02x11 - Christmas Party Sex Trap

[bunniefuu]

Mindy: Christmastime in New York City...

Snow on the ground, lights in the trees, and so many tourists that it's nearly impossible to return a bra to a department store.

It's the time of year when...

Are you buying a tree or not? I am.

I'll take your biggest tree.

$250. What?

For a dead tree?

Okay, I'll take that little sickly one.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, and I'm gonna need some help bringing it to my office.

Is that something you do, or is it, like, one of your Christmas elves?

[Both chuckle]

All right.

Merry Christmas. Thank you.

Woman: ♪ Soon gonna jingle ♪
♪ The bells that'll jingle taxi! Taxi!

♪ All your troubles away ♪

[Shouts]

♪ Everybody's waiting ♪
♪ For the man with the bag damn it!

[Subway doors chime]

Excuse me! Hold the train.

Thank you.

♪ He's got a sleigh full ♪
♪ It's not go... What the hell is that?

How Hindu are you? It's a Christmas tree.

I don't think so. What are you doing?

What were you holding?

[Overlapping comments]

Son of a bitch.

Danny: Mindy, Mindy.

Mindy, no. Morgan: Dr. L. Aagh!

Put the tree back!

Morgan: Just like the Grinch!

[Chatter continues in background]

No! Oh!

Merry Christmas!

[Upbeat music]

Betsy: Good morning, everyone.

Dr, Reed?

Dr. Reed. Oh!

Everyone, Dr. Reed is thin and handsome again.

Okay, calm down. Whoa.

Someone's looking good enough to get roofied.

Your body looks amazing.

Aren't you glad I made you go to fat camp?

It wasn't a fat camp.

It was the center, an holistic weight loss clinic where I learned I'd been addicted to food.

Dr. Reed, your secret Santa left this for you.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's the toffee from where I grew up as a kid.

You can't even buy this in America.

It's too full of fat and sugar.

Thank you, whoever bought me this.

It's a nice gift.

Good-bye, toffee.

I love when you spend the night at Heather's.

It means that I get a morning commute buddy.

I used to think that this other guy was my commute buddy, but it turned out that he just lived on the subway.

And I didn't find out...

Cliff.

Hey, cliff, cliff.

My story, did you hear it?

Yeah, sorry.

I was up till 3:00 A.M. last night.

Why were you up?

Heather and I got in a huge fight.

You did? Mm-hmm.

Not you and Heather!

You guys are one of the great couples of all time.

Well, lately, everything I do makes her mad...

How I talk... What?

The way I organize my sweaters.

In Roy G. Biv color order.

It's OCD, but...

I swear that if we didn't have concert tickets this month we'd break up.

Exciting news, everybody.

This Friday, Shulman and associates is having a Christmas party for the entire building.

The entire building? Yeah.

This building is full of randos who we should get to know better.

The notary public on five, maybe those cool lawyers across the hallway.

Okay, is this a ploy so you can hang out with cliff?

What? What are you saying?

Are you having a stroke? What does that even mean?

Oh, and we can exchange our final secret Santa gifts.

Oh, that reminds me. I'm your secret Santa.

Medical gauze? Come on.

Yeah, I don't believe in spending money on stupid things.

Really? So I assume you got that shirt for free?

Bazinga! What?

And with that classic Danny dig, it's settled.

We're gonna have a party.

You and I have to go get food. Okay.

I think the party should be gluten-free.

What? No. Why?

'Cause Tamra has Celiac's disease.

Yeah, when my stomach sees gluten, it's like, "this ain't your party," but how'd you know?

I log what you eat.

I notice what you eat.

Okay, fine, whatever, it can be gluten-free.

Peter, Jeremy, I need you guys to go pick up classy alcohol.

Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

It's come to my attention that, during special events in my life, I maybe partake in alcohol a little too much.

And, as you know, last year at a holiday party, I made sex to a Christmas tree.

Well, we'll miss you, but it's probably for the best, and ultimately we won't notice your absence.

So, Betsy, I need you to get 4,000 wine coolers.

You won't notice my absence because I'll be there.

And I would hope that you guys would respect my wishes and maybe keep it a dry party.

Ex-queeze me? That's very mature of you, Peter.

No, just because...

Here's what's happening... Shulman and associates are hosting a Christmas party free of gluten and alcohol.

And I have a deadly allergy to...

I'm sorry, I can't hear any more restrictions for the party.

Peter: Okay, why does this building have so many taxidermists in it?

It's gonna be a weird party.

Last time I was at a holiday party sober was at my sixth grade snowflake play.

Actually, you know what, I had two beers that night.

The holidays can be tough for us food junkies too.

But luckily, they did give us a secret w*apon at the center... This is a taste spray designed to satisfy my cravings.

Short rib mist. Yummy.

I am very full now.

Okay, the only way we're gonna make it through this party is if we're sober buddies.

Yes. You stop me from drinking...

You stop me from taking queso into the bathroom.

Both: Deal.

So are you making a gingerbread house this year?

Nah, I got a lot going on.

Work, and my bank just sent me a new credit card, so I have that to activate.

You are such a horrible liar.

I bet you already imported sugar stained glass from Germany.

Oh, please, German sugar glass?

It's notoriously brittle and cloudy.

[Softly] Okay, I'll tell you this.

I am making a structure.

I'll give you a hint.

It's the house of a man that's very important to this country.

Justin Timberlake's childhood home in Nashville.

What?

Hello, Mindy, Danny.

Hello. Hello.

Have you met my new girlfriend Maria Menounos?

Danny: Oh, I'm a big fan of your journalism.

You're my hair idol...

Are you two dating?

Yeah.

Wh... you could have almost anybody.

Excuse me. I have never been with such a soulful person.

Aw. Come here, you. [Giggling]

This is our first Christmas together, and we've just been sharing and celebrating.

Oh, my gosh, Mindy, what's wrong with me?

Here I am, flaunting our blooming love, and you with your engagement breakup.

I'm just sorry. Okay, listen, pal, she's fine, okay?

She's been going out with a lot of guys since that guy... Probably too many guys.

Shh, that's not... A lot.

The right amount. The normal amount.

Not really. Maria... no, hush, hush.

It's been quite a... the point is that I'm doing fantastic.

She's doing great.

Mindy, you don't have to shine it on in front of me.

I'm a friend, okay?

Holidays are always hardest on the lonely.

su1c1de rates do go up as we all know.

Sorry. Bye, Maria.

I'm actually dating someone too.

He's handsome lawyer who works in this building.

Oh.

Well, that's... That's great.

No, no, it's better than great.

It's great!

Well, if he works in the building, I look forward to meeting him at the party.

Great.

Okay, let's go. We can't get out.

We have to go back up... Okay, fine.

Why did you tell Deslaurier you were dating a lawyer in the building?

'Cause he was rubbing Menounos in my face.

Menounos. Menounos.

Ugh, I hate him. Besides, who knows?

Maybe at the party I will be dating someone.

I knew it. I knew it.

Building-wide Christmas party, all the sexy mood lighting you installed in Phlebotomy.

Well, you know, soft lighting is good for urine samples too.

No, no, this is a Christmas party sex trap so you can get to cliff.

Is that so wrong, Danny?

Is it so wrong for an unmarried 23-year-old woman to throw a party so she can meet a man?

You're a little nut job, and it's not gonna work.

Thank you for saying that I'm little, and it will work, and I'll tell you why.

Because I have a foolproof, four-point, man-catching party plan.

Oh, boy. Wanna hear about it?

Not really, but... You're gonna.

I know. Mindy: Here's the plan.

Step one: Throw the greatest party anyone has ever seen.

When the guy gets there, ignore him.

Instead, be talking to the coolest guy in the room.

Step two: I do a sexy version of Santa baby.

It's both titillating and festive.

[Santa baby playing]

♪ Santa baby ♪
♪ Just slip a sable under the tree ♪
♪ For me ♪

Santa baby? It's disgusting.

It sexualizes Santa.

Step three: Pretend you're overheated.

Say you need some air.

Make him follow you to a private location.

Step four: Finally alone in a romantic setting, he and I share a perfect first kiss.

That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard.

You're wrong. You'll see tomorrow night when I'm tonguing cliff in the courtyard.

Come on. All right.

[Soft music plays]

♪

And this is Elizabeth, my other dog.

You would love her.

Aww!

That's a beautiful dog.

It'd take a lot of sawdust to fill her up.

[Chuckles]

Wait, what?

[Knocking] What the hell was so important?

What are you doing?

Come here.

Help me fill my bra up with wine.

Okay, no further questions.

Open this.

I bought a bra that holds two full bottles full of wine.

I thought this thing was supposed to be sober for Peter.

Peter doesn't have to know about it.

My man-catching plan is not going to work without some booze, Danny.

Plus, there's also an added benefit.

What's that? Pour.

Pour. Okay. Here you go.

You should wear that every day.

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

Okay. Sorry.

I mean, it's been kind of a weird year.

Had some losses in my family.

I had to sell a bunch of...

[Fairy tale music]

Pass down to my kids one day.

Morgan, I can't keep talking to you.

Totally understood.

Okay, step one of the sex trap.

Find the coolest guy in the room.

Hey, you. I'm Mindy.

Oh, Biruk. It is very nice to meet you.

Great to meet you.

[Laughs]

Oh, Biruk, you're too much.

I did not say anything.

Oh, it's your whole... Thing.

[Whispers] Yes. My man trap is working.

I was once caught in a man trap.

I knew I had to escape the net or else endure the horrors of human trafficking.

Okay, um... Do you live downtown?

Yay, sober buddy.

Not drinking at a party eats, dog.

Hitting on women... Out of the equation.

I mean, Maria Menounos is right over there.

The term "blue-collar" drives me insane.

The woman I'd create had I a weird science machine.

If I was drunk, I'd go over there and snatch her away from Deslaurier.

Go and do that. Go talk to her.

Come on. I'd need, like, six or seven hard lemmies to even think about going over there to talk to her.

What am I supposed to do with my hands if I'm not holding beers? Huh?

Yeah, put them down. It's unpleasant.

[Door opens]

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, can you knock first, please?

I'm not gonna knock to the hot pipe room.

All right, what step of the man trap are you on?

Hit him over the head with a rolling pin and pull down his pants?

Ha ha ha, you know I don't own any cooking stuff... Joke's on you.

For your information, I'm on step two.

Whoa.

Is that what I think it is? Okay.

Look, close your eyes. Stop it.

You'll see it at the unveiling with everybody else.

I'll give you a hint. It's located in Virginia.

Mt. Rushmore?

The Massachusetts public school system has really let you down.

I'm sorry. I'm a good-looking doctor.

I think it did fine. Okay.

And you know what? I wish you put this much effort into your secret Santa presents.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, I got you this.

I refuse Toto accept that gift.

I got Peter a replica of the Dukes of hazzard car, and I barely like him.

That's what a secret Santa does.

Fine. Hurry up.

The sexy routine is next. I gotta work.

Just give me peace.

I love this.

Nothing says Christmas like a traditional nativity scene.

You know, there's some recent scholarship that suggests Jesus was actually a black woman.

Right. I need a drink.

[Mumbles]

Hi, have you seen Mindy by any chance?

I'm cliff, by the way.

Hi, cliff, I'm Brendan Deslaurier.

I run the holistic health center upstairs.

We specialize in midwifery and scream therapy, shriek yoga.

[Chuckles]

I'd say I feel sorry for the guy who works below you, but that's me.

I work at Gilbert, Lurie, and Shapiro.

Oh, you're the lawyer from the building.

You're Mindy's new boyfriend?

No.

Didn't realize she had a boyfriend.

You know, I was surprised to hear it too.

Suppose it was a different lawyer from the building.

She does tend to get around in the workplace.

Okay, well, thanks.

I appreciate it. It was nice to meet you.

Excuse me. Nice to meet you.

Sorry to make you sad, cliff.

Mindy: Everyone, quit talking and look over here, please.

Hey, g*ng.

I have a naughty Christmas surprise for all of you.

Yeah! 'Cause now that everybody's here...

I thought...

Wait, where is everybody?

We're here. Over here.

I see Beverly. Damn it.

I just want to make sure that 100% of the people we invited are here.

I think 99.9% of everyone is here.

Come on. Sing your raunchy song.

Hold on one second, okay?

Okay. Dr. L, you're losing the room.

This is anticlimactic. You got focus.

[Overlapping chatter]

I'm gonna rap. I'm gonna rap.

Coitus inte...

Never mind.

Naughty song called off.

Morgan: Dr. L.?

Mindy, why aren't you gonna do your song?

It's dumb.

It's so adorable. Go do it.

Maybe. Okay.

I guess I could give it a try.

You know what, why don't you go take a nap or something?

But you were so encouraging...

♪ Santa baby ♪
♪ Just slip a sable under the tree ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ Been an awful good girl ♪
♪ Santa baby ♪
♪ So hurry down the chimney tonight ♪

[mouthing] Stop.

♪ Santa baby, forgot... ♪

How long are we meant to listen to this?

Does anyone...

♪ a ring ♪

[grunts]

♪ I don't mean on the phone ♪
♪ Santa baby ♪

♪ So hurry down

♪ The chimney tonight Hurry.

♪ Tonight Oh, no.

Oh, no. Thank you.

Oh, my God. I don't even know the lyrics to this song. It just came out of me.

[Cheers and applause] Here you go.

Brendan! It was amazing.

Merry Christmas.

You were offering up your womanhood to Santa in exchange for material gifts.

It was just a stupid song.

I thought you would like it.

Well, as a feminist, it offended me to my core.

Peter, help me.

I need my sober buddy. I've tasted frosting.

Quiet. Look.

I'm sorry. I just can't do this.

I'm done.

Have a very aware Kwanzaa.

It's a Christmas miracle.

What are you talking about?

Because Maria is my dream girl, and it's Christmas, and she just got dumped.

But I thought you couldn't talk to her sober?

You're right.

I need to get drunk.

No. No. No, no, no, ahh.

Uh, food is pain. Food is pain.

Beverly, Beverly, I need the strongest alcohol you have.

Sorry, blue eyes, I'm out.

What am I gonna do?

You didn't hear it from me, but Dr. I's wearing a booze bra.

Okay, yes!

Woman: ♪ Old Mr. Kringle ♪
♪ Is soon gonna jingle ♪
♪ Bells that will tingle ♪
♪ All your troubles away Monticello. There you are.

[Slurping]

Ugh, stupid wine bra's out of wine.

I knew I should have brought the long island iced panties.

Min?

♪ Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag ♪
♪ 'Cause Christmas is coming again ♪

Are you sad about cliff?

Sad is when the cab driver thought I was Jaden Smith.

I'm heartbroken.

Well... well, so what?

The guy left. You weren't even dating.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that I threw a party with the sole purpose of getting a guy who is still technically in a relationship to kiss me, and then he left.

I'm the most pathetic loser.

I think I have something that might cheer you up.

From your secret Santa.

No, Danny, look, you said you didn't want to spend money on a secret Santa.

I shouldn't have expected a gift.

Sometimes the best gifts don't cost anything.

I guess if you're, like, a poor mouse in a Christmas special.

Okay, here we go.

Timbaland: ♪ It's been a long time ♪

When you first started working here, you used to play this nonstop.

It was the first thing about you that ever really annoyed me.

♪ Step to, step to ♪
♪ Freaky, freaky, baby girl ♪

Aaliyah: ♪ What would you do ♪
♪ To get to me ♪
♪ What would you say ♪
♪ To have your way ♪
♪ Would you give up ♪
♪ Or try again ♪
♪ If I hesitated ♪
♪ To let you in ♪
♪ Now would you be yourself ♪
♪ Or play your role ♪
♪ Tell all the boys or keep it low ♪
♪ If I say no ♪
♪ Would you turn away ♪
♪ Or play me off ♪
♪ Or would you stay ♪
♪ Oh, if at first ♪
♪ You don't succeed ♪
♪ If at first you don't succeed ♪
♪ Then dust yourself off and try again ♪
♪ Dust yourself off and try again ♪
♪ Try again I know it's stupid.

So anyway I can get you a gift card or write a personal check.

Don't worry about it.

Just don't tell Morgan or Jeremy about it.

Okay? What are you talking about?

I loved it.

You liked it?

Mindy, give me that boob wine.

What? No. No.

Danny, I'm sorry. I'm a monster.

Monticello!

Stop! Do we have any cinderblocks?

Some of the guests want to see me towow 'em off the roof.

Whoa, weird energy in here.

Is the ghost back?

[Peter slurping]

What are we doing?

Give me that. I don't know.

One minute I'm normal, next minute I'm sucking down Mindy's bra wine.

You ate a whole house.

No, it's not just a house.

It's an icon of American architecture.

Maybe I'm just a fat guy, you know.

I mean, I'm in the right country for it.

And I'm tall, so I wear it well.

Hey, hey, hey, whoever told you that was lying.

[Sighs] You know what?

Our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate.

It's that we're powerful beyond measure.

That's a quote from my frat buddy, pubes.

Maybe you should listen to his advice, Peter.

You're scared.

Otherwise you'd be out there right now sober-snogging Maria Menounos.

You might not be the most attractive guy, but she's vulnerable, and you're here.

You don't need to be drunk.

You know what? You're right.

I am here.

And that's as good a reason as any for a chick to make out with me.

Let's go get 'em, sober buddy.

Mindy: Get out, get out, get out.

Please, for God's sakes, get out of here.

Hey.

I was gonna go get a breath of fresh air.

Yeah. I'm gonna stay.

I gotta... I gotta clean up this mess.

Okay.

Hi. Hello.

I'm Peter. I don't think we got a chance to meet before.

Hi, Peter. I was just leaving.

Well, could you leave your beautiful body here?

Oy.

I have an early remote to sh**t at a Christmas tree farm in Connecticut tomorrow.

What a thought-provoking piece. I would love to see that.

My boyfriend was supposed to drive me there tonight, but he left.

I'd love to give you a ride, but I'm too drunk.

Wait. I'm not drunk at all.

I haven't had anything to drink.

For the first time in my life, I'm sober at a party.

I can give you a ride. Are you sure?

Yeah. It's late.

Nah.

We do have those hotel rooms.

What, what? You could stay there if you wanted.

I would like to do that very much.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm positive.

Really? Yes.

Okay. Thanks.

Yeah.

Woman: ♪ Last Christmas Well, pigeon, I guess it's just me and you now.

Guess today didn't end up as...

Sure.

Mindy?

Cliff. Hey.

You came back. Yeah.

And I brought you some contraband.

Oh, my God, thank you! Gluten is my favorite food.

Hey, listen, I really wanted to talk to you about something.

I know you just started dating somebody, but... Wait, what?

Yeah, that midwife and the lady from extra! Told me.

And when I heard that, I thought, "cliff, you know, that window is closing, and you're gonna miss your chance," so I left, and I broke it off with Heather.

And I know this is a little bit of a long shot.

I don't know who this guy is you're dating.

He's probably, like, a stockbroker or a race car driver or something really cool.

No, it's you.

I lied and said it was you, because I'm crazy. What?

He's a stockbroker.

Okay, anyway, the point is I don't want you to be with him, because I want you to be with me.

I want me to be with you too.

Are you serious?

I knew you were a little bit crazy.

Wait, wait, I'm not crazy.

Yeah, you're kind of crazy.

You were talking to a pigeon when I came out here.