Pillow Talk (1959)

[bunniefuu]

Brad. Brad, darling.

I love you.

I know.

I just had to call you.

I'll never forget last night.

Especially when you sang me your new song.

Our song, Eileen. I wrote it for you.

Oh, Brad.

Would you sing it to me again?

Oh, now?

Please.

All right.

You are my inspiration, Eileen A perfect combination, Eileen Your eyes, your hair, are beyond compare So is it any wonder?

You captured me and now I'm under your spell Eileen I do hate to interrupt, but would you mind hanging up, please?

Who's that?

The other half of my party line.

Just ignore her, she'll go away.

You have been on this phone for half an hour.

I've got an important call to make...

I happen to consider this an important call.

What, singing to a girl at 9:00 in the morning?

It's none of your business what he does to me, or when.

Would you please get off this line?

I know it is early, chérie.

But I just had to talk to you.

Will I see you tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry, Yvette. I have to work.

Oh.

I have six songs to write for the new show.

But you'll have to go out and eat dinner, no?

Oh, I'll throw something together here.

Oh, no, darling, you mustn't.

You must keep up your strength.

I'll come over and cook something for you, yes?

Well, if you like.

Thank you, darling.

It's nothing.

Brad?

Mmm-hmm?

Sing me a little of our song.

Yvette.

Please.

Would you please get off this phone?

Who is that woman?

Some little eavesdropper on my party line.

She's always listening in.

It's how she brightens up her drab, empty life.

If I could get a call through once in a while, my life wouldn't be so drab.

Must you zoom up so fast?

What are you, jet-propelled or something?

Morning, Alm.

The laundryman's coming by today.

And would you please tidy up the cupboards for me?

Oh, would you call the office and tell them I'll be a little bit late?

That's a peach of a hangover she's got this morning.

I'm afraid so.

Why does she have to go out and get stoned every night?

Oh, I don't know, Harry. Maybe she's got a party line.

I hope you understand, madam, that your phone company wants everyone to have a private phone.

We're putting in new trunk lines as fast as we can.

But with all the construction going on, it takes time.

We have hundreds of applications, which take precedence over yours.

But there must be some way to get one.

Well, if some emergency arose.

If you were to become pregnant, for example, why, you'd jump right to the top of our list.

Mr. Conrad, being single, I'm not quite ready for that kind of emergency.

Well, I wouldn't know what else to suggest.

Oh, but I'm at my wit's end, really.

You see, I'm an interior decorator and I do a lot of work at home, and so naturally there are business calls that I must make and I cannot get a call through.

That man is always on the phone with some woman.

Have you any idea what it's like to be on a party line with a sex maniac?

That's a very serious charge, madam.

Can you substantiate it?

Well, he sings love songs at 9:00 in the morning.

Has he used objectionable language on the phone?

No.

Or threats of any nature?

No.

Has he made immoral overtures to you?

Well. Oh, not to me.

And you're bothered by this?

Yes.

I mean, no. What do you mean, bothered?

His carrying on with all these other women disturbs you.

Mr. Conrad, please believe me, I don't care what he does, I just want him to stop doing it on my phone.

Well, madam, we'll have one of our inspectors stop by and have a talk with him.

Oh, thank you very much. I'd appreciate that.

If what you say about this man is true, we may be forced to disconnect him.

Good.

Haven't you reached Jan yet?

Keep trying.

If she doesn't get here soon, that woman is going to drive me out of my mind.

Ming dynasty in a rumpus room.

Mrs. Walters, be careful. This is priceless.

Really? What is it?

A 14th-century crematory urn.

Crematory urn?

Is anybody in it?

Not at the moment.

That's good.

Then we can drill a hole in the bottom without anyone running out.

A hole?

So we can wire it for a lamp.

Mrs. Walters, we do not wire 14th-century crematory urns.

I suppose not.

Jan.

Jan.

Hello, Jonathan.

Hi. I've got something to tell you.

Oh? I was trying to call you all morning, but your line's been busy. Oh, naturally.

I just drove her out of the showroom. How do you like it?

It's marvelous. Like the color?

Oh, it's just beautiful. The upholstery?

It's yours.

Huh?

In grateful appreciation of the very brilliant job you've been doing on my office.

What? Jonathan.

Jonathan, you just don't go around giving girls cars.

I do.

This your car, Mac?

No, it's hers. Oh!

Is this your car, Miss?

No, it's his.

Jonathan. Jonathan, you're very sweet and very generous, but I cannot accept a gift like this.

Why not? But... Well, it's too...

It's too personal.

This? Yes.

If I gave you perfume, if I gave you lingerie, that would be personal.

But a car?

Come on, Mac. If it's yours, move it.

Here. Send me the perfume.

Will you be stopping by my office tomorrow?

In the afternoon.

Listen.

Are you sure you don't want the car?

Yes, I'm sure, Jonathan.

See you tomorrow.

My analyst will never believe this.

Neither will mine.

Good morning. Oh.

Mrs. Walters, I'm sorry to be so late.

That's all right, dear.

Mr. Pierot and I had a very fruitful morning. Didn't we, Mr. P?

Very fruitful.

Good.

Well, what are you doing with that?

I picked it out myself.

I thought it would go wonderfully well...

Mrs. Walters, a fertility goddess is the last thing you need in Scarsdale.

A fertility goddess? My dear, I had no idea.

Now, don't forget, I'm expecting you both at the housewarming tomorrow evening.

We'll be there.

Savage little thing, isn't it?

That woman has the taste of a water buffalo.

Well, then why do business with her?

Well, because she happens to be a very rich water buffalo.

But if you ever leave me alone with her again...

Where were you? I tried to reach you all morning.

Oh, lover boy got started very early today.

Oh, really, Jan, there must be some way to get a private line.

Tell them it's an emergency.

Thank you, Mr. P.

I've reported him to the phone company.

Well, it's about time.

They're sending an inspector over.

As far as I'm concerned, whatever Mr. Allen gets, he has coming to him.

Good.

Mr. Allen, I'm from the telephone company.

Well, hello.

I...

I'm... Yes?

I'm Miss Dickenson. I'm an inspector.

What would you like to inspect?

You. I mean, we've received a complaint about you.

Well, I've never had any complaints before.

Won't you come in?

Why, thank you.

You don't have to break the sound barrier, you hot-rodder.

Alm?

Well, I heard from the phone company.

I'm the one who can't get a call through, and they sent me this.

Listen, "Your complaint has been found

"to be completely unwarranted and untruthful.

"According to our inspector, Miss Dickenson..."

Would you believe that? They sent a woman.

It's like sending a marshmallow to put out a bonfire.

Here, read it for yourself.

You know I never get into focus until 10:00.

"Our inspector found Mr. Allen to be extremely cooperative."

I'll just bet he was.

Hello? Miss Morrow?

My name is Brad Allen.

Yes?

I've been advised by the phone company that there's a code number for our party line.

It's 793.

Now, if you have any future complaints to make, I suggest you dial it and complain to me personally.

Why, Mr. Allen, if I hadn't complained, the inspector would never have found out how cooperative you are.

Miss Morrow, why are you so fascinated with my personal affairs?

I'm not fascinated, Mr. Allen. Revolted.

You don't see me going down to the phone company complaining about your affairs.

I have none to complain about.

It figures.

What do you mean, it figures?

Well, obviously.

You're a woman who lives alone and doesn't like it.

I happen to like living alone.

Look, I don't know what's bothering you, but don't take your bedroom problems out on me.

I have no bedroom problems.

There's nothing in my bedroom that bothers me.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Mr. Allen, let's try to be adult about this and work out some sort of schedule where I can make my business calls and you can make your...

Whatever you call the calls you make.

Now, from the hour to the half-hour, the phone will be yours.

From the half-hour to the hour, it will be mine.

Should either of us receive a call during the other's half-hour, he or she will terminate the conversation as quickly as possible.

In emergencies, each will exercise a little tolerance.

How does that sound?

Like a report from the United Nations.

You mean, you disagree?

No, it might work.

Well, I hope so. I understand that we're going to have to share this party line for at least another month.

We'll just have to try living with one another.

Well?

I was waiting for you to make some off-color remark.

Miss Morrow, is that all you have on your mind?

Never mind my mind.

You stick to your half-hour and I'll stick to mine.

You know, he makes pretty good sense.

Were you listening in again?

Yes, ma'am.

Alma, have you no shame?

No, ma'am, he's brightened up many a dreary afternoon for me.

What did he say that made such good sense?

If there's anything worse than a woman living alone, it's a woman saying she likes it.

Well, I do like it.

I have a good job, a lovely apartment, I go out with very nice men to the best places, the theater, the finest restaurants.

What am I missing?

When you have to ask, believe me, you're missing it.

Well, what is a girl supposed to do?

Go out on the street and ask the first man she meets to come home with her?

No, don't do that, ma'am. it don't work.

Bedroom problems.

Bedroom problems?

Bedroom problems.

Over here, please.

Just set it down there. No, the other way.

Thank you very much.

How's it look?

You look beautiful.

Oh, Jonathan, now really, do you like it or...

Whatever you like, I like.

Jan, why won't you marry me?

Jonathan, I don't love you.

Well, that's absurd.

Well, I'm young, I'm rich, I'm healthy.

I'm good-looking. I'm very good-looking.

I've got everything.

Including three ex-wives. on, that's what it is.

Jan, please don't hold that against me.

Those marriages were just a revolt against my mother.

I'm trying to work it out. I'm trying to find out why I dislike her so.

I've been talking to this psychiatrist about my mother for two years now.

And? It's perfectly healthy.

He dislikes her as much as I do and he's from Vienna.

This time it'll be different, Jan,you'll see.

We'll go to Mexico.

It'll be like starting from scratch.

I've never been married in Mexico.

Jonathan, I just don't happen to love you.

Well, how do you know?

Love isn't an opinion, it's a chemical reaction.

We've never even kissed.

Well, they didn't hit the moon with the first m*ssile shot either.

Oh, Jonathan. I guess that's what I want.

To hit the moon.

Well... I tell you what.

Let's have dinner tonight and then we can try another countdown.

Can't do it. I have to go to a housewarming party tonight.

One of our clients.

Well, I'll call you tomorrow, then.

If I can ever get through that busy signal.

Oh, call between the half-hour and the hour.

How come?

I've signed a ceasefire with my party line.

Jan, marry me and I'll smother you with private phones.

I'd better leave.

That kind of talk could sweep a girl off her feet.

Hi, Alm.

Any calls?

It's him.

Mr. Allen, you're on my half-hour.

Party pooper.

Hello?

Don't ever do that again.

Mr. Allen, we made an agreement.

You were on my time.

All right, so I overlapped by a few measly minutes.

What am I supposed to do when somebody calls me?

Be as rude as you are?

Have you anything else to say?

Yes. Get off my back, lady.

Stop living vicariously in what you think I do.

There are plenty of warm rolls in the bakery.

Stop pressing your nose against the window.

Come on in, Jonathan. The door's open.

Hi, Brad.

How's the show going? Got any more songs ready?

Almost. Hi.

Well, fine. Let's hear them.

Not now, Jonathan. I'm going out. I'm in a hurry.

Now, just a minute, my boy.

I'm putting up $200,000 for this show.

We've got a theater deadline to meet.

Jonathan, you're hounding me.

No...

I don't know.

Money seems to have lost its value these days.

With $200,000, my grandfather cornered the wheat market and started a panic in Omaha.

Today, you can't even frighten songwriters with it.

Well, that's inflation for you, Jonathan.

Pour yourself a Scotch.

Thanks.

The trouble with you is you're prejudiced against me because I'm part of a minority group.

What minority group?

Millionaires.

You outnumber us, but you'll never get us.

We'll fight for our rights to the bitter end.

We've got the money to do it.

Why, Jonathan, you sound absolutely bitter.

Well, you don't know what this show means to me.

Now, look at us, we went through college together.

You worked your way through. You've become an important songwriter.

You've had a couple of big Broadway hits.

You started out with nothing and you've really made something out of yourself.

Me, I started out in college with $8 million and I've still got $8 million.

I just can't seem to get ahead.

Who's the girl?

What girl?

Oh, come on, now, you can't kid me.

I've been through three marriages with you.

You're like a fighter.

You're only ambitious when you're getting ready to climb into the ring.

Yeah.

Well, there is a girl.

Brad, she is the sweetest, she is the loveliest, she's the most talented person I've ever met.

That's what you said when you married that stripper.

She was not a stripper. She was an exotic dancer.

With trained doves.

When's the happy occasion?

Well, I don't know for sure.

She claims she doesn't want to marry me.

But that's what all my wives said at first.

Mind if I call her up?

No. Go right ahead.

What's her name? Jan.

Jan who?

Jan...

Oh, no. Not gonna tell you.

I may be neurotic, but I'm not crazy.

Busy. I can never get her on the phone.

She shares a party line with some nut.

It couldn't be.

Or could it?

What kind of a nut?

Some guy...

Some guy with a phone fetish.

She had to make a deal with him where they use it on alternate half-hours.

That's ridiculous.

A Pretty girl. huh?

Yeah.

Good figure?

Hmm.

And you won't tell me who she is?

That's right.

I found this gold mine.

I'm not gonna tell an old claim jumper like you how to get to it.

You sly dog, you-

Still busy. I must be on the wrong half-hour.

Brad, as a friend...

Sit down, boy.

As a friend, I only hope one day you find a girl like this.

You ought to quit all this chasing around, get married.

Why? Why?

You're not getting any younger, fella.

Oh, sure, it's fun, it's exciting.

Dancing, nightclubbing with a different doll every night.

But there comes a time when a man wants to give up that kind of life.

Why?

Because he wants to create a stable, lasting relationship with one person.

Brad, believe me, there is nothing in this world so wonderful, so fulfilling, as coming home to the same woman every night.

Why?

Because that's what it means to be adult.

A wife, a family, a house.

A mature man wants those responsibilities.

Why?

Well, if you want to, you can find tricky arguments against anything.

I gotta get out of here.

What have you got against marriage anyway?

Jonathan, before a man gets married, he's like a tree in the forest.

He stands there independent, an entity unto himself.

And then he's chopped down, his branches are cut off, he's stripped of his bark and he's thrown into the river with the rest of the logs.

Then this tree is taken to the mill.

And when it comes out, it's no longer a tree.

It's the vanity table, the breakfast nook, the baby crib, and the newspaper that lines the family garbage can.

No, no.

Look, if this girl weren't something extra special, then maybe I'd agree with you.

But with Jan, you look forward to having your branches cut off.

Well, I gotta be going.

Listen, remember, I need those songs.

I'll have them in your office on Monday.

Good man.

Hello?

Miss Morrow.

This is Brad Allen.

I've just gone through an agonizing reappraisal of our situation.

And I'm not very proud of myself.

I have used the phone too much and I've been extremely rude.

I'd like to apologize for the way I've been acting and I thought we could get together.

Have a cup of coffee, maybe.

Get acquainted.

We might find we have a lot in common.

Mr. Allen, we have nothing in common.

Not that meeting you mightn't prove amusing.

But frankly, some jokes are just too obvious to be funny.

Bradley, honey.

I've almost got it. There.

I can't believe it.

A song for little old me.

Mmm-hmm.

You are my inspiration Marie A perfect combination, Marie Your eyes, your hair, are beyond compare So is it any wonder?

You captured me and now I'm under your spell Marie Oh, Brad.

What a pity you have to leave so soon.

Yes, I have a very early appointment in the morning.

You know, everyone thinks the house is heaven.

Really? Oh, I'm so glad.

Good evening, Mother. How's the party going?

Oh, lovely, dear.

Miss Morrow, I want you to meet my son Tony.

Hello, Tony. Hello.

Tony's graduating from Harvard this summer.

He's Phi Beta Kappa, you know. Oh.

Oh, Mother, it's not that big a deal.

If Tony has one fault, it's that he's too modest.

You needn't wait for a cab, Jan.

Tony can drive you into town.

Oh, no. I wouldn't want to impose. Really.

I'd be delighted to, Miss Morrow.

Thank you.

I do hope Mr. P will feel better in the morning.

I'm sure he will. it was a marvelous time.

Thank you, dear.

I'll talk to you soon. Good night. Yes, dear. Good night.

I won't be long, Mother.

Tony, don't drive too fast.

I won't, Mother.

What time do you have to be back to the Copa for the next show?

Don't worry, darling.

We just got oodles and oodles of time.

Tony, please.

Jan, you're so primitive.

Tony, control yourself.

Remember, you're a Harvard man.

Not tonight, baby. I'm on vacation.

Stop it. You're only 21.

I dig older women.

Oh!

I've never seen a boy with so many arms before.

Tony, so help me, I'm gonna tell your mother.

It's your word against mine.

Look, I've never belted a Phi Beta Kappa...

Okay, okay. I'll take you home.

Okay-

Only promise to stop and have one drink with me.

No. All right.

All right.

I'm certainly in no condition for this.

Well, now, would you please start this car?

Come on, come on. Drink up.

You're still on your first one.

Tony, your mother is going to be terribly worried about you.

Now, what do you say I pour you into a cab and send you home?

You know something?

You are being very uncooperative.

Oh, come on, Jan. Finish your drink. It's very nourishing.

Will you please stop trying to get me drunk?

Drunk?

I'll have you know a Harvard man never resorts to getting a woman drunk.

Except in an emergency.

And you, Miss Morrow, are an emergency.

Tony, I want you to get the check and let's get out of here and I mean it.

No.

I categorically refuse.

All right. You can stay till AA comes for you.

I am leaving.

No, wait.

Just one dance and I'll go home. I promise.

I don't believe you.

Scout's honor.

So that's the other end of your party line.

How are you gonna get on friendly terms with that?

Anything wrong, darling?

No. No.

Shouldn't you be getting into your costume?

Well, it's not much to get into, honey lamb.

I know.

But...

I want you to look especially nice tonight.

I want to, too.

Brad, my boy, you haven't got a chance.

The minute you tell her who you are, you are buck dead.

But maybe you don't have to tell her, honey lamb.

Are you all right?

I don't feel so good.

Do you mind if we sit this one out?

No. Of course. Come on. Thank you.

I really should be getting home.

Tony. Get up. Tony.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I reckon it got a mite too close in here for your partner.

Oh, yes.

I wonder if you would ask a couple of waiters to help get him outside.

Why, shucks, ma'am.

No need to call anybody else.

Why, come on, boy, upsy-daisies.

I can't tell you how embarrassing this is, Mr...

Stetson, ma'am. Rex Stetson.

No call to be embarrassed.

I'm afraid he's had too much to drink.

We have a saying back in Texas, ma'am.

"Never drink anything stronger than you are."

Or older.

Your coat, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I reckon we'd better get your boyfriend home.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

No, his mother is a client of mine.

A client? You a lawyer or something?

No, I'm an interior decorator.

You are?

He was driving me home and insisted on stopping for a drink.

Don't tell me this young fella was trying to force his attentions upon you.

Well...

Well, that's one thing I can't stand, ma'am, a man who tries to take advantage of a woman.

We make short work of his kind back in Texas, I can tell you.

2268 Gardner Drive, Scarsdale, please.

Drive him slow and set him down real easy, partner.

Now, how are you getting home, ma'am? Thank you.

Well, I thought that I would take his car and then he could pick it up tomorrow.

It's mighty late for a young lady to be out driving alone.

It's not very far.

I'd feel a lot better if you'd let me see you home.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

Oh, that's it.

This bitty thing?

Why, back home we got jackrabbits bigger than this.

How do you get into this thing?

Well, it's a bit tricky. I think you'd better put your right leg in first.

Oh, yeah.

Now sit down.

Where?

On the seat.

Yeah.

Can't you get your other leg in?

I hope so, ma'am.

Sure hate to leave without it.

Can you drive?

Well, I think I can manage the steering, but somebody else'll have to work the pedals.

I think we should call a cab.

I think so, too.

All right.

Ma'am...

You might have to call the automobile club to help get me out of this thing.

You looked so funny.

There wasn't a thing I could do.

What a marvelous-looking man.

I wonder if he's single.

I don't know how long I can get away with this act.

But she's sure worth a try.

Well, don't just sit there like a bump on a log.

Make some casual conversation.

It's a lovely evening, isn't it?

Oh, yes, ma'am. it sure is.

You married?

Uh-oh!

You idiot. What are you trying to do?

Scare the man away?

No, ma'am, I'm not.

This may take some fancy broken-field running.

All those buildings filled with people.

Kind of scares a country boy like me, you know it?

Isn't that sweet?

So unpretentious and honest.

What a relief after a couple of monsters, like Tony Walters and that Brad Allen.

Everybody had a large family but me, ma'am.

I'm the only Child.

Really? There were six of us at home.

Four brothers and two sisters.

Well, that's what I call a nice-sized family, ma'am.

That's something you don't see much of anymore.

Well, I believe in large families. Don't you?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

Seems like folks nowadays have just stopped having kids.

May I, ma'am?

Thank you.

I guess it's the high cost of living.

Or else television.

Between The Late Late Show at night and Dave Garroway in the morning, why, it seems like there ain't much time.

Would you like to come in for some coffee?

No, ma'am.

I ain't used to these hours.

Why, back home we'd be just about getting up now.

Well, it's been a real pleasure, ma'am.

Night.

Good night.

Don't let him walk away without your phone number, you goof.

You might never see him again.

Oh, Mr. Stetson.

Ma'am?

Seeing as how you're all alone in New York, well, if there's anything you need and I can be of some help, my number is Plaza 2-2748.

2-2748.

I'll remember that. Bye.

Bye.

I'd say five or six dates ought to do it.

It's so nice to meet a man you feel you can trust.

He obviously respected you.

He didn't even try to kiss you.

Or maybe you just don't appeal to him.

He didn't write your number down.

Why didn't you think to ask where he was staying?

Hello?

Ma'am, this is Rex Stetson.

Oh!

Hello.

I hope I didn't wake you up.

Not at all.

Well, I was just lying here thinking about your generous offer and all, to call you in case there was anything I needed.

Uh-huh?

Well, I need to go out to dinner tomorrow night and I sure would enjoy seeing a friendly face across the table.

Of course, if you're going to be busy tomorrow night...

No, I always keep tomorrow night open.

I mean, I hadn't planned a thing.

Oh, I'd love to have dinner with you.

Heho, heho, heho, is anybody on this line?

Yes, I am on the line. Would you please get off it?

All right, but you're on my half-hour.

Rex? Rex, are you there?

Yes, ma'am. Who was that?

My party line. A horrible little man.

He sure isn't very well-mannered.

Mannered? He isn't even worth talking about.

Now...

What were you saying?

I'll be stopping by about 7:30.

All right. That'll be fine.

Miss Morrow?

Uh-huh?

I've never been much on making fancy speeches, but I get a nice, warm feeling being near you, ma'am.

It's like being around a potbellied stove on a frosty morning.

Oh, Rex, what a lovely thing to say.

Well, night, ma'am.

Good night.

Like a potbellied stove on a frosty morning.

He does like you.

Hello?

Miss Morrow, Brad Allen.

Hello? Hello?

Yes?

I couldn't help overhearing part of your conversation.

I'm sure you couldn't.

And sharing a phone together, I feel a certain responsibility for you.

Now, look, take my advice.

Don't go out with that man tomorrow night.

He's a phony.

Of course, it's none of my business.

Oh, that's right, Mr. Allen, it is none of your business.

Okay, only don't let that yokel act fool you.

This ranch hand Romeo is just trying to lure you into the nearest barn.

Don't judge other people by yourself.

All right, if you won't take a friendly warning...

But I can tell you exactly what he'll do tomorrow night.

He'll take you to dinner, dancing, then he'll find some excuse to stop off at his hotel room for a moment.

And that, Miss Morrow, is where the payoff comes.

Good night, Mr. Allen.

Well, this is it.

This is what? My hotel.

You don't mind if we stop off for a minute, do you, to get my coat?

It's a little bit chilly out.

The payoff.

One thing you gotta give New York.

Nice, big hotel rooms.

And mighty comfortable beds.

Come on over here.

Now, ain't that a pretty view of Central Park?

Mighty romantic, ain't it?

Well, let's go.

You really came up here for your coat.

What did you think I came up for, ma'am?

I thought...

Thought what, ma'am?

Well, I thought you brought me up here to...

Oh, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Rex. I should have known that you're not like the others.

But I had to make sure.

Will you forgive me?

Of course, ma'am.

I guess I can't blame you.

Living in bear country's bound to make you wonder about strange caves.

Now, let's go for that drive.

This way, ma'am.

I thought we were going for a drive.

We are.

Back-home style.

You know something?

Whenever I wanna feel close to home, the only thing that helps is getting behind a horse.

There's something so wholesome about a man who loves animals.

I hope this stupid horse knows where he's supposed to go.

Hangs on to the reins like a subway strap.

I don't know what he's up to, but I'm sure glad she ain't my daughter.

Now, over here is the ranch house.

Right here is the corral, that's where I keep my ponies.

And over here behind the ranch house is a mountain.

Ain't a very big mountain, but it's ours.

Texas must be a wonderful place.

Oh, yes, ma'am, it is. It is.

One minute, I'll check my coat, then I'll be back.

I seem to be out of cigarettes.

I wonder if you'd excuse me. Bye, now.

Bye.

Fred, you gotta come down here and help me out.

Fred, I'll make you a deal.

If you come down here and take her off my hands...

Fred?

Fred.

Hey, Brad. Fred who?

Hey, Jonathan, old pal. Good to see you, boy.

Sir, you forgot your check.

Oh, thanks, Cathy.

Come on in. There's somebody here I want you to meet.

Yeah, who?

This girl.

Friend of the family. She's visiting here. Wonderful girl.

Uh-huh.

But I wanted to work on those songs of yours tonight...

Say, why don't you take her over for the rest of the evening?

Me? Yeah.

Take her dancing maybe.

She's dying to learn how to dance.

Wait. She doesn't know how to dance?

Well, naturally, she doesn't get out of the house very often.

What do you mean, naturally?

Jonathan, believe me, you and Moose...

I mean, Miss Taggett, will get along...

Moose? Oh, all right.

So a girl picks up a nickname.

You know how cruel kids can be.

Especially to someone who's a little different.

Now, now just a minute. How different?

Well, just...

Different. You know.

Wait.

Is that the one right there? That one?

How can you tell?

See how nice and friendly she is?

Mmm-hmm.

Jonathan. Are you kidding?

Jonathan, you've got to help me out.

Sorry, pal.

It's your moose.

Happy hunting.

Yes, indeedy.

Beatnik.

Hello?

Morning, Miss Morrow. This is Rex.

Oh, good morning, Rex.

Ma'am, you done did a terrible thing to me.

Oh?

You made me glad I ain't in Texas.

Havel? Mmm-hmm.

Every time I look at you, I say to myself, "We got all kinds of natural resources back home, "but we ain't got nothing like that."

Oh, Rex.

Tell you something else, too.

I kind of hated New York when I first came here.

All those people. Seemed so distant and all.

Don't feel that way now.

That's good.

It sure turned out to be a friendly town.

You'll find that most people are willing to meet you halfway, if you let them.

Am I gonna see you tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, Rex, but I already have a date tonight.

Who with? A client.

You don't know him. Jonathan Forbes.

Of course.

You ain't the kind of gal who'd break a date.

No, I'm not.

And I ain't the kind of guy that'd ask you to.

I know you're not.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

I'll be ready.

Oh, what a day.

Good morning, Alma.

Isn't it a beautiful day?

You can't go by me. I haven't seen it yet.

Okay, I'll take your word for it.

He must be pretty special if you'd break a date for him.

He is.

What's he like?

Well, he's 6'6", handsome, intelligent, owns a mountain.

Well, don't just stand there making with the toast.

Get that robe off and go get him.

What?

6'6" of opportunity doesn't come along every day, you know.

Alma, I hardly know the man.

Takes only one sip of wine to tell if it's a good bottle.

This is a good bottle.

Well, what are you waiting for? Drink up.

Jan, answer me.

Are you evading my question?

I'll have these initialed if you like.

Why did you break our date? Now tell the truth.

'Cause you got another date, huh?

Go ahead, tell me. You're going out with someone else, right?

Right.

That's a terribly cruel thing to say.

I'm... Who is he? What's his name?

Rex Stetson. Do I know him?

No. He's visiting here from Texas.

Texas?

Oh, Jan, how could you?

How could you ever fall in love with a tourist?

I don't know, I just did.

You admit it. You just said it. You love him.

I did, didn't I?

As many times as I'll be married, I'll never understand women.

What a blow to my psyche.

To be rejected for a cowboy.

He's not a cowboy.

All right, an oilman.

Jan, if you marry him, you'll have to live out there.

Look at that. New York.

People jostling, shoving, struggling, milling, fighting for their lives, and you're part of it.

In Texas there's nothing but a bunch of prairie dogs and stuff.

And even the air out there, there's nothing in it but air.

In New York you've got air you can sink your teeth into.

It has character.

Jan, you can't live in Texas.

Oh, Jonathan, we haven't even talked about marriage.

Yeah, but it's that look in your eye.

I've been married often enough to know when a girl's willing to talk about it.

Do I look willing?

You look absolutely disgusting.

I'm sorry. You know me.

I say an awful lot of things I don't mean.

I just want you to be happy.

If it's Rex Stetson you want, I hope it's Rex Stetson you get.

Excuse me.

May I help you?

Yes. I'd like to make an appointment for an examination.

For your wife?

No, I'm not married.

It's for myself.

You mean, you want the doctor to examine you?

Yes. I haven't been feeling too well.

Probably just an upset stomach, but a fellow can't be too careful.

I'll tell the doctor you're here.

Oh, there's no need to break in on him.

I let it go this long, I can put it off another few minutes.

No, I'm sure he'll be very anxious to see you.

Um...

When she gets back, tell her I'm feeling much better.

It's probably just a false alarm.

Where is he? He must have just gone.

Excuse me.

The man said he was going to have a baby and you let him get away?

But he was obviously a psychopath.

What if he weren't?

But, Dr. Maxwell...

Miss Resnick, medical science still has many unknown regions to explore.

Look, you're the detective agency.

All I know is that his name is Rex Stetson and he's from Texas.

I want all the information you can get on him.

You've helped me get divorced three times.

Now let's see if you can get me married once.

What? All right, if it'll save any time, I'll be right over.

Yes?

Mr. Allen is here to see you. I can't see him.

Sure you can. I herewith present you three solid gold hit songs.

Leave them on my desk.

Where are you going?

Listen, remember that gal I told you about, Jan?

Who? Jan.

The one with the party line with the nut?

Oh, yeah. What about her?

Well, she meets this stupid cowboy from Texas of all places and she falls for him.

How do you know? She told me so.

But don't worry, I'll break it up.

You will? Yeah.

How? Leave it to me.

I don't know how fast he moves, but it takes an early bird to get the best of a worm like me.

Hello?

Miss Morrow, Brad Allen.

Look, I am in a hurry, Mr. Allen, so if you don't mind...

Of course, but before you hang up, just admit I was right.

About what?

Your Western gentleman.

He turned out to be a prairie wolf, didn't he?

Mr. Allen, this may come as a shock to you, but there are some men who don't end every sentence with a proposition.

Oh, come on, you mean, he didn't try to get you up to his hotel room?

Yes, he took me to his hotel room.

Uh-huh...

He showed me Central Park.

And then we left.

And nothing else?

Nothing.

Hmm.

That's even worse than I thought.

Worse? What do you mean, worse?

Oh, well, must I spell it out?

Either you're not telling the truth or...

Or what?

Well, there are some men who just...

Well, they're very devoted to their mothers.

You know, the type that likes to collect cooking recipes, or exchange bits of gossip.

What a vicious thing to say.

Oh, I hope I'm wrong, but...

Don't you think you'd better make sure?

You are sick.

Why, this isn't Rex Stetson. This is...

My best friend.

Yep, they're usually the ones.

Oh, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Hello? It's for you.

Thank you.

Graham.

Uh-huh?

Oh, good work.

Get your coat, Mr. Forbes. Why?

I've had one of my men tailing him.

He and the girl just went into a little club known as The Hidden Door.

The Hidden Door?

Should've listened to my psychiatrist.

He told me never to trust anyone but him.

Is this Roly Poly? Yes, it is.

Oh, I love it.

There's a guy in this old town I'm telling you a fact He measures 5' up and down And 5' front and back He's a fat one.

Pleasing as they come He's a roly-poly baby A ton of fun Everybody.

Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Ya, ya, Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Come on, Miss Morrow, you know this.

I don't know all the words.

Go ahead, Jan, sing.

When I first laid eyes on him I laughed just like the rest The more I saw the more of him the more I liked him best Got a roly-poly baby Point to him with pride He's my roly-poly baby, I'm satisfied I call him Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Ya, ya, Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Come on, sing another one.

Another one?

Just to put my arms around him Takes about a week But when I get my arms around We cuddle cheek-to-cheek Got a roly-poly baby Sweet as I can find He's just a roly-poly But so am I I call her Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya, Roly Ya, ya, Poly Ya, ya, Roly Poly Ya, ya...

Thanks, Perry. Thank you.

That's fun. You like this club?

Wasn't that fun? I love that. I love that.

Tell me about your job. it must be very exciting, working with all them colors and fabrics and all.

Um...

Rex...

Hmm?

Would you like some dip?

I'd love to.

Thank you.

Mmm!

Ain't these tasty?

I wonder if I could get the recipe.

Sure would like to surprise my ma when I go back home.

Um...

Rex, don't you find me attractive?

Why, yes, ma'am, of course.

Well, then, why haven't you ever...

Ever what?

I'm sorry, I feel so foolish.

Oh, no. Now, go ahead. What's on your mind?

Well, in all the times that we've been going out together...

Mmm-hmm?

You've been a perfect gentleman.

Oh, I hope I have.

Oh, you have. Oh, and I appreciate it, Rex, I really do. But...

Yes? Well...

Being such a perfect gentleman and all, it's...

Well, it's not very flattering.

Well, ma'am, I wouldn't want to do anything that might spoil our friendship.

Is that all it is with us? Friendship?

Ma'am, that's a direct question.

I think it deserves a direct answer.

I need no atmosphere No day in June I need no rocket ship No trip to the moon

If you'll excuse me, I'd better go to the powder moon...

I mean, room.

Fix my lipstick.

There's our man. Yes, I know him.

I can handle it from here.

Need a light, cowboy?

When are you heading back to the range, Tex?

That's up to you.

You've got two minutes.

We'll do this nice and clean, so no one's embarrassed.

When she gets back, you'll say goodbye.

You'll put her in a cab.

And we'll go home and you'll pack.

Where am I going?

Connecticut.

My summer house is perfect for writing songs.

No phone and 20 miles to the nearest girl.

Looks like I haven't much choice.

Sure looks like it.

Remember, I'll be watching you.

Ma'am.

Hello.

You know, I'm sure going to miss you, leaving New York and all.

You're leaving? Mmm-hmm.

When?

Tonight. I have to mosey up to Connecticut.

Didn't I tell you? No.

No, you didn't.

Well, this friend of mine, a business associate, has a house up there, and he practically forced me to use it.

I just couldn't refuse him.

Why must you...

Well...

I may be buying the place and I kind of want to get the feel of it.

Oh.

How long will you be away?

For the weekend.

It's going to be mighty lonely up there.

Ma'am, I don't suppose you would consider...

Consider what?

No, I'm afraid I couldn't ask you that, ma'am.

Don't be afraid, ask me.

Well...

Oh, no, ma'am, it wouldn't be proper.

Rex, we're both over 21.

I mean...

Well, I certainly should be able to trust you by now.

Ma'am, if I sent you home in a taxi, how long do you think it would take you to get packed up?

About an hour.

Forty-five minutes?

We're wasting time.

You lied, you dog And you'll be sorry

You lied, you hound And that's not fair

Hello?

Mr. Allen.

Just so you'll realize how wrong you are about Rex Stetson, he has just asked me to go away with him for the weekend.

He didn't.

Are you going?

That, Mr. Allen, is something you'll never know.

You are my inspiration Jan Morrow

All set?

All set. Ah.

Just to make sure you do plenty of scoring up there.

I'll do my best.

You'd better.

Off you go.

Gosh, I feel guilty.

I practically tricked him into taking me along.

You know, you've gone out with a lot of men in your time.

But this... This is the jackpot.

You cold?

No. It's wonderful.

If he only knew what I was thinking.

Hold me tight and kiss me right I'm yours tonight My darling, possess me Tenderly and breathlessly Make love to me My darling, possess me Near to me When you are near to me My heart forgets To beat Stars that shine make dreams divine So say you're mine And, my darling, possess me

What did you say?

Hmm?

Didn't you say something?

Who, me? No.

Oh.

May I help you, sir?

Yes. I've been trying to call...

To phone Miss Morrow for some time now and there's been no answer.

I just wondered if anything could possibly be wrong.

Oh, I hardly think so, sir.

She's just gone to Connecticut for the weekend.

Connecticut?

There's no phone number, but I have a forwarding address.

241 Stonybrook Road?

Why, yes, sir.

And you let her go?

Well, it wasn't my place...

No, it's my place. And I helped him pack.

Remember when I said that being near you is like being near a potbellied stove on a frosty morning?

Yes.

I was wrong.

You were?

More like a forest fire, completely out of control.

You know something?

Out here in the country you're very different.

I reckon I feel more at home, for the first time.

A man who owns a mountain doesn't belong in the big city.

Mmm-mmm.

Fire's nearly out.

I'd better get some more logs.

For later.

Hurry back.

Quicker than a cowpoke chasing a chuck wagon.

Jan, I...

Jan, please.

Stop. Jonathan.

His name isn't Rex Stetson, it's Brad Allen.

I know that.

He's a sneaking, double-crossing rat.

I know that, too.

Will you please take me home?

Of course.

Bedroom problems.

At least mine can be solved in one bedroom.

You couldn't solve yours in a thousand.

You cad.

At least you could have had the decency to bring your own champagne.

Jan, you've been crying for 60 miles now.

I know it.

Well, don't you think it's about time you stopped?

I can't.

Come on.

A cup of coffee will make you feel better.

I'm sorry, Jonathan.

That's all right, come on.

Two coffees, please.

Try to control yourself, Jan.

I've never done anything like this before.

All right, there has to be a first time.

You don't have to go to pieces over it.

I'm so ashamed.

Poor kid.

Guy drives a big car with all the optional extras.

Thinks he can get away with anything.

I thought we were going to get married.

Forget it.

Jan, you're becoming hysterical.

I can't help it.

I hate to do this, Jan, but this is for your own good.

You see? You see?

Jonathan!

Jonathan!

Your coffee, Mr. Forbes.

Hello, Jonathan.

What happened to you?

I was jumped upon by five or six ruffians.

What?

That's all right, Lois, just put it down.

By rights, these loose teeth belong to you.

You made her cry.

I was only trying to stop her. Cry?

Did she cry?

Cry?

I never knew a woman that size had that much water in her.

Have you seen her, Jonathan? No.

Have you talked to her?

No, I've decided to give her up on the advice of my psychiatrist.

Also my dentist.

Where have you been the last three days?

I stayed up there, working on the new songs.

What have you got?

This.

And this. And this.

What, what, what?

Couldn't come up with a thing.

I just sat there, feeling guilty.

Guilty? You?

I once saw you work on three sisters at the same time.

And you came up with some of your best songs.

All of a sudden, why does one girl make you feel guilty?

I don't know. I just do.

Well, what do you know? You're in love.

The mighty tree has been toppled.

For years I've been waiting to hear them yell "timber" over you.

You could be right.

You're darn right I'm right.

You love her and she can't stand the sight of you.

That's wonderful.

That's what it is, it's wonderful.

It's almost makes these loose teeth worthwhile.

Yeah?

Miss Morrow is here to see you.

Tell her to come in.

Is there a back way out of here? Uh-uh.

We're gonna have some fun around here.

Thank you. Good morning, Jonathan.

Jan.

Here's the painting I was telling you about. Ah...

Well, let's get on with the hanging, shall we?

I believe you're acquainted with Brad Allen, the ex-Rex?

The end tables are coming at 4:00, Jonathan. I'll see you then.

Jan.

Jan, wait.

Look, I don't blame you for hating me.

I'm trying to apologize.

Excuse me.

Well, where did he go?

I don't know, but he came out of there.

And you let him get away again?

Well, now, surely, Doctor, you don't believe...

Miss Resnick, a prejudiced viewpoint never advanced the cause of science.

Somewhere in this building, there may be a man who has crossed a new frontier.

Jonathan, how do I get her back?

You don't. That's the beauty of it.

You suffer and I watch.

Got to be a way. There's got to.

What a delightful situation.

The great Brad Allen, chopped down to size, floating down the river with the rest of us logs.

When you want to get on friendly terms with a girl, you're nice to her dog.

No dog.

Well, if there's no dog, then you're nice to her mother.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Well, if worse comes to worst, you work on her maid.

Alma? You couldn't get to first base with her.

Alma.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, uh, excuse me.

May I talk to you?

Yes.

My name is Brad Allen, and I...

Mr. Allen, of course.

Get lost.

I'd know that voice of yours anywhere.

You know me?

You are my inspiration, Alma Oh, the telephone.

I'm one of your most devoted listeners.

Why, thank you.

That's all right.

Oh, well, couldn't we...

It's a little chilly out here.

Couldn't we stop in and have a drink somewhere?

Oh, no, I don't usually...

Well, I might have one, just to be sociable.

Good. Good.

I know a nice little bar right down the street.

I know a better one.

You ready for another one?

No?

No.

Now, let's take this problem from the beginning.

You're in love with her and you want to win her back.

The first thing you gotta do is to get her to talk to you.

Right?

Right.

Really very simple.

Very simple.

You've got an apartment. She decorates apartments.

You hire her to do your place.

Two people decorating an apartment, that's pretty intimate.

Intimate. She's gotta talk to you.

Clever?

Clever.

And once you start talking, it's only a matter of time.

Now, remember, you hire her to decorate your apartment.

Okay? Okay.

Happy? Happy.

Would you care for a little snack of some kind?

Hi, there, slugger. This'll fix you up.

How do you feel?

Oh, boy.

I've had hangovers before, but this time even my hair hurts.

And you were gonna get her drunk, huh?

I stayed with her through a bottle of Scotch.

I lost her halfway through the vodka.

This'll fix you up. It's got a lot of olive oil in it.

The State Department could use her.

What a party girl she'd make in Moscow.

And two raw eggs.

Oh, go away.

Didn't you find out anything from her?

All I remember is this voice swimming towards me through a sea of Scotch.

"You've got an apartment. She decorates apartments.

"Right?" Right.

Of course.

What's the name of that place where she works?

Pierot's. But she won't talk to you.

But Pierot will. You know the number?

Yeah.

Dial it.

Not so loud.

What do you think?

But you threw out all my ideas.

Well... Jan, I hate to say this, but you were absolutely right.

This is much better.

Of course, if you repeat that to anyone, you're fired.

Tilda, as soon as you get back from the post office, call Brad Allen back and tell him it's impossible.

He'll have to get another decorator to do his apartment.

Yes, sir.

You mean, you're turning him down?

I have to.

But why?

Because I haven't the time to do his place.

And I certainly can't send you, not with the way you feel about him.

But it's not fair for you to lose a commission because of my personal feelings.

I couldn't subject you to such an experience.

It might be, how would you say, traumatic.

Now, that's silly. Now, look.

Once, I had the mumps.

It wasn't very pleasant, but I got over it.

The mumps?

I look upon Brad Allen like any other disease.

I've had him. It's over. I'm immune to him.

All right, Jan, if you think you can handle it.

I certainly can.

It's your decision.

Mr. Allen? Pierot. She's coming over.

Why, Miss Morrow, I was expecting Mr. Pierot.

Mr. Pierot is unavailable at this time.

However, if you'd rather wait until he's free...

Oh, no, no. You'll do just fine.

Please come in.

It's just that, well, it's a little embarrassing.

Mr. Allen, I'm a decorator, you're a client.

I'm here because you are paying for my professional services.

Now, what style did you have in mind?

Nothing in particular.

I'm leaving that entirely up to you.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, here...

This is where I do my work.

Living room. Over here is the kitchen, dining room over there.

And up here?

The bedroom.

And these?

Light switches.

Just switches.

Aren't they rather inconvenient?

Why, no.

The man that lived here before me had very long arms.

Over here...

Mr. Allen, if I'm going to redo the apartment, I have to know what everything is for.

Now, this is the fireplace.

But I'd like to see what the other switch does.

It's just a light switch. I wouldn't pay any attention to it.

Mr. Allen, please.

Jan, I...

Why redecorate?

It's so functional for your purposes.

Not anymore.

That's why I want you to redecorate.

That bed is the first thing I want you to get rid of.

And anything else that you think is in bad taste, throw it out.

I want you make this the type of place that, well, you'd feel comfortable in.

I'll keep that in mind.

Good.

You go right ahead and take over, and I'll stay here and do my work.

I'm sorry, Mr. Allen, once we get started you'll have to move out and stay away until I'm finished.

Move out?

The men are going to be working here.

You'll just be in the way.

But there might be things that you want to discuss with me.

On a job like this, Mr. Allen, you'll have to give me carte blanche.

But I... Well, if you feel that way...

No. No. No. I'll leave.

Just do the place the way you'd like it.

I will.

Tilda, call these shops and tell them I'll be coming by, will you?

I want to pick up a few things.

But, Miss Morrow, we don't deal with any of these shops.

Well, you know what their stuff is like.

You bet I do.

You should have seen that man's apartment.

He's got it down to a science.

He pushes a button and the couch becomes a bed with baby blue sheets.

Really?

And him acting so embarrassed.

Big phony.

He's like a spider and he expects me to redecorate his web.

Ha!

Eileen? Brad.

Dear, I want you to be the first to know.

I've met this girl, I've fallen in love with her, and I'm planning to marry her.

Oh, nonsense, dear, you have everything to live for.

No. It's not nauseating enough.

That one, with the two heads.

You're not serious.

Wrap it.

Marie? Brad.

Dear, I want you to be the first to know.

With big velour tassels.

Tassels?

Tassels.

Goodbye, my dear.

Yes. Yes, Mr. Allen, your apartment will be ready first thing in the morning.

There's just one final touch I want to give it.

Goodbye.

Behold, Jonathan. The work of a woman in love.

Oh, no.

I hope you saved those telephone numbers.

What?

That chair, it bit me.

Get your clothes on.

You get out of here.

We're going to my apartment. I've seen it.

You'll see it again. Now, put your clothes on.

I won't.

Are you getting out of that bed or am I coming in after you?

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, how dare you?

Oh, you put me down. I said, put me down.

I said, put me down.

What are you doing? Where are you taking me?

I'm warning you, put me down or I'll scream!

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Wilson. Good morning.

Now, you put me back in my bed.

Down, please.

Harry, would you be so kind as to call the police?

Harry.

Alma, Alma, stop him.

You wouldn't take me out in the street.

If I ever get on my feet again, look out.

Alma.

That man just inspired me to do something I should have done long ago.

You're too nice a looking woman to go out drinking every night.

You know, what you need is a man to take care of.

Then you wouldn't have so much time to drink.

Why, Harry, you're so strong.

They'll never believe this back in Wichita Falls.

Officer, arrest this man.

He's taking me up to his apartment.

Can't say as I blame him, Miss.

How's it going, Brad?

Fine, Kelly.

Mommy, where's that man taking that lady?

Shh! I'll tell you when you're older.

All right, you got me up here to see the apartment.

Now will you kindly put me down?

It's customary for the groom to carry the bride across the threshold.

What bride?

How's it feel, returning to the scene of the crime?

What bride?

Why did I spend a fortune having this apartment done over?

Why did I cut myself off from every girl I know?

Why does any man destroy himself?

Because he thinks he's getting married.

And what does it get me? What bride?

This.

Well, you did yourself a great job.

And as far as I'm concerned, you can stay here and charge admission.

Doctor, look. It's him.

Him?

Just a moment, sir.

Would you mind stepping into my office?

Not now, I have to see a friend of mine.

Yes, but I want to talk to you for just a moment.

But I have some important news to tell.

It will only take a few minutes.

But you don't understand, I'm going to have a baby.

Of course you are.

Wait a minute. Jonathan!