03x02 - Believe in the Stars

[bunniefuu]

Mm-hmm.

Uh, is this important?

It'll just take a second.

[Sighing] Fine, but Mr. Donaghy is on another call right now and doesn't have time for a separate interaction with you.

So everything he says will have to work for both conversations.

Really? Lemon.

Lemon works for your business call?

Oh, right, well, I just wanted to let you know that I have to go to Chicago for jury duty because I never changed my residence to New York.

Why not?

Because I wanted to vote in a swing state, Jack.

Also, I want to stay on the mailing list at Chicago pizza expl*si*n.

How fast can you turn it around?

Who, me? Oh, right.

I'll fly back in the morning.

I never get put in a jury.

I wear my Princess Leia costume, and they dismiss me immediately.

Well, that sounds good for both of us.

Thank you very much, sir.

Ha. That last part didn't work both ways.

You said sir.

I think it worked fine.

I'll have Jonathan call travel and upgrade your flight.

Sweet. What do you take to fly?

Candy and magazines.

No, no, no. Pills.

Nobody flies without medication anymore.

Why shouldn't you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?

Comanaprisil?

It may cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.

It's... very good.

(Jonathan) Tyler Brody on two, sir.

Tyler Brody? The dude from the Olympics?

Yes, he was the silver medalist in tetherball.

(Sports announcer) Speedman's caught an angle.

Tyler Brody is flailing.

And there's the coil.

Lance Speedman is the olympic tetherball champion.

And Tyler Brody can't believe it.

Boy, there sure are a lot of weird olympic events these days.

Not that weird, Lemon.

Tetherball we faked.

What? Why would you fake an olympic event?

For ratings.

We staged several events so that Americans could win more medals.

That's despicable.

It took years of planning, and now Tyler Brody is threatening to go public and ruin everything.

So, obviously, I have a lot on my plate and no time to babysit the sixth floor, so before you go gallivanting off to Chicago, make sure you get your people under control.

Be a Manager. Yeah, yeah.

Liz, Tracy is countersuing me.

Good morning. For defamation of character.

How can you defame someone who's been arrested in three different Chuck E. Cheese's?

Do y'all know who I am?

Seriously. Please, tell me who I am.

Jenna, I'm not taking sides in this lawsuit thing.

It's ridiculous.

Tracy's video game never would have worked without my voice acting.

I deserve to get paid.

Liz Lemon!

Nemesis. Yuck.

Liz, will you tell Tracy I don't even want to speak with him.

Okay, two can play at that game.

Liz, could you please tell Kenneth that Liz wants him?

That's not even... Okay, that's it.

I am calling human resources and setting up a mediation for you.

I told you. I don't drink that much at work.

Mediation is a binding form of non-judicial dispute resolution.

I watched Boston legal nine times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek.

Hmm.

Liz, you have to admit this is unfair.

I got nothing.

Meanwhile, Grizz and Dot Com bought a boat.

Cape Hatteras is lovely this time of year.

Oh, well, of course, Tracy takes care of his boys and not you.

He thinks he can take advantage of you because you're a woman.

Men think they can get away with anything.

It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the oscars.

No one has it harder in this country today than women.

It turns out we can't be president, we can't be network news anchors, Madonna's arms look crazy. Mm-hmm.

Tyler, I know you're upset we didn't pick you for the gold, and I'm going to make it up to you.

How would you like to host deal or no deal in the privacy of your own home?

I think I'll hold a press conference instead, tell the world there's no such thing as olympic tetherball...

Or synchronized running...

Or octuples tennis.

It's all a lie.

A white lie that did a lot of good for this country's morale.

Did you know that president Bush's approval rating was almost as high as 15% following the Olympics?

Gasp. Olympic hero Tyler Brody.

Olympic fraud.

There is no such thing as olympic tetherball.

They made it all up for the ratings.

What are you saying?

Tyler...

You can be the voice of Knight Rider.

The film.

I'm listening.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator.

And you two are having a dispute.

Now why is that?

Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.

What? Please.

We are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks.

It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the oscars.

White people stole jazz, rock and roll, will Smith, and heart disease.

Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.

Okay, well, if we look at how voice actors are normally compensated...

Liz says in this day's america, it's harder to be a woman than a black man.

Liz Lemon? That chick is dumb. Okay.

Tracy, do you know women still get paid less than men for doing the same job?

Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an overweight, transgender in this country?

(Female flight attendant) In preparation for landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport...

[Liz snores]

No, grandma, no.

[Snores loudly]

"Believe in the stars."

It's like that doesn't even mean anything anymore.

Kenneth.

I'm sure I can trust your discretion about what happened in my office today.

What you overheard was some rather grown-up talk.

Was any of it real, Mr. Donaghy?

Beer pong, jazzercise, women's soccer.

You're not in stone mountain anymore, Kenneth.

This is the real world, and not everything is in black and white.

There's always a right thing to do, Mr. Donaghy.

Just sometimes, it's not the easy thing to do.

Tyler Brody was not the only hero I lost today, sir.

The other hero was you, in case that...

I got it, Kenneth.

If it weren't for you people, I'd still be in Africa.

Gorgeous, politically stable Africa.

My people?

Women are the oppressed ones.

And it's even harder being a beautiful woman.

Everyone assumes I don't try in bed.

It's discrimination.

Whatever. You couldn't last one day in my shoes, Maroney.

Right, Toof? No, thank you.

(Jenna) I could totally be black.

You should try being a white woman.

Okay, I will. No, no, no, no.

I don't like where this is heading.

Freaky Friday social experiment.

Oh, it's on.

Where is Liz Lemon?

I don't really think it's fair for me to be on a jury because I can read thoughts.

Dismissed. [gavel pounds]

(Stewardess) Welcome aboard flight 1876 to New York.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Hello?

(Jack) Lemon, as part of our deal to keep him quiet, Tyler Brody is going to be on your show this week.

But he won't do any tetherball stuff.

Boy, Jack, it must be nice to dump your problems on other people.

It is.

Lemon, do you think Kenneth admires you?

Sure, that kid looks up to everybody.

He calls Tracy's lizards, "sir."

So someone would have to be a complete monster to lose his respect.

Yeah. I don't know what we're talking about.

(Jack) We're talking about nobody.

A hillbilly nobody that doesn't know anything.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Mm.

Hello?

Tracy is a white woman, Liz.

What?

He's trying to prove that being a white woman is easier than being a black man.

Wait, no, what about the mediation?

(Jenna) We are way past that.

This is gonna be bigger than when Tyra Banks put on that fat suit.

And don't worry, when I prove Tracy wrong, you'll get all the credit.

(Liz) What are you gonna do? Jenna?

Oh.

[Cell phone buzzes]

Hello?

Liz, it's Becky, your college roommate.

I'm sorry. Who?

(Tracy) Hey, Liz Lemon, you're already treating me with more respect.

Oh, god, Tracy.

(Tracy) You wait till I test this noise out on society.

Minds will be blown.

(Liz) No. No society.

Do not go outside. Do not let Jack Donaghy see you.

Tracis, listen to me... oh, boy.

This pill's damn strong.

(Tracy) You can't fix this, Liz Lemon.

It's about race. It's about being a woman.

Excuse me.

It's about money.

It's about being on TV.

And no one understands all that.

Hello.

I'ma call you back. I'm sitting next to Borpo.

Whoa, Portland's got a fun little waterfront.

[Sniffs]

Do you mind if I close this window shade?

I'm trying to adopt a baby, but my job is making it impossible because my work self is suffocating my life me.

I'm Liz Lemon, and I lost my virginity at 25.

I saw the show about following your fear, and it inspired me to wear shorts to work.

It didn't go great.

Do you know Tracy Jordan?

I took a pill earlier, but I didn't get my September issue of o magazine.

Do you have the number for subscriptions?

Why would you? [Laughing]

That's blagh!

I eat emotionally.

And one time at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare, but then she drowned.

And here comes some more stuff.

I hate my feet.

And once, I had a sex dream about Nate Berkus, but halfway through, he turned into Dr. Oz.

Has that ever happened to you?

Oh, a hug!

This is happening.

It's all right, Liz. It's all right.

Uh, I'm okay.

Please stay close.

Uh, can you keep your hands outside my clothes?

Okay. Good.

Kenneth, I'm a good person.

If you say so, sir.

But sometimes life is complicated.

There isn't always a right answer.

Say you're in a life boat.

You're on a life boat.

The boat holds eight people, but you have nine on board.

Either you will capsize and everyone will drown, or one person can be sacrificed to save the others.

Now how do you decide who should die?

Oh, I don't believe in hypothetical situations, Mr. Donaghy.

That's like lying to your brain.

Kenneth, you've lived a sheltered life.

Virtue never tested is no virtue at all.

Oh, I have been tested, sir.

There are only two things I love in this world:

Everybody and television.

But up in my neighborhood, we can't even afford cable.

So my neighbor the Colonel and I just watch whatever the old rabbit ears pick up.

A lot of folks have chosen to go ahead and steal cable from the poor, defenseless cable company.

But not me.

As bad as I want all those channels, I don't do it because stealing is wrong.

Kenneth, I'm familiar with the ten commandments.

Ten?

A lot of us women eat emotionally, Liz, and while we're not always in control of our feelings, we do control the decisions we make.

I know. Of course.

Now you say that you want a child.

And yet, you let Jenna and Tracy fill that role in your life.

Maybe you're afraid of taking that next step.

Oh, my god. That's it.

Now that we've leveled off, I think they're gonna serve us a little snack.

So true. So wise.

You know, when you say that to everything, it makes me feel like you're not listening.

Sorry.

Here. Try this.

It's wonderful. Salt water Taffy from Rhode Island.

Wow, is this one of your favorite things?

Oh, yes, and I have so many wonderful favorite things this year...

Sweater capes, calypso music, Paisley tops, Chinese checkers, high-heeled flip-flops that lift up your butt and give you a workout, and you, Liz Lemon.

Too many women are wearing themselves too thin these days.

And what suffers because of that?

Your bowel movements. Your personal life.

Personal life, yes.

I want to help you.

What can I do?

Oh, my god, would you say, "please welcome Liz Lemon"?

No, but here is what I will do.

While I'm in new York, if you want, I can stop by, and I can talk to Tracy and Jenna.

Solve that little problem for ya.

So you can concentrate on Liz for once.

Oh, you are the best person in the whole world.

[Snores]

Good grief.

[In falsetto] Hi, strangers.

Do you think I'm sexy?

Giggle, giggle, giggle.

Tracy, I know it's you, and, yeah, I do.

I'm meeting my girlfriends for brunch.

I hope we can sit outside.

Lipstick! [Giggles]

Jack, what are you doing down here?

It's been a real crazy day, Lemon.

We're bidding to build a wind farm in Turkey, I'm trying to convince the board to sell the locomotive division, and Kenneth is being a real stick-in-the-mud.

Well, there's nothing to see down here.

Everything is under control in studio 6-H.

Good morning.

No! No. No.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no. Wait, stop.

Why do you have a monster claw?

They ran out of white makeup because I insisted they do my buttocks.

Good morning.

What is going on here?

Jenna and I are doing a social experiment.

No, you're not.

Wait. What is Jenna doing?

(Jenna) ♪ you gotta ease on down ♪

♪ ease on down the road ♪ Right this minute. Stop that right now.

This is worse than when you wore your shorts to work.

You realize this is incredibly offensive.

Yes.

And you realize blackface makeup reignites racial stereotypes African-Americans have worked for hundreds of years to overcome.

Here we go.

Yeah, it's bad. I get it. Go get some baby wipes.

(Jenna) We're trying to prove who has it hardest in america, women or black men.

I'll tell you who has it the hardest.

White men.

We make the unpopular, difficult decisions, the tough choices.

We land on the moon and normandy beach, and yet they resent us.

(Kenneth) Well, sir, I'm sorry to disagree, but I am also a white man.

Uh, no, you are not.

Socioeconomically-speaking, you are more like an inner-city latina.

The point is, men like me have to step in and clean up messes like this.

No, you don't.

I've got this under control.

She's coming, Jack.

Oprah is coming.

And she's gonna fix everything.

Oprah.

[Elevator bell rings]

Oh, my, what was that?

We've tripped the emergency brake, Kenneth.

Mr. Donaghy.

And I've hermetically-sealed this elevator car.

No air can get in or out.

Don't worry, folks.

Help will be here soon.

And we have enough oxygen for eight people.

Unfortunately, there are nine of us in here now.

One must die.

Mr. Donaghy!

In the panel where the elevator phone should be, I've placed a p*stol loaded with one b*llet.

He's got a g*n! [Clicks]

(Passengers) Oh, my god! Oh, my god.

It's empty.

Then you'll have to choke me with my belt.

I will fight you. It's human nature.

What's wrong with you?

Oprah smells like rosewater and warm laundry.

[Sighs]

Did she tell you any of her new favorite things for this year?

Calypso, Paisley, Chinese checkers, and sweater capes.

Let's go to the mall.

Did she touch you?

(Jack) Well, Kenneth, I give up.

I thought pure morality died with Chuck heston, but you proved me wrong.

You are better than all of us.

You are one latina fantastica.

Hola.

Kenneth Ellen Parcell, you are my hero.

You don't mean hero like sandwich, do you?

No, Kenneth. Not like sandwich.

[Whistles]

Oh, no.

[Calypso music plays]

♪ ♪ Oprah's coming.

I haven't seen Oprah since she did that episode about the worst celebrity dads.

Um, Liz, your guest is here.

Oprah!

Hello, Liz Lemon!

Uh, how you doing? Hi.

What were you on? That's a kid.

That does explain some of the stuff she said.

I get to fly first class because my mom's a flight attendant.

I lost my headgear at six flags.

My boyfriend's in ninth grade.

It's not Oprah.

I thought it was Oprah.

It's a spunky little tween.

Now, as I'm sure Liz has told you, I am Pam.

Pam.

I'm a middle school class vice president, a certified and trained baby sitter, and I recently got Internet in my room.

I think I gave her wine.

I believe I can achieve anything.

So let's get down to solving this problem.

Which one of you is janna?

Hello, Mr. Donaghy.

Did you have a good night, Kenneth?

Oh, yes, sir.

Hardly any screaming from the Colonel.

Mm.

Actually, I was thinking, we all try to be perfect, but the world maybe, well...

Uh, what I'm trying to say...

There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels.

I know, Kenneth. It's okay.

I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy.

[Laughs]

Is spongebob squarepants supposed to be terrifying?

You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

[Silently] I knew it.

Yesterday, Liz and I realized that she's probably wearing the wrong bra size.

Oh.

Yup. That one's definitely bigger.

(Pam) And that made me feel sad.

Now show me your emotion drawings.

(Jenna) Tracy, your emotion is upside-down.

(Tracy) That's the way my world is right now.

I guess I'm gonna have to clean up your mess after all.

She's 12. How did I...

It's okay. It happens to the best of us.

In-flight medication is how I met M. Night Shyamalan until it turned out to be...

That was the best day of my life.

Liz, we worked it out.

(Tracy) I've been hearing, but I haven't been listening.

And I need to stop being a frenemy and be your real B.F.F.

Well, it looks like my work here is done.

So I'll see you at my parents' house for dinner.

My best friend Gail can't make it because she has some algebra test tomorrow.

Oh, Gail.

Good job, Lemon.

Good job, Pam, really.

Be a white man. Take credit.

Hmm.

♪ Lean on me when you're not strong ♪ We're not doing that now.

Stop that. Do you hear me?

I don't think I should be drinking this.

Oh, come on. Like you never have a drink?

Well, I did have some champagne at my cousin's wedding once.

Yeah, you did.

To Oprah.

My name is Pam.

[Laughing] Oh, Oprah!