Monsoon Wedding (2001)

[bunniefuu]

Dubey!

Dubey! Not here.

Not here yet? He's an impossible fellow!

Nearly 11:00. How to fix this?

He wants money but doesn't want to work.

Dubeyji? Lalit Verma, who else?

Very kind of you to answer.

What's going on? No sign of anyone.

Fry the pakoras. Tea for the master. Hurry!

God forbid it! The wedding is so soon.

Hundreds of things to get tense about.

The marigold gate is falling apart.

The flowers are everywhere. What's going on?

No need to get so upset, sir.

Flowers? What's a few flowers?

For you, I'll bring Kashmir's Mughal garden.

Just say the word.

I'm stranded in a traffic jam.

Enough! Get here on the double.

Ten minutes, exactly and approximately.

I can't phone and drive.

What's the idiot up to?

Where were you?

You're incredible.

The guests are on their way.

Did you? Out with the truth!

These are our laws.

Change the constitution, then censorship will follow.

What do you think?

Let's hear some dialogue from the new script.

Go ahead, please.

Give it to me.

Come on.

More, big boy. More.

I like it like that.

Big boy, I like it.

Give me more.

Come inside me.

Give it to me.

Come!

If he wants the works, then he must get the cash out.

The one-rupee era is over.

Tea anyone?

Four teas.

King Dubey! At your service.

Gracing us with your presence?

Your daughter is my daughter. Why worry?

The wedding is in four days.

Today, the engagement.

The groom is on his way.

Want me to lose face? Important call.

Call my pager, damn it!

More important things to do?

Now you're an event manager.

Fix this now! Yadav!

Tameez-ud-din!

Lottery!

Get down. Fix it!

Insolent bums! Want tea, do you? To work!

Right away!

Hi, Uncle!

King Dubey, move your van.

Move the van!

Where have you been?

How lovely!

Take it easy.

No, Ma.

I'll stop at the temple. It may get late.

No, I won't eat at home. I'll come late.

You can pack the food in the tiffin.

Forgive me.

Ma, leave the worrying about the stock market to me.

I can deal with it.

Twelve rupees a minute calling me on the mobile.

Hang up.

I saw cousin Aditi naked, and I almost saw you naked too.

Enough. Get dressed for the engagement.

What is it, my child?

In God's name, what on earth is written here?

There is no such word, my child.

It's a spelling mistake.

There should be an L here. It's "luxurious."

Brought the whiskey?

Anyone about?

Let's take the whiskey in.

Australian idiot - you!

We're hardly late. You get tense for nothing.

Talk fast. Can't catch the network.

Let me come down.

One minute!

Speak. No, no, no.

Yes, I'll be there.

That's correct. Take the advance.

Life's such a comedy.

No signal up there. But there's one down here.

The virtuous virgin look really suits me.

Breasts like baby mangoes.

The groom!

The groom's here!

Congratulations, Mr. Rai!

Pay your respects to Grandmother.

Look what I have for you.

Know why God arranged your marriage in a hurry?

I told him I had to see a great-grandson before dying.

He heard me!

How beautiful!

So fair and lovely.

Say hello to Hemant.

Enough!

I met C.L. only once, and we got married right away!

Don't you feel like getting married?

Sweeten your mouths, my dears.

Just in time!

My dear brother-in-law!

Look at him.

What a complete idiot!

Calls my son an idiot, then calls him a duffer.

Who does he think he is?

I'm not coming back to India.

My naughty niece, couldn't you wait?

The m*therf*cker doesn't have a dime to his name, and he wants the White House theme for his daughter's wedding!

How the f*ck will that happen?

The swine hasn't any shit in him, and he invites other pigs for dinner!

What?

We need more ice. What?

I've told them once.

I've told them a thousand times they'll need ice.

They never listen.

Now what?

Do you need some water?

Water?

Okay.

Fridge water or tap water?

Fridge water.

Our eyes made the right signal And I found a partner for life

Shut up, you assholes!

I quit.

America makes everyone quit smoking.

The Rais are so cultured.

Speak a little English and you become a very cultured family.

Rai!

Make her understand.

Lots of money in writing these days.

That girl who won the Booker Prize became an overnight millionaire!

Two weddings in one!

I have anotherjoke. Nonvegetarian!

Let me start rehearsing, then.

I won't listen to you or to Ria's mother.

I can still work.

This is India's big problem.

Alice, has the fuse blown?

Alice! Get the phone.

When are you arriving?

Yes, yes. She's here, swinging on my shoulders.

The line's cut.

Sisterfucker, what a pain!

All the fuses have blown.

Pardon?

Which is the house fuse?

This one?

I'll fix it right away.

The light, a little closer, please.

A little to this side, please.

A little lower.

Your shadow is in the way.

A little closer.

Trying to say something? It's hot today.

Switch it on. The power is back.

What a silly assh*le I am.

Eat, Son, eat!

What is it?

Some gratitude.

We are so grateful, dear Pimmi.

This wedding is driving me crazy!

Today will be a long day.

It's hot, too, after all that rain.

May I have... a glass of water?

I'm very thirsty.

What is your good name?

It's an English name.

Where are you from? Bihar.

What's your name?

Parbatlal Kanhaiyalal Dubey.

But I've changed it to P.K. Dubey.

But it makes people laugh. In the city, they call me Dubeyji.

Parbatlal is a nice name.

They're newly printed.

I'm into event management.

It has the address to send mail through the computer.

You know about it? Yes.

Keep it. Take some more.

This is fine.

Tell me you love me.

Have you seen the movie Tell Me You Love Me?

Yes.

What happened?

Nothing happened.

I must be going.

Tell me something.

How many weddings have I organized so far?

At least 150 or 175.

How come I'm not married yet?

My poor mother has grown old saying, "Son, get me a daughter-in-law."

Now I've done my thinking.

I'll put an end to my lonesome, vagabond life.

I'll find myself a decent, simple girl and begin life as a family man.

The hope now is that the next tent Dubey puts up has Dubey entering as the groom.

Bravo!

I swear, pure genius!

m*therf*cker.

Do I pay you to sit on your ass? Get to work!

Coming, sir.

Not a minute of peace.

This is the limit. A white tent?

A white tent?

Yes, sir. What's this "yes, sir"?

What's with the white tent?

This is the fashion these days. Millennium style. Y2K dot.

Smart-ass!

A white tent! Is this a wedding or a funeral?

I only have one daughter. I don't want a white tent.

Put up a colorful tent.

Red, yellow, green, blue.

Okay. Yadav!

Get this down. It's not wanted.

He wants the old look.

Get it down.

What about the waterproofing?

It was never discussed.

What do you mean, Dubey?

The peacocks have stopped dancing. It won't rain.

Peacocks? You've been smoking pot?

Okay, sir. Advance.

In foreign countries, deal is deal.

Look, sir.

See, everything in foreign style. In writing.

The number of plates and spoons.

But no waterproofing.

You want more? Pay more.

How much?

$5,000.

I'm not a nonresident Indian.

Your garden is huge. Well, your daughter is my daughter.

Advance, sir.

Today we work. Tomorrow, holiday. Strike, day after.

Then our wedding. This is all I have now.

I'll give you the rest later.

This won't pay for a thing.

You'll fall sick. A Popsicle, now?

This one's for Hemant's sister.

You bought one for his cousin in Bangalore?

So many cousins!

Look at this silk sari.

So smooth, even a fly could slide on it.

Once your eyes behold its beauty, the fly has gone.

It's too gaudy.

Who's the bride? She's having a Popsicle outside.

Come!

Put them properly.

Over there.

All right.

Not a single flower in place yet.

I knew it. She's a thief!

m*therf*cker.

m*therf*ckers!

She's not stealing. f*cking assholes!

You don't come to golfthese days.

I'm busy with my daughter's wedding.

How much do you need, pal?

$1 2,000.

A daughter's wedding, that's what happens.

Or I'd be wiped out.

O women of the house Decorate me with henna

Make these fair hands beautiful with henna

Madhorama asks which one shall we marry

Madhorama says The Fat One

The Fat One needs too large a bed to sleep on

Let's drop her by the wayside Right on

We want another Right on We are fancy gentlemen Brimming with lust and desire Life intoxicates us

Do I lie No way

Madhorama asks which one shall we marry Madhorama says The Fair One

The Fair One has the color of butter She sleeps alone on the roof as her lover pines for her below This is the one we'll have This is the one we like we will marry her Shashi, remember when we were newlyweds?

Lalit and my brother would sleep.

You'd come to my room and tell me dirty jokes.

Your Lalit may have gone to sleep, but my C.L. would never sleep, nor would he let me sleep!

Go! No men allowed!

Stick with me. You'll have fun with me!

Cash in on the pleasures of life with me.

I'm giving birth!

Lemon juice. The henna's drying.

As I leave for my father-in-law's house I will take your dreams with me

The gift of bracelets Binds me in marriage My father, I leave the palace of your love To become a stranger to you forever

How did they grow up so quickly?

The Betrayal of your Erect d*ck — How does it feel?

Roll down the window.

What are you doing here so late?

None ofyour business.

Big words in English, eh?

Should we take you to the station?

Out. Out you come!

Who do you thinkyou are?

You may have a b*mb. Who knows?

Get out right now.

You too.

Hands up. Bastard!

Your time's up. Hands up, fucker!

Home. Give it to me.

A bride's henna-painted hands!

You couldn't wait, eh?

Ifyou are in such a hurry, come with me.

You'll be in for a treat.

Shall I call your lover?

Go get him.

O hero!

Madam, stop!

The bird has flown.

Grab this, Lottery.

Catch!

Throw it!

How should I arrange the colors?

Any way you want.

I'll nail it.

Brothers, I'm going.

Do without me.

What's up? I'm not feeling well.

I've worked with Dubeyji five years.

I've never seen him like this.

He isn't even eating marigolds.

We must do something.

Jaichandji!

How's life?

I recognized you at first glance, my friend.

I haven't seen you around. I've been away for four years.

What will you have? Two of your special teas.

No sugar in mine.

You've been brain washed by America. No sugar, if you please.

Yesterday, Naresh Sharma was here from America.

He wanted Sweet'N Low. Can you imagine?

We'll chat another time.

Absolutely.

Move your bike, man.

Move your bloody bike!

He doesn't listen. I give up.

Let's find him a nice boy.

Our son will be a cook.

A cook!

He's just a kid.

Yes, darling?

You want to be an entertainer?

Nothing has been decided.

Son, listen to me.

Alice, one minute.

We wanted to talk to you.

We're sorry. We made a big mistake.

We didn't do it on purpose.

We couldn't see clearly.

We made a mistake, Alice.

We're sorry.

It won't happen again.

Bravo! The stock has gone up.

I told you before the stock would go up.

But you thought your mother was a fool.

That's what you had decided.

"What does she know about the stock market?"

I knew it. It's up, isn't it?

Now you go tomorrow and sell the shares — Oh, God.

What is the use of this money?

I'll die before I see the face ofa grandson.

Your father's name will sink without a trace.

Listen.

Did you tell the neighbors about the toilet?

It's flooded again.

What sin did I commit?

You don't like any girl!

Don't you feel like settling down?

Ramesh is six months younger than you, and he has two children.

He earns halfwhat you do.

Her mother shows off her grandsons to make me jealous.

Oh, God! Have you gone mad?

Roaming about in your underwear!

After Partition, we came here with nothing.

Nowhere to go, no future.

Tej's family looked after us.

He educated us, made us stand on our feet.

There are no accounts between families.

Now you're one of us.

Welcome.

"Your eyes brim with intoxication.

Your skin glows from the fragrance of rose petals."

Don't take out your parents' anger on me.

May this enchanted evening glow forever.

Bloody foreigner!

"Only brave warriors fall from their horses in battle.

How can kneeling cowards know what a fall is?"

We're in-laws now.

The idiot's dancing!

Bravo!

I love you, brother!

You have listened to everyone but Shashi.

And now we present Shashiji!

My throat is sore, but I'll try.

Head straight here.

Aliya, come.

Troubling your mother?

Did you see Tej Uncle? That tall old man.

Insolent, crazy girl!

I'm falling, Pimmi. Hold me.

Don't do this, my child.

Let's go home.

I don't understand. What can I do?

You can do nothing, Uncle.

Without you, the wedding can't happen.

We are so indebted to them.

Come home, I beg you.

It's not your fault.

Aren't you my little one?

Everything will break.

At the gentleman's feet.

Come, darling. Be blessed by your elders.

You won't receive the groom.

For such a small thing —

Ready?

The soaked in-laws are here.

Verma family, forge ahead!

Get drenched, bloody fools!

Should I wear it?

Take the groom in. He'll get wet.

Be happy.

Long live Mr. and Mrs. Dubey!

Dubey and his lovely bride!

It's your own tent. You won't get wet.

Fabulous waterproofing, Dubey!

The bride is coming!

Watch out!

The wedding garlands!

My son, Umang!

My darling son, you're here!

Bring on the music!

We finally made an Indian out of you!

Come on, Mrs. Dubey! Let's dance!

Pimmi, please bring the phone.

Darling, you want something else? Tea? Nimbu pani?

No, no. That bloody bastard Dubey hasn't come yet.

Alice?

Pimmi, I'm sorry to say, but Lalit takes on too much tension.

It�s not good.

You see all these young men getting heart att*cks these days.

And Lalit is doing everything single-handedly.

Left, left, you idiot! You want to spoil-

Stop the car!

You'll spoil the decorations also.

Don't you even know how to drive? I've only got one hand to drive with.

Who told you to break your hand at this time, idiot? Where were you?

I went to the airport to get your sister and her husband.

Where are they? I didn't see them.

What do you mean, you didn't see them?

Hold up a placard: "Mr. and Mrs. Tej Puri from USA."

They could have seen you.

Why are you yawning so much? I've hardly slept.

Not to mention I got back from Australia just yesterday.

You young people!

What do you need to sleep so much for?

What time is the flight coming? About 9:00.

Make sure you're there on time. And take this car, okay?

And only run the AC when you've received them.

And park this car somewhere else! Chill.

And take off that stupid topi.

Where the hell are those girls?

Oh, God, Varun, what are you doing with that?

Why haven't you got ready? Didn't you hear Papa?

- He's getting so angry. It�s the last step. Coconut curry, Ma.

No, no. Now, hurry up. Don't give me a hard time.

And this TV. I'm so sick of it! Take this off. Hurry up.

Ma, what are you doing? I'll do it myself.

What "wear it yourself"? I'll wear it myself.

The guests are on their way.

Did you change your underwear? Ma!

What "Ma"? Did you?

Out with the truth! Are you wearing dirty ones from yesterday?

I just hope they're not smelling. You're such a silly little boy.

"Little"? Oh, God!

Just because India has gone global... should we embrace everything?

What about our ancient culture?

Our tradition? Our values?

You are saying censorship is unnecessary.

Absolutely unnecessary. What is your response, Mr. Bhatt?

Let's take the example of America.

This is not America. This is India.

You think just because you wear handloom and speak in Hindi... that you represent the common man?

Well, you don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... one of our top dubbists in Delhi, Shivani Tanakiya.

This is what the common man hears. So, somebody enjoying sex.

So what's the problem?

We have to take a short break, ladies and gentlemen, but please stay tuned to Delhi dot com.

Hi. Hi.

How have you been? Fine.

Are you happy?

Yeah.

I miss you.

Oh, hi, Aditi. I'm sorry.

We're starting in 20 seconds. I'll be right there.

Sorry.

I have to go.

Call me.

Aditi, why are you doing this? What? What am I doing?

I don't think you're ready for marriage.

I just want to settle down. So what do you do?

Get married to some guy selected by Mummy and Daddy?

You've known him for a couple of weeks!

You are so mature, Aditi.

I can't wait around to see if Vikram's wife will agree to divorce him.

I've read too many magazines, Ria. I know it may never happen.

Do you get all your life directions from f*cking Cosmopolitan?

Don't get superior with me.

We're family, and I can tell you what I think, and I will.

That's right.

My older, unmarried cousin Ria.

What would she know about passion?

I didn't mean that, Didi.

For all this talk of passion, how about marrying for love, Aditi?

There's a Tempo in the middle of the driveway.

We had to go to the tailor and then-

But people are about to arrive and you're not dressed yet!

Come on, hurry up. You're looking very handsome today.

Hurry up and get ready.

Take it easy.

What are you doing here? Just chillin'.

Just chilling. Idiot.

Hi, Mom. I'm back.

Aliya? God, what are you doing here?

You're so disgusting. Get out now! Out!

Out! What does this word mean?

How come you're so irritating? How come you're still unmarried?

Hello, sweetie.

What does this word mean?

It�s "uxorious. "

It�s "uxorious. " Uxorious?

So you are facing this way as barman?

I'm the barman, facing this way, and this acts as a roof.

No need to be happy about being the barman.

You're not supposed to touch one drop of the stuff. Understand?

A barman should be absolutely sober.

Keep this list, and make sure the servants don't swipe anything... and make small drinks for everybody, not too large.

The whiskey hasn't come yet! Uday was supposed to bring it.

Here he comes. My unpunctual brother.

Good morning.

What do you think?

We got real scotch from Uday's client.

Thank you, Sona. Hi, Lalo Uncle.

- Why aren't you staying with us? I have to study for my exams.

I hope my little Aliya didn't trouble you.

No, she's such a little delight.

Pick it up and take it in.

This is no time for family members to arrive.

It�s only 4:00.

Just relax!

Ayesha, this is C.L. Uncle and Shashi Auntie's son Rahul.

They live in Dubai. Muscat, actually.

Yeah, Muscat, okay.

You have a tattoo. Yeah.

Okay, bye.

I think your cousin Rahul would really like it.

You have to know this.

I heard your mother tell him and sister your bra size was 36C.

- Why would she do that? Sorry, but it's 32A.

I know that, but we can't tell them.

Pimmi, come on!

The groom's here!

Oh, shit.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you, thank you.

This is Pimmi's brother from Muscat.

Rahul, come here!

It�s okay, it's okay.

Hello, young man. How are you?

Have you got the blue box?

So, excited? Soon to be in family way!

So, you like India? Yeah.

Better than Houston, no?

Good, good, good. India needs young men like you.

Yes, computer engineers are India's biggest export.

Am I a coolie or what?

Bhai-sahab, what would you like to drink?

Scotch, please on the "rockiolis. "

"Rockiolis" means ice? Two lumps, exactly.

Exactly.

I'll have the same, thanks.

Uh "rockioli. "

Rahul, two whiskies here.

Two cubes of ice exactly.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you!

How lovely you look.

Rockioli, rockioli. Mrs. Rai over there.

Hi. Congratulations. Hi.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Fine.

I must have another drink.

Rahul, idiot, come here.

Come here and hold the camera. Listen.

Look at them. How handsome Hemant is.

Come on, put it on. Camera on!

On the ring!

Thank you.

Just in time!

This is Varun? He's almost a young man.

How did you manage? I sent Rahul to airport, told me flight was late.

No, it was not late. Nobody was there at the airport, so we took a cab.

You had to take a cab? It�s okay.

Rahul, you idiot, I sent you to the airport to receive them.

You come back and tell me the flight was late?

He's been working day and night. He doesn't know India.

But he's number one most stupid duffer.

I'm sorry to say, but I don't like this!

Bhai-sahab, this is Mr. Tej Puri, married to my sister Vijaya.

After my older brother Surinder bhai-sahab passed away...

Tej bhai has been the hero of the family.

He has really looked after us. Come and meet Hemant.

Yes. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You know how difficult it was to get tickets at this time of the year?

Difficult or not, we would have brought you here first-class if we had to.

We couldn't have had the shadi without you, my darling sister.

Nothing would have stopped us.

Ria!

Is that you? Come here.

Come here, come here.

God bless. Very good.

- Paaji, would you like a cigar? I quit.

Tej bhai-sahab, I wanted to talk to you about Ria's plans.

Ria, come here a minute, please.

- Ria wants to study in America. Is that so?

We're hoping you could give us some advice.

What do you want to do?

I'm applying for creative writing programs.

She wants to be a writer. Very good.

Have you thought of the budget? Where will the money will come from?

My teacher's salary?

Why can't she be like Aditi and do the right thing at the right time?

Absolutely! Just one book. Who knows? It might happen.

You must go to the States.

You know saada Umang is also there.

You must give us his phone number. He's coming here tonight.

We're hoping Ria and Umang will like each other.

What are the chances of getting hooked?

Bad.

Save the jokes for the sangeet. He'll be the MC at the sangeet.

Varun, out!

What's your problem anyway?

Varun, what happened to you?

Mrs. Mehta speaking. Who's this?

Okay, okay, I have an announcement to make.

I'm thinking that if Ria wants to study in America...

I will fund her entire education.

No, no arguments.

This is my family.

You see, Lalit, Ria is a sensible girl.

If she wants to write, we must encourage her.

I can still work.

This is final! We'll talk about it later, okay?

Now you tell us what needs to be done for the wedding.

Absolutely. Now you don't have to worry about anything.

Anything.

My God, I don't know what to say.

This is enough for me that we are all here together.

My God! Pimmi, it's wonderful, no? After so many years.

After Surinder bhai-sahab passed away...

I think this is the first time the whole family's here together.

Ria, Ria, Ria.

Don't cry. I know you are missing him.

We are all missing your father.

Dubey!

Rahul, go start the generator.

I don't even know where it is. Behind the house, idiot!

Come, I'll show you.

Umang? Yeah, just hold on a sec.

It�s very unclear. Hello?

When are you arriving?

Hello, hello?

Think you can handle it? Yeah, sure.

Hi. Hi.

I'm glad I got some exercise.

All I've been doing is eating and eating and eating.

I'm sorry I had to wake you up this early... but this is the only time we're gonna have on our own.

There's just so many ceremonies.

And I don't even know who's who half the time.

I know what you mean.

I wanted to talk to you about our- Here's the coffee, ma'am.

Thank you. Do you want something?

I'll have a salt lassi, please. Sure, I'll get it.

I want to know what's on your mind.

Sleep! That's all that's on my mind right now.

I saw you with your family yesterday.

You guys are so close.

Sometimes...

I worry about how it will be for you in America.

You might just feel so alone.

I'm sure I can handle it.

It'll be really nice to get away from this damned place.

Why? You don't like Delhi?

No, I love India.

I mean, I don't care. America's gonna be new for me anyway.

My fianc�e.

Sorry, I'm just not a morning person.

Vicky, is it okay if I join the four-ball today?

No, no, I'll be there 100%.

I'll be there. Don't worry. Okay, bye.

Pimmi.

Pimmi.

What are you doing inside? Nothing.

Nothing. I know very well what you're doing.

Open up. I have to get ready. Just a minute.

If you must hide and smoke, at least use a better air freshener.

I was a little tense.

Tense? You're going shopping! I'm the one who should be tense.

I'm doing it for our darling daughter. You saw how much they gave us.

We can't look bad in front of our in-laws.

We'll look good with you smoking in front of them.

Well, doesn't Saroj drink?

Anyway, just let me go and do it, okay?

Well, Pimmi goes shopping again.

And I'm telling you, it's gonna cost us.

So what? I'll arrange the money like I've been organizing everything else.

You've organized everything else?

Who's been nonstop on her toes for days? Just tell me that.

Thank you so much for working so hard.

Take off your curlers at least!

Alice. Alice.

Email?

Shit! Dubey!

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir? Dubey.

Yes sir. What's this "yes sir"?

Okay.

Advance? What for?

Waterproofing, meaning more money.

Five thousand dollars. Exactly and approximately.

Thank God it's air-conditioned.

Mom, I'm just going to have a chuski.

Just one.

By God, it's fabulous!

Aditi.

What are you doing? They're waiting for your approval inside.

I don't really know how Hemant thinks, what he expects of me.

So call him instead of Vikram.

Now go inside before those aunties come and dance on our head.

Thank you.

Hey, you want a lift, baby?

Aliya, go and sit.

We can try the sitting step, and then the chunri khenchna step.

Hi, sexy.

So, Sydney boy, can you move to this?

What's going on, guys?

Come on, didi. That's enough.

God.

Not more interruptions! We'll never get this right.

What is it, Rahul? We're rehearsing for the sangeet. What do you want?

Lalit and Sam are partners, and Vicky and me.

Let's take them on, partner.

That's a great shot, partner.

Thanks, Rajeev. Great shot there. Good sh**ting.

Thank God we're partners.

I have to talk to you about something, Rajeev.

Rajeev, I was wondering if- How's Pimmi?

She's fine. How are the preparations going?

Preparations? First-class.

But, Sam, I'm having a cash-flow problem.

I was hoping to borrow some money just to tide over this wedding expense.

When do you think you'll be able to return it, partner?

Next month. I have a huge shipment going to Macy's next month.

Hey, guys, Mr. Verma here has got some serious cash-flow problems.

Thank God I don't have any daughters

- You've got a high-maintenance wife. But she's a self-financed Maharani.

O women of the house Decorate me with henna

Hey, idiot, come on! Let's enter the harem!

Arre, ladies!

C.L. has an item which is most suitable for ladies. Please!

So, Varun, enjoying yourself among all the women?

Be a good girl. Don't say no.

Open your mouth. Do you like it?

Be a good girl and open your mouth.

There's only this much left.

Hi. Hi. What?

Hi. Nice mehndi, Ria.

She's angry, eh?

Okay. Ria didi will give you samosa, okay?

- What were you doing here? Eating a big samosa.

Why? Because I'm hungry.

- No, why are you eating it here? Because the samosas were in here.

Why was he with you, Aliya? Who?

Tej Uncle.

Alice said the samosas were on the top shelf... and Tej Uncle came to get the box down for me.

Okay, let's do a nakkushi.

I love you, Ria didi. I love you too, my baby.

Alice.

Alice.

You know, Pimmi... sometimes when I look at them...

I feel love which I almost cannot bear.

And when did we grow old?

If only their lives are happy.

For that I'm willing to take on every trouble, every sorrow, in the world.

- Need anything, beta? I'm all right, thanks.

Good night.

Good night, idiot.

I thought you weren't staying here.

I changed my mind.

Really?

How come you're not asleep as yet?

Just thinking.

About what?

About good Indian girls.

Is this a scorpion? Yeah. It�s my sign.

I should go. It�s okay.

I should really go. Don't go.

Please don't.

Idiot.

Where would you like to go?

I just want to drive and drive and drive.

Why did you come to see me?

I... wanted to be reminded why I broke up with you.

Somehow...

I can't remember.

What is it?

What is it?

Take me to the police station? On what basis?

Indecent exposure. Obscenity.

Don't be ridiculous! Do we look like t*rrorists?

Hello, darling.

Yes, I know that. I'll be home soon.

There was an emergency. Yes.

No, don't worry. That's just a television show in the background.

Vikram, don't leave me with them.

What are you doing?

Lalit.

Let me sleep, will you?

So what are you going to say to Hemant?

Everything. Oh, God. Then?

He's gonna tell me I'm a slut and that I should get lost.

Adu.

How could I have been so stupid?

Are you sure you want to tell Hemant everything?

Everything's over between you and Vikram now.

Ria, I don't want to lie.

I don't want to start something new based on lies and deceit.

It�s just so wrong.

You liked Hemant, no? Yeah.

He's nice.

He's good for you.

I can't do this to him.

I'm going mad! What is this music?

It�s Ayesha practicing for the sangeet tonight.

Maybe she shouldn't bother. What?

- Maybe she shouldn't bother. Adu!

I'm really glad you called... because I was gonna call you myself this morning.

Why? What happened? Nothing happened.

It was great to see you alone yesterday... so I thought I'd try my luck again.

You look really nice when you laugh. Oh, yeah?

I need to tell you something.

You'll probably hate me by the end of it...

but I really need you to know.

It�s okay. I'm not gonna hate you.

This used to be my favorite haunt during my IIT days.

Best chai in the world.

It�s nice. Yeah? I was hoping you'd like it.

So, what was so important?

You don't want to marry me anymore?

Just look at these.

Mama gave these to me when I got married.

Still so shiny and beautiful.

I never used them once.

I just hope Aditi will use them.

Pimmi, what have you spread all over?

I have to do my accounts and I can't even find my papers.

Please don't keep this stuff here. Then get a computer.

You won't need any paper.

Computers can do everything for you these days.

I'm too old to learn all this computer nonsense.

And you know how much money has already got spent?

You know how long it will take me to repay all this?

Don't worry so much, Lalit.

Our only daughter's getting married.

Nothing's a waste.

Look at these saris.

You know I bought this one in Madras 22 years ago?

I've been collecting these since the day Aditi was born.

This one is lovely.

And tomorrow she'll be gone.

Just like that, in one day.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Couldn't help yourself, huh?

You had to drag me into your mess as well. What am I supposed to do now?

Mr. Verma, your daughter's such a rosebud.

We'll have a wonderful family in Houston, Texas... be friends, take our kids to Disneyland... send you tickets every year.

It'll be lovely!

But, hey, wait a minute.

You didn't tell me she's still screwing her ex-boyfriend... while you were fixing her marriage.

But that shouldn't be a problem. I'm from America. We'll fit right in.

I've been thinking, Lalit.

I don't want to send Varun to boarding school.

Don't start again. I don't want to lose both my children.

Don't start over again, huh? We've been through all this.

He's going to boarding school, and that's final.

He's wasting his life, staying here watching TV the whole day.

There's no one here to discipline him.

I don't know what to do.

He also needs love and affection.

He's such a sensitive boy... and he's so wonderful with all these creative things.

Creative things like singing and dancing. cooking sesame chicken.

Don't say that. Why do you always look at everything like that?

You know what he told Tej bhai-sahab he wants to be when he grows up?

What? He said he wants to be a chef.

I tell you.

A cook!

It doesn't mean anything.

He's a fool.

My son will be a man when he grows up, understand?

He'll be an educated professional.

He won't be singing and dancing in people's shadis.

Mama.

Can you do this for me? Make a mucchi and on my eyes?

Why, beta? For my dance with Ayesha tonight.

Okay.

Why can't you do something useful?

Like some exercise or reading your schoolbooks for a change.

Look at you, a big huge hulk.

Can't spend your whole life singing and dancing.

Why not? What do you mean, why not?

You don't do any exercise. You don't even play cricket.

You don't read a book. Just sleeping all day and watching TV... and now this new nonsense, dancing!

Why? You also took Mama's dupatta and danced the night.

Don't compare yourself with me. You're just a kid.

But right now you said I'm big now.

That's it. You're going to boarding school. Decided!

Since when?

Beta, Papa and I are only talking about it.

No, I have made up my mind. We are not-

Let me talk to him.

It�s going to be good for you.

Soon Aditi's going away. You'll be so lonely at home.

So we thought you'd go to boarding school. You'll have so much fun.

You also have been trying to send me away to boarding school.

No, beta.

That school is much better than this school.

We thought you'll go there and there'll be so many boys your age.

You'll really enjoy yourself. No, I don't want to go.

I won't go. You do what you want.

We're just doing this for your own good.

It'll make you a bit tougher. It'll be good for you.

I hate you! I hate you both!

You don't even understand one thing about me.

Don't you talk to me like that!

Fine! I just won't talk to you at all.

Varun. No.

Please, son, Leave me alone.

Happy now? Happy with what you've done?

I didn't mean to upset him like that.

Why couldn't you say something?

Don't talk to me, okay? Just don't talk to me.

Aditi.

I'm sorry I lost it out there.

I didn't have any right to talk to you like that.

You had every reason to be angry.

Someone broke my heart too a few years ago.

I know how hard and confusing it can be.

I really appreciate your telling me about Vikram.

You didn't have to but you did.

That honesty means a lot to me.

I know it's a risk, but what marriage isn't a risk?

Whether our parents introduce us or we meet in a club... what difference does it make?

I know we can put this behind us.

I really do.

I believe this can work.

I believe we can be happy.

As for the question of whether we should get married or not... it's really for you to answer.

Here's yours. Especially my mom.

Yeah, exactly. Sure.

How are you? Very well. How are you doing?

Ladies and gentlemen, attention, please.

Welcome... beautiful, beautiful, beautiful ladies... and gentlemen... and, of course, lovely children.

Today's sangeet for our beloved Aditi... and our dear son. Son-in-law! and marriage will take place tomorrow.

Rahul, Rahul.

Are you the only bartender here?

I ordered a Bacardi Coke 20 minutes ago.

Just a second. Rahul.

- Gin and tonic, no ice, lots of gin. Make that two.

Sure.

Move, man. Sorry. Chill.

Welcome.

Who's that clown?

That's my dad.

Varun, you can't say no now. Please, Varun!

Listen, Varun, please.

I told you, I don't care about anything anymore.

I don't care, and that's decided.

In my opinion, you Punjabis are way too ostentatious.

In my opinion, you Bengalis are way too pretentious.

Touche, Ria. This is Jibesh, Vandana.

This is Mrs. Rai, Aditi's ma-in-law to be.

Ria, get me a rum and Coke. Please go get it yourself.

Please. I would, but I know so many people who know my parents.

Please, just get it.

- We will start this evening... Okay.

with a spectacular item... by our own beloved Ayesha.

What's the matter? Varun won't do the dance anymore.

Shit. I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't know what to do-

Rahul, you can do it. You've seen us rehearse the steps so many times.

You're crazy! You can make up the steps as we go.

You said you love to dance.

Please, I'm begging you. I need your help.

I can dance, but it's not a nightclub in Melbourne, you know.

I can't dance to this music.

You're such a

I just fell from grace.

Darling, you have to be standing up in order to be able to fall.

If you keep sitting on your ass, nothing's gonna happen.

Meaning, sweetheart, the main thing is... you have to fight the battle.

Come on, girl, that's it!

Nobody is to sit. Everybody come and dance!

Come on.

Let's stay up all night together.

Really. Let's talk.

Talk? Why would you want to talk?

Alice.

Here comes my kissing cousin, Aditi.

Hi, lovebirds. Okay, okay.

I can only handle one woman at a time.

Oh, really?

Don't tire yourself out. Tomorrow's the big night.

And don't corrupt my elder sister, huh?

I don't like kissing.

Typical man.

No, I get so confused about what to do. Does your tongue go right in?

Does it move around? Does it stay still?

- Makes me too nervous. Don't think. Just go with the flow.

Don't think? I wish I could do that.

Kissing could be great... but my mind starts whizzing with the weirdest thoughts... and suddenly I'm thinking of some banal, practical thing to take care of.

I don't know what the big deal is. I know all about kissing.

- Really, baby? Accha. Everything?

Yeah, what's the big deal?

No big deal. It�s gross.

You open your mouth and he sticks his tongue in.

Don't you know? That's how older people kiss.

Let's go. I feel exhausted.

Bye. See you, Varun.

Mama, I want to sleep.

Yeah, Mr. Culkin, one moment.

I'll go help, huh?

She's so sleepy.

I'll take her out for a drive, okay?

I don't want ice cream.

Strawberry ice cream?

She's tired and cranky. I thought I'd take her out for a drive.

Yeah, sorry.

Ria? Ria, what's happening?

What's the matter, Ria? Just let her go.

Let her go from what? From you, you bastard!

Ria, have you gone mad? Maybe she's had too much to drink.

What happened?

It wasn't enough that he touched me when I was a girl?

You had to teach Aliya how older people kiss?

Ria, stop this nonsense. What did you get out of it?

I didn't even have breasts, you sick man!

Seven afternoons.

Seven afternoons of how older people kiss?

Ria. You took my clothes off.

Ria stop! Open your mouth Ria.

Will you stop it? Don't touch me!

Don't touch me!

Now he's doing it all over again to Aliya.

She's lying, Lalit. She's lying.

You don't want to believe me?

Then fine. I'm not a part of this.

I'm not a part of you.

Say something, Lalit. She's lying!

You know I don't lie, chachu.

You know it! You know I don't lie!

She's lying, Lalit.

Unmarried girls like Ria, they make up all these fantasies.

Ria, Ria.

Ria.

Ria, you can't go away like this. Please.

She's mad!

The girl's going crazy!

Lalit.

Please, Mama.

Ria?

Ria?

Ria.

Come. I want you to come home with me just now... and I don't want to listen to anything, please.

Just change your clothes and come home with me.

I'll wait for you in the other room. Don't pretend like nothing happened.

Ria, I'm not pretending. You are, you are!

I don't even know how to console you.

What you have gone through, I can't even imagine it.

Ria, if you don't come home...

Come home, Ria.

I don't even know what to do.

I don't know what to do, Ria.

My hands are tied.

Tej bhai-sahab and our family goes back a very long way.

Then why are you punishing me?

I'm not. And your sister and your mother?

Listen to me. I cannot break up my family.

I cannot.

Please don't ask me to make that choice.

I don't know what Surinder bhai-sahab would have done in my position.

I know I can never replace your father... but you're my child now.

My family means everything to me.

Please don't leave us.

Please.

Ria, if you go...

What's your name, little girl? Aliya.

Very nice. Look up. Smile.

Okay, smile.

Very nice. Beautiful. What a lovely family.

What's your name, please?

Ria.

Come in front.

Hold it.

Eyes wide open... and one, two-

Everybody now, smile together, and watch the birdie.

And three. Very good.

Okay, last picture. Big smile, please.

Okay, thank you.

I miss you so much, Papa.

I'll go out and receive the guests. No.

I can't do this.

I can't. I'm sorry.

Lalit. I don't even want you here. Please.

I cannot allow this, bhai.

I cannot.

Both of you just leave my home and my family and go.

Lalit, what are you say- I don't want to say any more.

Please don't make it worse.

No, I don't want to say anything. Please don't make it worse.

These are my children, raji... and I will protect them from myself even if I have to.

Please go.

Ready?

The soaked in-laws are here.

Verma family, forge ahead!

Get drenched, bloody fools!

Should I wear it?

Take the groom in. He'll get wet.

Be happy.

Long live Mr. and Mrs. Dubey!

Dubey and his lovely bride!

It's your own tent. You won't get wet.

Fabulous waterproofing, Dubey!

The bride is coming!

Watch out!

The wedding garlands!

My son, Umang!

My darling son, you're here!

Bring on the music!

We finally made an Indian out of you!

Come on, Mrs. Dubey! Let's dance!