01x07 - Naughty Yachties

[bunniefuu]

- Previously,
on below deck...

- Don't lie to me.

I know that you were drinking.

I'm giving you the option to go
to lee yourself and tell him.

This situation with kat

Probably touches closer
to home because

Her and I live in the same room,

And so the tension
is just palpable.

- Well, I just wanted to ask you

- Well, I just wanted to ask you
if you would consider
switching rooms with me.

If you would consider
switching rooms with me.

- I know you've been
a captain before.

I'm gonna ask you
to set that aside,

Because there can only be
one captain on a boat.

I'm it.

- Check the--the work
one more time?

- Knowing that sam isn't
reliable, I need kat right now.

Kat, come with me.

There's something
on that mirror.

- She's having me do everything,

- She's having me do everything,
and I'm tired.

And I'm tired.

How long do I have to carry
this for?

You know what?
It doesn't really concern you.

Well, then talk to her!
"The finer points."

You want to know about my room?

Spend a night in it!

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- So how late did you guys
stay up last night?

- Um, kind of late.
- Really?

- Maybe, like, 2:00 or so.

- Maybe, like, 2:00 or so.
- Are you guys ready to go?

- Are you guys ready to go?

- Uh, waiting for ben.
He's not up yet.

I mean, I just went down
and woke him up,

But he's not up here yet.

I'm already stressed out because

The charter guests
are arriving this afternoon.

We have to get everything ready.

We're already running behind.

- When you guys come back

- When you guys come back
from shopping,
we're not gonna be here.

From shopping,
we're not gonna be here.

We're gonna be over at marigot.

- We still don't have
the provisions on board,

And I am not happy.

- It's rotten.

It's rotten, isn't it?

- Okay, let's go to liquor,

'Cause you need
to get cooking wine.

- And cooking whiskey
and cooking tequila

And cooking rum.
[Laughter]

- So what do you think about
this room change idea?

- Kat wants to do
this cabin swap.

I'm happy with aleks right now,

And I feel like I'm
in the middle of this.

I'll do it.
I'll do it.

I'll do it.
I don't mind.

If it means that much to kat,
I'm willing to do it.

We're gonna get a better product
if kat has her way.

You know what, I'll just appease
the old girl and change rooms.

Let's just make this a clean
transition, all right?

- Yeah.

- 'Cause I don't need
more drama changing rooms.

There's already enough drama,
you know, to begin with.

- I agree, you're right.
Okay.

- Adrienne and I have actually
come a long way.

In the beginning,
I found her ultra-aggressive,

But you know what?

On a yacht, you cannot
hold grudges, all right?

If you're gonna hold grudges,
you may as well leave.

- Um, question--
who do you want on anchor watch?

[Phone ringing]
- I don't know yet.

Marina, honor.

- [Indistinct voice on phone]
- yes.

- [Indistinct voice on phone]
- did I just hear right on that?

Did I just hear that?

- And that's definite?

Thanks for the call.

- Did I just hear right on that?

- Did you hear what I heard?

- I heard
the charter's cancelled.

- Yep.
- [Laughs]

- No money.
- No money?

- No money.
- No money?
- Well, not enough money.
Insufficient funds.

- Well, not enough money.
Insufficient funds.

- Okay.
This is--this is a bummer.

It's a really big bummer,

Because we're not gonna
be getting tip money.

Wow.
- Aleks, aleks, lee.

- Go ahead, lee.

- The charter
has been cancelled.

- What?

- You've got to be [bleep]
kidding me.

- The charter
has been cancelled.

Both: what?

- Wait, the charter's off?

- Captain's standing by.
Captain's standing by.

- Let's drink!
- We're just waiting.

[Laughter]
we're standing by.

That's our deal.
Both: let's drink!

- Hey, guys? Guys, guys!
We're standing by.

- So we have three days off.

- So we have three days off.
No late night [bleep] guests,

No late night [bleep] guests,

No adrienne chasing us around
with a list, um...

Just no bull[bleep].

- Calm it down downstairs,
please.

I can hear you all the way up
on the bridge deck.

As you are probably
already aware,

The charter has been cancelled.

- [Screams]
- shh!

- I repeat, the charter
has been cancelled.

Try to act like you've heard
this before or something.

- This is awesome!
I'm so excited.

I'm going scuba diving tomorrow,

I'm going scuba diving tomorrow,
I'm getting wasted the next day,

I'm getting wasted the next day,

And the day after that,
I'm going shopping.

I need a vacation.

Everyone needs a vacation.

Let's make plans.

- These go in the galley.

- All right!
Let's get this stuff unloaded.

Hey, the chocolate.

- Take this.

[Overlapping chatter]

- Aleks, lee.

Can I get you in
the wheelhouse, please?

- [Humming]

- Here's what I want
to do this afternoon.

We're gonna move.
I think we'll move over

To grand case,
try and suck in close,

But on the way over there

I want to do
a fire drill underway.

And you won't know where it is.

You'll just have to wait for me
to tell you.

I don't want the crew
to know anything.

- Sounds good.

I'm not nervous at all

In my crew or
in my drill skills.

I know how to put out a fire.
It's not about that.

It's about training your crew
on the proper

Procedures to get
her done right.

- Any questions?
- Negative.

- I think with aleks,

We need to find out exactly how
much knowledge he's absorbing,

Because if he thinks I'm just
gonna hand him the control

Of a $20 million yacht,
he's mistaken.

- Did he say that?

- Yep.
He's really fine with it.

So just go ahead and do it.

- Wow, guess we're
in coed rooms now.

Should make for a lot
of sexy action.

- Well, he didn't tell me that.
What, did he tell you that?

- Yeah.
We talked about it today.

He's totally fine with it.

You guys can switch, then it'll
be happy happy land again.

- How did she find out about it

And tell me that
I'm switching rooms,

And ben didn't talk
with me about it?

And ben didn't talk
with me about it?
I should have been
the first to know.

I should have been
the first to know.

Why is adrienne confronting me?

I'm not switching rooms.
[Laughter]

- I think it would be good.

- I think it would be good.
- Well, it was originally
your idea.

- Well, it was originally
your idea.

- So she convinced ben
to do it...somehow.

Maybe she gave him a blowjob.

[Laughter]

- We're the luckiest people
on the boat.

- Why are you guys the luckiest?

'Cause you get along so well?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause we get along so well,
and--among other things.

- Ready below deck?

- Ready when you are, captain.

- Let's go.

- Do you like it up there?

- It's a better view,
and the tv is better.

You got a better view of the tv.

I'm pretty happy.

- I like it that you guys
go behind my back

And try and finagle something.

- What the hell
are you talking about?

- Why wouldn't you just tell me
that you'd switch rooms with me?

Why did you have to go
to adrienne and--

Did you have to make sure
she was gonna give you a blowjob

Every night or something
before you said "yes"?

- That wasn't part of the deal,
actually.

- Then what is part of the deal?
- [Laughs]

Unbelievable.

This is just crazy, you know?

She's now upset because
adrienne and I

Kind of sorted it out
between ourselves.

Kat's a wreck.

You're the one who wanted
to switch rooms,

And now you're pissed off that
you're switching rooms.

- I'm pissed off that
you went ahead and,

Instead of telling me you'd
switch rooms, you told her!

- But you wanted
to switch rooms...

- Yeah, but...
- So what's the difference?

- Why did you tell her?

- Because it was a conversation

That I needed to have
with adrienne.

- Oh, it was?
- Yes.

- Why did you need
to have it with her?

- Why do you think?
- I don't know.

Up until now, I've been
relatively attracted to ben,

And now that he wants
to move in with my enemy,

I'm not happy.

I just can't stand
the [bleep] drama.

Like, can I switch or not?
It's a "yes" or "no."

Like, can I switch or not?
It's a "yes" or "no."
- But you created the drama.
- And then you had--

- But you created the drama.
- And then you had--

- And it seems like
the drama is not over.

I'm just gonna level
with everyone right now.

I do think kat is insane.

- Now the drama is really going
to get started.

- Yeah, well, I feel like
I'm 12 years old.

- What is going on over there?

- Does everyone have
their radios on?

[Fire alarm blares]

- Sam!
- All right, it's not working.

- Are we mustering?
- I guess we are.

- What's that?

- Go and get your stations.

- Cj gets on the radio saying,

"There's a fire
in the engine room!"

I'm like, "oh, no!"
Because now everyone's confused.

[Radio feedback]
all crew, all crew, all crew.

I know where the fire is,

And I know,
at the end of the day,

I'm the one that's gonna get
creamed for it.

- All right, listen up,
all crew.

The fire alarm is not
in the engine room.

It is number four area,
crew galley.

[Alarm beep stops]

[Alarm beep stops]
- I believe the toaster caught
on fire in the crew mess.

- I believe the toaster caught
on fire in the crew mess.

- Guys, I need someone here
to help me get dressed.

I can't do this by myself.
- That's why we're helping you.

- There's a fire!
Aah!

- Nobody actually really knows
what's going on.

- Someone turn my valve on.
- Put the mask on.

- It's upside down.
- You've gotta put--

- That's not co2.

That's dry powder.
- Can you read?

- I was just supposed to bring
the closest one.

If it was a toaster fire,
just [bleep]

Throw the toaster overboard.

It's a serious...
- Super serious!

- Very serious matter,
darling.

- Thank you.
- [Laughs]

- The fire is not going out
with co2.

The extinguisher is out.

The fire team is hosing down
the fire.

Nash, now start emergency
bilge pump, please.

- [Laughs]

- [Laughs]
- since when do you use
a fire hose

- Since when do you use
a fire hose

To battle an electrical fire?

You just k*lled everybody
on the hose.

- That was good.
I wish I had timed you guys.

That was good.

- That's two!
- Hey!

Listen to the story.

[Overlapping shouting]

- If you're out there screaming,

- If you're out there screaming,
cursing--i can't go out
with them.

Cursing--i can't go out
with them.

- Let's get everybody up here
for a rehash of this.

- [Clears throat]
- okay.

The alarm sounded at 1:50,

And somebody gave somebody
some bad information.

- I just--
I stumbled the words.

- I just--
I stumbled the words.
I meant to say,
"I'm in the engine room,

I meant to say,
"I'm in the engine room,

And I see a fire alarm."
Instead, the words came out--

- "Fire in the engine room."
- Yeah, sorry.

That was completely my fault.

- And then it was your job
to ascertain

Whether we had a fire or not.

- I said that a toaster caught
on fire.

- Ah, you said the toaster
was caught on fire at 1:57,

Seven minutes after it started,

Which is five minutes longer
than is acceptable.


Was out.

That's a full nine minutes.

You used water to put out
an electrical fire,

So theoretically,
we could have had two casualties

If this had been
an actual electrical fire.

I never leave the bridge,
under any circumstances.

You are the head mother[bleep]
in charge.

The whole situation is a success
or a failure

Based on what you do.

So, fred, I need you here,
nash, and aleks.

The rest of you, carry on.

[Low chatter]

- Study these, guys.

Try to memorize 'em a little
better for the next one.

- I know I screwed up,
you know?

I got a reaming,
an earful from him.

That's not a way
to treat people at all.

- You need to study your stuff.

The mistakes that you're making
could be fatal to somebody.

I got to have a first officer
I can count on.

And right now, you're not it.

We'll give it another sh*t.

We're gonna do another
drill tomorrow,

And if somebody leaks it
to the crew, by god,

I swear I'll have
somebody's ass.

I want them totally surprised
by it,

And you're gonna run it again.

- Well, that's what you told me
about this one,

And we lost two people.

- I know I'm 80 years younger
than lee, but I'm not a kid.

I didn't get this license
out of a cr*cker jack box,

And getting criticized day
and night,

It's not the way you
train a crew and,

Supposedly, your relief captain

That you're gonna hand
the boat off to.

- I think you should
come down here.

- No.

I think you should come up here.
- But my bunk's more comfy.

- But mine is more mine.

- But mine is more mine.
- I'm actually gonna make a list

- I'm actually gonna make a list

Of how I want to put
that stuff on.

- Okay, adrienne,
you make a list.

- Hey, at least I will [bleep]
cross the list off myself,

Instead of ask you to do it.
- No more list.

- Wait, I want to come and play.
- Come play!

- Are you gonna stay down there,
and I can get up top?

- Whoa--oh, my god!
Wait, I'm gonna fall so hard.

- I have you, I have you.
[Laughter]

- Should I bring pillows?

Okay.
- [Laughs]

- Now, we've got action.

- If all of my study partners
were this hot,

I would have never graduated
from college.

- Okay, so it's my job,
once I find out

What kind of fire it is,
to grab

Two fire extinguishers
from within...

- [Laughs]
- to...

- Jealous?
- To get--

- I'm so jealous.

- Honestly, I don't want
to see him take the blame

For something
so, you know,

We're all gonna
have aleks's back.

We're actually going over
fire work.

- New law...
- Yeah.

- Since I just got reamed?
- Yeah.

- I want you...
[Thud]

Everyone to memorize
everyone's station.

- Yeah, we're actual--
dude, look at us.

We're on it, buddy.
- We're on--look it.

- We've got two copies.
- Honestly, look.

We're doing it.
- And I'm making a list...

- We're making a list.

- Of exactly how I want
to get dressed...

- This is how you study.
- So I can do it faster.

- What?
Do you like it?

- Identical clothes, look.

- Okay, let's pick out
panties now.

Come on, darling.

I love flirting with aleks.

I love flirting with aleks.
You know, I question whether I
would hook up with aleks or not.

You know, I question whether I
would hook up with aleks or not.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

- What do you think?
- I like it.

- Blaow? Blaow?

- Blaow.
- Blaow.

- Blaow.
- Blaow.
- Who pressed my khakis?

- Who pressed my khakis?

- Who pressed your khakis?
Is that even a question?

- Oh.

- Is that even a question?
- Thank you.

- I'm really stoked
we have a night off.

I want to hang out.
I want to relax.

I want to drink a glass of wine
and just do nothing,

I want to drink a glass of wine
and just do nothing,
and not think about work
for a minute.

And not think about work
for a minute.

- The tender is here.
Let's go!

- We're here!

- Thank you.

- We will do a bottle of rose.

- This is exactly
how it should be--

- This is exactly
how it should be--
everybody getting along,

Everybody getting along,

And everybody
having a great time,

And I wish it was
like this all the time.

- I'd like to make
a toast real quick, guys.

- Aleks would like
to make a toast!

- I just want to say thank you
to everyone

For doing a great job today
on the drill.

Obviously, you guys see
I'm stressed out about it

Because captain dip[bleep]
att*cked me.

- We did our best!

- Your entire crew
has your back on this one.

- Yeah.
- We feel, all of us,

Unanimously feel like
the captain was

Out of line.
He was overly aggressive--

- He was out of line
the whole time,

And he can't take questions,
especially from females!

- You handled yourself
professionally and exactly--

- You've been labeling
a fictitious fire.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- And you're not getting
any information.

- And you're not getting
any information.

- Nobody on this [bleep]

Knows what the [bleep]
they're doing!

- What the [bleep] is going on.

- Pass your bread, dude.

- You guys are awfully loud.
- Guys, yeah.

When I go out to dinner,

I want to have like a nice time
and not be embarrassed.

- We got the email 11:30
at night, remember?

- Yeah.
- That's the massage night.

- That's two!
- Hey!

Listen to the story.
We're all tired

And we're overworked,
stressed.

Got a couple that are drunk,

You know, and just being
obnoxious and rude.

Mr. Lee...

- Oh.
- Says, um--

- Who said that?

- Are you gonna listen
to the [bleep] story?

I hate being interrupted.

- [Bleep] listen!

What the [bleep]?
- You interrupted me.

- [Bleep] off.

- [Bleep] off.
- Stop it!
Behave.

- Stop it!
Behave.

- It's okay, love,
just chill out, please.

- I'm chillin'.
I wasn't the one who said that.

- Please.
- What did you have?

- I need to get back
to the boat.

- But you ordered a meal and it
hasn't arrived yet, right?

- But you ordered a meal and it
hasn't arrived yet, right?
- Correct. That's fine.
- We'll bring it for you.

- Correct. That's fine.
- We'll bring it for you.

- Don't worry about it.

I'll see you guys
back at the boat.

I'll see you guys
back at the boat.
I'm gonna get a taxi back.
We're a team.

I'm gonna get a taxi back.
We're a team.

If you're out there
screaming, cursing,

Just acting like
a complete idiot,

It's terrible, you know?

I can't go out
with them anymore.

I'm fine.
It's just, I don't even want

To have dinner
with these guys anymore.

To have dinner
with these guys anymore.
They're too [bleep] loud.

They're too [bleep] loud.

They're obnoxious,
disrespectful.

Just the lowest form
of class you can have.

I look around the restaurant
and people are staring

'Cause cj's slapping the table
and yelling,

And kat is screaming, you know,
in her ridiculous accent

About some sort of bull[bleep]
that's going on.

It's just, like--
it's absolutely ridiculous,

And it's rude, and I don't want
any part of it.

- This was the most awkward,

Uncomfortable dinner
I have ever had.

- I'm drunk, and I'm horny,
and I'm bored.

- Hey-o!

- Where are
my [bleep] shoes?

[Laughter]

- Watch out, the--oh!

- Here's the problem with
this entire friggin' boat.

- Nobody knows
what the [bleep]--

Knows what the [bleep] is--

- Guys, what the [bleep]
is going on?

- Wait, wait, now, now, now!
Wait--that's my seat.

I'm gonna sit there.
I just--okay.

- We--you guys all left
and, like, it was a really

Awkwardly empty table,
so we all shifted.

- This should be the best time
that we have together.

There's no guests.

We should be able to just enjoy
each other's company,

And instead, everybody's
pissed off and miserable.

- If you stopped slurring
your speech, it might--

- That is rude.
That is rude.

- We ordered.
We ordered yet again.

- We ordered.
We ordered yet again.
- He clearly did not serve
all of us simultaneously.

- He clearly did not serve
all of us simultaneously.

- Right, terrible person.
Obviously awful.

- Right, terrible person.
Obviously awful.
- This was the most awkward,
uncomfortable, inappropriate,

- This was the most awkward,
uncomfortable, inappropriate,

- This was the most awkward,
uncomfortable, inappropriate,
rude, and disrupted dinner I
have ever had in a public place.

Rude, and disrupted dinner I
have ever had in a public place.

- Right!
I second that.

- Right!
I second that.
- I third it.

- I third it.

- Where's cj and ben and--

Come on, don't worry about them.

- At this point, I think we're
lucky that we don't have any

Responsibility tomorrow, that
we don't have to flip the boat

Or have guests on board
or do any more drills.

I mean, I think--
[chuckles]

This crew is just too

Dysfunctional for that
right now.

- Shall we?

I got work tomorrow.
- There you have it.

- I know, I know, kat.
Come on, g*ng.

Benny boy?
- Darling.

- Andiamo.

- Where are my [bleep]
shoes?

- Bum, bah da bum bum.

- Ben, please, why don't i--
I thought we were gonna go play?

You wanna go play?

[Muttering]

Ow!
- [Laughs]

- Oh!
Unh, ooh!

- What the hell
is going on here?

Really, seriously.

Are you guys all right?
- [Groans]

- Come here.
And then you up.

- [Grunts]
- kat.

- That really hurt.

- You all right?
- What's up, girlfriend?

- You all right?
- What's up, girlfriend?
Bye!

Bye!

Are you staying
or coming with me?

- Oh, I'm coming with you.

- Come in for a whiskey.
- She jumped in.

- [Giggles]
- watch out for the sharks, cj.

- Where is my handsome man?
- Which one?

- Can you guys come play
with me?

- Can you guys come play
with me?
Everyone's going to bed,
and I'm drunk

Everyone's going to bed,
and I'm drunk

And I'm horny and I'm bored.

- Hey-o!
Kat has locked me in a room.

I've had a few drinks,
let's be honest.

What happened?

I'll leave that
to everyone's imagination.

I don't kiss and tell.

- Come on!

[Whining]
baby!

- I mean, let's go through it
real quick.

- All right.

It is gonna spread,
so you're gonna have to make

Some calls at the end
of the day.

- But if it spreads
to the engine room

And it's still going,
there's no way I can put it out.

Abandon ship.

- Captain,
fire can be contained.

- This drill is the drill
of all drills.

- This drill is the drill
of all drills.
We have an uncontrollable fire
that leads to abandon ship.

We have an uncontrollable fire
that leads to abandon ship.

I just hope all the crew
studied their asses off

To get this thing done right,

Or else, I'm gonna hear
from captain old peg leg here.

He's gonna unscrew his leg
and b*at me over the head

And throw me overboard.

- Lee, we're ready to roll.

- Got everybody in place?

- I mean, there are some
crew members still sleeping.

Let's see how they react to

A fire drill
while they're sleeping.

- Works for me.
- Cool.

[Fire alarm blares]
[knock at door]

- Wake up!
Grab your radios!

Wake up!

Get up!

Bust your station,
bust your station!

- Check it out.

- God damn it,
I hope we get this right.

- There appears to be a fire
in the portside lazarettes.

- There appears to be a fire
in the portside lazarettes.
- [Imitates alarm].

- [Imitates alarm].

I'm so hungover,
and there's a fire alarm.

I have no pants on.
I wasn't wearing any pants,

So I'm one eye open,

Going through my closet,

Trying to find something
appropriate

To wear during a fire drill.

- All the foam and co2
you can find, right now.

Let's go, guys!
Move it!

This fire is going out
of control.

- Be aware, we have a secondary
alarm in the engine room.

- Confirmed, there is a fire
in the engine room.

- Hey, dave, turn on
the fire sprinkler system.

- The sprinkler system is on.
- Nash, you're clear to exit.

Okay, lee, we have nash.

The engine room is clear.

The fire is out of control
in the lazarette.

- Let's prepare to abandon ship.

- Roger!
Abandon ship, guys!

Get in your stations!

- It's "abandon ship,
'cause you all suck!"

You get one [bleep]
fire extinguisher,

Put it out, or [bleep]
jump overboard.

[Alarms blaring]

- I'm gonna get you up there
as soon as possible.

[Background chatter]

- Life jackets.

- We're jumping overboard, guys.

Get your life jackets on,
get your immersion suits on.

- As soon as yours is on,
help your buddy!

[Alarms continue blaring]

[Alarms continue blaring]
- go down to your stations
for your life raft.

- Go down to your stations
for your life raft.

Ready to abandon ship,
captain.

- All right, stand down,

And k*ll the general alarm,
please.

[Alarm fades]

- Not bad.

- That's fun to do
with three hours of sleep.

- Sorry, eddie.
I didn't want to surprise you,

But I had no other choice.

- I'm sweating out vodka
from my pores.

That was awesome.
We pulled it together,

We're a team, and it's something
to be proud of.

- How did you guys feel
about the drill?

- Better than yesterday.

- The rescue was pretty good.

The call you made to get me out
of there was pretty good.

- Cj, one of the first things
they teach you in firefighting

Is you want as many layers
of anything between

You and the fire.
- I was asleep.

- Grab a shirt on the way out
the door.

Just go in there bare-chested
like superman

And knock that [bleep] down.

Otherwise, why bother putting
the jacket on?

- That was complete bull[bleep].
The guy was sleeping.

He didn't know it was a fire.
He just heard an alarm.

- Everybody's up on top,
and they're gonna launch

The life rafts
from the third deck,

And then you're just gonna,
what, get airborne?

There's no [bleep] excuse
for not getting to your

g*dd*mn stations and getting
your [bleep] on.

Is that understood?
- Yeah, but it was on fire.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- Am I hearing this right?

Is this the way
the meeting is going?

I'm personally sort of
getting tired

Of captain lee coming down
on all of our crew.

It's ridiculous.

- In the event that the entire
thing is engulfed in flames,

And it's burning and it's hot

And we can't actually stand
on it, where do we go?

And we can't actually stand
on it, where do we go?
- The proper thing to do
would have been for him

- The proper thing to do
would have been for him

To give you instructions
that he got from me.

- While I'm burning, I'm not
gonna stand there and wait

For somebody to tell me
where to go.

- And do you think we would
actually stand there

And let you burn
without telling you?

- I'm asking so as to--

- And I'm telling you,
you wait for instructions!

- And I'm telling you,
you wait for instructions!
They will come!

They will come!

Nobody expects you
to stand there and die!

Our whole purpose of this
is so you don't!

What is so difficult about that,
people?

And why is that smirk
on your face, sam?

- I'm just a happy person.

I don't think we did
a terrible job at all.

I think we did a pretty damn
good job.

He was just being such an idiot.

- People would have d*ed.

That's why we're doing this.

Not to make anybody look bad,
but to save somebody's life,

When and if it really
becomes a fact.

- The drill went perfectly,
in my eyes,

And that just shows
how shallow and,

You know, insecure he is

And just wanting
to make us look bad.

- You're all excused.
- Thank you!

- You should have stepped

Forward with your left foot
instead of your right foot.

- Didn't you say we have
the day off?

- Yeah, we have the day off.

- So we can change
into civilian clothes,

We can get in the tender,
and peace the [bleep] out?

- Yeah, we're just waiting--
we're waiting for, um,

Itinerary from bob,
but I think we're gonna be--

- Of course we are.
[Laughs]

- I think we're gonna go
to the beach all day.

- Yes, yes!
Wanna go sailing?

- So what?

- One, two, three!

- Oh! [Laughs]

[Laughter]

- It's nice to be able
to actually,

- It's nice to be able
to actually,
you know, get out there

You know, get out there

And hang out with the crewmates

And hang out with the crewmates
and just relax for a few hours.

And just relax for a few hours.

- That one really hurt.
[Laughter]

- I might get topless at
the beach, I'm not gonna lie.

- Hey-o!
I'll bring the little ones.

- Just, you know, like,
when in rome--

- "I'll bring the little ones"!
[Laughter]

- You're not gonna cook dinner
for everyone tonight?

- [Laughs]

- Yay!
It's time to go!

- Oh, my god, I'm so white
I'm green!

- Oh, my god, I'm so white
I'm green!
- "I'm so white I'm green."

- "I'm so white I'm green."

- [Indistinct under motor]
badass mother[bleep]?

[Laughter]
- I hear a question.

- With the whole drill
and getting reamed by lee,

It was a godsend to finally
get off the boat

And leave the rest of the stress
behind and just relax.

- Thanks, fred!
- Wait.

- Yeah, let's get one
and name it adrienne

And stick pins in it.

- [Laughs]
- that sure looks like her.

- These are so cool.

- It's not our cash!
- [Laughs]

- Well, my cash
that's in your purse.

- Well, my cash
that's in your purse.
- We are not married, all right?

- We are not married, all right?

- We do not share
a mutual cash account!

- Yeah!

- Whoa, itchy feet!
- [Laughs]

- I'm in it. I'm in it.
You can't stop me.

- Yeah!

- I'm gonna have to get
in the water, like right now.

- Captain america!
- Exactly.

- I thought that aleks did
a [bleep] great job today.

I don't know why captain
was so--

Like, captain understood
what the girls were saying.

He just kept fighting it.

- It's just gonna be hard
to do my job,

Dealing with that [bleep]hole.

You guys don't have to deal
with him.

I have to deal with him
face to face.

- I had to live with my
superior, who was just as bad.

Imagine if you were living
with lee, in the room?

- I'd k*ll him.

- Exactly.

I wanted to k*ll her.

- I'm excited to have aleks
as a roommate.

I like guy roommates.

I mean, he's good-looking,

He's clean, he smells good.

He probably has got a bigger
penis than adrienne, too.

- We're supposed to be partner.

I'm his relief,
he's the captain.

We're supposed to be friends,
you know,

Not s*ab each other in the back.

- That's what he does, though.

- If that's what he wants,
you know, that's--

- That's what he does best.

That's the only way he knows,

And so that's his mentality.

He's not nice to anybody.

If you don't go along with
the n*zi, you get [bleep] what?

You get b*rned.

- After that briefing,
we as a crew came together,

Like, "wow, that was complete
bull[bleep]."

- Perfect.
I'll take it!

- It's a little windy out here
to do this.

- We got trapeze hook-ups
already, also.

- This is my favorite part
about time off.

- This is my favorite part
about time off.
Wakeboarding, surfing,
bodysurfing, sailing--

Wakeboarding, surfing,
bodysurfing, sailing--

I like all of it,
so this is perfect.

- Whoa!

- There's our crew, right there
on that sailboat, I think.

That catamaran with the yellow,

Green, and blue sail?
- Yeah.

- Whoo!

- Cowabunga!

- Yeah!

- Oh, I'm having the time
of my life!

- As much as I'd like
to keep my distance from

Getting myself emotionally
involved with sam,

It's definitely tough.

This charter season
is gonna be over soon.

Whether she wants something
more, who knows?

- To sailing the seven seas!

[Laughter]

- To riding that [bleep]
cat in 20 seconds.

- I have to admit, I'm jealous
all of a sudden now that

Ben and adrienne share
a room together.

Are they gonna be best friends?

Even lovers?

- Are you still doing that
national order?

- Yeah.

That's like spelt, yeast-free,
multi-grain bread?

Dude, I don't know.

No.

- What is wrong
with these people?

- Aah!
[Overlapping shouting]

- [Laughs]
oh, there's our ride.

- Oh!

- Awesome.

- Yes!

- There's a lot of cock
floating around in here.

- "There's a lot of--"
[laughter]

- It's like a cock stew.

- That toe was not supposed
to be caressing my [bleep]hole.

- [Laughs]
- I thought you'd like it.

- I'm glad our crew is having
such a good time tonight.

They never get to do this

On the boat, you know?
- Yeah.

- [Laughs]

- [Laughs]
- can I be any [bleep]
plainer than that?

- Can I be any [bleep]
plainer than that?

- No, you can't be any more
plainer than that.

- Do we understand each other?
- I will keep my pants on.

- It's 2012.

We're in the jacuzzi,
the jets are on,

It's just sam and dave and i.

It's just sam and dave and i.
What the hell's a hot tub
for, anyway?

What the hell's a hot tub
for, anyway?

We swapped shorts.
[Bleep] get over it.

We swapped shorts.
[Bleep] get over it.
- I just think you need
to remain calm.

- I just think you need
to remain calm.

- Oh, I'm calm.
- David.

- Oh, I'm calm.
- David.
Trust me, I'm calm.

Trust me, I'm calm.

You don't want to see me
when I'm not calm.

- What the hell
is captain lee thinking?

He's out of his mind.

We don't suck.

He sucks.

- I just talked to the captain.

- Keep your pants on, cj!

- As long as I'm wearing pants,
we're good!

- But the shirt off is okay,
now?

- But the shirt off is okay,
now?
- I--well, I'm working him in,
you know?

- I--well, I'm working him in,
you know?

- [Laughs]

- So am I allowed to go
for a walk?

- If you want to go out, no.

- Please go for a stroll
down the dock?

- No.
- Why?

- Because I don't think
you're going for a stroll

Down the dock,
I think you're going out.

You're drunk!

- There's other ways
around this!

You don't have to k*ll yourself!

No!

No!
Stop it.
Don't k*ll yourself.

Stop it.
Don't k*ll yourself.

- I'm not k*lling myself.
- It's okay, I love you.

- Why are you being
so [bleep] melodramatic?

- [Laughs]

- This is my bathtub.

- [Laughs]
- what?

- [Laughs]
- what?
For the record, I was not trying
to commit su1c1de.

For the record, I was not trying
to commit su1c1de.

I was actually just trying
to get under the water.

I was actually just trying
to get under the water.
Now, I'm english.
We love baths, okay?

Now, I'm english.
We love baths, okay?

We bathe.

- [Laughs]
- I need a rubber duckie.

- A rubber duchy!
A rubber duckie!

- Wine!
Wine me.

- [Laughs]
- wine me.

- Can I give you cheese

And crackers?
Can I give you...

- Cheese and crackers
would be lovely.

- Red wine?

And can I give you a blowjob?

- You can give me anything
you like, darling.

- [Laughs]

- Do me a favor?
- Yes, sir?

- Put me together a plate that
I can take to my quarters?

- Do you want just, like,
a little ensemble?

- That would work for me.

- Everyone is kind of off
right now, but I'm sadly not.

I've still got to cook
for the crew.

But you know what?
I'm just gonna have fun with it.

I've decided that I'm gonna make

Some really great proteins
and put them on pizzas.

Pizza is really close
to my heart.

I studied in italy, so I'm doing
a foie gras and fig.

I'm doing a braised steak tip
and mascarpone.

Um, I'm doing some k*ller stuff.

Let's go!
Pizza, pizza.

- Are you going out tonight,
or are we going out tonight?

What's going on?
- Yeah, we're all going out.

- That's my seat!

- [Laughs]
you are aggressive tonight.

- No, I'm just selfish
and demanding.

- Well, sure,
call it what you want, love.

- I think we're starving.
- Eat, then.

- Oh, my god, I want one
of those calamari ones.

- Lee is not coming.

He's not eating dinner with us,
thank god.

- How's your pizza?

- Good!
How was yours?

- Mine was good.

- Are you gonna sit, captain?
- No.

I just came to deliver
a brief message.

- Okay.

- Shore leave is cancelled
this evening.

Nobody will be going off

The boat this evening.
- Got it.

- I'm not actually pleased with

The amount of stuff that's been
getting done on the boat

In the last few days,
so we're gonna make up for it,

Starting tomorrow morning.

Anybody got an issue with that?

All: no.

- See everybody in the morning.

- [Murmuring]
[door closes]

- [Murmuring]
[door closes]
- I love my job,
I love my job...

- I love my job,
I love my job...

- [Chuckles] yeah.
- I love my job.

- Yeah.
- This is day two off,

In six weeks?

Could I have that screw-open
bottle of wine?

I'm gonna go [bleep]
break it over his head.

[Laughter]

- I think a couple people
of the crew

Need to take it down a notch...

Need to take it down a notch...
- Let's call himn this boat,

- Let's call himn this boat,

And there's a chain of order,
and that we need

To follow that chain of order

And not disrespect anybody
on this boat.

- What else have we got
around here?

- I think that's it,
then just the cheese, guys.

- Can I have a--the lamb pizza?

I'm really upset
that ben's not up here,

And ben slaved all day
over this.

- [Bleep] suaughter]

- Outstanding timing.

- Caught red-handed, you two.

- You guys missed
a great meeting.

- Where the hell have you been?

Did you guys hear
what captain said?

- We are grounded for the night.
We are not going out.

- He came out here and told us
to go [bleep] ourselves.

"[Bleep] your social life.

You're not going out."

- Could we take it down, like,
a notch?

- Shut the [bleep] up.

- It's tough for kat.

One drink or ten,
it doesn't matter.

She's fun to flirt with,
she's fun to hang out with,

And then, like that, it's like,
throw her over your shoulder

And put her to bed,
'cause she's done.

- Are you going to eat?

- Yeah, I had a couple
pizzas already.

- You guys are sitting there
like a couple, not eating.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

- Nothing.

- Am I being rude?
- No.

- Really, why are you guys
spending so much time together?

It's pissing me off.
- Are you getting jealous, kat?

- Why would you be jealous?

Are you and ben dating
or something?

- No, but maybe I have
a crush on him.

Yes, I'm a girl,
I get jealous.

I don't like the thought
of someone I like

Being with someone I don't like.

What I don't know is k*lling me.

- I'm missing something.
- We work together, you know?

Like, sorry.

You know, we had some things
to do.

Don't worry about it.

- I don't think I want to hear
either of your excuses,

To be honest with you.

- I didn't come up with
an excuse.

- Yeah, well, you're trying to.

Are you not sitting there trying
to come up with a justification?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

Well, then justify away,
captain obvious.

- Okay.
- What is wrong with her?

- She's [bleep] nuts.

- She's [bleep] nuts.
Some people should not drink,
and kat is one of them.

Some people should not drink,
and kat is one of them.

It brings out this demonic

Sort of trailer park refugee,

And it's just disgusting.

She doesn't talk like
a normal person,

You know, and I don't really
want to be associated with that.

- What, her--
- yeah, the way she acts

And blames and talks about
gross things, and it--

It's not funny.
- I don't want to go out

And have dinner
with her anymore.

- Is that why you left?
- That's why he left last night!

- That's why I left last night.
- Because of kat.

- I'm pretty sure she was
talking about going out

And finding some "d*ck"
to get "impregnated" with.

- Yeah, right?
Comments like that--

- Who ever wants to date you?

- Kat's living the dream, man.

She doesn't care what
anyone thinks about her,

And, like,
she's just having fun.

- There's a big difference
between having fun

- There's a big difference
between having fun
and being antisocial.
- Or being obnoxious.

And being antisocial.
- Or being obnoxious.

- Right.

- I got to get to anchor watch.

I'm getting the hell
out of here.

- People have to sleep in here.

Oh.
I'm going to pee.

Oh, I'm sorry, aleks.

- Are you gonna
watch me do this?

I'm gonna do it from my
upstairs, top story penthouse.

- Lucky?
I'm too drunk to get lucky.

What's up, captain?

- Eh, just hanging out.

- Oh, okay.
- It's chill tonight.

- So am I allowed to go
for a walk?

- A walk where?

If you want to go out, no.
- No, I don't want to go out.

I want to get off the boat
and go for a walk.

Can I get it approved by the
captain to go for a nice stroll?

- I'd rather you didn't.

- I know you'd rather I didn't.

- I know you'd rather I didn't.
- So I think that answers
the question.

- So I think that answers
the question.

- But I'd rather that I did.

- I know that's what
you'd rather, but--

- What time is it?

It's not even 11:00, captain.
- I know.

- Can I please go for a stroll
down the dock?

- No.
- Why?

- Because I don't think
you're going for a stroll

Down the dock,
I think you're going out.

And I don't want you to go out.

- Okay, I'm gonna go to bed,
then. I'm sorry, captain.

- Okay.
Good night.

- I'm pissed,
because this is my time off,

And I want to go out.

And I want to go out.
I'm sick of him trying
to be my ruler...

I'm sick of him trying
to be my ruler...

Like he's my father.

[Bang]

- [Chuckles]

- [Gasps]

- Take a look on the dock.

- You want to come back
to the boat, kat?

- Not really.
- This is gonna be ugly.

You're drunk!
- I'm not freaking drunk!

- Really?
- I'm just trying to

Have a nice time.
- Really?

It's not your night
to have a nice time.

This conversation
is over with.

Come back to the boat, kat.

- I don't agree with him,

He doesn't agree with me,

And I just want to get through
the rest of this season.

I know that I am in hell,

And that captain lee
is the devil.

- Next time, on below deck...

- Who is the vegan?

- These two.

- Two vegans?

- [Laughs]
- oh, god.

- You definitely should eat
a lot of fruits and vegetables.

- I've already eaten it!

- I've already eaten it!
I've eaten everything that
you wanted me to eat!

I've eaten everything that
you wanted me to eat!

I want an egg, that's it!
- Okay. Stop yelling.

- Yeah, but why don't you--
- no, he's so annoying!

I've heard this
for the last two hours!

- Okay, then--
- these charter guests

That we have are completely
bat[bleep] crazy.

- Dad, shut up!

- When you drink, you turn into

A trailer park demonic refugee.

- That's something awful to say
about somebody, you know?

- I am up to here with you.

- That's why I asked
have I something wrong?

- From day one,
you've been yourself.

- [Bleep] him.
I'm done with him.

[Bleep].

[Bang]

I'm gonna do whatever
the [bleep] I want.

- You guys having fun?

- There was just, like,
rage in his eyes.

- Cj and sam decided
to go swimming off the bow.

They had a beer in their hands.
- [Grunts]

- Basically,
we have two options.

You can take the $500 and walk,

Or you can take $300,
put the rest in the kitty,

And stay for this last charter.