Valentines Date (2021)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Hey ♪ Hey ♪ Hey

[Priest]

Daryl and Lola, two beautiful people by the power vested in me on this sanctified day, standing here before God, I now pronounce you now, now and forever husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

[crowd cheers]

- Well.

- Aa!

- I was jus...

- The question Daryl was for your wife.

You must give her the opportunity to express her truth without interruption.

- Boring.

- Boring?

Daryl.

What?

Look, we pay you by the hour, right?

So if she spends more than half of our time just to come up with insults, what are we paying for?

We can insult each other on our own.

This is why we're here.

No, we're here because the state says we have to be here in order to file for divorce, so let's not pretend like is anything else.

Daryl, Lola, the reason that you are here is, because in compliance with the Family Federal Preservation Act, in order to dissolve your marriage you must complete therapy first.

Doesn't say we have to do it with you though, does it?

[chuckles]

Daryl, you can choose any therapist you'd like; However, good luck getting an appointment this year.

This new law has us all swamped.

We're sorry, Dr. Barrabi, we're just a little on edge.

No apologies necessary.

Call me Angel.

Okay, Angel.

Daryl, it's your turn.

Oh, I get to speak.

What was the question?

What's the sex like?

I asked your wife to describe what sex was like with you using one word.

And she said boring.

Daryl, I want you to express your opinions and feelings as response not to your wife, but as a truth, honestly speaking to me.

Dead fish.

Daryl, I need you to use an adjective to describe what sex is like with your wife.

I didn't know this was a English class.

Okay, dead fishy adjective meaning is like having sex with a dead fish.

- We get it.

- Lola.

Okay, Daryl, I understand what you're trying to say.

Daryl and Lola, during these sessions it's really important that you don't interrupt one another.

You might just discover something you were unaware of.

Lola, what do you think Daryl likes most about the person you are today?

[scoffs]

I don't know, my ass.

Is that an honest answer, or is that a sarcastic one?

Honestly, I don't know.

I mean, when we first got together he used to compliment everything I did, everything.

Now I could build a house from the ground up.

I could get a promotion on my job.

Hell, I could save the world.

Matter of fact, I could even suck his d*ck from the back and he wouldn't give me a thumbs up, so to answer your good question honestly, my ass maybe.

Daryl, what do you think Lola likes most about the person you are today?

That's easy she likes the fact that I make less money than her.

Is that an honest answer, or is that a sarcastic one?

That's a sarcastic answer, and it's the honest answer.

Look, I'm an accountant.

I hate my job, but I'm too far into my career to change, and I make good money, but she makes great money.

I am the only black woman at my firm I have to represent.

Anyway, she's always tired, and the job is the excuse which is why the sex is dead fishy, and I want to divorce because I don't like fish.

I want some f*cking chicken, and lamb whatever else is out there.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, I understand the reason that you are here is because you want to divorce, okay, I get that; However, during our sessions I asked that you not use the word.

As you know, it is my job to bring you back to marital bliss.

- Good luck with that.

- Good luck with that.

I'd like to do an experiment with you.

Have you ever heard of hypnotherapy?

Hypnotherapy?

Wait, you mean like you dangle a watch in front of us, and then we fall asleep go to the sunken place and wake up barking like dog?

Yeah, I'll pass.

So you believe it works then?

I think it's a bullshit.

So you don't believe I can hypnotize you?

Definitely not.

So you have no reason not to go along with this bullshit therapy then, right?

Wait, wait, wait, I didn't sign up for this.

I don't wanna spend another month trying to get another appointment with a different therapist, do you?

No.

Just play along with it.

Wonderful.

Close your eyes.

[Daryl and Lola sighs]

Everything in this world moves on a rhythm.

Imagine the rhythm of your breathing.

The rhythm of your heart beating.

Imagine the rhythm of your blood flowing through your veins from your head to your toes.

Imagine the rhythm of the air blowing through the trees.

Imagine the cars 40 feet below you.

Imagine the rhythm of the water flowing through the ocean.

Imagine the solar system moving in unison.

Imagine the rhythm of the earth around you.

Imagine the universe and it's rhythm.

When I snap my fingers I want you to open your eyes.

[snaps fingers]

- Oh my God.

- Oh, oh shit.

Doc, what did you, what did you do us?

It's okay.

Why do I feel sad?

Yeah, I'm crying.

Are these tears in my eyes?

Yeah, mine too.

Please, please, it's okay.

Please sit down, it's okay.

Everything is okay.

You just came out of hypnosis.

The reason I wanted you to undergo hypnotherapy was so I could get to the root of your problems, and recommend a treatment.

I know it can be a little disorientating when you're coming out, but I promise you, you won't be barking like a dog anytime soon.

Okay doc, you win, it worked, you happy?

Are you happy?

How did you feel when you woke up?

- Sad.

- Sad.

What did you do to us?

What did you make us experience?

Daryl, do you wanna know as well?

Definitely.

Okay, I took you both through scenario exercise.

In the exercise your mind constructs a world according to the guidance the therapist gives you.

And what was that guidance?

I instructed you to construct a world where your spouse simply cease to exist, and then live in that world for a year.

Hell no.

- Hell no doc.

- [chuckles]

Yeah.

I appreciate what you just tried to do and everything, but no, I don't believe it.

You probably put like drops in our eyes to make us cry when we're asleep but tell the truth.

I mean, it's a little far fetched.

I tell you What?

Why don't you just go ahead and sign this, and we will be out of your hair forever.

What was the last time you guys watch the news?

Oh, we don't have cable, you know, we just watch it off of the internet.

We're saving money.

Antenna?

Too much information can be a bad thing.

Newspaper?

Why are you so worried about how we get our news?

Well, the state just updated the law.

Marriage preservation effective immediately any couples seeking dissolution of their marriage must have 50 hours of therapy.

- 50 hours?

- 50 hours?

Yeah, 50 hours guys with the same marriage counselor.

You could move, refile, qualify, and then get your divorce there.

- Yeah.

- Okay doc, realistically, with your schedule how long are we talking?

The only reason you got an appointment with me is because I had a couple who reconciled, so honestly, 49 one hour treatments will take about three years.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I cannot go another three years with this man.

Doc, this is probably gonna sound like a bribe, but we have money.

We have about $20,000 saved up and we're looking for a place to donate it to, maybe we could donate it to for your...

To your hypnotherapy research.

Exactly.

So you want me to compromise my company, my job for you?

I'm sorry the law is the law.

I may have a solution to your problem but it will cost you in more than money.

Name your price.

When was the last time you all went on a date?

[Lola scoffs]

It's been a while.

It's been too long.

Oh, is this my fault?

Usually I only recommend this to couples that I think just need to tweak their marriage a little bit.

There's an experimental intensive therapy program.

It's very hush hush, and it's something like a couples retreat, but it's much more intense.

You just want it to be over and I can see that.

So here's the deal I am authorized to offer alternative therapies in lieu of our visits.

Here's the deal complete the training, and you get the paperwork that's the deal.

And what happens if this doesn't work?

I mean, you see how he acts, what if he can't handle it and he bails out, like he bails out on everything else?

I don't bail.

I follow through, I give 100% everything I do of anything.

I'm worried about her dead fishing in the operation and getting us kicked out for not trying.

Look, you've already given each other seven years of your life.

Next week is Valentine's Day.

How about you all go on your last date?

It sounds like a shit show.

Guys, please it's up to you, you can do the retreat, or you can do 49 more sessions with me, or you can stay married and work out your problems, but for today our session is over, so please make your next appointment at the desk.

[saxophone music]

[ambient music]

[door unlocks]

[door closes]

[upbeat music]

Put your hands up, beautiful, beautiful.

Ah, nice.

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

[techno music]

You can touch down right there.

Just put it down right there.

Good job nephew.

[techno music continues]

[indistinct]

[laughs]

Let's get one more come on.

Coming, coming, coming.

Ooh, that boy good right there.

Woo, all American.

Where the hell are these people?

Hey mommy.

Hey baby.

Is that DJ?

No, my man likes it when I talk to him like he's five years old.

Mommy, do I still have to go to bed at the same time at my uncle Glen's house?

Listen, you've been a good boy, and you can stay up as late as you want just make sure that it's okay with uncle Glenn.

Are you behaving, are you playing nice with your cousins?

Yes mommy, what's an areola?

Areola?

- Junior, hey daddy.

- Hey champ.

Yeah, me and mommy love you, and we miss you, and we'll be back to pick you up soon.

- You're having fun?

- Yes.

Good, be a good boy and pass me to uncle Glen.

Okay.

Hello.

Glen, why is my son asking what an areola is?

A areola?

An areola, you know the titty circle, the Oreo on the nipple, why is he asking about areolas?

Calm down he found a dictionary.

Listen, he's asked the letter A right now.

He asked me and I said, "No ask your mother." Oh, okay.

Everything okay?

Yeah, I'm fine I'm just a little stress.

Thank you so much for doing this.

We appreciate it.

Ah anytime siz I got you.

You and Daryl made a good kid, but it's a shame it didn't work out.

For what it's worth happy Valentine's day.

Hello, hello.

Okay.

Come on we outta here man.

Who the hell is this Mr. Savelove anyway?

I don't know, it's definitely a fake name.

Sound like an '80s porn star.

Yeah, like a '80s James Bond villain.

With an eye patch and a long dirty fingernail on his Pinky.

Yeah, I know, a little cat with no hair.

Like a gollum from "The Lord of the Ring Gollum King".

[laughs]

Yeah.

Hello, and Happy Valentine's Day.

Daryl and Lola congratulations on your decision to take the Save Love Challenge on this special day.

At Save Love Industries we bring couples together through experiential therapy which uses real life decision making to reinforce the essential values that form the basis of our relationships.

Today 614 couples have gone through our experiential therapy.

As of this day 612 of those couples are still very happily married.

One couple died in a tragic accident and you are couples 614.

That's right, your experience has already begun.

Now beneath the seats you're sitting in is a box please pull it out and open it up.

Oh, go ahead now.

All right, when you open the box you will find that there are two truffles, one for each of you.

Now these truffles are nothing more than a sweet self-dissolving sedative.

Now experiences here are necessarily discrete, so you will take the sedative, and then you will wake up in your experience.

The Best of love to you Daryl and Lola.

[TV goes off]

[suspense music]

Oh my God, where are we?

Shit.

[Groans]

Where are we?

[suspense music]

What in the ghetto "Hunger Games" is this shit?

Where's my phone?

What the hell?

Oh my God.

I can't believe I let you convinced me to do this dumb shit.

You know, they probably have already stolen our identities and emptied our bank accounts by now, and left us here to die.

Oh, so now it's my fault.

Well, you're the one that wanted the quick divorce.

Oh, don't play the blame game with me.

We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you.

If you're so perfect then why don't you figure out a perfect plan so we can get the hell out of here and be done with each other once and for all.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Shit.

- Shit.

Well, we can't stay here, 'cause we'd be crispy critters by morning.

Yeah, we probably have enough water to lose maybe like a couple days.

24 hours.

- Not the way you drink.

- Whatever.

- Daryl?

- What?

What is that?

Is that a dead body?

Oh shit!

Hello.

Go look.

[screams]

- Oh, blood, blood.

- Okay.

Is he dead?

Definitely dead, - definitely dead.

- Oh God.

What in the actual f*ck?

Oh my God.

Why did I let Daryl convince me to do this?

This is not good.

We gotta figure out who this guy is.

Well, check and see if he has an ID or something.

[suspense music]

All right.

Well, grab it.

Here, I need your hacking skills.

Oh, you need me.

- Just.

- Okay, the phone has like, a sliver of battery left, but there's one problem, it needs facial recognition to open the phone.

Okay.

Yeah, definitely has like, two minutes of battery tops.

We can either make a phone call, or look, there's a message.

Let's see if we make a call there's the possibility that the ringing will use up the rest of the battery?

Yeah, and I don't know any phone numbers, do you?

911.

Oh yeah, and what are we gonna say when they answer?

Ma'am, where are you?

Yeah, plus, the message might have some clue to who the hell this guy is and where we are.

Final answer?

Final answer.

Okay.

[Savelove]

Hey, Bobby, this is Mr. Savelove.

Hey, you're just a few hours late for your check in, so I thought I'd check in with you, and I know this is the paranoid in me speaking, but I got a little worried that maybe your old friends in Organized Crime had caught up with you.

Now we know this is a stretch, because this is the very reason we send you on these remote South American type jobs to keep you safe from these people, and obviously if you're gonna start an experience in a remote location you might not have the signal.

So you know what, I'm just gonna let you do this operation with no training wheels.

Enjoy your weekend with Daryl and Lola.

They're pretty much doomed to fail, but you know, we can't win them all.

We will see you all in the rendezvous point on Monday.

Godspeed.

Did he just say South America?

- Oh my God.

- Not the south of America, South of f*cking America.

Oh my God, this is so crazy.

Why did I even let you convince me to look here?

Oh look, there's like a paper or a script.

Please be a map.

A map?

It's a script with instructions.

Instructions for Save Love's handler.

Participants will wake up this orientated, read them the following message.

Your name is insert name here, and I will be your handler for Save Love's adventure.

The purpose of this venture is to give a last hurrah to the couples planning to end their marriage.

You should view this weekend as an opportunity to say and do things that will leave you both with no regrets as you embark on your separate lives.

On Monday, Monday at 8 a.m. the adventure will end, and we will all be picked up and taken home.

In the meantime your mission is to survive.

Make the most of what you have.

After that walk towards a helicopter dramatically and climb in.

The participants will try to ask you questions act like you don't hear them.

When you get into the helicopter, yell back at them dramatically with the following words, "Very important, if at any point you want to quit this adventure and forfeit your payment.

You can do this by lighting the flare in your bag.

Only I will know what it means "that I will come pick you up." Tell the pilot to hover close to the ground, so that the participants have to cover their faces then tell him to fly away fast.

This will leave them participants most impressed.

I am not impressed.

How to be an assh*le to people who just wasted 20Gs.

Oh my God, oh no, we are definitely getting our money back.

[scoffs]

Good luck with that.

What do you mean?

I didn't sign up for this.

- Well.

- Well nothing.

We just spent $20,000 on getting out of here, so we can get divorce and this is not what I signed up for.

We have a hitman on the loose, and the guy that was supposed to help us is now dead so we have no way to get out of this nightmare, so best believe I am getting my money back, and I am suing the crap out of them.

- On Monday.

- Monday.

Today is Friday.

We have to survive in this until Monday.

What do you wanna do?

We can't stay here, so I'm looking this way and all I'm seeing is nothing.

So we will definitely run out of food and water before we hit civilization.

If we go this way we got the mountains, and that's a tough hike, but we'll have some shade, might find some water, and we'll definitely well we might find a cave too.

A cave?

Do I look like a cave woman to you?

Do you have a better idea?

Oh God, just k*ll me now.

Don't tempt me.

Don't start.

[backpack zips]

[sighs]

What's the point?

[sighs]

So the mountain then?

What choice do I have?

[ambient music]

Good morning.

Good morning.

[sighs]

I guess you're not so useless.

What are you making over there with those astronaut meals?

We have Mexican chicken stew, beef ravioli.

Sounds delicious.

[guitar music]

It's actually pretty good.

What are we gonna tell Junior?

I don't know.

Honestly, why don't we say we grew apart?

What does that even mean?

It's something most couples say when they go through a divorce.

It seems to fit us.

I wish we weren't.

Yeah me too.

[sighs]

Well let's hurry up and eat, 'cause we need to get to that cave before nightfall.

I don't think I wanna sleep on these rocks again.

[suspense music]

Daryl, I can't walk much further.

I figure we got about 15 more minutes before we get to the peak.

Can you tough it out?

Well yeah, let me just get some water.

Daryl, I don't have any more water.

I thought I had another bottle in here.

Daryl I don't have any more water.

- I think I drank less of it.

- Oh, I got one, I got one.

It's okay.

Thanks.

You know, we've been through way worse than this.

Remember that time we got robbed and stranded in Detroit.

[laughs]

Yeah.

No phone, no shoes, no money.

And nobody believed us.

Yeah, 'cause everybody thought we were crackheads.

We did look and smell like crackheads.

Well, you looked like Samuel L. Jackson.

I looked like Halle Berry.

All right "Jungle Fever" yeah.

Anyway, we could get through this.

[Lola sighs]

Right?

Yeah.

Let's go on our date.

Daryl?

Yeah.

This is the worst f*cking date ever.

[laughs]

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentines.

Oh my God.

[groans]

I'm so thirsty.

I'm tired.

I'm tired, and thirsty, and hungry, and I don't know which is worse.

Is that what I think it is?

[chuckles]

Yes, it's the top.

How much further do you think it is?

[groans]

About three hours.

Oh no.

- [sighs]

I can't.

- Come on.

I can't take another step.

You need to.

I don't plan to die here with you.

I need to.

Actually look, I think I found something.

Come on.

Come look.

Come on, Daryl.

Come on.

Look.

Check, open it up.

Well, be careful 'cause it can be a b*mb or something.

Really?

[Lola]

What is it?

- It's water.

- Oh my God.

And it's still cold.

[Lola pants]

How is it still cold?

I don't know zero fucks given.

Who do they belong to?

Really, it doesn't matter.

You know what?

Let's package it up and get outta here.

Not bad.

I don't wanna spend another night on this mountain.

Yeah.

Matter of fact, did you hear a howling last night?

Oh my God, did you lick my toes last night?

Ah, in your dreams.

I mean, I'm serious.

It was either you or coyote sniffing around me and licking my toes.

Why would a coyote sniff and lick us and not eat us?

Because we stink?

Speak for yourself.

You stink on a normal day, so I know you stink today.

A matter of fact, it was probably your stinking ass that saved us last night.

[laughs]

You got jokes when you get a little water in you.

I'm just saying.

It could be one or two options, either coyote lick my toes or you did.

- Whatever.

- Whatever.

Wait a minute, what if this was all a part of Save Love's Adventure?

You know, like, when the marathon organizers they leave refreshments along the route.

Okay, but how could they possibly know that we will end up in this exact spot.

I mean, that is true, our tour guide Bobby did get m*rder*d.

Unless Bobby's job was to drop us in the middle of nowhere, and let us fend for ourselves, and remember we did all those personality assessments.

So maybe they just calculated what logical decisions we will make all the way up until this point.

Right, but they probably figured that we would see the city from the top of the mountain's peak and then just give up.

Exactly, 'cause remember even when we were on the mountain when we first started climbing the mountain the only route that we could logically took without mission impossible style mountain climbing there was only one.

So in theory, if we make logical decisions the whole way through it shouldn't lead us to safety, or at least help us survive until Monday.

Okay, but what happens when your logic and my logic are not the same?

Shit, I don't know.

[sighs]

We'll just talk it out, like we did in the desert.

Pack up the waters in your backpack and let's go.

It's okay.

[backpack unzips]

[Lola]

Make sure you get all of those, Daryl.

Yeah, yeah.

[backpack zips]

Hurry up.

[suspense music]

[car engine revving]

This is some kind of a mirage.

[Miguel]

Hello amigos.

Americano.

Oh my God.

American?

You is Americano.

Do you understand English?

[Miguel speaks in foreign language]

I mean obviously that person is a Mexican.

- [speaks in foreign language]

You're two Americano, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

[Miguel yells in foreign language]

This is the part where his friends harvest our kidneys.

[Miguel speaks in foreign language]

Okay?

[Miguel Speaks in foreign language]

My sister she make a bet from moneys and chips, do not touch.

[speaks in foreign language]

She says you guys are Africans, and I said [speaks in foreign language], come on.

See that the problem is, I watch a little bit of MTV, okay, so that's why when I see swag I know what it is.

Baby, but when I look at you the scheme, J Lo, baby good.

And you my friend [speaks in foreign language] those Timbs, Brooklyn, baby, Brooklyn, [speaks in foreign language].

You're good, okay man.

Let me get something, you rapping and you hoochie mama.

Hoochie mama, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay, my English not very good looking.

I meant to say a baby mama.

Oh, no, I'm definitely not a baby mama.

- Technically, you are.

- I am his wife.

My name is Lola this is Daryl, you are?

My name is Miguel and my sister, let's say, so are you, you know?

Yes, am I?

You rapping, you know, you're a rapper?

You know what?

When I was in the ninth grade I was rapping.

I know what you're meaning.

They call me MC Deep Cuts.

Yeah, because your toenails were so long.

MC Deep cuts.

Close enough.

Daryl is an accountant we're trying to get to the US Embassy.

Do you know which way we go?

You got any water, you got water?

Water, water, you got water?

- No, sorry we're out.

- We ran out.

Your loss that way.

That way?

No, no, see we just came - from that way.

- Came from that way.

We just walked a day and a half from that way.

Well you did okay.

You're [chuckles]

but you [chuckles]

you're right, I mean that none of my business, but if you wanna walk then no impossible you need the plane, fly, plane, airport 200 away you gotta go there, no, no, walking babe I'm sorry, but they like to see but I don't know.

But why don't you just okay.

- Mm-mh.

- A plane?

I'm sorry my English not very good speaking I'm sorry but you got money for the plane?

- No.

- No.

When okay, I mean, that no money, no plane.

No embassy no way, hey wait, ♪ No money ♪ No plane ♪ No embassy Right, that like the first one mate, the first one rapping I'm rapping the first one.

You like it 'cause it's a bit slow but we can pause, pause, pause we can do both.

Oh my God.

- Nice rap, Miguel.

- Mmh.

- We got robbed kind off.

- Mm-hmm.

And they took all our money and our phones.

No, okay.

- So we need.

- I didn't do it.

We have money but we need to get access to the internet, so that we can get our money.

- Really?

- Do you have like a phone that we can use?

Can we borrow your phone?

Is like a little complicating, okay?

This town is called Nophono, okay.

It used to be among steering until we tell you we relocated.

- Nophono?

- Nophono, no phoning mean.

The police that was in there they don't [speaks in foreign language].

He [speaks in foreign language].

He left the police hall to become an [speaks in foreign language]

and the mayor of this town, and since then there was no crimes for 100 years.

And then somebody decided to travel to the city [speaks in foreign language]

and get a cellphone.

So what do you think is gonna happen?

[speaks in foreign language]

They try to sneak it into town, and guess what?

Within a week the first crime, so since that no [speaks in foreign language]

e-mail, Yahoo, Messaging, no, and the closest city is 300 miles away, so the only visitors we get is when all those monks beginning to pray and then to the hotel, so sorry no, Messaging, Yahoo, no internet [speaks in foreign language]

We got TV only internet.

- We are so f*cked.

- So f*cked.

You guys need a place to stay tonight?

Tonight right?

- Right.

- Yes.

[speaks in foreign language]

My cousin is the owner of the hotel.

You got money?

No.

Didn't we just cover this?

Yeah, we already went over this.

Well, no money, no hotel, no, I can't do that, no, my cousin, my primo is very serious, very serious about money.

No money no hotel, I can't do it, no.

- I'm good are you?

- No, I can't do it.

Okay, what about this, Miguel, what if MC Deep Cuts - writes you a rap.

- I don't play like that.

- Yeah.

- And you get us a hotel night for tonight and tomorrow night.

Yeah, fire.

Yeah it will be the best rap, and you'll become super famous.

Super famous.

You dare do that for me?

I got you.

No, I don't like it.

I don't like it because you putting me we best friends, we go through a lot and put me in difficult position.

I no do that.

I give you the free night, okay, I do that because I like you, but after that my cousin I'm telling you, I don't even like him, he dangerous, he gonna want payment after the first night, and those bars better be fire, aight?

I thought you didn't speak English well.

I know a little bit come on [speaks in foreign language]

I know for a bit but when it comes to sex, drinking, moaning, Lisa f*cking Lisa, man.

Miguel, do we have a deal?

I like your Timbs.

Okay, very nice.

My friend we thank bro, okay, west coast.

Okay thank you.

Yeah, common themes I like it.

All right, no walking.

Want a ride?

I can't walk another step.

We gotta ride in a Hearse.

Come on let's go, hurry it up, let's go, very nice.

Hey one friendy, it's a little full.

Hey, Bennie [laughs]

on the back let's go, let's go.

Well, vamonos, come on, come on [speaks in foreign language].

Let's go.

Oh shit.

Is there somebody in there?

You don't talk to her, she don't talk to you.

Let's go time, come on.

Ladies first.

[scoffs]

Daryl.

Be careful.

Okay baby [speaks in foreign language].

See that.

That's how you do it baby.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct]

[upbeat music continues]

[sighs]

Oh my God.

[door closes]

[cheers]

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh yes.

[sighs]

[Daryl sighs]

[Lola sighs]

I'm sorry, are you missing something?

Oh, last night we slept on the ground.

Tonight we're in this hotel room, we have this bed.

Yeah, but we still have nothing to eat but MREs.

I guess this is better than nothing.

Come on, come lie down.

Really?

Relax, stick boys, it's just a nap.

What happened to us?

I don't know, we got trapped in the middle of nowhere with so with some dead, mafia m*rder, hitman.

I mean, we have no phones, no passports, no internet.

I'm serious.

What happened to us?

[sighs]

I don't know, we're just humans, I guess.

I guess what I'm saying is every time I think about something shitty that you did to me I think of something equally shitty that I did to you, and then I remember something shitty that you did to me before I did a shitty thing to you, and I guess, I just don't know where it all started.

I mean, I understand we've been together for seven years, and I honestly can't remember the last time I liked you.

- I mean...

- Damn.

Don't get me wrong, I love you I just I can't remember the last time that I was in love with you.

I mean sometimes you're so ugly to each other that you get to a point that there's just no return.

Yeah.

[sighs]

You know what?

We're here now, like for whatever crazy force of nature brought us here, we're here now, so maybe we should just do what Dr. Barrabi said.

It's a date.

Let's try to enjoy it.

Deal?

Deal.

But what are we gonna do tomorrow night?

I don't wanna stay outside and be homeless again.

Usually people think better well rested.

Let's get some rest then we'll figure it out when we wake up.

Okay.

[ominous music]

[bangs on door]

Coming.

Where'd that come from?

Who knows left outside.

I mean, obviously it was a mistake.

Let me go give it to the front desk.

Oh, not so fast.

I'm saying maybe there's something in there we could sell.

Oh my God, you are so grimy.

Babe, I'm saying if we don't come up with a plan we're gonna be sleeping on the streets in Nophono today.

I think we at least owe it to ourselves to know what's in the bag.

Wait, what if this is all part of Save Love's experience?

Miguel is so f*cking weird, [Lola chuckles]

And no phone, no internet.

I mean, what are the odds that his cousin owns a hotel?

I see your point.

What if what you're saying is true then doing the most logical thing should lead us to what we need.

f*ck it, open the bag.

Wait, what if there's a b*mb?

Now it's a b*mb.

I'm serious.

Oh my God, you watch too much action movies.

Open the bag.

Open it.

And if it is a b*mb?

If it's a b*mb we can sell it so we don't have to spend another night outside.

Open the bag.

[Lola gasps]

It'll feel like $5 million in here.

What are we gonna do?

Well, I'll tell you what we're not gonna do, we not turning it into the front desk.

Let's pack this shit up and go get us some food, and pay for another night at the hotel.

Aint gotta tell me twice.

Let's go.

Hurry up.

Let's go.

Waiting on you slow poke.

Almost done.

Wait a minute.

Back there you call me babe that's how we feeling?

[sighs]

We're in a truce right now.

Truce till we survive this thing.

I'm tired of arguing.

Truce.

[door opens]

[guitar music]

We did that.

Oh yeah.

Do you know what we didn't do?

- What?

- We didn't shower.

[piano music]

Damn.

You coming?

[piano music continues]

[shower runs]

[upbeat music]

- What was that?

- Somebody is pissed.

- Open the door.

- Or what?

You missed the drop.

- My boss...

- Your job was to wait until I get the money.

It wasn't dropped off to me, all right, so I'm sorting it out now, but I need more time.

[Man]

You have approximately three seconds, one, three.

[g*n fires]

Oh shit.

Someone's got to report this to the cops.

We gotta get out of here.

We cannot stay here.

Let's go, let's go.

Let's get the f*ck outta here.

- Let's go, let's go.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can't leave.

We gotta calm down.

They don't know we here.

Someone just got m*rder*d.

I know but if we leave they will see us.

Look, the way I see it the best thing to do is to stay in the room.

We order room service and we don't f*cking leave until Monday morning.

No, I'm getting the f*ck outta here now.

Listen, to me we only got two options, either we stay here or we go and sleep in the mountains, or we can't sleep in the streets - 'cause we're too conspicuous.

- No, no, no, no, I'm not sleeping in the mountains one more night.

Then it's settled.

Oh God.

I'm scared.

Come lay down with me.

[ominous music]

Quiet.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For cheating on you.

[Suspense music]

That's it.

You're not gonna say anything?

I cheated on you too.

What?

Hold up you have been treating me like shit lately and you cheated on me too.

Daryl you got me f*cked up.

[Daryl]

Sorry.

Who did you cheat on with?

No, matter of fact I can't even believe you right now.

Seriously, after everything.

You've been walking around here treating me like I'm some sort of damaged goods.

[Daryl]

Okay, you wanna know?

Why Daryl, tell me why, tell me why Daryl?

I'll tell you, I will tell you why.

Because...

I can't make it even, okay.

I slept with that girl out of spite.

With an empty heart.

I couldn't even even enjoy it, 'cause I kept seeing your face with him.

You used to be my only obsession, but you k*lled that.

Daryl, [sighs]

look, I know I f*cked up, okay, and you f*cked up, we both f*cked up, [ominous music]

But it's not fair for you to treat me like shit, because of one single moment, one mistake, and I'm gonna own that, that is my truth that I cheated on and I'm sorry, I am so sorry, but for you to sit there and act like all the good things that I do means nothing.

[sniffles]

Okay, I just want you to promise me one thing, Daryl when it comes to our son, that you're always gonna be there for him.

That you are gonna be the kind of father that he needs to steer the boat even when the waters are rough, because he needs you above anybody.

Look, in the divorce I don't want anything, I don't want your money, I don't want child support, no alimony, I just I want us to be friends like we used to be.

I'm being petty as f*ck.

[both laughing]

Oh my God, you are being petty.

[both laughing]

I forgive you, Lola.

Let's just never talk about this again, and let's never fight in front of our child again.

Agreed.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

Oh Daryl, get up, get up, get up.

[Machete shushes]

[speaks in foreign language]

First things first, if you scream you die.

Good morning to the happy soon to be divorced couple.

Don't be mean say good morning back.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

In my culture it's very rude to start a conversation before brushing your teeth, so please...

go brush your teeth, so we can have a polite conversation.

That's enough get back over here.

Sit on the bed.

My name is Alfonso Mundo Matamoros Doohan Ramon Nunez Pinyon, Jr, but my friends, and my enemies know me as Machete.

You have the option to be a friend or an enemy, either way you will call me?

- Machete.

- Machete.

Very good, very good.

You're a smart couple.

I know you grew up poor, but now you are more educated than most of the US population.

You have a suburban lifestyle.

You have an honorable kid.

You pretty much have a perfect life.

Let me tell you about myself.

I too, have a family.

I have a beautiful young daughter, a fantastic wife.

I work for the person who that money was supposed to go to.

You see right now we should be in the middle of this thing.

The man next door he's an Interpol agent.

He was supposed to make a transaction with my boss, and he was supposed to record it and provide it to Interpol so they can arrest my boss, and in exchange me and my family we're supposed to move to a new country and start a new life.

But somebody bust the drop and you guys wind up with the money.

[sighs]

Let me ask you this, and do not lie to me, did you spend any of that money?

Yes.

[Machete sighs]

[Machete screams]

[g*n fires]

Okay.

[Sighs]

But anyway, my boss is pissed, but I'm sure I can explain it away as a misunderstanding, and we can make this deal happen again, because after all we got the Interpol agent k*lled.

You will impersonate the agent and his mistress.

You will record the interaction on this webcam, get the video to Interpol, and then you can go home and I can start a new life.

Look man, we're really sorry, We're not the type.

But we're not that, just not, - I'm a lover, not a fighter.

- And I'm an accountant.

Both of you will do this, you understand?

Or I just k*ll you now.

- We'll do it.

- We'll do it.

Daryl, you're supposed to be a high town criminal who moves from place to place, so the authorities can't find him.

Lola, you're a prost*tute that Daryl has rented indefinitely.

Both of you have to look like you come from the underworld, if you want my boss to believe you.

I serve as head of security, so I will be the one standing next to my boss receiving the money, and counting it so the money won't be missed.

Be at this address with a briefcase at 12 o'clock, high noon, do you understand?

[upbeat music]

All right, we got like one minute before we're supposed to be in there, - and I can't f*cking breathe.

- Just breathe, Daryl.

Oh my God.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

No.

- Not this shit again.

- Okay.

- Focus, focus, focus.

- Okay.

Breathe, take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Okay.

I need you to be the guy that you are whenever we're at the bar and someone is looking at my ass.

That guy, I need you to be him, okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

You feel it?

- Do you feel it?

- Yeah.

- Shit yeah.

- Yeah, okay, okay.

- I got this.

- Yes.

Our life Insurance is paid up, right?

Yeah, three months in advance.

Good, good, good, good.

- I need to tell you something.

- I need to tell you something.

- Okay, you go.

- Okay, you go.

- Go first, go first.

- Okay.

If we don't make it outta here alive...

Don't say that.

We gotta have a plan.

Okay, what?

If we don't make it outta here alive we gotta tell Junior something heroic.

We can't let him think we died doing some kind of freaky drug deal.

Okay, that'll work.

- All right, cool.

- Let's go.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Wait, what did you want to tell me?

Oh, nothing.

Let's go, let's go.

You might not get another chance.

Let's not get k*lled.

- Good idea.

- Okay.

All right.

Daryl?

Let's do it.

Put your glasses on.

Okay.

All right.

I have the burn, I've got the burn.

Let's go.

[ominous music]

Well, well, well, so you finally decided to show up with my money.

We'd some problems with the drop, but we here now.

Do you have the money?

[suspense music]

It's all here boss.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Wait a minute, what about our product?

I see who wears the pants in this relationship.

Your product will be delivered whenever you pay the full value of my services.

Look, you don't know who you messing with.

We brought you the money now you give us our product, or else shit.

I've always considered banks a rip off.

Yet, they are a necessary rip off.

I mean, where else can you get a service that is guaranteed against any extenuating circumstance.

In banking, late payments cost you interest.

It's fundamentally there after all.

You two came highly recommended by my head of security.

Now I've taken your integrity for granted, so can you imagine how disappointed I would be if you decided not to treat me fairly by not paying me the interest you owe me.

How much?

Double.

The higher the stakes the higher the interest.

Boss?

[mumbles]

My head of security believes I should show you the products so that you would be sufficiently motivated to get my money, so there you go.

$5 million dollars worth of West African blood diamonds.

But I don't think you are sufficiently motivated, so I've prepared a little show for you.

Our mutual friend Machete here should know better than to ever question my authority in front of my men, so to prove his loyalty he is now going to cut off his hand.

Whoa, whoa, you do not have to do that.

Yeah, we're motivated.

We're fully motivated.

Boss, please.

Do it.

Boss please, I'm just doing my job.

We don't, pleased don't.

Don't do this.

- You don't have to do it.

- Machete.

- Please.

- Do it or die.

[Lola]

Machete, don't do it.

No, please let go of me.

No.

[Machete screams]

[knife thuds]

[suspense music]

[punch thuds]

[g*ns firing]

Oh God, oh God.

[g*ns firing]

Nice drop back there.

Thank you.

I meant her, but you do all right.

Thanks, Machete.

We play a lot of video games.

- Yeah.

- I bet you do.

Listen, if I don't make it out of here I need you to take that front camera to this address, and make sure that they get it.

That will guarantee my family's freedom and their future.

I need you to promise me.

Please promise me.

- We promise.

- We promise, Machete.

Okay let's get the hell out of here.

Go that way take a left and run.

- What about you?

- I'll be right behind you.

[ambient music]

Well, [laughs]

I don't have to tell you that, that did not go as planned.

You think?

[both laughing]

[all laughing]

Let me just say that of course we have already refunded the money in full, and let me just say how incredibly sorry I am for what you've had to endure.

I even brought Dr. Barrabi along, because I was afraid you might be tearing the flesh off of each other right now.

I must say you guys look different.

Well, we were starved.

We were stalked by coyotes.

Got shot at, forced to write a rap.

Yeah, and we had no internet and no phones.

Witnessed a bunch of murders.

Bunch of murders.

Yeah, that might have changed us a little bit.

A little bit just a mich.

I understand, okay well, I brought something today that I think might cheer you up.

Your signed the paperwork having completed therapy.

Congratulations.

[somber music]

- Nah.

- Nah.

[papers tearing]

Can we get the hell out of here?

- Absolutely.

- Yes, yes, of course we can.

Your Save Love express chariot awaits.

Oh no, no more surprises what the hell is that?

Oh, it's a helicopter.

- Okay.

- Okay.

[upbeat music]

♪ Yeah ♪ This is MC Deep Cuts ♪ And I wanna introduce y'all to my main man ♪ Miguel aka Miguelito aka the undertaker ♪ They call me the undertaker ♪ I drive a Hearse ♪ Be money maker ♪ You bring your girl around me I will take her ♪ In my town I'm a shaker and baker ♪ I rep for my city Nophono ♪ No internet service, no phono ♪ You pick up the phone no tono ♪ We don't have

[raps in foreign language]

♪ Shout out to my nephew for the ♪ You know you come to Nophono is your love ♪ Yo Deep Cuts come get on the mic ♪ But them bars better be fire, aight ♪ Deep cuts is the hip hop legend ♪ Cool love is the hip hop queen ♪ We stick two days in the desert ♪ Can't tell you the shit we've seen ♪ Deep Cuts is a haven father ♪ Me and Lola wasn't feeling that scene ♪ We went through long time hell ♪ But they still couldn't break this team ♪ We had to fight some fools ♪ Back like Bonnie and Clyde ♪ Travel half way around the world ♪ But our dreams are still alive ♪ We got an awesome kid ♪ We got a decent life ♪ We have tenacious life ♪ And enjoy being man and wife ♪ Ah ♪ And that's how the story goes ♪ Shout out to Maverick Entertainment ♪ Delta Robin crew ♪ Best of luck to all of y'all ♪ Peace ♪ We outta here Good morning.

Welcome to your Save Love Adventure.

My name is Daryl and I would be your guide.