[THEME SONG PLAYING]
All righty, then.
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
Aah!
Aah!
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Welcome back to The Norton Limburger Show.
We're speaking with Ace Ventura.
A disturbed man who calls himself a pet detective.
[CROWD CHANTING] Ace! Ace!
What a load, why don't you just give up this sham
and do something constructive, pal?
Well, if you insist.
Ah!
You know, Norton, we'd like to recite a special cheer just for you.
♪ Norton, Norton, he's our man
♪ If he can't do it It probably Involves exercise ♪
Ace! Ace!
Yes! Dang, I'm good! Do you feel that, huh?
You can't do that on national TV!
Ah, don't worry.
Nobody watches this show anyway.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Spike, what's happening to us?
My every molecule is tingling in a strange yet oddly pleasurable way.
Pet detectives who've been kidnapped by space aliens
on tomorrow's Norton Limburger Show.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Where are we, boss monkey man?
[SPIKE SQUEAKS, YELLS]
I'll determine our exact location
with my HO identification skills.
Hmm, bitter and stagnant like the Everglades,
yet it has the slightly fruity bouquet of the Louisiana bayous.
[ROARING]
[YELLING]
[ACE PANTING] According to my highly-trained taste buds,
my hip associate, somehow we've been transported
to a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far...
far, far away.
I mean, really far...
Ace Ventura.
Holy perky pants!
Who are you?
I'm Yodude. I'm the one that brought you here.
Something bogus is going down.
All righty, then.
We've been transported to another galaxy by a short surfing puppet
with a bad complexion.
Here's the haps.
The Horse, the most awesome being in all the galaxy,
has been stolen by intergalactic bad boy numero uno, Tou-Pater.
Oh, he's the nastiest dude in the universe.
Well, I'll be sure not to invite him to my next birthday party.
Okay.
Anyway, I brought you here to rescue the Horse.
Yeah, when it comes to finding lost animals, you're the man.
Did you hear that, Spike?
My pet detective reputation has spread far beyond the Earth.
Oh, for sure.
I saw you on The Norton Limburger Show. He's the b*mb.
So much for the theory of intelligent life on other planets.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
So, what's the deal with this horse?
Check it out, dude.
The planets are aligning tonight in an awesome pattern
that occurs once every thousand years.
Remind me to buy a telescope when we get home, Spike.
[WHISTLES]
When the planets are hanging together,
legend has it, The Horse will talk and lay down some heavy info.
If Tou-Pater's got The Horse, he'll use the info for bad, man.
Like we're catching that heavy groove you're laying down, Daddy-O.
Here, use my wheels to haul booty across the desert lands
and hang with Drumm Solo at the Yes U Can-tina.
Road tripping, huh?
That's real now, man.
Who's Drumm Solo?
He's a smuggler with a spaceship that really rocks.
He's the man who can hook you up with Tou-Pater.
Come on, Spike. Let's pop the clutch on this bad boy.
Hold it, dudes.
You'll need some threads, a w*apon or two, and a dental hygiene kit.
Aha! A dental hygiene kit.
No doubt a cleverly disguised b*mb or tracking device.
Dude, an action hero's gotta have clean teeth.
Ah, super then.
Good luck, eh.
And when you return, may The Horse be with you.
Did you say something?
Ah, no.
All righty, then.
Have a nice day.
Yeehaw!
ACE: Whoa!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Intergalactic valet?
Groovy.
Take care of this for me, will you?
[CREATURES SHRIEKING]
Remember my primate poncho, try to blend in like me.
Wow!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Spike, look.
Those guys are speaking my language.
Maybe they can tell us where Drumm Solo is. [CHUCKLES]
Hi, there.
I don't mean to be tushy,
but if those are your cars,
I just rear-ended in the parking lot, I'm sorry.
I wrecked them.
[FARTING NOISES]
I don't suppose you two are willing to turn the other cheek, are you?
[ALIENS SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I think I said the wrong thing, monkey dude.
[ALIENS SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Breath spray?
Huh?
[FARTING NOISES]
Hmm. All righty, then.
Interesting dialect.
[ALIENS GROAN]
You insulted them with your little gas attack.
That, sir, was amazing.
Did you learn that from one of those mail-order schools
that also offer degrees in g*n cleaning and tattooing?
Nope, just the unfortunate result of eating too many Cantina nachos.
Excuse me.
Say, mister.
Are you by any chance Drumm Solo?
Yeah. How'd you know?
Oh, right.
Ace Ventura, intergalactic pet detective.
I need your help to find The Horse.
The Horse! What do you know about The Horse?
Oh, just that it's a large animal with four legs, solid hooves,
flowing mane and tail.
Long ago domesticated for drawing loads
too cumbersome for human hands.
I heard The Horse was kidnapped by Tou-Pater.
You heard right, little drummer boy.
And I need you to take me to that lo-hoo-ser's ship.
Me? Forget it, pal.
I'm not messing with Pater. Find yourself another ride.
Oh, really? Is little drummy rummy scared?
Hey, knock it off.
Drumm is a girly man. Drumm is a girly man.
Girly, girly, girly man. Girly, girly, girly man.
Okay, okay. I'll take you.
Stop dancing around like a lunatic.
All right.
But you'll miss the big finish where Spike and I do the macarena.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
See that guy? That's my boss.
Slamba, the gut.
He certainly looks good in cellulite.
Yeah, well, I owe him a lot of money.
I'm supposed to keep playing until my tab's paid off.
So we're going to have to sneak out.
Don't worry.
Spike and I are experts when it comes to covert moves.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Bobofat?
What is it, Slamba?
Drumm just ducked out of here with two guys.
One's got a loud shirt and a nice hairdo,
and the other's a short hairy guy. Follow him.
If Drumm tries to escape, destroy them all.
There it is, my ship, the Zirconium Canary.
It goes from zero to light speed in . seconds.
Which shopping network did you buy it from?
Dang, it's Bobofat.
Slamba must have sent him to stop us.
Yikes!
This kind of stress is not good for the dew.
Stay put, my condensed King Kong,
while I go make a quick purchase.
[HUMMING]
Hmm. Those look good.
Incoming!
Ah, grenade.
Wait a second. That's not a b*mb. It's cupcakes.
Wow, I enjoy cupcakes.
I don't know anyone who doesn't.
I believe it is now safe to depart, gentlemen.
[SHIP JETTING OFF]
Do you guys realize this is the first time
we've all sat down for a meal together?
Wow! Look at all that space.
Kind of makes you think, who did put that bop in the box you bopped you up!
Uh-oh, boys. We got trouble.
Look out for the asteroids.
Don't worry, I'm an expert pilot.
[ACE AND SPIKE YELLING]
Wow, my astro monkey-man, that's gotta be at least a hundred points.
All righty, then.
Whoa!
Oh, it's Tou-Pater's space fighters.
We're goners now.
I don't think so.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Cool your jets, my simian sergeant.
All I need is the peel.
Hey, I can get a ticket if you throw that out.
Or you can get annihilated if I don't.
All right, all right. Do it.
Okey dokey.
[SHIP HISSING]
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
It's an old gag, but still highly effective.
All righty, then.
Oh, no. Things just got worse.
We're caught in a tractor beam,
and we're being pulled aboard Tou-Pater's mothership, The Dark Wig.
ACE: Eeeew!
That hairstyle is out.
Well, I'm not sticking around to meet him.
I'm taking an escape pod out of here.
ACE: I'm sorry, sir, but we're all out of escape pods.
Please make another selection.
In that case I'll have to resort to Plan B.
Good luck, Ventura.
And may The Horse be with you.
Dear me, think it'll clog.
[ECHOING] Hello.
Hello.
ACE: Echo!
Echo.
All righty, then.
You have entered the mighty Tou-Pater.
Whoa!
Do I really sound like that?
That's the worst rug I ever saw.
It doesn't even match your helmet.
Prepare to meet your doom.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Sorry I'm not properly dressed for doom.
Could you come back later?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Ace Ventura, intergalactic pet detective.
Don't push me, Pater. I know how to use this thing.
Destroy him, now.
Watch!
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Spike!
Catch him, you fools!
Stop him, he's getting away.
Good going, my space faring simian savior.
Now, let's take this baby for a spin.
[SHIP SPINNING]
Watch it.
Yeehaw!
Get out of my way.
And to think I never even learned how to parallel park.
Super then! The coast is clear, Spike.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Gibbles and bits, and bits and bits.
Gibbles and bits, and bits and bits.
Wait a second. The Horse must be nearby.
-[SPIKE SQUEAKS] -[ACE NEIGHS LIKE HORSE]
[HORSE NEIGHS]
Aha! Horsey, howdy!
Eureka me and eureka you!
It's gotta be him, boss monkey-man.
Sorry, no autographs today, boys. I'm on a case.
Whoa! Quick, Spike, in here.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Hey, we're in a garbage unit.
You know, it's a shame
when people throw away a perfectly good pet detective.
The tag on my shirt said not to soak in garbage infested water.
-[SPIKE SCREAMS] -Spike, hang on!
Let's see. Mop head, old sock, lipstick.
Yes!
Hiya, big boy!
-[SPIKE SQUEAKS] -[ROARING]
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Let's get out of here, Spike. I don't think I wanna see what happens next.
Whoa!
I've been in some tight squeezes before, but oh!
My aching loins!
The welcome wagon has returned.
-[sh**ting LASER] -[ACE YELLING]
Oh, they better post a bridge outside before somebody gets hurt.
[SPIKE SHRIEKING]
We gotta get across and fast.
Aha! Our ticket to freedom.
Huh?
Just stand back while I give the old floss flame on.
Fasten your seatbelt and prepare for takeoff.
[ACE VOCALIZING]
Please depart in an orderly manner
and thank you for flying Air Ventura.
Zoom!
Wait a second, Spike. [SNIFFS]
The Horse is closer.
[SNIFFS] Phew!
Phew is right.
What are they feeding him, beans and franks?
-Hi, oh, silver! -[HORSE NEIGHS]
Yes!
Not exactly what I'd want to bet the future of the galaxy on,
but, hey, I'm not the one aligning the planets.
[SPIKE SQUEAKS]
Come on, Spike.
Let's get him loaded onto the canary and blow this joint.
Yodude, here we come.
So Yodude sent you.
I knew my old enemy would try to rescue The Horse.
Oh, please, Pater.
Don't let that thing jump off your head and bite me.
How dare you mock me!
Hand over The Horse or else...
That was impressive.
But can you do this?
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Foolish human.
No one has ever crossed Tou-Pater and lived to tell about it.
You'd be better off going after the guy who sold you that rock.
Now, there's a real crook.
Stand back, Spike, while I humiliate him with my swordplay.
Huh?
Woosh! Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Luke...
I am your father.
Luke? Who's Luke?
[ACE IN SLOW MOTION]
[CHUCKLES] Your fly is open.
Oops! How embarrassing.
Every intergalactic villain's worst nightmare.
There. And now, prepare to be terminated.
Eat laser, you dandruff slinging...
Uh-oh. I seem to be experiencing a slight malfunction.
Your batteries are dead.
Yodude always was too cheap to buy alkaline.
Whoa! Whoa!
Farewell, Ace Ventura of Planet Earth.
[GRUNTS]
Ace, use The Horse, dude.
Well, I usually never take the advice of aliens
who buy cheap batteries, but what the heck.
I'm too tired with you, Earth-man Ventura.
I'm going to... yikes! Ooh!
Well, well.
Let's see who our mystery guest is.
Hey, it's a little Trekkie.
Dang, I would have gotten away with it too,
if it hadn't been for you, you meddling pet detective.
No wonder you wear that lo-hoo-ser toupee, Tou-Pater.
Okay, I get the picture.
All my life I've been a nerd.
I figured if The Horse told me the secrets of the universe,
I could be this all powerful cool guy.
Thanks a lot for wrecking it for me.
Look, I'm going to my room now.
Nobody bother me, okay?
Well, that was surreal.
Look, you better just take The Horse.
When he gets like this, he usually complains for hours.
Wow! What a loser.
Let's give it up for Ace Ventura,
the most awesome pet detective in the galaxy.
Hang tight dudes, we're ten seconds away from planetary alignment
and The Horse having his say.
Ten, nine, eight...
It's always important to brush after a snack.
Three, two, one.
[BUZZING]
Okay, so I have a little tarter buildup.
It happens to everybody.
Thanks to you, The Horse spoke and we didn't hear him.
Yeah, and he won't speak again until the next planetary alignment
in a thousand years.
Rea-he-he-lly?
Then you've got something to look forward to, huh?
All righty, then.
Get that...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Faster, Spike.
We got to catch the next transporter beam out of this one-horse galaxy.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]