06x13 - Less Money, More Problems

[bunniefuu]

[laughter]

So, Darlene, you gonna
quit working at the cafeteria

now that Mark's not going back
to Stephen A. Douglas?

Oh, as soon as possible.

School's on break, so I had to replace

all the students on work study
with convicts on work release.

One of them was a meth cook,

so guess who's gonna
be the new sous chef?

You're not the only one
looking to make a change.

I think addiction counseling

might be a little
too close to home for me.

Yeah, that was so stressful.
You had a breakdown.

You know, you should take it easy.

Like, right now,
you should probably fold.

You're not gonna win this
with a pair of 2s.

- Hey.
- Ooh.

I want to stay
in women's issues, though,

so I put myself up for an internship

at the Illinois Center for Women.

As someone who's dealt with
women's issues his entire life,

why the hell would you want to do that?

To catch the psychological problems

of young women early
and get them support

so they don't end up like...

- us.
- Mm.

Do they treat gambling
and emotional eating?

I raise.

You know, I feel so sorry
for people like that.

Is this pizza making you guys happy?

[laughs] It's making me so happy.

[laughter]

Hey.

I'm not gonna have time for dinner,

so is it okay if I grab a slice?

Don't they let you take
a break between jobs?

No, and I think I'm gonna
need to take a third job

to make my tuition.

Any ideas?

Why don't you
take things off of high shelves

and hand them to smaller people?

No, no, no, no.

What if you put stars
on top of Christmas trees?

Okay, I get it.

I'm the one tall person you guys know.

Okay, I'm out.

I'm not doing anything at all tomorrow.

Anybody want to hang out?

No? Well, your loss.

I'm gonna drive around

and look for one of those
Trader Joe's mini-tote bags

that are going on eBay
for like a thousand bucks.

Okay, could we just focus
on the game, please?

The raise is to you, Becky, and it is...

- $200.
- What?

The whole pot is 40¢
and a half-eaten candy cane.

Well, I got to get some more
money to pay the bills somehow.

You know, gas, water, electric,
groceries, everything is up.

I'll see your 200 and raise you

a million gazillion dollars.

Okay, fine.
Then it's $200 to you, Harris.

You live with me, too,
so it's only fair.

I think I can help with costs.

I'm moving out.

Fold.

Wait, what?

Wow, bombshell.

Also, me too.

Hey, what do you mean you're moving out?

Well, I just applied for a one-bedroom.

I'm making enough at the Lunch Box now,

and I want to know what
it's like to finally be able

to smoke weed in the comfort
of my own home.

My car was really starting to smell

like Snoop Dogg's tour bus.

I thought you stopped smoking weed.

Eh.

What's your excuse?

You're not living
in a Cheech and Chong movie.

Tyler and I have been talking about

all of us moving in together.

He has to get out of his house ASAP

because his mom isn't comfortable

with our relationship.

She keeps calling me the other woman.

Okay, so then what this is really about

is your desperation to hang on to Tyler,

so you're gonna live with him
way before you're ready.

Who says I'm not ready?

This is the exact same thing

you did with Mark in Minnesota, right?

You rushed into that situation
without thinking it through,

then you're like,
"Oh, no, I'm stranded here."

I was a teenager then.
I'm a grown woman now.

Yeah, and you got a kid.

You're not even thinking about
how this might affect her.

So you're trying to use my
daughter to get what you want?

Go to hell.

Well, I think somebody's
got to look out for her.

The only thing you're looking out for

is money, you greedy little gargoyle.

Don't you have a Gothic church
to perch on somewhere?

[bluesy rock music]



♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Hey, Grandpa,

do you have time to teach me
how to drive a truck?

No, not right now.
Jackie's on the 5-yard line.

Oh!

You kids are really lucky
you're getting your ball back.

Now, stay out of my yard.

Hey, what are you asking Dan for anyway?

I'm the one who used
to be a truck driver.

And now that the statute
of limitations has run out,

I can get back behind the wheel
anytime I want.

Except for in, uh...

except not Kentucky and, um, Alaska.

What a shame.

I only need to drive
in Kentucky and Alaska.

It'd be great if you could teach me.

I have to drive a tow truck tonight.

I got a job with a repo company.

No way am I gonna help you
repo somebody's car.

Please, Grandpa,

this is the only night job
where I can make enough money

to afford the University of Chicago.

It doesn't matter. It's too dangerous.

I caught some guy
repo-ing my truck one time.

It was 4th of July

and I hit him in the head
with a bottle rocket.

I didn't know he was wearing hairspray.

He's not gonna
be the one taking the heat.

I've seen plenty
of these shady repo operations.

Mark is obviously the decoy.

They like to use bland young boys

to distract the car owners with
the good news of Jesus Christ.

They hired me because
Illinois law requires

the computer system of any repo-ed car

to be cleared of personal data.

A guy I met at school,

the Raven, taught me how to do it.

I feel so much better knowing
you were trained by the Raven.

You don't understand.
I have to make this money now.

I just found out the university is only

gonna hold my spot for a year.

Damn.

All right, well, it looks like

I'm coming with you to keep you safe.

And I'm coming along
to keep you both safe.

I am legally allowed
to carry a taser again.

[chuckles] Just practicing my aim

and a Girl Scout comes out of nowhere.

I had to buy a lot of Thin Mints

to make that go away, I tell ya.

[laughs]

- Hey.
- Hey.

So Becky losing her mind
turned out good for you.

Just 50 extra bucks a month

and you can have the big bedroom.

I thought it was 200.

Oh, no, Becky's really the
big water and energy waster.

I mean, a bath every day
for Beverly Rose?

She's seven.

She's just gonna run outside

and start playing
with a dead squirrel again.

Yeah, I still don't think

we need to wait for Ben
to come back to pick that up.

[sighs] It doesn't matter anyways.

I just found out that
they won't rent to me

unless I have a cosigner.

That's a shame.

Although there is another
place that will accept me.

How would you feel about me living

by the old abandoned amusement park?

I heard singing coming
from the funhouse,

so I wouldn't be alone.

Harris, I can't cosign for you.

We don't know when Ben's gonna start

bringing in money from the new magazine

and if you fall behind on rent,

I'm on the hook,
and then I can't help Mark.

It's just a bad time.

When is a good time?
You're always helping Mark.

Look, this is a very
special opportunity for him

that is happening right now.

Just be patient
and I'm sure in the future,

I will be in a position to help you.

I'm sure in the future,
I'll be in a position to help you, too.

But I'm gonna buy
an above-ground swimming pool

instead of your heart medication.

Well, this is a good step.

At least you're acknowledging
that I have a heart.

How's it going?

Erasing the data now.

Oh, man, my cop training

really helping me put together
a profile of this deadbeat.

This little spoon? Cooking dope.

Cheerio's and Fruit Loops
all over the place?

Munchies from smoking the ganj.

Pacifier and diaper?

A kinky hooker was involved.

This is so easy.

Every time one of these losers
buys a car they can't afford,

I get one step closer
to paying my tuition.

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Get away from my car!

Hold it, hold it.
We're just doing our jobs.

You can get your car out of impound

when you catch up on your payments.

I'm charging the taser.
Keep her talking.

[sighs] Oh, God.

My ex was supposed
to be making the payments.

Yeah, yeah, look, we have to do this,

so just stay back and nobody gets hurt.

[whispering] They didn't give
me a battery for this thing.

So when I throw it at her, you rush her.

Please, please, please
don't take my car.

I need it to drive to work and
get my daughter to preschool.

Oh, you got a kid?

Who are you fooling?

I found your dope spoon
and your sweet cereal munchies

and your diaper

and your pacifier.

Oh, she's got a kid.

Look, can't you cut me
a break just this one time?

I promise I will make sure
that they get a payment.

- Dan?
- Yeah.

I mean, what are we doing here?

No amount of money is worth this.

We're not taking her car.

Yeah, I can't do this.

Uh, look, we're not gonna take your car,

but they'll probably send
somebody else over to get it.

The best thing you can do is
park a couple of blocks away.

And another thing I've seen people do

is you get, like, a 6-foot python.

You put that in the car.

But whatever you do,
and this is important,

you remember you take it out
before you put the kid in

because there's nothing worse
than finding a python

with a kid-shaped lump
in your back seat.

You did the right thing.

[sighs] I'm stupid
for thinking that I can make

enough money to go to a school
like the University of Chicago.

Things have a way of working out

that you can't see when
you're in the thick of it.

Stop telling me I can do this.

It's obvious I can't.

Maybe I'm not supposed to go to college.

Just let it go.

I saw a picture of her daughter.

No snake's gonna be able

to get their mouth around
that bowling ball head.

♪ ♪

Can we talk?

We can do it by the light of my phone

if you don't want to pay
for the overhead light.

I'm not an unreasonable person.

We can talk.

Here's $200.

I don't want you to think
I was taking advantage

while I was living here.

I don't want your money.

You don't have to prove to me
you're not greedy.

I know you're greedy. It's okay.

No, that's not the point.

What is the point?

Tyler?

Sure, it's about Tyler.

[sarcastically]
Everything's about Tyler.

Are you trying to be ironic?

You said it was about Tyler.

Well, it's about a lot of things. God.

Can you tell me the things

that are neither Tyler nor the money?

Why do I have to do
all the telling around here?

Why don't you tell for once?

You're losing your mind.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, well, that says it all right there.

If an ambulance pulls up
to the house, don't ask.

Just get in.

Don't go in the kitchen.
Becky's being weird.

Where have you guys been?

Dan and I have never been to a rave,

and we asked Mark to take us.

And...

we're all on acid,

so don't ask us any more questions.

I didn't want her to worry,
and you went right to dr*gs.

I took a job repo-ing cars,

but I couldn't go through with it.

Why are you doing crazy,
dangerous things?

Well, crazy and dangerous
is what pays good money.

I only have a year. I had to try.

Look, I know how important
this is to you,

but I don't want you risking your life.

Okay, I'm gonna keep
working at the cafeteria

just in case you go back
to Stephen A. Douglas.

I am not going back to SAD.

I know how much you hate that job.

I don't want you doing that
for me anymore.

Well, no, I... I really like the kids

and I like looking up their
slang when I get home at night.

Mark, you can't do this on your own.

I'm gonna get a job to help you out.

All I've been doing since
the hardware store burnt down

is sitting around
trying new peanut butters.

I... I can get a job, too.

I mean, yesterday,
I played checkers for two hours

at McDonald's with this Armenian guy,

and he's damn good.

But I just... [clicks tongue]

I need more.

But you guys worked your whole lives,
so you could retire.

You're not going back to work
because of me.

Son, this family has
struggled for generations.

If we've ever had the opportunity

to break that cycle,
you're the one to do it.

And it's not just about you.

It's all about all the Conners
to come after you.

They're gonna come after you for money.

They're gonna come after you for houses.

Listen, Mark, we all love you.

I mean, we want to do this for you.

No, I'm tired of being a burden.

I don't want anybody
sacrificing anything for me.

Okay? Just get on with your lives.

Or go and get lives
and then get on with them.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- [bluesy harmonica music]
- [knocking on door]

Hey, Raven.

It's the Raven.

But I'll let it slide. Come on in.

I'm glad you finally came around.

Doing that repo thing
is a waste of time.

This is where the real money's made.

That's Lloyd over there.
He goes by the Falcon.

- Hey, Falcon.
- Hey!

Never talk to the Falcon.

Okay, so what kind of hacking
will I be doing exactly?

You know how you get
a ton of annoying emails

from dodgy businesses
you've never heard of

that's trying to sell you stuff?

That's us.

So how do you make money at that?

Those businesses hire us to
hack into big corporate systems

and borrow their email lists.

I think there's a word for
borrowing without permission.

It's called stealing.

But where else are you
supposed to make this kind of money?

Nowhere, I guess.
That's... that's why I'm here.

The best thing to do
is concentrate on the fact

that we're helping people

who want to buy $800 sneakers
for 20 bucks.

Wow, those only cost you $20?

Oh, that's so cute.
You've never seen nice things.

These are real.

You see the Falcon's sunglasses?

They cost more than your dad's car.

I haven't seen my dad in years.

Make enough money doing this,
and he'll come right back.

All right, I'm in.

Well, if you're gonna be one of us,

you got to have a bird alias.

What you thinking, the Falcon?

The Stork.

Is it the long legs?

Hey.

Never question the Falcon.

♪ ♪

Congratulate me.

I got a job coding.

It's a Fortune 500 company.

They have offices in eight cities.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

What do they do?

Marketing research.

It's an AdTech company.

They use algorithms to reconfigure data.

Sounds neat.

Doesn't it?

Oh, Grandpa, I got a job
where the money is so good,

you and Aunt Jackie
don't need to get a job,

and Mom can quit SAD.

That's fantastic.

I know. It's almost too good to be true.

- But it's not. It is true.
- [chuckles]

I'm happy for the kid. [inhales deeply]

But I'm still gonna get another job.

What, you don't have faith
that he can make it work?

You never know what's gonna happen.

Companies downsize. There's layoffs.

Plus, since...

I ran out of peanut butters,
I'm bored senseless.

I fed pigeons yesterday.

I spent the whole day
with a bunch of flying rats.

And we're meeting up again on Thursday.

Did you come over here to tell me that?

Because that's the kind of thing
you can just sh**t over in a text.

Nope.

I talked to Becky earlier.

She said you've been acting irrational.

Oh, yeah, if it's irrational
to try to keep your sister

from moving out
with some guy she hardly knows,

then yes, I am irrational.

Let's consider
a different perspective on this

just for a moment, shall we?

I think you're full of crap.

What's going on?

I don't know. It's just all too much.

It's like...

the hardware store is gone.

Ben's off starting some crazy magazine.

I have no idea where I'm gonna work.

Becky and Harris are leaving.

I mean, why are they doing that to me?

They're not doing that to you.

They're just ready to leave.

Why don't you want them to?

I don't know.

I mean, I guess when Mom died, I...

I felt like I was supposed
to take care of the family.

I felt like the family needed me.

I think I need the family.

God.

I knew I loved Harris. She's my kid.

But Becky? Ugh, bleh.

Look, when you get older,

you want to spend
as much time as you can

with the people you love.

This new Darlene is a mushy pile of hugs

and kisses for her family.

Besides, you're still
gonna be there for her,

but you just have
to constantly drop in on them

with lame excuses like I do with you.

Okay. Thanks, Dad.

You may un-hug me now.

I can't.

Your love is like a tractor beam.

Keep squeezing. She's still moving.

Once she's limp, you're done.

You're right. How can I not love that?

[yawns]

Sorry I survived the hug,
but I've got good news.

I am gonna cosign for you,
you know, because I love you.

Are you serious?

- Yes.
- Thank you, Mom.

Maybe I'm being overly sentimental,

but I'm gonna give you 10% off
any sandwich at the Lunch Box.

Monday through Thursday
before 11:00 or after 5:00.

Avocado's still extra.

Uh, I'm a vegan.

I'll die without avocado.
But yeah, you know, your call.

Hey, Mom just gave me a hug
and told me she loved me.

Be careful.

Hey, I'm just passing through.

Let's not do something
we'll both regret.

Sit the hell down and let me be nice.

I'm sorry for what I said about Tyler.

I care about you and that's why

I tried to destroy
your last chance at love.

I guess I just wasn't ready

for you and Beverly Rose to move out.

But I actually do think that
you should live with Tyler.

Okay.

But you did say a few things
that made sense.

Really? I did?

Because when I thought back
on it, I was kind of mystified.

As much as I want to live with him,

I don't want to be stranded
out there with Beverly Rose

if it doesn't work out.

What if Tyler moves in here?

Really? You would do that?

Yeah.

I think it would be good for us to have

kind of a test run on living together.

And you won't end up

a lonely old woman wandering the halls

with lipstick smeared across your face.

I'm not gonna be lonely.

Once the magazine is set up,
Ben's gonna come back.

Aw, you still think that?

[bluesy harmonica music]

Excuse me, the Falcon?

I... I know I'm not supposed
to talk to you,

so I'll just talk
and you don't have to respond.

So my family, they've made me,
like, this golden child,

and I'm supposed to save
future generations of Conners,

and it's so much pressure.

And I...

Gotcha, no personal talk.

What kind of stuff are
you interested in?

Cat videos? Me, too!

[child giggles]