02x03 - Keeping the Faith

[bunniefuu]

HANK:
Previously on Royal Pains.

ADMlNlSTRATOR:
You let a billionaire
hospital trustee die

to save some kid
off the street.

l made a judgment call.
You made a mistake.

EVAN: This trip is gonna
get you back on your feet.

HANK: What trip?
EVAN: To the Hamptons!

Stay in my guest cottage
for the summer.

This thing you have,
it's genetic.

Quite fatal.

l'd like to start
making some calls.

Dr. Marisa Casseras.

You don't want
your dad to see
how far you've come?

When my mom got sick,
he just walked out on us.

What you did
was gutless and pitiful.

ln the last three days
l found the most
wonderful man.

Hi, boys.

You are gonna love
the new script.

We've really dimensionalized
your character.

Fleshed out his backstory,
given him a girlfriend.

l have a girlfriend?

Beauty and the Beast.
lt's timeless.

l'm guessing
l'm not the beauty.

Plus, the girlfriend
will really shore up
our female demographics.

But l live in a landfill.
Used to.

Now you live in Miami.
This isn't the minor
leagues anymore.

lt sounds great,
but l'd like
run it by Faith.

Hi. l am so sorry
l'm late.

l forgot the name
of the restaurant.

Oh, is that
the sh**ting script?

Hot off the presses.

l have a girlfriend.

ln a landfill?
Miami.

You are going to love this.

We'll see
when l read the script.

[CHUCKLES]

So how long will you
be in the Hamptons?
A week.

Oh, then you must
come to a party that
l'm having on Saturday.

We'd love to.

Oh, great!
This is so exciting.

lt's my son
Bowen's birthday.
He'll be 1 1 .

He is your biggest fan.

Terrific.

Uh, okay, well,
l'll let you two take care
of the business stuff.

Oh, Donald, a question.

Do you travel
with your costume?

Because l'd love it
if you could come
in character.

Sure. Love to.
Oh, fantastic.

Thank you, sweetheart.

[POLlCE SlREN WAlLS]

License and registration,
please.

Sure.

l saw you weaving
while you were pulling out

of the restaurant
parking lot.

You have any drinks
while you were in there?

Just a diet cola.

You want to step out of
the vehicle for a second?

And, um...

[STAMMERS]
Step over to the curb.

All right,
l'm gonna give you
a field sobriety test.

What l'd like you
to do is take

nine heel-to-toe steps
towards me.

All right, sir,
l want you to stop.

My legs.
Sir, l'm not gonna
ask you again!

[GRUNTS]

EVAN: l hate
having to hitch a ride.

Why are you having lunch
with Newberg anyway?

Look, if Eddie's
gonna be around and
get tangled in our lives,

l can't control it,
but l can warn her.

So you're choosing
our client over our dad?

Exactly.

l just don't understand
why you have to say
anything at all.

What the hell is that?

Yeah, l need backup.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
What do you
think you're doing?

He's suffocating.
He's a doctor.

Look, you have to
uncuff him now.

No, l'm not letting
Mongo loose.

Look, he's got
positional asphyxia.

The only thing he's trying
to get at is some oxygen.

Please.

[GASPlNG]

lt's gonna be all right.
l got you.

Evan, help me
roll him over now.
Let's go.

There you go.
There you go.

Oh, my God,
it's the Garbage Collector!

Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.

That's the Garbage Collector.

Oh, my God!
Let's get him up.

Let's get him up.
How?

[GRUNTlNG]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

There you go.
Are you okay?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

That's it.
Slow, deep breaths.

Oh, my God,
l'm a humongous
fan of yours.

Humongous. Forever.

Like, l've seen
every one of your movies.

l read the interview
with Fangoria last month.
Epic!

You want a picture,
don't you?

l would love...
Well, l mean...

Yeah,
l would love a picture.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
Okay, here you go.
No.

Just...

All right.

''Cheese'' on three.
One, two, three.

Cheese!

Garbage Collector I
cost like what,
like 100 grand?

lt grossed $80 million.
80 million!

You must have made
a k*lling off that, right?

Evan, would you please...
What?

l got paid $700
for three days' work.

What?
Are you serious?

l didn't have any lines
in the first one.

l mean,
l wasn't complaining.

lt was better than
being a bodyguard.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's
bodyguard.

Right?
Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Right.
That's so cool.

By the way,
Garbage Collector IV,
the last one.

By far the best one,
by far.

lt made Garbage Collector III
look like Garbage Collector I.

What does that even mean?

How much do l
owe you, doc?

[CLlCKS]

l think we can
call it even.

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

l shouldn't have eaten
that cake, Hank.

l should have
just applied it
directly to my thighs.

Okay.

So this is, uh...

This is a little
awkward for me.

Hank, l'm not trying
to replace your mother.

What? No, that's...

Your father is
a wonderful man,
but we're just dating.

Though he is
hard to resist.

Did you know he's
bringing sexy back?

l wasn't aware it had left.

But you should know...
He's not after my money,

if that's what
you're worried about.

Well, l...
He told me all about
his financial problems.

How he borrowed
money from you,

and he was embarrassed
when he paid you back late.

He told you all that?

We have no secrets, Hank.

Well,
maybe l kept one or two.

Yeah, he may have also.

You know what?
My last name is reserved.

Would you
excuse me a second?

l don't know how
l can make it clearer.

That table is reserved
for someone else.

Yes. And let me
make this very clear.

l don't get that table,
l'm talking to your manager.

Uh, is everything okay here?

Yeah. Hi, Hank.
Hi.

l heard you were
having lunch over here,

and l thought maybe
l would join you for coffee.

l was asking for
an extra chair.

l've got a busy day.
l'm gonna get going.

Thanks for
meeting me, Ms. Newberg.
So great to see you.

What are you
going to do with that?

l want to send this
to a lab in the city

to look for newly
identified gene mutations

that could be pertinent
to your situation.

And if they find them?

Well, then, we'll know
which direction to head in.

There are a number of places
doing good work in this area.

Open up, please.

UC San Diego,
Berlin, Buenos Aires.

How strangely refreshing.

There's one study by your
research contact in Cuba,

Dr. Casseras, that seems
particularly promising.

But l've had a difficult
time reaching her.

Yes.

Okay, well,
l'll let you know
as soon as l hear back.

All right.
Thank you, Hank.

[BANGlNG ON DOOR]

Oh, my God, that's him.
That's crazy,
he's at my house.

Okay, try not to gush.

Uh, l don't think l will.

l was talking to myself.

This is awesome.
This is awesome.

Hi.
Hello.

Just as you described.

Evan R. Lawson.
l'm the CFO of HankMed, LLC.

Faith N. Green, Esq.

CEO of Garbage Collector
Productions, LLP.

EVAN: Wow. Welcome.

l believe
you've met Donald?

Yes, we have met.

Hello, sir. How are you?

How you doing, man?
Welcome.

Hey.

Hey, Donald,
good to see you again.

Hey, Doc.

This is Divya Katdare,
my physician assistant.

Ma'am.
HANK: So how can
l help you?

Well, his knees
and lower legs have
been feeling weak.

He gets a tingly feeling
in his feet,

and his balance
is occasionally off.

l'll shut up now.

How long has
this been going on?

Two to three months,
give or take.

l mean,
it comes and goes.

Yeah. Thank God he has
an insurance physical
in two weeks,

otherwise he'd never
agree to see a doctor.

That's absolutely
the last thing l'll say.

Faith, why don't you and l
step outside for a sec?

l think
that's a good idea.

Why don't you
come into my office?
Okay.

Whoa.

He's gonna be fine.
Okay? l promise you.

He's in really good hands
with my brother.

Thanks.

God. There's just
so much going
on right now.

He's under such stress.
We both are.

Well, the Hamptons
is a pretty good place
to reduce stress.

ls it?
l've never been here.

Really?

Maybe you'd be willing
to show me the sights.

Willing and able.

Great. l mean,
if my brother's okay,

and our schedule is clear.
What's that?

Donald is my big brother.
You knew that, right?

l hope
you're messing with me.

Because, short of
a Whitesnake reunion,

that might be the
most frightening news
l've ever heard.

Oh. ls everything okay?

Yeah.
They just ran some tests.

Yeah, l'll let you know
as soon as we have
the results.

ln the meantime,
no mayhem, no k*lling
bad guys or whatever.

No, we have no mayhem.
We have nothing
on our schedule.

ln fact, Evan was going
to show me the Hampton sites.

Yeah.
She asked me.

Just because
you guys... Oh.

l think you should take her
to a nice restaurant.

Yeah.

Where a gentleman
would take a lady.

We have a lot in common,
you know.

We both work
for our brothers.

We both have
professional degrees
in fields we're not using.

And we both think
you're cute.

True, true, and true.

Well, last year,
you know,

between being on location
and personal appearances

and the fact that Donald
can't say no to anyone,

we were on the road
for 39 weeks.

Whoa.
l know.

You must get exhausted
with all the flying.

But you're getting points,
though, so that's good.

Oh, no,
we drive everywhere.

What? No wonder you're
on the road for 39 weeks.

Well, flying is not
too comfy for Donald.

When he's in row 21,
his feet are in row 19.

You know what,
l'm gonna make you
a ''HankMed travel kit.''

lt's something
l throw together

for clients who are
always on the go.

That is so sweet.

lt's just a bag full
of trinkets.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.
Sorry, l'm fine.

l'm just so used
to being the caretaker

that when someone
does something for me...

Well,
l'll tell you what, Faith,

if it makes you
feel any better,

you can pay for dinner.

You can pay for
the whole thing.

You know,
traveling so much,

you rarely meet good guys,
and when you do, it's...

You're off to
the next town.

Hmm.

Oh, they're just vitamins.

Being on the road
as much as we are,

you do what you can
to stay healthy.

Yeah. Of course.

Big ones.

So l'm really
out of practice with
this whole dating thing,

but you want to
get out of here?

Now?
Yeah.

We just got our dinner.
You haven't even
touched yours yet.

Yeah, well,
l recently lost some weight,

and l feel so much better,
and l just plan on
keeping it off.

Okay. Okay.

This is nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

l'm sorry.
l have to get this.

Yeah, yes.
Of course.

Henry, mayday, mayday.

You need to call me
in five minutes

and pretend that
it's an emergency.

Yes,
l'm completely serious.
Call me in five...

Henry?

[SlGHS]
l'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.

Where were we?
Where were we?

Things have really
changed for Donald
and me this last year.

Do you know how many weeks
l was on the road for?

Thirty-nine?

Yes, exactly.
lt's lonely, too.

You rarely meet
any good guys,
and when you do...

[LAUGHS]

What?
We just had this
conversation, right?

We just had
this exact conversation.

You don't remember that?

[LAUGHS]

DONALD: Sorry about
the shoe thing.

Arnold's letting me use
his house for the week,

and he's really finicky
about that sort of thing.

Hey, don't want to
make Arnold mad.

Right.

So all your tests
came back negative.

Except you're
slightly anemic.

ls that causing
the weakness in my legs?

Oh, not by itself.

You don't have an iron
deficiency anemia,

and your sodium
and potassium levels
are fine.

Donald!
What?

Hi.
Hey. What's up?

l was in the area,
thought l'd stop by and
say hi to my friend Jill.

And?

Does there have
to be an and?

And do you know where
there's an MRl machine

big enough for
a 7-foot-tall,
500-pound patient?

Wait.
The Garbage Collector's
your patient?

Yeah. How...

Hank, l love
the Garbage Collector.

l have the entire
DVD box set.

So do you know
where there's a large
MRl machine l can use?

Uh, well, it's a bit
unorthodox, but, yeah.

Do you want to tell me?

l don't.
But l'll show you.

l saw the first Trash
Collector at Fear Fest.

l had nightmares
for six months.

Thank you.

And in one, l dreamt that
l went to the orthodontist,

and he gave me trash teeth.

How do you even
talk with those?

l have ten different
sets of teeth.

Some for long sh*ts,
some for closeups,

and then some for talking.

So, it's a horse MRl.

Sorry about this.

Don't be, Jill.

l've had to live with
being big my entire life.

As a kid,
l was growing so fast,

for entertainment,
my parents used to

stand me in
the middle of the room
and just watch me grow.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. l guess
we should go in.

Come on, let's go.

[RlNGlNG]

Okay,
so it's not baseball.

Remember?
Just tap it.

Just get it
over the net.

[CELL PHONE
CONTlNUES RlNGlNG]

Are you gonna
finally answer that?

No. l already know
who it is.

lt's this girl.
She's really cute, actually.

She likes me,
but she has a brother
who's the size of Trump Tower,

and l suspect
he wants to k*ll me.

Well, you know,
that's the Lawson curse.

Oh, yeah?
When you're wildly
desirable to women,

that's the cross
you gotta bear.

Lawson curse.

All right.
Coming at you.

So, it's good.
lt's a homerun.

Yeah.
MAN: Hey, pal, can you
help me out?

The guy at the gate said
make a left at the topiary.

What the hell is a topiary?

A topiary,
that's a shrub or a tree

trimmed into
decorative shapes.

Look, l just gotta
drop off some
medical supplies

and get on
with my route.

Oh, yeah,
that's my son,
the doctor.

l'll sign that.

Thank you.

What's the name?

Eddie.

Hi, Evan. Oh!
Oh, no, Evan.

Hey, Faith.

So you're alone.

Um, how...
What are you doing here?

Oh, Donald has
an appointment.

He has another appointment?

Another?
Yeah, he was
here yesterday.

Friday, right?
[GASPS]

Oh, no, it's Saturday.

The party.
Okay, l have to get
to Further Lane.

Do you know
where that is?

Uh...

[LAUGHS]

lt's mature.
Maybe let some
of the other kids go.

lt was my turn.

What's with the 910 text?
What does that even mean?

lt's not quite
a 91 1 emergency,
but it's close.

So that's why
you got me here?
Yeah.

Hank, please, you need to
run interference with Faith.

Okay? She keeps
conveniently forgetting things

to get what she wants,
which happens to be me.

Hey!
Oh, hi.

Hey, Faith.

Yeah, she's crazier
than Glenn Close on Easter.

Okay, l'm...
Talk to her.
See for yourself.

Okay, are you...
Are you familiar with
the Hubble Telescope?

Yeah.

lt's the most
powerful telescope
in the world, right?

l mean, it can actually
see into distant galaxies.

Yeah.

lf l were using
that telescope right now,

l still wouldn't be
able to discover

how little l care
about your problem.

Okay.
l'm begging you here.

Please. Please.
Her brother's here.

Donald's here?
Yeah, he's in the cabana.

He's doing something
for the kid's birthday.

Oh. l just... look.

l'll prove it to you.
Okay, l will prove it to you.

Give me five minutes to
make the clock go cuckoo,
we're out of here.

Five minutes.

Five minutes,
we're out of here.

Don't forget to get
a gift bag on your way out.

Hey, Hank.

Did you know that
your brother is the
sweetest person in the world?

Well...
l get so lost around here,

and he offered to drive me.

He is my knight
in shining armor.

That's nice.
Nice to see you, Faith.

You guys look cute together.

Did you tell him
to say that?
[LAUGHS]

Uh, Donald?

Hey.
Hey.

l've never had
a groupie before.

Uh, yeah,
no, l'm actually here

because my brother
sent me a 910 text.
Don't ask.

How's the hand?

Not bad.
All things considered.

Yeah.
Looking good.

ls all this supposed
to scare the kids?

Yeah. Why?

l don't know.
The kids out here,
they're, you know,

they've kind of
seen it all, so...

[SlGHS] That doesn't
bode well for me.

l know.

Unless...

Unless?

Okay, everybody.
Pay attention. Hands up.

Put your hands up.

Okay, kids,
gather round all over here.

Gather round. Hands up.

Okay, good job.
Good job.

Now is everybody
ready for the big show?

KlDS: Yes!
Are you excited?

KlDS: Yes!

Ready!

[ROARlNG]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

Yeah, this is not going
so well for him.

No.

You threw that recyclable

in the wrong container.

Uh, yeah,
l guess l did.

lt's people like you

that are
ruining this planet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what are you
gonna do about it?

[LAUGHlNG]

What am l gonna
do about it?

ALL: Trash him! Trash him!
Trash him! Trash him!

Trash him! Trash him!
Trash him! Trash him!

Oh!

Trash him! Trash him!

Hello. You're not gonna
even try to help?

Hey, are you familiar
with the Hubble Telescope?

lt's time to
take out the trash!

Oh.

Donald?

[GROANlNG]

Weren't you supposed
to gently place me
in the trash can?

Hank,
l can't feel my legs.

[GROANS]

l think l'm suffering
from post-traumatic
Donald disorder.

Okay, what are you doing?

l'm putting together
a ''HankMed travel kit''
for Faith.

She gets a bobblehead?

You either really like her
or really don't.

[EVAN CHUCKLES]

l'm trapped.

l can't do
anything with Faith
because of Donald.

And l can't not
do anything with her

because, well,
because of her.

lt's your classic
existential dilemma.

Yeah, l don't think
you know what
existential means.

No, l know
what it means.
l don't think you do.

l've been thinking about
pulling a will together.

Um, l leave
everything to you,

but since l don't
actually own anything,
you just get the will.

So does that
interest you at all?

No, it doesn't.

Where'd these come from?

Well, you see,
when a mama box

and a papa box...
Really?

Delivery guy brought it.

l didn't order
broad-spectrum antibiotics,

and if l did,
l wouldn't use
this many in a year.

They're from Germany,
addressed to Boris.

[SHOUTlNG]

Sorry to interrupt.

[SPEAKlNG GERMAN]

Hank, what can we
do for you?

Well, l was
a little surprised to find

Costco-sized boxes
of Ciproxin, doxycycline,

and azitomycin
in my living room.

Oh, yeah,
l imagine you would be

since they weren't
meant for you.

Ha!

Someone give you a heads up
on the apocalypse?

Can you tell me why
you had those medications
sent to your home?

They're not for
my personal use, Hank.

So they shouldn't
concern you.

What should concern you
is that an Edward R. Lawson,
your father,

seems to be making himself
at home in my home.

And apparently,
he particularly enjoys

the Shadow Pond
tennis courts.

Since that's where he signed
for the medications himself.

He signed for them?

Yeah, as simply ''Eddie.''

lt would seem
the Lawson is now implied
around here, yeah?

lt won't happen again.

l consider myself
a hospitable man, Hank,

but my hospitality
has its limits.

l said it won't
happen again.

l'm your doctor.

My personal life
doesn't concern you,

especially not my father,
so, please, stay out of it.

Remind me again.

What do we know
about Edward Lawson?

Hey.
Hi.

These are for you.
They're freshly baked.

They're Tate's.
Local delicacy.

Yeah,
freshly baked there.

Would you mind
hiding them?

l don't want
Faith to see them.

Why?
ls she a diabetic?

No, she went
on a serious diet
a few months ago.

l'm really proud of her,

but l try not
to leave around food
that might tempt her.

Okay, well, l would
never want to do
anything to tempt her,

so l'm just gonna
go and find a place
to stick these.

l could think
of a place.

That's good.
l'll go check on Faith.

Okay.

So your spinal tap
came back negative

for encephalitis
and multiple sclerosis,

which is great,
but now l'm stumped.

lsn't there, like,
a no-stump clause
in your contract?

Well, that's why
there are specialists.

l have some calls out.
l can set it up with Faith.

l just hope
the word specialist

doesn't freak out
Faith too much.

Well, if it does, there are
specialists for that, too.

Evan, something
happened today,

and l really need
to tell someone.

Oh, um, maybe
you should tell
your brother.

Oh, l can't.

Okay, well, if you
can't tell him,

then, by all means,
do not tell me.

l got offered a job.

[SlGHS] Do you not
hear anything l say?

lt's at this great
environmental law firm

back in our hometown.

Faith, if
you're a lawyer,

why aren't you
practicing law?

Oh, well, l finished
law school,

passed the bar,
but before l could
get a job at a firm,

Donald asked me
to work for him,

you know,
and l couldn't say no.

Yeah, l have that same
problem with him.

When we were young,
he was so sensitive
about his size.

And even though
he was playing
varsity football

in the sixth grade,
l wanted him to feel

like he was still
a normal kid.

l spent my life
taking care of him.

You may find this
hard to believe,

but not too long ago,

my life was parties,
women, and cash.

Parties l couldn't get into,
women l could never date,

and cash l never had,
but, yeah, it was bad.

l was Lost Evan.

l didn't know it
at the time,
but l was.

And then Hank's career
went down like
the Hindenburg,

and things started
looking up.

We moved out here,
and everything changed.

No more Lost Evan?

Yeah, but l didn't
find myself

and attain Evan R. Lawson,
CFO of HankMed status

until l moved in
with my brother, okay?

l feel like you're not
gonna find yourself

until your leave yours.

Tell Donald.

l don't want to be there
when you do.

[LAUGHS]

But tell him.

[SlGHS]

Wait here.

l forgot to take
my vitamins.

Yeah.

Um, and for the record,

l really like Found Evan.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

Donny invited me.

Donny?
You call him Donny?

He told me to
call him Donny.

So you guys are just
on a Donny basis now?

[LAUGHS]
Wait, are you jealous?

No... l don't know.
l don't know.

Maybe l don't like seeing
other guys make you laugh.

Ah.

Especially not
ginormous ones
like that guy.

So only you can
make me laugh?

Yes.
[LAUGHS]

l rest my case.
Okay.

Look, l get it.

l am sure
l wouldn't enjoy

watching another woman
make you laugh.

And l wouldn't want
to see you laugh
with another woman.

Or call her Donny.

[LAUGHS]
That really bothers you.

Yeah, a little bit.
A little bit.

l'm sure you can
call him Donny, too.

All you have
to do is ask.

Yeah.
Excuse me
one minute.

Well, l didn't
mean now.

Hey, you want me
to man the grill?

That's kind of a personal
question, don't you think?

Well, l just thought...

l'm fine.

That grill won't give you
the same gentle,
pillowy cushion

that my torso did.

lf you wanna help, here.

Dinner's done.
Carry this to the table.

You have
any food for us?

[LAUGHS]
Wise guy.

Hi, Jill.
Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me,
Donny.

Sure. Anybody see Faith?

Yeah, she...

She went to get
some vitamins.

Faith?

Hey, Faith,
food's ready!

Faith!

[GAGS]

What's happening?

[CRYlNG]
My chest.

Yeah, your esophagus
is obstructed.

We have to clear
her airway.
FAlTH: Okay.

The EMTs are on their way.

What are you
gonna do with that?

Get what's in there out.
Hold that.

Thank you.

Okay, here we go.

Hank, that's not helping.
What are you doing?

l just lowered
the deflated balloon
into Faith's esophagus.

Okay, thank you.

Now l'm gonna inflate it...

[SCREAMS]
Okay.

Okay, good.

Now l'm gonna lift it
and hopefully it will
pick up

what's stuck
and pull it out.

Divya.

There's something
in there.

Okay. There we go.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

What is that?

l'm not sure.
Pills of some sort.

[FAlTH GASPlNG]

Faith, come here.

Have you been
taking anything?

Yes, vitamins.

Yeah, big,
horse-sized ones.

Because... For my diet.

Why don't we give them
some doctor-patient
confidential time, hmm?

But l want Evan to stay.

[STUTTERS] No, no, no,
she's delirious.

She meant Donald,
right?
You meant Donald.

She meant you.

Stay.
Okay, l'll stay.

Yeah.

Here you go.

Don mentioned
that you lost some
weight recently?

Did you have
a gastric bypass?

How did you know that?

A guess based
on the concretion
l just pulled out,

and l have been wondering

why you've been wearing
long-sleeved shirts in July.

Well, my body
lost the weight

but forgot to lose
the excess skin.

And l'm guessing you didn't
follow the strict diet

that goes along
with that surgery.

l was, but then all this
stuff happened with Donald,

and l just...
l got so worried that...

l kinda went off
my diet.

Which led to
the acid reflux,

which narrowed
your esophagus

and didn't allow
much to get down.

Can a gastric bypass
cause memory loss?

Yeah, you mentioned
Faith had
memory issues once?

Did that happen again?

Yeah.
And again.
And again.

Yeah.
Well, see,

if the body doesn't
absorb enough vitamin B1,

you can suffer
short-term memory loss.

lt's called
Korsakoff syndrome.

Korsakoff syndrome.

Please tell me that
that sounds worse
than it is.

lt's very treatable
when caught early

and if you stick
to your diet.

[BOTH SlGHlNG]

Please keep
this between us.

l'll go tell them
you're okay.

[HUMMlNG SHRlLLY]

Hey, Eddie van McEnroe,

could you please take
off the headband?

l didn't even know this,
but by stringing
your racket right,

it completely changes
your game.

You need to
have game first.

All right, look,
no more headbands,
no more rackets,

no more tennis.

What?
l signed two whales
on a golf course.

l can't even play golf.

Can you imagine
the possibilities of this?

The possibility...
Boris and l
had a thing.

Okay. A thing.
What kind of a thing?

l kinda snapped at him.

All right, so...
He's our golden goose,
okay?

You can't snap
at the goose.

You gotta
be nice to the goose.
You gotta pet the goose.

Just pet...
Stop saying pet.

And you can't
piss off the goose,

'cause the goose
could get mad.

Do you know
how easy it would be

for him to kick us out of
the lake or the swamp,

wherever geese live?
As easy as it was

for Eddie to sign
for Boris's packages?

Okay. So this isn't
about Boris at all.

This is about Dad.

Look, Eddie shows up,
and so does trouble.

No, no, no, no.
Eddie shows up,
and suddenly you're weird.

Suddenly,
you're the Un-Hank.

The Un-Hank?

Yeah.
You're Moody Hank.

You're... You're...
You're Hank Light.

You're too much of the Henry,
not enough of the Hank.

Okay, first of all,
l'm not a diet cola.

And if l have been
acting differently,

which l'm not
saying l have,

it's just because
it's what he does to me.

Then why don't you
just deal with it?

He's not Satan.
Talk to him!
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]

Hold on.

Yeah?

Jill, what's up?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
l'll be right there.

Watch out.

He didn't want me
to call you,

but he was having
trouble breathing.

l'm okay. l'm fine.
lt's nothing.

What were you doing?
Carrying those boxes.

Yeah, Donny's donating
a bunch of his stuff

for the hospital
to auction off for
the children's ward.

And he got pale
and sweaty.

You try carrying around
485 pounds in July.

When l cleaned
your forehead on the road,

l didn't see this
white in your beard.

Your skin looks very dry.

Those are signs
that your copper level
is dangerously low.

Why is it so low?

Wait. Those are...

Trash teeth.

Dentures.

Faith, can you grab
Donald's denture cream?

Lost my teeth
doing security.

Some idiot tried to take
a swing at Schwarzenegger.

l intercepted his fist
with my mouth.

Thank you.

How much of this stuff
do you go through per month,

like how many tubes?

lf l'm sh**ting
or promoting
one of the movies,

tube a day.

More if you have
a lot of scenes.

Yeah.
This adhesive has
high levels of zinc.

Your body's
been absorbing it,
too much of it,

which is what l think
has been causing

your lack of balance,
your muscle weakness,

and your numbness.

But what about
the white
in his beard?

Zinc toxicity causes
low levels of copper.

l mean,
l never would have
thought to ask

a guy your age
about dentures,

but you can't use
this adhesive anymore.

Okay. Good.
You can keep your teeth.

You just need to use
better-fitting dentures

and adhesive cream
without zinc.

Fine.

Then you'll be back
to trashing those
bad guys in no time.

[CHUCKLES]

Garbage Collector's
a good guy, right?

Okay.

Now you're just
embarrassing yourself.

Hi. We really can't
thank you guys enough,

even though, as far as
dysfunctional siblings go,

you give us a run
for our money.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Anytime you guys wanna
drop by the set,
just let me know.

With the landfill?
Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's like
a dream come true.

Yeah. Or a nightmare,
in the best possible way.

Yeah, we'll call Faith.

Actually,
l'm in the market
for a new Faith.

Really? Have you
considered Judaism?

'Cause we could use
someone your size.

l'll tell you what.
We could.

Donald and l talked,
and we decided
it would be best

to dissolve our
professional relationship

and keep it
strictly siblings.

Apparently, it's better
for both of us.

You taking that
environmental law job?

Yeah.
She is.

Evan. Come here.

FAlTH: Mmm.

Okay.

Little closer.

Little closer.

Uh... Whoa, whoa.

Thank you for being
a gentleman.

Hank.

Thanks for helping
Faith and me.

Oh, my pleasure,
Donald.

Call me Donny.

Really?

All right, Donny.

Okay, we gotta run.
Okay.

HANK: See you guys. Bye.

[EXHALES]

Hey.

[GRUNTS]

l... Yeah.
lt's okay.
He's a big guy.

He's a big guy.
He is a big guy.

l love you.
You've gained
a little weight.

Wow. Henry,
you look fantastic.

Thanks for meeting me.

Are you kidding?

[CHUCKLES]
lt is my pleasure.

How 'bout this?
Best table in the house, huh?

lt's a great table.

l was so thrilled
when l got your message.

So l wanted us to talk.

l'll assume you came
here to the Hamptons

back into our lives
with the best intentions.

But l think
you should leave now.

Sorry?

You should go.

That's not
what Evan wants.

lt's what l want.
For both of us.

Yeah, but you're not
the father, l am.

[LAUGHS]

Excuse me.

Hank.

When you were little,
these hands

changed your diapers.

When you couldn't sleep,
these arms rocked you

until you went back down.

l am the same man
who got up every weekend,

rain or shine,
at the crack of dawn,

to take you to
your soccer games.

And you know what?
That was my favorite
part of the week.

We would talk,

tell stories.

Do you remember?

We tried to see who
could make each other
laugh hardest?

We were best friends.

Look in my eyes.

Please.
lt's still me.

Look. lt's still me.

Just out of curiosity,

those feet,

are they the same ones
that walked out on us?

You listen to me,
Dr. Smartass,

and you listen good.

l came here with my tail
between my legs,

but apology time is over.

You don't tell me
where to live.

You don't tell me
who to talk to.

Oh, and by the way,

who the hell are you
to talk to my girlfriend

behind my back?
To warn her about me?

And just for the record,

l'm not going anywhere.

l might have lost one son,

but l sure as hell am not
gonna lose another one.

It's time to take
out the trash!

[ROARS]

MAN ON TV: Ahhh!
[THUDDlNG]

Yeah, take that,
tattoo guy!

Oh! Oh! l mean, awesome!

That was so superior
to Garbage Collector III.

Every time l...
[STAMMERS]
l'm speechless.

Maybe because
you've been talking
to the screen

for the last 90 minutes.

Yeah. Or yelling at it.

What about you?

Well, you know,
l gotta admit,
it was good, you know?

lt was repulsive
yet riveting.

Oh, yeah.
lt's the Citizen Kane

of environmentally-
correct slasher films
is what l like to say.

Um, so should l give
Boris the Garbage
Collector figurine,

or should l give him
the Garbage Truck?

What?
Well, you know,

l'm sure
he already
owns both.

And Boris is fine.
Don't worry.

Where you going?
For a run.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Well, you can't run away
from your problems, Hank.

No, Evan, but you can't
fault him for trying.

[TlRES SCREECH]

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

l'm sorry for sneaking up
on you like that.

And given your
taste for speed,

maybe a jet would be
a more appropriate
mode of transportation?

l am so sorry.
That's fine.

l hate being late.
l've got a meeting

with Mr. Kuester
von Jurgens-Ratenicz.

Ooh, ''A'' for pronunciation.

They don't give
A-pluses here?

Well, it's
a tough castle.

Oh.

So listen, you can park
there or there or there.

Okay, okay, yeah.
l think l got it.

You got it?
Uh-huh.

Okay.

Try to keep it
to under 55, huh?

Will do.

Well, you come very
highly recommended.

Very impressive.
Top of your class.

ln every class.

[LAUGHS] Yes. l'm a bit
of a perfectionist.

lt's a blessing
and a curse.

So do you have
any other questions?

l think not.

lf you wouldn't mind
just reviewing and signing

the nondisclosure
agreement.

Absolutely.

You don't care
to read it.

l'll be discreet

not because of
a piece of paper
l've signed

but because
it's good business.

Very good.

l have a feeling
you're going to make