[OPENING THEME SONG PLAYING]
Alrighty, then.
[LAUGHING]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
Yes, yes!
Whoa!
-[CAR HONKS] -Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
[LAUGHING]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNORING]
[CLUCKING]
[SNORING]
[WARBLING]
[SCREAM]
[MOOS]
[PANICKED ANIMAL SOUNDS]
[GASPS]
Whoa!
Can you describe these cows farmer, Bob?
They're black and white, they got four feet, and they moo.
If you're trying to find my cow, Sheriff Buford and Mr...
Sculder. Agent Sculder, Special Investigations Unit,
Department of Agriculture.
Well, you're looking in the one place they ain't.
Do you remember seeing or hearing anything unusual
before the cows disappeared?
Well, there was this funny high-pitched noise.
[HOWLING]
No, that wasn't quite it.
VENTURA: Well then, perhaps it was more like this.
[ULULATING]
-No, it was more like... -Silence!
[SNIFFING]
Ah-ha!
As I thought, Huckleberry pie, my favorite.
Sculder, I want the entire pasture dusted
for prints immediately.
Bob, I want a complete psychological profile
of every farmer within a mile radius.
Sheriff, I want road blocks sealing up the entire county.
What are you going to do?
Why, I'm going to have me a hunka pie.
-Who is this guy? -Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
-Got any milk? -Got any milk?
I... I don't got any cows.
Right.
Now, I don't suppose there are any witnesses
to the cownappings?
Well, just the... the pigs and the chickens.
I don't suppose you want to talk to them.
Oh, yeah.
[SNORTS]
[CLUCKING]
Do they know anything?
No, but the chickens have a list of demands they want met,
or they won't lay any more eggs
and several pigs want to be sheep dogs.
There is something seriously wrong with this boy.
-Yeah, and you got a big butt. -SCULDER: Over here.
And you know what else? It jiggles when you walk.
[LAUGHS]
No hoofprints leading out. No signs of struggle.
-It's like they just vanished. -BOB: My milking machines.
They're all milked.
BUFORD: I got bad news for you, farmer Bob.
You got farm gremlins.
Oh, no! Not gremlins, I'm ruined.
[CRIES]
-Gremlins? -Nasty little critters.
They tear up farm machinery and steal livestock.
Gee, those [INAUDIBLE] or flying monkeys?
[SCREECH]
Or what about the wicked witch?
[EVIL LAUGH]
SCULDER: I've been scientifically studying
this problem for years.
I'm afraid your cows
were abducted by interplanetary marauders.
The melting of the machinery was no doubt
caused by intense radiation emitted by the alien vessel.
You know, little green men from Mars.
BOTH: Oh, no!
Not those green men from Mars.
I think you're all suffering from mad cow disease.
You've got a better theory, Dr. Doolittle?
As a matter of fact, I do.
You'll notice only cows were abducted, no pigs or chickens
and only milking machines were destroyed.
All of the farmers in this region are dairy farmers
which means the perpetrator is most likely one of farmer Bob's business rivals
trying to ruin his milk business.
[GASPS]
Sometimes that happens.
-Now, do you have any enemies? -No.
Well, except for farmer Bill next door.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
SCULDER: Have you noticed any owls
peeking in your windows at night, Farmer Bill?
Aliens often manifest themselves as owls.
-Come to think of it. -VENTURA: Aha!
I think, you want to see this.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
-Oh, I can explain that. -Yes, there's your culprit.
He sure doesn't look like an alien.
Where's his antenna?
Maybe he's got a ray g*n underneath the bed.
[LAUGHS] Tricky loser.
Book him, Sheriff.
My cows, they're gone!
Guess that blows your theory.
Got any more bright ideas, pet d*ck?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Impossible, a whole herd of cows can't just vanish.
[MOOS]
Why, that's Dulcee!
-She's mine. -I'll have to analyze her.
Well, that's one heck of a cow prod
you got there, pilgrim.
Yeow! It's not a prod.
Yeow! It's a probe.
Yeow!
Watch your butt, Mr. Chism.
[LAUGHS]
She's a cow, it won't hurt her.
Oh, and what makes you think cows don't have feelings?
What happened, Dulcee?
She doesn't remember.
A classic case of missing time syndrome.
Before the aliens release a subject, they brainwash them
so they can't remember.
The only way to retrieve the memory is through hypnosis.
I just happen to be a licensed animal hypnotist.
You're getting sleepy, sleepy.
Your eyes are getting heavy. You're getting sleepy.
You're in a deep trance, Dulcee.
This is the stupidest dang thing I ever heard of.
Nod if you can hear me.
Go back, Dulcee. Go back.
Try to remember.
[CLUCKING]
What's going on?
Apparently, she was a chicken in a former life.
You are a cow now, Dulcee. You are a cow.
[MOOS]
Moo.
Go back, back to an hour ago. Tell us what happened?
[SCREAMS]
It's okay, Dulcee. It's okay.
What did she say?
She said, "Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo!"
It's obvious she was the victim of an alien abduction.
I suggest you call an emergency town meeting,
so we can explain what's going on.
Good thinking.
We wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.
Moo.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
I regret to inform you
that your cattle have been abducted
by intergalactic rustlers.
You know, little green men from Mars.
[CLAMORING]
[SQUEAKING]
Friends, farmers, countrymen, lend me your ears.
No need for running.
There's a perfectly logical explanation.
Where is your sense of pride?
Do you want your town to be known as Loonyville USA?
Do you want people to ask
why this only happens to hicks in the Midwest?
You are farmers, the salt of the earth,
the backbone of America.
-He's right. -[FARMERS CHEERING]
And if little green from Mars are going to invade America,
it's up to us to stop them.
That's not quite what I meant.
I can't believe
they fell for that alien invasion stuff, Spike.
Spike?
[SCREECHING]
Spike!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Ugh!
[GROWLS]
I'm beginning to wonder what planet these people are from.
[CAR WHIRRING]
[GASPS] Hey, turn off your high beams...
[THUDS]
And stop tailgating, road hog.
-[SCREAMS] -[TIRES SCREECHING]
Okay, your turn but are you fast?
Yee-ha!
[CACKLES]
Loser. Huh?
[TIRES SCREECH]
Whoa!
All right, hotshot.
If there's anything wrong with my car,
it's going on your insurance.
Huh?
Okay, okay.
We'll settle this without involving
the insurance companies.
[SHRIEKS]
[SHOUTING]
[SCREAMS]
[MUMBLING]
-[SCREAMS] -[SIREN WAILING]
What in tarnation is going on here?
[CHUCKLES]
BUFORD: You are under arrest for speeding, reckless driving
and indecent exposure.
Hey, I was just trying to catch
one of those "UFO's" you've been raving about.
What he described sounds like a classic case
of alien abduction.
He may have been captured and probed.
Oh, I'd have noticed if I've been probed.
Not if you were brainwashed.
How do we know he ain't one of them?
He acts awful strange.
And you act like a bunch of pod people.
-BUFORD: That's it! -Yeow!
I'm locking you up.
I am not going in there.
[GRUNTING]
What the...
Them sure is pretty boots you're sporting.
-[CHUCKLES] -Aww!
Well, got to go.
Deputy, deputy!
Spike, whose side are you on?
Spike, we're going to get to the bottom of things
with a little help from our old friend,
master of disguise.
[CLAMORING]
That city slicker alien can't have gotten too far.
The one who catches them gets a reward.
VENTURA: Spike, I know you could use the cash
but don't even think about it.
[GROANS]
VENTURA: Well, that guy doesn't look anything like a cow.
Now, when the real thieves try to grab some cows,
we'll catch them in the act.
Moo!
[MOOS]
[WHISTLES]
Do you think you could act a little more like a cow?
Keep your end up, move around a little, moo.
[SCREECHING]
Forget the mooing.
Huh?
[PANICKED MOOING]
[UFO BUZZING]
VENTURA: This can't be happening.
Sculder was right, the cows were abducted by aliens.
[SCREAMS] We're moving.
[SHRIEKS]
Spike!
[SCREAMS]
Spike.
Keep arms and legs inside cow at all times.
Keep arms and legs inside cow at all times.
Keep arms and legs...
[UFO WHIRRING]
[UFO THUDS]
[MOOS]
VENTURA: Maybe they're friendly aliens
here to help humanity with their superior knowledge.
Or maybe they're going to perform
weird experiments on us and rearrange our organs.
New plan, Spike.
-Run! -BOTH ALIENS: Huh?
[GASPS]
Please, don't destroy my brain.
I am a lonely unworthy human.
Spare me.
[CRYING]
[GASPS]
Wait a minute, this is a milk factory.
[ALIENS GASP]
Either these aliens are from a calcium deficient planet
or they're not aliens.
Your alien abduction scenario
was very neatly staged, Agent Sculder, if that is your real name.
You convinced the locals their cows were abducted by aliens
to cover your effort to take over the milk industry
which would force powerless consumers
to buy only your own brand of no doubt overpriced milk.
[GASPS]
The question is, who are you really working for?
[ALARM BLARING]
So we meet again, Mr. Ventura.
Baron De Claw or shall I say, Cattle Baron De Claw?
I should have known
this was the work of the greediest man in the galaxy.
Duping the local hicks was easy.
The hard part was stealing
an experimental aircraft from NASA.
Big deal.
Try getting the keys to my dad's beamer.
Soon, I shall control the entire milk industry,
breakfast cereal, cheese and even children's ice cream
will all depend on Baron brand milk.
♪ Baron brand milk It is the best
♪Buy it up And get rid of the rest
♪Made from the milk Of American cows
♪Just a pinch Of German know how
♪Perfectly delicious Without a flaw
♪Because it comes From Baron De Claw ♪
It's utterly delicious.
[GAGGING AND COUGHING]
[GIGGLES]
[GRUNTS]
After him!
[SHRIEKS]
[CLAMORING]
[SCREAMS]
VENTURA: He's not back here.
There he goes.
[GASPING]
This way.
[GIGGLES]
Come on.
[COW MOOS]
There!
He must not ruin my plans for Baron brand milk.
♪ Baron brand milk It is the best ♪
Not now, you fools! After him.
Come on, girls. Let's go home.
-[EXCLAIMS] -[COW MOOS]
[SCREAMS]
One side, one side. Come on, one side.
Gee, intimidating piece of machinery.
Let's figure this out in a logical manner.
[BUTTONS BEEPING]
[SCREAMING]
Ooh, I'm going to lose my security deposit.
I just know it.
[SMASHES]
We can't let him get away.
Don't worry, I've got an idea.
-[DIALING] -Operator, get me the Air Force,
the National Guard and the Marines.
Hey, ask if they have pop in the fridge, I love that one.
Yes, it's an emergency.
A flying saucer is about to attack the earth.
Hey, I wonder if this thing's got a soda machine in it.
[GASPS]
Oh, super.
[LAUGHS]
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS] Aha!
[GASPS]
-[FIRES] -[SHRIEKS]
[EXCLAIMING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Spike, you got to at least take the controls
so we don't crash.
[MUMBLING]
Hey, how'd you get this back?
Yeah, what kind of bad guy would I be
if I only have one of these things?
Hmm, good point.
[GRUNTING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[SHRIEKS]
-[EXPLODES] -[MUMBLES]
[HOOTING]
[CHATTERING]
[SCREAMS]
I knew it. I just knew it. I knew you'd fight dirty.
My pride and joy, Mr. Ventura.
Prepare for a very close shave.
You really must get these nails done more often
if you want to be the belle of the ball.
Look, they're all blemished
with unsightly calcium deposits.
Say, you're not in the milk business, are you?
[SCREAMS]
Roger, we've cited the hostile alien spacecraft,
locking in and preparing to fire.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
[UFO THUDS]
Wow, ET!
Are you hungry?
Come on, I got a whole closet full of toys you can hide in.
[MOOS]
-I'm taking you in, De Claw. -No one will ever believe you.
They'll still think it was aliens.
[FARMERS CLAMORING]
You may have a point.
What do you think you're doing?
It's really aliens.
[CLAMORING]
Yep, yep. Ace Ventura: Pet detective wraps up another bizarre case.
Everything's back to normal here.
Moo. Moo.
Well, almost everything.
[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]