01x03 - A Very Special Episode

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Hey, Robin.

Hey.

How's the house hunting going?

Well, the prices are right, finally, but we're gonna have trouble selling our current house in this market.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And loans aren't so easy to get anymore either.

I just wish someone would admit that we're going through a recession.

Robin: Tell me about it.

Never really understood any of that stuff away.

[Dr. Fiscus chuckles] Who does?

[both chuckle] Ahh.

Come back to the police force. I need my partner back.

Owen: I wish I could, but I can't.

Not after the tragic events of September 11, 2001.

And there you go. Looks pretty easy, huh?

Well, try it with a few cocktails in ya.

[laughs] Oh!

[Blake sighs] Calling it.

Time of death... 1:59 P.M.

Looks like we lost another one, huh?

I guess it takes more than the healing power of laughter to perform a successful operation.

Yeah, sometimes it takes actual medical procedure.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

What happened to you, Dr. Downs? [Blake sighs]

Hey! What are you, a savage?!

[echoing] Shut the door!

Blake? Blake!

Yeah?

I want you to take a look at the girl in 319, and I don't want to tell you why because you always laugh and I think it's inappropriate.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

[Chief sighs] She's covered in bruises.

Afraid of her father. Claimed she fell down the stairs.

Yeah, just say it. I promise I won't laugh.

Okay. I suspect child abuse.

[Blake snickers] Blake.

Okay.

319, now get over there right a...

You know what tomorrow is?

The anniversary of 9/11, right?

So, what does that make today?

9/11 Eve?

Bingo. Doing anything special?

Probably just get a piñata, throw some ribs on the grill.

Sure, sure.

How about yourself?

The usual. Make my tobacco bread.

Rob Schneider film fest.

Rob Schneider. Send me an evite, will you?

You got it.

Hey. You gonna rewrite this again, okay?

I can't read your writing.

A simple "please" would be nice.

[tinkling]

[Blake sighs]

[sighs]

[indistinct shouting]

[girl laughing]

Attention, staff.

The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

There is no stopping in the red zone.

[laughter continues]

What the balls is this?

That's Nate Schachter, best damn leukemia doctor in all of Saskatchewan.

Yeah? What's with the schtick-a-la?

He believes in the healing power of laughter.

Well, I'm not laughing.

[girl laughs]

Glenn: You have a d*ck on your face.

To catch a t*rror1st, you need to think like one, act like one.

Terrorize someone.

I work for the National Terrorism Strike Force, San Diego division.

Am I a white knight? Or a black checker?

Perhaps... I'm like Jenga.

Tell me your future thoughts!

All I know is if you have to ask...

Trick or treat.

you're on the wrong side.

I quit!

I don't negotiate with t*rrorists... because I am one.

National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle.

Tonight, a very special episode of Childrens Hospital.

Hi. I am, of course, Cutter Spindel.

I play Dr. Blake Downs on Childrens Hospital.

My name is David Wain. I am one of the producers of Childrens Hospital.

Today we have an episode that can be described only as, uh...

I don't know the word... different.

Different, yes.

Yeah.

That's a great way to describe it.

I like that a lot... "Different," you know?

I like that a real lot, because it really does describe the episode.

"Different"... I like that.

Well, I mean... the reason why is this episode is told entirely from the point of view of a visiting colleague from Puerto Rico, Who just happen...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Actually, you know what? Let's not spoon-feed it to them.

We want to let the audience use their brain.

I like that.

Yes, because that's what television's all about... using your brain.

And what's very exciting is this episode is written and directed by our very own Cutter Spindel.

Guilty.

In his directorial debut.

Uh, not exactly.

Um, I did direct, uh, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

That one I did not see and I do not care for.

Please enjoy this very special episode of "Childrens Hôpital."

Directed by Cutter Spindel.

I wonder when that visiting doctor is gonna get here.

I don't see him anywhere.

Excuse me. Is this the fifth floor?

The numbers in the elevator are too high up for me to see.

Oh, my God! You're a midget!

And you're Puerto Rican.

What?

And you got a little piece of food right here.

That's just some hot sauce left over from my burrito.

I'm Chief, the chief here.

Uh, we do things a little bit differently here at Childrens, doctor, but hopefully, there are some techniques that you can pick up and bring back home to Havana. [Owen chuckles]

Bring our techniques back to Puerto Rico, not our white women.

Okay?

I do hope that I can teach you some of our new advances in Puerto Rican medicine.

Oh, I'd always wanted to learn how to breed fighting chickens.

"Dear Papi, you'd like it here at Childrens Hospital."

It's chaos, sure, but organized chaos.

It's like a graceful ballet... or like that funeral we had for one of our dogs.

First off, there's the chief.

Get this, Papi... a woman is the chief!

[alarm ringing] Oh. Uh-oh.

Looks like it's time to turn off the MRI machine.

It smells like Thanksgiving in here... but bad.

"You'd love the doctors here, Papi. They work hard."

Time of death, 5:59.

Time of dry humping in the supply closet, 6:01.

Sorry. Was that your fist? What was that?

[giggling]

[both chuckle]

"But you get all the doctors here in one room, and you understand why they all work so well together.

They are much like our own family, Papi, only they don't have a jeep."

Jefe, check this out.

No, but I got to...

My mustache is now a mess. Where is the mirror?

I must oil it again.

[laughter, indistinct conversations]

[farts]

[Rob gasping]

Rob, what's going on?

I had that dream again.

What dream?

The one about the Childrens Hospital.

Ohh.

It all took place inside a Puerto Rican midget's fart.

Well, it's just a dream.

It doesn't make any sense!

Rob, go back to sleep.

Don't forget to set the snow globe.

You're right, Megan Mullally. Good night.

Good night, Rob Corddry.

[David chuckles]

Wow.

Thank you.

Very powerful.

I mean, when did you get the idea that this whole world of this whole world of Childrens Hospital takes place inside this Puerto Rican midget's fart?

I... I think we've always known. You know?

So, uh, as I was writing it, it occurred to me that the that the Puerto Rican midget is almost a character itself.

Well, I mean, he really, literally was a character in the... in the story.

Right, right, right.

It sort of had that feeling, so why not write it?

He really, literally was a character in... in the show.

And that's the feeling I wanted to bring to it.

Huh. Well, thanks, everyone, for tuning in to this special episode of Childrens Hospital.

Tune in next week for a regular one.

Uh, I have a real treat for fans of the show.

Uh, I have with us here, uh, the actual person upon whom the character Dr. Blake Downs was based.

Uh, so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, the real Dr. Blake Downs, Dr. Blake Downs.

I think he's asleep.

Okay, I have another treat for you.

Um, you'll notice in that last episode, David Wain, one of the producers of Childrens Hospital, uh, presents me, without the makeup on, as Cutter Spindel, the actor that plays Dr. Blake Downs in the series.

I know it's very confusing, but, uh, I actually have here the person that Cutter Spindel was based on, as well.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the real Cutter Spindel, David Wain.

Wait a minute. You're talking about me?

Yes.

You're saying Cutter Spindel was based on me?

No, no, no, Cutter Spindel was based on the character you were playing in that episode.

I was playing David Wain.

Right.

Oh, so Cutter Spindel is based on David...

"David Wain."

[David chuckling] Pretty cool.

It's very, uh... It's very out there. Very heavy.