08x09 - Frasier's Edge

[bunniefuu]

Act 1

Scene 1 - The Radio Station
Fade in. Frasier is on the air.

Frasier: Well, Roz, I think we have just enough time for one more call.
Roz: Okay, we have Andy from Bremerton on line three.
Frasier: Hello, Andy, I'm listening.
Andy: [v.o.] Am I on?
Frasier: Yes, go ahead.
Andy: Can you hear me?
Frasier: Yes, you're on the air.
Andy: Hello?
Frasier: You're on.
Andy: Am I on?
Frasier: Not any more. [cuts him off] This is Dr. Frasier Crane on
KACL, wishing you good mental health.

Frasier and Roz disconnect and take their headsets off. Kenny comes
in with several other KACL people.

Kenny: Gather round everyone.
Frasier: Oh, Kenny, what's all this?
Kenny: I'm here to officially announce this year's SeaBea nominations.
Frasier: Oh, well.
Gil: He made us wait until your show was over. It was interminable.
Kenny: First of all, KACL has been nominated for a total of nine
SeaBeas.

Everyone makes happy noises over this.

Kenny: Which ties us with KPXY, the mighty Pixie, for most
nominations.
Frasier: Yes, the mighty Pixie, they do very well.
Kenny: Now, all the nominees were chosen by a panel of experts...
Roz: Just give me that!

She snatches the paper away from Kenny.

Frasier: Good girl, Roz.
Roz: Oh, here's one: "Best Restaurant Critic: Gil Chesterton."
Gil: Oh, thank God I'm nominated! Now I won't have to attend
"The Chestertons."
Roz: "The Chestertons?"
Gil: It's an elaborate awards show my wife and the dogs put on when
I'm overlooked by the SeaBeas.
Frasier: Roz, I don't see our names anywhere.
Roz: No, nothing, we've been shut out. I don't believe it!
Kenny: Well, what do I have here?

Kenny holds up a folded piece of paper.

Frasier: There are more awards?

Kenny unfolds the paper to read.

Kenny: Maybe. I guess you'll just have to listen and find out.
"Since 1962, the Seattle broadcasting community..."
Roz: Give me that!

Roz snatches the paper away and reads it quickly.

Roz: Oh my God, Frasier! You're getting a lifetime achievement
award!
Frasier: What? Are you serious?!
Roz: Yes, it says right here: "Since 1962..."
Frasier: Give me that!

He snatches the paper away from her and reads it. Roz glances at Kenny.

Kenny: Hurts, doesn't it?

Roz nods, looking a bit guilty. FADE OUT.

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment
Fade in. Frasier is holding one of his pieces of African art,
practicing his acceptance speech in front of Eddie.

Frasier: When I was a boy, my parents told me to reach for the stars.
Sadly, I later learned that stars are just massive fiery
balls of gas, which, were I to reach one, would vaporize me
instantly. But tonight, with the Stephen R. Schafer Lifetime
Achievement Award, you tell me that I have reached you, and
you, ladies and gentlemen, are my stars. [to Eddie] And
that's where you would applaud.

Eddie lets out a big yawn and scurries off to the bedrooms. Martin
comes from there wearing a tuxedo.

Martin: I gotta say, Fras, it's really somethin', you gettin' this
award.

He sits as the doorbell rings.

Frasier: Yes, Dad, it's actually quite an honor. You know, customarily,
they give them out to much older people.

He answers the door to reveal Niles holding a basket of flowers.

Niles: Hello.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, flowers! How very thoughtful of you!
Niles: They're not from me.
Frasier: Well, thank you for bringing them up.
Niles: Well, actually, they were just outside the door.
Frasier: Well, thank you for bending over and picking them up.
Niles: Well it wasn't that far, the handle...
Frasier: Just give them to me!

He takes the flowers and puts them on the table behind the couch.
He takes the card and reads it aloud.

Frasier: "Congratulations, Frasier. You must be very proud. William
Tewksbury."
Martin: Who's that?
Frasier: He's my old mentor from Harvard, Dad. Gosh, you know, I read
in the alumni newsletter that he was taking his sabbatical
here at the University of Washington, I've been meaning to
call him.

Martin holds a bag out to Niles.

Martin: Niles, somethin' here for you.
Niles: For me, what for?
Martin: Well, this may be Frasier's night, but I just want you to know
that I have two special sons.
Niles: Dad, how considerate.

He pulls a mug out.

Niles: "World's Greatest Psychiatrist."
Martin: See, your brother's not the only one gettin' a prize tonight.

Daphne comes in from her room.

Niles: Thanks, Dad. Oh, there's my little rose bud. Hello.

He goes to Daphne, Frasier whispers to Martin.

Frasier: Is it my imagination, or has she gained weight since breakfast?
Martin: Which seating? Eight, nine, or ten?
Niles: Oh, darling, you're undone.
Daphne: I know. This dress used to fit perfectly, now I can't even
get it zipped halfway up. Those bloody cleaners must have
shrunk it.
Niles: Let me give it a try.

He strains at the zipper, then puts his knee up to get more leverage,
but can't move it.

Niles: Oh, my.
Daphne: Maybe if I put a jacket on. Would you come help me pick one
out?
Niles: Sure, sure. You know, you should switch dry cleaners, that's
the third dress they've shrunk this week.

They exit to her room.

Frasier: Dad, what do you make of this? [reading card] "Congratulations,
Frasier. You must be very proud."
Martin: Well, I'd say he's happy for you. Of course, I was a
detective, so it comes easy to me.
Frasier: He doesn't say he's proud of me, he says that I should be
proud of myself. Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you?
Martin: No, you're splittin' hairs.
Frasier: You don't know Dr. Tewksbury like I do. He wouldn't say
something like this unless he meant to say something else.
Martin: You're gonna let this ruin the whole night for you, aren't you?
Frasier: No, no, of course not, Dad. I just think it's interesting,
that's all.

He rises and gets his coat.

Frasier: You know, Dad, I'm gonna head over to the SeaBeas a little
early. I'll see you there.
Martin: Why?
Frasier: Well, I thought I should... familiarize myself with the dais.
Martin: Frasier, it's just a note.
Frasier: I know, Dad.
Martin: It doesn't mean anything.
Frasier: I know, Dad.
Martin: Say "Hi" to Dr. Tewksbury for me.
Frasier: I will, Dad.

He exits. FADE OUT.

Scene 3 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office
Fade in. Dr. Tewksbury is at his desk, straightening up.
Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Dr. Tewksbury? Frasier Crane.
Tewksbury: Of course! Frasier. It's good to see you.
Frasier: Likewise.
Tewksbury: How long has it been?
Frasier: Oh, gosh, perhaps...twenty years.
Tewksbury: That long?
Frasier: Yeah. Actually, I was on my way to the awards ceremony and
I thought I'd drop by and thank you for the flowers. And
the card.
Tewksbury: You're welcome.
Frasier: It was very thoughtful of you.
Tewksbury: I was happy to do it.
Frasier: Particularly the card.
Tewksbury: I'm glad you liked it.
Frasier: All right, let's cut the bull. "You must be very proud."
Why not "I'm proud of you"? Why speculation rather than
declaration? We both know there are no mistakes. There
must have been some reason either conscious or subconscious
that you chose these words.
Tewksbury: Frasier, I have a confession to make.
Frasier: Ah!
Tewksbury: My assistant wrote the card.
Frasier: Oh.
Tewksbury: You see, when I heard you were getting an award, I asked
her to send flowers with a note of congratulations. I'm
afraid you've been over analyzing.
Frasier: I see. Then again, perhaps, in that order to your assistant,
you subconsciously transmitted an emotion that you couldn't
or didn't want to acknowledge.
Tewksbury: Or perhaps your subconscious assigned new meaning to the
words to reflect your self-doubt.
Frasier: But all art is self portraiture, and that includes the
written word.
Tewksbury: However, we can only view art through the lens of our own
psyches.
Frasier: Then there is no pure art.
Tewksbury: How would you know?

b*at.

Frasier: God, I've missed you!

They hug.

Tewksbury: Frasier, of course I'm proud of you.
Frasier: Thank you. It's so nice to know that, it really is. Thank
you.
Tewksbury: Oh, I really wish we had more time to talk, but I'm taking
my wife out to dinner tonight, I have to pick up some
flowers before the shops close.
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course.
Tewksbury: This time, I think I'll write the card myself.
Frasier: Yes, that's a good idea. Gosh, it was great to see you
again.
Tewksbury: Yes. Let's get together some evening.
Frasier: Oh, I'd like that.
Tewksbury: It's not often I get to dine with the recipient of a
lifetime achievement award.
Frasier: Oh, please, it's just a trinket for a little radio show
I do. Uh, not that by "little" I mean to minimize my
achievement.
Tewksbury: I know.
Frasier: I know you know. I just want to be clear, so that you
don't infer any meanings that aren't actually there.
Tewksbury: What might I infer?
Frasier: Oh, you know, that I'm somehow dissatisfied with my work,
something like that.
Tewksbury: You also called the award a trinket. Can you imagine what
I might have done with that?
Frasier: Exactly. A lesser therapist might say that I, I didn't
think much of an award that they're willing to give to the
likes of me.
Tewksbury: I suppose if one were looking hard enough, one could even
say your coming down here was a desperate quest for approval.
Frasier: Well, that one's a little out there.
Tewksbury: Frasier, you don't have to worry. I'm not inferring
anything. Enjoy yourself this evening.
Frasier: I will. Because tonight is my night.
Tewksbury: Yes.
Frasier: So long, Professor.
Tewksbury: Goodbye.

Frasier leaves. Dr. Tewksbury gets his things together and shakes his
head reflectively.

Tewksbury: Oh, Frasier...

He goes out and locks the door behind him. Turning around, he sees
Frasier sitting on the steps, his head in his hand.

Tewksbury: Frasier?
Frasier: What the hell is wrong with me?

Tewksbury pats him on the back and urges him towards the office.

End of Act 1

Act 2

Scene 1 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office
Fade in. Frasier is looking out the window, Dr. Tewksbury is on the
phone.

Tewksbury: Yes, dear, I know we have reservations but one of my former
students is having a minor crisis. I'll be there in half
an hour.
Frasier: [shouting out the window] WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Tewksbury: Make it an hour.

FADE OUT

Scene 2 - The SeaBea Awards
Fade in. Martin, Niles and Daphne are sitting at their table.
Roz comes up.

Roz: Hello everybody.
Martin: Hey, Roz. Whoa! You look great, Roz!
Daphne: Yeah, that's a beautiful dress.
Roz: Thank you. And after two weeks of eating delicious fat-burning
cabbage soup, it finally fits.
Daphne: Niles made me cabbage with me ossu buco last night. If I knew
it b*rned fat, I would have had a fourth helping.
Niles: Well, we do have leftovers.
Daphne: No we don't.
Roz: [aside to Martin] I haven't seen Daphne in a while. Is it my
imagination...?
Martin: No. Six squares a day.
Roz: That's not like her. Maybe she's depressed. That's when I
eat. Did you say anything to her?
Martin: Nope. Timing's very delicate in somethin' like this, Roz.
I figured I'd wait until after she's too big to catch me but
before she needs the motorized scooter.

She laughs. He holds her chair for her. They sit and Kenny comes
over.

Kenny: Hey, has anyone seen Frasier?
Martin: No, not yet. What's the matter, you look pale.
Kenny: Well, I hate public speaking, and they roped me into giving
Frasier's introduction and I want to make sure it's okay.
Martin: Well, why don't you run it by Niles? He's a psychiatrist too.
And he's just as smart and successful as Frasier.
Niles: Dad...
Martin: It's true, you are. [to Kenny] He is.

Gil comes up to the table.

Roz: Hey, Gil. So, where is that elusive wife of yours?

He sits and takes a drink of water.

Gil: If you must know, Deb's on maneuvers with her reserve unit.

An emcee comes to the microphone.

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Seattle
Broadcasting Awards. Let's get right to our first category:
outstanding restaurant critic. And the nominees are: Merrill
George for "Cafe Chat", Sheldon Hastings for "Here's Looking
at Food" and Gil Chesterton for "Restaurant b*at." And... we
have a tie!
Gil: They expect me to share? What is this, dim sum?
Emcee: And the SeaBeas go to Merrill George and Sheldon Hastings.

Applause.

Gil: No, this can't be happening.
Roz: Oh, come on, Gil, isn't it enough just to be nominated?
Gil: You tell me, Miss Three-Time-Loser!

Roz looks shocked, then glares at him in a slow burn. FADE OUT.

HE WORE HIS FIRST
SMOKING JACKET AT 12

Scene 3 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office
Fade in. Frasier is talking to Tewksbury.

Frasier: I know I should be happy but I feel so dissatisfied.
Tewksbury: Well, Frasier, it's no accident that you're going through
this on the day that you receive your lifetime achievement
award.
Frasier: Well, duh. [then] I'm sorry, I'm just acting out. Please,
please. Continue, please.

He sits down in front of Tewksbury.

Tewksbury: As you know, men in our society commonly define themselves
by their careers.
Frasier: Yes, I'll cop to that. In fact, there's nothing I'm more
proud of than my career. It's because I love to help
people, I always have.
Tewksbury: All right, refresh my memory. Wasn't it your mother who
first sparked your interest in psychiatry?
Frasier: Yes, it was. I remember the exact day. I was eight. I'd
come home crying because one of the older boys had thrown
my copy of "The Fountainhead" under a bus. My mother
explained to me it wasn't because he didn't like the way
I walked or because I wore an ascot to school, it was
because he didn't like himself. And at that very moment,
I became a student of human behavior. It was as if someone
had given me an instruction manual explaining why people
acted the way they did.
Tewksbury: Not to mention a way to distance yourself from painful
emotions.
Frasier: Oh, totally. I took a lot of grief for that ascot.
Tewksbury: So, you were drawn to psychiatry not because you like to
help people, but because you feared them.
Frasier: I feared them?
Tewksbury: Psychiatry gives you objectivity. Objectivity gives you
emotional distance. Distance makes you feel safe.
Frasier: Yes, yes, granted. But what does that got to do with me?
Tewksbury: How's your practice?
Frasier: I don't have a practice, I have a radio show.
Tewksbury: Distance. Any children?
Frasier: Yes, I have a wonderful son with whom I'm very close.
Tewksbury: You live with him?
Frasier: He lives in Boston.
Tewksbury: Distance. With your wife.
Frasier: My ex-wife - yes, I know, distance.
Tewksbury: Wasn't she a psychiatrist?
Frasier: Yes, she was. She happens to be a damn good one, too.
Tewksbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share
ideas than emotions.
Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith?
Tewksbury: No.
Frasier: Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
Tewksbury: Have you had any other meaningful relationships since then?
Frasier: Well, as a matter of fact... what is your point?
Tewksbury: My point is that at the age of eight - at EIGHT - you began
to use psychiatry as a way to deal with a world that scared
you to death. And this lifetime achievement award has made
you realize that your career is finite and once it's gone,
all you'll have left is that frightened eight-year-old boy.

Long Pause. Then Frasier stands up and gets his coat.

Frasier: Well... would you like to hear my theory? You have no idea
what you're talking about. I am not an eight-year-old.

He opens the door.

Frasier: And you know something else? You're not my mentor any more!

He storms out. FADE OUT.

Scene 4 - The SeaBea Awards
Fade in. The g*ng are enjoying dinner at their table.

Daphne: Roz, you going to eat your quiche?
Roz: Are you kidding? This would be like pulling the ripcord on
my thighs. It's nothing but cheese and butter and pastry...
Daphne: And bacon! You sure you don't mind?

She reaches over and takes it. Niles comes over and sits down.

Niles: I have good news. I just spoke to Frasier, he's on his way.
Martin: Oh, thank goodness. Not that I'm not having a good time with
you, Niles.

Roz gets up and crosses to sit by Daphne.

Niles: Dad, I know what you're doing. You don't have to overcompensate.
I'm not some green-eyed monster burning with envy for Frasier.
Martin: All right. But if you were, I bet you'd be a great one.

Roz gets up and sits next to Daphne.

Roz: Daphne? I haven't seen you in a while. How've you been, are
you okay?
Daphne: I'm better than okay. I'm in love with a man who loves me.
He showers me with attention. Every morning I wake up
wondering what treasures this day will bring. It really is
the happiest time of my life. And how are you?
Roz: [choked] Good. [flat] Really good. [to Kenny] Could you pass
me Frasier's quiche?

Kenny passes it over. Roz picks it up with her hand and takes a big
bite.

Roz: And the butter?

He passes it over. FADE OUT.

Scene 5 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office
Fade in. Dr. Tewksbury is preparing to leave again. Frasier bursts
in.

Frasier: All right, professor. You know, I hate to be the one to
break it to you, but I'm afraid you've lost your touch.
Where's your DSM?
Tewksbury: Uh, there.

He points to a large reference book that Frasier picks up and begins
searching through.

Frasier: "Emotionally stunted eight-year-old," my eye! [finds the
reference] Ah, here's what I'm going through: "Phase-of-life
issue: a problem associated with a particular developmental
phase or other life circumstance."
Tewksbury: Please. A mid-life crisis?
Frasier: Obvious, really. You know, I'm surprised it didn't occur
to me sooner. If someone had called into my show with this
problem, I'd have diagnosed it inside a minute.
Tewksbury: And then what would you have done?
Frasier: That depends on the caller.
Tewksbury: All right. The caller... is you.

He sets a chair out and motions Frasier to sit.

Frasier: Fine.

He sits in the chair and Tewksbury sets another chair facing him.

Tewksbury: On line one, we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Frasier: Hello, Dr. Crane. I love your show, I'm a big fan. [laughs,
then] I won't bore you with all the details of my life...
because you know them. Suffice to say, I'm a successful
psychiatrist. My problem is that, in spite of the life I've
built, I feel... empty.

He gets up and moves to the other chair at Tewksbury's gesture.

Frasier: Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken,
it was John Keats who once wrote...
Tewksbury: Stalling. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier: All right, fair enough. Perhaps caller, if we reframe the
issue...
Tewksbury: Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings.
Frasier: Uh... let's run down Beck�s Depression Inventory...
Tewksbury: Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller
feels empty. Go on.
Frasier: All right. Last month in the New England Journal...
Tewksbury: He's already read it.
Frasier: How do you know?
Tewksbury: The caller is Frasier Crane. If you did, he did.
Frasier: I can suggest certain visualization techniques...
Tewksbury: He knows them already.
Frasier: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Tewksbury: He told you: because he's empty. Keep going.
Frasier: Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter...
Tewksbury: He's already got himself on the phone.
Frasier: I don't know what he wants!
Tewksbury: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric
exercises?
Frasier: Because that's all I have!

Tewksbury gives him a knowing, sad look.

Frasier: I'm sorry, caller, I can't help you.

FADE OUT

Scene 6 - The SeaBea Awards
Fade in. Kenny hurries over to the table again.

Kenny: Frasier's up next. He's not here yet, what the hell am I
gonna do?
Niles: Well, he'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
Kenny: [panicked] Stall? Stall?
Niles: Yes, like that.
Emcee: Ladies and gentleman, our next presenter, KACL General Manager,
Kenny Daily.

The guests clap, Kenny freezes.

Kenny: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Niles: Oh, fine, relax. I'll go up there for you.
Martin: No, Niles, let me do it. This night's been hard enough on you
already.

He gets up and Kenny sits down.

Roz: You are such a weenie.
Kenny: [suddenly much calmer] Yeah. Weenie like a fox.
Martin: Actually, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Martin Crane. Kenny very
kindly let me do the honors. You see, I'm Frasier's dad.

They applaud.

Martin: No, no. More than that, I'm the father of two special guys.
So if it's okay with you, I'd like you to give a big SeaBea
welcome to my other son, Niles. C'mon, Niles, stand up, let
'em see you.

Niles, a bit embarrassed, rises.

Martin: Oh, here's Frasier.

Niles sits back down.

Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of the Stephen R.
Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award, my son, Frasier Crane.

Frasier steps up and takes the award as everyone applauds.

Frasier: Ah. Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what
to do with the rest of it.

The guests laugh. Frasier stands for a moment, then walks off.
Martin and Kenny look surprised.

Roz: What the hell was that?

FADE OUT

Credits:

Gil takes the podium, receiving his SeaBea. The guests applaud loudly,
getting to their feet.

The busboy then wakes Gil up so he can clean the tables. Gil wanders
off, looking dejected.