Who the hell's Roderick Blank?
That would be me.
You ever see a guywalking down the street looking so happy and contentyou wanna find the nearest brick and turn his faceinto hamburger meat?
I'm sorry.
That April morning,I was that guy.
I couldn't help it.
I had what I thoughtat the time to be it all: excellent job,excellent soon-to-be wife, excellent life.
If only I hadn't let Trixieopen that last e-mail.
What would you say if I broke outinto song right now?
You know how this good mood thingof yours is k*lling me, Rod.
And yet... you persist.
Stop.
Stop!
Or we're never gonnaget through these e-mails.
Oh.
Here's a beauty from Lester.
"'Re: Bachelor Party Stripper Crisis." Have I told you how grateful I amthat I'm a lesbian?
Delete!
Delete!
My God.
Men like Lester are the reasonDeath Nell was invented.
I was a man above temptation.
Other woman had lost all appeal.
One in particular.
They called her Death Nell, even though, technically,she hadn't k*lled anyone.
Different hairstyles,different outfits, different spray-painted messages.
The same comatose result.
It was all we couldtalk about that spring.
Five dates leadingto subversive seduction and ending in endless slumber.
She was the worst thingto happen to men, and the best thingto happen to media in quite some time.
Needless to say, I hadpicked the perfect moment to be getting out of the game.
For every guy or gal,there comes a time when you say, it’s time.
Meet Fiona Wormwood,my wife-to-be.
Stop staring, perv.
It's funny, looking back.
She was not the sweetest girl in the world.
Just, I-I like-okay.
But when it comes tothe person you're spending the rest of your life with,you want a bit of a sting.
There.
Your married friendscall you up for a barbecue.
They tell you...
- It's time.
Your parents tell you...
Son, it's time.
The whole damn universe tells you.
Don't make me the villain.
I told your sister exactly how many poundsshe had to drop to fit into that bridesmaid's dress.
Enough.
Let's talk about orchids.
Orchids.
Yep.
It was time.
Okay, if you cantear yourself back to work...
Thank you.
I've downloaded the Big Mac.
I mean The Matador!
I don't know.
It looks like two all-beef patties,special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onionson a sesame seed bun to me.
Boss.
Hey, that's very special sauce- As for the "excellent job" part of my life, I like to tell reporters, "It's always beenmy dream to work in a fast-food restaurant." I was being cute.
Our place was different.
You know...
classy.
The plan was simple.
Swallow up the food names,sleek the uniforms, Starbuck the decor.
Welcome to Swallows.
One Swallow Cornucopia to go!
Have a startling and unique day.
You, too.
Please, Trixie, tell me that wasthe last g*dd*mn e-mail.
No, there's one more.
Hold on.
Doesn't say who it's from.
I don't know.
I'm getting, like, a virus vibe here.
Okay!
It's your life.
Oh, that's weird.
It's a list of names.
Must be more wedding bullshit.
Well, they're all women's names.
Number one-does the namePatricia Francini ring a bell?
Patricia Francini?
Whoa, I haven't heard that name in...
Patty and I were co-captainsof my high school debate team, her main claimto fame being that, in classic backseat drive-in fashion, she took my virginity.
Clan of the Cave Bearwas the movie.
Drive-in's now a Staples.
What did you say this list was?
I didn't, unless Allison Bradbury is the second girlyou ever had sex with.
Whoa.
- No way.
Are you saying this is a list ofeveryone you ever had sex with?
Who's number three?
Well, that would be Debbie Roberts.
No, wait.
She was four.
Who was the spookydrunk girl at the 4-H fair?
I had to drive her home,'cause her brother was, uh- Daisy Milos Ross?
Yes!
Crazy Daisy!
Milos-what?
Ross?
Who sent this?
Is this some...
pre-bachelor party trick, of all the girls I've loved before?
But who would knowabout Daisy Milos Ross?
Damn, Roderick, this isan insane amount of p*ssy.
Well, thanks.
I don't know if I'dcall 29 women insane.
I guess some guys might be impressedby the big two-nine, but I racked up most of those numbersas an undergrad.
Uh, Sparky?
There's more than 29 wild oatson this list, a lot more.
Trix. T.
Now, it's not likeI'm one of those silly guys that keeps trackof how many, uh- All right.
Fine.
Every guy is oneof those silly guys- Stop!
The ever-delightfulFiona Wormwood, soon to be Fiona Blank,is indeed numero 29.
But, dude, the list keeps going.
Closing out at...
a hundred and one.
That's impossible.
Wait.
April Fool's Day today, isn't it?
That was yesterday.
Today's the second.
Hmm...
One of the guys.
Zack, Chico, Lester-no, Lester.
Especially Lester.
What better way to mess with me than by sending me the names of all the women I've had sex with?
Teasing mewith an obviously made-up roster.
72 more tantalizingfemale names to, uh- Symbolize all the finetrim you'll be sacrificing once you get married.
Exactly.
Yes.
Hmm.
- Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You sure you don't havea Carlotta Valdes shacked up somewhere?
I mean, according to the list,she's next up.
Carlotta Valdes.
Followed by Cynthia Rose.
Followed by- Well, whoever did thissure put in the hours.
Print it.
Sayonara!
So, now you know.
The last g*dd*mn e-mail.
The list.
Every woman I ever,followed by every woman I- You're not still staring at that list.
No comment.
Oh, did I remember to warn you that you're gonna be kidnappedfrom work for your bachelor party?
Whoa!
Hey, Roderick.
How are you doing?
Ready to party, Rod?
- Oh, no, no.
No one said anything aboutthis going down at my house.
Lester.
- What?
This is my house.
Fiona gave us permission.
Oh, you're insane.
Interesting e-mail today.
- Mmm!
Worry not.
I found a new stripper.
Oh, no.
Not the stripper crisis.
The, uh, kooky one.
The list.
What list?
- The list of- What are you talking about?
Names.
- Well, our fair lady's here, gentlemen!
Turn that up!
Rule six.
No ham radio operating.
Get it?
Breasts?
- Aww...
No ham radio operating.
Rule seven.
No checking the oil.
Checking the oil?
- Get it?
vag*na!
No checking the oil.
And I loved the touch of adding to the list- Rule eight...
the names of womenI've yet to have sex with.
No cotton candy.
- What do you mean, man?
What list?
Oh.
Yeah.
"What list?" Hey!
You two jokersin the back!
Show Precious some respect!
This is a bachelor party.
It ain't fun and games.
Who wants to playmusical lap dances?
♪♪ Aw!
Too bad!
Goodbye!
♪♪ Mm.
You call this decadence?
Bro, it was you!
If only women knew.
The bachelor party.
The best commercial for marriage.
Cream for your coffee?
Mm!
Uh, no thanks.
Carbs.
You laughing at the old coot?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I am.
Hey, what about you?
You're walking aroundyour own party, here, obsessing aboutyour former conquests.
Well, it's actuallya little more complicated.
I was fine until this morning.
I got this crazy list of women- No!
No!
No!
I don't wanna see it.
You don't wanna see it.
Hell, you probably sent itto yourself when you were drunk.
If you're looking for a way out...
Rod, you'll find it.
No, it-it's nothing like that.
Stop looking.
Hang in here for another hour.
Get married next week.
Have a kid.
Reinvent the tater tot!
Make a lotof money!
Have another kid.
Say, "Thanks, Zack."- Okay.
Thanks, Zack.
Mm-hmm.
- Maybe you're right.
Yo!
Groom.
Grand finale.
Don't worry.
Lester's paid for it.
Yikes.
How's that forham radio, buddy?
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah!
Give it to me, big boy!
Oh, that's the way you like it?
Oh, yeah!
Harder!
This is my oldest.
He's four.
f*ck me!
- This is your oldest?
Wow.
He's a good-looking kid.
He's gonna break a lot of hearts.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
- Goddammit!
Harder!
So are you planning onhaving kids with your wife?
Well, definitely.
Yeah.
But you know, right now, we can't evenagree on what kind of dog to- Whoa!
Precious,I told you I don't want to cross the line of- Whoa!
Oh, gosh.
I'm so sorry.
I honestly thoughtyou were kidding about all that "men can be feminists, too" stuff.
Can you blame me for the confusion?
Well, just because I'm giving you a standing ovation, my darling, doesn't mean that wehave to, you know-I- I think we better-- Got it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Doin' it- Hey, I don't want you to takeany of this personally.
I just-you know.
g*dd*mn, what kindof condom is this?
Your fiancée is lucky.
She's got one of the good ones.
I wish I was more intosuccessful white dudes, but, um- two broke Latin husbands, and- Jesus, stop me.
Anyway, man, gracias.
Seriously.
Gracias?
Um, Precious, your real name wouldn't happen to be Carlotta...
Valdes?
How did y- Who told you that?
Um, I think your bodyguardmight have mentioned it.
Like that assholeknows my real name.
So, you staying back there, or...
Why is it so quiet in there?
Carlotta Valdes.
Number 30.
This was more thana bachelor party trick, more than a loyalty test.
This was sex.
And I had a print-out.
I was in the throes ofa sacrilegious epiphany, in possession ofa magical document that promisedan embarrassment of b*tches.
And yet, did itvoid my earlier, rather impassioned soliloquyabout how it's time?
To settle down?
To marry Fiona?
Right then, I nobly revowed my eternal resistanceto other women.
Remember how freaked out you werewhen you first noticed the centerfold wasyounger than you?
Ah, yes, the...
central trauma ofevery American male.
Look at this baby.
And I mean baby.
Born in 1984.
1984.
My life was, like, done by '84.
What are her turn-ons?
- Mmm...
Pudding, air hockey,and pudding.
Bimbo said "pudding" twice.
I do like air hockey.
"Cynthia Rose islooking for a man who's confident, successful,with a nice set of abs." Well, zero out of three ain't bad.
What did you say her name was?
Cynthia Rose.
Nice.
Oh...
Thank you.
Dude, you're notgonna buy the issue?
You look like a Carl.
Can I call you Carl?
You talking to me?
You ever fantasizeabout escaping, Carl?
Escaping this land, this magical landof the newsstand, where all the girlsare right about to pull off their panties,but they never quite do.
Must be kind of frustrating.
Look, if you don't likethe merchandise, babe, pssht!
Found this on your dashboard.
It's a unique color.
Kinda like the onethe Parkside Peeper wears.
Wait.
Uh...
Look, I have a disease.
Okay?
- Okay.
And you could say thatI, too, am a victim, because-- Hey!
No.
Carl.
Don't get me wrong.
I think it's kinda hot.
I mean, how would I knowyou were watching if I wasn't watching you?
Wha-You've beenpeeping on me peeping?
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
That is hot.
Wait, I c- I can't tell if you're playing some feminazi mindfuck game on me or if you're really trying to seduce me.
Well, Carl, why don't we go backto my hotel and find out?
p*ssy is da' b*mb.
No?
This is a joke, right?
Ten seconds onthe shot clock, Kobe.
Come on!
I- This stuff only happens in the movies-- Five- I'm the only oneworking this shift, I- Get out of here.
Are you gay?
Are you impotent?
Or are you just chicken?
Honey?
Sweetie, look.
Your tuxedo.
Rod?
- Perhaps it wasn't time after all.
Don't worry, I didn't cancelthe wedding or anything.
I'm not an assh*le.
I needed to figure things out.
Of course, I didn'tbring up number 31, Cynthia "Miss April" Rose.
I stuck to the basics.
"It's not you, it's me." "I don't want to get marriedjust to get married." I think I even threw ina "things have been crazy at work." Fiona took it well... too well.
I think my sweetie hasa little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
It's more than that, Fi.
I said, I think my sweetiehas a little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
I'm being honest.
We're getting marriedin 11 days, Roderick.
We are past the point of honesty.
We have a g*dd*mn church booked.
Deposits...
orchids.
And you drop thison me right now before I'm aboutto get on a plane to go away with the girlsto a spa for the weekend, you g*dd*mn son of a- Orchids...
It was one thing to upheave my own life, but to break the heart of another was too much for me.
I told Fiona whatshe needed to hear and providedthe requisite snuggles.
That's when I saw it.
No, not that.
This.
Pardon my f*cking French, but we're talking abouta f*cking centerfold here.
f*cking a fuckingcenterfold, if you will.
And believe me, I will.
Last fling like this, I'll never haveto look at another woman again, right?
Right?
Back of the line, bro.
Okay, gentlemen, don't rush.
Get out of the way, will you?
Don't push!
Get out of my way!
- Come on, man!
Hey, stay in line, please.
I know how to play air hockey!
You each get a chance.
Fiona.
Hey, Fi...
you're probablyalready on the plane.
I just wanted to apologizeagain for this morning.
I don't know what'sgoing through my head.
I just-- Is that your car?
Bad connection.
Yeah.
The geeks are revolting.
Like, literally.
My name's Cynthia Rose.
You can call me Cyn.
- Okay.
The guy was so serious.
"You must beso proud of those." I was like,"Dude, they're my breasts, they're not my S.A.T.
scores." So, I thought if I flashed himhe'd shut up, but who knew the whole storewould flip out?
I'm sorry, I forgot.
How long did you sayyou've been living on this planet?
Coffee became cocktails, cocktails became dinner,and dinner became...
You guessed it.
Air hockey.
Darn it!
I thought your centerfold said air hockey was your game.
Are you always thissuave and arrogant?
Well, it's only twoof my many adjectives.
I can't believeI'm talking like this.
I'm getting marriedin less than two weeks.
My fiancée is doing thisbachelorette spa thing this weekend- Wait a minute,you're getting married?
Yep.
Well, why didn't you say so?
That changes everything!
How would you liketo do me a favor?
A favor?
What kind of fav- Don't worry.
It'll end in sex.
Yes, number 31, Cynthia Rose.
You know this is the mostmaniacal shit ever, right?
Trix, I'm sure there's somelogical explanation for all this.
I'm not going towait around for it.
Keys?
Cynthia Rose wanted to bring a presentable manhome to Daddy.
The favor would lastanother 24 hours.
Meeting another fatherunder the guise of boyfriend felt more like cheatingthan the cheating.
But as paper beats rock,desire beats guilt.
Desire beats everything.
I just said that I like baking, and the next day, the centerfoldfamily came up with this concept.
It was likea built-in kitchen set with this apron that- Don't abuse the word "family. ” You know as well as I do, they're just making youan accomplice in your own exploitation.
Well, that's better thannot being an accomplice in my own exploitation.
You asked me what makes a man,Roderick, and I'm going to tell you.
Actually, I hadn't asked.
But there was no stopping Victor Rose III.
Yes, her fatherwas the Victor Rose, entrepreneur extraordinaire.
Getting to have sex tonight was going to be more complicated than I could ever imagine.
My parents believed in tradition, honor, dignity, faith, and free trade, and separate bedrooms for couplesthat are not married.
A toast to the fiery Rose family.
May you- Sorry, Roderick.
Every family hasa sick grandmother, and Granny C just happens to be really old and really scary.
Stop!
Mother deservessome respect, not to be treated like a leper.
Despite her grotesque skin disease.
Dessert, Roderick?
Are you decent?
Absolutely!
Dessert, Roderick?
Oh.
Uh...
You asked if I was decent.
You didn't ask if- Yes, my roommate in collegealways used to do that gag.
It plays better with you.
Lots.
Believe it or not,you did pretty good tonight.
Great.
That old bear down the hall is going to be simply crushedwhen we break up.
You know, your fatherseems pretty serious about the separate bedroom edict.
The greater the danger,the greater the thrill.
That's what I say.
Give me five minutes.
I'm two doors down to the left.
Some guys have this annoying habitof stopping to ask me if they're boinking me too hard.
Don't ask and don't stop.
Foreplay's for losers.
Hmm.
Better make that three minutes.
Yeah.
Oh... yes.
What's going on in there?
Ooh, who died?
It's all right, Roderick.
Mother prayed forthis day many times.
She's at peace now.
She can keep my son company.
Say hello to Vic, Jr., Mommy!
Cyn.
Sir, I'm so sorry.
You must really-- Yeah, whatever.
She was ancientand my brother was a jerk.
What was with you last night?
Why didn't you come?
Come?
With your fatherbarging in like that, didn't really leave a lot of time for either one of usto hit the jackpot.
You know, as they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you come to my room?
I didn't see you at all.
I guess it waspretty dark, but- Mother had the strangest, sweetest, little smile on her face.
I'm convinced that her last moments on this mortal coilwere ones of pleasure.
When you saidtwo doors to the left, did you meanyour left or my left?
What are you talking- I don't know, I guessit was my left.
Why?
Granny C happens to bereally old and...
C. as in Cynthia,as in Cynthia Rose, as in number 31 on your list, as in there's more than one, dipshit!
You f*cked my mother!
And if you were to putyour hand on the bun...
I raced home to tell Fiona everything.
Okay, not everything.
Not anything.
What woman, a weekbefore her wedding, wants to hear aboutsome crazy list of women?
Not to mention, I meanreally not to mention, her future husband's involvement with an 88-year-old leper.
I was sure Fiona wouldtake me into her arms.
Honey, I'm home!
- Instead, she just took.
I never liked this couch.
Fi?
Fiona, what have you done?
Why are you-- You're getting off easy and you know it.
I don't understand.
I adore you.
I want to make you my wife.
It's like you've gotthis lost, far-away look, like you're thinking aboutthe hundreds of other women you plan to sleep withbefore you die.
Hundreds?
70 at most.
Keep going.
You're the guywho notices haircuts.
You never forget Valentine's Day.
- No.
You always have the right,supportive thing to say, even if you don't mean it.
You're not some evil,sexist jerk, Rod.
So who are you?
I am someone that willlove and support you- Oh.
It's not an oral exam.
I'm going to get upoff this couch now.
I'm going to walk to the door.
Do I want you to stop me?
Yes.
Just as my hand is on the knob, I want you to tackle me and hold me and tell methat you can never let me go, while tears streamdown both our faces.
But you better mean it, Rod.
Because right now, you're just oneof the bigger mistakes I've ever made.
But if you convince me to stay, and you can't back it upwith every inch of your soul, then you will be a true villain.
Good call, buddy!
- Ah!
You made the rightdecision, Mr.
Blank, but it's not likeyou had much of a choice.
Whoo!
Okay, what's happening?
Where am I?
Who are you people?
Hello, Mr.
Blank.
I'm Alpha, he's Beta, and that's Fred.
We're here to tell youeverything, Mr.
Blank.
This isn't a dream, and it isn't a dreamwithin a dream, either.
You're not goingto wake up at the end, and I'm your gardenerand these are your pool boys.
This is about the list, isn't it?
Of course it's about the list!
You must be freaking out.
Seriously, what numberare you at right now- Down, Fred.
Mr. Blank...
some people you don't know found some things you don't know in a place you don't know.
And these things have beenvery useful in making a new thing.
One that apparentlyknows everything.
A thing that knows everything, like a computer, a supercomputer.
I prefer the word "machine." Now, this machine will takea few lifetimes to figure out, and I wouldn't go as faras to call it an oracle, but it is... oraclesque.
Last week, it sent outabout 2,900 e-mails, answers to questions nobody asked- not us, not the e-mail recipients.
Almost everyone received nothing morethan an individual date- day, month, year.
You're very lucky you didn'tget that one, Mr.
Blank.
It was the dayof the recipient's death.
But then there's you.
Yes, a few of the e-mails drew an unnaturalattention to themselves.
Well, yeah, but yoursis the best, far and away.
A list of everyone you'regoing to have sex with?
Oh man, this other poor dickgot the same list.
One name!
The wife that he losthis virginity to.
What a sap!
Fred-- I mean, can you imagine?
Fred!
Mr.
Blank, I think you knowwhere I'm going with this.
If people were to find outabout the machine, it would cause panicand confusion and- You're threatening me?
Not to be a smart-ass.
If your little oracle is for real, then I can't diebefore bedding down the last lady on the list.
Grand to finallymeet you, Mr.
Blank.
The door is atthe end of the hall.
Yeah, and if youhave any questions, drop in any time, bro.
Can't believeI believe all this.
But you do,and we appreciate it.
You've been guaranteeda robust sex life, Mr. Blank.
That should be enough for you.
Lose the list.
Burn it, bury it,whatever you need to do.
If you let the list in your life, it will infectevery fiber of your being.
Bye-bye.
I like him.
He seems sensible.
Hey, hey, uh, almighty, all-knowing guys?
You just confirmed the validityof a list of 101 sure things.
Okay?
So, a list like that,doesn't get burned or buried.
It gets used.
And I mean, it gets, like,crazy-montage-sequence used.
"French-New Wave,learning Gymkata, I can't believe they could affordthat song" montage.
It's gonna be f*cking nuts!
He's just- He's going to f*ck a lot.
♪♪ ♪ I'm surrounded softly ♪ ♪ By the beat ♪ ♪ Still dumbfounded ♪ ♪ By the intolerable heat ♪ ♪ You came close to me ♪ ♪ And you danced ♪ ♪ It came close to ♪ ♪ Being my last ♪ ♪ I'll take what's mine ♪ ♪ Before I regret it ♪ I'm saving that seatfor a friend.
What's your name?
Kathleen, Mr. Manners.
That's a shame.
- What did you say?
Oh, I said, it's a nice name.
Roderick Blank.
Ooh, first and last names,how formal.
Well...
- Ah.
Here's my standing up friendand colleague Greta Sampsa.
This is the guy who took your seat.
Greta Sampsa, now that'sa fantastic name.
What would you like?
A slow, nasty fuckon the coffee table.
Would you like thatwith Bacardi or Myer's?
Bacardi.
Did you know I wastalking about a drink?
Maybe, maybe not.
♪ I'll take what's mine before I...
♪ This your only piece of ID?
You swear you'renot named after anyone else in your family?
Listen, you're cute and I'm drunk, and my plane is groundeduntil tomorrow, but if you want to- ♪ I'll take what's mine ♪ ♪ Before I...
♪ Noreen!
Leslie and Yuca!
Here you go.
- Thanks, Bill.
Enjoy.
Julie!
♪ You're having my sex ♪ ♪ You're sleeping with my wife ♪ ♪ You're having my kidsand the time of my life ♪ ♪ You're writing my book ♪ ♪ You're starring in my film ♪ ♪ You have the number oneand my number ten ♪ ♪ We could be suchvery good friends ♪ ♪ If you let me in ♪ ♪ The higher the gates,the longer the wait ♪ ♪ Please let this poor boy sin ♪ ♪ You're having my sex ♪ ♪ You're sleeping with my wife ♪ ♪ You're having my kidsand the time of my life ♪ ♪ You're writing my book ♪ ♪ You're starring in my film ♪ I'd say thatI was mature and content.
But if you have to saythat stuff out loud, it can't possibly be true.
I thought I was aboveall the hot chicks, high-five,beer-commercial bullshit.
I was above nothing.
The list was life.
Have a startling and unique day, Mr. Blank.
- Thank you.
Wait a second,how did you know my name?
Swallows is the case studyin my business class.
I thought I'd get somefirst-hand experience and make a little moneyat the same time.
Very little money.
That's fascinating...
Alexis.
Alexis de Large.
Wait a minute.
How did you know my last name?
Yeah, yeah!
That's the way you like it.
Well, yes, I findthe honey mustard sauce really brings out the flavor.
Pull my hair.
What?
Up to the window.
Have a startlingand u-u-u- Is it too lateto squeeze in a cherry pie?
April to August, I went from number 29to number 62.
Maybe I was moving too fast.
But then, I guessI was supposed to.
I crossed out the names,but remembered the faces.
Their stare, my stare.
We think if we exchangethe meaningful stare, the meaning will kick in later.
But does it?
One or both of youtry to say something like, "It's just sex." But is it?
You think sending mea bunch of roses is going to make me- You think paying my car insurance is going to make me forget that you cheat- A stuffed animal?
I overheard a waitress sayyou paid off her car ins- Earth to Roderick Blank!
Stop having hot sex.
Get your ass up to the housefor a barbeque.
It is my boy Max's birthday.
Or my son Kyle.
Be here!
When my wedding was canceled, there had been a chillamong the married folk.
You'd have thoughtI'd left them at the altar.
But now they kind oflike having me around.
The ladies' man.
Lizzie is an amazingwoman, Zack.
I mean, what she's done with that clinic.
The way she's raisedyour two kids.
Yeah, yeah, my wife'sa g*dd*mn saint.
Now, this stewardess,did she say, "Come on my ass"or "Come in my ass?" Oh, Roderick's definitionof having children is a little different than ours.
Why raise themwhen you can pork them?
Ooh!
Lizzie, how many timesdo I have to tell you?
I didn't knowshe was your niece.
Besides, she's 19- and a half.
And I found her to bevery mature for her age.
Rod!
- So bad.
Husbands, wives, kids, families.
It was not just a worldI was supposed to want, it was a worldI genuinely wanted.
What's life without experiencing the wonder of a child?
I named my hamster Dog.
- Oh.
And when I get a dog, I'm goingto name him after you.
Mr.
Butt.
You about ready?
Yeah.
You know, maybe they're right.
I should lower the old periscopefor a while, hold out for someone special.
Special?
If the subject iscooking or crab grass, then you can listento married people.
Come on.
You're hitting basketsfrom everywhere on the court.
This is no timeto go back to the bench.
Hey.
I'm Bob.
Rod, is it?
- Yeah.
My apologies, I just-I couldn't help overhearing your good fortune withthe female of the species.
I'm hoping it'll rub off.
And why is that, kind sir?
Oh, funny story.
One morningabout five months ago, I came to work, and right thereon my computer screen, a day, a month and a year.
A date.
Today's date.
I'm utterly convincedthat it's a sign.
The night thatI'm to meet my soul mate.
You had to ask him.
- I've gone as far as to procure lodgingsdown the street at the Hotel Taboo.
Kind of spicy.
Wait.
You received an unexplained dateas an e-mail?
Yeah.
Your next drink's on me.
Oh, how very kind of you.
♪♪ ♪♪ Oh...
I'd like to be the meatin that fairy sandwich.
So out of your leaguein so many ways.
♪ I need two girls ♪ ♪ If I can't have you ♪ Holy lesbo.
Is that Bambi and Thumper?
♪ I need two girls ♪ ♪ If I can't have you ♪ All right, Trix, they're all yours.
I'm out.
Where's he- What league are wetalking about here?
You don't know Bambi Kiddand Thumper Wint?
The Euro-Prague rock superstar and the British astronaut?
Rod!
The Blog!
The reality show.
The daily streaming video.
They are the Beyond-UltimateLesbian Power Couple.
They go from town to town, mm, raising awarenesson important issues by empowering young women...
and then seducing them.
I'm hoping for an autograph.
Or a three-way.
Oh, back off,they're looking over here.
My friends,it's not about buying them flowers.
It's not about pretendingto ignore them.
It's all about just knowing.
I know, easy for me to say.
Bambi and Thumper, was it?
Bambi and Thumper.
W- Why are they staring at you?
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Don't tell me one of themis on that f*cking list.
That list of f*cking-- No, one of them is not on the list.
But you see, even before the list, I always knew just knowing beats any gift, tactic,or opening line, no matter whatthe sexual orientation.
♪ If I can't have you ♪ ♪ One that I can love ♪ ♪ To have and to hold ♪ ♪ One for at the club ♪ Wish me luck.
I may be coming in late tomorrow.
Rod?
Hey, Rod!
Hey!
Hey, I found her!
She's the one!
Can you-What a night!
What a night, indeed.
Hey, have you thought any moreabout my offer, my love?
I mean, yours are nice,don't get me wrong.
Really, really nice, but is there reallysuch a thing as too big?
Let's just enjoy this moment.
- All right.
Just, you know, with my positionat the company, I get a 40% discount onwhatever kind of implant you want.
Hey, Bob.
Seriously, enjoy the moment.
Okay.
You win.
"My wounds are deeperthan your desires." "My wounds are deeperthan your desires." "My wounds are deeperthan your desires." "My wounds are deeperthan your desires." Drink?
Don't mind if I do.
Is the gentleman surprisedthat he's here?
No, the gentleman is not.
Oh!
Did you hear that,Miss Kidd?
He's very cocky.
Accent on the cock, Miss Wint.
Boy, my assistantis gonna k*ll me- That is so sweet.
He is trying to talk to us.
Man-guy, just sign the confidentialityagreement on the table.
Now.
The kind sir does understand a vegan doesn't tell her friends that she just wolfed downa greasy cheeseburger.
Yes, the kind sirunderstands... kind of.
Bottoms up.
Whoa!
Looks like everyone's havinga good time tonight, huh?
So what do you sayabout round two?
I may need a littlein about 30 minutes.
And I'd like you to meetmy family, if that's okay.
I was thinking, I'm from, uh- Oh, my God!
Is that paint?
Does that come off?
Wh-why would you do that?
I put this roomon my credit card.
What are you trying to do,imitate that disturbed woman who's going around...
Oh, dear.
What can I say, Bob?
Some dreams aretoo true to be good.
Well, I must say,you're being a real cun- uh-I didn't say it- cunning woman, you are.
That's what I was-I was g-help?
Ow!
I was faking it!
Don't tell me youwere faking it, Miss Kidd.
I know when you're faking it,and you did that thing with your toes!
No...
- Bambi, Thumper, please, don't fight.
You said you wouldn'tget jealous, Miss Wint!
Okay.
Maybe fighta little more.
This is not about sex!
This is about intimacy!
Real intimacy!
That's it.
Turn the cameras off.
Keep the camera rolling!
Cameras?
Rolling?
Oh, no, no.
No, this is crazy.
You can't film this!
Well, you did know the confidentialityagreement's really a release form.
Haven't you seen our show?
Don't you changethe subject, Star Whore.
Help me, somebody!
It's her!
She's here!
I think they're kind of having some problems oftheir own there, Bob.
Please!
Just tell mewhat you want from me!
Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?
Take forever, if you have to.
Don't.
Please.
Please.
Please wait.
Just wait.
Wait.
I- This is not fair.
It's not like I hit you,or roofied you, or openly exploited you in- Oh, this is the breastimplant thing?
Okay.
Look, I'm justthe company accountant.
I keep the books!
Please!
All I need to know is, why?
I deserve a good reason- Why do men alwaysget to have reasons?
Did you think women get to havereasons when they get att*cked?
I want everyone on red alert here.
Although you do bring upa legitimate point.
I mean, you're notMaster Bitchslap or the Parkside Peeper.
Or even that captainof the lacrosse team, who- Whoap!
Bob?
Oh...
Bob.
Aw, pilgrim.
Guess it was just your time.
Oh, yeah...
What a night.
What time do you have tobe down at the new location?
Trixie?
Hey, I'm sorry about last night.
If it makes you feel any better, it was the mosttraumatic night of my- Okay, well, it wasn't all bad, but...
I'm sorry.
It's always been a fantasyto be with two women at once.
You know, lesbians,rock stars, astronauts.
Okay, maybe not astronauts.
But you know, sexy femalespace travelers.
You're giving the fingerto the intercom box, aren't you?
I know.
I know.
I lied about 'embeing on the list.
The list.
Damn it!
Don't get me wrong,a piece of paper that tells me whether or notI'm gonna get lucky, you're not gonna sayanything bad about, but...
it's-it's like...
watching a tapeof a football game, and you know your team wins.
It's not unenjoyable, but can it really compareto watching the game live, and they're going for iton the fourth down?
And you don't know if-- Sports metaphors...
aren't my thing.
But it sounds like you're going for "The thrill of the pursuit is more exciting than the conquest." I can't help it!
I mean, I see the name, I want to find her and meet her, so I can cross her out,and I can get to the next name.
I'm not in controlof my own destiny.
That may be true.
But you're notsupposed to know that!
You're meddling withthe primal forces of nature.
I mean, my God.
Am I on the list, too?
I mean- Ah.
Whew.
You got scaredthere a little, didn't you?
Oh, you were more scared.
- Yes.
Trixie?
What if I were meantto be with these women, no matter what?
What if you were meantto bury the list, and calm the heck down?
You know...
if we bury the list, guess what?
You were meant to bury the list.
Live your life.
Whatever happens, happens.
You know, it's a sheetof paper, not a body.
Sheet of paper, not a body!
Yeah.
It's time.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Breathe.
Breathe, Roderick!
Yeah!
Breathe!
Yes, I have deletedall remnants of the list on my hard drive.
But remember, oh weak one, we areputting a tulip to mark this spot.
If you wuss out, we will dig it up.
Wait.
One more name?
- Oh, Rod!
Please?
Couple of lettersI'm gonna give ya.
Dr.
Mir- Please, one more letter.
What's that gonna make?
One letter-no!
Don't grab it!
Mir-Mir- One more letter!
- That's it!
We're ready!
I'm starting to takea liking to Trixie.
I think she'sa very good influence.
It's not gonna happen, Beta.
You can't burysomething that precious.
Death Nell tookher tenth victim last night.
Hm?
- That double-digit rule.
When a serial killerhits ten, we get called.
We-Like we don't haveenough on our plate?
I thought she only did comas!
Not last night.
But on the side of the bright, home base says the machinehas taken an interest.
No way he's really doing it!
Ready?
- Quick.
Before I change my mind.
Way to go, Roderick.
Way to go.
Rod, you're missing this.
They crossed into our territory.
We could lose this.
I know.
Isn't it exciting?
If we blow it again in their red zone, it's gonna leave a badtaste in my mouth.
That's what your boyfriendsaid last night.
Hey...
- Lester, what are you feeding your turtle?
Ugh.
Anything thatwill make him sick.
I'm sorry, Skippy.
But Daddy's gotta seethat veterinarian.
What?
This is nothing!
I saw this freak in a parking lot try to shove a bottle openerin a Great Dane's ass, just to get anemergency appointment.
Are you talking aboutthe vet over on Vera Donna?
Oh...
- Lizzie threatened to put Mr. Whiskers to sleep if I went near that place again.
She is so pretty.
- Mmm.
But not in like a, "I'm a model, don't f*cking look at me" way.
And she's just so smart and funny.
- Yes.
And you know what I love about her?
My favorite thing.
The way she cracks her neck.
- Mmm-mm-mm.
What about that silver anklet of hers?
- Ohh...
You know, if you can'tmake it to the clinic, you should try the gymon Wednesday, or Trader Joe's on Thursday.
Well, I do like Trader Joe's.
- Yeah.
It's all on theDr.
Miranda Storm website.
Yeah, it's a website.
I've been there.
It's put together by one of thesereal stalker geek types.
Oh, thank Godyou're not one of those.
Ladies, we've gota football game going on here.
Enough talking aboutthe X chromosome.
Especially the almightyDr.
Miranda- Dr.
Mir- Is he smirking?
You're smirking.
Why is Rod smirking?
Interception!
You see it?
I told you!
I told you!
Yes!
Oh, yes!
Phew.
Perfecto.
I can still make Miranda's4:20 Starbucks appearance.
She orders a...
Macchiato with extra foam.
I could use some caffeine myself.
I'll come with.
No, you're not getting anywherenear her, Midas d*ck.
Fine.
I'll go to Deitrich's, then.
I got work to do, anyway.
Please, Rod.
Just this one time,don't seduce this- Oh, diarrhea!
Yes!
You always carrya bottle opener?
This little guy?
He's been through a lot.
I quit my job today becauseof this bottle opener.
Not-so-great day.
Long story.
Why were you staring at me?
Oh, don't worry, Doc.
I'm not one of your stalkers.
If I were, I'd be at Starbucksabout now, wouldn't I?
You've seen the website.
No.
I've-I've heard about it.
I've heard about you.
Really.
Well, you missed out.
It's quite good.
It's got great graphics,challenging quizzes.
It's obviously caused meto rearrange my rituals.
You're not gonna useyour spoon, are you?
Okay.
The bottle opener,I'm gonna let slide.
But the spoon?
Start talking.
A place like this,it gives you a knife, a fork, a spoon,wrapped in a napkin.
Now the knife,the fork, the napkin, they all get used.
Most cafe items,they don't call for a spoon.
But that little guy, he gets thrownin the washing machine, over and over,time and time again.
Without a sense of worth.
Not only compassionateto furry creatures, but inanimate objects as well.
There's gonna be some funin the chat room tonight.
You're doing it again.
That funny, charmingstaring thing.
It's not unpleasant.
But you should know that I...recently got out of a very bad relationship, so I'm- Yeah, I just got out ofa lot of bad relationships.
I promise I won'tfall in love with you as long as you promise you won'tfall in love with me.
Oh, I promise.
Favorite Vonnegut.
One, two, three.
Cat's Cradle.
Favorite Dylan.
One, two, three.
Nashville Skyline.
Funniest movie ever made.
One, two, three.
Some Like It Hot.
- Caddyshack.
Oh.
Guys in dresses.
That's really reinventingthe wheel there, Roderick.
A woman who likes Caddyshack.
Who wouldn't like Caddyshack?
Favorite porno?
One, two, three.
All those tingling thrill-of-the-pursuit feelings came flooding back.
So then came wish three.
I said I wanteda pumpkin as a head.
Sure, I had the whole"Dr.
Mir" thing, from my peek at the list, to clue meinto where Miranda and I were heading.
But this would bemore than a romance.
More than a merechecking-off of a name.
This would be love.
Why rush the sex?
Okay.
- All day, people wheel and take backthe carts in the front.
And this poor bastardin the middle probably hasn't been pushed in months.
- Tragic.
It's tr-you know what?
It is.
Help.
You know, you say you've been lookingfor an idea for a children's book.
How about all theseinanimate objects of yours?
The spoon that never gets used.
The missing sock thatreunites with his twin.
The multi-CD player thattragically gets turned off seconds before proudly finishing a five-disc shuffle.
That's so it.
Yes, it is.
Roderick...
I've been lookingfor you all my life.
You're the best!
Come on.
Get out.
Okay.
The cheek thing had thrown me a bit.
But there's nothinglike a warm kiss coming after a delicioushome-cooked meal.
Compliments to the chef.
Hmm.
Yup.
I was back in the kitchen.
- Yeah?
And the chef thinksyou're pretty great, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just-just not- No, no, no, no.
It's okay.
- I'm just feeling- Just relax.
It's okay- No, Roderick.
- It's all right.
I adore you.
I do.
I'm just...
screwed up about sex.
Ah, it's okay- I mean, you're handsome.
Devilishly so,if you must know.
It's just... you so remind me of the guy my mom went out with, after the divorce, Rockin' Randy.
He ran the surf shop.
And he was a crossbetween you and Bam-Bam from The Flintstones.
Listen, okay, look.
I'm not saying nothing'sever gonna happen between us.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just- I'm just sayingif it's gonna happen...
it's just gonna happen.
Yeah.
- Right?
Yeah.
Really, why worry about it?
You're the best.
I'm gonna clean up.
You can pick out another DVD.
Something funny.
I guess you could say that's when the madness set in.
Thanks.
So Miranda and I went tothe Fellini retrospective yesterday.
Oh, she said the coolest thing.
If Marcelo were alive-- Have you f*cked her yet?
What is with that question?
Have you f*cked her yet?
Have you f*cked her yet?
Son...
have you f*cked her yet?
Yo, Rod, have you f*cked her- Hey, have you- Let me tell you something.
Miranda and I are buildinga bond of trust and respect.
Excuse me for still believingthat love is something more than a sloppyfusion of genitalia.
Miranda, we needto discuss something.
I-- Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
- You okay?
Hide me.
No, just hide me.
Sure.
There'sa Frida Kahlo-looking dude.
No, no, right- Oh, no, I got it.
I met him at this HalloweenPoe poetry reading thing.
I can't believeI slept with him.
I was wasted.
Halloween, two weeksago Halloween?
I told you,I'm totally screwed up about sex.
Screwed up about sex?
Screwed up about sex?
It's more like you're screwing.
That's funny.
Come on, let's gosomewhere else.
Bam-Bam.
Back in the day, if a woman didn't havesex with you it was okay, because it wasn't like she was having sexwith anyone else.
Where is that whore-bitchJane Austen when you need her?
I chose to rememberthe good times.
The way Miranda made you feel like you were the onlyone in the world.
That time she readmy slaughterhouse reform bill.
It's wonderful, just wonderful.
But then there wasthat next day at lunch.
How was that salad for you?
Oh...
Wonderful, just wonderful.
And in conclusion, yeah,go ahead, crucify me, but I refuse to live in a society that has reduced the worldto the question, "Have you f*cked her yet?" That would be a no.
I don't even thinkhe's seen her naked.
Oh...
Wonderful, just wonderful.
What the f*ck?
I'm not saying nothing'sever gonna happen between us.
Doctor...
Mir-hah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, Dr.
Mirabella Stone!
No!
No!
No!
Don't mock me.
Miranda told meshe was coming out of a bad relationship.
And no one has ever had sexcoming out of a bad relationship.
Oh, we're moving way too fast, I'm not feeling well.
If someone wantsto have sex with you, they'll have sex with you.
The rest is just dinner theater.
So that's it.
The machine.
Oh, no, the machine is much- Sure.
The wall has a connection.
Thing's going to bethe death of me.
Oh, come on, cheer up,droopy drawers.
I mean, look on the sideof the bright.
Even if you went downto a tropical island, all right?
The remaining 34 chickson this list would be renting jet skisto zoom down there and party with youwhether you liked it or not.
I don't like it.
I don't want other women.
I want Miranda!
I've been a goodsport with this thing.
There was a little weirdnessat the beginning, but I went with the flow.
I sabotaged a wedding,I lost deposits, I toyed with a lotof people's feelings, including my own,but I didn't care.
I care now.
I have found someonethat touches me down to my marrow.
And if you think thatsome contraption is gonna- You know, you know- sometimes love is stronger than- No, it's not!
I was so proud of you when you...
were burying the list in the backyard.
Horoscopes, psychics,Tarot cards, coming attractions thatgive away the whole movie.
Why must you peopleknow everything?
That's a good point, Alpha, sir.
Remember when you saidthe machine was a mystery?
That could mean that there'ssome kind of kink or flaw, something thatwe don't know about- Stop thinking aboutthe machine, Mr.
Blank.
It's progress.
There's nothingyou can do about it.
Science and technologydon't care whether we live or die.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The solution's been rightin front of us the whole time!
What, what is it?
Blow jobs.
Blow jobs!
Oh, man, what a loophole.
All right, sex is work.
Is she having a good time?
Am I meeting her needs?
You got to thinkabout her feelings, but with a blow job,you just lie back, every now and then touchthe back of her head if you think she's getting tentative.
I mean, seriously, if someonegives me an intercourse buffet, or just a blow job on a stick, I'll take blow jobon a stick, dude.
No, you people-you people are sick.
I've given my heart to Miranda.
I want to cradle herin my arms, I want to make the kind of lovewhere you feel as though you're oneliving, breathing...
You really thinkshe might go down on me?
Death Nell has just put to sleep an entire fraternity in Fresno.
Eight members.
Death Nell?
What do you guys dofor a living again?
It's the double-digit rule.
When a serial k*ller hits ten victims,we get called.
No, I'm still getting details.
Apparently...
Well, apparently it wasthe same frat house that was acquitted last year for manufacturingthe date r*pe drug.
D.N.
put her own drug in the keg.
Is that amusing to you, Roderick?
No, I'm just checkingmy messages.
The almighty machine's rep'sabout to take another hit.
They love the concepts,they love the drawings, they-they're goingto publish the book!
Rod, I owe you so, so, much!
There's no waywe are not celebrating tonight.
Okay?
So I'm goingto be at your place, 8:00 sharp, ready for action.
I so love you.
You're a very lucky man to havefound such a soulmate, Mr.
Blank, but unfortunately- It's in her voice!
You don't even needthe bizarro list.
She doesn't think of you in- Roderick...
I'm certain that somevery interesting things will occur this evening.
Your penis going into her vaginawill not be one them.
But have a lovely evening.
Gentlemen, I'd loveto stay and chat, but I got a date with a lady.
I don't think he's even seen her naked.
Hey!
Author!
Author!
Thank you.J.K. Rowling, eat shit.
I'm so sorry I'm late,it's just- It's been crazy.
But I told everyone thatwe'd meet them at the bar.
It's my treat, for once.
- Everyone?
I thought tonightwas between you and- I made pesto.
You did.
That's so sweet,but Rod, we gotta go out.
We're celebrating!
My brother and the two Jessicas,they're already there, but you know what,it's no big deal.
Hey, hey, just relax.
- Listen, if you-what?
Let's just hang for a bit, you know, a little pre-party.
Dude, I thoughtwe were past this.
No?
Miranda, I know you once saidyou weren't attracted to me, but that was beforewe went on the camping trip.
That was before I loadedthe graphics program into your laptop.
Before-- Why is it that men think that women- women are like these giantthermometers at those telethons, where every time you dosomething nice for them, they get a little redder,and a little redder, and a little redder,and a little redder, and when you hit the top,we have to f*ck you?
That is not funny!
Shit!
Okay, I'm sorry.
All right, just slip on down here, just do a little clean-up.
Hey, what are the fivescariest words a woman can say?
I wanna be-- Just friends.
You know, it's likesome bad stand-up routine.
Just?
Just.
Do you know howimportant it was for me to make one real friendin this city?
I would die for you.
Who do you thinkI'm dedicating my book to?
My insane parents?
"To Roderick Blank, my friend." Nice celebration.
Oh, Miranda.
Man, that is one tough break.
Girlfriend finds out her little book's getting published and then...
It's terrible.
Not my girlfriend.
For what it's worth, from our end, we're satisfied the deathwas just an accident.
Just- Excuse me, officer, I wanted to giveMr.
Blank the opportunity to say goodbye to his girlfriend.
- Not my- Can I be alone with her?
Miranda.
Oh, precious Miranda.
You know, I never wanted this.
I- I only wanted- They said that we could never, never ever be together.
But hey, we're gonna have the last laugh, are we not, my love?
Okay, now that I think about it, maybe this is wherethe madness set in.
Yes, I know,my beacon of light.
This is sad, this is desperate, this is disgusting, but aren't all revolutions?
We have to stand up to the list.
Stand up to the machine.
Stand up to fate.
Stand up, soldier.
Oh, come on, stand up.
Oh, let it out, Mr. Blank.
It's okay.
Let it out.
You poor, sweet man.
You poor, sweet, handsome man.
Oh, shh...
It's okay.
Sorry.
Believe me, I'd hoped it wasa dream sequence, too.
If it makes you feel any better, my tale has a satisfying ending.
But this isn't it.
It's only number 67.
Six, five, four, three, two, one,Happy New Year!
Nobody has said"Happy New Year" to you.
Thank you.
Roderick Blank.
Ester Fenchel.
But your friends call you Terry.
No, but that's strange because that'smy husband's name, Terry.
Nice tie.
Just leave the bottle.
Gentlemen, I give you the Matador.
Oh!
No!
Not the prototype!
Eating and starving, and eating and starving.
I was told to take some time off, to get away from it all for a while.
But there was no escape.
I had noticed a lotof French, German, and Italian names on the list, so I dutifully bookedpassage to Europe.
Hearing of allthe magnifique women, my friends concludedthat I had had the greatest vacationof all time.
I'm glad they enjoyed it.
Good evening.
You have to f*ck me,so come over and f*ck me.
No dinner.
Do you have a pen?
Let me give you directions.
Ew!
Hello.
Oh, star 69.
Yes, it was a crank.
I'm sorry.
Your mother picked up?
Fainted?
Yes.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Why are you laughing?
In my own feeble way, I had tried to defy the list.
But once again, the list knew what it was doing, what I was doing.
But guess what.
I was about to meet a woman that was the answerto all my problems.
Hope?
- Amber Anne.
Roderick?
I've been trying for yearsto get a rise out of my mother.
You did it in five seconds.
Name your poison.
Hope Hartlight was the author of a best-selling self-help book.
I found her to bewarm, compassionate, and a little old.
So I wasn't attractedto Hope Hartlight.
It's not like I was going to get outof having sex with her.
So, to her surprise,I asked her out again, figuring we'd eventuallyaccidentally end up having sex, and I could move on.
But a funny thing happened.
Hope listened.
Hope guided.
Hope was literatureafter ten months of pop-up books, chess after ten monthsof checkers.
You're a chapter 17.
May she spring eternal- As for my friends,what do you think?
Hope was an Earth-mother goddess, put down here to savethe sinner's soul.
If you let her go,I'll bring her back.
You know, you strike meas the kind of guy who would make funof a one-month anniversary celebration.
You've changed me.
You've healed me.
That's a reallybeautiful thing to say.
Thank you.
You know, I've gotthat book signing next week in Vermont.
I'm thinking maybeyou should come with me.
They've got a terrificbed and breakfast up there.
Oh, my God.
We could just sleep late, on the day I don'thave to work, of course.
But you could justhang out all day.
You can walk around nakedin the backyard.
There's nobody there,it's off-season.
Hope Hartlight didn't really vanish into thin air like that.
It took a couple of weeks.
How could being the answerto all my problems not be enough?
If a friend of mine hadbeen going out with Hope, I'd be so proud of him.
Guess that's the problem.
I'd be proud,but I wouldn’t be jealous.
And a man would rather haveanother man's jealousy than another man's respect.
Man, hate to saythat one out loud.
Okay.
So, maybe Hope wasn'tthe hottest piece of pie you've ever been with, but Roderick,I was so proud of you.
Us married guys are taking a lotof heat over this one, big guy.
It seems that you broke some "messing with the feelingsof a woman over 35" covenant.
I thought we agreed we weren'tgoing to do an intervention.
No, we agreed we wouldn't usethe word "intervention." Of course it's an intervention.
- Okay.
Poor Rod, still under the illusion that out there walking around is the perfect girl, just for him.
News break!
This just in.
The woman known tothe world as Death Nell has apparently lefther driver's license at the site of her latest attack.
It is the break in the case investigators have been hopingand praying for all year.
And now, Channel Nine gives youan exclusive first look at this dramatic license.
If you're just joining us, Death Nell seduced and sedated misogynist shock jock D.J. Harry Hunt during a commercial break on his morning drive-time program.
I appreciate everyone'sconcern here.
I, um...
Hello?
Hey, Trixie, turn that up.
Did they really catchthat satanic succubus?
No, and the word's"freedom fighter." Can we go in closer on that license-- Let me guess.
I'm gonna bet thather real name is not Death Nell!
This is some intervention.
Gillian De Raisx.
That name again, folks,Gillian De Raisx.
Death Nell is Gillian De Raisx.
Gillian De Raisx.
The X is silent.
It was a name that sounded familiar.
And when a name soundedfamiliar, it usually meant...
Okay, this wasn't happening.
I know what you're thinking.
Surely I would have memorizedthe last name on the list.
Not to put too finea point on it, but why?
No one wants to think aboutthe last name on the list, because the last nameon the list means...
What did you say to him?
Where's he going?
Fred!
Oh, man, it's kind of funny.
It's not like she's the next one.
She may not be the next one, but she sure as hell is the last one.
Hey, there's got to beanother woman on the planet whose name is Gillian De aisx.
With her last namespelled with a silent X?
I don't think so.
- Calm down.
Gillian de Raisx may not bethe Gillian de Raisx.
As you can see,the machine is closing in on the one known as Death Nell.
The timelines have beenjust a little off, but- Oh, great.
More coordinates.
At this rate, I'd saya couple of weeks from now by the end of March,the Oracle will tell us where Gillian de Raisx is staying at the precise momentshe's staying there.
Now, I'm assuming,Mr.
Blank, that you can hold off fromhaving sex with how many?
Twenty.
- Twenty.
Twenty different womenin the next two weeks.
Hey, I've had sex with three womenin my entire life- none if you don't count paying for it.
I could live off 20 women.
Now, we can tell younot to have sex, but you have to go beyond that now.
You have to take your mindto a whole other realm.
Read a book you'vealways wanted to read.
I find model airplanescan be an exacting but ultimately rewarding- Model airplanes are great, but I got to go backto the blow jobs.
Fred.
Not constructive.
How do you feel about biking?
I can't believe these arethe kind of conversations I've become a part of.
He's still in torment.
Give him one.
One what?
Ah, yes, yes.
Our aforementioned Oracle, while rather erraticin capturing criminals, has come up with the answers to some of our culture'smost significant mysteries.
And I think we cangive you one of them.
Any of the biggies?
Okay, uh, who killedNicole Simpson and Ron Goldman?
You're kidding.
- Yeah, I'm kidding.
Let me see.
Let me see.
How about who really shot JFK?
Oh, pick another one.
It takes, like, 20 minutes to print out.
Okay, life on other planets.
How many planetsin the universe have- Eleven.
- Eleven?
That's it?
That's it.
How manymore do you want?
Wait a sec.
Does God exist?
Cut it out.
You only get one.
Please.
You guys are mean.
You don't want to be in L.A.on July 4th weekend.
Beta, enough.
There are 20 human shieldsbetween you and Miss de Raisx.
Be conservative.
Don't use up any of themuntil we catch the villainess.
And remember...
a new realm of existence.
A new realm of existence.
No sex...
no death.
Good luck.
♪♪ ♪ On my own again ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ On my own again ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ On the move again ♪ ♪ I need to be ♪ ♪ On my own again ♪ ♪ I want to be ♪ ♪ On my own again ♪ Yay!
Whoo!
"I never believed the wild and lascivious letters in your magazinewere true until now." "My best friend was cycling upstate "when his bike hit a pothole, "sending him head over heels.
"Lucky for my buddy,a bus on its way "up to an 'Up With Jesus'jamboree, stopped, "and the students ofa nondenominational Idaho Bible college "lifted his dazed, bruised body "and put it in the middleof the aisle.
"He thought they weregoing to help him.
"Instead, they helped themselves.
"Among the girls of the bus, "there had been much talkof the albatross "of not having lost one's virginity.
"My friend's appearanceon the road "was taken as a sign.
"A pact was made.
"Everyone's virginity must go, "and he would be the chosen vessel.
"All virgins.
"All 18-year-olds.
"Uniforms.
"Nineteen 18-year-oldvirgins in uniforms.
Straws were drawn,and first up was Mona Farlow." f*ck.
f*ck!
f*ck.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
f*ck, f*ckity,f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
f*ck.
f*ck.
f*ck!
"It was a day my friendwould never forget." Any changesbefore we mail it in?
Please stop.
I can't take it.
I'm curious.
Was there a lot of blood?
Sorry.
Never mind.
Wow!
The ultimate male perversion.
- God!
You can die now.
Well, that seemsto be the problem.
Have I told you allthe good news?
I'm getting married.
The lucky gal's nameis Ethel Walters.
I hope you can allmake the wedding.
Ethel Walters?
Do we know her?
I don't know.
Do you?
I really need to get in touchwith her right away.
Does the name ring a bellwith anyone?
Maybe you should lie back down.
Hey, you know what?
Where was the driverin all this?
Because I get thatthe church group chaperone was on another bus,but you can't tell me they let the second group of girlsjust transport themselves.
The driver, yeah.
I don't seem to r- That's funny.
The driver...
There's a whole lot of actiongoing on back here.
Figure I'd get myself a piece.
Now, now, you relax.
You skinny little white girlsain't tattling on nobody.
f*ck!
You can't have sex with me!
Roderick, it's me, Trixie.
I'm not going to r*pe you.
You know that.
- Just leave me alone.
Get up, you big baby.
Got one word for you:Qantas.
You are going to Australia.
Your flight leaves in the morning,so start packing.
You don't get it.
I can't escape.
She'll rent a jet ski,and she'll track me down.
I was on the Net all night.
I found another Gillian de Raisx.
Oh, yeah, that spellsher last name with a- Yes, with a silent X.
She's a marine biologistbased outside of Sydney.
Oh, this picture.
Which one's the walrus?
She's big-boned with a healthy appetitefor life, assh*le.
What is-What is thaton her face?
It's a rash from her explorationof the Barrier Reef.
Ooh.
- Oh, God!
Roderick, you'd rather die than have sex with an overweight womanwith a slight skin condition?
But it's- it's not that slight.
Trixie, I'm sure she's a great- I got you some booksto read on the plane.
I have underlined somevery good conversation starters.
So help me, if youdo not go Down Under and seduce this Sheila- Well, I do like dolphins.
Trixie.
No matter what happens, thank you for being there.
You're a true pal.
It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?
Send me a postcard, jerk.
With a koala on it.
♪ Doot-doo doot-doodoo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doot-doo doot-doodoo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doot-doo doot-doodoo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doodoot-doo-doo doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doot-doo doot-doodoo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doot-doo doot-doodoo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Please don't pork me.
Hey, if you insist, hot rod.
Listen, the Almighty Oraclehas come through.
We have confirmation that Death Nellis going to be down here at the Mayfair Hotel.
I've entered her room.
Mr. A's not hereat this precise moment, but her thingsmost certainly are.
Friends, I've got chills.
Fred, Beta, you guys- Wait.
It's April Fool's Day,isn't it?
It's 10 after midnight, officially April 2.
- Ha.
Yes, Roderick.
We have quite a welcoming party planned for the nasty minx.
Oh.
Oh, this is-this is amazing.
You don't knowwhat it's been like.
And I have found the loophole of all loopholes.
It's not blow jobs, and it's not hand jobs.
It's exes.
It's ex,as in ex-girlfriends, all right?
I want-just-listen.
Check the names on the list.
Do any names appear twice?
Any doubles?
All right, no.
Then don't tell me...
that you've never hooked upwith some ex-girlfriend for a little, uh, you know,"remember when" sex.
No, you're right.
I had sex with Laura Baxter every time I camehome for Christmas.
And she's only listed once.
And whenever I travelthrough St.
Louis, I always stop in on Diana Scott.
We're going to get yousome reelection sex, all right?
I'm talking aboutGrover Cleveland poontang.
Go back to Hope, number 80.
What you had was real.
She'll take you back.
Yes.
There's Hope.
I've had so many wonderful,fascinating women in my life.
I've never really beenworthy of any of them.
Uhh!
Don't listen to Beta.
Do not listen to him.
He hates bonersand fun, all right?
What you have to do is you gotto find that school bus, and you got to hook upwith those little Bible brats numbers 81 through 99, and maybe give 84 a passwith the back zits.
And you just get-get-- Sir?
Yes.
It's right there.
Get one of them to changeher name to Gillian de Raisx.
And you perfect- Stop it.
The theorieson the table are adorable.
But Roderick, be cool.
Gillian will beat the hotel any minute, and our organization- well, we don't believein trials and arrests.
So I want you to hang tight, and do not, I repeat, do not leave your house.
Okay.
Call you when she's dead.
All right.
I'll be here.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Ohh...
Did you really thinkI was gonna get off easy?
Did you want me to?
I know I promised youa satisfying ending, but there will beno triumphant return to Fiona, Hope,or anybody else.
There will be no chasing a cab, no stopping a wedding, no tearful reconciliationson a train platform, and no morning flightsto Australia.
To escape the sins ofmy April 2nd to April 2nd saga would feel so, so wrong.
Yes, my true destiny was staying in a hotel downtown.
I was going out witha lady called Death.
No God or Machinecould help me now.
And that felt so, so right.
You live by the sword,you die by the sword.
One sexual position left.
Call it the karma sutra.
The end is coming.
And coming is the end.
We've checked allthe sectors, Fred.
Okay, you know what?
My name is not Fred.
It's Commander Delta.
It-just go.
In.
- Move.
Excuse me.
Miss Death?
Nell?
Or do you prefer Gillian?
I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Death Nell's aliveand inside us.
Look at him!
He's so scared!
Aww!
Oh, where you going?
Come back, ladies' man!
Whew...
Well, you causedquite a commotion out there.
Is there somethingyou wanted to tell me?
Tell you?
No.
I, uh- Oh.
Hi.
Agents.
There's agents staked outat your hotel.
In your room.
Thanks.
You know I'm not innocent, right?
Yeah.
Can I-Can I join...
Wow.
This, uh, place is amazing.
You know, I'm kind ofin the business.
I've never heard of it.
Yeah, I just discovered itthe other night.
There are not a lot of placesin this town that stay open late.
Yeah.
Do-You know, I-- I-Well- Sorry.
You go.
- No, you go.
You know, this is-this is strange for me.
I've never hada volunteer before.
Some guys will doanything to get laid.
Uh-oh.
This has a...
a grape aftertaste.
And you do realize that I can't guarantee when or- or even if you'll wake up.
Yeah.
No, I understand.
You mind if I ask you- you tell meif this is too personal, but, uh...how did you get here?
You know, in the larger sense?
It's not like I'm gonnabe telling anyone for an indefinitelylong period of time.
I don't know.
I don't- I'm not gonna talkabout my childhood.
You know?
'Cause that's not what- My childhood wasn't any betteror worse than anyone else- Oh, well, okay.
It was a little worse.
But, uh-but I escaped.
That's where I studiedpoetry and chemistry.
Obviously betterat the latter than the former.
No, I wouldn't say that.
I really enjoy your writing.
You're right,these spices do look amazing.
I mean, I've only read the stuffthat gets printed in the paper, after each incident.
But what was it you spray-paintedafter Number Seven?
"My ecstasy, your annihilation." "Our mess, nothing left to transgress." That's good.
But where was I?
Oh!
Yes, of course.
Before I could graduate,I was swept off my feet.
My husband was this, uh- everything a girl'ssupposed to want, right?
You know.
I was his-his princess.
He was my Prince Charming.
Can I try some of your kale?
Trade you for that cherry tomato.
- All right.
You don't have to go onif you don't want to.
No...
It actually feels goodto say the bad out loud.
But when I saidI was his princess, I wasn't being metaphorical.
Every week, a new princess costumeand a new wig.
"This way, I won't cheat," was the charming way he put it.
At first, it was... fun?
But then it wasn't.
It got rough, and I- Did he hit you?
Aw...
You know, I've putover 20 men into a coma.
When you're handing outthat kind of punishment- The short answer is yes.
Yeah, he hit me.
And pretty muchevery other verb you could come up with.
But nothing above the neck.
The Princess and the Pirate.
The Princess and the Viking.
The Princess andthe Mongol w*rlord.
Occasionally, he'd mix it up and we'd do The Sound of Music, as if the Nazis won.
You know,it couldn't be a crime.
He was my husband.
I did not complain.
I did not ask questions.
Although, why anyonewould want to treat Julie Andrewsas a human ashtray...
As far as questions go,that's a pretty good one.
It did improve my poetry, though.
It gave me a lot of goodmaterial to work with.
God, you're a good listener, man.
You really are.
Oh, God-oh.
Then came Valentine's Day.
Oh, that was on a good one.
My hopeless situation,my inability to change.
But all in iambicpentameter, of course.
And then...
F- I should havebeen happy, right?
They tried everything.
They couldn't wake me up.
They thought I was in a coma.
And that's whenI had the vision.
I had become my ownPrince Charming.
But there was much workto be done in my kingdom.
Battles to be fought, wars to be won.
You can pretty muchconnect the dots from there.
Costumes, chemistry, poetry, mutually degrading sexuality, comas, "men suck." I don't know how much longerI can keep running around like this.
It's not like I can't afford it.
I mean, my husbandwas Victor Rose IV.
Victor R-wow.
Small world.
I kind of had a one-night standwith his grandma.
Granny C?
My story's notas compelling as yours, but, uh, exactly a year ago, I received a list of everyoneI'd ever had sex with and ever would have sex with.
I find that very compelling.
I- I think we shouldorder dessert.
Raspberry tart?
Two forks?
You think I'm lying?
You think I'm insane.
- No!
No.
I- And believe me,I am an expert on both.
But Bambi and Thumper.
Seriously.
The Beyond-UltimateLesbian Power Couple.
Yes.
What a night.
Ohhh, f*ck.
f*ck.
You know, uh- I'd like to think that I- I put somethinginteresting out there into the atmosphere.
You know?
Just the whole idea of a...
a woman being ableto put a man down like a dog for being bad, or...
for no reason at all.
I mean, well...
well, women havehad to deal with the anytime, anywheredark impulses of men forever, so...
God, I thought...
it was time to make the men shake in their bootsfor a while, you know?
I guess...
that's how I-I rationalized it.
I- I am gone- No, that's okay.
We're all gone.
You know, it's- So many games, names.
Who did you love?
And who did you really love?
Did you break their heart?
Or did they break yours?
Or- You know there's somereal bliss in there somewhere.
And all you're left with is...
exhaustion.
I always liked that word.
Oh, and "depleted," "dissipated," and "spent." Those are good ones.
But "exhaustion..." sounds like what it is.
And what better cure than sleep?
Lots of sleep.
I'll get this.
I insist.
Roderick.
Do you mind?
What, do you want meto take two, in case the first onedoesn't do the trick?
No!
I was just thinking,since we're together...
while I'm putting onein your mouth, you could...
put one...
Oh.
You-You sure about this?
Yeah.
You know, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm a little flattered.
You should be.
Go back to my room?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that room.
A different room.
Yeah.
So that's it.
The end of my story.
Well, one of my stories.
Mommy!
Daddy!
I found a totato for the picnic!
A totato!
- Totat- Boy, you really arethe farmer in the family.
That's-- Let's see that.
I think I know whatwe're having for the picnic!
Make some totato soup!
Buddy, what do you think?
That sound good?
The story of how I settled down, how I met my wife.
Of how I learned that sometimes, what seem to be answersare really questions in disguise.
The Machine's listtaught me the who, the what, the where,and the when is never as important as the why.
And the why's not allthat important, either.
♪ I want to unmake every bed ♪ ♪ That I laid down on ♪ ♪ Give back everything I've won ♪ ♪ Good days ♪ ♪ There'll be ♪ ♪ Bad days ♪ ♪ I want to unread every book ♪ ♪ That my eyes laid on ♪ If it really is all a game, sometimes the bestthing you can do is press the reset button.
♪ I want to unsing every song ♪ ♪ Unwrite every line ♪ For the first time in my life, I am.
I dare not add an adjective- mature, content, happy.
"I am" is good enough for now.
Life is a lot like death.
It happens to everyone,whether they like it or not.
The meaning of it all?
Honestly?
Who gives a f*ck?
♪ I want to unsew every seam ♪ ♪ Unwind every clock ♪ ♪ Unbreathe everybreath I've made ♪ ♪ I want to unset every sun ♪ ♪ That my eyes fell on ♪ ♪ Till I give back all I've won ♪ ♪ Good days ♪ ♪ There'll be ♪ ♪ Bad days ♪ ♪ Good days ♪ ♪ There'll be ♪ ♪ Bad days ♪ ♪ Good days ♪ ♪ There'll be ♪ ♪ Bad days ♪ ♪ Good days ♪ ♪ There'll be ♪ ♪ Bad days ♪
Sex and Death 101 (2007)
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