02x08 - Head to Head

[bunniefuu]

(Beeping)

They're coming!

(Hulk roaring)

(Tires squealing)

(Roaring)

Man: (On pa) Fall back to base. don't let them get the m*ssile!

(Roaring)

Thor, are you serious? Everyone knows cape's stupid!

Ha! Says the Avenger in the short pants!

(Grunting)

(Brakes screeching)

Man: Ground troops, form a perimeter! There are only two of them!

(Groaning) (Groaning)

This competition has no winner, guys.

Of course, there's a winner!

The one with the coolest sunglasses!

(Grunting)

(Arrow humming)

Reduce power!

Are we really arguing over who has the best uniform again?

Ahh!

(Grunting)

Ahh! don't push me. I'll launch this!

Ow!

Doesn't look like you'll be launching anything, guys.

By the way, any Avengers gear is better than those A.I.M. Uniforms.

Blinding yellow?

Black Widow: No, you don't!

(Groaning)

(Beeping)

Uh-oh.

Tony!

(Grunting)

Excuse me.

I usually stay out of this, but...

I vote for the uniform I vote for the uniform that can throw a 10 megaton m*ssile off-course!

Nice try, A.I.M.

Another "advanced idiotic mistake."

(Growling)

(Roaring)

Love short pants.

Airy.

(Beeping)

No shock here. Perfect score.

I knew you had video games in that armor.

Tell the truth. When you're talking to Fury, you're mostly playing games.

No!

Sometimes.

But this isn't a video game.

It's a performance monitor, and we're operating at 100%.

Maximum capacity.

Maximum? We can always do better.

You're mathematically challenged, Hawkeye. 100% is 100%!

You and your math.

Mind over matter, Tony.

There are variables a program can't determine.

My program can.

Can your program determine the best uniform?

(Aircraft Blades whirring)

Good morning, S.H.I.E.L.D.

Got it under control, guys.

One A.I.M. Squadron ready for pickup.

(g*ns cocking)

Iron Man: Hey, you want to watch where you're pointing that?

Ahh!

(Grunting)

Well, that was 100% completely unexpected.

S.H.I.E.L.D.! Cease-fire!

Man: Avengers, surrender!

Does anyone have Fury's cell number?

S.H.I.E.L.D. comms aren't letting me through.

There's no need for combat!

Too late.

Hulkbuster engaging!

(Roaring) (expl*si*n)

(Grunting)

What did we do to make them so mad?

I don't know. But I blame Hawkeye.

Yeah, 'cause they're really ticked that I ate all their S.H.I.E.L.D. pizza bagels.

(All coughing)

Regroup at the jet!

Well, if they're gonna be mad at us, let's give them something to be mad about!

(Engine powering down)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

Well, that impressed even me.

Whoa! They sent the whole Tri-Carrier?

Jeez! I'll buy you a new hover cycle.

Captain America: How did we make S.H.I.E.L.D. so angry?

Tony, tell me your suit's back online.

Just barely. This has got to be Hawkeye's fault.

Hulk! I believe this is called a set!

(Grunting)

(Growling)

(Distorted gasping)

Spike!

(Grunting)

Guys! Remember me? Sam Wilson!

Used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. trainee?

(Grunting)

Okay? Guess not!

Your efficiency program anticipate complete betrayal by S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Incoming!

Black Widow: (On pa) Everybody in!

Widow? But we already have the Avenjet.

We're not going home.

Thor! Hulk! Give us some cover!

Cover you shall have!

(Hulk roaring)

So, we have a hornet problem, and what do we do?

Fly right into the hornet's nest.

Fury has some explaining to do.

In all likelihood, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s been compromised.

Or this is about the time I took Fury's eye patch.

Black Widow: That was you?

(Keyboard clacking)

Automated voice: Access granted.

Man: (On PA) This is an unscheduled landing.

Identify yourselves!

We're here to see Fury, guys.

Not you!

(Grunting)

Intruders!

Careful! S.H.I.E.L.D.'s still our ally!

Do they know that?

(S.H.I.E.L.D. agents grunting and coughing)

Close it!

You seriously expect to hack into Fury's...

Hmm. Of course, she does.

(g*ns cocking)

Looking for me?

Fury, I'm giving you 10 seconds to explain what's going on here.

Your operations have defied more than enough international laws.

I'm shutting the Avengers down and taking you in.

Let's hear him out first.

Fury could have some valid points.

(Sighing)

I do not look good in a prison uniform.

Look, Stark. I don't like being in this position either, but my superiors promise there's still room to negotiate your sentencing.

Fury: Public sentiment about the Avengers has changed in recent times.

Your conflicts with the Cabal were reckless.

You say "reckless"? I say, "saved the world a dozen times over."

That's not how S.H.I.E.L.D. sees it, but more importantly...

That's not how M.O.D.O.K. sees it!

I knew it! Looks like Cap owes me a shoarma sandwich.

You two had a bet? I swore it'd be Red Skull behind this.

Red Skull was a fool who thought teamwork was the only way to defeat the Avengers.

Teamwork is for the weak.

An army with a hive mind controlled by M.O.D.O.K.

Is the only way to destroy the Avengers and control the world!

I like your fashion accessory.

Is that what I think it is?

The Mind Stone called to me. It claimed me!

Ah, as if M.O.D.O.K.'s head wasn't big enough already.

Oh, you don't understand the extent of my new powers.

I am no longer limited to mere technology.

M.O.D.O.K. now controls minds!

(All screaming)

(Chuckles)

All the Avengers now belong to me!

(Grunting)

One problem.

We're not all here!

What?

Ahh! Ow!

(Groaning)

Miss us?

(Grunting)

(Roaring)

Come here, M.O.D.O.K.!

(Screaming)

S.H.I.E.L.D. is a distraction. Focus on the Mind Stone!

Let's bring an end to this now!

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(expl*si*n)

(In Thor's voice) (Groaning)

Did we win?

Huh?

(In Black Widow's voice) I don't think so.

(In Hulk's voice) Something's not right.

(All mumbling)

(In Falcon's voice) Is this for real?

Am I the only one totally freaked out right now?

Hawkeye: Nope. I'm in the wrong body too.

Major problem.

Iron Man: We're all in the wrong bodies, Hawkeye.

Looks like we just got a crash course in the power of the Mind Stone.

Captain America: Which M.O.D.O.K. escaped with.

Thor: Black Widow, how do you achieve such acrobatic feats in this preposterously uncomfortable outfit?

(Hulk grunting)

(Black Widow moaning)

Should have switched with Thor.

Hawkeye: Too late!

Well, if this is the deal, I'm making the most of it.

Come here, Mjolnir.

(Grunting)

Oh, come on!

If it looks like Thor, and flexes like Thor...

Thor: Mjolnir knows you're an impostor.

It returns to Asgard to await its true owner.

Hawkeye: Thor without the hammer? It's like Tony without his money! Oh!

Captain America: M.O.D.O.K.'s still controlling S.H.I.E.L.D.!

(Grunting)

Iron Man: Avengers! Scramble!

Captain America: Tony, I've seen you do this a thousand times.

Close enough.

Iron Man: Hulk!

Hulk: Here!

No, I mean Widow.

I am Thor.

Whoever's in Hulk's body, smash that blast door.

Black Widow: You got it.

(Footsteps thumping)

Hi-yeah!

(Grunting)

(Moaning)

Hulk: Always lead with the shoulder, never the head.

Hmm. Right.

(Keyboard clinking) (Beeping)

(Rattling)

Falcon: When did the Tri-Carrier turn into a haunted house?

Hawkeye: Iron Man, your video game compensate for a mind switch?

What are we operating at, huh? 0%?

Iron Man: It's not a video game, Hawkeye. It's a program. An efficiency program.

Captain America: 17%.

This armor really is intuitive.

It's like a second skin.

Black Widow: Like the second skin on Hulk's teeth?

It's like I'm wearing sweaters on them.

When was the last time you brushed?

Hulk: Uh, brushed?

Ugh.

Iron Man: We won't be performing at 17% for long.

When I get that Mind Stone contained, it should reverse the mind swap.

I hope. Problem.

M.O.D.O.K. still has it, and he's missing.

Falcon!

Both: Yes?

The Falcon that's Cap.

Can you log into S.H.I.E.L.D. and trace the Mind Stone's energy signal onboard?

Falcon: Not a problem.

(Beeping)

(Footsteps thumping)

Hawkeye: That can't be good.

Captain America: Hulkbusters. We don't have much time.

(Beeping)

Falcon: Got it. Cargo hold.

(Crashing) (Groaning)

Hulkbuster: Eliminate Avengers.

Iron Man: Oh. Hey, mind giving us directions to the cargo hold?

M.O.D.O.K. is... Whoa!

I guess that means no!

Hulk: Hulk smash!

Ow!

(Moaning)

Captain America: We know each other's moves. This shouldn't slow us down.

(Grunting) Avengers assemble!

(Groaning)

Iron Man: He makes this look so easy.

(Iron Man grunting)

Thor: Whoa!

Black Widow: Hey!

Falcon: Wasn't that supposed to come back on its own?

(Black Widow grunting)

Falcon: Thanks!

(Grunting)

(Black Widow grunting)

Black Widow: Widow smash!

(Black Widow grunting)

Captain America: Stand back. I've got this.

Falcon: Maybe not!

(Captain America grunting)

Hawkeye: "This armor's really intuitive," Cap says.

Hulk: (Grunting)

Just want to smash something!

(Grunting)

Falcon: Oil slick arrow. Amazing.

How'd you know to use that?

Iron Man: Careful observation and mental agility.

Hawkeye: You were going for the expl*sive arrow, weren't you?

Iron Man: Cargo hold.

Hawkeye: Why can't we just let Widow run through the door again?

Loved that.

(Groaning)

Black Widow: That made this whole body swap worth it.

Iron Man: Give it up, M.O.D.O.K. We've got... hey!

Who turned out his lights?

Falcon: This doesn't make any sense.

If he's unconscious, how did he get here?

Hulk: Who cares? Get stone.

Need out of this puny body.

Falcon: Puny?

(Humming)

Iron Man: This is in your hands, Cap.

Focus the shields to the right glove.

(Thudding) (All exclaiming)

Black Widow: Hulk, what did you eat for lunch?

(Gagging)

I think it's coming back up.

(All groaning)

Whoa!

(Evil laughter)

Hawkeye: I'm not the only one seeing this, right?

Ah, the mighty Avengers.

Looks like the Mind Stone was indiscriminate in its blast.

Let's just say, I've bulked up.

(Growling)

(Chomping)

Hawkeye: Fall back!

If only Red Skull could see me now.

Captain America: M.O.D.O.K.'s swapped minds with the Tri-Carrier!

Iron Man: Which explains why his real body's unconscious.

Hawkeye: Sorry, Thor.

Thor: What for?

Hawkeye: This.

(Hawkeye grunting)

(Modok screaming)

(Hawkeye groaning)

Hawkeye: Oh! I am glad this isn't my body.

(Beeping)

Falcon: M.O.D.O.K.'s on to us. He's hiding the Mind Stone.

Iron Man: Fine. We split up and find his body.

Iron Man: We need to get control of that stone first. Hawkeye, Falcon, come with me.

Iron Man: You're trained as a spy, Hawkeye. Tread lightly.

Hawkeye: Have you seen these boots?

Falcon: Shh!

Iron Man: Power couplers.

M.O.D.O.K.'s transferring some kind of energy source.

Falcon: Hmm. At least, they didn't spot us.

Hawkeye: Why'd you say that out loud? You jinxed us!

(Evil laughter)

There's nowhere to hide when I am the Tri-Carrier!

Black Widow: (Groaning)

Thor, give me your hand.

Thor: Ouch! Be delicate!

Black Widow: It's my hand. I can take it.

I know the layout of the ship.

If I was going to hide M.O.D.O.K.'s body, this is where I'd do it.

Captain America: Tony, the Mind Stone's still intact. Mission accomplished.

(Roaring) (Groaning)

Yes. My mission.

(All screaming)

Hawkeye: We've still got him.

Black Widow: Right.

(All screaming)

(All screaming)

I never thought I'd see the day the Avengers were so incompetent!

You make the Cabal look like a finely-tuned machine!

Captain America: Do not let M.O.D.O.K. get his body!

(All screaming)

(Hulk grunting)

(Hawkeye grunting)

Thor: I pray Tony's team is graced with more success.

Hawkeye: Ah! A disastrous plan!

Tony...

(Iron man grunting)

Iron Man: I don't recall you offering a better one!

(All groaning)

(Iron Man groaning)

(Evil laughter)

Hawkeye: (Straining)

Let's see how strong this body really is!

(Groaning)

Hawkeye: Taking credit for that.

Iron Man: You can have it.

Only one reason M.O.D.O.K. would stop his attack.

Falcon: He got his body exactly where he wants it.

Yes. Prepare for the download.

Captain America: Tony, we got eyes on M.O.D.O.K.'s body.

Sending you our location now.

Iron Man: Hard to believe somebody would want to get back into that body.

Hawkeye, I haven't had to ask anyone for help since the third grade, but if we're gonna take down M.O.D.O.K., I need tips on how you sh**t.

Hawkeye: No, you don't.

Iron Man: Huh?

Is that helmet cutting off circulation to your brain?

Hawkeye: We're failing, because we're trying to be something we're not.

You're Tony Stark, not Hawkeye.

You can take a yo-yo and turn it into a time b*mb.

If we're gonna win, we need to think outside the box. Or outside of the body.

It begins!

Captain America: Avengers! Stop M.O.D.O.K.'s transfer.

We can't let him get control of the Mind Stone!

(Grunting) (Grunting)

(Grunting) (Groaning)

(Evil laughter)

I still have more than enough power left to keep your pathetic team at bay!

(Hawkeye grunting)

Thor: Hawkeye!

My armor needs those things! (Black Widow grunting)

Hawkeye: Not as much as I do!

(Hawkeye grunting)

(modok screaming)

Iron Man: Hawkeye's right.

Iron Man: Avengers! Stop trying to fight like the body you're in!

Fight like yourself!

Black Widow: Really?

(Groaning)

(Black Widow grunting)

(Black Widow groaning)

These short pants really are airy.

(Falcon groaning)

Hulk: Falcon, smash!

Thor: We've only got seconds!

(Iron Man grunting)

Iron Man: Say good-bye to your stone, M.O.D.O.K.!

(Distorted groaning)

Thor: In this or any other form, I am still the son of Odin!

Mjolnir! To me!

(Distorted screaming)

(Thor grunting)

What happened?

(Shield agents muttering)

Captain America: Avengers! Sound off! Cap!

Black Widow: Widow! With fresh breath.

Hulk: (Exhales)

Hmm.

Breath does stink.

Show me how you did that flip?

Thor: Who knew my armor could also be a w*apon?

(modok breathing heavily)

What? Where...

Falcon: Excuse me.

(Screaming)

Goal! And?

Iron Man: 115%.

Someone told me that was impossible.

Iron Man: Someone wasn't thinking outside the box... or body.

Fury: Stark, it's far too dangerous.

The Mind Stone should be in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands, not holed up in your tower.

Iron Man: Public sentiment about S.H.I.E.L.D.

Has been changing in recent times, Fury.

M.O.D.O.K.'s invasion alone...

Was an anomaly!

Security has been reestablished.

Well, maybe so, but we're still holding on to the Mind Stone. Avengers out.

You were totally playing video games the whole time, weren't you?

New high score.