03x13 - Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

[bunniefuu]

I was getting worried.

You didn't think I'd show, did you?

I'm not afraid of you, ray.

No reason to be.

So what's all this about a deal?

I just wanted to talk to you, man to man.

Without the judge and the lawyers.

If you think we're withdrawing that lawsuit, you can forget it.

Hey, look, kid... Steve...

You don't think I care about the environment, but I do.

My heart bleeds for the albino whipsnakes.

Alameda whipsnakes.

Whatever.

Look, I got 85 guys working on this crew, and they all got families.

And I care about them too.

When you called, I thought you were gonna offer to sell the land back so you could build your stupid strip mall someplace else.

And start all over again? I'd lose my shirt.

I'm already hemorrhaging money, thanks to you and your buddies.

Steve, Steve, wait, wait, wait.

Steve, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Come on, now.

You got expenses, right?

What will it take for you to find another swamp to cry over, huh?

You're trying to bribe me, ray?

Who do you think I am... you?

Listen, I told you, this is not about me.

This is about an endangered species that doesn't live anyplace else on the planet.

Oh, what the hell is a whipsnake, will you tell me?

You know, I've never seen one in my life!

Have you?

I'll see you in court, ray.

Okay, look, Steve, Steve. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I guess...

I guess I just didn't appreciate how deeply you felt about this thing.

I get it now, I do. I... come on.

I hate to argue with a passionate guy, and, well, that is what you are.

A passionate guy, huh? Ah...

What are you doing?

Well, I gotta find a pipe. It's gotta be the right size.

Not too big, not too small.

For what?

Well, it's gotta look like you hit your head on the steering wheel.

Uhh!

Whipsnakes.

[Randy Newman ragtime theme]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ You know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention, or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just k*ll you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

(Monk) Seatbelts on.

Everybody, seat belt check.

Yes, yes. They're on, they're on.

That was the 20th time.

Wow, that was really, you know, fun.

Who knew spending four hours in a car to watch a two-hour field hockey game could be so much fun?

Thanks for inviting me.

When's your next game?

Oh, that was Julie's last game of the season.

Ohh, that's too bad.

Mom, I gotta go.

Sweetie, why didn't you go at the game?

There was a porta-John right there.

I wanted to, but Mr. Monk said it wasn't sanitary.

You'll thank me later.

I'm going to pee all over the seat.

Honey, honey, there is a rest stop up ahead.

You're okay.

Maybe when there's pee all over the back seat, maybe then you'll believe me.

Whoa! Okay, Julie, wait.

No, don't do that. Not... not in the car.

I will give you $10 to hold it in.

What are you doing?

You can't pay a person not to pee.

Best money I ever spent.

Oh, sure he can.

It's called the free market.

I learned about it in school.

So, Mr. Monk, how much would you pay me not to throw up?

Oh, my gosh!

Did you see that guy?

I'm gonna report him.

No! No, no, no, no.

Mr. Monk, do not get involved.

You always regret it.

How am I gonna regret this?

[Cell phone beeping]

Hello? Yes.

I'd like to report one of your drivers.

We're heading north on the 101.

His license plate is cp08852.

The problem? He's driving like a maniac.

He's all over the road.

He's gonna k*ll somebody.

Really?

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you.

He said that driver's done this before.

And they're taking disciplinary measures.

Here.

What's this?

I'm returning your money.

I can't hold it in.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Julie, okay, look, just think about something else.

Let's play a game.

Uh, let's play the numbers game.

How do you play?

Oh, it's fun. I'll say a number.

Then you, you say a completely different number.

And then we just keep going until you never pee.

Ready? 72.

You know what I used to play?

I used to try to make the truckers honk their horns.

Watch this.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Whoo!

What a jerk.

Would you like me to report him?

No, no.

Who cares if the sidelines are perfectly straight?

It was not a rectangle.

That's not fair to the children.

Mr. Monk, you're the only person in north America...

[gasp]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

Is everybody okay? Julie!

I think so.

Oh... oh, my god. What is it, what is it?

Oh, no! Oh, Mr. Monk, what is it?

[Groans]

The pen in my pocket, it broke.

Leaked all over. See?

Look.

I think you're gonna live.

Ohh! Oh, what do you think happened?

Oh, the ink cartridge got snapped by the seatbelt.

I don't know.

Mr. Monk, why don't you go check it out?

I can't go like this! Can I?

I picked up your laundry this morning.

It's in the back.

Well, I hope it didn't get wrinkled in the accident.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello.

(Man) Steven?

No, you got the wrong number.

(Man) I don't think so. It's on my speed dial.

I call it every day.

Damn it.

[Beeping]

Pass it on... party in our car in 10 minutes.

Okay, but you might have to start without me.

There's going to be a party in that turquoise

1964 Mercury comet convertible in 10 minutes.

Pass it on.

Do you know what happened?

No, I was gonna take a look.

I'll come with you. They might need some help.

You're a doctor? Wouldn't that be great?

I should have been a doctor. My brother's a doctor.

That's the life. I'm a lawyer, at least for now.

This time next year, I'll probably be selling real estate.

If I'm lucky, which I'm not.

That's the spirit.

Heh. Garrett price.

Oh. Monk. Adrian monk.

Nice to meet you, Adrian. You know what?

Take the rest. I don't need them.

Use them to pick your teeth.

Man, what a mess.

Oh, my god.

Officer, how fast was he going?

Too fast. About 80 miles an hour.

He never passed me.

How's that?

This car... he never passed me.

If he was going that fast, I would have seen him.

You probably missed him.

You can't remember every car on the highway.

[Chuckles]

Can you?

Skid marks all up and down, but none near this vehicle.

He didn't put on his brakes.

You're right, wow. You could be a cop.

I am. At least, I used to be.

Then we have something in common.

Two guys who used to be something.

Car's in neutral.

Well, maybe the gear thing slipped in the collision.

Maybe.

The air conditioning is off?

Okay, what does that mean?

Both the windows are shut.

Must be 90 degrees out here.

I couldn't drive like that. Could you?

You're absolutely right. Could I ask you something?

Why aren't you on the force?

Uh, something happened.

Was it a wrongful termination?

'Cause I can help you out with that.

I used to be pretty good. I was as good as you.

Excuse me, gentlemen, you're not allowed back here.

It's all right. He's a cop.

Um, I'm not technically a cop.

Anymore, technically. If you wanna be technical.

Yes, I do.

I want to be technical.

Now let's move it.

But, sergeant, there is something wrong here.

You're absolutely right, sir. And it's you.

Excuse me, general, but I think you need to listen to him, because he's brilliant, and he happens to be noticing things that maybe some people aren't.

Okay, sirs, I will not ask you again.

I need you both to go back to your vehicles.

Step away from this accident!

Where did that come from?

This was no accident.

Adrian!

Garrett!

Garrett, you see this blood?

Great... you can't have too much blood.

But look at this smudge.

It's from the outside.

Maybe it just tried very hard.

I really don't know.

Listen, can I get my cards back from you?

I want to pass them out to these people.

I mean, you know, they've all been hurt.

I'm a lawyer, right? You got a dead guy.

This is great!

We're on the comeback trail.

You're not still here, are you?

No... yes.

Yes. Sergeant, I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this crime scene.

It's an accident scene, sir.

He never slowed down.

Well, perhaps he fell asleep.

Or he had a heart attack. It happens all the time.

Sergeant, this guy, who was he? What did he do?

He worked for a non-profit environmental group.

He was some sort of activist.

Of course.

Do you know what he was working on?

You used to be a cop, right? Right.

Then maybe you can appreciate this.

I will tell you what I do know about the victim.

His name was Steve marriot.

He died in a tragic, single-car accident.

There is no doubt about that.

We have an eyewitness.

The driver of that truck saw the whole thing.

The victim's car was spinning out of control.

It was traveling at 80, 85 miles per hour.

There was nobody else in the vehicle.

There was nobody else near the vehicle.

Nobody else ran from the vehicle.

Okay?

But, sergeant... look, detective, or... whatever you are...

I've been very patient with you, sir.

You have to let this go.

Mr. Monk, mom says you'll help me find a bathroom.

Oh, Julie, look, look, look.

We're almost moving. Any minute now.

Listen, can't you please... Can't you hold it in?

[Rock music playing]

♪ Excuse me, could you spare some of that ice?

Sure. You want a beer?

No, thanks.

Hey, guys, listen up!

Nobody gets near that vehicle unless they're on the job!

Do you understand? Let's lock this down!

This is an accident scene. Get that barrier in here.

Get these people behind the barrier.

Come on, folks. Please, please.

Step this way. Step lively.

[Speaking Spanish]

Hey, there you are.

And my parents wanted me to take French.

This is Garrett price. He used to be a lawyer.

I am a lawyer, excuse me.

I'm a lawyer again 'cause I'm reborn, my friend.

'Cause you were a cop.

Look, I got my inspiration from you.

You're a cop, and it's in your blood.

You can't turn it off. It's who you are.

Well, this is who I am.

Hey, don't move until I get there and he signs a release!

This is unbelievable here. I mean, I hit the motherlode.

I got three cases of whiplash.

One of them pregnant. A pregnant woman with whiplash.

Are you kidding me?

That's a summer home right there.

So, uh, how's your case going?

It's... still working on it.

Listen, I need to borrow your cell phone.

Call my captain, maybe he can help me out on this.

It doesn't work. The goofy mountains here.

I can't get a signal myself.

Ask one of these truck drivers.

They all got the two-way radios.

Excuse me, sir!

Whoa! Ma'am.

Ma'am or sir. Mamselle.

Uh, my friend here is a big detective, and he has a very important phone call to make.

Is there any way... damn it!

Damn it to hell!

Don't be afraid. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay. I just got fired.

Stay close.

The owner just told me some cretin called in and complained about my driving.

Said I cut him off.

Call came in just before the accident.

I bet he's still here.

When I find out who did it, his ass is mine!

Ten bucks says she's got an a*t*matic.

Owner played back the tape of the phone call.

Think I'd recognize his voice.

You're a detective, huh?

Is he a detective?

The biggest. Zzzz!

Wanna make a little money?

A little cash under the table?

Help me find this guy.

Uh...

[Spanish accent] Uh, I would like to, but I'm just too busy now.

You need a lozenge?

It's probably all for the best.

You don't wanna be a party to what happens when I find this guy.

Excuse me, we don't know each other.

But if you find him, don't hurt him.

Because that would be wrong, and v*olence never solves anything.

But if you hurt him, please give him one of these.

Excuse me, are you Adrian monk?

Well, if he's not, I am.

Yes? Your friend Natalie, she wants to talk to you.

I think she's hurt.

Let's go.

I'll come too, to help.

[Clang]

Excuse me...

I was on my way back from harleysburg when I heard.

Figured I'd swing by, see if I could help out.

It's appreciated. Talk to the ems captain.

He's over there. He'll tell you what we need.

Excuse me, you got a minute?

It's my wife. She got banged up pretty bad.

She's four months pregnant. She's scared to death.

Where is she?

She's right back here.

Thanks.

She's right back here.

What's she doing back here?

Oh, they put her back here to check her blood pressure.

Her blood pressure?

Yeah.

Uhh!

Ugh!

Uhh!

[Choking]

Hey.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I think I just sprained it or something.

Why didn't you tell me you were hurt?

Ms. Teager, my name is Garrett price, and I'm a personal injury attorney.

What a surprise.

[Chuckles]

Sarcasm is a very good sign with trauma.

And I must say that any friend of Adrian monk's is a client of mine.

The man is a magnificent detective and one of my greatest personal heroes.

We just met. Modesty becomes the brave, Mr. Monk.

You're my hero. End of discussion.

Let's take a look at that wrist.

Well, that doesn't look too bad.

That is a very serious injury.

I can tell from here.

How about a couple of pictures.

Always helps in front of a jury.

You see, my thinking on this is that someone owes you a great deal of money.

Can you lick your lips for this one? Cute.

I'm kidding. Isn't that sweet?

She doesn't know when I'm teasing.

And the money, by the way, has nothing to do with medical expenses.

That's going to be considerable.

The main body, where you really k*ll them, is with mental anguish.

You know, Mr. Price, I wasn't aware of any mental anguish until I met you.

That's why I'm here, darling.

That's the point of the whole exercise.

She's a nice girl, but she doesn't understand.

That's a five-star bruise, don't you understand that?

This is going to change your life, and yours as well.

In fact, I wish we had one of those paramedics here to document it.

You mean to treat it? That's my point.

You document it, then you treat it.

What are we, savages? I'll be right back.

So what happened up there?

A guy was k*lled.

Oh, my god.

Mr. Monk says he was m*rder*d.

Of course he does.

You know, Mr. Monk, there'd be no crime in all of San Francisco if you never left your house.

I can't help it. The man was m*rder*d.

Sweetie, did you find a bathroom? No.

Isn't she a trooper?

You... you! Where are you going?

Never mind that.

I've got a lady who broke her wrist back there.

I need you to check it out.

Thanks, and I'm sorry I called you general.

Come on.

You know, I would have found a doctor for you.

Mr. Monk, you didn't even ask how I was.

It didn't even occur to you!

All you cared about was a stupid ink stain on your shirt!

I was busy. I was talking to the patrolman.

I'm sure you were talking, because I know you weren't listening.

You never listen to anyone.

You're just lost in your own world.

Mr. Monk, this is a very dangerous job.

What if I'm ever in real trouble?

Are you gonna be there for me?

I'll be there.

See, I don't believe you.

It's a two-way street, Mr. Monk.

We have to look out for each other.

I'll be there.

How's our patient?

I found a medic.

He didn't wanna come, but no one says no to Garrett price.

What seems to be the problem?

So what happened here?

The wrist is broken. No, shattered.

And there's nerve damage.

It's heartbreaking... A young woman, a mother, cut down in the prime of life.

This is all great stuff.

Anyway, excuse me.

Make sure you get a copy of his report, okay?

Look at that face.

I can't wait to get you in front of a jury.

You'll wear something nice, huh?

If I were 20 years younger...

And a completely different guy...

I really appreciate this.

There must be other people here that need help more than me.

Everybody's important, ma'am, but, uh...

Oh, let's take a quick look, huh?

[Chuckles]

I must be tired. Been working too hard.

You're... In construction.

Hmm?

Your boots.

Oh, yeah. It's my other job.

There we are.

Look into the light.

Huh, there's no sign of concussion.

I heard you talking before. You a detective or something?

Or something.

You don't think this was an accident?

Mr. Monk doesn't believe in accidents.

Does that hurt? Yeah!

How about that? Mm-hmm.

What do you think?

Well, I'm no expert.

But the driver was alone in his car doing 80 miles an hour, right?

Sounds like an accident to me.

I think you're wasting your time.

You're not gonna take her pulse?

I just did. When I was holding her wrist.

She's fine. It's not broken.

[Cell phone ringing]

Your phone, you got a call coming there.

Yeah, whoever it is, they'll call back.

Look, I gotta go. They're waiting for me.

So, uh, let's keep plenty of ice on that, okay?

And no tennis for at least two weeks.

I'm gonna leave you in charge.

Stay here with her.

Take care of her, okay?

Nice meeting you both.

Yeah.

There's something wrong with that guy.

What, he was empathetic?

He cared about other people?

Hey. I found some ice.

Hey, guess who's here? Who?

Korn.

What's korn?

They're a band.

They're famous.

That's their tour bus over there.

Oh. Do you still have to go?

I'm sure the tour bus has a bathroom.

Maybe Mr. Monk will take you.

I don't really think they're gonna...

Maybe Mr. Monk will take you now.

Now!

Right now!

I'll take her. Right now.

[Rock music playing]

[Korn song playing]

Korn... they spelled it wrong.

Shh, Julie, don't say anything.

Sorry... sorry to interrupt.

You have a great sound.

Very, very musical.

I wish I could understand more of the words.

Do you... do you have a ladies' room?

This is Julie, and, uh, it's kind of an emergency.

Yeah, we have a bathroom.

Our bus driver detox is in there right now.

Okay... great.

Great, we'll just wait for detox.

Ruff!

Easy now.

Easy.

I play the clarinet.

I played with Willie, you know, Nelson.

I played with Willie Nelson.

And now, I'm just waiting for detox.

I love your socks.

They're not socks.

[Toilet flushes]

It's all yours.

So you know what's going on up there?

Uh, big car crash.

Driver was k*lled.

Oh, that sucks.

Maybe we should find out his name and dedicate a song to him.

I can tell you his name.

Steven marriot.

Wait... you guys know him? Yeah, man.

I think we did like this benefit gig a while ago.

You remember?

Uh, it was the environmental guerilla group?

Environmental...

Environmental group.

You got a call coming there.

Whoever it is, they'll call back.

E.g.g.

E.g.g.

E.g.g., yeah.

Julie!

Hey, hey, hurry up! Come on.

W-w-we're going.

Come on, Julie.

Let's go.

Mom is right.

You don't care about anybody else.

Julie, go back to your mom.

Tell her I was right about the paramedic.

She'll know what I mean.

Mr. Monk...

She never knows what you mean.

Nobody does.

Hey, Mr. M!

Looks like the party's almost over.

They brought in some cranes. We'll all be going home soon.

Yeah, Garrett, where did you find that paramedic?

At the crash site. Why?

Not a clue. What's going on?

I think... He might be involved somehow in all of this.

What did you say?

It's you. You son of a bitch!

You cost me my job!

You cut us off. That's not right.

You're a dead man! Wait a second.

Look, it wasn't my fault. I mean, it was my fault.

But I never thought they would fire anybody.

Hold it, hold it! Hold it!

Let her hit you.

What? One shot, we got witnesses.

Try and take it in the nose, too.

It bleeds like a fountain. You'll be fine.

I needed that job.

You understand?

Oh, look, I'm sorry.

I am, I'm really, really sorry.

If there's anything I can do...

Maybe there is. All right.

You're gonna call my supervisor and get my job back.

Maryjane, it's Krystal.

Is Danny still there?

Yeah, there's somebody here that wants to talk to him.

Click and talk.

All right.

What do I say?

Think of something.

This is Daniel.

Who the hell is this?

Hello. How are you? 10-4.

This is the guy who called earlier to complain about Krystal.

Yeah, yeah. I recognize your voice.

I've changed my mind.

I'd like to withdraw that complaint.

Why?

Well...

I was trying to get her fired because I was mad at her because...

[Whispering] I wouldn't marry you.

She wouldn't marry me.

Who?

Krystal?! You can't be serious.

I love her.

Ha!

I love everything about her.

I love how she drives, which is exemplary.

And her smile.

And the way...

She controls her rage.

No, wait, don't leave.

No, come on! She still might hit him.

I still might hit him.

If you're withdrawing the complaint, there's nothing I can do.

Tell Krystal get back to work!

Are we finished?

Because there is something I have to do.

Go ahead.

But stay off the phone.

Excuse me!

Can I see some I.D.?

You talking to me?

Yes, I am. Do you have any identification?

Not on me, no.

I don't think you're a paramedic.

I don't think you're a cop.

What's your name?

Excuse me!

You k*lled him, didn't you?

What the hell is going on here?

I thought I asked you to return to your vehicle?

Sergeant, you gotta stop this tow truck.

I gotta what?

Listen to me, you cannot move this car!

You would be destroying evidence.

That would be a big mistake.

And this man is not a paramedic.

I am not going to ask you again...

I can't let you move this car!

Stop him! All right, that's it!

I warned you. Get him down.

Get him down. Give me those keys.

Give me those keys!

Hands behind your back.

Hold the keys. You gotta listen to me!

This was no accident, sir.

[Flies buzzing]

Hello, boss.

Natalie.

And the next time we go someplace, I'm thinking we should leave a little early.

You know, to factor in traffic problems, homicide investigations, you getting arrested.

That's funny. That's very, very funny.

Listen... uh, oh, by the way, how is your, um...

What is it? Your wrist, is it?

Forget about it, Mr. Monk.

It's never gonna be a two-way street.

I just have to accept that.

So what is going on?

You see that dump truck over there?

That's the one that passed us on the highway.

Do you remember?

Yeah, he wouldn't honk his horn.

He must not be a very happy person.

The guy who was k*lled...

Steve marriot. Marriot, right.

I think he was already dead.

There's no other explanation, because his car never passed us.

I think it was inside that dump truck.

And then it got dumped out in the middle of the highway.

By who?

By him... the paramedic who was treating you.

What?

He's got mud on his boots that matches the mud on the tires of the Volkswagen.

He's the guy.

He's looking for something.

Remember the phone call he got?

The caller ID read e.G.G.

E.g.g., what's that?

Environmental guerilla group.

That's the organization that marriot worked for.

I think he's got marriot's cell phone.

Somehow they got mixed up.

We gotta get you out of here.

You know what?

If that Volkswagen was in the dump truck, there's gotta be some evidence in there.

Maybe some tire tracks or something.

You're right.

I'm gonna go check it out.

No, no, no! You can't.

You can't do that, Natalie. It's too risky.

Mr. Monk, when they dropped that Volkswagen on the highway, it could have k*lled a lot of people.

It could have k*lled Julie.

Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay.

Natalie...

[Cell phone ringing]

[Cell phone ringing]

Uh, give you a hand?

No, we're good.

We're just dropping this guy at the morgue.

[Engine starts]

Hey!

Natalie!

Somebody!

Officer, listen to me!

Sir!

Help!

Natalie!

Natalie!

(Monk) Sir...

Sir, please!

Sergeant, listen to me! You gotta listen to me.

There's a woman in the back of that dump truck!

Sergeant, she's in danger.

You gotta believe me. Officer!

Sir!

Sir, please!

Sergeant!

Officer, hey, hey.

Officer, just listen to me for one second.

Son of a bitch.

They're setting up a roadblock ten miles south.

I heard him. Is your seatbelt on?

Yes, it is. Nice and tight?

Blinkers! Blinkers.

You understand this is a car chase?

Left Lane ends two miles. Left Lane ends two miles.

(Natalie) Help! Help!

Here!

Help!

I'm here! Help!

Help! I'm here!

Look! Help!

Help!

Hello! Help!

Help!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Get alongside.

Can you get alongside?

Gotcha.

[Tires screech]

Aahh!

Be careful!

Get closer!

[Hissing]

[Tires screech]

[r*fle cocks]

Show me both your hands!

Step down out of the truck!

Easy, easy!

Sir, found this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

How's your wrist?

Better.

Thank you for asking.

You unbuckled your seatbelt?

Two-way street.

Two-way street.

Think you got it.

Mr. Monk! Adrian!

[Laughs]

[Imitating rocky] Adrian!

[Laughs] Just like the movie.

Listen, I wanted to thank you.

I needed to thank you.

This has seriously been the best day of my life.

And I don't respect a lot of people, by the way.

And I know you don't like to hug, so just...

I'm back, pal.

Nice meeting you.

There you are! You feel better?

A lot better.

Good. What took you so long?

Um, well, I got a tattoo.

Mom, it's okay.

It's fake.

That's funny. Let's go.

We'll laugh in the car.

Come on, here we go.

It's not rubbing off.

Hey, there's a special rate for buses.

Remember, you can't win if you don't try.

Call me!

Attaboy.

All right, hey, buddy.

Did you get a card?

All right... whoo, nice car.