01x04 - I Can't Make You Love Hannah if You Don't

[bunniefuu]

You sure like nachos. Problem
is, they're not-cho' nachos.

She can't hear you.

She's chowing down on the
"all you can eat" love buffet.

It's true. When she's like this,
she's doesn't know what she's doing.

I'll show you.

-Miley!
-What?

Just go ask Josh out.

I can't. I'm from Tennessee. We don't do that.

Well, you're in California now and we do do that.

-What?
-You said "do-do."

Grow up!

You're the one that can't ask a guy out.

He's not just a guy. He's a ninth grader.

I can't just put eighth grade moves on him.

Good point.

And besides, he probably
doesn't even know you're alive.

You're like some dried up
insect on the windshield of his life.

Not even in the center,

you're way off to the side
where the wipers don't reach.

[IMITATING WINDSHIELD WIPER SOUNDS]

-Lilly.
-What?

This is officially the worst pep talk ever.

All right, you want a pep talk?

You're Hannah "Teen Pop Sensation" Montana.

You're gonna be out in front of
thousands of people Saturday night.

-Just pretend he's one of them.
-You're right. That's all he is.

One guy. I can do this.

I'll just channel Hannah.

Hello, Josh Woods! You ready to rock tonight?!

What?

Thank you!

Good night, everybody!

[♫]

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're
famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's
the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

[♫]

Then I ate a napkin and then
Jackson was all, "You said do-do,"

and then Lilly was all, "Bug on a windshield,"

and then I was all, "Good night, everybody!"

And that's why we have to move.

Sorry, darling.

[Phone ringing-♪]

-What?
-Nothing.

Hello.

Hold on. Mile, it's for you.

I can't talk to anyone right now.
Could you just make something up?

Sorry, Josh; She's in the bathroom.

-Could be a while.
-No!

Hold on, sounds like she's finishing up.

Give me that phone.

Hi, this is Miley.

"It could be a while."

You, sir, do not know how good you are.

Well, next time I'm letting
the machine pick it up.

You realize how much easier life was

when she believed boys still had cooties?

I can't believe it! I'm going
out with a ninth grader!

-[whooping]
-Wohh!!

Well, don't believe it,
'cause I'm not letting you go!

-[whooping]
-Wohh!

-But, Daddy...
-But nothing. He's a year older.

In teenage boy years that adds up to,

let's see, carry the one,

equals, ain't gonna happen.

This is so unfair.

Sad face.

Not-buying-it face.

Come on, Dad; It wasn't that
long ago that I was a ninth grader.

And if he's anything like I was,

you need to meet that boy.

He's coming up from the walk. He is so cute.

But we've gotta be calm. Just be calm.

Honey, if I was any calmer I'd be dead.

Hey, Dad, big favor, don't
try to be funny with Josh.

'Cause you ain't funny.

I don't know, I crack myself up all the time.

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

Pork chop! Ha!

Daddy, please, I'm begging you, don't talk.

I'm just gonna sit on the couch and look casual,

like I live here all the time.

Good thinking.

Hey, Miley;

Whoa, you look hot.

Well, hi. I'm the hot chick's
father. How do I look?

Very handsome, sir.

Nice try.

Now take your foot out of your mouth,

come on in here, and let's start over.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. I'm Josh, sir.

Well, you met, you bonded, enough said, bye-bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast.

Why not fast? Fast is good.

Fast food, fast lane, fast forward; Bye-bye!

Wow; Cool guitars.

Oh, you like guitars, do you?

Oh, yeah. And these are pretty good ones.

Not as good as a Deifenbacher, but you know that.

No, I don't know that.

There goes the other foot.

Look, sir, I'm not saying it
wasn't a good guitar in its day.

In its day?

Ooh, sounds like you've
been a musician for a long time.

Like 30 years. Oh, wait, that's me!

Well, isn't that interesting?

You have your opinion and he has his.

You gotta love a guy who
isn't afraid to say how he feels.

I'm a little afraid to say anything right now.

No, you're not. If everybody
says that they like hamburgers,

he's not afraid to say that
he likes hotdogs, right?

Okay.

And some people like skiing and he's not afraid

to say that he likes snowboarding.

Yeah.

And some people like Hannah Montana
and I'm not afraid to say she stinks.

Absolu_

What?

Son of a g*n;

That boy's got three feet.

'Hello! I am the Jackson-ator'.

'These will not be back'.

[IMITATING OZZY OSBOURNE] Whoa, rock and roll!

Sharon!

-Are you always this funny?
-Well, it depends.

-Do you like funny?
-Oh, I love funny.

Well, then I am hysterical.

Did you hear the one about
the pig who knows karate?

-Pork chop? Ha!
-Ha!

Can you spell "destiny"?

I'm Jackson. I haven't seen you around here.

I'm Olivia. I go to school back east.

I'm here on break looking
for something fun to do.

Well, look no further. Mr. Fun
gets off in about ten minutes.

Sounds great. I'll just go pack up my stuff.

All right!

Yes! I'm awake!

[Exclaims in pain]

Hey, my brother from another
mother. What's cracking?

Coop, I just hooked up with the
most amazing girl who's totally into me,

and I didn't even have to
tell her that I owned a Ferrari,

or have six months to live
or any of the usual stuff.

That's my dawg. Putting it down for the ladies.

You should've seen me.

And tonight, she's gonna find out
that even my moves have moves.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[whooping]

-[STAMMERING]
-Don't do that in public.

Oh, hey, check it out, there she is.

-Whoa.
-You bet, "Whoa!"

No, no, no. I mean, whoa,
that's my little sister; Fool!

Whoa; I meant, whoa, I didn't know.

-Olivia.
-Yes, big brother?

Get over here. Did you
agree to go out with this guy?

Is that what he said?

Shame on you. What kind
of girl do you think I am?

-But I thought_
-Oh, I know what you thought.

And you better stop thinking
it about my little sister.

Mmm-hmm.

'Cause when my big brother tells
me to stay away from somebody,

-I stay away!
-Mmm-hmm.

[IMITATING OZZY OSBOURNE]
Sharon!

I'm so confused!

This is so frustrating.

I spent all day yesterday trying to
make Josh like Hannah Montana.

-How'd it go?
-It went really well.

He loves Hannah Montana
now and we're getting married.

How do you think it went, you donut?

I'm gonna go with not so well.

'Ding, ding, ding ♪ - ♪ - ♪'

-We have a winner!
-Lilly; I'm serious.

How am I gonna go out with a
guy who doesn't like half of me?

He doesn't know he doesn't like half of you.

So just let him think the half
of you he likes is all of you.

As long as the other half keeps her mouth shut,

the three of you should make a beautiful couple.

I never get chick math.

She's right. Why should I have to give Josh up?

Yeah. And it's not like he's
ever gonna be in the same place

with you and Hannah.

Hey, Miley.

You know what you said about Hannah Montana?

I decided to give her a chance.

Really? That's great!

Yeah, so tonight I'm taking you
to a Hannah Montana concert!

Really?

That's...

even greater.

Thank you.

[Mouthing]

And she thought it didn't go
well. Who's the donut now?

Still you.

[CHANTING] Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!

This is what an actual Hannah
Montana concert looks like.

You mean, you've never been to one?

Well, I've tried,

but somehow I've always been
busy doing something... else.

Well, tonight, this is all you have to do.

You know, I was really
nervous when you first asked me,

but I'm just totally glad I said yes.

Me, too.

I just hope she's not one of those
divas who keeps everyone waiting.

-I totally hate that.
-Me, too.

I'm gonna go get a soft pretzel.

You're on.

Oh, my gosh, it's Josh. What a coincidence.

So, what do you think of Hannah Montana so far?

She hasn't come on yet.

Right, I'm supposed to ask you that later.

-You seen Hannah?
-Not since sound check.

She's on in one minute. Where is that girl?

Did you just come out of that dressing room?

Yeah.

I was just in there and you
weren't there -Yeah, I was.

You're losing it, Daddy.

-You think I'm losing it, Fred?
-It's Jimmy.

Call the cows home,
Robbie Ray, you are losing it.

[Audience cheering]

Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Hope nobody thinks I'm a diva!

That's right, sausage, pepperoni,
and what the heck, onions.

I'm not kissing anybody tonight.

No, I am not ugly.

"I'm a 6'4" beach god.

[Knocking on door]

Jackson, it's me, Olivia. ♪-Open up-♪.

Olivia?

Hey.

Olivia's here and it's time to
get your Saturday night on!

I don't understand.

You were totally different today with Cooper.

Well, that was Saturday afternoon.

The moon has come up and I am coming out!

I heard there's gonna be a party over here.

Well, who said that?

Me. Just now. Come on, boy, keep up.

Popcorn, oh, with the movie theater butter.

Yeah, Cooper's not gonna
be very happy that you're here.

I know. That's why I didn't tell him.

Now, let's get you on the
phone and let's people this party.

Wait, what happened to all that,

"When my big brother says
to stay away, I stay away"?

"Mmm-hmm".

Cooper thinks I'm a sweet little
girl who needs to be protected.

And what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jackson! It's Coop.

Yeah, well it might hurt me. You gotta go!

No way. This is my last night in town

and I'm not gonna let it be
spoiled by Cooper the party pooper.

I'll hide, you get rid of him.

Well, I don't know, I've
never lied to him before.

Please?

For me?

Well; There's a first time for everything.

-You wait out there.
-Okay.

Come on in, Coop.

Just getting my Saturday night on, you know.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING-♫]

Get it off before you hurt yourself.

[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

That's a good idea. That's some great advice.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Give me a call when you make it
home so I know that you're safe.

Look, look, look.

I know I came down hard on you yesterday

and I just wanna make sure we're cool.

We're totally cool.

Now drive safe; We'll see you tomorrow.

Slow down; I rented a few
DVDs, thought we could chill.

[MICROWAVE BEEPING] ♪
-♪- ♪

Ooh! Popcorn with the movie theater butter.

You knew I was coming all along.

Believe me, I had no idea.

♪ I'm just like anybody else, can't you tell ♪

♪ I hold the key, the key ♪

♪ To both realities ♪

♪ The key! ♪

♪ The girl that I want you to ♪
♪ know If only I could show ♪

♪ The other side, the other
side I want you to see ♪

♪ Yeah! Yeah! ♪

♪ The other side, the other ♪
♪ side The other side of me ♪

♪ The other side, the other
side I want you to see ♪

♪ The other side, the other side of me ♪

And now, give it up for the fabulous
fingers of Jesse J, lead guitar!

[ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING-♫]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going?

Nervous stomach. Could be a while.

Thank you.

[♫-ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING CONTINUES]

This is the longest guitar solo ever.

I know. He rocks! Sit down!

You wouldn't believe the
line for the soft pretzels.

So, how about that first song?

-Pretty awesome, huh?
-It was okay.

Okay?

Not even 'really okay'?

-I guess I'm into hip-hop.
-Hip-hop?

Yeah, does she ever do any of that?

I have a feeling she will tonight.

Is that pretzel making you thirsty?

Do you need to go get a soda?

You know what? I do.

Wait, here; You can have some of mine.

I'm sorry. My bad.

I'm having so much fun with you, Josh. Bye.

[BEATBOXING] ♫ [RAPPING]

♪ I bet you didn't know ♪
♪ that this girl could really go ♪

♪ and I'm gonna give you mo' ♪
♪ 'cause you spent a lot of dough ♪

♪ coming to my show! ♪

♪ Do-de-do-de-do-de-do ♪

♪ Word! ♪

Do-de-do-de-do-de-do?

Don't look at me, I didn't write that.

♪ Hey! Ho! ♪

♪ Say hey! Ho! ♪

-Hey! Ho!
-Say hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho!

[Mouthing]

[Coughing]

Man, I think I'm coming down with something.

-Well, keep it off of me.
-I'll try.

[Coughing]

Better?

I'm getting out of here
before you cough up an alien.

That's a good idea. Wow!

Better safe than sorry.

-And listen, about my sister_
-Hey. Not another word,

please.

I know I'm a little overprotective,
but I just care about her a lot.

And I appreciate you backing off.

You're a good friend.

Yeah; A real good friend.

I thought he'd never
leave. It's freezing out there.

But nothing a good party can't warm up. Hey!

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[Laughing]

Hey, yeah, okay, hold on. Hold on.

[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

Didn't you hear your brother? I'm a good friend.

And good friends do not
party with their friends' sisters,

no matter how much they want to.

Wow, you really are a nice guy. My luck.

And you really gotta go.

My luck. Come on.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

-Nice meeting you.
-You, too.

Hey, I forgot my_ Dang!

I just came over to say
goodbye and he was all over me.

You are in trouble.

Well, that is so not what happened!

-Olivia, wait in the car.
-Yes, big brother. Shame on you!

Oh! [Scoffs]

Man, she's not telling you
the truth. She came over here.

-She was all over me! I swear, Coop.
-Save it.

I can't believe you're trying to blame
my sweet, innocent sister for this.

Well, I'm telling you; She's
not sweet and innocent.

Okay; You know what? That's enough.

If there's one thing I know about my sister,

it's that she would never be
all over any guy she just met.

Pizza's here.

He was all over me?

Olivia, get in the car.

You and I are gonna have a little talk.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Mmm-hmm.

She already gave you your
tip, big boy. Mwah, mwah, mwah!

[Sighs] Ahh!

Where've you been? You're
missing the whole concert.

That drink line went on forever.

No, it didn't. There were,
like, three people in it.

Then you wouldn't mind going to get another one.

Oh, man!

So, what do you think of Hannah Montana now?

I'm still not feeling it.

What do you want her to do, surf the crowd?

Yeah. That'd be cool.

Surf the crowd.

Well, then I guess I gotta
go get another pretzel!

Having fun crowd surfing.

Please don't drop me! Please don't drop...!

-Where'd he go?
-He left.

-What?
-I'm sorry.

He said it was the worst
date of his life? Really?

I'm sorry.

Did he say anything else?

He also said Hannah Montana stinks, but...

we decided to leave that out.

I mean, why hurt you any
more than you already are?

Leave! Now!

-The rap was interesting_ -Go!

I cannot believe I just blew it.

-You didn't blow it.
-Yes, I did.

I couldn't be happy with
a cute guy liking just me.

I tried to make him like Hannah, too,

and now he hates both of us.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, that's his loss.

But I'm butting in.

I'm sure Lilly was just
getting ready to say that.

Yeah.

What was I gonna say next?

That someday she'll find a guy
that likes everything about her.

Won't be anything left to change.

Thanks, Lilly.

You always know what to say.

Sometimes it just comes to me.

Well, come on, girls, it's time to go.

[RAPPING] ♪ 'Cause it's the end of
the show and we're walking to the do' ♪

♪ And we're heading for
the big black stretch limo ♪

-Dad, remember; You ain't funny.
-And you can't rap.

[RAPPING] ♪ Do-de-do-de-do-de-do ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's
the best of both worlds ♪

♪ The best of both worlds ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Everybody wants to be a star.

-Next!
-Next!

♪ 'Cause you know you've ♪
♪ got the best of both worlds ♪