01x01 - The New Housekeeper

[bunniefuu]

Starring andy griffith...

With ronny howard.

Also starring don knotts.

Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, Speak now or forever hold your peace.

I now pronounce you man -- I know why they shouldn't be married.

Opie, what are you tryin' to do?

I'm speakin' now So's I won't have to forever hold my peace.

You ain't supposed to speak.

Then why did he ask?

Well, it's just part of the ceremony, opie.

You always say, "speak," but nobody ever does.

Well, I'm gonna.

Why did she have to marry him for, anyway?

Things was goin' real well.

Rose is the best housekeeper we ever had.

Taught me everything I know.

I'm marryin' mr.

Pine because I love him.

I thought you loved me.

I do, opie.

You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.

Don't you fret.

You're not losin' me forever.

I'll come back and visit a lot.

Be a good boy and take care of yourself, hear?

Don't you go runnin' across that street In your stocking feet.

And in the morning, eat all your cereal And don't leave half the milk.

Okay, I won't leave half the milk.

I'll leave all the milk.

Now, opie, that's enough.

Now, opie, I'm your pa, and I'm tellin' you to hush up.

Well, you told me I could speak now Or forever hold my peace.

Well, now I'm tellin' you if you don't hush up, You'll be forever holdin' the seat of your britches.

If he starts to wheezin' -- Now, rose, opie's not your problem anymore.

Well, you know.

I mean, aunt bee's a-comin' and he'll be took care of.

I know, but she isn't due here for several days.

Are you sure you don't want me to stay on?

Yeah!

What's this?

Nothin', wilbur.

Just nothin' at all.

Now, rose, you know you can't send wilbur Off on a honeymoon by himself.

Why, that would be like puttin' a pig in a sty And takin' away the mud.

Yeah.

Seems to me there's somethin' wrong With the way you put that.

Well, hurry up, andy.

We got a long trip ahead of us.

Well, now, just don't get too excited.

We didn't finish the "I do"s yet.

Oh, well, we do.

Get your ring all set.

Get ready, barney.

[ Clears throat ] Under, uh -- under the -- They ask you to speak up, Then they won't let you speak up.

Hush up, opie.

Under the power -- First they tell you to spea up, Then they tell you to hush up.

Now, opie.

Under the power -- Just 'cause I'm little, nobody cares about me.

Quiet!

Under the power invested in me As justice of the peace in mayberry, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Give her a little kissy.

That's right.

Get ready, now.

Get ready, get ready.

Get your handful.

Get you some, opie.

Ha ha!

Opie!

Not the box, just the contents.

And underhand.

Underhand.

That's right.

Hi, pa.

Didn't rose call or nothin'?

Well, no, and she ain't likely to call.

See, she's on her honeymoon.

And besides that, aunt bee will be comin' pretty soon.

That will be just like havin' rose here.

Will not.

It won't be anything like it.

Nobody's like rose.

Well, that's right, too, I reckon.

But then again, There ain't nobody like aunt bee, either.

What's so great about her?

What did she ever do?

Well, one thing, she raised me When I wasn't no bigger than you.

Done a pretty good job, too, wouldn't you say?

That doesn't mean that she'll raise me good.

Well, now, that's where you're wrong.

She'll raise you just fine.

And she'll love you just like she loved me.

And whoo-whee!

That's a mess of lovin'.

She used to squeeze me so hard I'd turn all colors.

That's right.

I was the most loved purple baby you ever saw.

I don't care.

I ain't gonna love her.

Now, opie, I want you to stop sayin' that.

Well, I won't.

I ain't gonna love no one 'sides rose.

Deputy barney fife reporting, sir, With an important message.

Barney, I've told you you don't have to do that.

This ain't the army.

It's just me and you.

Aw, shucks, andy.

I want to do good on this job.

Even if it's just deliverin' messages, I wanna do it right.

I know you do, and I admire your attitude.

You see, andy, I want the folks in this town To realize that you picked me To be your deputy because you -- Well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, And you judged their qualifications And their character and their ability, And you come to the fair, the just, And the honest conclusion That I was the best-suited for the job.

And I want to thank you, cousin andy.

You're welcome, cousin barney.

I'll attend to my duties as deputy sheriff And do all that's expected of me.

And if there's a message to be delivered, I'm gonna see to it that that message gets delivered.

That's just fine.

I want to get to be knowed around here As reliable barney fife.

Yes, sir.

Well, got to be gettin' back to work.

Uh, uh, barney.

Yeah, andy?

Wasn't there somethin' about a message?

A message?

Yeah.

I forgot about that.

Well, the message is that aunt bee called To say she's comin' in tomorrow.

Oh, that's fine, fine, fine, fine.

And thank you, reliable barney.

Yeah, well.

Well, look who's up early to greet aunt bee.

Pa, look what I done.

I set the table, I poured the milk, I got the eggs boilin'.

I'm makin' a whole breakfast.

Well, you sure are, and doin' a fine job, too.

Well, what's this here?

Your water's near about boiled away.

Oh, that happened once before.

I'd better fill 'er up again.

Well, about -- Stand back there.

How long you had them eggs in there?

Since I got up, about 45 minutes.

45 Minutes?

Think they're ready to serve?

Well, I wouldn't be surprised, no, I wouldn't, Especially if you're figuring on playing tennis.

Huh?

Oh, nothin', nothin' at all.

I happen to like 45-minute eggs.

Don't you?

Pa, don't this show you somethin'?

Don't it, don't it?

Well, show me what?

That we don't need aunt bee.

We can get along without her.

I can make breakfast every day.

So when she gets here, you just tell her To turn right around and go back where she came from.

We don't need her, okay, pa?

Well, no, it's not okay.

You see, your aunt bee, she's doing a mighty big thing By pulling up stakes And coming down here to live with us, And, why, she's -- [ Knock on door ] Oh, I expect that's her now.

Now, listen.

Listen.

I want you to be just as nice to aunt bee As you ever been to anybody in your whole life.

Now, you hear me?

All right.

Come on.

Andy!

Aunt bee, come in this house.

I declare, you look beautiful.

We're gonna have a time holdin' on to you.

Ohh.

You're so pretty I can't hardly look at you.

Oh, andy, you hush up.

Oh, opie, this is your aunt bee.

Opie.

My goodness!

You know, you're the spit and image Of your pa when he was your age.

Why, it will be just like raisin' you all over again.

Come give me a little sugar.

Go on, now.

Give her a little sugar.

Give her some good.

Mmm!

Can I go now, pa?

Well, go where?

Why, I was thinkin' about takin' a bath.

You mean to tell me You're gonna take a bath on a volunteer basis?

Don't you make fun of him, andy.

When your pa was your age, we used to have to Practically sandblast him to get him clean.

He lost four pounds with every bath.

Can i?

Can I go, pa?

Well, go ahead.

He's a nice boy, andy.

I expect we'll get along real well When we get to know each other.

Oh, well, sure you will.

Andy, I do want to thank you for having me here.

You know, all those younguns I raised -- They're all grown up now, and...

That's why when you called, I just got on my knees And I just thanked heaven I had a place to go and I had something to do.

Well, you got a place and sure got plenty to do.

There ain't no use to start right in, though.

Come on in here and freshen up, And we'll get a little bit of breakfast.

You want to?

You like real hard-boiled eggs?

Why, opie, you haven't even touched your fried chicken, And I made it special for you.

Ain't hungry.

Ain't hungry?

Well, remind me to check you when we get upstairs Just to see if you're the same boy That I've seen wolf down six or eight pieces Without even breathin' hard.

Rose made it different.

I'll get us some coffee, andy.

All right.

And to think I was glad when you learned to talk.

I'll, uh -- I'll help you, aunt bee.

Since you're not gonna eat anything, You might as well go on up to your room.

Yes, sir.

Say, opie, you know, a funny thing happened.

We come back to clear the table, And you know, that plate of yours And all the food on it had just disappeared?

Really?

Yeah, and I just...

Well, I'll be dogged.

There's your plate.

Right there.

Oh, yeah.

Well, how in the world do you reckon It got all the way up here to your room, And licked clean, to boot?

I think I got an explanation, pa.

You do?

Yeah.

I brought it up for my bird.

For dicky, there?

Well, do you, uh -- do you mean to tell me That he eats fried chicken and biscuits and honey?

He loves it.

He does?

See how he cleaned his plate?

You're sure you ain't got a buzzard in that cage?

I'm pretty sure.

Uh, dicky, if I was you, I wouldn't be doin' any flyin' tonight Because them biscuits can lay awful heavy.

Uh...

Say, opie, do you reckon that dicky would like To have a nice, big piece of watermelon for dessert?

Yeah!

God bless my pa and my bird, dicky, And my dog, gulliver, and my lizard, oscar, Wherever it is he ran away to, and barney fife And my white mouse and jerry and tommy and billy And my snake.

Amen.

I forgot somebody very important.

God bless rose, even though she ran off and got married.

Barney: all right!

Come on, now!

Come on, now.

Now, emma, I seen you do it.

I seen you do it, and don't think you're gonna Get away with that kind of stuff on my beat.

When you commit a crime in this town, you pay for it, And I'm the one that sees to it you pay for it Because that's my duty.

But, barney, I always cross maple In the middle of the block.

Emma, that's jaywalkin', And jaywalkin' is agin the law.

Now, emma, you just step right over here.

You got to be booked and fingerprinted.

Fingerprinted?!

Them's modern police methods, for heaven's sakes.

Now, give me your thumb there.

Barney, what are you doin'?

I'm bookin' a prisoner, sheriff.

Jaywalker.

Barney, you know we don't ever stop emma.

We figure if she can save a step or two here and there, She'll just be with us that much longer.

Now, you just go ahead on home, emma.

Oh, thank you, andy.

Naughty deputy!

Now, why'd you do that, andy?

You know she was guilty.

I seen her do it.

Now she's gonna go out and tell all her friends How she got away with it.

Next thing you know, people's gonna be Jaywalkin' all over the place and disregardin' "Keep off the grass" signs and everything.

Mayberry's just gonna turn into a regular sin town!

Hi, ope.

You wanna go down to the creek?

No, I got some thinkin' to do.

You got some kind of problem?

Pa, I got somethin' to ask you -- Somethin' important.

Yeah?

Well, go ahead.

Can I run away from home?

Uh...you want to run away from home?

Well, now, uh...

If that's what you got on your mind, You're goin' about it all wrong.

I am?

Oh, yeah.

You ain't supposed to ask your pa.

But you always said I should never go anyplace far Without gettin' your permission.

Well, yeah, I know I did say that, But see, runnin' away from home's a little special.

See, what you do in a case like that Is first you write a note Sayin' that you're runnin' away, and then you do it.

You mean to tell me that's all there is to it?

That's all.

But I don't know how to write.

That does make a problem.

I'll tell you what.

If you are really bound to run away, I'll write a note for you.

You will?

Yes, sir.

I'll do it.

Now, let's see.

When was it you wanted to leave?

Right away.

Today's wednesday.

And about how long was you figurin' on stayin'?

Why?

Never mind.

That stands to reason.

If you run away, you run away forever.

What do you mean?

Now, don't bother me.

I'm thinkin'.

Uh...

"Dear pa...

"I am runnin' away from home, And you will never see me again." Pa, what are you talkin' about?

Why won't I ever see you again?

Well, you've run away and I'm right here.

Now, how are we gonna see one another?

No!

Well...

What are you doin' that for?

I didn't finish the note yet.

I don't wanna run away.

I changed my mind.

Oh, well, I reckon a little boy gets the right To change his mind.

I don't wanna leave you, pa.

And I don't want you to leave, opie.

Is it, uh...is it aunt bee?

Opie, why can't you put rose out of your mind, Make room for aunt bee?

If you'll give her a chance, why, pretty soon, You'll love aunt bee as much as you ever loved rose.

Aw, pa.

She can't do anything like rose can.

She can't fish or hunt frogs Or play baseball with me like rose did.

Gosh.

Now, let me show you a little bit about baseball.

Oh, andy, I know a lot about baseball.

What do you think I am, a ninny?

Oh, well, good.

We'll be way ahead, then.

What's that?

Well, uh, that's a bat.

And with the bat, you hit the ball, you see.

All right?

Now, you just listen to me And do exactly what I tell you, And before you know it, you and opie will be closer Than two fleas in a dog's ear.

All right.

Now, you ready?

Uh...

Aunt bee.

I think you've got it wrong.

I believe -- I believe you hold it with the little end, see, And you hit with the big end.

Oh, that makes it easier.

Pa...

If she's such a great fisherman Like you been tellin' me, How come she fishes with her bait out of the water?

Oh!

Well, see, this is little-bitty stream fishin', And aunt bee, she's used to deep-sea fishin' For porpoises and flyin' fish and stuff like that.

Do you mean you fish for them With your bait out of the water?

Oh, sure.

You see, they come up and meet your pole halfway.

Yeah.

Right, aunt bee?

[ Laughs nervously ] yeah.

You just let her get the hang of it, And she'll be pullin' them fish in hand over fist.

Aunt bee, you got one!

Aunt bee, reel it in!

Reel it in!

Andy: yeah, reel him in, aunt bee!

[ Whimpering ] Why ain't she pullin' him in?

Well, uh, see, aunt bee is a sportsman, And she's tryin' to give that fish every chance.

[ Whimpering ] Uh, I believe you've give him enough chance, aunt bee.

Reel him in.

Oh!

Ahh!

Easy!

He's so big, you nearly lost your pole.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

What'd you do that for?

Well, it was too little, and she threw it back.

That's your aunt bee -- a sportsman all the way.

Wake up, opie.

We're home.

Get ready for bed.

Pa, dicky is gone!

He is?

Oh, opie, you left the cage open.

No, I didn't.

[ Voice breaking ] I never leave it open!

Oh, dear.

Opie, I cleaned out his cage for you this morning, And maybe I didn't shut...

The door...tight enough.

She did it!

Dicky's lost, and it's all her fault!

[ Crying ] Aunt bee: it's too early to wake him, andy.

I'll just peek in.

I wish you wouldn't leave, aunt bee.

Maybe if you'd give him a little more time.

No, andy, it's much better this way.

Not that I wouldn't give anything To do the things he likes to do -- Play baseball and fish and all, but...

He's a very smart little boy.

I couldn't fool him.

And you know, andy, He's going through a very, very hard time.

I think we'd better get going.

I'll help you.

Opie: pa!

Aunt bee!

Wait!

Opie, what are you doing out in your pajamas?

Don't go, aunt bee!

I don't want you to!

I want you to stay!

You do?

You mean it, opie?

Sure!

Well, what changed your mind?

Well, if she goes, what'll happen to her?

She doesn't know how to do anything -- Play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs.

She'll be helpless!

Yeah, I guess that's right.

A woman that don't know how to do Important things like that -- why, she'd just be lost.

So that's why she's gotta stay -- So I can teach them to her.

You need me!

Oh, opie, I do.

* You get a line and I'll get a pole, honey * * You get a line and I'll get a pole, babe * * You get a line, I'll get a pole * * We'll go down to the crawdad hole * * Honey, baby mine * Yonder come a man with a sack on his back, honey * Opie: pa!

Pa!

Pa!

Whoa, whoa, now, simmer down, now.

You're gonna bust something.

What is it?

Dicky!

He's come back!

Flew into the cage all by himself!

Oh, opie, isn't that wonderful!

Yes, sir, and I told you he would, too.

And I bet you that I know why.

I bet you that he got out there, Flying around with some of them wild birds, And he saw what kind of poor kind of eatin' they had.

You know, little berries and little seeds And little pieces of root, stuff like that.

And he says, "I'm going back there to opie, "Where I can get me some more of that good fried chicken And biscuits and honey and stuff like that." Don't you reckon?

I reckon.

I reckon so!

* Well, you get a line and I'll get a pole, honey * * Honey * You get a line and I'll get a pole, babe * * You get a line and I'll get a pole * * We'll go down to the crawdad hole * * Honey, baby mine *