Sleeping with Other People (2015)

[bunniefuu]

Matthew!

Hey!

Where are you?

Matthew! Hello!

Stupid, dumb shithead!

♪ Lot of snags ♪

♪ Lot of holes lot of cracks ♪

♪ Lot of crags ♪ God!

Matthew, are you gonna f*ck me, or what?

On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet. On it like a bonnet Alright, fight club, what the hell is going on here? I'm a guest!

Unless someone signed you into the building. You are not a guest.

Alright? Please. Aw, man! I miss my friend.

Don't take that tack with me. My friend lives here...

Please don't put me in this position.

Why are you doing this?

I'm gonna have to call the campus police.

Well... uh, now, Jordan, uh, she's my guest.

Uh, my... She's your guest, Harper?

Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah.

She's, uh... Hi, Stephanie... hi, uh...

Yeah. Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Stephanie... Sanders.

Stephanie Sanders. Right here.

Take care of her, okay? Oh, yeah. No, I got this.

This is all taken care of. You don't have to worry about that.

Thank you. Okay.

Thanks, man. Sorry. Thank you.

Oh, rock and roll. What?

I said, rock and roll. Oh.

Alright, this is uh... This is us.

"Us." You're funny.

Nice porn.

Ha ha. Yeah. Ha...

Nice panties.

Who are you? I'm Jake.

Lainey.

It's a nickname they give to people named Elaine.

Elaine's great name.

It's like, Elaine! Elaine... Hey!

If you ever even mention The Graduate again, I will slit your throat.

Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up.

Welcome to my Thursday night. Huh?

You, uh... You wanna watch porn?

Smoke dr*gs?

Ugh! This sucks!

Mm. You know what I was gonna do tonight?

Judging from your outfit, I'd say scale a mountain?

Lose my virginity. Hold on a second...

You were gonna lose your virginity to Matthew Sobvechik in 11B at Wein Dormitory?

He's the TA in my pre-med bio class.

I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him.

We fool around after he teaches me things I already know.

Jesus! How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag such a delightfully unhinged hottie by being the most boring, f*cking guy on this entire floor is beyond me.

Well, I'm in love with him. Come on.

There's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik the Pontiac Aztec of people.

Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobvechik is basically the same thing as me telling an Aborigine in the Australian outback that he's about to listen to the Beatles for the first time, and then I play him Blues Traveler.

That's a cruel joke, for I will have just tricked him into thinking Blues Traveler is the greatest band of all time, okay?

Now, if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobvechik you would be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life.

And that barely covered vag*na of yours deserves better than that.

It doesn't deserve John Popper, it deserves John Lennon. Okay?

You understand me?

I'm talkin' about, like, the "White Album", not "Hook."

Tell me what sex is like.

Oh, my God! You've got a one track mind.

f*ck you. Enlighten me.

You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh?

Mm-hmm. Tell me. Okay.

Better be ready.

You ready? Yes.

Sex is like, uh...

It's like kissing with your entire body.

Very sensual experience.

It's like sh**ting heroin in a... in a controlled yet moist environment, you know?

You know what it's like ...it's like... it's like Times Square at night.

I mean... just the right tinge of danger.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

What?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So I haven't technically...

...actually really done it yet.

Why're you laughing at me? That's not...

But you're so old.

f*ck you. I didn't call you an old virgin.

I'm not... I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You're so cute.

Why're you giving me shit?

Y-you can't get the most boring dude in the dorm to sleep with you.

You know... that... I mean, that's ridiculous.

You're the one that's should be...

No, I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I'm... I'm...

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset.

I thought... I was just joking around.

You know, I thought we were joking around. So I was joking.

This was all, just very romantic and then you just f*cked it up.

It was?

What is this?

Get it off.

Jesus.

I'm so, so sweaty. All this on...

You're incredible.

You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day.

♪ ...smile upon you ♪♪ Okay. Alright. Mm-hmm.

Here we go? Mm-hmm.

♪ That girl's stuck in your head ♪

♪ Let down your... and make them stare ♪

♪ You know it's not too late... ♪ Hey! Hey, Hannah!

Hannah!

♪ 'Cause it's a thrill to give you ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ It's everything you dreamed of ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ I can remiss... ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ If you just don't blow it ♪

♪ Everything's going down ♪

♪ Everything's blowing but you just can't stop it ♪♪ Hannah! Leave me alone!

Oh, come on. Look, I could do this all the way to Brooklyn... f*ck you.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Easy. Easy.

Hey, did you see me take out that cab? Sydney Bristow style?

Thank God you stopped, okay? Please. Please...

You're disgusting. I'm... okay. Maybe you're right.

You might be right. How could you f*ck her, Jake?

I look, sorry, I... Ow! Ooh! That got me!

How could you even kiss me after you f*cked her?

What are we doing in the middle of the street?

Ugh! Because I hope we f*cking die!

Will you get... whoa! f*ckin' please, come on!

Let's get off the street, okay? Okay, look, look, look, look, look.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, I appreciate your anger, I really do, okay.

And Lord knows, I could use the exercise but I do believe there are exactly 3 points we should discuss, okay?

First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity I distinctly recall you saying something about "staying casual," yeah?

I only said that... Most likely because you thought that was what I wanted to hear, yes?

Yes. Okay. Well, me taking you at your word doesn't make me an assh*le, it does however make you a liar.

Ugh! You're such a piece of shit...

Hey. Second... second point. Okay?

If you really, actually wanted monogamy why have casual sex with me for three months?

You know, I mean, If you wanna grow flowers, you don't plant 'em in a closet.

So either you're stupid or deep down inside you don't want monogamy either.

You f*cked my best friend.

Which brings me to my third and final point.

Your chief complaint is not that I screwed someone it is who I screwed.

That's what it's about, right?

So much like your, uh, the counter-intuitive plan to secure an exclusive relationship with a guy that you don't actually wanna date.

Moi. Your issue with me and Sarah...

Do not say her name. Was a lot...

Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity.

Not to mention, a culturally infused female competition.

Oh! My heart goes out to you ladies.

Baby, you're a bad liar.

You're not stupid.

And she can't hold a candle to you.

Can we please go home?

Please?

You know, get out of these wet clothes.

And dry each other off using friction.

Yeah?

Yeah. Good.

Whoa!

You got a girlfriend, Charles? No.

Playing the field, hmm?

Be careful.

You know? Why?

I don't know if I have time to answer that.

Wow. Bathroom f*cking stinks.

Um, what were we talking about? So I said to Jack.

I said, "Jack, Lainey and I, we're looking to buy.

Maybe have a kid."

I hope it's okay that I said that, by the way.

I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you?

Because I know you don't wanna get married, but you know I do think it's important we make some sort of commitment to each other and I think buying a place, maybe Kensington maybe Prospect Heights.

What's up, little nugget, what are you doing with the notebook?

Sam. I have to read you something.

You've been writing again?

Sweetie, that's great! No...

I was never writing. Honey, yes!

It was one short story... Yes! That is great!

No, listen. Listen...

I wanna tell you something, look at me.

Look at me, okay? I know you love teaching.

But that's not a real thing. I mean, this is great. This is...

Can you please just not interrupt me while I read this, please.

Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it. I won't.

I don't think I interrupt you, but go on.

Don't. I don't.

Please don't interrupt. I would love to hear it.

Okay, mister. Wow me.

Sam. Lainey.

"My therapist suggested that I attend a 12 step program for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession..."

I'm sorry... beep, beep, squeak, um, hello...

Did you say "Love addiction?"

"And romantic obsession..." Sweetie. Sweetie.

You might as well face it, you're addicted to love. "Obsession..."

Huey Lewis. No, it's Robert Palmer.

"That I've had for the last 10 years.

"As a result I have been able to stay faithful to you for the past 6 months..." Okay, let me just stop you because...

I feel like... Sam, I'm trying to tell you something.

I know. I would love to hear what you're telling me. Sam.

Can you listen to what I'm saying to you... I'm trying to.

Yeah. I'm listening.

"I wanna move forward in our relationship in an honest way."

Oh, I know it. Bein' Honest ...honest, critical appraisal is the foundation...

Sam, I cheated on you.

You cheated on me?

Baby, how many times?

16.

I don't even know 16 guys.

16 guys... No, the same guy.

16 times.

Who? It doesn't matter...

Tell me who. It doesn't...

My brother? No.

Was it my brother? No.

Was it my brother? Stop.

You know I'm not attracted to your brother.

Who's so f*ckin' hot?

Who is better than my brother?

I'm not gonna tell you... I deserve to know.

No, I'm... I deserve to know.

I've been getting his second f*cking servings.

I've been tasting his sweat. Who's juices have I tasted?

If I've been drinking his juices, I wanna know who it is.

I'm not gonna involve him in this and make things worse.

Oh, oh. You involved my brother when you f*cked him 16 times!

Who can tell what that f*ckin', swarthy man...

What? Get out of here! Get out of here!

Please! Why did you have to do this in public were you trying to humiliate me?

Look it! Look it! He's looking! I'm embarrassed.

You won! I was sacred that you would freak out.

Yeah! Oh, well you thought right.

Get ready for a Classic Sam freak out!

Sam, wait. I'm sorry.

Please, please, don't leave... I'm sorry.

I wanna make this work. I'm trying to get better.

You can't get better.

Lainey, you're not an addict, okay?

You're just a whore.

You're a whore!

You're a f*ckin' whore!

Before I started this program I thought "love" was a feeling.

But that's bullshit, it's not a feeling it's a decision, like everything else.

And I see now that when I was in my addiction I made the decision over and over again to choose sex over my self-worth.

And it doesn't mean that I don't like sex now it doesn't mean that I'm not a sexual person. Gail.

I don't need to go trolling online looking for women to go down on.

I don't need to f*ck 8 guys on one night.

I don't deny what I've done. I embrace my past.

Yes, I did once call one of my neighbors in the middle of the day when he was at work and said, "Grab some condoms and meet me at that delicious soft pretzel place." Who cares?

I did let someone put a protein bar up my ass once. Big deal.

I did hack into my supermarket's Instagram account and posted a picture of my assh*le and said, there was a sale on assh*le.

And then said, "Come and lick my assh*le if you're bald."

Of all the gin joints.

No way.

Jake. Yes.

Oh, my God. Were y-you just in that meeting?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure was. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Had to get out of there, though. It was making me super horny.

Wow. It's been... What? 12 years?

I think it might actually be longer. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. You look good.

So do you. Thank you.

Wow! The "Old virgin."

Don't you mean the one that got away?

Stop. Oh, last thing I remember, we had that... awesome night together and you just sort of...

Disappeared. Oh, plus you were all hung up on that guy that lived next door to me, the boring guy.

The, uh, Marcus, or, uh...

Matthew. That's right.

I heard he's a lady doctor now.

Oh? Yeah.

You ever see him around?

I assume like... doctor things?

Aren't you a doctor now? Oh, I didn't do that.

I didn't end up going to med school.

Oh. I teach...

Cool. Now, yeah, kids.

Great. Kindergarten.

Alright.

You? What do you... what do you...

A buddy and I created this CDN and we're selling it to a digital media provider... And you're bored already?

No. You just asked me.

I know. I'm sorry. I have to...

Respond to that booty text I assume, right?

Oh, come on, Lainey.

I was watchin' you in there.

I saw ya. Checkin' your phone every 5 minutes.

All that tension in your shoulders. Legs crossed, playin' with your hair...

Why are you here? Hmm.

To pick up women? No, no, Heaven's no.

No, not women, no. Just you evidently.

I'll see you around.

Hopefully not here.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm on Facebook!

What... a weird thing to say out loud.

You know, I have one last question... actually... Oh, come on. Come on.

It's like... um, when I sign this, what happens to everything that Xander and I worked on, like, all the content we created?

We dissolve all past and current product. And you'll work exclusively for us.

Yeah. Right. Time to settle down.

That's true. That's true. But what if we have... No. No.

I will straight up m*rder you if you do not sign this immediately.

Xander, I'm lookin' out for us.

You're lookin' out for us? No, I'm lookin' out for us.

You're being a d*ck... Here's the thing, guys.

I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do.

So if you wanna reopen the terms of the contract, that's fine I'm just gonna go grab some lunch.

No, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. Okay. You know... y... you just...

You don't have to go for lunch yet.

Okay.

Congrats, boys. You have officially sold out.

f*ck yes!

Oh, my God!

I really thought you were gonna f*ck this up. Me too.

I really did. He fucks everything in life up. Yeah, yeah, I do.

I have two beautiful children both are gonna have ridiculously terrible teeth.

So you're getting braces, you're getting braces you're getting braces!

Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with?

Dinner maybe? How about brunch with my folks, you'll love them.

You're smart, handsome... Thank you.

And now have stocks vesting until 2018.

You can go get any woman you want.

Really? Well, I still choose you.

Why? Because I happened to be in your eye-line?

Possibly because you're uninterested.

Most likely because you're stunning and successful.

I'm divorced. His loss.

I have a kid. I love kids.

Kids love me. I basically am a kid.

And I don't sleep with my employees. I quit.

Goodbye, Jacob.

Congrats. Thanks.

Huh. What?

Paula's somethin' else, huh?

Yeah, she really is.

She was vibin' me pretty hard in that meeting.

Well, you're a married man. Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her.

'Cause I was, like, I didn't wanna embarrass her... Yeah, yeah.

That's good. Let her down easy. Yeah.

Good afternoon, Dr. Sobvechik's office.

I'm sorry the doctor's not available right now. May I take a message?

Elaine. Elaine Dalton?

Yes, um... sorry. It's Lainey. Only my father calls me Elaine.

Mm-hmm. Dr. Sobvechik will see you now.

You didn't have to make an appointment.

This used to be our move. Me pretending to be a patient.

You look great.

It's been a while.

I get worried when you disappear.

Me too.

It's really good to see you. W... what do you wanna talk about?

I can't see you anymore. I agree.

Yeah. I think...

We need to be over. I asked Emma to marry me.

I mean, she kept bringing it up.

Thought it was the right thing to do.

Dr. Sobvechik's office...

Oh, you and Emma got back together?

Yes, uh... uh did I not tell you that?

How is Sam? He is... fine.

Good.

Glad we ended it face to face. You were right to come.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you erase your number from my phone?

I won't be able to do it.

Is this what you want, Elaine?

Yes.

I want it all the time. It's all I think about.

Good afternoon, Dr. Sobvechik's office.

I'm sorry the doctor is unavailable right now.

- He's getting married. Who would marry him?

Like, can she consent? Is she in a coma?

I mean, who is this person? Where do you find her?

Some sort of, like, website for people who want to have a horrible, painful life...

I think I need to stop having sex all together for a while.

No, alright. The problem isn't sex.

The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your vag for like a decade and now you're a pod person.

But maybe if I'm not having any sex...

And become a sexually anorexic? No.

What? Is that a real thing?

Yeah, of course it's a real thing.

Sexual anorexian. It's like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem, or abuse or other gnarly shit.

That's great. That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing.

It's like enough with this shit.

Sobvechik! It's like enough!

I mean, you can do so much better.

I don't care if it's a woman or if it's somebody else just anything but the schmuck.

I feel like people are looking at us.

The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting.

What do you think that means?

It's a sign.

You should f*ck that guy. A lot.

I don't think everyone should just be running around f*cking willy-nilly, okay?

In your specific case I do think you should f*ck that sex addict.

♪ One look in the mirror ♪

♪ And I know the party is over ♪♪

You have lipstick on your teeth.

Thank you. This is my wife! This is Blainey.

Lainey. Lainey... with an L. Oh.

What's wrong with you?

Never make it end. This is, uh, Lainey! Lainey, Naomi.

Oh, may God. This is my wife.

sh*ts. I'm getting everybody shot. sh*ts for all round. We're going to keep it going.

Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now.

Okay, stop screaming that. Rich as shit!

I'm telling you, someone's gonna m*rder us if you keep screaming...

I don't care. We're in a cool bar. I just bought a Tesla!

That's not true. We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it.

Yeah. Listen, are you guys, um...

Are you guys sleeping with each other? No.

Oh, good. Oh, my God, good. What're you guys talking about?

I'm telling her not to have sex with you! Sorry.

Oh, yeah, well you're too late! 'Cause we lost our virginity to each other!

Are you serious? You didn't know.

Yeah, I told him earlier. We all knew. You didn't know!

That's a beautiful story. Yeah.

So romantic. Right!

Here we go. Bring it in.

To virginity! To virginity!

Get lost.

Here we go. I gotta go. I just gonna go outside for a...

That was good. Naomi still has her a**l virginity.

That's not true. A lot of guys have been up there, just not you.

Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl...

Lainey, her name's Lainey. Lainey. Lainey, I'm sorry.

Quick question before you walk out the door...

Are you the reason that my friend Jake here is like, the biggest slut in the world?

What are you doing? I'm saying, like he puts his d*ck in like, every sticky hole he finds.

That's not true. It gross.

Xander. But like I'm jels.

Come on.

No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm just kidding. I know it's not you. I know it's not you.

I know it's because his dad molested him. What?

What? Now everybody knows!

He was a boy scout leader.

Yeah. Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome.

How am I welcome? I just set that up for you.

Wait a minute, where is she going? Yeah, don't let her get away.

Dude, you gotta chase after her.

She's your lobster, man. I know. Okay, alright.

She seems...

Awesome. Amazing.

Hey, Lainey!

What are you doin'? Where are you going? Sorry, sorry, yeah.

I just... I wanna thank you for tonight. It was great.

Just go... go in and have fun with your friends.

I just... I Facebooked you because I thought...

I should start dating again, I'm trying to get over this guy...

Was this supposed to be a date?

Oh shit, it was...

Oh hell. I'm an idiot, I'm sorry, I'm a d*ck.

I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know. I...

Well, hey... hey, how about we go on a date?

This is a date now. We'll go out.

So now it's... Yeah, it's a date. Let's go on a date.

This is good. I'll go inside, I'm gonna get my jacket then I'll come out and we'll, uh... date it up.

Matthew Sobvechik? That guy had all the charm of a broken Etch a sketch.

It feels so freeing to tell someone about it. Who actually knows him.

Okay, you're gonna have to explain this to me. I mean, is he packing? Huh?

Is that what's going on? Does it tip in hundreds?

Read you the Polar Express before bedtime?

You know, it's pretty average actually.

Ah, Goddammit! Even his junk is boring.

God damn boring d*ck!

That's so weird, and you're a catch! It's true.

You know, I'm serious. You've got a strong vocabulary.

You look dynamite in a t*nk top. It's just... what gives?

I guess...

I guess, I just thought eventually he'd choose me.

Mm-hmm. And so I always chose him.

If he texted I'd think of an excuse. I'd lie, I'd...

That's psychotic. Mm. Thanks.

Well, I mean it's not your fault.

You know, little girls are told that someday they're gonna find the one.

What they don't tell you guys is that the one might be a complete f*cking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all into a sex addict that's what they leave out in the Disney movies...

I'm not sex addict.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me neither.

I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested that I go, that it... that it might help.

But it didn't, so I stopped. Okay.

What's your excuse?

Me? Yeah.

My girlfriend said if I didn't go she'd break up with me.

So I went to a meeting.

She broke up with me anyway. I'm cured.

Well why did she want you to go? I don't know.

She... some have suggested that I have a little bit of a problem staying faithful for long periods of time... Or possibly at all.

Oh. And it all comes out.

Look, once I come to the realization that I'm with...

...the wrong girl...

Mm-hmm. I don't know how to end it.

So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people? Mm. Exactly.

Yeah. Obviously they get upset but then comes the whole rigmarole of, like, "You're afraid to commit" and it's like "No, I just don't wanna commit to you."

But I can't say that, because that's, like, mean on top of mean.

You know, so it's "No, no, no. It's not you, it's me.

I don't like you."

You know, like that. Yeah, that's harsh.

That's harsh, right You can't say that. That's pretty harsh.

So instead I'd rather just say something like...

"I f*cked your sister."

Much better. Well, it's honest.

You have to f*ck the sister in order for it to work.

It's like I'd rather... Be the bad guy than tell the truth.

See. You get it. Oh, yeah. But I'm psychotic.

But like an approachable psychotic.

That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier. You like it?

Yeah, it's like... it's like Ted Bundy, you know.

You can't get him into a van by just being a jerk.

You've got to have a certain...

...way about you.

Appetite? That would be... that would be something.

Yes, yes, yes. I'm hungry again.

Already?

Well, you know, that's Dim Sum for you.

I have snacks... I have snacks at home. Yeah.

I have, uh, this is actually... This is my train.

What here? Oh, yeah, yeah. So...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright.

So, I'll probably gonna hit the road.

Yeah. Jake, thank you.

Yeah. Oh.

Hey, this was a... We did it. That was a good date.

We did the date. You know, I think it was the first...

I think it might have been the first date I've ever been on so I don't really have much to compare it to but, you know, it seemed solid.

Good. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Shit.

What?

I, uh, I want to f*ck you.

What? I know.

No! What do you mean no?

What? What? What did I do?

Stop wanting to. I mean, are you kidding me?

It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable and it's just like you might as well be wearing a sign that says

"Solve my problems with your penis, Jake."

Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how we screw up every sexual relationship we've ever have.

I know, I... I right. I mean, and yet here I am like wanting... just now.

So, maybe... we gotta just be friends.

Yes, that is the mature, responsible thing to do, uh...

...for each other and ourselves, yes I agree.

Okay, but then we've got to come up with a system.

If we're gonna be friends, you know... Okay.

And I want to be good friends... It's fair.

So, maybe we come up with a safe word for if we're having sexual tension and then we'll stop whatever...

So, if you're doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy.

Or feeling attracted. Okay, but it's mutual?

So it is mutual? The word.

You're saying it's mutual?

It could be mutual. That's a yes.

I may or may not need to use the word. That's a yes.

We'll have to see in the future... Hmm. Okay, alright.

Well, let's... well, alright. Say, uh, say it for me.

Uh, yeah. Anything. Let's go, come up with one. What you got.

I'll do anything. What do you... You pick it, and yes.

It's Avocado. No. Can't do that.

No. It's an immediate veto? No, no, no.

Well, I mean, it's too sexual. It's too sexual. Uh...

"Avocado" is too sexual? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean... I mean you've got to see the way I eat an avocado and you'll be like...

That's like... You know, do that to me.

It's like Guam. Guam? Like the country Guam? No!

No, I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally had one of the best natural bodies I've ever seen in my life.

Noodle salad.

"Noodle salad?" that's a sex thing.

That's a... that's... What?

That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into someone's mouth.

That's... that's called a noddle salad.

That is not a thing.

I mean it absolutely is a thing. I know it's a thing.

Go to noodlesalad.org... Now, I feel like you're just trying to find problems.

I would make the argument that you are just suggesting only things that can only be perceived as sexual.

So, okay, so it needs to be more violent. Mm-hmm, something extra.

Yeah, I mean... d*ck in a mousetrap!

Yikes! What is that?

Oh! That's awful!

You don't like it. No!

That's the one. What? Are you kid...

We'll shorten it to mousetrap.

Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye. Mousetrap? Alright.

Uh-oh. Goodbye.

I'm going. I'm going for it.

Yeah. Live on the edge. Goodnight.

Careful. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

♪ And your face will surely show it ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪♪ Yeah!

Good singing. Good. Alright, free play.

Everybody play.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Lyle, no, no, no, no.

No. Alexander had the ball first.

Here we go. Why did you take it from him?

Hey, no. We've gotta use your words. We don't do that.

One of my students reminds me of you.

He's devastatingly handsome?

He reminds me of us.

He has no one to play with and gets angry.

So, nobody wants to play with him

'cause he's angry all the time.

No dates, huh?

Haven't met anyone. I've been busy.

Studying for the MCATs, you know. You?

Nothing. Nada.

Have you texted Voldemort?

Trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something.

Oof, mousetrap.

You should text me what you want to text him.

"I miss your cock in my mouth.

"I miss the way you feel on top of me.

I miss making you cum."

Whoa, since when are you a porn star with k*ller grammar?

That's how I text with him.

Okay, well you're sending porn star vibes instead of Lainey vibes.

You're one to talk.

You're a completely different guy with me than with other ladies.

That's not true.

If you want someone to fall for you you gotta be you.

Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce him to other people.

Night.

That was fun.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

♪ Treat me like a fool ♪

♪ Treat me mean and cruel ♪

♪ But love me ♪

♪ Wring my faithful heart ♪

♪ Tear it all apart ♪

♪ But love me ♪

♪ I would beg ♪

♪ And steal ♪

♪ Just to feel ♪

♪ Your heart ♪

♪ Beatin' close to mine ♪

♪ Well if you ever go ♪

♪ Darling I'll be ♪

♪ Oh so lonely ♪♪ He looked so normal.

Like he hadn't even noticed that we stopped sleeping together.

No, no. He noticed.

He's just not thinking about it the same way, you know.

Right. Right, great.

I'm a guilty slut and he gets to be a...

...you know, heartless alpha male who f*cking jogs!

No! That's not it at all.

To Sobvechik, you're like...

...you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party, you know.

Like in a second he has to make a decision.

Do I go home now, or cancel everything tomorrow?

You know, no pre-meditation means no post-meditation.

It's not like months from now he's thinking

"Oh gosh, I... I wonder how crack is doing?"

Or... or "I hope cocaine isn't mad at me."

You know, no dude thinks like that.

Except Aaron Sorkin.

Are you saying I'm crack cocaine?

Yeah. Don't sell yourself short.

We wouldn't have "The West Wing" without you.

Ohh! What is wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you. Are you kidding me?

You're great. I mean, your funny, you're sexy, you're...

...cool, like... Oh!

What? You run out of compliments.

Yeah. No. Uh, do you remember that girl Renee?

Had a spectacular time with you last night.

I'm at lunch. Just tried calling you.

Have you ever thought about taking a road trip?

At least respond so I know you're alive and okay.

GIF of a panda dancing!

Seriously, are you okay?

I was on the subway, did you text me?

f*ck me then ignore me. Nice one, Jake!

Photo of a dog dressed as a n*zi.

I have chlamydia. Okay, I was joking!

I do have HPV though and I hope it's the one that gives you d*ck cancer.

Emoji of a heart. XXX Renee.

Well, that's sort of normal.

You actively stalked someone today your perception of normal might be a little skewed, my dear.

Okay, you slept with her. Mm-hmm.

Rocked her face. Mm-hmm.

Yes, with my body. You didn't call her.

I lost my phone in a cab.

And you unleashed her Khaleesi. Yeah. Wait.

You mean like "Game of Thrones" Khaleesi?

Yes. Either A, we make multiple babies with you.

Or B, we cut your d*ck off.

Jesus. I... I've got my fingers crossed out here for an option C.

C, you appease her.

And how do you appease your Khaleesi?

I spend about a month's rent on this.

What do you think? Yeah.

I mean, you should definitely wear stuff over it.

Nice neg. Mousetrap.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪ Hey, you've reached Lainey. Leave a message.

Hey dude, it's me. I haven't heard from you in a while.

So I'm gonna guess you either finally f*cked Jake or you got into med school either way, mazel tov.

Happy Hanukkah. Wherever the f*ck you're into.

Okay, call me back. Seriously Call me back.

Just pick a TV and we'll get out of here.

So tell me what happened. Oh, right.

Okay, yeah, so, uh, I've been seeing this girl Thea, alright?

Uh, she's Black.

And... Wait stop.

Does this story end with you doing something super r*cist?

Oh, my God. No!

Why are you telling me she's Black?

I don't know. I... I'm just trying to give you a mental picture that's all.

Okay. r*cist. Keep going.

Okay. Well, we go see a movie. During the day.

And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous but I do what we talked about. I do not sleep with her.

You're so strong. I'm so proud.

Hey. Not all of us can remain celibate for a year, alright?

I'm just waiting for the right guy.

The white guy? Whose r*cist now?

The right guy. Oh, the right guy.

Oh, the one you waited for 10 years. That right guy?

You know, he's married now, that one?

What're we doing in this aisle?

Can I finish my story please?

I wait 4 days and then I call her and we go out again.

- Mm-hmm. Alright. No, sex.

I mean, we hook up but I don't, like, finger her or anything.

Awesome.

So I call her last night and I'm like

"Hey, do you wanna go see the new Wes Anderson movie?"

Ugh!

What? Well, and then she's like...

Jake, what are you doing?

And I'm like, "Oh, of course Wes Anderson is a such a stupid white guy thing to suggest," you know.

Okay, r*cist. And also dumb. Yes. Mm-hmm.

You two need any help?

Uh, no, no, we're good.

She just takes a while to make a decision.

I do. Yeah, you got it. Yeah.

So I'm like "Well do you wanna go see something else?"

And then she says...

Why haven't we had sex yet?

Do you just want to be friends?

'Cause honestly I have enough friends.

Where are you right now?

Oh, my God!

Oh!

That was awesome.

Oh, my God.

Oh, golly...

Oh, sorry if I was too noisy, but that was like...

I don't know what got into me.

Hey.

Did you, uh...

No. Oh.

But don't take it personally.

I don't orgasm during sex that much.

So? Lots of women don't cum during sex.

So? No, no, no. That has never happened to me before.

What positions did you do?

Um. No. We did everything.

But, what's your favorite position?

I don't know. The regular one?

The regular. Come on.

From behind. Exactly. Because you hate your dad.

Oh, my God.

Mousetrap!

All set. Hmm.

And can I just say, we think you two are the coolest married couple ever.

That's... We don't get that enough. So sweet.

Thank you. That's really sweet.

Yeah. Happy holidays. Let's go, hon.

Happy holidays. Yes.

I will just meet you out by, uh, our minivan.

I'll meet you out front. Okay, great.

I'll have to move the car seat. Mm-hmm.

And then there will be plenty of room. A whole thing.

Bye.

Car seat? We already have a kid?

You know, it's just like... When do you orgasm?

You know what, when does it happen to you?

When I'm with Matthew. Yeah, yeah, okay.

That's it.

That's it?

Okay, well, that just explained everything.

That... that's... I mean you haven't had an orgasm in a year.

Come on, that's bullshit. Not even when you masturbate?

Lainey, you've got to be kidding me!

What you don't mastur... Why not?

What... I don't kno... I mean, I've tried to!

I try. I just, I don't know, I... I...

I get bored. Bored?

But I feel good when I'm with Matthew. How's that boring?

I don't... I don't know. I don't know how to recreate that myself.

Okay. Well, f*ck the TV.

I'm gonna teach you how to finger yourself today.

Right now, okay?

What? It's... it's go time, sister.

Alright. Let's go. Alright. Okay.

No, no. This is a good thing. Oh, boy.

It's about time. Get it out.

Okay. I'm excited.

For the purposes of today's tutorial your vag*na will be played by this former bottle of green tea.

Looks just like it. Okay. Good to know.

So, here's what we do.

First thing, you take, uh, take this guy...

...this, uh, index finger and you're gonna just, uh slide in there... like that, okay?

And you're gonna curve it up a little bit and I want you to tap the roof like that.

You see that? That's your G Spot alright, you got that?

Yeah. I'll check it out. Okay, good.

Alright, now, next move, alright, you're gonna take the middle finger here, alright? And you know, the bad boy, right?

You're gonna have to pop that in as well and you're gonna have that one tapping the roof and then this one, the middle finger is going to be you know, sort of circling, uh, this, uh, just like fleshy gap area.

My cervix? Jesus. Yeah, sure.

Okay, y-you know what it's called. Wonderful. Good for you.

Okay, yes, so you're gonna go after the cervix here.

So you're gonna mind the gap, right, tap the roof.

"Mind the gap. Tap the roof." You got it.

Alright, now, at this point you wanna start thinking about something, uh, arousing.

You know, like, uh, maybe you wanna think about the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps.

Gross. Okay, and then you're gonna start to get wet.

You're gonna start to get wet and then you're gonna start to feel some, uh...

...contractions in your vag*na, alright?

At that point you're gonna wanna squeeze your vag*na harder than it wants to go, okay.

And that's called... Kegeling.

Well, it's pronounced "Kee-gul-ing," but it doesn't matter.

Uh, I got into med school!

I think I know how it's pronounced.

What? You did? You didn't tell me that.

Oh yeah. I got in, uh, Michigan.

Wow! Lane, that's great. I know.

Alright.

Well, uh, are you... I mean, are you gonna go? What are you thinking?

Well, I... I mean, I have until the end of the summer to decide.

So, I just... Mm-hmm.

Keep going! Oh, right. Yeah, um...

Okay, yeah, da, da, da. Okay, let's see.

So, uh, do you know what a dirty DJ is?

No. You don't? Okay, great.

Okay, so the biggest misconception that guys have about the clitoris, uh, if they can find it is that they're too nice to it. Okay? Mm-hmm.

Like... that's the problem.

I mean, you know, the trick is to be a little rude to the clitoris, okay?

Oh, really? Yeah.

Just go to town on this little m*therf*cker right here.

You just... like you just... Tweet, tweet, tweet.

You know, so that's the dirty DJ.

You know, like you're scratching a record. You know, this...

Tweet tweet tweet.

Let... let... let the drummer...

Let... let... let the drummer get wicked, right?

And you just really wanna work that little bugger.

You know, remember like the old IBM ThinkPads?

Mm-hmm. And that little nub. Right?

Okay, so you just really go after it like that.

Just like this. Yeah. Yeah.

Right, so, uh, you have that that's... that's phase three.

Mm-hmm. So, again, you know... Yeah, perfect.

Natural. Okay? Yeah, so tap the roof. I know.

Mind the gap. Oh, see. Okay, yeah. Work all three.

He's there. Look at that. It's like you're doing...

Right there. Oh boy, oh boy.

It's like, I feel like Anne Sullivan teaching Helen Keller about water and everything else is amazing.

What a breakthrough! Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's it. Like that?

Yeah, you know, just take a night crack open a bottle of rose and...

...just have multiple orgasms.

If you want, you know... You know...

Uh, primatologists actually believed that... that women evolved this way so that, uh...

...they could mate with as many men in one session as possible.

f*cking awesome. You know that's... Yeah.

That's neat. Multiple orgasms for multiple partners, you know.

Sure, yeah.

g*ng bangs, and such.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go home. Yeah. Me too.

No, no. You live here. Yes I do!

Okay. Bye!

Bye now. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think... I think it's a little bit weird that a straight dude had to tell you all that.

I think it's sort of great.

I mean, he's... he's actually dating. He's not cheating.

And I... and I hardly think about Matthew. Like ever.

Yeah, 'cause you're in a relationship with each other.

No, we're not.

Oh, you're not out there!

I mean, this Jake guy is taking up emotional real estate that could be occupied by a real option, okay?

You leased the space out to Matthew.

Rent free I might add.

And now, you... you just replaced him with another unavailable avoidant breeder you don't f*ck.

Like where's the f*cking... Hey babe. Sorry, I'm late.

Look at this little baby face.

It's beautiful. Oh, my God.

Very sick in the head though.

Very sick in the head.

How's your fake boyfriend? Oh, my God!

We're just friends! Men and women can't be friends.

It's like life 101. Stop lying to yourself.

Come one! That's bullshit. It's the 21st century.

We know that's not true. You and I are friends.

But sex doesn't get in the way of our friendship.

I'm not attracted to you. And I have zero penises.

I am. Hi, George.

Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend. What? Oh!

I like bad girls with daddy issues.

She's 22, she'll f*ck anyone.

Wait. I'm sorry, no. You know.

Serious, she's probably f*cked everyone in here but I don't even care.

You got a minute?

Not really. I'm kind of in the middle of something.

I was thinking. Oh, yeah?

Do you wanna come to Henry's birthday party this weekend?

Really? Yep.

Xander, in the 8 years I've known you as a father you have never once invited me to any function involving your children.

Hear me out. I was thinking. Mm-hmm.

Maybe you and Lainey...

Ah, I knew it! No. See, Lainey and I are not dating.

I know that. I'm not saying you have to date her.

I'm not saying you have to come as a couple.

I'm just saying arrive at the party together.

Come as friends or whatever this f*cked up thing you guys have...

We're... we're best friends. No, we're best friends!

That's not true. What?

Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and certainly duration you would be my next best friend.

Okay, you know what, I'll even allow that.

You're my last single friend, I can't have you... So what?

Hey. What are you talking about?

Yes. We have a meeting with group sales in 20.

Are you two prepared. Huh?

Not at all.

Should I reschedule the meeting when you are ready? 5 or 6 months from now?

I would make it a cool 7.

Yeah, 7 at least.

Shit, I'm not available then. Oh, well, I tried.

See you in 20?

You got it, boss.

Oh, yeah. Mousetrap What the f*ck is that?

That was repartee. That's... that's exactly why I can't have you at the party.

Because you have repartee with everybody.

You love repartee.

All you want to do is flit around the party flirt with the moms.

And then they all get mad, and then they turn on each other.

Then they yell at Naomi, then Naomi yells at me.

Then they won't let their kids play with my kids.

Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends.

I'm raising friendless children because of you.

Do you understand? I...

It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation.

A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps.

We'll you've spent 10,000 hours f*cking my life up.

So bring Lainey to the party. Okay. Fine.

I will, uh, you know, on behalf of your children and...

...and Naomi, I will, uh...

I'll talk to Lainey and see what we can do.

Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date.

I'm just saying, for the first time I'm a little bit optimistic...

...you might not become that creepy guy.

But he's got a point.

I'm gonna be the creepy old dude!

Like, that's sucks and then what happens when my d*ck doesn't get as hard as it used to, okay.

'Cause that's gonna happen. It's gonna happen, it's inevitable.

And... and young chicks don't put up with that shit they have no time for that.

And older women are gonna be no way near into my nonsense. Okay?

Just not into it at all.

It's... it's at that point, what do I do?

I just buy the fedora and move to Miami, right?

Make a golf cart in my own motor transportation.

I've never seen you like this. I... I... you're spinning.

I can't believe it. I mean... You're spinning, and honestly.

Get... get lucky and... and happy about...

Honestly you sound like a woman.

You know, bachelor, bachelor parties for people third marriages. Like, that's...

What... what is that? That's crazy.

It's him. Him who?

He never calls. He always texts.

Okay, no! Don't... don't answer that.

Jake! Jake! Don't answer it. No.

Give me the phone! No. Absolutely...

Lainey, what are you doing?

Hey, you don't do this anymore, okay?

Remember? We're okay.

I'm sorry, yeah.

You got to breathe. Lainey, please breathe.

Is there a problem? What? Uh, yeah.

My wife, she's prone to panic att*cks.

It's this guy she's sleeping with. Uh, it's alright.

Okay, it's... Hey dude get the f*ck out of here, I got it.

Oh, easy. Alright, alright. Okay? Thank you.

I appreciate you concern, Superman! Fly away.

Baby, just breath, okay? Will you? Okay?

Okay? Here. Come on, sit down.

You're gonna be okay. It's alright.

You just got to breathe. Please. Okay?

Okay?

Yeah. There you go.

Lainey, this is just fear, alright?

A really, really large dose of fear.

That's all that's going on.

A little adrenaline, in a bad way.

Does that make sense?

Also...

...mousetrap.

Complete and total mousetrap right now.

Oh, my God. Stop. You're so f*cked up.

I'm f*cked up? What are you talking about?

You... you went Kathy Bates in "Misery" in the middle of Central Park.

You know... come on. Maybe we're both f*cked up.

At least give me that. Come on. You wanna get out of here?

Yeah, Central Park sucks.

No, it's... I mean, it's just a g*dd*mn bird toilet anyway.

You know, it's... ugh!

Almost done. Just one more.

This is the greatest movie ever made.

Yeah, of course you love it.

Look at her. God I love you.

That's you, baby.

I love you! I'm gonna m*rder you while I love you.

That's the second time you said that. Hmm.

Said what?

You called me baby just now.

And you said it the other day too.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

No, I mean, it was a total accident.

I don't... That's okay.

I don't know why I would... Oh.

Yeah. Oh.

Do you want talk about it?

Talk about what?

We're not a couple bur we act like one.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...

I mean, I guess I've been...

...putting this conversation off for a while.

We don't have to... No. No. No. It's good.

It's good. We should. Um...

Um, okay, well...

You take this risk...

...when you start sleeping with people.

You know, you, uh...

...you risk losing them, right?

For me, I... you know, I've... never slept with someone I wasn't willing to lose.

Except one time.

And, um...

And it... kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan.

And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay because I have no right to, you know, and...

Oh.

So I just want to ...spend as much time with my best friend as I possibly can.

Before I lose her again.

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish. I know it's like...

No. You're telling the truth.

Yeah.

♪ All in your arm it is ♪

♪ All in your arms ♪

♪ You look so tired living ♪ So what now?

♪ Like a kite ♪

♪ Kite ♪

♪ Kite ♪

♪ Kite ♪♪

Hey, I got an idea. Hmm.

Will you...

...take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party?

I literally thought you'd never ask.

You thought I'd never get to this?

I thought you'd never get to this.

Where have you been all my life?

I...

Right over your shoulder.

Waiting.

For the right moment.

Is that a yes or a no?

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Look who it is. Look at this little human here.

Hello. Happy birthday. Hi. Happy birthday!

It's you're birthday! It's you're birthday!

Actually, it's, uh, it's Henry's.

He's seven. She's not seven. Oh.

But, you know, I'm so happy you guys are here.

Oh, my God. Are you guys high?

We're actually rolling. Ecstasy?

You know, that's how actually Henry was conceived.

No kidding. Yeah.

Well that explains a lot. Full circle.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys.

No offense, but seriously, just...

Yeah. Be safe. You know what I mean.

But I'm so happy you guys are here. Okay. It's so good to see you.

Oh, transformers guy didn't show up...

Are you kidding? No, no, no. Oh, my God.

Just kidding. No. Okay. It feels soft and smooth.

No, and so there's a little bit of a meltdown. It's a little bit of a crisis.

Hey, here you go. Oh, is this for Henry?

Yeah. Oh, great.

He loves New York ladies flip flops.

Oh, no, no, no. Those are mine. Those are for me. Those are me.

Sorry, that shouldn't be in there.

It's just a shitload of candy.

Great. Okay. Um, that'll be nice.

Are those hot pads also for Henry? Yes.

Okay. Can I just hold them now?

Sure. Okay, come in.

Okay, hopefully she goes down for her nap.

Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, man, it's broken.

Oh, wow. This is... That kid has a hose.

Oh! That kid has a hose.

You guys made it, huh?

Welcome to the hell scape that is my son's birthday party.

It's birth control.

Okay, when I say "Hello," you say "Hi."

Hello! Hi!

Hello! Hi!

I'm Miss Dalton! So, you say "Hi."

Hi, Miss Dalton! Hi, Miss Dalton!

Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance!

Me! Yes!

Okay, everybody go out to the grass.

I will meet you there. I will be right there.

Naomi, put on track 7 on my workout mix.

Wait. Hey, Lainey. You... you don't have to do this.

It's not your responsibility.

Okay, relax. I do this for a living.

Also, 2 minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time.

That a girl! Okay.

She dances for a living? No, deals with kids.

She told me to relax, and the word lasted for like 4 seconds.

Okay, okay. Great.

Alright. Are you guys ready to learn a dance?

Yeah! Yes!

Okay. This is good.

Because everyone likes a person that can dance.

And this dance you can do anywhere.

All you need is your...

- Body! Yes.

And... and just a little...

Music! Yes! Yes!

Okay, are you guys ready to learn the moves?

Ready to learn some moves? Yes!

Yes! Okay.

Let's do this!

♪ I know when to go out ♪

♪ I know when to stay in ♪ On my count.

Here we go!

5, 6, 7, 8.

♪ I catch the paper boy ♪

♪ But things don't really change ♪

♪ I'm standing in the wind ♪

♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪

♪ But I try I try ♪ Ugh, I miss dr*gs. Why don't we do dr*gs?

Because he have to control these lives that we gave birth to.

First of all, I gave birth to them.

Alright, whatever. We gave birth to?

♪ It's just the power to charm ♪

♪ I'm lyin' in the rain ♪

♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪

♪ But I try ♪

♪ I try ♪♪ I have not felt that free. Seriously.

Maybe my whole life. What?

I want that... Here we go. Hold it.

Oh. What are you doing?

Okay, okay, he's gonna put a stop to it.

Hey, alright, hey, uh...

Now, we're gonna have the time to freestyle.

Who knows who to freestyle? Me!

Alright... alright, grab your folks.

Who's the choreographer?

Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey.

Jake's friend Lainey, who he really wants to f*ck.

Yeah, really wants to get deep, deep up in there. Like bad.

Like gross. Mm-hmm.

So she's single? Oh, 100 percent.

This was an awful idea.

Oh, wow, that's weird.

I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater.

Oh, that's... It is good stuff.

Excuse me.

I'm Chris. This is Paul.

Lainey. Jake.

Ah, hi, you two. Are you guys married?

This is my son, and he really liked dancing with you. Didn't you, buddy?

Dude, are you really using your kid to hit on my friend?

Shut up. Ignore him. He's on dr*gs.

Paul, nice to meet you.

We're headin' out. But here's my info.

In case you feel like you might need it.

Come on, buddy. You can drive.

Oh, boy, "In case you might need it?"

Why would you need his info?

You're jealous.

I'm going to assume it's because you're coming down off a powerful drug.

First part, false. Second part, true.

"Chris Smith."

Hold on. What?

His name's Chris Smith?

It is?

As in Chris Smith tree?

As in Chris Smith carol?

No. Holy smokes!

I always thought he'd be heavier with a beard.

Leave him alone. I love it. It's great.

Okay, I'm gonna try it again, alright?

Just see if any of the water goes down.

I'm gonna see how much I can drink. Here we go.

I love those "Rush Hour" movies. Oh, my God.

Anything that African American guy says anything at all and I'm laughing, you know.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Shit, that was dumb. No, Chris. It's fine.

They're great. They're such good movies.

I was married for 8 years.

And I just... I haven't done this in a while.

Me neither.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Be rude to it.

Yeah.

That was ridiculous.

The Dirty DJ was our thing, okay?

Jake. That was our thing.

Okay, let me be super clear here.

Mm-hmm. Please.

We don't have things that are sexual.

We don't sleep with each other, so we don't have things.

Okay, but you know what I mean, alright?

I taught you that as a gift to you.

That was not a Chris Smith gift, okay?

So. I don't get mad when you bring other chicks to our restaurant.

Our restaurant? Yes.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Our restaurant?

I didn't know we put a down payment on this place.

Come on.

You know, I love it that you get ownership over a randomly selected dumpling spot but me, I can't share with you the slightest disappointment over you co-opting an original idea of mine.

Co... Okay. Yeah.

First of all, you are not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.

I don't know who that is.

And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding scale morality.

I'm not one of your dates. That is very true.

No. You are not one of my dates.

And I'm glad. Thank you. Some water.

No, the lady doesn't need it. Excuse me.

She doesn't deserve that. I would like that, please.

I actually would like the water.

Sir, I-I can't stress enough if we give her water I don't know what happens.

You need to give me this water.

See she's addicted. This is an addict.

This is... I've seen it a hundred times with her.

You gotta trust me.

You have lost your mind.

Well, you have lost your water.

So... I guess we're tied.

I wanna be able to talk you about this kinda thing.

I sense that. That's obvious. I just don't know why.

You talk to me about chicks you screw all the time.

That's different.

Why? 'Cause I'm going inside them.

This you're talking about someone inside you that's just... ugh!

Duh. Grody.

This is the Bieder contract that has to go to legal for comments.

Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute?

Um... Ah, I mean... real minute?

A New York minute. I don't know... yeah, a real minute.

60 seconds. Sure.

Okay.

Um, what was the other thing?

Oh, yeah, buzz me for the 3 o'clock.

And that's it. Okay.

Yeah, don't f*ck that up.

You got to let them have it.

Hey, will you, uh, sign this for me please?

Well, I have to know what it is first.

Oh, it's a nullification of my contract.

It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander.

And why would you do that?

Oh, right, no. Because I want to go on a date with you.

Silly. Uh, if you can just sign the back here. 3 places.

You can use my pen if you'd like.

And as you can see I've ex*cuted my half, so...

You stand to make over $5 million in the next 2 years.

No shit? Wow! That's great.

Uh, but I mean I never really factor money in my decision making, so...

...it doesn't change what I'm doing.

I appreciate the hardball but obviously I can't take a request like this seriously.

But the seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball.

So I don't... I don't know what to do here.

Okay. I'll go on one date with you if you answer a question truthfully.

Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah.

I answer all questions truthfully, but fire away.

What on earth makes you think that I'm worth $5 million?

What makes you think you're not?

Get outta here. Get back to work.

I'm on break. So take this...

I'm on break. ...and get out of my office.

Okay.

Alright. To be continued.

TTFN.

Um, you know, I mean...

Ta-ta for now.

My ex has my son this weekend.

And I know a place with cheap tequila.

We should go there. That sounds great.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Yeah. I mean, not once we get there.

Tequila makes me so chatty.

In a good way I think.

You mean out here. Just... Yes, mouth shut, please.

Not gonna say a peep. Get outta here!

Back to work, you.

Yes!

There you are.

Hey, thanks for comin', Lainey.

Partners always have to do these bullshit events.

I hope your heels are comfortable

'cause you're gonna be standing and talking to boring people all night.

Chris, I'm having a great time.

Thank you for inviting me.

And these shoes are still uncomfortable.

Elaine?

Hi, Matthew.

Good to see you. This is Chris.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Matthew.

Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time.

Oh. Your name is Elaine?

Lainey is a nickname. I didn't know that.

Oh, Elaine, you've never met my wife, have you?

I haven't. Let me introduce you. Emma?

Come here. Excuse me.

This is Elaine.

So nice to meet you, Emma.

This is Chris. Hi.

Hi. When are you due?

October. Congratulations.

Your first? Yes. It's a boy.

We're so excited.

Matthew will be delivering him.

Oh. Oh.

OB-GYN? Yes. You?

Uh, partner over at Garrison and Shingle.

A man of the law. Yeah.

I've worked with you guys when I was a mediator on Thorpe V. Bronwin.

Sure. Elaine, what is it that you do?

I teach kindergarten. That's right.

I think I knew that.

Would you excuse me? I'm just gonna run to the ladies' room.

Okay, can I cut to the chase?

I would love that.

I love cutting to chases. Do it.

Okay, so you're a womanizer.

Hey!

How did you know that?

Everybody knows that. Everybody?

Your interns call you a Jump Back Jake.

I have a nickname? A nickname.

That's how bad it is. Wow!

It's not bad. I...

Or that's how good it is!

Right? Well, see, that's what I'm saying.

I... I mean, I assumed they would speak about me but I thought I was gonna be more along the lines of something like...

Stellar Yelp reviews? Yeah.

Stellar Yelp reviews.

So can I ask? Yeah, how do I stop you?

Mmm. Were you a fat teenager?

Did you... No, seriously, did you not get along with your mother?

Do you just... do you not like women?

Do you feel suffocated by them as soon as you...

Yeah, I mean, no, it's none of those things.

God, those are all bad.

No, I think it was...

I think it was because I was like a... like a late bloomer.

Really? Yeah.

Me too. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

That's amazing. No shit.

I mean, it's different for women.

I waited until my wedding night.

Did you grow up in America?

Holy shit! I don't think I've ever...

No, I've never met anybody that actually waited until their wedding day.

That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity.

Okay, well I grew up very, very religiously.

What is your excuse? Hmm.

Yeah, my excuse, well, I think it's a...

I... I thought it was something that should be special.

I think I literally sprouted...

...a vag*na when I said that.

Check, please.

There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants as we speak.

There are worse things. That's true.

Pollock. Ooh.

Yeah, but that was that... that's why I... I, yeah.

I mean, I had a bunch of friends that had done it and it just... I don't know.

At some point I realized it wasn't gonna be special and so I just wanted to get it over with and it's never been special ever since.

So who was the girl? Hmm.

Do you remember?

You need to get that? Nope.

Please. No, no, no. It's just a friend.

Well, you can still get the phone.

I don't wanna get the phone. Okay.

It's just a friend. It's no big deal.

Your call has been forwarded to an a*t*matic voice...

Are you one of Matthew's patients?

No. I went to Columbia.

I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you.

Well, I haven't seen him in a long time.

It shouldn't bother me but I don't like meeting his patients.

It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen her...

You know...

Of course. Yeah, I'd feel the same way.

Lainey, everything okay?

Oh, I gotta go. Chris, I'm so sorry I'm leaving.

I'm... I'm sick.

Oh, no. Well, let me... let me drive you home.

No. Please... Is everything alright?

I'm just not feeling well.

Oh. We should take our driver.

Emma and I are gonna stick around for another hour or so.

But he can drop you off and be back in 20 minutes. Easy.

You don't know where I live.

That's so nice. Are you sure?

Yeah. She'll never get a cab out at this hour.

It's no trouble.

Look, I'm really supposed to mingle a bit but if you want me to come...

No, it's fine. I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better.

Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight.

It's no trouble. Thank you.

So it's the black town car. It's across the street...

I know what your car looks like. I don't need it.

I like your date. He seems nice.

f*ck you, Matt. Why haven't you returned any of my calls?

I blocked your number. Why?

Because I'm not an assh*le.

Okay.

Uh-huh. No, no.

What? What?

You're so greedy.

Uh-huh. What? What do you want me to do?

I want you to do nothing.

I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do.

Okay? Okay.

♪ You got a reason ♪

♪ Reason to leave ♪

♪ I lost it back then ♪

♪ But I am losing ♪ Alright.

f*ck. Oh...

♪ Come on come on come on ♪

♪ Come on come on come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ I never told you ♪

♪ You're my one and only woman ♪

♪ So you act like a child ♪

♪ I really don't mind the way you cry ♪

♪ Come on come on come on ♪

♪ To the deepest part ♪

♪ But you ain't that ♪

♪ In my... ♪

♪ Come on come on come on... ♪ Can you come? But you haven't...

Come inside me. I want you to come now.

Come! Okay.

Oh, oh, f*ck!

Oh, Lainey. Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, Lainey. Oh, f*ck.

Oh! Oh, shit.

Who's Lainey?

Um... it's a long story.

You wanna tell me about it?

Yes.

It's right here on the right side.

Thank you.

I just tried calling you.

My phone died. Hmm.

So how was your day?

Swell.

Want to come up?

It's over. Hmm.

He didn't choose me.

You never told him to make a choice, you know.

How was Paula?

Hmm.

I was a mess.

She nice to you?

Yes.

Good. Hmm.

What's up?

Are we in love with each other?

What are we gonna do about it?

What do you wanna do?

Nothing.

There's nothing to do.

I love you for free, Lainey.

I love you for free, Jake.

I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor?

Tempting. Tempting, but no.

Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow.

Hmm.

Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes?

No, Kara and George are shipping it to me on Monday.

Cool. Alright. I'm good. I'm good.

You got it all figured out. Yeah.

Alright, well...

...last chance to ditch med school and run away with me, huh?

Come on, what do you say? Let's go.

You just sneak in here, I'll drive. Bounce around.

You know, unfortunately I don't sleep with men in relationships anymore.

This new crazy thing. Gotcha.

No, that's okay. That's okay.

I stopped cheating anyway.

So, bad timing. What happened to us?

We're getting a chance to start over.

That's true.

Just in time... Oh, yeah.

If you ask me. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, before things got really bad, and weird.

Alright, well, goodbye forever.

Goodbye forever. Again.

Up top. There you go. Yup.

Thank you, Jake.

For what?

For teaching me how to love someone.

Anytime.

I'll get this for you, you've got to close this.

Yep.

It would be kinda cool though if you could just hang onto the back.

Eddie Murphy at the beginning of "Beverly Hills Cop," remember that?

Cigarette truck. Never mind.

Uh, alright, drive safe.

Yeah? Hmm.

Go. Bye.

Go be a hot shot.

♪ I feel ready for a ride ♪

♪ For the... ♪ Hi, babe, it's me.

Um, I hope the goodbye went well.

Oliver and I are on our way.

Okay, see you soon.

Nice job, Oliver.

You're a whirling dervish out there. A whirling dervish!

You got this, Henry. There you go, Henry.

Right through. How's that feel, blue?

- How's that feel, blue? There you go.

Yeah, little legs, but they move fast.

Get it. Get it. Reverse it.

Reverse it. Yeah!

Yes! Nice pass, man. Get off me!

Okay, I know. I'm just a passionate fan.

I'm sorry, go play soccer, what are you doing talkin' to me?

What are you doing? What?

You're embarrassing the kid.

The kid's having a great game, you're embarrassing...

Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry!

And that's better? How's that feel, blue?

How's that feel, blue?

My love is conditional.

When we were kids, we had orange slices after a game.

Thank you. That's like $400 worth of frozen yogurt.

Holy toppings! She just said it's every topping.

Every flavor.

Hey, what's up dude?

Is it okay if I go over Henry's to go swimming?

It's cool with me, is it cool with you?

At my house?

You're gonna go swimming at my house?

Yes, I am. Hmm.

Let me think about it. What do you say?

Alright. I'll allow it.

You sure you don't want to come to brunch? With me and your mom?

We're gonna have some eggs benedict and some frittatas.

Yeah, 'cause that's... 'cause that's what kids wanna do.

They don't want to go swimming.

They want to go to brunch.

Thanks, Jake.

There you go.

You have really changed, my friend.

Yes. I have to say, I don't mind it.

I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey but it really turned you around in the right direction.

How's she doin'?

Lainey? Yeah.

I don't know. We haven't talked in a while.

Look at her, passing out toppings like, uh...

She's just like a dealer.

What? You're mad?

No, but are you... You're happy.

You're both? You're crazy.

Are you mappy? You're mappy?

I'm just gonna say you're mappy.

I can't... Have you thought this through?

I know it's a birthday gift. I can't go to France.

Okay. I can't take off work.

'Cause I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a very nice suite in a 5 star hotel just waiting for ya.

But you're right. It's a bad idea. Maybe you shouldn't go.

But I've got to find someone now with your exact name that can go to Europe and use that room.

Anybody here named Paula? Shh.

You're crazy. Settle down, people.

No, not at all. Are you kidding?

I think this is a great idea.

When did you get this good?

I spent a long time being bad.

I just... I mean. I just... just...

What?

Uh, I'm sorry, I just...

I know this guy from somewhere.

With the glasses. I can't put my finger on it.

From work? No.

Your neighbor? No, I...

I feel like he had longer hair.

Maybe he's an actor?

Maybe I knew him at Colum...

Columbia.

You know what? I'm... I'm... You mind if I run over there just to see if it's him?

Okay, baby. Alright.

Be right back.

Well, we can talk about it.

Sobvechik?

Yeah.

Oh, you're pregnant. Oh, my God.

You boring, f*ckin', assh*le!

Sorry, sorry.

Hey! Hey! Jake!

Somebody do something.

Jake, Jake! That's for my girl, you shit!

f*ck you!

Come on. Get up! Come on.

You f*cking boring piece of shit!

f*cking tourist.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Matthew, my water broke... Honey!

Honey!

We need a doctor. I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor!

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I am her husband. That is my wife and that is my baby.

And this m*therf*cker I don't even know...

Let's go! What are you doing?

f*cking maniac.

That's my husband! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! No! No!

♪ Well if you ever go ♪

♪ Darlin' I'll be... ♪ No!

No!

No!

Matthew! Hey! Hey!

He didn't do anything.

We were just having brunch and then this fucker comes out of nowhere and decks him!

The Henley wearing bullshit m*therf*cker!

Oh, my God, this isn't happening. I need a tissue.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

They're gonna book you for as*ault.

What? Why? What did I...

Sorry, bad joke.

So you're gonna need someone to bail you out.

Oh, come on. Paula...

I don't need a hardball... My girl?

What?

What are you... My girl. Who's your girl?

Well, I can explain that. That just like...

Who's your girl, Jake?

I was...

That guy's a f*cking assh*le who was really shitty to a good friend of mine.

Okay? You can't even say it.

You can't even look at me and just say her name.

I don't even... Give me the courtesy.

What are you talking...

I haven't even spoken to her since she left.

I'm... I didn't do anything wrong here.

Okay? You've been playing house.

Oh, Shit! I let my son...

What are you talkin' about? ...fall in love with you.

Oh come on, that is not true. You've been lying this whole time.

I'm not... I have not lied! I have...

I have not... I am... I would not lie to you. To him, okay?

I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Wow, you really, you really... Really what?

2 different people, my friend.

Oh, come on. I am not, okay?

But you're gonna figure it out.

Figure what... What are you doing?

Y-y-you're just gonna go?

Okay.

Great.

Great, okay.

Great!

Wonderful.

f*ckin'...

Who wants more wine?

I'll take some. Great.

Hello?

Hey, baby.

Jake? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. How you doin'?

Um, I-I'm fine. Where are you calling me from?

Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool people who f*cked up?

Just one big old jail for everyone.

Jake. What happened?

Well, I ran into our old college buddy, Matthew Sobvechik.

Oh, baby, what did you do?

Well, I, um...

I, uh, sorta beat the shit out of him.

f*cked up his life a little bit. ...what it was.

Why did you do that?

I, um...

Well I just, um...

I just really miss you.

Yeah, I think about you like, all the time.

You know what, the word think is... is wrong because I don't actively do anything.

You're just... here.

But I didn't... I didn't think I'd remember you.

You know I thought that I would forget about all of it.

And I, uh, didn't. You know, I just, uh...

I know we're no good at this shit.

And that's why we agreed to stop seeing each other.

So we wouldn't f*ck it up but...

But I want you to come back.

I need you to... Because, uh...

Because I'd rather fail with you than win with anyone else.

Hello?

Lainey, are you still there? Just keep talking.

I love hearing your voice.

I love hearing you say my name. Oh, you do?

Jake. Lainey!

Jake. Lainey!

Jake. I love you so much.

I love you. Lainey, Lainey, Lainey.

I love you! I love you so much!

Hey, I love you. I love you, Jake!

Give me the phone. Lainey, Lainey! No, no.

What are you doing? f*cking take it.

Okay, honey, you're on speaker phone in a police station.

Be very careful what you say. Hello, police.

I love you. I love you. Don't... don't hurt anymore people.

Easy. Easy. Watch it! Back off! Back off!

Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!

- I love you! I love you! Jake, I love you.

Yes?

Yes.

I will communicate the message.

Mr. Sobvechik will not be joining us.

We will have to postpone.

Come on. This is the third time.

My client has a newborn he has to spend time with...

We have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit.

Your client is clearly dragging this thing out...

We'll be in touch to reschedule.

I forgot that Pinkerton was an alias of yours.

You never caught that reference.

Madame Butterfly.

Just because I don't applaud your intellect doesn't mean I don't notice it.

Mathew...

I need you to swear that you didn't plan this.

I didn't plan this.

Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional distress lawsuit so just take it.

Or what? Are you... are you threatening me?

I don't need to thr*aten you.

Let me guess. I drop it, or you tell Emma we slept together.

I'd tell her what I know. Which is what?

I know that you stop breathing when you kiss.

That when you lean in to whisper, you put your lips right up against the back of my earlobe.

That you kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat over my shoulders.

I remember every compliment you ever gave me.

Everything you ever did to me in bed.

And the day you made me yours.

The day you said...

..."Elaine, I wish I could have known you

"when you were a little girl, so that I could've been..."

"Could've been your true love."

I remember too, you know.

Would any of it sound familiar to Emma?

Some, yeah.

I don't think she needs to know the things she holds close to her heart were rehearsed on someone else.

Goodbye, Mathew.

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪ So is he gonna drop the charges?

Am I allowed to leave the state?

He will. You may. Good.

Because I booked us a flight back to Michigan at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Great. I have a final at 3:00.

Excellent. I'll help you study. I'll make flashcards.

So no honeymoon? Oh, no, no.

There's gonna be a honeymoon.

I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza right down the road here.

Nice. Mm-hmm.

But first I've gotta take you downtown and make an honest woman out of you.

Rings? Shit.

Kidding. Xander's got them.

I can't believe we lost our virginity to each other and saved ourselves for marriage.

Yeah. That's pretty great.

I'm proud of us. Nicely done.

I mean...

It's not like we haven't done it.

Of course. I know what it looks like.

Yeah, yeah. It's been a while.

But I know what your situation is down there.

Oh, really? Yeah, how's my situation?

Are you kidding? It's perfect.

Oh, well, I'm pretty much a dream come true.

Mousetrap. Mousetrap.

Do we really have to... No, we don't.

...say that.

Well, from safe word to code word, I guess.

We should probably... Let's go f*ck first.

Then we'll meet them down there. We gotta do it now, yeah.

Yeah, let's be quick. Yeah, yeah, of course.

Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late.

Absolutely. How long shall I tell him we're going to be?

A couple of hours. Really? Luck guy, aren't I?

Yeah, and then we'll still go get married.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something.

What?

♪ We are sleeping... ♪♪ That.

Yeah. Better right?

So we just got 20 blocks. Why didn't we take the bus?

Oh, that's a good point. Should we get on the bus?

I wonder if we find the route... Oh, you're such a romantic.

No, I actually left my sweatshirt, I think.

I love you. I love you too.

♪ We can stay together ♪

♪ I'll keep you safe forever ♪

♪ I know that sounds heavy ♪

♪ f*ck it and whatever ♪♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪ Uh, Yeah, w-we'll be here.

Okay. Have fun? I don't know, okay, Bye.

Um, they're gonna be here in like, 90 minutes.

When have you ever had sex for 90 minutes?

With you? With anybody.

Oh, many times. You have not had sex for 90 minutes.

I have had like, actual intercourse...

I bet they're counting like, foreplay and stuff.

No, but maybe they are.

Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all.

I bet this sex thing is a ruse.

For what? They're having trouble.

Of cold feet, second thoughts.

Second thoughts?

They literally just got back together.

I know. But now they have this whole sex thing.

I don't know. First of all...

...we had sex, at the last minute right before we got married.

I don't think that's true. Really?

You don't remember someone sneaking into my room right before...

Who? Who? I'll m*rder him.

Text us if you're gonna do this.

And we'll be there. I've got the rings, the whole deal.

So just, uh... We're gonna have sex for 9 minutes.

We're gonna have sex...

Yes, we're gonna have sex for 9 minutes.

Now, I... Now, I'm super happy with 4 to 6.

4 to 6 minutes or 46 inches?

Both. I can get to like, 6 and a quarter.

I'll show you, right now! Prove it.

Alright. It is so cold.

I can't get hard right now. Do show me.

I can't get hard right now. Alright.

Ooh, I wanna though. Here.

If they're gonna be 90 minutes...

Will this help? Yeah. Ooh, that's do it then.

It's doin' somethin'.

Ooh, there's a kid lookin' at me.

The kid's locked eyes with me.

Hey. We made it work.

12 years. Who would've thought?

I bet... I bet my brother 7 and I'd be out.

I had to give him $5000. What?

Yeah, 5 years ago.

I gave him $5000, remember you were so mad?

Yeah! Yeah.

I paid him that... You said...

Because I... I lasted longer.

You said you got into a car accident.

It's weird to look at you for this long.

What do you mean? I never look at you.

You gotta get a good gander.

What are you doin'? Don't dance.

Don't dance, please. Ugh!

I don't like it. What are you... what are you...

Don't grind up on me.

What? There's not even music.

Really? There's music in my body.

Now, something's gonna happen. Let's get outta here.

Let's go back to the hotel. I wanna do stuff to your body.

Upstairs, downstairs. Right?

Yeah. Alright!

I love you, honey. I love you.

Let's go!

♪ Lately I feel like ♪

♪ A blown out birthday candle ♪

♪ One look in the mirror ♪

♪ And I know the party's over ♪

♪ And yeah I want a big house ♪

♪ With a swimming pool ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ f*ck it baby I got you ♪

♪ f*ck it baby I got you ♪

♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪

♪ It's way too real out there ♪

♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪

♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪

♪ Spaced out in the days I couldn't hear you ♪

♪ The music drowns you out I didn't care ♪

♪ I know you want a quiet house ♪

♪ With a lemon tree ♪

♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪

♪ It's way too real out there ♪

♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪

♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪

♪ I'm oblivious oh ♪

♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪

♪ I'm oblivious ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪♪