[theme music]
♪ What ever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusing me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ There ain't a bird who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart there's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' ♪
♪ To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
So, Kimmy, you want to stay for dinner?
Maybe. What are you havin'?
Uh, Joey's cooking, so I'm not really sure.
It's something in an earth tone.
Pass. But if my dog Sinbad is hungry I'll send him over.
Don't do that. I love Sinbad.
Stephanie, why are you following us?
Because you keep leaving me.
Steph, I know you're only five and you have no life of your own but Kimmy and I are talking woman‐to‐woman.
I'm a woman.
I'm a little woman, but I'm a woman.
Steph, when Kimmy leaves, you and I can have a nice sister‐to‐sister talk.
Unless I get a phone call.
You're so good to me.
[squealing]
Did you guys hear that noise?
It sounded like a monster.
Steph, you're always making up monster noises.
There's nothing to worry about.
Although, you do look like that kid in "Poltergeist" who got sucked up in the TV and said, "They're ba‐a‐ck."
Real funny.
[imitating Japanese]
Ooh, you gonna love this, Michelle.
[gibberish]
Hi.
‐ Hai! ‐ Hai!
Hai!
How you doin'?
How you doin'?
[both growling]
Hey, Michelle.
Hey, Jesse, some woman named Brianna called.
She said she'll meet you at 8 o'clock.
Who's Brianna?
Well, I terminated her termites, and, uh.. she wanted to thank me, so we came up with a few ideas if you will.
'You went out wearing a cockroach on your back' and you came back with a date?
Look, Joey, don't beat around the bush, if you want to borrow my jumpsuit, just say so.
Uncle Jesse, something horrible is in the house.
You're telling me.
Hey, Jess, grab Michelle, help me set the table, would you?
Alright. Okay. Come on, Michelle.
Great news. I've got great news.
Thank goodness you're home!
I missed you, too, honey.
Did you miss all of me or just my leg?
Stephanie thinks she heard a monster in the garage.
But if you ask me, it's just a desperate plea for attention.
DJ, stop watching "Oprah" and start doing your homework.
So...now you're hearing a garage monster instead of just that closet monster.
Which by the way, honey, we never really found.
Maybe because..
...the closet monster moved into the garage.
Uh...just to catch everybody up, uh..
I walked in here saying
"Hey, great news, great news."
Oh, I got great news.
I met a girl today.
That's not news, that's sports.
Let's give dad a break.
So what's your great news, great news?
Okay. Thank you.
As you all know all the TV stations in this city are fighting each other tooth and nail for better ratings.
Congratulations, daddy.
Steph, honey, that's not the great news.
Anyway, my station is putting together a special promo kind of, like a little commercial.
About each of its newscasters.
Now here comes the great news, Steph.
They've picked your father to be first.
Oh, great. Yeah.
‐ Good. ‐ Alright.
I feel the energy.
Oh, by the way, uh..
...you're all going to be on TV with me.
[all cheering]
Oh, I knew you'd be happy for me.
So they're coming to the house tomorrow to film our whole family.
‐ Alright. I like that. ‐ Yeah!
Alright, everybody chow down.
Should we send out for pizza or Chinese?
(all) Pizza.
It is pizza.
[squealing]
They're ba‐a‐ck.
Steph, did you make that noise?
Why would I make a noise that's scaring me to death?
Can I sleep with you in your bed?
Alright. Come on over.
Does this mean you believe me about the monster?
I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying get over here!
What if he's under the bed waiting to eat my feet?
Reel me in, DJ.
Faster! Faster!
Faster!
Bless you.
You forgot to turn out the light.
[squealing]
Forget the light. Run for your life!
‐ Monster! Monster! ‐ Help! Help!
Mon..
...ster.
What's going on?
We got the monster trapped in our room.
Go get it, Uncle Jesse.
You're a creepy‐crawler k*ller.
I'm a pest control specialist, thank you.
Pardon me.
Go k*ll it!
Jesse, humor them.
Unless there is something creeping and crawling in there in which case..
...go k*ll it.
You know, in every movie the hero is always a soldier or a cop, a private eye.
Never once, never once have they made a movie about the real American hero.
The exterminator.
(together) Pest‐control specialist.
Coming soon to a theater near you.
Daddy, can I sleep with you in your bed tonight?
Oh, honey, you don't want to sleep in my bed, do you?
I guess not.
Your Uncle Jesse says your room is monster‐free so I'm only staying here until you two fall asleep.
Okay, dad.
Alright, daddy.
And you two really need your sleep because tomorrow a nice lady is coming here and she's gonna make a little movie about our family.
And, girls, there are no such things as monsters.
The closest thing, in real life..
...are linebackers.
But they're much bigger than monsters.
And they make a lot more money.
Get it, girls? More money?
Girls?
Goodnight.
Okay.
Oh..
The joys of fatherhood.
‐ Come on. ‐ Okay, Michelle.
This is your big TV debut.
Let's give you that Marilyn Monroe look.
‐ Kind of‐‐ ‐ Yeah.
Bangs sweeping to the left.
Kinda, the curls framing the face, huh?
(Jesse) 'Yeah, she's got the look to pull it off' but I think it'd be a crime to cover that pretty little face.
See, I say, we pull it back give her a more sophisticated kind of look.
More the Madonna, Brigitte Nielson kind of thing.
Like this, see? Look.
That's Jack Nicholson.
Why don't we give her kind of a, uh..
...Pebbles Flintstone kind of a, uh, a fun do?
That's Don King.
Maybe just a bow.
Bow. Good idea.
Simple, yet it screams style.
‐ I'll hold it up like this. ‐ Okay.
‐ Finger. ‐ Okay, tie it first.
There we go.
‐ Alright, good. ‐ There you go. Finger.
Alright, now, should we get her Reeboks or her little Glens? Which one?
‐ Ah, one of each. ‐ Okay.
Got that.
‐ You didn't just.. ‐ Yeah, I think I did.
‐ That's what I thought. ‐ Yeah.
Baby yo‐yo!
‐ Take it off. ‐ Alright.
[squealing]
You hear that noise?
You know, the girls were right. It's the monster.
Shh. It's not a monster.
Now, I have to hear where it's coming from. Be quiet.
[squealing]
Ah‐ha!
North American silver‐footed ferret.
Adult male, two and a half pounds.
I'd say from the echo he's heading towards the garage.
How can you possibly know this?
It's a gift.
Alright, come on out, pal.
This is your last warning.
Get out now or be another notch on my spray g*n.
Ha ha ha!
Michelle, I'm sorry you had to see that.
But this hair‐do, now this, it's beautiful.
It is you.
'Look‐it, huh?'
Isn't that, oh, just lovely. Look at that.
Yes.
Okay, now, that'll be $84.
Alright, how about just a kiss? Come on.
Aww. Ha ha.
[doorbell rings]
Uncle Jesse, that could be the TV lady.
‐ Do we look okay? ‐ You guys look beautiful.
I'm hot on the trail of your monster.
Nail him, Uncle Jesse!
[doorbell rings]
Hi. Are you the lady who's gonna putting us on TV?
Yes, I am.
Because you are so adorable.
Let me see you smile.
Wonderful!
Let me see if you can find a place for my coat.
Adorable! And you take direction, too.
My name's Ronnie. That's short for Veronica.
I'm DJ. That's short for Donna Jo.
I'm Stephanie.
I'm just short.
Girls..
Do you know where your daddy is?
Daddy has been delayed in editing because the satellite downlink malfunctioned due to freakish barometric conditions.
Ronnie feels like such a dodo‐head.
So...this is your home.
The colors are workable.
Nice angles.
Yes, I'm seeing some sh*ts.
‐ What are we doing? ‐ We thought you knew.
Alright, pal. Come on out.
Just you and me.
Man versus ferret.
Come on.
Who are you trying to catch? Phil Niekro?
Joseph, I have to improvise.
I left my tools in the car.
Listen, in order to catch a ferret you must...become one with the ferret.
Oh, sure. Like this?
Joey, when you were a kid did you fall out of a tree house?
Yeah.
There he is. There he is.
Look out! I got him!
I got him. Alright.
What are you gonna do to him?
Think of it this way. I'm moving Senor Ferret one step up into his spiritual enlightenment.
What's the next step up for a ferret?
Somewhere between rat and lawyer.
Give me the net.
Well, if you were going after a lawyer I'd be right behind you, but we're talking about one of God's innocent little creatures.
Go. Run, ferret! Come on, get out of here!
Go, go, go!
♪ Born free ♪
♪ As free as the wind ♪ There he goes. I got him.
I got him. Darn.
Ran through the crack, up around the wall right into the crawlspace.
Slick. Slick move, Senor Ferret.
Very good.
It's been a long time since I've been challenged.
Come out with your paws up.
‐ 'Okay.' ‐ Zig to the right.
Zag to the left.
Go, ferret, go! Go, ferret, go!
(Jesse) 'Gone, ferret, gone.'
'Damn, he lives.'
[humming victory song]
(Jesse) 'Joey, give me the ladder.'
I'm not putting the ladder back until we have a talk.
Talk?
You've to promise me that if you capture the ferret that you'll let him go in a safe and pleasant environment.
Okay, fine. I'll capture him.
I'll buy him a little ferret condo.
Fix him up with a hot little mink and send him to Club Med for the winter.
Okay. Now let's talk about major medical.
Help me down here. Come on.
‐ Come on. ‐ I got you.
(Jesse) 'Good.'
‐ Hello. ‐ Hello.
These guys help take care of us.
This is Danny Tanner's family?
‐ I'm Jesse. ‐ I'm Joey.
I'm in trouble.
People, people, we're almost ready.
Hi. Uh, I'm Danny Tanner.
You must be Ronnie Gardner. I've been looking forward..
Great, you're here. Let's go.
..to meeting you.
Oh, that's the last of it.
Joey, where are you going with Jupiter?
Ronnie suggested that I move out.
‐ Why would Ronnie suggest that? ‐ No, no, Danny.
It's okay. It's no problem.
A successful comedian, like myself doesn't need exposure on TV.
Working in parks and train stations is my rocket to stardom.
Ronnie, don't you think Joey's important?
Important?
Why, he's essential.
He is going to be...holding the cue cards.
Thank you, Joey.
Oh, no, thank you, Ronnie.
You've given my life new meaning.
You know, Danny, so many sportscasters are your typical macho, two‐fisted iron‐pumping ex‐jocks.
Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.
Well, Danny Tanner I am gonna set you apart from the crowd.
I'm gonna sell your family with class, style, sophistication.
That's me, too.
‐ There are so many me's. ‐ Great.
We're just gonna do this one rehearsal.
If you have any problems..
Well, you won't.
Outside. Don't come back in until I say action.
Okay, everybody over here. Come on, let's go.
Come on. Alright, ready? You back here. And..
'...action!'
Ciao, family.
Ciao, family?
Si, si. Continue.
Okay. This is the Italian me.
‐ Ciao, familia. ‐ Sofa! Over to the sofa!
Okay, everybody around. Yeah.
Good. Here we go. Uh‐huh. Sit.
Cue Da Vinci.
Da Vinci?
Why is there a four‐legged marshmallow on my lap?
Danny, this is no frou‐frou poodle.
This is a man's poodle.
This is a poodle on steroids.
[dog barking]
Cue the girls. Girls, girls, girls.
Da Vinci's a wrap.
[dog barking]
Um, good day, Donna Jo.
And good day to you, too, little Stephanie.
Oh, father, how excellent to see you.
We missed you, papa.
I'm confused. Are we French or Italian?
Or Roquefort?
Girls, sit. Cue housekeeper.
[British accent] Hi‐ho. Teatime at the Tanner's.
Now we're English?
No, no, no, you silly bloke.
I'm the English one, you twit.
Thank you so much, Mr. French.
You're welcome, Uncle Bill.
Excuse me.
Buffy. Jody.
Now you know why I didn't fight too hard to stay in this thing?
What does any of this have to do with our family?
Uh, people, people. Focus, focus.
Crew, over by the door. Come on, let's go.
And you, right here. Good.
And cue the baby Michelle.
Oh, baby Michelle.
Come to daddy, honey.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, honey.
Oh, she's so cute. She's so adorable.
Who is she?
She's your adopted daughter.
We thought it'd be great for your image.
Honey, is your mommy or daddy nearby?
In the kitchen.
In the kitchen. Okay.
You go, you go in there and see them.
Aw, she's so cute.
Almost as cute as my little baby.
Where is my baby?
Well, I wanted to go for the adopted daughter.
Actually, Michelle just wasn't quite right for the part.
You're saying my daughter wasn't right for the part of my daughter?
I auditioned for the part and I came that close.
I don't believe this.
How could you guys let yourselves get talked into this?
Well, we knew how important it was to you and...well, we played along.
Just in case you actually went for this crazy cartoon.
I don't think you understand.
Television news is a very competitive market.
You've got to do something different.
You've got to make a noise.
You've got to make a splash.
I think you splashed down from another planet.
Wait.
I'm getting a vision.
I'm seeing a loving family.
I'm seeing...friends who will do anything to help each other.
You know what I'm seeing?
I'm seeing my children playing the part of my children.
Nice. Sweet.
Not insane.
It's been done.
Yeah, but not by us.
Hey, I'm proud of who we are.
And unless you want to show people the real Tanner family I'm just gonna have to direct this thing myself.
Oh, if you're gonna direct, then what am I gonna do?
Oh, it's quite simple, Ronnie.
You will hold the cue cards.
Alright, quiet, everybody. It's on, it's on.
‐ Alright, watch this. ‐ Okay.
Hello.
I'm Danny Tanner.
I do the sports for Channel 8 Newsbeat.
Every day at 4, 6 and 10 you're kind enough to invite me into your home and make me a part of your family.
Well, I'd like to introduce you to my family.
Follow me. Like you have a choice.
[laughs]
Come on. Don't be afraid.
Meet my stairs.
My loafers, my socks, my slacks.
Right this way.
Oh, there you are. Golly.
Hi, girls. Daddy's home.
‐ Hi, dad! ‐ Hi, dad!
This happens every night. I swear.
This is my daughter DJ.
And this is Stephanie.
Look, girls, dad brought home a camera crew.
We know, dad.
Yeah, dad. You came up here five minutes ago and told us.
Honesty.
I teach my girls honesty.
Watch my dad do the sports weeknights on Channel 8.
At 4, 6 and 10.
‐ Don't miss him. ‐ Don't miss him.
Marketing.
I also teach them marketing.
This way, this way.
Boy, you move fast.
This is my other little girl, Michelle.
Not this one, this one.
‐ Is she ready? ‐ Is she ready?
Are you ready, Michelle?
You ready? Huh?
Okay. Let's do the La Bamba thing for the berry, alright?
‐ Ready? ‐ Wah wah wah.
♪ La Bamba ♪
These guys are also part of my family.
You see, I'm a single parent and they help me take care of my kids.
This is my brother‐in‐law, Jesse.
'He has a rock band called Jesse Cochran and The Rippers.'
Hi, mom.
And this is my good friend, Joey Gladstone.
Joey's a stand‐up comic.
And, of course, I'm much funnier than I am right now.
[Michelle gurgling]
Yes, Michelle, say, "Hi, San Francisco."
(Joey) Hi, San Francisco. Please watch my daddy.
He needs the work. I outgrow my clothes every four months.
Honesty, marketing, and begging for ratings.
Welcome to my world. This is..
(all) Danny Tanner, Channel 8, Action Sports.
Dad, can I have a raise in allowance?
You'd like to see that, wouldn't you, folks?
Kids. God love 'em.
Write letters!
Alright!
To be perfectly honest, it needed a poodle.
You guys were great.
Does that mean I get the raise in allowance?
Let's wait and see how many letters we get.
I bet you we get 18 tomorrow.
‐ Stephanie! ‐ Oops.
Okay, everybody who wants a sugar rush into the kitchen for ice‐cream sundaes.
[cheering]
‐ Make a nice banana split. ‐ Yeah.
‐ Relax. ‐ You betcha.
[squealing]
Ah‐ha! Senor Ferret returns.
He's making you look real bad.
This time he is mine.
Come here, buddy. Come here.
Hey, remember our deal. A condo, a mink, and Club Med.
Ah‐ha, got him!
[squealing]
Just as I suspected.
A North American silver‐footed ferret.
Two and a half pounds. Adult male.
Joey, he's a pest and he's a varmint.
And the only way to dispose of this menace is..
I'm gonna take him to Big Sur and let him go free.
Ah, you big lug, your heart's as big as your hair.
Alright, let's take him to the kitchen.
Show the girls there's no monsters, alright?
♪ Born free ♪
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
[theme music]