05x13 - The Maris Counselor

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE
Scene One - KACL
Frasier enters his booth at KACL where Roz is pottering about.

Frasier: Morning, Roz.
Roz: Hey Frasier, your brother called. He said he'll be over at
about seven o' clock tonight.
Frasier: Oh, thanks. So, you seem awfully calm today.
Roz: Well, why shouldn't I be?
Frasier: Well, during ratings week you're usually rather anxious.
Roz: [anxious] Oh my God! That starts today?!
Frasier: Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
Roz: Ten seconds. [starts quickly searching through her bag]
Frasier: Oh Roz, you do this every year, you convince yourself we'll
have a disastrous week with no good callers, but our listeners
always come through in the end, don't they?
Roz: [quickly] You're on!
Frasier: All right. [into microphone] Hello Seattle, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of
a jaunty aphorism which is credited to the great thinker
Spinoza...

Meanwhile, in Roz's booth, she is up to her elbows in madness.

Roz: Oh God! [takes first call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your
problem?
Mary: [v.o.] Hi, I'm kind of... indecisive.
Roz: Well, I'm not! [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's
your problem?
Roger: [v.o.] I'm thinking of changing careers, I feel kinda trapped.
Roz: Well, it's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can
get you on. Hold, please. [takes next call] Frasier Crane
Show, what's your problem?
Bill: [v.o.] It's sort of embarrassing.
Roz: Amen!
Bill: I was a bed-wetter as a child and I think the problem's coming
back.
Roz: Great. Hold, please. [goes back to Roger] Hey, Career
Change, I've got a bed-wetter holding. When you say
"trapped," is it possible you feel you are a woman trapped
inside a man's body?
Roger: I don't think so.
Roz: I don't think I can get you on today, then.
Roger: Gee, I really wanted to talk to him... I guess that could be
part of it.
Roz: Good answer. Hold, please. [to Bill] Hey Bed-Wetter, I've
got a transsexual in crisis, you gotta b*at that. Have you
ever wet a bed with anyone else in it? A hooker, a stripper,
or maybe your best friend's wife?
Bill: No.
Roz: Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
Bill: OK. Er, I guess the third one.
Roz: Hold, please. [to Roger] Hey Transsexual.
Roger: Is that me?
Roz: Yeah. Have you ever run for political office, or considered
running for political office?
Roger: What, you mean like congressman or something?
Roz: [takes that as an answer] Perfect!

Meanwhile, Frasier is finishing his speech.

Frasier: ...don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism or I'll go
the whole three hours! Well, I think it's time we went to the
phones. Roz, whom do we have?
Roz: On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd
rather speak to Roger on line two, who's a transsexual running
for Congress.

Frasier looks at Roz as if to say “I told you everything would be fine.”

Frasier: Go on then Roger, I'm listening.

FADE OUT

IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED,
IT'S A BROWN ERMINE


Scene Two - Apartment
Daphne, wearing a brown ermine jacket, and Martin enter Frasier's
apartment. Daphne gossips as Martin goes to hang up her coat and
Frasier enters with a tea tray.

Daphne: Would you just explain to me why you chickened out like that?
Martin: Well, she's younger than I am! She probably dates doctors and
lawyers, she wouldn't be interested in me.
Frasier: Who wouldn't be interested?
Martin: Oh, geez.
Daphne: A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else
from the building on a date.
Frasier: Ah, that would be Mrs. Crowley.
Martin: Oh, geez!
Daphne: And bailed out again!
Frasier: Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men
haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department
lately. We're all a bit g*n-shy.
Daphne: Ah yes, g*n-shy, sensitive, picky; you're all full of excuses.
[phone rings] You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get
any of you married off and out of this house.

Martin and Frasier look at each other in confusion. Daphne answers
the phone.

Daphne: Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you!
Yes he's here, hold on.

She passes the phone to Martin, who glares at Frasier and Daphne,
making them stop staring at him. She brings some tea to Frasier.

Martin: Hi. Really? No, I'm not busy, dinner sounds like fun.
Daphne: [to Frasier] A certain someone is inviting a certain someone
else to dinner.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Yes, where would the world be without you Brits
and your knack for code-cracking?
Martin: [still on phone] Oh yeah, yeah, sure I'd love to. Thanks.
And thanks for asking me. Bye. [puts phone down] She's
invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little
hard-to-get plan really paid off.
Daphne: Yes, you should really write a book; "How To Get A Date In
Two Easy Years."

The doorbell sounds and Frasier answers the door to his brother.

Frasier: Oh, hello Niles.
Niles: Frasier. Hey Dad, hey Daphne.
Martin: What you got there?
Niles: [holds up his papers] Oh, just some patient files. Frasier's
helping me with my couples' group tomorrow night.
Daphne: You'r father's starting his own couples' group tomorrow night.
Niles: Ha! [realizes] Oh, Mrs. Crowley?
Martin: Oh, geez! [goes to his room]
Frasier: It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department
than either of us.
Niles: Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you.
Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not
the expressway, then at least the on-ramp. And I owe it all
to the best psychiatrist I have ever known...
Frasier: Oh that's very flattering, Niles...
Niles: Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is
nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him
as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to
repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know
exactly what to call it.
Frasier: The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.
Niles: Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too. He immediately
pinpointed my primary failing.
Frasier: Which is?
Niles: Well... I'm too predictable.
Frasier: I don't know whether I'd count that as a failing, exactly.
Niles: Well, I do, and more importantly, so does Maris. But I'm
going to do something about it. In half an hour I'm going
to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
Frasier: In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your
workshop!
Niles: I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You
see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in
her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy
as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in
her bed, as randy as a...nother stoat.
Frasier: Gee Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea...
Niles: Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you,
so please don't take offense when I point out that, with your
track record in relationships, you're about the last person
who should be giving advice.
Frasier: Fair enough!
Niles: Oh and do look over the files! Those couples really need
our help.

Niles leaves and we are left with Frasier who begins filing through
the notes.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Mansion
Meanwhile, in the bedroom of Maris's mansion an adventure is about to
unravel. The shower in the adjoining room can be heard as Niles rushes
in and takes back the bed sheets. He puts a rose on Maris's pillow and
dims the lights. Niles exits as the shower is turned off.

The showerer comes into the room in pajamas. It isn't Maris, but Dr.
Schenkman. He slaps some aftershave on before looking at his stomach
in the mirror. He tries to hold it and fails. Schenkman then sees the
rose on the pillow and thinks Maris has dropped it off. He blows a kiss
to the opposite door. Then he fetches a bottle of champagne in an ice
bucket which he nestles by the bed before exiting again.

Niles enters the room again, now dressed in his pajamas. He notices
the bottle of champagne.

Niles: [saucily] Hello, Maris!

Niles exits the room again, with a naughty chuckle.

Schenkman re-enters with two glasses. He kisses the air and fills the
first glass, then fills the second and toasts the other door with it.
He then exits to the shower room.

Niles enters again. He puts a CD into a small stereo on the bedside
table. Smoochy classical music sounds and Niles begins swaying.
Yet he remembers something else and exits.

Schenkman enters again and notices the music. He loosens his dressing
gown and does a few dance shuffles. Then he sprays perfume all over
the bed, including underneath the covers. He sprays some on himself
before going back to the bathroom.

Niles enters with some rose petals which he excitedly throws over the
bed. Then he hears someone coming out of the bathroom. He jumps into
bed and turns the light out.

Schenkman enters the room and notices "she" is in bed. He turns out
the bathroom light, pitching the room into total blackness.

Schenkman climbs into bed. The two lovers reach for their ideal mate...

Both: Maris? [noticing] AHHH!

Niles switches the lights on. They sit up and scream at each other.

END OF ACT ONE (Time: 8:17)

ACT TWO

Scene One
The scene resumes in Maris's bedroom.

Niles: Dr. Schenkman!
Schenkman: Niles!
Niles: Dr. Schenkman, what the hell's going on?!
Schenkman: Well, it's not what it looks like... what am I saying?
Niles: For God’s sake!

He angrily gets out of the bed, Schenkman does also.

Schenkman: Bear with me, I'm sorry. I’m, I'm feeling a little
stressed.
Niles: [shouting] You're feeling stressed?!
Schenkman: Put yourself in my place.
Niles: I very nearly did! I'm stunned! How... how long has this
been going on?
Schenkman: Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt
that you were ready.
Niles: That's despicable! It's unethical, it's... [notices his
clothes] are those my pajamas?
Schenkman: Could be. They bind a little in the crotch. Listen,
whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach
my guilt.
Niles: Don't bet on it!
Schenkman: Ah good, that's good, vent that rage. You have every right
to.
Niles: You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission
to be angry?!
Schenkman: Furious.
Niles: Ah-ah.
Schenkman: Livid.
Niles: Ah!
Schenkman: Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way.
Niles: Oh!
Schenkman: [holds up champagne glass] I don't suppose you'd care-
Niles: No! Do you realize you could lose your license for having
an affair with a patient?
Schenkman: Yes, and I deserve to. But it was a risk worth taking,
because of love. [lies on the couch, while Niles buries his
face in his hand] Ah... oh! I love her, Niles. I've never
known a woman so warm... so nurturing... so unselfish...

Niles looks confused at this description.

Niles: Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?
Schenkman: Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me
the real woman inside.
Niles: Damn you, I trusted you! Because you were supposed to be
helping us! And I liked you too, you bastard! You betrayed
my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife!
Schenkman: Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there? Think
maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?

Niles sees red and starts to throttle Schenkman. As Schenkman yells
for mercy, we FADE OUT.

Scene Two
The scene changes to Niles's private practice. In the waiting room
Frasier greets a rather late Niles.

Frasier: You are twenty minutes late.
Niles: Sorry.
Frasier: [unsatisfied] "Sorry?" This is your group, I've been making
small talk with these people for the last twenty minutes.
Do you know what small talk is like with people who have a
problem communicating? It's tiny talk!
Niles: Frasier, I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't
care to discuss, so let's just begin and you know what, maybe
you should take the lead, OK?
Frasier: Very well.

Niles & Frasier enter the office where several couples are sitting
around.

Niles: Evening, all. Sorry I'm late, my fault.
Frasier: If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge. I feel
that I do know a great deal about this group. I've spent
a good deal of time poring over your case histories. So,
let's begin. Mrs. Budinger, I see that you're here alone.
Janice: Yes.
Frasier: Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you?
Janice: No, he's just stubborn sometimes. He says he doesn't trust
psychiatrists.

Niles lets out a crazed, sarcastic laugh.

Niles: Yeah, well... maybe he's got good reason not to!
Frasier: Excuse me?
Janice: Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here. Sometimes
we role-play, and I think he's just saying what my husband
might say.
Frasier: Sounds promising, why don't we proceed, Janice? How would you
respond to what your husband has just said?
Janice: Well, OK... you know, Dan, I don't think it's psychiatrists
that you mistrust, I think that it's me. Why are you so
suspicious lately?
Niles: Oh, I think you know very well.
Janice: What, a couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone
does that.
Niles: Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make
me feel?
Frasier: [to a confused couple] He's empathizing with the husband, we
call this "empathizing."
Janice: Well, what about you? Are you going to tell me you've never
even looked at anyone else?
Niles: [standing up] Don't you dare bring her into this! She is
clean and pure and decent!
Frasier: Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
Niles: At least I've always been faithful to you!
Janice: [stands up] I've always been faithful to you!
Niles: I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world,
but now, now... [cries] I don't see how I possibly can!
Frasier: Did I mention that my brother's one of the greatest
empathizers in the business?
Niles: Now I just want to DIE!

He collapses into his chair, sobbing.

Frasier: You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen
minute break, why don't we? [the patients start to leave the
room] We've had quite a catharsis here - now traditionally it
is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be
sticklers.

He ushers them out, but Janice hangs back.

Janice: Dan and I have never cheated on another! You've got to
believe me!
Frasier: Well, I do, I do, Janice, and please remember, no-one is here
to judge anyone else's behavior. [closes door and shouts at
Niles] What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
Niles: Maris is having an affair with Schenkman!
Frasier: [stunned] Schenkman! Why, that contemptible bastard.
Niles: He was waiting at the house for her when I got there.
Frasier: I'm so sorry, Niles. Is there anything I can do?
Niles: I don't see how. They're in love, they plan to get married!
Frasier: He told you that?
Niles: Mmm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in - once she'd
stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
Frasier: I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be going so well with the
two of you.
Niles: That's what I thought. [thinks] You know, maybe Maris's
feelings for Dr. Schenkman aren't real! Maybe this is simply
a case of transference.
Frasier: Well, patients often do believe they've fallen in love with
their analysts, it's very common, it's happened to everyone.
Niles: I know, it's happened to me!
Frasier: Oh, get out of town!
Niles: Several times. Well, I bet that's exactly what's going on
here!
Frasier: [to himself] I've never had a patient fall in love with me.
Niles: Schenkman's an authority figure, Maris is easily influenced...
Frasier: Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.
Niles: I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that!
Frasier: Now, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping
at straws.
Niles: No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this
just one more sh*t.
Frasier: How?! What more could you possibly do?
Niles: I just need to talk to her alone. Try to make her realize
what a mistake she's making.
Frasier: Niles, just bear one thing in mind...

Frasier follows Niles out of his office and shouts in earshot of the
listening patients.

Frasier: Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of
discussion will save it!

Niles leaves; Frasier turns back to the patients, who are all staring
at him, aghast.

Frasier: Well, then... shall we resume?

FADE TO:

THE GOING RATE FOR
CLOSURE IS $1411.80


Scene Three
Later, Frasier is on the phone to Daphne in his apartment.

Frasier: No, don't worry, Daphne, that's all right, you have fun. I'll
be fine. See you tomorrow, everything will be fine, OK. Oh,
Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet! [laughs]
Maybe I'll see him in the morning too. [she prolongs him]
Alright... yes, it is a very romantic story. OK, Daphne...
Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple. Anyway... Right,
right, Daphne, yes I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't
they?

Frasier goes to the front door, opens it and sounds the bell.

Frasier: Oh well, there's the door. OK. [puts phone down]

It seems that Frasier simply saved a very tired Niles from ringing it,
who wearily enters.

Frasier: Niles? I thought you were talking with Maris.
Niles: It's over. Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?
Niles: Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring
the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned
on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman
through gates, through windows, through key holes, and through
transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet
door.
Frasier: Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.
Niles: Well, I decided no more. I actually looked up at the house
and said, "Goodbye, Maris. I hope you have a happy life but
I don't have to take anymore of your crap ever again!" And
I turned on my heel and walked away.
Frasier: That's a courageous decision. How do you feel?
Niles: Not bad, surprisingly. I'm glad I went over, I needed the
closure. Now that it's over I feel a little sad of course,
but also strangely liberated.
Frasier: I'm very proud of you.

Frasier hugs his brother. They spend a few moments in silence before
Martin enters fresh from his date.

Frasier: Oh Dad, you're back. How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
Martin: Oh great, fabulous. Right up until the time she introduced me
to my date.
Frasier: I thought she was your date.
Martin: So did I. Turns out my date was her mother. Eighty-six years
young. I guess there was a little miscommunication when she
invited me.
Frasier: Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this; "how was mom?"
Martin: Well, she was very nice. Sleepy. [Frasier and Niles laugh]
But she smiled a lot, showed me pictures of her great-
grandchildren. She couldn't remember any of their names,
but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either. [laughs]
Frasier: Well, I think we could all use a little something from the
bar.
Martin: Well, I could use a big something.
Frasier: It hasn't been a good day all around.
Niles: Yeah, dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Niles: She-She's in love with someone else.
Martin: Oh, Niles. You all right?
Niles: Well, I will be.

Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch and three glasses, which he fills.

Frasier: [hands drinks around] Well, this may come as small consolation
to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do
to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced
twice, left at the alter once.

They share a chuckle, raise their glasses in a silent toast, and drink.
Martin takes the bottle.

Martin: Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.
Frasier: [as his glass is refilled] Thank you, dad.
Martin: [fills Niles's, then his own] Things with Sherry fizzled,
then Sleeping Beauty tonight...

Frasier and Niles share a laugh.

Martin: I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.

They lift their glasses again, mumbling toasts, and drink. Niles takes
the bottle.

Niles: I'll challenge you! Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed
with her lover.

Niles pours Martin's drink, but Martin nearly drops his glass when he
hears this.

Martin: Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
Niles: No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he
was Maris.
Frasier: It's a natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed!

The three share a good laugh. Martin pats Niles on the shoulder.

Frasier: Well, I think we have a three-way tie. [lifts his glass]
Here's to the Crane boys - love's big losers.

They clink glasses and drink.

Niles: You know, I said I needed closure. But I won't have until I
do one more thing. [takes off ring and heads to the balcony]
Frasier: Oh, now be careful, Niles. You know, from this height that
could hurt somebody.
Niles: [looks out] All clear!

Niles throws his ring over the balcony and they all rush to see it
drop.

Niles: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!

He turns to go back inside-

Martin: Uh Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?

And runs back out and peers over the balcony.

Martin: Whoa! [then] Oh well, a good body shop will be able to pound
that out.

The Crane men look over the balcony at Seattle.

Frasier: Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.
Martin: Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
Niles: Thousands! Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate
ourselves.
Frasier: [shouting] Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes,
no waiting!
Martin: We're desperate!
Frasier: We're ludicrous!
Niles: We're pathetic!

They all chuckle to themselves before quieting down and staring,
pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene FADES OUT.

END OF ACT TWO. (Time: 20:38)

Credits:

Martin goes to the door and looks through the spy hole. The door
opens; it's Mrs. Crowley's mother. She gives him a cake tin, kisses
him on the cheek, and leaves. Martin licks his lips as he opens the
tin. But she has forgotten to put a cake in it.