04x11 - Checkin' Out

[bunniefuu]

Raven, terrible news.

I just lost my assistant.

Tiffany called in sick.

Tiffany? This Tiffany?

Yeah, she came down with
some type of horrible lip fungus.

Seriously, I mean,
how can she get sick

the same week I'm launching

my new line of boys' clothing?

Everything happens to me!

Ahem.

So, you need someone to, uh,

step in and help you, don't you?

Yes! I bet you do.

But who?

I mean, I'm planning this huge
photo sh**t in Boston, Raven,

and I need someone
who's... Organized.

I need someone who is tireless.

I need someone who's prepared
to jump through hoops for me.

Raven! Raven! Raven! Please!

Please! I'm trying to think.

Ok, well, you can
pick me while you think.

You can pick me. I'm here.

Oh, wait a minute.

Ok.

Raven, I have a fabulous idea.

How would you like to be
my assistant for the trip?

Oh.

My bad.

Let's go.

♪ If you could gaze
into the future ♪

♪ future, future ♪

♪ you might think life
would be a breeze ♪

♪ life is a breeze ♪

♪ seeing trouble
from a distance ♪

♪ yeah ♪ go, Rae!

♪ But it's not that easy ♪
♪ oh, no ♪

♪ I try to save the situation ♪

♪ then I end up misbehavin' ♪

♪ ohh, whoa, oh ♪

♪ hey, now, say now ♪

♪ 'bout to put it down, yeah ♪

♪ come on and
ride with rea now ♪

♪ and the future
looks great now ♪

♪ and everything's
gonna change now ♪

♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's the future I can see ♪

♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's so mysterious to me ♪

♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's the future I can see ♪

♪ that's so Raven ♪

♪ it's so mysterious
to me, yeah ♪

yep, that's me.

So, I need you to set
up the photo sh**t

at the tipton hotel.

Tipton. Right.

And this is the
most important thing.

Ok.

I got pistache to
agree to do the sh**t.

Pistache?

You mean the world-famous
fashion photographer?

Shut up!

She hasn't been seen in years.

Yeah, well, I had to beg her

to come out of seclusion.

I need the best in the world

for this campaign
to be a success.

Yes, you do, miss Donna,

and I am right by your side.

Mama, I got you.

Good. Now...

I need you to
put all the details

into this secretech.

Turkey neck? What did you say?

Raven, you do know
how to use a secretech,

don't you?

Yes, I do.

Good.

Because, you see,
this little device,

is going to be the nerve center

for our entire trip.

Now get started.

Thank you, miss Donna, yes.

And I am all over it.

Thank you for the opportunity.

This is great.

This is great.

How do you...
Turn this thing on?

Oh!

Hey, guys, thanks a lot for
helping me clean out the attic.

Ooh! This looks like fun.

How does it work?

Uh, Chelsea? Heh heh heh.

Let me show you.

I'm a pro.

Let me try! Let
me try! Let me try!

Oh, this is so frustrating!

I'm trying to do it like Mr. B.,

but the ball keeps
getting in the way.

Hey, Chels. Look at you go!

Yeah, she's a natural.

You guys! Stop teasing me!

It's not as easy as it looks.

No, you're doing
it right, Chels.

You're supposed to hit the ball.

Oh.

Well, in that case,
Mr. B., you stink.

That's 'cause I
broke it in for you.

Show off.

Hey, yo, Corey,

I wonder what the
world record is for this.

Who cares?

Well, sometimes they
give out prize money.

Money?

Money.

Move, man! This
just got serious!

Hey, you guys, how
do I stop this thing?

Actually, Chelsea,
you won't be stopping

for another 17 hours
and 22 minutes.

Ok.

Raven, I'm still waiting

for my secretech
teleconference with pistache.

Don't worry about
it, miss Donna.

I'm all over it. I got it.

I'm handling it.

Hello?

Bonjour.

Holy moley, I got her.

Is anybody there?

Actually, pistache, Donna
cabonna's coming in a second...

Hi!

Pistache! Oh,
it's such an honor.

Thank you so much for
agreeing to do the photo sh**t

for my new line
of boys' clothing.

I will sh**t these clothes

and make them très
beautiful on one condition.

Yes, of course. Anything.

I will require you
to fly in my models,

these 2 amazing-looking boys

I discovered in a
small mountain village.

Perfect. Raven will handle
all the arrangements.

Now, what are their names?

Jan and kvelte,

last name... Unpronounceable.

José and gefilte fish.

So how do I get
in touch with them?

Do they have a phone number?

They live in a small village

of buddhaprogoslovakia.

Booga-hooga what?

Don't worry, I will send you

all the information
to your secretech.

You make the arrangements.
I will see you in Boston.

Au revoir.

Au revoir! Au revoir!

Au revoir! Au revoir!

Au revoir! Au revoir!

I'll holla.

She's gone.

Raven, that was perfect.

You are the master
of the secretech.

Now, come on. Come help me pack.

Ok. Ok.

Let me just save my work,

'cause I am the
master of the secretech.

File error.

Did y'all say something?

Ok. All right, thank
you. Thank you.

You guys, I just
got off the phone

with the world record officials.

They're on their
way over right now.

Man, Chels, this
is gonna be so big.

You think so?

Absolutely.

They're even handing
out a $1,000 prize.

Well, I don't care about
the money, you guys.

I just always wanted
to hold a world record.

Yeah, but it's not
a done deal yet.

It seems there's
one other person

going for the same record.

Well, bring him on.

Yeah, that's the attitude.

There they are.

Gentlemen.

We're from the office
of world records.

Meet your competition.

Hello, my brother.

Stanley?

You're going down, big red.

Oh, please. It is go time.

Whoo-whoo!

Swanky!

Oh-ho-ho! Thank you.

We take pride in our swank.

Welcome to the tipton.

Do you have a reservation?

Actually, yes, I do.

Um, I secreteched it in.

Ah.

Um, the guest is Raven Baxter.

That's me.

Ah, yes. Raven Baxter.
I have it right here.

You do? You do?

It went through? Oh, yes.

Ok, ok, ok. Ready?

Next one. Next one.

Donna cabonna.
That's with a "c".

A "c". Ok.

Ah, yes. Right in here.

Oh! Checking in is so exciting!

Ok, next one. Pistache.

Pistache. This is like charades.

You give me
something, I go "ok."

Check it up.

Yes, just checked in.

Room 315.

Yeah! Ha ha! Excelente!

In our Milan hotel.

Milan?

Well, that's the
next door one, right?

Mmm. Italy.

No, no, no, no!

Ok, ok. Wait, wait, wait.

Ready? Mm-hmm.

Try... try Juan
and... Kvelte-fish.

Ah. That's... hmm.

Ok. The last name on that?

I... it's unpronounceable.

Ok. Oh, yes. They sent a fax.

Yeah. Yep, urgent.

Says they have not
received their tickets

and they are stuck in
buddhaprogoslovakia.

Aah!

Aw. Will there be anything else?

Yes. I need a bellhop.

Ah, sure. Wade! Front!

I ruined everything.

Everything!

Yeah, listen here,
secretech support,

I told my boss I knew how
to use your stupid machine,

and now her
photographer and models

are stuck halfway
around the world.

No, I don't have a question.

I just...

I just... I just need
someone to cry to.

I can't believe our favorite
actress is checking out today,

and moseby won't
even let us near her.

Tyler sparks.

All I wanted was one autograph.

I just wanted to smell her.

This is Tyler.

Yes, I read it. It's garbage.

Of course I'll do it.

Aah!

This is Tyler.

Yes, I read it. It's garbage.

You guys put your arms out!

Why? Just do it.

Of course I'll do it. Aah!

You saved me.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Ew.

Hey, how'd you know
she was gonna trip?

Don't y'all watch the news?

There's been, like, a rash
of falling stars this week.

It's scary.

Good to know.

I'm Cody, and this is Zack.

I'm Raven.

If there's anything
we can do for you,

we got your back.

Really? You do?

Hey, do you know how
to work a secretech?

Nobody does.

Oh, the tipton.

My favorite hotel.

Time to face the music.

Oh, miss Donna... Raven!

So here's the deal.
I need to talk to you.

Oh, not now. We're on camera.

This is Kendra Blair
with the trendy channel.

We're here at the tipton hotel

covering the return of the great
fashion photographer pistache.

Thanks to me.

Oh, Raven, have
our incredible models

arrived from
buddhaprogoslovakia?

Right, about them
pradaflagin boys...

Miss Donna, have
you ever seen them?

Of course not.

Then they're here.

And has pistache arrived?

I can't wait to meet her.

Yes, me, too.

No, see, pistache,
she's here upstairs,

and she said she's just
getting herself together,

picking out her clothes.

I'm gonna go.

Isn't she incredible?

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's from pis... Milan!

Oh, I mean, Milan is so
lovely this time of year.

Ha ha ha!

I gotta hand it to you, red.

You know how to
work that paddle.

Hey, you're not so
bad yourself, Stanley.

I guess we're both champions.

You know what?

Now that I think about it,

maybe we should
share the record.

Yeah, I guess we both earned it.

Corey!

They're talking about
sharing the money.

Not in my house.

Tell you what, when I
count to 3, we'll stop.

That sounds fair.

No! Chels, do not listen to him!

When you stop, he's
gonna keep going!

I resent that, my brother.

I give you my word.

Stanley, come on, man.

You've been scamming
me since the day I met you.

Corey, listen!

I believe that people
are basically good.

Now, Stanley gave me his word,

and I'm gonna believe him.

I appreciate that.

So we stop on 3?

On 3.



Ha!

Got ya, sucker!

Oh, Chelsea, that
was so beautiful!

The player got played!

Yeah, I did. I trusted you, red.

I guess the world is
just a cold, cruel place.

Enjoy the money.

Man, we will.

What have I done?

You just set the record.

But at what price?



Congratulations.

I just destroyed a young
man's faith in humanity.

And restored it in 2 others.

No. Guys, I can't do this.

Look, there's only one way
to wipe my conscience clean.

Stanley, I want you
to have all the money.

No!

Yes.

Now, listen. Stanley was
the only one who was honest.

I mean, he should
be rewarded for that.

Thank you, red.

I guess there is
good left in the world.

Gentlemen.

It's been real.

Man!

Ow!

Do you see what he just did?

He just scammed you.

I don't feel
scammed. I feel good.

I mean, I got the title,
Stanley got the money,

and we all got what we wanted.

We didn't get what we wanted!

No, but you got
what you deserved.

Nothing?

Exactly.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to set the
record behind my back.

Kendra Blair here,

awaiting the return of the
great fashion photographer

pistache.

Oh, here she comes now.

Bonjour!

Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello! Hello!

Frère Jacques.

All right!

Where does pistache
do the big show?

Shouldn't we wait for Donna?

No, we do not wait for Donna.

Pistache works very quickly.

I have to go back
into seclusion.

Oh, la-la-la-la!

You know what that sound means.

It's ze boys!

Thank you, Zack and Cody.

Actually, I'm Zack
and he's Cody.

Whatever. Listen. You
Juan and you kvelte.

Actually, he's
Juan, and I'm kvelte.

Ok, listen, I don't want
you to speak English.

Do not speak to this woman.

I better not hear
no peep out of you!

Oh, ze boys! Ze boys! Ze boys!

How does it feel
to be in america?

No! You may not
speak to the ze boys!

They do not speak the
same English as you.

The speak another form of
language you do not know.

Boys,sabate woodata zuzu.

Wicki-wa wicki-ficki-ficki-wa
chicka-chicka whoo-whoo!

Tiki-tiki wa.

Tiki-tiki wa-wa.

Oh, ha ha!

Ok, you guys. Time
for the big sh**t!

Ok, now, we work. We work.

You pose, we work. I
dance, you pose, we work.

We do it, we drop to the floor,

do the funk...

Shouldn't you be using a camera?

Let me tell you how pistache
does the genius with them.

You take all ze
pictures with your mind,

and then, and only then,

do you take out the camera.

Oh.

Where is ze camera?

Ooh, pistache sees a camera.

Be back in moment. Bye-bye.

Excuse me. Excuse
me. Can I get a camera?

Bonjour! Hello!

It is pistache.

So, you're pistache?

Oh, but of course.
Who else would I be?

Donna cabonna? Ha ha ha!

I make myself laugh, you see?

Where is Donna?

Who is Donna... oh, sacré bleu.

Well, hello! Jan and kvelte.

Kvelte. Und jan.

Oh, la la!

Pistache found ze camera!

Ok, boys, smiley smile.

Ooh, the pointing!
The pointing is so rude!

It's so rude! I love it!

So nasty!

Pistache, have you met pistache?

There is no other
pis... oh, snap!

Ok, there is a
perfect explanation...

Yes, there is,
and it's over there.

Raven, what are you doing?

I'm trying to save your butt,

and then save my butt.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to save my butt.

I don't care about your butt.

Why is pistache in Milan?

Oh, right. About that.

Um... I couldn't
work the secretech.

What? Why didn't you
tell me in the first place?

'Cause I really, really wanted
you to trust me, miss Donna.

I wanted to come to Boston,

I wanted to help
you with the sh**t.

What sh**t? Where is it?

Without pistache
there is no sh**t.

I got a couple good
pictures, actually.

What a mess.

I'm going to be totally humiliated
unless we have an explanation.

Or... or... Or?

We run.

Watch out, pistache!

Pistache is here!

And what is this? This?

Are you here to mock me?

We don't... we don't mock.

No, no, no. I am Donna cabonna,

and this is my assistant Raven.

Raven Baxter. Hi.

We're just dressed
like you to... To...

Honor your great genius.

Yeah, that's what we're doing.

That's exactly what we're doing.

This, I can understand.

If I were not me, I
would want to be me, too.

Oh,touché.

Ok, here's the question.

How'd you make it
so fast from Milan?

Oh, I chartered an outrageously
expensive private jet,

and I charged it to
miss Donna cabonna.

I'm sure she would not mind.

Oh, no problem.
No problem at all.

This... Is not
jan... And kvelte.

Raven, you're fired!

Yeah, I kind of figured that.

They are even better.

Raven, you're rehired.

Sweet.

Strike a pose.

Ok, turn a little, please. Here.

Turn a little more, please.

Yeah. Yeah.

Turn a little more, please.

But you can't
even see our faces.

Exactement.

That is the genius
of... Pistache.

Oh, my goodness. It's
amazing. It's amazing.

It's brilliant.

I don't need to... it's amazing.

Well, Raven, thanks to this ad,

our new boys'
line is a huge hit.

I think this is gonna work.

I know it is.

I got it.

And now... We dance.

Ooh!

Mama say! Mama say!

Oh, mama say! Mama say!

Ah, checking out?

I hope you enjoyed your
stay at the tipton hotel.

Yes, everything was great.

I just have to get back to San
Francisco on my 9:00 flight, so...

Ah, yes, 9:00 tonight.

No. No, this morning.

It's 7:00, right?

No, it's 10:00.

Huh? No.

Yes. No, it's not.

No, look! Look! No, no, no!

I set the alarm on my secretech!

I thought I'd
finally figured it out!

Oh, well, obviously,
you haven't.

Room 732.

Would you like a
wake-up call for tomorrow?

Yes, please!