01x03 - She's a Supersneak

[bunniefuu]

Look at the size of this bad boy.

He put up quite a battle, too.

It was him, then it was me,

then it was him, then it was me.

Dad, you got him at the fish mart.

Yeah, but you should've seen the size of the lady

that tried to take him from me.

It was her, then it was me, then it was...

All right, all right, Dad; I get it.

So what's it gonna be,
Bucky, pan fried or barbecued?

Dad, remember what we said about naming the fish?

What?

It makes them a little harder to eat.

Dad; I know I have mid-terms Monday,

but the new Ashton Kutcher
movie is previewing tonight.

How many "prettys" do I have to put
before "please" for you to let me go?

-Well...
-Pretty, pretty,

pretty,

pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty

please, Dad, please.

-Whoa!
-I can go?

No; You can stop.

You know you gotta study.

Yes, Dad, but if you think about it,

mid-terms are halfway to finals,

so I only need to study about as half as hard.

And since I study twice
as hard as everybody else,

I only need to study a quarter. So I'm done.

See how that works?

No; And you know what? I'm the dad.

And you lose. See how that works?

You see, little sister, Dad, as a single parent,

is just trying to make sure that
you have the proper guidance.

And I, for one, commend him
on his commitment to education.

Son, I'm glad you see it that way.

Because I'm committing you to staying home

and studying this weekend, too.

Ha, ha.

-But my mid-terms were last week!
-Yeah, no kidding.

I had to wrap the fish in something. See?

Minus.

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

I know, Dad, but what I'm saying is,

Who really needs history?

It's so yesterday. And I'm about the future!

Yeah, and so am I.

And right now I see you
at 35, living with me, no job,

still stealing my change off the counter.

[WHISTLES-♪]

This is a book.

Go forth and learn.

Remember my "ha, ha" from before?

I now add one more "ha,"

making it a full, "ha, ha," wait for it, "ha"

-Anybody seen my PDA?
-Here.

Thanks.

Now, Dad;

I know you already said no,

but I've been studying a lot since then.

I sneezed a while ago and algebra came out.

Well, next time, sneeze a
little smart on your brother.

He could use all the help he can get.

I'm heading out for my meeting.
I should be back around 11:00.

I'll be on my cell if anybody needs me, so...

try not to need me.

I don't know.

You guys think I'm being too tough on ya?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Good. Then that means I'm doing my job right.

Study hard now.

♪ Pumpin' up the party now ♪

♪ Hey, get up, get loud ♪

♪ Pumpin' up the party now ♪

♪ Hey, get up, get loud ♪

♪ Pumpin' up the party now ♪

♫

♪ Hey, get up, get loud ♪

♪ Pumpin' up the party now ♪

♪ Hey, get up, get loud ♪

♪ Pumpin' up the party now ♪

-Wow. Eight minutes already.

-Yup.Time to turn in.

Good thing I'm not an outtie.

[Laughing]

[DOORBELL RINGS-♪]

-Cover him up, we've got company.
-'She don't like me'.

So what's the deal? Your dad say yes or no?

Yeah, let's get those feet moving!

My mom's in the car grooving to the oldies,

and it's getting uglier by the decade.

-Lilly, my dad said no_
-Eh

You think he said 'no', he really said 'go'.

'No', 'go'; It's a mistake
anybody could make. Come on.

I just can't go!

I heard Ashton Kutcher's gonna be there.

Okay, now you're just being cruel.

But that's good. It's working, keep going.

"Do it",

"Do it. Ashton, doooo it".

Oh... Just one more time.

-"Do it".
-Okay.

Okay, now all we gotta do is sneak
you out without Jackson knowing.

-Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
-He'll never notice.

He's got a friend over.

[whispering]

Gotcha.

-I didn't hear. Got what?
-Milk.

I'll tell you in the car.
Come on. Well, gotta go.

Straight home to drink some milk.

-How am I doing?
-Shut up.

Well, I'm just gonna go upstairs and study.

Well, I'm just gonna stay down here and not care.

[Cell phone ringing-♪]

Oh, yeah, big dawg.

[BARKING]

What's up, Cooper?

Hey, check this out,
J-Man, I just found out that...

Wait, hold on a sec.

Theater three? I'm guessing
it's very close to theater two.

Can't you see I'm on the phone?

I swear people get dumber and dumber every day.

Hello! You're costing me minutes here!

You gotta get down here.

And I'm telling you this on the DL, see...

Keep the walker moving, lady.
If you were supposed to hear,

it'd be on the speakerphone.

There is a very hot rumor that

Mr. Ashton Kutcher is dropping by here tonight.

And I should care about this because?

Because this place is gonna
be crawling with fine ladies

trying to get next to Ashton.

And when they can't find him,

-they'll settle for us! Oh, yes!
-They'll settle for us! Oh, yes!

Don't you feel me on this?

I don't know, Coop.

I mean, if I split, Miley's
just gonna tell my dad.

Of course,

she is in her room for the rest of the night.

And she's such a
goody-goody, little Miss Perfect,

[Oliver:] always kissing up to Dad.

Just once in her life you'd think
she'd go out on a limb or something.

But will she? Mmm-mmm.

Because she is gutless. You know what?

She won't even know that I'm gone.

I just talked me into it!

Cooper, you are a genius.

It's like cheerleader tryouts.

Right. Except we don't have to
wear those itchy man-sweaters

or do the splits.

You know, I still can't ride a bike.

Oh... The things we do for love.

-Oh, yeah!
-Oh, yeah!

Now, how to proceed is the question.

Watch and learn.

Hey, Ashton! Mr. Kutcher! My man!

The Kutchinator! Kutchy kutchy you!

What's that, my close personal friend?

Come to your party tonight?

Sure. I'll just find myself a little hottie,

and we will party like it's...
[CELL RINGING-♪]

Hello? Hey, Barry. Can I
maybe give you a call back?

Ladies!

Very smooth.

You know, I was watching and
learning, and what I learned was

that I should not have watched.

All right, have a little patience, my man.

It's just a minor set-back.

Prepare to be impressed.

So, Mr. Kutcher!

The Kutchking! Volcanic Ash!

[BOTH SCREAM] -Ahh!
-Ahh!

At this rate, I've got a better
chance with the lady with the walker.

I bet she hasn't passed theater five yet.

-What are you doing here?
-Me? What about you?

-I'm telling Dad!
-I'm telling Dad!

-No, you're not!
-No, you're not!

Because we're not really here right now.

Right;

But Dad is.

Uh-oh!

[LILLY EXCLAIMS]

What can I say, Dad?

She snuck out, I followed her here,
I'm just as disappointed as you are.

-What are you doing?
-What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm getting ready to sell you out.

Listen, buster, if I go down,
I'm taking you with me!

What's he doing here? He said he had a meeting.

All right, just calm down.

All we have to do is wait till he goes
in. He'll never know you were here.

Lilly? Miley?

[SHUSHING]

-Miley's dad's here.
-Great.

He doesn't know we're here.

And we're gonna try to keep it that way.

I don't think we're off to a good start.

We have gotta get out of here.

Wait, my bag.

[Cell phone ringing-♪]

-Don't answer it. Keep moving.
-I have to answer it.

He thinks we're at home.

-Hey, Dad! We're home!
-Studying at home.

-Where we are, home...
-Sweet home!

-Home!
-Home!

Yeah, I just called to check in on you guys

and let you know that
whatever it is that you're doing

that you don't want me to know you're doing,

Stop doing it.

Study hard now. Bye.

I hate lying to him.

You're on your hands and
knees in a movie theater!

The honesty ship has sailed!

I just can't figure out one thing.

Why are we hiding?

Oliver, you naive, simple boy,

with a very good point! Best of luck.

Perfect. Can this night get any worse?

Depends on how you feel about that.

[INAUDIBLE]

-I don't believe it.
-I know.

The old man can get a date and I can't?

Why would Dad do this?

Why did he go on a date and not tell us?

I don't know.

Please stop stuffing your face.

I'm eating away the pain.

Doesn't this bother you?

Miley;

It's been three years. He's probably lonely.

Well, then we'll get him a puppy!

[CAR DOOR CLOSING]
I hear him!

Look, just remember that whatever happens

he can't know we were
there. So just play it cool.

I will, I will. He won't suspect a thing.

Where have you been? We
agreed home by 11:00. And it's...

-11:03.
-Exactly! Three minutes of pure agony!

Yes, but the important thing is

that while you were out, we weren't.

Right. And you were at a meeting.

How did that go?

Fine.

Fine? One syllable?

That's all I get?

Okay, it was... really fine.

Three syllables. Keep the change.

Daddy, you're always talking
about how we don't share enough,

and you're right.

We should, starting now.

You go first.

Okay. It was a very productive
meeting, and who knows,

in time it could amount
to a little som'n-som'n...

Like what-what?

I don't know.

You know how if you talk about
things too early it might jinx it.

But don't worry;

If it keeps going the way it's going,

I'll tell you all about it.

-Love you guys. Good night.
-Good night, Dad.

Love you, too.

[ROBBIE WHISTLING-♪]

Well, great. This is terrible. He's happy!

I just wish I knew something about this woman.

What does she do for a living?

Does she have any kids? Any dogs?

A sound-proof basement where
no one can hear our scream?

I don't even know her name.

-Margo Diamond.
-What?

"Movie Saturday night. Margo Diamond"

Hey, isn't she that real estate lady, you know,

the one on the bus bench in front of the library?

Your dad's dating a homeless real estate lady?

Wow, that's weird.

She sells houses, but she doesn't have one.

I meant the ad on the bench, Miss Einstein.

This is perfect. Now you can go
meet her. Jackson can drive you.

[SCOFFS] Let me paint
you guys a little picture here.

"Hi, I'm Miley Stewart"

[Giggling]

"And I'm her brother Jackson"

"And we snuck out to the movies last night"

"and saw that you were
on a date with our father"

"Now why are we telling you this?"

"Out of some insane desire to wanna get caught"

"and be grounded for the
rest of our natural lives!"

Okay, how come you always get to be the apple?

Wait a minute; 'Bellybutton boy' makes sense.

Okay, maybe you are right.

Maybe we can't go down there and talk to her.

But I know somebody who can.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever done for you.

This is the only thing you've ever done for me.

And don't pretend you're
not the least bit interested

in our future possible step-mom.

Well, of course I am.

You're not the only one who cares about Dad.

I want him to be happy, too.

And if she happens to have a hot daughter

who likes to invite her
friends over for pillow fights,

well, everybody wins!

Hello! Back to Earth, Captain Hormone.

All right, let's do this.

[Hannah:] Just remember you're my chauffeur.

Hi. I'm Hannah Montana,
and I'm looking for a house.

[Laughing] That is the
stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Lady, you're not gonna sell
many houses with that attitude.

We'll talk later. Sorry. Telephone.

Hi! What a thrill to meet you.

My niece is a big fan of yours.

Really? Well, how old is
she? What does she look like,

and do you happen to have a picture of her?

Not why we're here.

But if we are going to be in business together,

I need to know a little bit about you first.

For example, who's this? Your husband?

-Does he know you're dating?
-Wait a minute. That's my brother.

A likely story. Who keeps a
picture of their brother on their desk?

He gave me a kidney.

So you're scarred.

You know, that's getting a little
personal. Can we just stick to houses?

Certainly. What's yours
like? Any kids running around?

Daughters who like pillow fights?

You know,

Maybe I am not the right
person to be selling you a house.

Let me put you in touch with
Habib, Prince of the West Side.

-You're gonna love him_
-Hey, I'm not finished yet.

On second thought, yes, I am.

Ms. Diamond, excuse me and my chauffeur.

We have to confer in private.

And I must insist that you let
no one know that I was here!

Absolutely.

I'm trying to forget about it myself.

"I don't know what to say, Dad"

"It was her idea. I tried to stop her"

"I'm just as disappointed as you are"

I am amazed that you can stand without a spine.

Hi; I brought you these.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

I think we can spend a
little more money than that!

I don't think that's hardly fair, I
mean, there was the movie last night,

popcorn, you wanted the big drink.

No, no! I'm on the phone.
They're lovely. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, Habib, let me call you back.

Jackson, you're on my foot!

I can't move. I've got a "For Sale"

sign in 'my backyard'.

-I had a nice time last night.
-So did I.

Man, he really likes her.

You know, Miley, she does seem pretty nice.

I don't care how nice she is. She
ain't ever getting any of my kidneys!

I would love to go out for coffee.

Let me just get someone to cover for me.

You're not gonna believe this,

but I have got Hannah
Montana hiding in my closet.

Huh?

Yeah; She's what we call
a half bath short of a condo.

I blame the parents.

Yeah, me too.

Let me get my coat.

All right;

Come on out.

Now.

[Exclaims] Oh!

Dad, what a relief.

You'd never believe how lost I was.

Would it help if I said I was happy for you?

How could you?

Whoa; Now hold up, little girl.

How'd you find out?

-Well, you didn't tell me.
-I can explain.

Okay; Explain this.

Why are you dating someone without telling me?

Explain how you could ever
think that there's someone out there

who could ever replace my mom.

That was awkward.

[GUITAR PLAYING-♫]

♪ [♫] I miss you ♪

♪ I miss your smile ♪

♪ And I still shed a tear every once in a while ♪

♪ And even though it's different now ♪

♪ You're still here somehow ♪

♪ My heart won't let you go ♪

♪ And I need you to know ♪

♪ I miss you ♪

♪ Sha, la, la, la ♪

♪ I miss you ♪

That's a beautiful song, honey.

I like coming out here at night.

It's a good place to try and figure things out.

Maybe we could figure things out together.

Why didn't you tell me?

I guess I was hoping to
tell you at just the right time

and just the right way, so you'd understand

and not end up out here on the deck all alone.

[Sighs]

I guess there was no right time, was there?

I just can't picture you
with anybody else but Mom.

Neither can I.

What she and I had was special.

I can't replace that.

Then why are you dating?

Because life goes on,

and we gotta try and figure
out some way to go on with it.

Don't you think your mom
would've wanted that for us?

Yeah;

I guess she would've.

She was pretty smart that way.

I really miss her, Daddy.

I miss her too, kiddo.

What's this rope ladder doing here?

Dad, let's not ruin the beautiful moment.

You're right.

I'll ruin it tomorrow.

[JACKSON LAUGHING]

'So what do you wanna do'?

'Oh, I don't know. What do you wanna do'?

'Can you believe that we don't
have dates on a Saturday night'?

'If only they knew what they were missing.'

Sorry I ever taught you that, Son.