The first lady
accompanied the president-

Would you do Hillary?

It's a first lady,
you gotta do it.

I don't know. She's filling out that skirt
a little bit too much for my taste.

No, see, I love a little
jiggle-jiggle on a first lady.

Quite a think t*nk
you two have going.

Doug, it's after !
Enough with the TV!

All right! You guys, come on,
you better get out of here.

- Douglas, my man, you are whipped.
- Yeah, man, you're whipped.

What are you talking about?
You still live with your mother.

She doesn't drive!

Now, listen up, sphincters,

we inaugurate this bad boy : ,
Sunday, Jets-Miami.

- You got it?
- Sunday it is. Doug.

Oh, O'Donnell fades back to pass,
he's open.

- Doug!
- Okay, honey. Love you!

Come on, come on,
keep it moving, keep it moving.

Go home to your wives and mother.

She doesn't drive!

All right, I'll see you mooks
on Sunday.

Richie, don't pee there!

All right, there.

- I love those guys.
- Well, good.

Maybe you can toilet train them,
you know?

- Hello.
- Hi.

Listen, thanks again
for getting the TV here early.

You're just- You're so great.

Oh, heck.

What do you say
we rent a movie tonight,

we crack open a box of wine
and make a night of it?

Tonight? You know we can't tonight.

Why not?

Dinner at my dad's house?
Remember?

I put the Post-it note on your head?

Oh, come on, no, Carrie, please,
don't make me go to that bad place.

Stop. It's just dinner.
It'll be painless.

Yeah, for you, you get to stay inside
with his latest wife, what's-her-name?

- Tessie.
- Tessie, right, yeah.

Meanwhile, your wacko father's got me
combing the streets for broken glass.

You know, you really should tell him
it's never gonna be a form of currency.

All right, I admit, he's a little out there,
but we can't keep cancelling on them.

I don't think they believed
the last excuse you gave them.

What was it,
that you were stuck in a well?

- All right, I choked.
- Yeah.

I did.

Come on, Car. I feel like
being alone with you tonight.

You know, it has been days
since I've enjoyed you.

And I assume it's been months
since you've enjoyed me.

- All right, all right, I'll cancel.
- Yes!

You're pathetic.

Will you look at this thing?
It's like the cockpit of a .

Oh, lights up.

It's dark, but I can still see
where the buttons are.

All right. Enough with that already.

I thought you wanted
to fool around tonight.

I do. I'm ready. You ready?

My friend, I've been looking
at Denzel Washington for two hours.

I'm ready!

- Let's rumble.
- All right.

Now, you, I want a clean fight.
Protect yourself at all times.

- What's that?
- It's just urgent knocking. It'll go away.

- Stop, I'll get it.
- No, no, no, you stay here.

You gotta stay focused, okay?
Hey, stay in the mood.

Hey, it's all coming back.

- Sara.
- I--

Let me guess, some huge crisis,
you need to talk to your sister.

- Yes!
- Yeah, no, sorry.

Tessie died!

Tessie died?

Oh, man.

Yeah, I got home from acting class,

and Dad told me
she'd had a heart attack.

What a shock, huh?

Yeah, I know, isn't it?

So how's your dad doing?

He's pretty broken up.

How about you? You all right?

Well, you know, I'm wet.
Your sprinklers just came on.

Poor Dad.
This has got to be tough on him.

With Tessie gone,
he's gotta be heartbroken, you know?

This is not mustard from a jar.
This is deli mustard.

Try it, come on.

I'm gonna go talk to Sara.
Spend some time with him, okay?

So...

How you doing, Arthur?
How you holding up?

Look at that guy.

- What guy?
- That freak over at the buffet table.

He's stealing food.

See that piece of ham?

Watch. It's going right in his pocket.

- He's making a sandwich.
- Another one? That's his third!

Yeah, you!

I guess my wife's dropping dead's
made you pretty hungry, huh?

Well, that's it, I'm cutting you off!

Doug, let's get his ham!

God, a retirement home?

I don't know, Carrie, is it, like,
evil of us to do that to him?

Will you stop? We talked about this.
It's the best thing.

I know, but don't those places
sometimes do

you know,
experiments on old people, you know,

like testing perfume in their eyes,
or making them run mazes?

No.

Okay, but even so, if he sells
his house, hi, where am I gonna go?

I've been living here rent-free.

- Don't you have any money saved?
- No.

I thought I was gonna get
that big Mentos commercial,

but they didn't think I was fresh
and full of life. Stupid schmucks.

All right, you can stay with us
for a while.

No! Oh, God, thank you!
Thank you so much!

Oh, hey, can I paint my room black?

Honey? Your father's frightening
the other mourners.

Oh, I'm on my way.

What are you holding?

Oh, this is some guy's ham,

and this is his wife's potato salad.

Thanks for everything, padre.
You did a great job.

Here,

go get yourself an egg cream.

Dad? Sara and I really need
to talk to you about something.

What is it, darling?

Well, now that Tessie's gone,

things are probably
gonna change quite a bit.

Yeah, and you know, Dad,
I was thinking,

maybe I should just get out
of your way around here.

In fact, Doug and Carrie
agreed to let me stay with them

until I can afford my own place.

Well, that's just fine, sweetheart.

Now I can turn your room
into a little greenhouse,

grow some stuff
to help my glaucoma.

Dad, actually, you know,
there's more.

It's- Carrie, you-?

Well, Dad, we thought, you know,
under the circumstances,

you might be happier
if you sold the house

and moved into a nice,
lovely retirement home.

I got two words for you:
I'm staying right here!

- That's four words.
- Oh, is it?

Then I got another four words:
Screw you!

That's two words.

You should stop saying in advance
how many words you have.

Once you do that,
you're locked in, huh?

- You're locked in.
- Yeah, right. Okay, thank you.

Dad, look, we love you,
and we respect you,

but let's face it,
you need a lot of watching.

- I resent that!
- Oh, Dad, please!

The last time Tessie
left you alone for two minutes

she found you re-shingling the roof
with no pants!

And no shingles!

So because a man is old,
because he has a few eccentricities,

you're ready to put him down
like a lame horse, is that it?

Well, let me tell you something.

As long as I've got the strength
to draw a breath,

as long as I've got one ounce
of dignity in my bones,

I'm gonna live by myself,
take care of myself right here,

in the house that I built
with my own two hands!

I wonder if it's too late
to get insurance.

Hey, what's going on?

Guess who won himself $
in poker tonight?

If you guessed Doug Heffernan,
you might just be right.

What's the matter?

What's your dad doing here,
anyway?

And why does he smell
like hickory-smoked bacon?

Well, Dad decided to cook his dinner
on a -year-old hot plate,

and he burned his house down.

He what?

But there's a whole big kitchen
in there.

What the hell's he cooking
on a hot plate for?

Apparently,
it was his lucky hot plate.

It is lucky.

It's the only thing
that survived the fire!

Well, I guess I'll unpack now.

Good night.

I really screwed up, didn't I?

At least no one was hurt.

Sara's okay, you're okay,
that's the main thing.

I'm not okay.

I'm just a stupid old fool who's
overstayed his welcome on this earth.

Carrie,

why don't you pick out
one of those places for me,

and I'll go without a fight.

By the way, honey, if you want,

I can take a personal day
from work tomorrow,

we can check out some
of those retirement places.

There's a nice one I deliver to,
right off of Queens Boulevard.

They have very good macaroni
and cheese.

Hey, what's the matter?

Doug, upstairs it just hit me.

I can't do this to him.

I can't stick him in some crappy place
where they're gonna

just prop him up in a chair
and pump him full of Jell-O.

I mean, he's my father.

Car, I know how you feel,

but you gotta be realistic.
There's no alternative.

Well, there is one alternative.

Euthanasia?

Do we dare?

No.

I was talking about him living here.

Here? With us? I mean, how?
We don't have the room.

Sara's gonna be
in the spare bedroom, right?

- Yeah.
- Well, there's no other room.

I mean, there's this room,
but this room is...

Oh, no. No, no, no.
This is my safe place.

- I'm safe here, remember?
- Did you see his face?

When he talked about going
into a retirement home,

he looked so depressed.

Is that what you got, depressed?
See, I didn't get depressed.

No, I read it more like a nervous,
fun energy.

Like a kid going to summer camp
for the first time.

It's scary, but, hey,
there's arts and crafts!

Oh, whoa, come on,
don't do that, don't.

I'm sorry, it's just
I feel so guilty about my dad,

but I feel like
if I help him it hurts you,

and I don't want to hurt you,
I love you.

Come on, Carrie, don't cry.
Come on, when you cry, I...

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

He can live here, it's okay.

Oh, honey, are you sure?

Yeah, this room's stupid anyway.

Honey, you're the best.

Thank you so much.
Let's go tell Dad.

- Oh, God.
- Are you okay?

I need a few minutes.

- Could you hold me?
- Yeah.

Come on,
you gotta make those tackles.

They're gonna blow it.

They're already down - .

Or at least I think that's the score.
I can't see the bottom of the screen.

Richie, come on, eat over a plate.

Carrie doesn't want to
get crumbs on the duvet.

What's a duvet?

Look, I don't know, but she was
pointing to that area when she said it.

Pull the covers off.

- Oh, it's drafty. My legs are-
- Pull the covers off!

All right.
Why are you in such a foul mood?

Because I'm watching a football game
on something called a duvet.

- This sucks.
- What do you want me to do?

I mean, I live with
my wife's family now, okay?

At least you get to go home.

Back with scores
and highlights after this.

Hey, Moose, question for you.

Now that your wife's sister moved in,
do the two of them ever, you know,

get into an argument, and maybe
start whacking each other with pillows,

next thing you know,
a little playful wrestling

leads to a lingering kiss?

I'm asking.

Is this Egyptian cotton, because--

Would you give me that?!

See, when you can do this,

that means it's time
to buy a new one, okay?

Okay, this isn't about the milk,
is it, Carrie?

No, this is about me losing that set
of house keys with your address on it.

- What?
- Oh, you heard me.

You wanna...

Okay, honey, I'm out.

- Oh, jeez!
- Oh, don't mind me, keep shaving.

Sara, what are you doing?
I haven't showered yet!

If I'm late for this audition
there's no way I'll get it.

Just give me five minutes.
Okay, half-hour, tops.

The subway's gonna be
a disaster this morning.

Your face.

Why did you cut yourself so much?

I'd rather not say.

And why are you still
in your pyjamas, hon?

It's quarter to .
Have you even showered?

No, your sister's been in there
for minutes.

Did you try flushing the toilet?

Yeah, she just screams
and keeps showering.

All right, I'll get her out.

Well, slept like a baby!

Seventy-five years old, and I still
wake up with the little guy saluting.

- I'm out of the bathroom!
- Let me at it.

I have a good feeling.
This could be my day.

Doug? I got your wife on the line.
Should I patch her through?

Yeah, yeah, please.

- Doug?
- Hey, babe.

Hi. How's it going?

Been better.

I was a half-hour late to work,
and my boss ripped me a new one.

Again, honey?
That's your fourth one this month.

So, what's up?

Nothing. I was just sitting here,
thinking about you,

and how much I love you,

and how great you've been
about Dad moving in and everything.

No big deal.

No, it is. I mean, living with us
has calmed him down so much.

In fact, I just spoke to him an hour ago
and he said he was just gonna

spend the rest of the afternoon
in his room reading.

Isn't that something?

Doug?

Doug?

What are you so upset about?
I was just going to the movies.

You see, that part's fine. Just fine.

The part I'm having a problem with,
Dad, is the hookers!

Look, the fact is I was lonely.

I just didn't want to go
to the movies by myself.

That's all there was to it.

He didn't have to embarrass me
in front of my ho's.

Okay.

Embarrass you?
Excuse me, who'd they pepper spray?!

Hey, you guys.
I'm thinking about having a party here.

- Is Tuesday okay?
- No, it's not.

And not Wednesday, either.
I'm having the Kiwanis club over.

Well, can't you just move it
to Thursday?

- No, Thursday's not-
- That's it! Listen up, okay?

Hey, this is my house!
I pay the mortgage here.

Actually, she pays the mortgage,
it's a tax thing.

The point is, starting now,
here are the rules, all right?

No parties. No Kiwanis. No hookers.

No jumping in line for the bathroom,
making me late for work.

And certainly no naked,
soapy silhouettes

getting me all hot
while I'm trying to shave.

You got that, Arthur?

Oh, God, finally.

Sara's out on a date, Dad's nailed
into the basement for the night,

so it's just you and me, Doug,
if that is your real name.

What's the matter?

I'm not in the mood.

- Why not?
- I feel fat.

Would you stop it?
You're not fat. You're...

- I know, husky.
- Husky.

- Yeah, I'm husky.
- That's right.

Now, what's really going on?

I just miss the way things
used to be.

You know,
when it was just you and me,

and we had the house to ourselves,

and we could watch the top
and bottom half of a movie.

I know. I know. Me too.

But look at it this way,

sometimes the top half of a movie
is all you need.

Right?

I guess you're right.

Wait. Top half of a movie
is all you need?

What the hell does that mean?

It means nothing. It means nothing.

We haven't had sex in a month.
So if you wanna talk, let's talk after.

- Yeah, if I'm still awake, baby.
- Okay.

Did you confiscate
your dad's hot plate?

I should have, shouldn't I?

Let's just keep going
until we smell smoke.