01x04 - This Kid's Getting a Vasectomy

[bunniefuu]

We're breaking up.

It is not working out between us.

We're breaking up.

Not here. Not in front of the kids.

We're breaking up.

I can tell.

I'm a doctor.

You know we're breaking up, right?

Oh, yeah.

I have to break up with both of you.

What?

You know we're breaking up, right?

Oh, yeah.

Cat: It's not working for me.

It's over.

Glenn: Again?

Cat: It's over.

Owen: Again?

Cat: Okay, don't be so.

Dramatic.

We're breaking up.

Dr. Von Sydow: We're break--

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I've forgotten your name.

Cat: We're breaking up!

Blake: I can't hear you!

Cat: No, I know that you can.

Hear me, 'cause I can hear you.

We're breaking up.

Okay.

Cat: It's over.

Will you e-mail me?

'cause I might forget.

Cat: Things haven't been Working out, and I just --

I'm breaking up with you.

Beat you to it. Boom!

Cat: We're breaking up.

Glenn: Huh?

Can't it wait 20 seconds?

[ gasps ]

10 seconds.

Cat: No. I got to go.

Glenn: Aah! Wait!

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

sal: Attention, staff --

There's a gigantic snake moving Below the elevators.

Cat: Love.

Why is it that when you're in It, you can't remember not Being in it?

And when you're not in it, it's

Like, "what is it?"

Why is it not just in and of.

Itself, in or out?

[ sighs ]

I should do my own podcast.

Nicky: This looks like Esperanza the maid. well, it's like a big maid.

And a little maid.

Nicky: I don't like chocolate.

People. oh, don't say that in public, Honey.

Cat: Hey. dr. Black, you spend a lot of.

Time treating nicky, but his.

Advanced-aging disease seems to.

Be getting worse.

Nicky: I have gout.

Cat: Why don't you go on down.

To the cafeteria and get us an.

Eight-pack of smirnoff ice, Yeah? can you get on with the exam, Please, before nicky gets any.

Older?

Cat: God, look at those eyes.

Nicky: I have heat vision!

Cat: [ laughs ]

God, I just wish I knew you when.

You were young. he's 6.

Cat: Well, then I wish I knew.

You when you were 4.

Nicky: Here's a question.

Cat: What?

Nicky: Are space bugs real?

Cat: [ laughs ]

Do you like new experiences?

[ zipper opens ]

Here we are. what are you doing?

It's cold in here.

Cat: It's fine. no, it's not.

Glenn: What's going on here?

Lola: Oh, that's cat's new.

Boyfriend.

Glenn: Boyfriend?

She just broke up with me.

Lola: Um, a month ago.

Glenn: Hey, she just tried.

Kissing me two weeks ago.

Lola: Well, she'll date.

Anything.

No offense to me.

Glenn: None taken.

Lola: Remember when she dated Josh brolin?

Glenn: Remember when she.

Dated josh brolin's character in "goonies"?

Lola: Remember when she dated.

That sculpture of our hospital's.

Founder, mr. Childrens?

Glenn: In "goonies"?

Lola: No, he wasn't in "goonies."

Glenn: He wasn't in "goonies"?

Who was it? Who --

Oh, you know who I'm thinking.

Of?

Lola: Huh?

Glenn: Josh brolin.

Lola: [ scoffs ]

She'll date anything.

What does that make us?

Glenn: The two hottest.

Doctors in here.

Lola: You are so true.

I feel dizzy.

Glenn: I want to get deep.

Inside of you.

Chief: Congratulations, Dr. Von Sydow.

You are the first doctor from.

Childrens ever to receive the.

Nobel prize.

Dr. Von Sydow: Well, it was.

Just for medicine.

They offered me the peace prize, But I turned it down 'cause I.

Don't want the b*tches to think I'm a gaylord.

Chief: Well, max, I'm [scoffs] very busy, so...

Dr. Von Sydow: Right.

I'm audi rs4 with the gold.

Package.

[ sniffs ]

M.S., right?

Chief: Excuse me?

Dr. Von Sydow: You have m.S.?

Chief: A touch.

Dr. Von Sydow: Probably a.

Little parkinson's in there, Too, right?

Chief: Little bit.

Dr. Von Sydow: How much.

Cerebral palsy do you have?

Chief: I have a splash.

It's going around. Why?

Dr. Von Sydow: You sitting.

Down?

I can cure you.

Leave the pee.

Okay. Careful.

You know I can't fix your.

Handicapped emotions, right?

Cat: Previously on "childrens hospital"... and so it is my great.

Pleasure and honor to open up.

Childrens hospital's very own.

Genital ward.

[ chuckles ]

Glenn: Okay, I-I'm sorry.

I just got to get my head.

Wrapped around this.

So, you're saying that there is.

A law that says we cannot test.

New dr*gs on rare pandas? that's what I am saying.

Glenn: Really? mm-hmm.

Glenn: Aah!

W-while we're on the subject, Can I ask you another question? mm-hmm.

Glenn: Is there a law.

Against jerking off in a.

Government-office cubicle? this genital ward will put.

Childrens hospital on the.

Forefront of modern...Genital.

Technology and genital research.

Dr. Von Sydow: You sitting.

Down?

I can cure you.

[ mid-tempo music plays ]

[ both sigh, chuckle ]

Chief: You know that visiting.

Doctor, the neuro-specialist?

Owen: Dr. Max Von Sydow?

Yeah, I heard he won a.

Nobel peace prize.

Funny -- he doesn't look like a.

f*g.

Chief: [ chuckles ]

He says he can cure me.

Owen: What?!

Hold on, chief.

If he does that, you might lose.

Your sexy strut.

Chief: [ chuckles ]

Strut.

Maybe, but I have no feeling in.

My pelvis.

Owen: I'll feel that [bleep]

For you.

Chief: [ sighs ]

You're sweet.

But I want to be normal, owen.

I-I want to be like everyone.

Else.

Owen: [ groans ]

That's a kick in the nuts to all.

Those young girls out there that.

Were never called "special" or "crippled" or "handi-crippled."

Chief: [ laughs ]

Bet you say that to all the.

Girls.

Owen: N-no. I don't.

Chief: Oh, yeah.

I guess you wouldn't.

Owen: I don't know other.

Handicapped people.

Chief: Right.

[ sighs ]

Owen: Chief, you have a gift.

Please, don't ruin it.

Chief: [ sighs ]

Owen: Now, how about that.

Hand job?

[ metal clicking ]

[ up-tempo rock music plays ]

[ door closes ]

Nicky: Dora?

Cat: Hi. Sorry to wake you.

I just want to get some alone.

Time while your mom is at her.

A.A. Meeting.

Nicky: Can you look under the.

Bed for dracular?

Cat: Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna look under everything.

Nicky: I got to go peep.

Cat: Can't you wait five.

Minutes?

Nicky: I can count to 100.

Cat: Okay.

Nicky: One...

Two...

Three...

Oh, yeah. Cup the balls.

Blake: Hey!

I'm challenging you to a "healing power of laughter"-off.

[ horn honking ]

You have one week to perform a.

Successful operation using only.

The healing power of laughter.

If you fail, you hang up your.

Balloony pants forever.

[ horn honks ]

I won't fail.

[ horn honking ]

Ooh, I won't.

[ horn honking ]

Fine. [Bleep]

If I fail...

I leave medicine altogether.

[ horn honks ]

No.

You go [bleep] yourself.

Sal: Attention, staff.

I am speaking on the p.A.

System.

That's what I'm doing right.

Now in a clear and authoritative.

Voice.

[ elevator bell dings ]

Cat: [ sighs ]

Glenn: That's it.

This kid's getting a vasectomy.

Lola: [ unenthused ] no.

Don't.

Nicky: Diego?

My mom says that israel's an.

Outdated concept.

Rob: Thank you for watching.

These two episodes of "childrens hospital."

A lot of people ask me where I got the idea for "childrens hospital," and.

It's a funny story, actually.

Uh, my daughter -- my 2-year-old.

Daughter dislocated her.

Shoulder, and we had to bring.

Her to a children's hospital.

And I just remember, like, the.

Waiting room was terrifying.

It was, uh, full of nervous.

Parents, most of them crying, You know, and, uh...

All pale.

This isn't the funny part.

But, um, this gurney -- this.

Tiny little gurney comes.

Crashing through the door, and.

It's surrounded by doctors and.

Nurses, and they're yelling, and.

They look really scared, and.

There's this...Tiny body on.

The gurney.

The funny part's coming.

And, uh, and there's this.

Life flight pilot, this.

Helicopter pilot behind the.

Gurney.

And, uh, and he looks at me, And he goes, "mondays, right?"

[ laughs ]

He didn't actually say that.

So, then I made a tv show about it.