01x01 - A Hospital Isn't a Place

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

[both moan] Excuse me.

Oh, baby!

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

We're going to have to slice off your son's [bleep].

This part.

We got a school-bus crash at the 495...

Fifty kids, badly injured, broken bones, some of them Ret*rded, the whole deal, and they're coming here.

[both moan, laugh]

Glenn, stop. We're breaking up.

No, it's not 'cause you're Jewish.

Attention, staff.

Dr. Richie, please pick up your scissors from the autopsy room.

Cat: A hospital isn't a place for lazy people.

A hospital is a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy.

Oh, man, she is hot.

I would like to bang her and her clumsy vag*na.

Yeah.

Cat: But we all have brains, and brains are messy things filled with jelly.

And although jelly is sweet, it made me do a silly thing.

I broke up with Glenn.

What?

Why? He's the hottest doctor at Childrens.

I just can't imagine spending every Christmas with a Jew, you know?

Lighting candles all the time, telling knock-knock jokes.

Totally. Driving minivans, reading books.

Right?

I'm gonna break up with Owen.

Why?

Well, you broke up with Glenn. We're roommates.

That would be totally confusing.

Right.

Yeah.

How are you gonna do it?

I don't know. I need to think of a good lie.

Ugh! I wish he were Jewish.

[screams] Mommy, I'm scared!

b*tches.

Blake.

Want me to tickle your arm?

Yeah. Do it.

Okay.

You're there, you're there, you're there.

No.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [both laugh]

What's up?

Look, you're the attending physician, so I need your permission. I want to cut this kid open.

Why? She's got a broken arm.

Says who?

The X-ray.

Please. I don't trust these, They're not even in color. Look, I got to open her up.

What if it's something more serious?

What if it's AIDS? I don't know this kid.

I got to make sure she's got the right type of arm guts in there.

Am I supposed to trust some medical textbook or some black-and-white space photo?

Come on. I'm a doctor. It's what I do.

Prep the O.R.

You better be right this time.

There you are.

Hi.

You want to scrub in, watch me tear into a youngster's flesh?

Uh, no. I want to break up with you.

What? Why?

Are you Jewish?

Have you ever seen me drive a minivan?

No... Then, um...

I have a brain tumor.

Oh, [bleep].

Yeah.

How long have you known?

How long have I known...

How long have I known... Ugh. I can't lie. I...

I don't have a brain tumor. I just...

I couldn't think of a reason to break up with you.

Break up?

Not with you sick like this. I'm gonna take care of you.

No, no, no. Did you... I said I don't have a brain tumor.

That's just the brain tumor talking.

Oh, my God.

No, listen to me. I don't have a brain tumor.

Shh. Go and rest your tumor.

I'd kiss you goodbye, but I don't want to get brain cancer.

Oh.

Cat: Hey, roomie.

I poured you a "grig."

[Lola sighs] Well, how'd it go with Owen?

I broke up with him.

Oh, babe. How'd you do it?

I told him I had a brain tumor.

Wow! That's a good one.

[laughs]

[Lola groans]

Babe... Hey, I don't want you to be sad.

I want you to dance it out.

I don't know.

Yes.

Are you sure?

[rock music plays]

Oh. Uh-oh. What's happening?

Whoa. Unh-unh. Yeah. Come on! Come on!

Feel it! Shake it!

[both laugh]

Cat: Sometimes no matter how smart you are, you have to do what your brain jelly tells you to do.

Only problem is jelly is messy, and you could get it all over yourself.

[sneezes]

To catch a t*rror1st, you need to think like one, act like one.

Terrorize someone.

I work for the National Terrorism Strike Force, San Diego division.

Am I a white knight? Or a black checker?

Perhaps... I'm like Jenga.

Tell me your future thoughts!

All I know is if you have to ask...

Trick or treat.

you're on the wrong side.

I quit!

I don't negotiate with t*rrorists... because I am one.

National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle.

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

And that's why the only thing better than today is tomorrow.

[applause]

So inspiring.

Yeah. I wish I had cancer.

I want to break up with you.

What? Why?

Are you Jewish?

[sneezes]

Cat: What is love?

How fine is the line between love and like, between best friend and lover?

How much can we love one another if we don't even love ourselves?

We live our lives and we try to find meaning in our jobs.

And sometimes we make it our jobs to find meaning in our lives.

And we eat and we breathe and we sleep, and sometimes, we go to the bathroom.

It's called "life."

And what do you get when you cross life and love with Lola?

Loofa.

Hey.

Hey.

Whoa. You got a, um... A bat in the cave.

What?

You got a stalagmite.

Huh?

You have a booger.

Oh...

Other nostril.

Oh.

Attention, staff.

Will Captain Pierce please report to Colonel Blake? That is all.

Thanks. [Lola sneezes]

Cat: I... I guess I must have given you my cold.

I got to run. Pop this kid's shoulder back into place, would you? Thanks.

There you are.

I found a pair of your panties in my bed this morning.

We broke up a month ago. How often do you make your bed?

I'd like to make your bed again.

Glenn, it's over.

No, it's not because you're Jewish. A lot of people like candles and minivans.

What?

Look, excuse me while I pop this little boy's shoulder back into place.

I'd like to pop your shoulder back into place.

Now kiss me on the inside of my stupid mouth.

I can't... anymore.

Um... Ow!

Whatever happened to the healing power of laughter, you know?

Used to be I could pull a rabbit out of a hat or a quarter out of some kid's nose and, poof, leukemia's gone.

You know, I once cured a case of Lou Gehrig's disease by pretending I was trapped inside a box.

Sounds more like the healing power of magic... Or mime.

Just a claustrophobic clown in this tiny car of life.

And I can get tiny-carsick.

Hey, Blake, why don't you try the healing power of medicine?

[chuckles] Medicine?

Why don't I try the healing power of my ass?

[chief groans] Anyway, thanks for listening, chief.

Whoa. What are you doing?

Oh, my God. I totally misread that. I'm sorry.

Yikes.

Whatever.

So your girlfriend broke up with you. Who cares?

I've been divorced four times. You see me crying?

Yeah, right now, you're crying.

Listen, why don't you come back to the force?

I need my partner back.

I can't, Briggs.

Not after what happened to us on 9/11.

You got to get over 9/11.

That was seven years ago. [Owen chuckles]

It almost seems like it, doesn't it?

No, it was it.

It's 2008, so 9/11 was seven years ago.

Are you sure it wasn't 2002?

I thought it happened in January.

No. Forget it. Listen, just come back to the force.

Maybe this will change your mind... Your old shield...

And your piece.

Oh.

Briggs, I'm a doctor now.

In my line of work, I use a different kind of g*n, a g*n that doesn't take b*ll*ts.

I get it. You're talking about a scalpel.

No. Laser g*n.

Yeah.

You use that thing for surgery?

Oh, God, no. I vaporize people with it.

Did you know that in outer space, there are no laws?

We should go there.

Briggs: Could you and I be married in outer space?

Owen: What did you say?

Briggs: Nothing.

So, that's it. Thank you for watching these, the first two episodes of "Childrens Hospital" ever.

Um, you know, watching these episodes, I was kind of reminded of why I got into this whole business in the first place. When I was a kid, I used to I used to put on these plays in my basement, and my, uh...

My babysitter, Kurt, used to direct me and it was...

We... We would just have so much fun. Like, he would just... tell me to do certain things. Like once he had me, um...

He had me... take my pants off...

And, um...

Wait, that can't be right.

He...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my... no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, that son of a bitch.

That... That son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Oh, G...

Oh, G... Oh, I can't. I can't. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that son of a bitch!