01x02 - Episode 2
Posted: 12/02/15 03:31
Are you getting these, too?
Every day now. Everyone in the road.
Detective Inspector Mill.
Here about the postcards.
It's because we're all millionaires.
Our houses.
You wouldn't find a doctor down here before. Or a banker.
Thank you, Mark. No need to over-elaborate on the terminology, we all know you're a clever young man.
There's no reason why this bonus might not be closer to two million than one.
I buy new, everything top spec. You know me, Mrs Yount, my personal guarantee.
But I have met a wonderful lady here.
If you're looking for the sender of those postcards, how about someone who comes here every morning with a grudge?
If I return, I will be k*lled.
You do know you're not legally permitted to work, don't you?
Ms Kwama Lyons. What do you want?
Well, why don't we start with you telling me your real name?
It's me. Iqbal Rashid.
What you doing here?
Hope you don't mind me using your laptop.
Who's the artist? It's my grandson.
We could perhaps treat the tumour with chemotherapy. No.
Don't you think now might be the right time to sell up?
It's too late now. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. It's too late!
'I've gone away for a few days...'
Turn it off, Conrad!
'..to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me, you spoilt, lazy, lame excuse of a man!'
This programme contains some strong language.
Goodness knows what fresh Alaskan awaits.
I'm just hoping my absence might have made the penny drop.
But I'm not holding my breath.
I am going to have to go, darling, there appears to have been some kind of nuclear w*r.
♪ So if you want ♪
♪ To be free ♪
♪ To live your life... ♪
Roger!
Roger!
Daddy said bad words, Joshy did a poo and Father Christmas brought me an Emperor Zerg.
Hello. I'm Matya. Can I help you with your bag?
Did you bring presents, Mummy?
Hello. Hello, little man.
It's Autobots fighting Decepticons.
Oh, that's lovely, darling!
There you go. An agency? On Christmas Day?
You must have been keen.
I just finished my last job.
I have references.
I'm sure you do.
Conrad. Mummy might like one of the cakes we made.
Oooh... They look lovely, darling. Maybe later, though, yes?
Huh?
I'm just going to go upstairs and see my grown-up child.
♪ Oooh Friends are always tellin' me ♪
♪ You're a user. ♪
Oh, hi! You're back.
Didn't hear you over the 1990s.
Nice break? Yes, thank you.
You've met Matya. I've just hired her.
She's, er, my very own Christmas miracle.
Well, haven't you been enterprising!
I hope you weren't too worried about the boys.
Mind you. They're very resilient, aren't they, children?
Now... Where to begin?
Roger, I really can't be having... I think we are looking at a period of fiscal rectitude.
Fiscal rectitude?
Sounds like some sort of internal examination.
Roger, you and I both know your bonus is about to come bouncing home. Ah, my bonus!
Yes, now, my bonus... Do you know how much my bonus is this year?
It's not two million.
It's not one million. It's £30,000.
You expect me to believe that, Roger?
Just grow up!
India, darling, Merry Christmas.
How lovely to hear from you.
No, no, skiing's off this year, wrist-slashing tedium - just a little cottage in Minchinhampton.
Hardly a holiday!
Shoes off.
Turn around, please.
Feet up.
And the other.
See you later. See you, mate. Bye.
Say, hello to Daadi.
'Why are you crying, little baby?
'Babies do need their sleep, Rohinka.'
Night, Ammi.
'Shahid, are you there?
'I've met a dentist with three daughters - all of them dentists.'
I've got a dentist, thank you, Ammi.
Nice Jewish chap in Golders Green.
'We'll talk some more when I come to visit next week.'
What?
Next week? 'What?'
Mum. It's, er, cold this time of year.
Why don't you try spring, hey?
'I think you need me to come and speak to the police about those abusive postcards you told me about, Ahmed. What? IN URDU: Are you coming to the airport this time to pick me up? Or will you be leaving me waiting at Heathrow, at the mercy of muggers and Africans? 9.00pm. Terminal 5. Wednesday. Make sure you find out from the travel agent.'
What?
What?
What did you tell her about the postcards for?
I was making conversation.
Nice one. What, do you think I like having her over?
Criticising my business, my weight, the way I bring up my kids and my conduct as a Muslim.
She might have a point there.
It's all right for you. You're under her radar.
The moment I'm married off to some embarrassed girl, you'll be next in line. Are you going to denounce arranged marriage?
Not for you, perhaps. Only chance you've got with those looks.
Hello.
We're going to get the internet material taken down and we are well on our way to tracing the owners of the blog, but that's not the same thing as finding out who the person or persons responsible are. And that's where you come in. The community.
Eyes and ears.
The vandalism in the street. The graffiti.
I want you all to be vigilant.
We need you to be vigilant. Any strange behaviour. Any detail.
Any sound. However insignificant...
Yes? The gentleman there with the blue jumper.
When you came into our shop, you mentioned harassment as one of the likely charges.
That's just something that happens in their head, though right?
Like, if I feel harassed by you, that counts as harassment?
Well, perhaps now isn't the best time for a discussion on the etymology of the term harassment.
The majority of the people in this room are here because they feel upset or distressed by these things that have happened.
It isn't fair to call it something in their heads.
Will there be compensation of some kind?
It's not really my area, I'm afraid.
But are you aware if it has had an effect on the local housing market?
The purpose of this meeting...
That traffic warden. The African lady.
She had nothing to do with it, then?
Er... No.
No. The campaign had nothing to do with her as it turns out.
So why did you arrest her?
I think we may be straying away from the subject here. Erm...
I promise you she had nothing to do with the postcards.
If she was committing criminal acts in our road, then surely...
She was working illegally, in contravention of her refugee status.
Does that count as a result for you?
Like, it's the League Cup but it's still a trophy?
There was footage of my children outside our house posted on that website.
And that's not something anybody wants to happen, but...
But if it's any comfort, it doesn't seem like your children were targeted.
It looks like a coincidence that they wandered into the film while the person or persons unknown were making it.
A coincidence? Oh, I see.
Well, since by your own admission you literally don't have a clue, then I fail to see how your explanation is even remotely reassuring.
You didn't have to say anything. "Harassment is in the mind," what's that even supposed to mean?
I was deconstructing his imperialist mode of discourse.
Yep. I think that landed. Look, you were wasting police time.
I just want them to stop some idiot sending cards and DVDs in the post.
I don't need you wasting their time.
Did you notice how he called me "gentleman in the blue jumper" to avoid saying Asian?
Hilarious(!)
It was a waste of time, really.
Were the Kamal family there?
Very nice family. Run the shop.
I didn't recognise anybody at all. Not a single soul.
Don't you think that's amazing?
I would have recognised people.
I'm not saying you wouldn't have, Mum.
The Kamal family for a start.
So you keep saying.
When you think about it, this is your house, but is it... is it your HOME... any more? I mean, it's bricks and mortar when it comes down to it, isn't it?
This is where I want to die. What?
Who's talking about that?
You are, aren't you? Isn't that where this is all leading?
Let's not tiptoe round the tulips.
I want to die here, where I've lived all my life.
And I'm sorry if that's inconvenient.
Am I talking about that, Mum? No, I'm not.
I'm thinking about where you'd be most comfortable.
I can move your bed downstairs to my dining room.
I've got a downstairs toilet, so...
Well, bully for you!
Sorry, that wasn't kind.
Thank you for all you're doing.
Like what?
You've never been an easy girl to thank. Like your dad.
Right, well... Let's not go there now, hey?
Oh, Piotr, Piotr.
Mum.
What? What? Stop stressing about her.
I'll come and see Gran. I'll give you a night off.
Mum. Of course I can look after her.
I've worked in a hospital for two years.
You make some arrangements, go out.
I don't know where. Anywhere.
Non-negotiable.
See you then.
Families, hey?
Yeah.
f*ck 'em, hey?
What did you say?
Mine. Yours. Just a trick of biology.
You're... you're saying, "f*ck my family."
Is that what you're saying?
You're disrespecting my family? This is my gran we're talking about.
Goodfellas. Right? What?
Joe Pesci. You know? "Saying I'm funny, I'm a clown? I amuse you?"
That's what you're doing, isn't it? That's you all over, isn't it?
Everything always reminds you of something else.
You wouldn't know real anger if it came and bit your bollocks off.
I don't get it. Are you angry now?
Yeah. Yeah, that was me being angry. It's a real emotion.
Sound familiar at all? No?
You just don't feel anything, do you?
And until you do, you will always be my assistant, secretly thinking that it should be you in the big chair and me running around with the coffees. I can get angry!
My coffee's cold. Get it yourself.
I think now you're mistaking anger with petulance.
Just go and get me a coffee. Quick.
'Don't trouble me, huh? I hope you have my flight number. Will I bring my own bedding this time or have you replaced those terrible sheets?'
We have bought new fitted sheets. And a new duvet.
Nice and warm.
'Not too warm, I hope.'
You're breaking up.
I saw that.
Don't judge me, Shahid.
I would never judge you, Rohinka.
Well, if you do I might just point out that your flat's bigger and she could stay at yours.
I can't see her sharing a sofa with Iqbal, can you?
No. But it might be good to watch.
Brilliant.
This is brilliant!
Where will I go? Well, there must be someone at the mosque with a spare room going who doesn't know what you're like.
That was a joke by the way. It can't be helped.
It's family. I'm sorry.
Why would your mum stay here and not with your brother and the kids?
Because, Iqbal, she wants to work on me. Marriage and all that.
I think she's got somebody in mind. A dentist from Karachi.
It isn't fair.
She has two sisters - also dentists if you're interested.
That isn't what I mean.
I know, Iqbal. But if you knew Mamji...
She's like a drone, mate.
And you're what the American infidels would call collateral damage.
Morning. Just these two. Thank you.
Oh!
Thank you for keeping the evidence. I'll be in touch.
It's an escalation, isn't it? It's more serious than before.
It's terrorism almost. I'm not sure I'd call getting a dead animal shoved through your door terrorism exactly, but...
I can't help thinking we are the wrong kind of victim.
Can you please start taking this problem more seriously?
I can only keep saying we are doing everything we can.
Which we are. Ah! Hello, erm...
DI Mill.
Well, I'll leave you to it. Mr Yount. Mrs Yount.
Thank you. Thank you.
What did he want?
We've had a corpse delivered in the post.
An animal of some kind.
Right. Right. Well...
Why don't you tell me about it on the way?
You do need to get a move on.
You can't seriously think I'm still coming? I'm completely traumatised.
Oh, Graham. I didn't mean to disturb you.
Your mother said you'd be here.
Yeah. Mum's gone out. She's on a large one.
That doesn't sound much like your mum.
Are you all right?
Stupid question, really.
Just tired.
What are you listening to on your whatsit, your hearing aids?
You wouldn't have heard of it, Gran.
Hm! Wouldn't be so sure about that.
The builders have their radios on full blast all day.
You'll be picking up a fair bit of Polish swear words as well, then.
Are you all right, Gran?
Do you want some water?
All I want is to know you'll be all right.
I know.
Are you?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Why should I believe that?
How do I know you're not just saying that to keep a dying old lady happy?
I'll tell you why.
But don't you go telling anybody else.
A secret.
I like that.
You know what?
I think it's a terrible idea. She'll be bored out of her mind.
It'll be a nice change for her.
I've been to those things a thousand times before, I find them so vulgar.
Matya, on the other hand, is from Hungary.
The nearest she's probably come to genuine luxury is the Easy Jet departure lounge. Exactly. She'll be out of her depth.
With your colleagues? Don't be stupid.
She won't have to talk much, just sit there looking pretty and pretending to listen while they go w*nk*ng on about sh**ting and the congestion charge.
(They'll think she's an escort.)
They're bankers. They'll admire your chutzpah.
If they interrogate you further, say I'm staying away as a protest against your tiny bonus.
They should be having a charity auction for us, quite frankly.
Wow! You look so much better in it than I do.
That, Roger, is your cue to say something flattering to me.
The next lot is... a day's fly fishing in Wiltshire.
Chalk stream. Complete with cream tea.
And who will give me £500?
Is all this just for fishing?
'500.'
From a river?
'Six? 700?'
You wait, it gets a whole lot more expensive.
'Nine. 900.'
And it's all for charity.
Well, they are very generous.
No. Just very competitive and ostentatious.
They haven't got a charitable bone in their body.
You talk as though you hate it.
Gone. For £1,300.
Rog. Rog.
f*ck me, you're a dark horse!
How much did you pay for her?
I'll have to change my escort agency.
If you must know, Arabella's ill. She's our children's nanny.
So, have you bid yet?
I don't think so.
Would you like to?
I don't have that money. No. I do. Go on.
The next lot is a signed Roger Federer shirt.
'2012. Who'll start me...?'
I'll pay. Go on.
Come on. No. no.
Just to see what it feels like. Go on.
Just to see the look on your face.
'800.'
Somebody start me at 800.
Go on. Go on.
'800.'
That's it.
That's 800 to the lady in the green dress.
'Who will give me £900? Over there, yes. 1,000.'
Go on.
'1,500.'
Again, again. Go on.
'1,600.'
Yes! Come on, one more and we'll get it. One more. Come on.
'1,700.'
Go on, go on, go on, go on.
'1,800.'
Raise your hand.
1,800.
'1,800, going once.
'Going twice.'
Gone to the lady in the green dress.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Want to get another one?
Not much of a night, back this early.
By your standards, perhaps.
God knows how you get up for work in the morning.
You don't need to worry about me.
Good. Cos I haven't got any worry left.
Thanks for looking after her for tonight.
It was nice to see her.
We had a nice chat, you know. No. I don't know.
She only ever talks to me if she wants to go to the toilet.
It was mainly me, all right?
Don't patronise me. And stop talking in that accent.
You weren't brought up to talk like that.
How would you know?
You weren't even there.
Well, your gran wouldn't like it. How about that?
Does that count?
It's not a competition.
"Palliative care in the community," they call it.
What? What we're doing now. Arguing while Mum dies.
They give it a title so that it sounds like they're doing something.
But they're not.
They gave it a title, that is them doing something.
Can't you just agree with me that it's tough?
What is it all for, in the end? Look at this place.
A lifetime of clutter. Is that all there is?
There's nothing wrong with this place.
For God's sake! I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it!
20 Silk Cut, please.
Of course. How is your mother?
How is Mrs Howe? Um... She's, um...
Oh, um, do you do decorating?
Yes. From time to time.
I know that you're a builder. I'm from number 84.
Do you do painting, papering, refurbishment, that kind of thing?
When do you want to start doing?
The sooner the better. As soon as possible.
Thank you. Thanks.
Well, now I feel I've corrupted you!
Why are you saying that?
Well, because I encouraged you to bid £2,000 for a sweaty T-shirt.
A sweaty T-shirt worn by Roger Federer. At Wimbledon.
There is a difference!
I think I ought to put it by my bed so I can see it before I go to sleep.
Yeah, of course.
Eh... Don't... don't do that.
It's still your night out.
Please. Don't do that now.
OK.
It's odd, but I've always had a lot of time for Roger Federer.
Not least because he's the only cool Roger in the world.
Well... Apart from Roger Moore that is.
I'm sure he's very much before your time.
Hm. Well...
At least now you'll be able to tell your friends in Hungary it's true.
The English do have more money than sense!
Why are you always apologising for what you've got?
Cos I'm not sure how I got it.
Because you are clever and you worked hard.
There's no shame in that.
When I first came into banking, it was all about relationships.
And now it's...
...it's all about maths.
Let's just say I'm better at the relationships bit.
I left everybody I loved behind in Hungary...
...just to come here and earn money.
I think I am just the same as you and Arabella.
Right?
I...I don't think so.
No.
Well, you are wrong.
Time for bed, I think.
Goodnight, Mr... Roger.
Oh, and thank you for a lovely evening.
Oops.
Night. Goodnight, Matya.
My God.
To be young and childless.
You come straight from the party?
Sleep is for lightweights, Roger.
I wouldn't do any flash trading with a hangover if I were you.
How's Matya?
I didn't see her this morning.
Did she have a nice evening?
Yes. Far as I know.
You don't know...
Like, she isn't...
Is she seeing anybody at the moment, do you know?
Oh, Mark. Dear me.
I know you are an ambitious young man and full marks for cheek, but I'm afraid Matya is rather out of your league.
Dear me. Dear me!
I don't know why we all have to be here.
Because last time it was just me and for two months we never heard the end of it.
This time we'll overwhelm her with our love and devotion.
She won't know what's hit her. That doesn't sound like Ammi.
Hey, you're not allowed to criticise her. You're her golden boy.
Let's have a bet on what she says first.
Gambling is un-Islamic.
That's better. I prefer you without sense of humour.
I'll go first. It will be, "Rohinka, what are you feeding my fatty son? Are you trying to k*ll him?"
"The flight was a horror."
Hello. She'll say, "Hello."
Of course she will, clever girl!
Right, she's here.
Daadi Jaan! Ah!
Gurhyaa!
All here this time. I can see that!
And nobody minding the till.
That's a lovely dress you're wearing, Fatima.
Allah ka shukar, your mum let you wear a dress for once.
And, Rohinka, what are you feeding my son?
He has no self-control, you must be his self-control.
What are you feeding him?
Or is he stuffing himself with snack food because he doesn't like what you cook him?
He looks like a gol gappa!
And I don't know what you're laughing about, huh?
25 years of age and no sign of a wife.
My son!
Come. Come.
Do you want the kitchen stripping out?
Um... Just make it modern, you know?
We'll get a kit from Ikea. Be basic but solid, you know.
Something new, that's the main thing.
Paintwork neutral?
Chalky Down is very popular.
We, eh... We can't go in there, I'm afraid.
But the bathroom will need renovating. Or refitting.
It's up to you. OK.
If you are having building work, I can sort out permission.
I know who to talk to at the council and so on.
We might just leave that to the buyer.
We just need a rough quote for tarting it up.
OK. No problem.
Are you all right to do the other rooms on your own?
I'll... I'll be in the kitchen.
Sorry...
I'm getting a few people in. Other quotes. Rough figures for now.
I'll have more idea when, um...
I'm looking for a good job, but we're looking to freshen it up a bit before we put it on the market, to be honest.
Morning, boss.
Oh.
Right.
Thanks. So you've been at it all night?
More or less.
What are you... what are you trying to say? I mean...
I don't know. You got any ideas?
Well, I mean, there's this wonderful quote by...
It's cold, mate.
Off you Trotsky.
In 2003, I was arrested in Harare, interrogated and beaten up. Then I was released.
Then I was arrested and beaten up again.
They told me I had 72 hours to leave the country.
So I was smuggled out by the missionaries.
Quentina.
The judge already knows all this.
It's terrible, but it's not relevant.
I came to England on a student visa.
And he will say, "And did you always intend to illegally outstay the visa?"
And I will say, "Yes. I intended to throw myself at the mercy of the British state."
And he will say, "How have you been supporting yourself since being refused asylum?"
I will say, "By working." By working illegally. Yes!
I wanted to give something back to England.
So instead of collecting my £43 a week allowance, I... I worked.
I paid my way.
I don't understand why your law would discourage that.
That isn't relevant.
He will ignore that and he will say that you came here with the intention of staying illegally.
And you did so, on the pretext that you were fleeing from persecution.
But it wasn't a pretext.
Don't contradict him. It'll piss him off.
He doesn't need to like me. He does, Quentina. He really does.
In fact, I'd say that's your only chance.
Well, that... is a problem.
Because there's only one person I know who thinks I'm likeable.
Quentina!
Quentina, where are you?
I don't know why you dragged me all the way here from Karachi for these.
They just seem like, um, some foolishness.
I hardly dragged you here, Ammi.
They love it round here. All that fussing and running around.
It's that great British middle-class battle cry -
"Something must be done!"
Especially if it might have an effect on property prices.
Those are our neighbours and customers you are talking rubbish about. I don't know, Ahmed.
This is a rare example of dear Usman being right about something.
Nobody's going to be marrying him for his brains, that's for sure!
Mayra gurhyaa! Will you do me a favour?
Will you ask your mother to put some sugar in this for me, gurhyaa?
I think she is trying to poison me!
Go on. Thank you!
Run, run! Quickly, quickly!
I think you should come up now.
I'm starting to think this second wave of crimes is being done by somebody new, somebody separate from the person who posted the cards.
A copycat?
If you like. But I hope this is reassuring.
We are closing in on the perpetrator. Make no mistake.
The traffic warden, the African lady, you thought that she'd done it, but she wasn't guilty of anything.
She was guilty of a lot of things, but not the postal campaign.
So it works like a curse.
I'm sorry?
Um, the postcards. They work like a bad luck charm.
First the traffic warden, then Mum.
Your mum? Mrs Howe? Why, what's happened to her?
She died, didn't I tell you?
No, I don't think you did.
Last night. Well, early this morning to be precise.
You don't want to be hearing this stuff now.
She was the last of her kind.
She lived here nearly all her adult life.
She got... she got married when she was 21 and never left.
Can you imagine?
Staying in the same place for... over 60 years?
Arms out, please.
Passport, please.
I tried to see a different lawyer at the Law Centre.
I waited all morning, but then I had to get back to work.
But - she rang me. She's coming to see you.
Don't rock the boat, Mashinko. Please.
I know you are trying to help, but you'll make things worse.
By standing up for you? Yes.
By standing up for me.
Now, you listen to me, my love.
Of course.
Let me just get my pad to take notes.
This isn't going to help me. I just need you to listen to me.
I am Quentina Mfeski, BSc, MSc, Political Science, the University of Zimbabwe.
I know, you told me you had a degree.
Are you going to let me finish talking?
I like to listen to Makoomba, Beyonce and I still love Brenda Fassie.
Why are you telling me this now?
Because I want you to know this about me.
And because when you think of me, I...
...I don't want you to think of just Quentina the traffic warden or...
...Quentina the detainee.
Because...
Because I don't want you to visit me again.
You feel an obligation because we went on two dates.
And I want to release you from that obligation.
Obligation?
You really don't understand...
...how lonely I was.
I had the church and the job and nothing else.
And then I had you. And you were kind.
You were kind and lovely...
And I'm here.
Beloved wife of Albert, proud mother of Mary and devoted grandmother of Graham.
I knew Petunia as a regular member of our congregation, but over the last few days, I feel I've got to know her a little better.
She moved into 84 Pepys Road over 60 years ago, as a new bride.
And although she saw many changes over the years, she remained a well-known and well-loved member of the community.
Over the last months of her life, she received, like all of those on Pepys Road, a series of postcards on which the sentence "We want what you have" was written.
Now, this campaign, intended perhaps to intimidate or amuse, was met by Petunia with her usual good humour and stoicism.
But I think the pranksters who sent these postcards were saying more than they knew when they posted the postcards through Petunia's door.
Because a life lived with patience, a life lived with fortitude, a life lived with humility and good humour, always a kind word for the neighbours, always a kind word for newcomers from whatever race.
Well.
I think it's fair to say, on reflection, that we should all want a little of what Petunia had.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Right. Thank you.
And you're the artist, right?
What?
Your grandma had your school paintings all over her wall.
Right. Yeah. Right.
When I went to see her about the postcards.
I'm the police officer investigating.
Ah, OK.
How you getting on with that? Well, it's funny you should ask me that because you've solved a little mystery for me today.
I'm sorry? I have?
You appear in one of the photographs of your grandmother's house.
At the front door. I was wondering who you were.
Me? Are you sure.
The latest set, for sure.
When were they taken? I don't know exactly, but they were posted on the website this week, so I am guessing fairly recently.
So why the sudden escalation?
Your guess is as good as mine at this point.
But we will find out, don't worry on that score.
I wasn't.
OK.
Oh, eh... Don't worry. You look after the boys.
It does me good to do this once in a blue moon.
Thank you.
Matya. Yep?
Er, you do know, don't you, that if you ever wanted to bring a friend here, we wouldn't mind?
That is kind. Thank you.
One more.
Friend. Boyfriend. Whatever.
Thank you. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment.
Right.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ All day long. ♪
I hate to interrupt this heart-warming, slash, nauseating scene, but has anyone seen my mobile?
OK, here we go.
Bogdan, darling, it's Arabella.
How busy are you at the moment?
Come on, come on. We don't have all day!
Come on. Hurry up.
Bogdan, darling, five seconds. Literally, five seconds. Come in.
Wait in the dining room.
Matya is coming!
Where are...?
Hello!
Where are you?
Oh! I see you!
Oh!
You are so mine!
You're it!
This was a game.
I know. I'm here to see Mrs Yount.
Joshy didn't do a poop today.
I did.
Oh, mi dispiace, Bogdan, I'm so sorry, I'm racked with guilt.
Listen, come with me. Can I show you my little thingies?
I wanted to change the white to one of those Swedish types.
Two sugars, by the way.
Pardon?
When I'm working here. I like two sugars in my tea.
Like the British builders.
I don't make tea for workmen. I look after the children.
It was a joke! Sorry.
So where are you from?
The Ukraine? Czech Republic? Hungary.
Ah, like the song.
What song?
Budapest.
I'm from Kecskemet.
There isn't a song about that.
Your turn to guess.
Oh, I don't need to. Arrogant, bad with children, builder - Polish.
Will you tell Arabella I will call her with the exact quote?
I am sure you can tell her yourself.
If that is not beneath you as a Pole and a man.
Joshua. Conrad.
Wash your hands for food, darlings!
Come on!
Holy Mother of God.
No.
No, no, no.
What?!
They all stack up in order of delivery.
I know how to stack newspapers, Rohinka.
Daadi Jaan? Ah!
Here she is. My little gurhyaa.
Nice sweet tea for Daadi Jaan. Huh?
Are those boys' pyjamas you're wearing?
You're funny, Daadi Jaan.
You shouldn't be up so early.
You won't be top of the class if you don't get enough sleep.
That's what I'm always telling her.
Well, she doesn't seem to take much notice of you.
Mm-mm!
Very good, Fatima. Not perfect, but...
Police! Stay where you are!
Armed police!
On the floor now! Arms behind your head. Arms behind your head!
On the floor now!
Arms behind your head! Arms behind your head!
Get down!
It's all right, darling. Let's go and find your mummy.
My wife and kids. Where are my... where are my wife and kids?
Where are my wife and kids?
What are you doing?
What are you doing, man? Get off! Get off me!
Stay still! Stay where you are.
Show me your hands! On the floor now! Get down on the ground.
Get down on the ground!
We will not get down.
Will you get down on the ground, Mum?!
You should be ashamed of yourself. Ill-mannered.
You, you! Yes, I'm talking to you!
Will you just get down, Mum?
I won't get down. You will have to sh**t me, young man.
Get down on the ground.
Mum, will you just get down?!
Is that what you're ready to do? Are you ready to sh**t me and then go home and tell your mother this is what you did?
What are you doing?!
Be quiet! Give me your hand.
I haven't done anything!
Every day now. Everyone in the road.
Detective Inspector Mill.
Here about the postcards.
It's because we're all millionaires.
Our houses.
You wouldn't find a doctor down here before. Or a banker.
Thank you, Mark. No need to over-elaborate on the terminology, we all know you're a clever young man.
There's no reason why this bonus might not be closer to two million than one.
I buy new, everything top spec. You know me, Mrs Yount, my personal guarantee.
But I have met a wonderful lady here.
If you're looking for the sender of those postcards, how about someone who comes here every morning with a grudge?
If I return, I will be k*lled.
You do know you're not legally permitted to work, don't you?
Ms Kwama Lyons. What do you want?
Well, why don't we start with you telling me your real name?
It's me. Iqbal Rashid.
What you doing here?
Hope you don't mind me using your laptop.
Who's the artist? It's my grandson.
We could perhaps treat the tumour with chemotherapy. No.
Don't you think now might be the right time to sell up?
It's too late now. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. It's too late!
'I've gone away for a few days...'
Turn it off, Conrad!
'..to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be me, you spoilt, lazy, lame excuse of a man!'
This programme contains some strong language.
Goodness knows what fresh Alaskan awaits.
I'm just hoping my absence might have made the penny drop.
But I'm not holding my breath.
I am going to have to go, darling, there appears to have been some kind of nuclear w*r.
♪ So if you want ♪
♪ To be free ♪
♪ To live your life... ♪
Roger!
Roger!
Daddy said bad words, Joshy did a poo and Father Christmas brought me an Emperor Zerg.
Hello. I'm Matya. Can I help you with your bag?
Did you bring presents, Mummy?
Hello. Hello, little man.
It's Autobots fighting Decepticons.
Oh, that's lovely, darling!
There you go. An agency? On Christmas Day?
You must have been keen.
I just finished my last job.
I have references.
I'm sure you do.
Conrad. Mummy might like one of the cakes we made.
Oooh... They look lovely, darling. Maybe later, though, yes?
Huh?
I'm just going to go upstairs and see my grown-up child.
♪ Oooh Friends are always tellin' me ♪
♪ You're a user. ♪
Oh, hi! You're back.
Didn't hear you over the 1990s.
Nice break? Yes, thank you.
You've met Matya. I've just hired her.
She's, er, my very own Christmas miracle.
Well, haven't you been enterprising!
I hope you weren't too worried about the boys.
Mind you. They're very resilient, aren't they, children?
Now... Where to begin?
Roger, I really can't be having... I think we are looking at a period of fiscal rectitude.
Fiscal rectitude?
Sounds like some sort of internal examination.
Roger, you and I both know your bonus is about to come bouncing home. Ah, my bonus!
Yes, now, my bonus... Do you know how much my bonus is this year?
It's not two million.
It's not one million. It's £30,000.
You expect me to believe that, Roger?
Just grow up!
India, darling, Merry Christmas.
How lovely to hear from you.
No, no, skiing's off this year, wrist-slashing tedium - just a little cottage in Minchinhampton.
Hardly a holiday!
Shoes off.
Turn around, please.
Feet up.
And the other.
See you later. See you, mate. Bye.
Say, hello to Daadi.
'Why are you crying, little baby?
'Babies do need their sleep, Rohinka.'
Night, Ammi.
'Shahid, are you there?
'I've met a dentist with three daughters - all of them dentists.'
I've got a dentist, thank you, Ammi.
Nice Jewish chap in Golders Green.
'We'll talk some more when I come to visit next week.'
What?
Next week? 'What?'
Mum. It's, er, cold this time of year.
Why don't you try spring, hey?
'I think you need me to come and speak to the police about those abusive postcards you told me about, Ahmed. What? IN URDU: Are you coming to the airport this time to pick me up? Or will you be leaving me waiting at Heathrow, at the mercy of muggers and Africans? 9.00pm. Terminal 5. Wednesday. Make sure you find out from the travel agent.'
What?
What?
What did you tell her about the postcards for?
I was making conversation.
Nice one. What, do you think I like having her over?
Criticising my business, my weight, the way I bring up my kids and my conduct as a Muslim.
She might have a point there.
It's all right for you. You're under her radar.
The moment I'm married off to some embarrassed girl, you'll be next in line. Are you going to denounce arranged marriage?
Not for you, perhaps. Only chance you've got with those looks.
Hello.
We're going to get the internet material taken down and we are well on our way to tracing the owners of the blog, but that's not the same thing as finding out who the person or persons responsible are. And that's where you come in. The community.
Eyes and ears.
The vandalism in the street. The graffiti.
I want you all to be vigilant.
We need you to be vigilant. Any strange behaviour. Any detail.
Any sound. However insignificant...
Yes? The gentleman there with the blue jumper.
When you came into our shop, you mentioned harassment as one of the likely charges.
That's just something that happens in their head, though right?
Like, if I feel harassed by you, that counts as harassment?
Well, perhaps now isn't the best time for a discussion on the etymology of the term harassment.
The majority of the people in this room are here because they feel upset or distressed by these things that have happened.
It isn't fair to call it something in their heads.
Will there be compensation of some kind?
It's not really my area, I'm afraid.
But are you aware if it has had an effect on the local housing market?
The purpose of this meeting...
That traffic warden. The African lady.
She had nothing to do with it, then?
Er... No.
No. The campaign had nothing to do with her as it turns out.
So why did you arrest her?
I think we may be straying away from the subject here. Erm...
I promise you she had nothing to do with the postcards.
If she was committing criminal acts in our road, then surely...
She was working illegally, in contravention of her refugee status.
Does that count as a result for you?
Like, it's the League Cup but it's still a trophy?
There was footage of my children outside our house posted on that website.
And that's not something anybody wants to happen, but...
But if it's any comfort, it doesn't seem like your children were targeted.
It looks like a coincidence that they wandered into the film while the person or persons unknown were making it.
A coincidence? Oh, I see.
Well, since by your own admission you literally don't have a clue, then I fail to see how your explanation is even remotely reassuring.
You didn't have to say anything. "Harassment is in the mind," what's that even supposed to mean?
I was deconstructing his imperialist mode of discourse.
Yep. I think that landed. Look, you were wasting police time.
I just want them to stop some idiot sending cards and DVDs in the post.
I don't need you wasting their time.
Did you notice how he called me "gentleman in the blue jumper" to avoid saying Asian?
Hilarious(!)
It was a waste of time, really.
Were the Kamal family there?
Very nice family. Run the shop.
I didn't recognise anybody at all. Not a single soul.
Don't you think that's amazing?
I would have recognised people.
I'm not saying you wouldn't have, Mum.
The Kamal family for a start.
So you keep saying.
When you think about it, this is your house, but is it... is it your HOME... any more? I mean, it's bricks and mortar when it comes down to it, isn't it?
This is where I want to die. What?
Who's talking about that?
You are, aren't you? Isn't that where this is all leading?
Let's not tiptoe round the tulips.
I want to die here, where I've lived all my life.
And I'm sorry if that's inconvenient.
Am I talking about that, Mum? No, I'm not.
I'm thinking about where you'd be most comfortable.
I can move your bed downstairs to my dining room.
I've got a downstairs toilet, so...
Well, bully for you!
Sorry, that wasn't kind.
Thank you for all you're doing.
Like what?
You've never been an easy girl to thank. Like your dad.
Right, well... Let's not go there now, hey?
Oh, Piotr, Piotr.
Mum.
What? What? Stop stressing about her.
I'll come and see Gran. I'll give you a night off.
Mum. Of course I can look after her.
I've worked in a hospital for two years.
You make some arrangements, go out.
I don't know where. Anywhere.
Non-negotiable.
See you then.
Families, hey?
Yeah.
f*ck 'em, hey?
What did you say?
Mine. Yours. Just a trick of biology.
You're... you're saying, "f*ck my family."
Is that what you're saying?
You're disrespecting my family? This is my gran we're talking about.
Goodfellas. Right? What?
Joe Pesci. You know? "Saying I'm funny, I'm a clown? I amuse you?"
That's what you're doing, isn't it? That's you all over, isn't it?
Everything always reminds you of something else.
You wouldn't know real anger if it came and bit your bollocks off.
I don't get it. Are you angry now?
Yeah. Yeah, that was me being angry. It's a real emotion.
Sound familiar at all? No?
You just don't feel anything, do you?
And until you do, you will always be my assistant, secretly thinking that it should be you in the big chair and me running around with the coffees. I can get angry!
My coffee's cold. Get it yourself.
I think now you're mistaking anger with petulance.
Just go and get me a coffee. Quick.
'Don't trouble me, huh? I hope you have my flight number. Will I bring my own bedding this time or have you replaced those terrible sheets?'
We have bought new fitted sheets. And a new duvet.
Nice and warm.
'Not too warm, I hope.'
You're breaking up.
I saw that.
Don't judge me, Shahid.
I would never judge you, Rohinka.
Well, if you do I might just point out that your flat's bigger and she could stay at yours.
I can't see her sharing a sofa with Iqbal, can you?
No. But it might be good to watch.
Brilliant.
This is brilliant!
Where will I go? Well, there must be someone at the mosque with a spare room going who doesn't know what you're like.
That was a joke by the way. It can't be helped.
It's family. I'm sorry.
Why would your mum stay here and not with your brother and the kids?
Because, Iqbal, she wants to work on me. Marriage and all that.
I think she's got somebody in mind. A dentist from Karachi.
It isn't fair.
She has two sisters - also dentists if you're interested.
That isn't what I mean.
I know, Iqbal. But if you knew Mamji...
She's like a drone, mate.
And you're what the American infidels would call collateral damage.
Morning. Just these two. Thank you.
Oh!
Thank you for keeping the evidence. I'll be in touch.
It's an escalation, isn't it? It's more serious than before.
It's terrorism almost. I'm not sure I'd call getting a dead animal shoved through your door terrorism exactly, but...
I can't help thinking we are the wrong kind of victim.
Can you please start taking this problem more seriously?
I can only keep saying we are doing everything we can.
Which we are. Ah! Hello, erm...
DI Mill.
Well, I'll leave you to it. Mr Yount. Mrs Yount.
Thank you. Thank you.
What did he want?
We've had a corpse delivered in the post.
An animal of some kind.
Right. Right. Well...
Why don't you tell me about it on the way?
You do need to get a move on.
You can't seriously think I'm still coming? I'm completely traumatised.
Oh, Graham. I didn't mean to disturb you.
Your mother said you'd be here.
Yeah. Mum's gone out. She's on a large one.
That doesn't sound much like your mum.
Are you all right?
Stupid question, really.
Just tired.
What are you listening to on your whatsit, your hearing aids?
You wouldn't have heard of it, Gran.
Hm! Wouldn't be so sure about that.
The builders have their radios on full blast all day.
You'll be picking up a fair bit of Polish swear words as well, then.
Are you all right, Gran?
Do you want some water?
All I want is to know you'll be all right.
I know.
Are you?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Why should I believe that?
How do I know you're not just saying that to keep a dying old lady happy?
I'll tell you why.
But don't you go telling anybody else.
A secret.
I like that.
You know what?
I think it's a terrible idea. She'll be bored out of her mind.
It'll be a nice change for her.
I've been to those things a thousand times before, I find them so vulgar.
Matya, on the other hand, is from Hungary.
The nearest she's probably come to genuine luxury is the Easy Jet departure lounge. Exactly. She'll be out of her depth.
With your colleagues? Don't be stupid.
She won't have to talk much, just sit there looking pretty and pretending to listen while they go w*nk*ng on about sh**ting and the congestion charge.
(They'll think she's an escort.)
They're bankers. They'll admire your chutzpah.
If they interrogate you further, say I'm staying away as a protest against your tiny bonus.
They should be having a charity auction for us, quite frankly.
Wow! You look so much better in it than I do.
That, Roger, is your cue to say something flattering to me.
The next lot is... a day's fly fishing in Wiltshire.
Chalk stream. Complete with cream tea.
And who will give me £500?
Is all this just for fishing?
'500.'
From a river?
'Six? 700?'
You wait, it gets a whole lot more expensive.
'Nine. 900.'
And it's all for charity.
Well, they are very generous.
No. Just very competitive and ostentatious.
They haven't got a charitable bone in their body.
You talk as though you hate it.
Gone. For £1,300.
Rog. Rog.
f*ck me, you're a dark horse!
How much did you pay for her?
I'll have to change my escort agency.
If you must know, Arabella's ill. She's our children's nanny.
So, have you bid yet?
I don't think so.
Would you like to?
I don't have that money. No. I do. Go on.
The next lot is a signed Roger Federer shirt.
'2012. Who'll start me...?'
I'll pay. Go on.
Come on. No. no.
Just to see what it feels like. Go on.
Just to see the look on your face.
'800.'
Somebody start me at 800.
Go on. Go on.
'800.'
That's it.
That's 800 to the lady in the green dress.
'Who will give me £900? Over there, yes. 1,000.'
Go on.
'1,500.'
Again, again. Go on.
'1,600.'
Yes! Come on, one more and we'll get it. One more. Come on.
'1,700.'
Go on, go on, go on, go on.
'1,800.'
Raise your hand.
1,800.
'1,800, going once.
'Going twice.'
Gone to the lady in the green dress.
Thank you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Want to get another one?
Not much of a night, back this early.
By your standards, perhaps.
God knows how you get up for work in the morning.
You don't need to worry about me.
Good. Cos I haven't got any worry left.
Thanks for looking after her for tonight.
It was nice to see her.
We had a nice chat, you know. No. I don't know.
She only ever talks to me if she wants to go to the toilet.
It was mainly me, all right?
Don't patronise me. And stop talking in that accent.
You weren't brought up to talk like that.
How would you know?
You weren't even there.
Well, your gran wouldn't like it. How about that?
Does that count?
It's not a competition.
"Palliative care in the community," they call it.
What? What we're doing now. Arguing while Mum dies.
They give it a title so that it sounds like they're doing something.
But they're not.
They gave it a title, that is them doing something.
Can't you just agree with me that it's tough?
What is it all for, in the end? Look at this place.
A lifetime of clutter. Is that all there is?
There's nothing wrong with this place.
For God's sake! I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it!
20 Silk Cut, please.
Of course. How is your mother?
How is Mrs Howe? Um... She's, um...
Oh, um, do you do decorating?
Yes. From time to time.
I know that you're a builder. I'm from number 84.
Do you do painting, papering, refurbishment, that kind of thing?
When do you want to start doing?
The sooner the better. As soon as possible.
Thank you. Thanks.
Well, now I feel I've corrupted you!
Why are you saying that?
Well, because I encouraged you to bid £2,000 for a sweaty T-shirt.
A sweaty T-shirt worn by Roger Federer. At Wimbledon.
There is a difference!
I think I ought to put it by my bed so I can see it before I go to sleep.
Yeah, of course.
Eh... Don't... don't do that.
It's still your night out.
Please. Don't do that now.
OK.
It's odd, but I've always had a lot of time for Roger Federer.
Not least because he's the only cool Roger in the world.
Well... Apart from Roger Moore that is.
I'm sure he's very much before your time.
Hm. Well...
At least now you'll be able to tell your friends in Hungary it's true.
The English do have more money than sense!
Why are you always apologising for what you've got?
Cos I'm not sure how I got it.
Because you are clever and you worked hard.
There's no shame in that.
When I first came into banking, it was all about relationships.
And now it's...
...it's all about maths.
Let's just say I'm better at the relationships bit.
I left everybody I loved behind in Hungary...
...just to come here and earn money.
I think I am just the same as you and Arabella.
Right?
I...I don't think so.
No.
Well, you are wrong.
Time for bed, I think.
Goodnight, Mr... Roger.
Oh, and thank you for a lovely evening.
Oops.
Night. Goodnight, Matya.
My God.
To be young and childless.
You come straight from the party?
Sleep is for lightweights, Roger.
I wouldn't do any flash trading with a hangover if I were you.
How's Matya?
I didn't see her this morning.
Did she have a nice evening?
Yes. Far as I know.
You don't know...
Like, she isn't...
Is she seeing anybody at the moment, do you know?
Oh, Mark. Dear me.
I know you are an ambitious young man and full marks for cheek, but I'm afraid Matya is rather out of your league.
Dear me. Dear me!
I don't know why we all have to be here.
Because last time it was just me and for two months we never heard the end of it.
This time we'll overwhelm her with our love and devotion.
She won't know what's hit her. That doesn't sound like Ammi.
Hey, you're not allowed to criticise her. You're her golden boy.
Let's have a bet on what she says first.
Gambling is un-Islamic.
That's better. I prefer you without sense of humour.
I'll go first. It will be, "Rohinka, what are you feeding my fatty son? Are you trying to k*ll him?"
"The flight was a horror."
Hello. She'll say, "Hello."
Of course she will, clever girl!
Right, she's here.
Daadi Jaan! Ah!
Gurhyaa!
All here this time. I can see that!
And nobody minding the till.
That's a lovely dress you're wearing, Fatima.
Allah ka shukar, your mum let you wear a dress for once.
And, Rohinka, what are you feeding my son?
He has no self-control, you must be his self-control.
What are you feeding him?
Or is he stuffing himself with snack food because he doesn't like what you cook him?
He looks like a gol gappa!
And I don't know what you're laughing about, huh?
25 years of age and no sign of a wife.
My son!
Come. Come.
Do you want the kitchen stripping out?
Um... Just make it modern, you know?
We'll get a kit from Ikea. Be basic but solid, you know.
Something new, that's the main thing.
Paintwork neutral?
Chalky Down is very popular.
We, eh... We can't go in there, I'm afraid.
But the bathroom will need renovating. Or refitting.
It's up to you. OK.
If you are having building work, I can sort out permission.
I know who to talk to at the council and so on.
We might just leave that to the buyer.
We just need a rough quote for tarting it up.
OK. No problem.
Are you all right to do the other rooms on your own?
I'll... I'll be in the kitchen.
Sorry...
I'm getting a few people in. Other quotes. Rough figures for now.
I'll have more idea when, um...
I'm looking for a good job, but we're looking to freshen it up a bit before we put it on the market, to be honest.
Morning, boss.
Oh.
Right.
Thanks. So you've been at it all night?
More or less.
What are you... what are you trying to say? I mean...
I don't know. You got any ideas?
Well, I mean, there's this wonderful quote by...
It's cold, mate.
Off you Trotsky.
In 2003, I was arrested in Harare, interrogated and beaten up. Then I was released.
Then I was arrested and beaten up again.
They told me I had 72 hours to leave the country.
So I was smuggled out by the missionaries.
Quentina.
The judge already knows all this.
It's terrible, but it's not relevant.
I came to England on a student visa.
And he will say, "And did you always intend to illegally outstay the visa?"
And I will say, "Yes. I intended to throw myself at the mercy of the British state."
And he will say, "How have you been supporting yourself since being refused asylum?"
I will say, "By working." By working illegally. Yes!
I wanted to give something back to England.
So instead of collecting my £43 a week allowance, I... I worked.
I paid my way.
I don't understand why your law would discourage that.
That isn't relevant.
He will ignore that and he will say that you came here with the intention of staying illegally.
And you did so, on the pretext that you were fleeing from persecution.
But it wasn't a pretext.
Don't contradict him. It'll piss him off.
He doesn't need to like me. He does, Quentina. He really does.
In fact, I'd say that's your only chance.
Well, that... is a problem.
Because there's only one person I know who thinks I'm likeable.
Quentina!
Quentina, where are you?
I don't know why you dragged me all the way here from Karachi for these.
They just seem like, um, some foolishness.
I hardly dragged you here, Ammi.
They love it round here. All that fussing and running around.
It's that great British middle-class battle cry -
"Something must be done!"
Especially if it might have an effect on property prices.
Those are our neighbours and customers you are talking rubbish about. I don't know, Ahmed.
This is a rare example of dear Usman being right about something.
Nobody's going to be marrying him for his brains, that's for sure!
Mayra gurhyaa! Will you do me a favour?
Will you ask your mother to put some sugar in this for me, gurhyaa?
I think she is trying to poison me!
Go on. Thank you!
Run, run! Quickly, quickly!
I think you should come up now.
I'm starting to think this second wave of crimes is being done by somebody new, somebody separate from the person who posted the cards.
A copycat?
If you like. But I hope this is reassuring.
We are closing in on the perpetrator. Make no mistake.
The traffic warden, the African lady, you thought that she'd done it, but she wasn't guilty of anything.
She was guilty of a lot of things, but not the postal campaign.
So it works like a curse.
I'm sorry?
Um, the postcards. They work like a bad luck charm.
First the traffic warden, then Mum.
Your mum? Mrs Howe? Why, what's happened to her?
She died, didn't I tell you?
No, I don't think you did.
Last night. Well, early this morning to be precise.
You don't want to be hearing this stuff now.
She was the last of her kind.
She lived here nearly all her adult life.
She got... she got married when she was 21 and never left.
Can you imagine?
Staying in the same place for... over 60 years?
Arms out, please.
Passport, please.
I tried to see a different lawyer at the Law Centre.
I waited all morning, but then I had to get back to work.
But - she rang me. She's coming to see you.
Don't rock the boat, Mashinko. Please.
I know you are trying to help, but you'll make things worse.
By standing up for you? Yes.
By standing up for me.
Now, you listen to me, my love.
Of course.
Let me just get my pad to take notes.
This isn't going to help me. I just need you to listen to me.
I am Quentina Mfeski, BSc, MSc, Political Science, the University of Zimbabwe.
I know, you told me you had a degree.
Are you going to let me finish talking?
I like to listen to Makoomba, Beyonce and I still love Brenda Fassie.
Why are you telling me this now?
Because I want you to know this about me.
And because when you think of me, I...
...I don't want you to think of just Quentina the traffic warden or...
...Quentina the detainee.
Because...
Because I don't want you to visit me again.
You feel an obligation because we went on two dates.
And I want to release you from that obligation.
Obligation?
You really don't understand...
...how lonely I was.
I had the church and the job and nothing else.
And then I had you. And you were kind.
You were kind and lovely...
And I'm here.
Beloved wife of Albert, proud mother of Mary and devoted grandmother of Graham.
I knew Petunia as a regular member of our congregation, but over the last few days, I feel I've got to know her a little better.
She moved into 84 Pepys Road over 60 years ago, as a new bride.
And although she saw many changes over the years, she remained a well-known and well-loved member of the community.
Over the last months of her life, she received, like all of those on Pepys Road, a series of postcards on which the sentence "We want what you have" was written.
Now, this campaign, intended perhaps to intimidate or amuse, was met by Petunia with her usual good humour and stoicism.
But I think the pranksters who sent these postcards were saying more than they knew when they posted the postcards through Petunia's door.
Because a life lived with patience, a life lived with fortitude, a life lived with humility and good humour, always a kind word for the neighbours, always a kind word for newcomers from whatever race.
Well.
I think it's fair to say, on reflection, that we should all want a little of what Petunia had.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Right. Thank you.
And you're the artist, right?
What?
Your grandma had your school paintings all over her wall.
Right. Yeah. Right.
When I went to see her about the postcards.
I'm the police officer investigating.
Ah, OK.
How you getting on with that? Well, it's funny you should ask me that because you've solved a little mystery for me today.
I'm sorry? I have?
You appear in one of the photographs of your grandmother's house.
At the front door. I was wondering who you were.
Me? Are you sure.
The latest set, for sure.
When were they taken? I don't know exactly, but they were posted on the website this week, so I am guessing fairly recently.
So why the sudden escalation?
Your guess is as good as mine at this point.
But we will find out, don't worry on that score.
I wasn't.
OK.
Oh, eh... Don't worry. You look after the boys.
It does me good to do this once in a blue moon.
Thank you.
Matya. Yep?
Er, you do know, don't you, that if you ever wanted to bring a friend here, we wouldn't mind?
That is kind. Thank you.
One more.
Friend. Boyfriend. Whatever.
Thank you. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment.
Right.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ Round and round ♪
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round ♪
♪ All day long. ♪
I hate to interrupt this heart-warming, slash, nauseating scene, but has anyone seen my mobile?
OK, here we go.
Bogdan, darling, it's Arabella.
How busy are you at the moment?
Come on, come on. We don't have all day!
Come on. Hurry up.
Bogdan, darling, five seconds. Literally, five seconds. Come in.
Wait in the dining room.
Matya is coming!
Where are...?
Hello!
Where are you?
Oh! I see you!
Oh!
You are so mine!
You're it!
This was a game.
I know. I'm here to see Mrs Yount.
Joshy didn't do a poop today.
I did.
Oh, mi dispiace, Bogdan, I'm so sorry, I'm racked with guilt.
Listen, come with me. Can I show you my little thingies?
I wanted to change the white to one of those Swedish types.
Two sugars, by the way.
Pardon?
When I'm working here. I like two sugars in my tea.
Like the British builders.
I don't make tea for workmen. I look after the children.
It was a joke! Sorry.
So where are you from?
The Ukraine? Czech Republic? Hungary.
Ah, like the song.
What song?
Budapest.
I'm from Kecskemet.
There isn't a song about that.
Your turn to guess.
Oh, I don't need to. Arrogant, bad with children, builder - Polish.
Will you tell Arabella I will call her with the exact quote?
I am sure you can tell her yourself.
If that is not beneath you as a Pole and a man.
Joshua. Conrad.
Wash your hands for food, darlings!
Come on!
Holy Mother of God.
No.
No, no, no.
What?!
They all stack up in order of delivery.
I know how to stack newspapers, Rohinka.
Daadi Jaan? Ah!
Here she is. My little gurhyaa.
Nice sweet tea for Daadi Jaan. Huh?
Are those boys' pyjamas you're wearing?
You're funny, Daadi Jaan.
You shouldn't be up so early.
You won't be top of the class if you don't get enough sleep.
That's what I'm always telling her.
Well, she doesn't seem to take much notice of you.
Mm-mm!
Very good, Fatima. Not perfect, but...
Police! Stay where you are!
Armed police!
On the floor now! Arms behind your head. Arms behind your head!
On the floor now!
Arms behind your head! Arms behind your head!
Get down!
It's all right, darling. Let's go and find your mummy.
My wife and kids. Where are my... where are my wife and kids?
Where are my wife and kids?
What are you doing?
What are you doing, man? Get off! Get off me!
Stay still! Stay where you are.
Show me your hands! On the floor now! Get down on the ground.
Get down on the ground!
We will not get down.
Will you get down on the ground, Mum?!
You should be ashamed of yourself. Ill-mannered.
You, you! Yes, I'm talking to you!
Will you just get down, Mum?
I won't get down. You will have to sh**t me, young man.
Get down on the ground.
Mum, will you just get down?!
Is that what you're ready to do? Are you ready to sh**t me and then go home and tell your mother this is what you did?
What are you doing?!
Be quiet! Give me your hand.
I haven't done anything!