[theme song]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get delivered here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Do be do ba ba dow ♪
[instrumental music]
Let's go, mom, your bags are in the cab the meter's running.
[sighs] The baby's sleeping like a baby.
‐ Oh, my angels! ‐ Oh, grandma!
I'm going to miss you.
‐ Honey, grandma's gotta go. ‐ So am I, little sweetheart.
‐ Grandma's really gotta go. ‐ I'm just gonna miss you so.
Oh, boy, does grandma gotta go.
Oh, you know, Danny, Danny I don't have to go back home.
‐ Yay! ‐ Yay!
Uh, mom, this isn't how we rehearsed this last night.
Uh...let's take a little walk, okay?
Now, you know as well as I do that..
Mom, look..
...it's time to go home.
You've been taking care of us ever since Pamela died.
Uh, I don't know how we would have made it through the past three months without you.
‐ Mm. Oh. ‐ But dad needs you, too.
You remember dad, don't ya?
‐ Your husband. ‐ Ha ha.
Kinda balding and glasses and wears his boxer shorts up around his neck.
[laughs]
Mom, I've got everything under control.
Help is moving in today.
Well, if you need me, I'm on the next plane.
‐ Ah, thank you, mom. ‐ Oh.
Mm.
Okay.
‐ 'Bye, grandma.' ‐ 'Bye, mom.'
‐ Bye. ‐ 'Bye.'
‐ Oh, my angels. ‐ Oh, grandma, don't leave.
‐ I love you. ‐ Oh, come on.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
‐ Goodbye, grandma. ‐ Ha ha ha.
‐ Bye. ‐ See you, grandma.
‐ Bye. ‐ Bye.
Okay. Are we going to have fun or what?
H‐h‐hey, let's see some smiles.
Everything's going to work out super great.
Your Uncle Jesse's movin' in.
My best friend Joey's moving in.
And you know what, that means that you two are gonna to get to be roommates.
Isn't that exciting?
I can wear all D. J.'s clothes.
Do I have to share my room with her?
Honey, it's gonna be just like having a slumber party.
Yeah, with only one guest..
...who never leaves.
Hey, hey, look alive! Uncle Jesse's here.
‐ Hey! ‐ Uncle Jesse!
Alright! Hello! D. J., how are you doing?
‐ That tooth come in yet? ‐ Nah.
It's okay, one less to brush.
‐ Hey, Jesse. ‐ Hello!
You missed breakfast. Where you been?
Man, I'm sorry, last night after my gig at the Smash Club I go for a cruise on my Harley, right?
Next thing I know, I'm in Reno.
It was dark. Who would've known?
Then I happened to wander into this show, "Razzle Dazzle '87."
Much better than "Razzle Dazzle '86", by the way.
And I see this incredible show girl Vanessa, right?
Our eyes meet.
Ba‐boom, this lightning bolt of passion sh**t across the casino.
Turns out Vanessa's on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob Hope special and is dying for one last night of good old American‐‐ Food, food, she was she was hungry, right?
Oh, yeah, she was starvin'.
Only, we never got a chance to, uh eat because she had to turn her feathers in.
Uncle Jesse, let's play ballerina.
Uncle Jesse doesn't want to play ballerina.
Yes, he does.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
How do you play ballerina?
Dance!
Okay, that was fun.
Here's more fun. Catch me!
‐ Pose! ‐ Pose! Okay.
‐ Turn around. ‐ Uh.
‐ On your tippy toes. ‐ Tippy toes. Right.
You need practice.
We'll do this every day.
[imitating trumpet fanfare]
Hi, Joey.
Hi, g*ng.
Ah, Joey, buddy, this is the best, your movin' in.
Thanks, Danny.
This works out so perfect.
I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes.
Jesse...long time no see, now, be honest.
Did you ever think we'd end up bein' roommates?
‐ Not once. ‐ Ha ha ha.
I love this guy.
Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Joey, this is not a tiny room.
This is a large alcove.
In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free.
You know, now that I take a close look at it it's enormous.
[echoes] Enormous, 'normous.
[chuckles] We are gonna to have so much fun.
Aren't we, kids?
[imitates Popeye's laugh]
[imitates spaceship]
Think we could catch grandma at the airport?
[instrumental music]
Nice, huh?
Roomy.
Not overly masculine.
Oh, golly, it's swell.
You know what would look great over here by the window?
Barbie's dream house.
We've got one.
Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here really means a lot to me.
Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the girls.
You know, they're so happy you're here.
Oh! God bless you.
You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
I'm sorry. I‐I'm an emotional guy.
It's alright.
Okay, let's face it.
I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.
Okay...Danny..
...listen, um..
Pam was my big sister and I loved her very much and I love your kids and I'm happy to do what I can.
‐ Oh. ‐ Now, you're hugging me again!
Now, listen, you and me, we'll sit down we'll set aside a special time for hugging.
But not now.
Oh, great. I live in Webster's room.
Rule number one. Never touch my stuff.
You should be taking notes.
Rule number two.
Never set foot on my half of the room.
How do I get out of here?
Easy, you jump out the window and climb down the tree.
I don't think so.
Suit yourself.
I'll find a way out.
Oh!
Huh, huh.
'Huh.'
[grunts]
Oh! Oh!
Stephanie, what are you doing?
Just hanging around.
Come on, honey, get down from there.
Alright! Limbo!
Dika‐laka‐puka!
Dika‐laka‐puka!
Dika‐laka‐puka! Rrr!
No way.
This is a nightmare.
Uh, D. J., honey, I told you.
Everything is gonna work out super great.
I'm sorry. I've got to get down to the station.
Try to watch my sports report this afternoon.
Today starts my special 2‐part series entitled
"Boxers, highly skilled athletes or bullies in shorts?"
Can I have a piggyback ride?
Sure, honey.
Hop on!
‐ Mm. ‐ Alright.
Now, the baby's schedule is on the refrigerator.
You guys can handle this, can't you?
‐ Sure! ‐ We'll take care of the kid.
Told you I'd find a way out.
[instrumental music]
[Michelle crying]
[high‐pitch] Oh, Michelle, little baby‐waby.
'What's the matter?'
Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna to do?
First, we stop talking like a munchkin.
[Michelle crying]
Hey, shut up!
Wait. I'll handle this.
I'm a comic, it's my nonpaying job to cheer people up.
[imitating Kermit] Um...hi, Michelle. It's me, Kermit the frog.
Well, uh, you don't want to cry, do you?
[crying]
Uh, hi, it's me, Pee‐wee Herman.
Hah hah! Do you want to go to my playhouse? Hah hah!
[crying]
Wait. She'll love it.
I call it "The Sprinkler."
[crying]
Tough room.
Jesse, what if she needs to be, uh..
...changed?
Check it out. Go!
We have a winner.
Now what?
Joseph, put yourself in her place.
What would you want done?
(Joey) 'I've never changed a diaper.'
Me, neither. At least you touched one.
Alright, look out. I'll show you how it's done.
Come here, child.
‐ You believe this guy? ‐ Hmm.
Alright, make yourself useful.
‐ Uh! ‐ I'll take the south end.
Good.
Okay.
‐ Watch out. ‐ Okay.
(both) Step one, step two. Step one, step two.
Step one, step two. Step one, step two.
Okay, good, look out!
Okay, okay, okay, keep her coming.
Showtime!
‐ Where do we put the baby? ‐ Where do I put the child?
Uh...the pot! Over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Joey, this is a living thing.
You don't just stick in a pot.
‐ Use a meat rack. ‐ Meat rack.
I'm an idiot.
Uh, come on.
‐ Okay. ‐ Alright. Good.
‐ Alright, ‐ Let's set her down here.
(Jesse) 'There we go.'
Are you going to cook Michelle?
We're changing her diaper.
Oh. Then how do you roast a turkey?
Steph, Joey and I are busy.
Joey, strip her.
(Jesse) 'Alright, careful, there. You're in control.'
Alright, slide it off and..
‐ Ugh! ‐ Ugh!
Uh.
Uh.
Good thinking, Joey. Keep it fresh.
Okay, hold her up. I'll clean her off.
Good idea.
Come on, Michelle.
Alright.
You're missing, you're missing, you're missing.
Alright, come on, gently now, gently now, gently.
There we go.
This is great. We should be mothers.
Oh, yeah.
Alright, let's dry her off.
Okay, fan her.
‐ Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny. ‐ Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny.
You know, these babies have it made.
I would k*ll for this kind of service.
Alright, uh, diapers.
‐ Diapers. Diapers. ‐ Where are the diapers?
Diapers.
‐ Diapers. ‐ Diapers.
‐ Diapers. ‐ Diapers.
Diapers.. Hey, superabsorbent.
‐ Mm. ‐ Bring it over.
‐ Okay. ‐ Alright. Now what?
‐ Okay, spin her. ‐ Spin her?
‐ Spin her. Spin her. ‐ Spin her.
‐ I got her. ‐ Good.
Alright, now, so, we'll wrap her up in this, come on.
Put her right in here.
‐ It's too easy. ‐ Works for me.
And, hey, you spilled some juice on the counter?
Just wipe it up with baby tiny bottom!
Not bad. But next time try these.
Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers?
Nobody asked me.
[instrumental music]
Hey, guys, how did it go today wi..
Whoa!
(Danny) 'What happened?'
What's with all the dirty baby clothes?
[doorbell rings]
I'm sorry, but every time we fed her she'd drool or dribble or spit up.
Your baby's a pig.
Hi, Jesse.
Vanessa!
Have mercy.
I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob Hope.
Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in.
So is that offer to stay with you anytime still good?
Aw, aw, it's it's more than good.
It's, uh...amazing.
Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Ready for more ballerina?
Uh...we'll play it later, okay?
Okay, it's later.
‐ Catch me! ‐ Aah, ha, ha.
‐ Pose! ‐ Pose! Alright.
Listen, why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister?
I can't. She moved out.
Stephanie, honey, what do you mean she moved out?
She's gone.
She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
‐ Okay, everybody follow me. ‐ Come on.
[instrumental music]
You lost my daughter?
I went to work for seven hours and you lost 33% of my children?
Joey, call the police.
Jesse, start driving around the neighborhood.
I'm gonna call up D. J.'s friends.
And I'll go get D. J.
‐ Stephanie, honey. ‐ Yes, daddy?
Sweetheart, do you know where D. J. is?
Uh‐huh.
Why didn't you say something sooner?
Nobody asked me.
[instrumental music]
D.J., can I talk to you?
Kimmy, hang on.
I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler.
She called me on her own phone from her own room.
She has three sisters.
D.J., you don't want to live in the garage.
It's filthy, it's stuffy.
You want some fresh air?
[Danny sighs]
Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now, this instant.
Is that okay?
No, thank you, dad.
So, Kimmy, where were we?
Nice job, dad. Been reading Cosby's book?
Cosby. I'll handle this.
[imitating Cosby] Hello, there, small childlike person.
Mm‐ha ha ha!
If you move back into the house you can have a big, juicy bowl of Jell‐O.
Mm‐ha ha ha!
No, Kimmy. That's not really him.
I'll call you later.
Daddy, the baby's crying.
She's got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Okay, honey, I'll be right up.
Joey, would you mind warming up the bottle? Ahem.
Well, not at all.
Although with this particular baby it might be simpler just to pour the formula directly into the diaper.
Well, think about it.
Alright, D. J.'s all set and I got Vanessa's upstairs waiting so best of luck to both of you.
No, look, Jesse, look, I got to go check on the baby.
Won't you just stay with D. J.?
Talk to her, I'll be right back.
You're her uncle. Try to be parental or somethin'.
Parental? It's cool. I can be parental.
I got parents.
‐ Can I help you? ‐ Yes.
You can move your little bod back in the house.
Look, D. J.
I don't blame you for wanting your own room but you gotta understand this world is not a perfect place.
Bruce Willis has a record deal.
Yeah, but, then a Vanessa shows up at your door and it all evens out, you know what I'm sayin'?
‐ Yeah. ‐ Good. So you'll move back in?
‐ Nah. ‐ Nah. Hmph.
Hmph. Ha, ha. Alright.
(Jesse) 'I'll speak the language you understand.'
Five bucks if you move back in.
‐ Fifty. ‐ Ten.
Forty nine.
A buck?
You went down a buck?
Okay. It's back up to 50.
Alright.
My final offer.
Twenty bucks.
Twenty one.
Vanessa's waiting.
Alright, D. J.'s moving back in.
She is? That's fantastic! What did you do?
I have a very special way with kids.
Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa's not upstairs.
Where's Vanessa?
Well, uh..
She's history.
What the hell did you do with Vanessa?
I didn't do anything with her.
I just told her that with three little girls in the house I thought it would be better if she slept on the couch and she left.
You hate me, don't you?
‐ D. J.? ‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Vanessa's gone. The deal's off.
‐ I want my money back. ‐ What money?
The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
That's your special way with children you buy them off?
It works.
Kid, money.
Fine. I have other sources of income.
I'll go back to my new room and have a garage sale.
D.J., wait. D. J.!
Here. Take Michelle.
[inhales] Come with me, honey.
Don't even think about it.
D.J.
Honey, I can't let you have a garage sale.
What if I give you 10% of the profits?
D.J., come here.
Can't you just try sharing a room with your sister?
[sighs]
Your mom was always so good at this stuff.
I'd come home from work and everything was always perfect.
[sighs] D.J., how would mom have handled this?
She would've caught me before I moved into the garage.
Mom knew everything I did before I did it.
[melancholic music]
What is it, honey?
It's just not fair.
First I lose my mom.
Then grandma leaves.
Now I even lose my own room.
Everything keeps disappearing.
I know exactly how you feel.
And I know how much you girls miss your mother..
...because I miss her, too.
Very much.
But you still got me.
You got me, too.
You got Michelle..
...and you have your Uncle Jesse and Joey.
D.J., we're still a family.
And now is when we really need to stick together.
D.J., you and I we go back a long time.
Ten years.
The ten happiest years of my life.
So, look, it's up to you.
Either you move back inside or all five of us are moving into the garage.
But nothing is going to break up this team.
I'll move back in.
[chuckles] I love you, angel.
[laughs] You, too, little ballerina.
‐ Hmm. ‐ Ha ha ha.
Aw.
Hey, Michelle.
Michelle, can you say, Uncle Jesse?
‐ Ah‐ah! ‐ That's it!
You said it! You said Uncle Jesse!
Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
Good news, Uncle Jesse. Our deal's back on.
It's okay. I'll put it on your tab.
Alright.
Aw! Is this working out great or what?
These girls are crazy about you.
Oh, sure. I dance around and give them money.
[Michelle cooing]
Now what's the problem?
Oh, there's no problem. She's singing.
Michelle loves music.
Music? I'll handle this.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Flintstones, meet the Flintstones ♪
♪ They're a modern Stone Age family ♪ Everybody sing along.
♪ From the town of Bedrock ♪
♪ They're a page right out of history ♪
‐ Let's take a walk. ‐ Wow.
♪ Let's ride with ♪
♪ The family down the street ♪
♪ Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet ♪
♪ When you're with the Flintstones ♪ Take it down, guys.
♪ We'll have a yabba‐dabba do time ♪
♪ A dabba‐do time ♪
♪ We'll have a gay old time ♪ Wilma!
[laughing]
[theme music]
[theme music]