-[THEME SONG PLAYING] -[TIRES SCREECHING]
All righty, then.
[LAUGHING]
Yes! Yes!
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
[LAUGHING]
REPORTER: We're reporting live from State University
where Patsy, the educated gorilla,
has allegedly eaten her teacher, Professor Paul Embryo.
We have an eyewitness account from a janitor who works in the building.
The gorilla just went berserk. It was horrible.
[ROARING]
Surrender immediately or we will use extreme force.
[ROARING]
Ready!
Aim!
What is that?
[YODELING]
Yeah, Comrade Spike, first we help the gorilla,
then we strap on the lead the horse, and then polka until dawn.
You there! Evacuate the premises immediately.
I think I can talk the gorilla down.
POLICEMAN: This is a police matter.
Do not go up there.
It's do not go in there, and you're stealing my lines.
[ROARING]
[WHISTLES]
[ROARING]
Easy. Me friend.
Tell her, Spike.
[MONKEY CHATTERING]
What did the monkey say?
He said...
[MAKES MONKEY SOUNDS]
Banana?
Coconut?
Chocolate cream pie?
Then again, I should quit while I'm ahead.
[ROARING]
Perhaps the educated gorilla prefers food for thought.
Darwin's origin of species?
We're coming down, but under three conditions.
What are they?
One, Patsy wants a fair trial with lots of media coverage.
Two, she wants me to represent her.
Three, she wants you to zip up your fly.
Made you look.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
This looks like an open and shut case.
Yeah? And so does your butt.
If you're looking for the bathroom, Ventura,
there's a fire hydrant out front.
-[LAUGHS] -[ACE IMITATES LAUGHING]
[IMITATING AGUADO'S VOICE] Love your sense of humor, Aguado, so tongue-in-cheek.
Anyone ever tell you we look alike?
Now, fill me in on the case. I'm a little behind.
This is all that's left of Dr. Embryo.
Yeah. The ape ate him and she's gonna fry for that.
Ah! Now, this is interesting, Emilio?
What is it?
It's microscopic and completely devoid of intelligence.
It must be Aguado's brain.
Patsy didn't eat Professor Embryo
because gorillas are vegetarians.
Don't touch that. It could be evidence.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I just heard the terrible news.
Professor Embryo's favorite, pineapple anchovy.
So, you know Professor Embryo, Mr...
Redrum. Professor Redrum.
Professor Embryo was my friend and colleague.
We shared this lab together for years.
Gee, reminds me of hot summer days at the public pool.
They must be lemmings, one of Dr. Embryo's experiments?
No, one of my own.
I am on the verge of isolating the hormone
which compels lemmings to jump off cliffs.
The benefits to mankind are incalculable.
What exactly was Dr. Embryo teaching Patsy?
Fine Arts, mathematics, even sign language.
He was about to receive a major research grant from the university.
Sign language. Really?
[HAMMERING]
The People versus Patsy the Gorilla.
Mr. Ventura, what are these animals doing in my courtroom?
Friends and supporters of the defendant, Your Honor.
[ANIMALS MAKING NOISE]
Order in the court. Order in the court. Counsel for the prosecution.
The People will prove that Patsy, in a crime of passion,
did wantonly eat her teacher Professor Paul Embryo.
This forensic report notes that traces of simian saliva
found on the glasses and coat indicate that Dr. Embryo was eaten by a gorilla.
Hey, stop that.
Your Honor, he's licking me.
Is there a point to this outrageous display, Mr. Ventura?
Only that there's more than one way
that saliva soak a coat and glasses, Judge Hammerwack.
We have an eyewitness, Your Honor. Tell the court what you saw.
The professor opened the cage like he always does,
but all of a sudden, she att*cked him for no reason at all.
I ran out of the room to call for help.
Could you point out to us who you saw attack Professor Embryo?
Yeah. That's her.
Patsy the gorilla.
Counsel for the defense.
Spike, the lights. Defense Exhibit A.
Professor Embryo raised Patsy from a child
as if she were his own daughter.
He taught Patsy art, music, literature,
and transformed her from a wild jungle beast into a fine lady.
Over the years, Patsy became protective of Professor Embryo
and saved his life on numerous occasions.
I put it to you that Patsy was a loving, loyal and devoted friend,
and could not have harmed Professor Embryo.
[CRYING]
And now, as my only witness,
I wish to call Patsy the gorilla.
[ALL GASP]
How do you expect a gorilla to testify?
Why, in sign language, of course?
Patsy's vocabulary contains over , signs.
So she can tell us what happened in her own words.
Patsy, did you eat Professor Embryo?
Patsy says no.
Can you tell us what actually did happen, Patsy?
This sign translates as yes.
Patsy, do you know who Dr. Embryo's real k*ller is?
-Well? -A moment, please.
Ah-ha!
Patsy says m*rder.
But we already knew that.
Uh, Patsy, the part about knowing who the k*ller is?
m*rder? m*rder? m*rder?
Obviously, Patsy's a little upset, Your Honor.
I'd like to call a brief recess
so we can play kickball or a round of freeze tag.
Perhaps have a cookie, some milk?
[HAMMERING]
How does the jury find the defendant?
We find the defendant guilty as charged.
[SIREN WAILING]
The gorilla is locked up in a special security cell. No one is allowed in there.
Not even family?
No one.
Unless you happen to be President of the United States.
[LAUGHS]
I see.
[PLAYING INSTRUMENT]
Gorilla doom time.
Well, Patsy, time's up.
[LAUGHS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Be proud, Spike, for you are sidekick to...
Ace Ventura, master of disguise.
[SCREAMS]
It pleases your president to see you wearing blue,
fellow member of the union.
Ready, soldier.
I'm here to see the confederate gorilla prisoner.
You're not the president.
Oh, how about some ID then?
Honest Abe wouldn't lie now, would he?
Many thanks, soldier.
I'll be back in four scores and seven...
Hey, you can knock someone's fake beard up.
[CLATTERING]
m*rder? m*rder? m*rder?
Patsy, does the term broken record mean anything to you?
Anything to you? Anything to you? Anything to you?
Mm! A noose?
Spike, after that guard.
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
And I said, I don't care if you are the President of the United States.
Sweet mother of mercy.
She's gonna do me.
Let her go, oh, please!
Don't let my head get squashed like an overripe melon.
[PATSY GROWLING]
Hostage situation in Cell Block .
Let's not do anything hasty.
Okay, boys. Back off.
That's it, fellas. Cool and reasonable.
Cool and reasonable.
-Hey! -Hey! Hey!
Sure. I had to stage a prison break with an educated gorilla.
It's a trick.
[GROANS]
Oh, Patsy.
Check and mate. Bye-bye now.
There he is.
Gee, thanks. Hey!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, shorty, can't you read?
[SCREECHING SOUND]
All right, you's two, let's see those faces.
I don't believe this.
We put four years into this operation,
and some flat foot is gonna blow our cover.
You guys are undercover cops?
Good guess, Sherlock.
We're trying to blow the lid off professional wrestling.
It's all staged.
It is?
Gee, we thought you's two might be that gorilla and guy that broke out of prison.
[LAUGHTER]
It's a long shot, Woodstock, but if we could access Dr. Embryo's university files,
we might find the key to clearing Patsy's name.
It says here that Patsy does ballet, calculus, and portraiture.
Patsy...
can you draw Dr. Embryo's m*rder*r?
Super!
Yikes!
While the use of negative space in Patsy's piece is provocative
of particular annoyance is the thematic repetition.
Hey, Ace.
Leave Van Gogh-rilla alone for a second and take a look at this.
This is interesting.
It seems not all of Dr. Embryo's experiments with Patsy
were entirely successful.
He diagnosed her as suffering from a rare speech impediment.
Really?
Well, she doesn't lisp.
She doesn't stutter.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Back off, man.
Patsy signs everything backwards.
What?
m*rder. Redrum.
m*rder is Redrum,
and Redrum is m*rder, backwards that is.
That's what Patsy's been trying to tell us.
Professor Redrum is behind this.
But what about the janitor?
He saw Patsy attack Embryo.
He saw a gorilla attack Embryo.
-You mean? -Yes, a second gorilla theory.
All righty, then.
[MAN ON TV]Answer this phone call, and you'll win our -million-dollar grand prize.
Return, if you will,
to the night you saw a gorilla attack Dr. Embryo.
[WHISTLES]
Now, can you identify that gorilla?
[STUTTERING] No. I know it's not the yak.
Need I remind you there's a gorilla's life at stake.
[MAN ON TV]Pick up that phone. That phone is yours and ringing.
You pick it up right now, and you're million dollars richer.
Okay. Okay.
I can't tell the difference.
[CRYING]
I've made my point.
I suggest you go to the police and amend your testimony immediately.
-Big, big wallet. -Hello. He just stepped out.
Officer.
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Working a little late, aren't we, Professor Redrum?
What an unexpected surprise, Mr. Ventura.
I was just working on my latest experiment.
Well, I got news for you, buddy.
From now on you'll be performing your experiments in prison
after you are convicted of Professor Embryo's m*rder.
Why would I want to m*rder my closest friend and colleague?
The university was gonna cut your funding and give it to Dr. Embryo
whose experiments were obviously more interesting
than your stupid rodent tricks.
So you Professor Embryo yourself and set up Patsy as the patsy.
But the janitor saw Patsy attack Professor Embryo.
No.
He saw the gorilla you used as a ringer,
knowing the janitor wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
A second gorilla theory?
Poppycock!
Is that all, Mr. Ventura?
No.
What have you done with Professor Embryo?
What makes you think he's still alive?
Because this is pineapple anchovy pizza.
Because nobody, not even Aguado,
eats pineapple anchovy pizza but Dr. Embryo.
And because this pineapple anchovy pizza is still warm.
All right. You got me.
Professor Embryo is still alive, but not for long.
The university ignored my brilliant discoveries
in favor of Embryo's performing ape.
I succeeded in isolating the lemming hormone,
and fed it to that pathetic animal trainer.
By adding a lemming hormone topping to his favorite pizza?
Yes. And soon there will be no trace of Professor Embryo.
You don't mean?
Yes.
Yes. Professor Embryo runs with the lemmings.
Not for long. Spike, let's roll.
You were right about the second gorilla theory.
Meet Lars, behaviorally conditioned
to respond to the sound of this bell.
[LAUGHS]
Attack.
[LARS GROWLING]
Hi-ya!
[SCREAMING]
Uh-oh.
Spank you. That really softened the blow.
-[LARS GROWLING] -[SPIKE SCREECHING]
Yikes!
My skeleton. He tore my skeleton out.
I'll never walk again.
[LARS GROWLING]
If I do not have my skeleton, why do my bones hurt so much?
[LARS GROWLING]
-[SPIKE SCREAMING] -Stop her good, Spike.
-[LARS GROWLING] -Yell!
This is getting tiresome.
[METAL TAPPING SOUND]
Back at you, lemmingstein.
-[GROWLING] -[BELL RINGING]
-[LARS GROWLING] -[METAL TAPPING SOUND]
-[BELL RINGING] -[LARS GROWLING]
[METAL TAPPING SOUND]
-[BELL RINGING] -[LARS GROWLING]
[LARS GROWLING]
-[BELL RINGING] -[METAL TAPPING SOUND]
-[BELL RINGING] -[METAL TAPPING SOUND]
[LARS GROWLING]
[LARS GROWLING]
[ACE GROANS]
I know those legs anywhere. Patsy, tag, you're it.
[PATSY GROWLING]
How did she learn to do that?
Professor Embryo often rewarded Patsy
by letting her watch Three Stooges movies.
And now to save Professor Embryo.
Oh, one more thing.
[BELL RINGING]
[LARS GROWLING]
Take care now. Bye-bye then.
Lemmings on the rocks? I don't think so.
Wait!
That first steps are doozy.
I, I don't know what came over me.
[PATSY CHATTERING]
Patsy.
And I would especially like to thank Mr. Ace Ventura for proving Patsy's innocence.
[APPLAUSE]
Now, I would like to introduce my newest student, Lars the gorilla.
Lars and Patsy, the love monkeys.
I think I'll offer my congratulations.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[LARS GROWLING]
Did, did I say something wrong?
Only that "Patsy's breath smelled like billy goat doo-doo".
My mistake.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]