02x10 - Red's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

j& Who's the birthday boy?

j& Who's the birthday boy?

The, um, good-looking guy to your left?

That's right. j& Happy, happy, happy, happy birthday, Red j&

Would the special birthday boy like a special birthday present?

Oh... It's already unwrapped.

And, uh, just my size, too.

Oh, my.

Well...

Happy birthday to me.

j& Hangin' out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Yeah?

Hey, man. Hey, what's up?

Well, it's Red's birthday and I gotta get him a present, so...

Where do your parents keep their booze?

Pretty much everywhere.

Cool.

Okay.

Red Forman, you know him, you love him.

What do you think, blueberry brandy or peach schnapps?

Hmm...

Definitely the schnapps.

My thoughts exactly.

This one's for me.

Oh, I see your father left me another message.

God, he's an ass.

Hello, Mom? I have company.

Oh, I didn't see you there, Steven.

Isn't Bob an ass?

Okay, um, my parents are freaks and I'm sorry you had to see that.

Oh, yeah?

Donna, I don't want you reading this.

Dad, Hyde's here.

Well, you can read it 'cause you'll appreciate it.

But not you.

This sucks.

Well, you wanna talk about it?

No.

You know, they want to date other people.

Your mom's dating? Mmm-hmm.

So where am I? Do I have a shot?

Oh, could you please date my mom?

That would make my life so much better, Hyde.

Hey, call me Dad.

Yeah, but you know what the worst part is?

Watching your parents split up and knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

Exactly.

And you know what else?

My mom moved out of their bedroom, into the guest room.

Yeah, it sucked when my dad split.

But I can honestly say that my parents' divorce made me the man I am today.

Oh, man, am I going to go crazy and think the government's out to get me, too?

The government is out to get you.

Okay, now I want your father to enjoy this birthday, so we're all going to try our best to make it good.

Except for Laurie, who's going to stumble in smelling like cigarettes and beer.

Hey, at least I'm here.

Well, you better be here with a present.

I gave you $20 yesterday.

God, relax.

Oh, you can it, Laurie.

Yeah, can it, Laurie. Can it, Eric.

Yeah, can it, Eric.

I thought I told you to can it. Can it.

Why don't you both can it?

Can it!

Oh, look, it's the birthday boy.

Daddy!

Come on in, birthday boy.

Open your presents.

I wonder what's in the big one?

Is it a Corvette?

No, it's, uh, 2x4s.

For the roof.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for reminding me.

Here you go, Red. This will help you forget.

Happy birthday, man.

Daddy!

This is for you.

Well. Let's see here.

Well! $7.

Isn't that something?

Thanks, sweetie.

If I don't have $13 on my dresser by tonight, then so help me God...

The card cost 50 cents.

Fine, $12.50 and I want a receipt.

Whatever.

Okay, boys, thank you for the wood...

And the booze.

Okay, now... Now, one more present.

Ooh.

Underwear!

Oh, damn it.

Well, happy birthday.

So, is the happy birthday fun over yet?

No.

Bob and Midge want to take us out to dinner tonight.

Bob and Midge!

Kitty, it's my birthday.

I know, but they like you, and they want you to have fun on your birthday, like I do.

If they really liked me, they'd leave me alone.

Man, last night we could hear the Pinciottis fighting all the way across the driveway.

It was horrible.

It was all, "You're the devil, Midge!"

"Oh, Bob, shut up."

"Oh, Bob, shut up!"

That's classic.

Man, if you get any dumber you're gonna need a helmet.

What a bummer for Donna, huh?

I can't believe they're sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Yeah, I know.

Wait, I don't know.

What are you talking about?

Well, Hyde knows something about Donna that Eric does not know.

This is an interesting development.

Let's watch.

Midge is sleeping in the guest bedroom, man.

How did you know that?

Did Donna tell you that?

Look, Forman, it's not a big deal.

I guess she's just telling me stuff that she's not telling you.

See, this is why communication is so important.

Now, Michael and I...

Uh, excuse me, we were talking about Donna and me and how...

Oh, hush. No one cares.

Now, Michael never keeps secrets from me.

Do you, sweetie?

Huh?

Oh, no, no. Never.

Michael, you hesitated.

Why did you hesitate?

No, I didn't hesitate.

Did I, Hyde?

Yep.

Fez?

Oh, yes. If you really loved her, you would not have hesitated.

Ah!

Conversation, Michael.

The van, now. No!

No, I didn't hesitate!

You guys are dead!

Well, so what do you think, birthday boy?

'Cause I think it's gonna be fun.

Well, you know, good food, old friends.

This might not be too bad, Kitty.

Hey, hey, the g*ng's all here!

This is my date Carol.

And this is my date Ted.

You brought dates?

We sure did.

Happy birthday!

Yeah, Carol here is just terrific.

She loves horses.

I love horses!

And Ted's a marriage counselor.

Well, you have just done a lovely job with these two.

Hey, thanks. Hoo-hah.

Right.

So you two are going to save your marriage by dating strangers.

Great.

When you say it like that, Red, it sounds stupid.

Okay, Midge.

Say it so it doesn't sound stupid.

Okay, here.

Now maybe this cheese toast will make your birthday happy.

No, Kitty, I think I've lost my appetite.

God, that is a great-lookin' T-bone.

Is there butter on this?

Hoo-hah.

Right.

Now, I'm gonna eat this steak, but first I'm gonna make a birthday wish.

Here it is.

I wish...

Everyone would shut up.

Something wrong?

No.

So, is there anything on your mind?

Something you might want to, you know, talk to your... No.

Don't take no for an answer.

She talked to Hyde, get her to talk to you.

Get her... On, my God, that can't be her tongue, can it?

How is she doing that?

So soft, so...

Wait! Focus! Talk!

So, uh, nothing on your mind?

Nothing...

That's a pretty little shirt.

Holy God, she's sucking my tongue.

She is sucking my tongue.

Oh, my God, even her spit is sweet.

It's like liquid Jolly Rancher.

There's something wrong with me.

No, there's not, I'm 17.

Wait!

So, nothing...

Uh, to confide in me?

Eric. Your boyfriend.

Well, okay, here's something.

I love making out with you.

There. So we talked.

Yeah, that was nice.

Horses are beautiful.

And they're very smart.

They can count, you know.

Oh, honey, honey, you... You just... You just gotta shut up.

Speaking of, has anyone read Equus?

I gave a copy to Midge, but, no offense, sweetie...

It may be a little too deep for her.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean, "No offense?"

Well, I mean, don't be offended.

Oh.

Listen, you insult my wife one more time, you're gonna be wearing your steak as a hat.

Hey, I... I'm sorry.

Oh, Bob, that was so sweet.

Like in high school, when you used to hit people just for looking at me.

Remember? Of course I remember.

I still have the scar from Joe Abbruzzi's dental plate.

You big bear.

I, uh, left my wallet in the car, Midge.

I left my... Sex with Bob in the car.

Bye!

Check, please!

Ah.

There you go, that's for you.

Come on, Kitty.

Donna wouldn't even talk to me.

She just kept sticking her tongue down my throat.

Oh, boo-hoo, Forman.

You get to fool around with a totally hot chick and you never have to talk about her feelings?

You poor, French-kissing bastard.

Yeah, Hyde's right.

One time I asked Jackie what was wrong, and she didn't shut up for, like, three straight days.

You know, Kelso, sometimes you do not know what you have until it is gone.

And then someone else has it and it is not you.

And then that someone else is really happy.

What are you talking about?

You don't know what he's talking about?

That's it. Get the helmet.

Kelso, put this on.

Shut up. I'm not putting the helmet on.

Now what are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I am talking about if you put the helmet on.

Fine.

If you don't take care of Jackie, you are going to lose her.

That's just stupid.

Look, Hyde, all I know is that you're talking to my girlfriend, and I don't like it.

Hey, man, I was friends with Donna before you ever became her little boyfriend.

Hyde, you're pissing me off.

Why don't you think, Forman?

You get to make out with one of the hottest chicks in Wisconsin, while I'm being all sympathetic and relating my crappy life to her, and I'm pissing you off?

You're supposed to be the friend and I'm supposed to be the make-out guy.

Now that I think about it, you're pissing me off!

What the hell kind of a world are we living in?

"Hey, let's date other people!"

"Hey, let's date other people

"but ditch 'em and do it in a car!"

That's enlightened?

In my day, we called them degenerates, and we stoned them.

With big rocks.

Oh, you did not.

Well, we should have.

Well, you know...

Your birthday's not over for another two hours.

Oh, Kitty.

We have no ceiling on our bedroom.

What if a plane flew over?

Okay.

Well, the kids are out.

There's a big comfy couch in the living room.

You know what I love about you?

What?

Lots of stuff.

Come on.

I'll race you.

Hey, Red, Mrs. Forman.

How was your night?

What the hell are you doing in my living room?

Watching Star Trek.

In color.

See, that guy? He's one side black and one side white.

And the other guy is one side white and one side black.

In color!

This house is always littered with kids.

It's like we're Mormons.

Okay, come on. Follow me, sailor.

Red needs to control his anger.

I heard that!

Oh, I know!

Let's go to the basement.

Oh, Kitty.

I just want this day to be over.

No.

This day is not over.

I wanted you to have a nice birthday.

You know, sometimes birthdays are not just about you.

They are about the people around you who want you to have a nice birthday.

So, it's about me.

Now get downstairs and get those pants off, mister!

Okay, move it!

Donna.

I'm glad you're here.

I... I've been thinking about this a lot, and, uh...

I'm not mad anymore.

Okay.

Mad about what?

Oh. Well, uh...

Hyde told me that you two talked about your home situation...

You guys talked about me?

Yeah...

Well, see, but Kelso was wearing a helmet, so he only heard, like, half of it.

And I'm not really sure about Fez's grasp of English.

I mean, he nods a lot, but...

I can't believe you guys talked about me.

Well, to be honest, it was a lot of Hyde with the, uh, "Donna and the parents and the separate bedrooms..."

And I'm all like, whoa, hold up there, Hyde.

I don't think she'd like you talking about her.

God!

No, I... Just hear me out.

I don't know why you talked to Hyde, but I forgive you.

You forgive me?

No, what I'm saying...

You don't have to do that anymore.

Because I'm here for you.

Okay, thanks loads, Eric, but you can't help me with this.

Your family is... A family.

Donna, to be fair, you didn't even give me a chance.

You never came to me with this.

All right, fine. You know what?

You want to be part of this whole thing?

You do? Fine.

My parents, they're on a freakin' date right now.

Well, you know, that's nice.

With other people.

You know, the more the merrier.

It takes some of the pressure off.

They're each dating the other people.

But they're married.

Oh, God!

See? I mean...

I don't know.

Hey, Donna, Eric, glad you're here.

Great news.

Your father and I had sex.

Oh, my God.

In the car.

Oh, my God!

Well, that's... Super!

Hey, isn't that... Is that super, Donna?

So, are you guys, like, back together?

Oh, no.

Yeah, why ruin a good thing?

Okay, so...

What's your take on that?

I got nothing.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

So, hey, who's your stupid boyfriend?

Uh, you are.

Hey, at least I'm trying to get smarter, right?

Thank you.

Say it.

I do not keep secrets from you.

Again.

I do not keep secrets from you.

Again.

I do not keep...

Aiiyy! Shut up!

I am going insane.

Kelso, if you want to possess a woman, this is what you need to do.

I, as a mortal, am not worthy of your love.

You are a goddess and I worship you.

And I dedicate every moment of my waking life to your joy.

Okay, what he said.

Oh, Michael.

I don't know any Mormons that do that.

Not without a permit, anyway.

You know, Kitty, this ended up being a pretty good birthday after all.

Oh, yay!

Happy birthday. Thanks.

What is this?

Ah, corn chips.

Birthday boy.

Something's not right here, man.

I'm getting a really weird vibe, like before a tornado.

Or Dracula.

Something bad has happened here.

Something horrible.

Michael... Michael, I'm frightened.

Well, whatever it was made the couch nice and warm.

Someone's been eating my chips.