05x19 - Bring It on Home

[bunniefuu]

It's the A-b*mb! Duck and cover!

I bet Eric's trying to sneak out.

Red, Red, wait, wait. What if it's a burglar?

What's a burglar gonna steal from us?

My Shirley Temple figurines.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have told Liz Anderson about them.

Her nephew's been in jail, you know.

Oh! Look at this. Some guard dog.

You know, we could be trampled by Mongolians, this thing wouldn't even wag its tail.

Hey. I heard a scary noise.

Good God. Are you nude?

No.

I'm wearing my toga.

There it is again. That's it, I'm getting my bat.

All right, calm down. It's probably just Steven trying to sneak out.

What if it's not Steven? What if the burglar has Steven?

Well, then we'll try to talk him into taking Eric, too.

Okay, let's do this. Look at him.

Bare-assed and holding a plastic bat.

That's your son, Kitty.

What kind of burglar robs people on a weeknight?

Doesn't he have a job to go to in the morning?

Jackie? What the hell?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Forman, are you naked?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Who the hell do you think you are, bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night?

And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there.

Baby Jesus was watching.

I told you to look where you were going.

But what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

You knocked over my space command center?

I spent three hours building that.

All right. Now what is going on in my basement?

Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.

Couple of weeks? This is not the Playboy Mansion, you know.

Look, nothing was going on. Nothing was going on?

Space command centers were ruined!

Would you please go put some pants on?

This is where I eat.

Jackie's only been staying here

'cause her dad's in jail and her mom's still not back yet.

Steven! That's private.

Your mom's not back yet? You told me she came home.

Look, can we not talk about this? I'm fine. Okay? Everything is fine.

But if you need a place... No, no, no. I don't need anything.

Look, I'm only here 'cause...

I am such a tramp.

So, I should just go home and try to control my dirty urges.

Jackie, you're not going home. There's nobody there.

All right, look, Jackie, tonight you can sleep in Laurie's room, and then tomorrow, we'll track down your floozy mother.

Honey, do you have any idea where she might be?

Well, the last postcard I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose.

What is that, like, Tennessee?

Hey, Donna, this just in.

Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.

Yeah, so? I do, too.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, I can see it now, and it is glorious.

Excuse me.

Jackie, I can't believe your parents are gone.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, everybody needs to stop worrying about me. I'm fine.

I mean, how could I not be?

Mrs. Forman did my hair and made me smiley-faced pancakes.

Eric, this house is like a shabby hotel with really great service.

Oh, hey, while you're visiting, here's my Lego set and a picture of the space command center.

Okay? Get building.

And I swear to God, if my three-man escape pod doesn't fit the star bay, heads are gonna roll.

I have a question.

If Hyde was in Hyde's bed, and Jackie was in Hyde's bed, what exactly was going on in said bed?

Nothing. She needed a place to sleep. "Needed a place to sleep?"

Well, a bed is an interesting choice, now, wouldn't you say?

Oh, shut up, Michael. It's not like we were doing it.

Oh, come on, Jackie.

You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doing it.

I've fallen asleep not doing it and woken up doing it.

And that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist.

Guys, I don't know what's going on with Nina.

I keep asking to meet her parents, but she keeps making excuses.

It's probably the same reason I won't let you meet my parents.

I mean, she's afraid you're gonna say something weird and embarrass her.

Oh, please. I'm a hot-looking, smooth-talking, frisky-assed son of a bitch.

Hey, Fez. Right there. That's like...

That's like a really weird thing to say.

Yeah, I mean, we're used to you, but, dude, you're weird.

I mean, and for Nina to let you meet her parents, I...

I think what Kelso's trying to say, is that maybe you don't make the best first impression.

Like, remember the first time you met my parents?

Mom, Dad, this is Fez. Well, hello there.

He did what?

Yeah, and then it actually got even more disturbing.

Get this creepy bastard off me!

Man, I never heard that story.

Wait, so how was Forman's mom?

Well, at first she was giving me nothing, but by the end she was giving me something.

Yeah, she's spunky!

Man, I'd kiss your mom. Oh, my God.

How could Jackie's mother abandon her only child?

I have half a mind to take this public.

We could go on Donahue.

No. Go on Carson, he's funnier.

One time, the animal guy was on, and his parrot dooked right on Johnny's head.

Dad, I think you're missing the point.

We need to find Jackie some place to stay, you know?

Where she won't be all alone.

I can get her a room at the hotel I work at.

No, Jackie is not staying in a hotel. We have an empty room right here.

Kitty, every time we have an empty room, you wanna fill it up with a stray child.

You're like the old lady who lived in a shoe.

Did you just call me "old"?

Okay. Okay. Here's what I think.

Oh, hey, everybody! Mr. Nude has an opinion.

I'm sure we're all interested in what Mr. Nude has to say.

Floor's all yours, Mr. Nude.

Never mind.

Well, I guess he was just thinking about being nude.

What is wrong with you people?

There is nothing funny about a teenage girl whose mother abandoned her.

You know, we're all Jackie's got. We can't just turn our backs on her.

Donna, you're right.

You tell Jackie she can stay with us.

What? No. No, she can't stay with us.

Sure. She can stay in your room with you. But...

Oh, you're all gonna pay for this!

I can't believe my dad's making me ask Jackie to move in with us.

This is gonna be a nightmare.

"Donna, where's your spirit?"

"Donna, you're still hungry?"

"Donna, your lumberjack head is blocking out the sun."

You know, I'm not too big, all right? She is too small.

Okay, just for the record, I don't sleep nude for any disgusting reason.

I'm just a hot sleeper.

Okay, I'm not a hot sleeper.

I'm 17 years old, okay? I sleep right next door to the girl I love.

Things occur to me, okay?

If I'm already nude, you know, I mean, it just saves time.

Guys, Nina agreed to let me meet her parents.

And to seem completely normal, I've come up with the perfect opening line for Nina's mother.

"Hello, Mrs. Bartel, I can see where Nina gets her lovely ass."

You're so weird, man.

You know what? There's a way around that.

I'm gonna make you so beautiful, that Nina's parents don't notice how freaking weird you are.

Being beautiful, that's how I get away with stuff.

Except my problem is, I gotta tone it down, 'cause otherwise the chick's mom gets interested.

Then we got a big problem.

Now, let's make you man-pretty.

Okay. I've been thinking about what to do with Jackie, and I think we're overlooking the mobile home option. Okay?

You could park her right in the driveway, and we'll all know she's safe in her own little steel box.

Donna, what... You have to let her stay with you. Come on.

She's your best friend. - She's not my best friend.

Well, then, who's your best friend?

Oh, crap! How the hell did that happen?

Oh, look. Mr. Nude is helping.

Mr. Nude, huh? That was my nickname in college.

Dad, you didn't go to college.

Didn't stop me from getting a nickname.

Uh-huh. So, are you all gonna be here for this?

'Cause I don't think Jackie's gonna be cool with that.

Well, Steven, everybody needs support.

Like this one time, I left the supermarket in a really bad mood, and then I met these very nice people, the Hare Krishnas.

They sang me a song, they gave me some rice.

It was just the little pickup I needed.

You know, if I hadn't had to make dinner, I might've gotten into their van.

Yeah, those freaks were hassling me once, too, so when they weren't looking, I stole five boxes of Thin Mints.

Kelso, those were Girl Scouts.

Whatever, man. They were pushy.

Here comes Jackie.

Well, I think this is a big mistake, so when this blows up in your face, don't come looking for me.

I'll be busting up Forman's space station again.

Jackie. Jackie, Donna has something she wants to ask you.

Donna.

So, Jackie, we were all thinking that you might come stay with me for a while, since you're having such a hard time right now.

God, I am so sick of this! I don't have hard times!

I'm Jackie Burkhart.

I got voted head cheerleader by the largest margin in cheerleader history.

Okay? I have a wonderful life.

Yeah, but, Jackie, your dad's in prison, and your mom...

Well, yeah, I'm sorry, Donna, but you're just not popular enough for me to live with.

I'm not popular enough?

I was doing you a favor 'cause I felt bad for you.

Well, don't, okay? I don't need to be your good deed for the day.

Fine. There's the door.

Don't let it hit your popular little butt on the way out.

Fine.

Well, that was pretty hot.

...and that is how you make a canoe out of banana skins.

Oh!

They love me, see? There's nothing to worry about.

Great, then we should get going. Oh, oh, don't go.

Oh, it's such a pleasure having someone so exotic in our home.

We're so happy that Nina has made a friend of you, Fez.

Well, maybe it's because I'm so handsome, and not at all creepy.

And, by the way, I see where Nina gets her lovely ass.

Hey, I was talking to you, Mr. Bartel.

Oh, my!

Honey, you are really broadening your horizons.

Having a friend like this is gonna look great on your college application.

Yes, we always enjoy meeting Nina's friends.

Oh, you keep calling me her "friend." Don't you mean, her "boyfriend"?

Boyfriend?

What's so funny? Oh, you can't be her boyfriend.

Why not? Because you're... What's the word, honey?

Different? Okay. Different.

Oh, I see.

You mean, "not white." Fez, no.

I think I'll be leaving now. Good day.

Fez, wait... I said, "Good day."

And by the way, I hope you do not have a good day.

And then when I asked her to live with me, she said I'm not freaking popular.

Am I not on the radio all the time as "Hot Donna"?

Okay? There are "Hot Donna" posters all over town, objectifying me.

Is Jackie being objectified? No!

She only said that 'cause you embarrassed her in a room full of people.

It was like a damn telethon in there. The only thing missing was Jerry Lewis.

So, what, it's my fault 'cause I didn't ask her right?

Okay. How about when your mom left?

Think about how you would've felt if you walked into a roomful of people, everyone's talking about how sad your life is, and how much they pity you.

Yeah, I guess I get that.

I'm just saying that Jackie needs a place to stay, and it'd be really cool if maybe you could ask her in a way that doesn't make her feel bad.

Fine.

But she didn't have to call me unpopular, okay?

Unpopular girls don't get free Slurpees from Tommy at the 7-Eleven.

Donna, two years ago, Tommy tried to jump a school bus on his moped.

He didn't make it, and now he gives everyone free Slurpees.

So, you see, Jackie, the reason I asked you to stay with me before, is because, well, you were right.

I am unpopular.

Go on.

I'm too tall, and... And red hair is gross.

And, well, if I don't do something soon, my unpopularity is gonna follow me to college, unless you help.

Please come stay with me.

Jackie, help me be more like you.

Well, as long as everybody knows I'm doing it for you, I'll do it.

Great.

Hey, Donna. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay. First things first.

If you wanna be more popular, you're gonna have to break up with Eric.

What?

You know, I have been called many names since coming to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.

You know, Fez, unfortunately, there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girlie little way you run.

But you know what? You're not alone.

Why do you think the Martians won't land here?

'Cause they're green, and they know people are gonna make fun of them.

You said it, brother.

I just wish there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.

Well, that's Canada.

Yup, good old Canada.

They don't make generalizations about people

'cause they're too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham.

Fez, we need to talk. Hey! He might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, damn it!

Nina, our relationship is over. My self-respect demands it, and there's nothing you can say to make me change my mind.

Fez, my parents are jerks, and I wanna get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.

Except that. Thanks, Kelso.

Fire! Fire!

What are you doing? Well, look at this.

Mr. Nude is still nude.

You're nuts. Wow.

Strong words from Mr. Nude.

We're doing this every night until you put on some bottoms.

Fire!

Fire!