01x15 - When a Kid Goes Bad

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God, that bag is soaked with grease.

I'll tell you now, I don't care what's in it, I'm eating it.

It's human head.

If it's deep fried, I'm still in.

[Gasps]

Travis, this is my favorite fried chicken!

Oh, wow! Wait, why?

Are you on dr*gs? Is someone pregnant?

Huh?

Oh, God, you know what? No matter what it is, honey, we are gonna get through it.

Whenever they open a new Chicken Dandies, first 50 people in line get free food for a month.

So, after waiting behind a large gentleman for 20-plus hours, who was using a paint bucket as both a chair and a commode, you're looking at customer number three.

How did you wait in line so long without missing school?

Waffle fry?

Did you really call Travis in sick from school so you two could wait in line for free chicken?

sh**t, I forgot to call his school, didn't I?

Wow, you're still not great at zoning in on why I'm angry.

Look, in my defense, I just ate a gallon-jug of free coleslaw.

My brain's a little mayonnaise-y.

Bobby, when it comes to Travis, you have to talk to me first.

I know we're divorced but we still have to do all of our parenting together, OK?

We're a team.

Fine.

But I get to pick the team mascot.

Coleslaw!

Let me try that again.

You're still stuck on coleslaw.

Won't get out of my head.

Where's Jules? Andy and I are going on a romantic couple's lunch and I want her to come with us.

Across the street getting a pedicure.

Ooh, I love that she's doing that. [chuckling]

It's nothing weird.

I just like feet... and Asians.

Charming. Wait here, I'm gonna go to that lingerie store and pick out what you're buying for Valentine's Day.

Get sexy panties. I love panties!

Panties and feet.

All right.

Oh, you know what "panties" are?

They're a type of clothes that most women wear under their skirts.

Pass.

So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day?

You know that guy Smith I'm dating?

Nope.

Doesn't matter.

He's driving home from law school.

He wants me to meet his dad.

Isn't that romantic?

That depends on what you three are doing.

Feet, panties, Asians and threesomes.

Lettin' it all out today.

My cousin runs a website that you'd really be into.

There's actually a picture on there of my bare feet dripping in honey.

You're Honey Toes?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, you are!

This whole dad thing just has me so nervous. Andy!

Sorry. You'll be fine. Just do what I did when I first met Ellie's folks.

Be yourself, only less Latino.

Oh...

Oh, look, there's a little old bird nest on the windowsill.

Did you ever have that conversation with Andy about downstairs man-grooming?

Didn't have to.

I signed him up for an eyebrow wax, which is really a bikini wax.

Andy will be so turned on by all the screaming Koreans, he won't know what hit him until he's sliding around bed like canned ham.

I'm not really big on the man-scaping.

You don't husk the corn?

Nah. If it's humid, I might throw in leave-in conditioner down there.

Anyway, thanks for the coffee and the really weird, personal conversation.

Bye.

Bye.

You have let too many people into our coffee circle!

Why don't you just invite those creepy homeschooled kids from next door?

They can wow us with math skills while they s*ab us to death.

Who do you want in our coffee circle?

Just you and me.

This is our shopping circle argument all over again.

So, Mom, since we have a relationship professionals have deemed "unhealthy"...

They have.

That's cute.

David Schoenburger's having a party.

Are?

His parents won't be there.

Will?

Yes, there will be beer, but I won't be drinking.

How are you gonna say no?

This is ridiculous!

What just happened?

It's called parenting, Ellie.

Try and keep up.

Jules? May I present Smith Frank.

Wow, you're, uh...

You're even prettier than Laurie said.

Strong start, Smith.

Even though he dresses like an accountant, check this out.

Whabam! Crazy socks!

We feel these say "I can still get funky."

Well, it's business upstairs and party downstairs. Like it.

Wow, you seem perfect, right?

I mean, almost too perfect.

What's your dirty secret, Smith?

I will not be questioned by a woman.

Oh, my God, that was... that was funnier in my head.

Um... I'm... I'm sorry... That was...

I'm feeling a little nauseous, so I think I'm gonna, um...

[clears throat]... sit.

I like him.

Me, too!

Tell Henderson that I think a zero-down commercial re-fi in a cratering economy is a slam-dunk idea!

Whoa!

That is some grade-A, smart-guy gibberish.

And look at this office! If I ever sold my boat, I could live here.

No.

OK, I was just thinking out loud, brother.

Man, you're like the big dog with low-hanging fruit around here, aren't you?

Watch this.

Paul!

Yes, sir.

[Hooting]

See? That's Work Andy.

He's sexy.

Is that how you bagged Ellie?

Work Andy also makes a lot of dough.

Gotcha. Hey, you want to go grab lunch?

Sorry, I got to prep for a meeting tomorrow. Big potential client.

If I manage this guy's money, it would be a career changer.

[Phone ringing]

Oh! That's Ellie.

She's helping me stay focused on what's important.

Hey, honey.

I want a new car!

It's nice to have someone in my corner.

Oh, hey, Mom. Hey, look what I found.

It's your old high school photo album.

Well, this isn't going to go well for me, is it?

For you, no. For me, delicious.

In this picture, you appear to be in a moving car with a beer in both hands.

Fun!

I'm not driving.

Oh. So I can drink as long as I'm not driving?

You're twisting my words. You're a word-twister. He's a word-twister.

The hypocritical photo album.

Keep looking, you'll find out why she named your hamsters Jäger and Meister.

You with beer, you doing sh*ts... Ooh!

Cigarettes!

Were those as cool as they look?

Sometimes.

You're right not to let me go to the party.

You were allowed to have fun as a kid and you can't even go one night without a glass of wine.

Yes, I can.

OK, how about tonight?

I can't do it tonight.

It's Wednesday. Tomorrow.

No, I can't do tomorrow.

And then it's the weekend, and then, well, that's just crazy talk.

How 'bout I don't drink starting Monday morning?

Mrs. Torres, are you gonna be around if I want to do an intervention?

My speech is already written.

All right, fine, I'll do it tonight.

Good luck.

I don't need luck, Travis!

Mmm! Mmm!

Give it to me.

Really? Two seconds.

What? I'm still drinking it.

Well, enjoy the day knowing you've taken what little social life I have and m*rder*d it.

I'm not in the mood for the 'tude, dude.

Rhyme-five.

All right.

Thank you.

You're incredibly annoying.

Thanks, sweetie. Love you.

So, what are you and Andy doing for Valentine's Day?

The usual. We go to the drugstore and buy all the Valentine's Day cards and then we watch forgetful husbands panic.

There is nothing better than watching a man buying a bar mitzvah card try to change the Star of David into a heart. [giggles]

Laurie has plans, too. What about you?

Who's the lucky girl off your boink list that gets the golden ticket?

On Valentine's Day? None of them.

That would imply caring. Wrong message.

You know what I just realized?

You're gonna be the mistake that all those girls learn from.

Yeah. I do it for them.

Well, you know, you and I could hang out, you know, just as friends.

We can drink some beers, make fun of how lame Valentine's Day is...

But not too much because it's the most beautiful holiday God ever created.

It's a fake holiday created by candy companies to prey on sad and lonely women.

Hello.

Roger's gonna be here any minute.

Hey, relax. You wearing those lucky boxers I got you?

Weiner dogs and balloons!

Yeah, baby!

[Intercom beeps]

[Paul] Mr. Frank is here.

Uh, all right.

Uh, wait 12 seconds and then send him in. Thank you.

All right, confidence dance.

Boom! Go get 'em, champ.

Ah, Mr. Frank, please come on in.

Robert "Bobby" Cobb.

Another one of Andrew's clients.

Tell Henderson I think that a zero-down commercial re-fi in a cratering economy is a slam-dunk idea.

But assuming more debt prohibits a positive cash flow, wouldn't you say?

I gotta pee.

You know, um, having Christmas lights up six weeks after Christmas is actually dangerous.

How so?

Because if you don't take them down, I'm gonna feed them to you and then yank them out the other end like I'm starting a lawnmower.

I love our little talks.

When I'm on the treadmill looking out the window, they're driving me insane.

I don't even turn them on.

How can you see 'em?

I know they're there.

I'll take them down. OK.

It's no biggie.

It is a huge biggie.

You're in our coffee circle now and Ellie considers herself alpha dog.

If you give in, she's gonna dominate you forever.

You just make all the rules about parties and drinking without talking to me? What happened to parenting as Team Coleslaw?

Have fun with that. Now, we're even.

Travis, we'll never be even.

Do I need to show you my scar from my C-section?

It's got a hair growing in it now.

Come on, it's not that gross.

Yeah, it is.

Knocked the wind out of me.

Oh, my God, there's two of 'em!

Oh, my God!

I like your club. Thank you.

Tell me, am I the first Hispanic person ever to set foot in here?

Is The Rock Hispanic?

No, but he can pass for anything.

That's why his career is on fire.

Dad?

Smith.

Laurie?

Andy?

Roger?

Yeah, I know I just said my own name.

I like the sound of it.

Plus, we haven't met. Roger Frank.

Oh... Laurie Keller.

Wow!

I was here once when I was a kid for the day-before-Christmas party.

Yes. The one for needy families.

That explains why my gift said, "For girl, age six to ten."

Who wants a giant drink?

I do.

Yeah, that'd be great, thank you.

Yes, I decided that our underage son can't drink.

But to be fair, I didn't make up that rule, America did.

You think by telling him no he's not gonna do it?

Hell, your parents told you not to sleep with me.

Yeah, even after we were married.

You're just creating a...

Really?

Yeah.

Look, you're just creating a situation where Travis will be so afraid to get caught he won't call for a ride if he's been drinking.

Do you have a better idea?

Maybe I do.

But you might not like it.

So, first, confidence dance!

Jules?

I hate that I have to do it with you.

Come on.

You never answered me about Valentine's Day.

Come on, we can hang out like two guys and drink beer and have a farting contest.

That's what guys do when they're alone?

That's what I do with my friends.

So, what else can we do on our un-Valentine's Day?

Why don't we just skip it?

OK, well, that's one idea, but let's keep spit-balling.

Any other day but today. Is that OK?

Sure, it's no big deal.

[Exclaims]

Oh, God!

What are you doing?

Mrs. Ellie tell me take them down the lights.

Alpha dog.

Hey, let's eat quick so we can go home and knock one out.

I like that I never wonder what you're thinking.

I know.

A quarter-of-a-million-dollar education doesn't teach you not to bed down trailer trash, right?

Wow. A quarter million dollars?

Think of how many of those watches you could've bought.

One.

Stunning, really.

She looks like she belongs on a truck's mud flap.

When I was a kid, you know, whenever I saw a truck, I'd always, you know... [honking]

That was... I liked trucks.

You don't agree that Smith is way out of her league?

No, no, no, no... I... I'm...

I'm with you, I agree.

That... that girl is not classy.

Do you know how old I was the first time I got really drunk?

I don't know... nine?

Trick question.

I've never been really drunk.

I have a monster tolerance.

The point is...

Dad, there is no point to that story.

All right. The completely new thought is your mom doesn't want you drinking.

Neither do I. But you're gonna do what you do, so here's the deal.

If you drink, do not drive.

Call me and I'll drive you home.

No questions asked.

Does Mom know about this?

Our secret. You cool with that?

Totally cool.

What's totally cool?

Jazz.

Sharks.

Jazz sharks?

Yeah, you know, the...

The basketball team.

Yeah, the Miami Jazz Sharks.

I guess that's cool.

Jazz sharks! Ooh! Yeah, I do like it.

She could look that up.

She's not going to.

Oh, hey, happy Valentine's Day, Trav.

For my present, I want you to give me the same thing you gave me when you were five: A kiss on the lips.

Raise your hand if you find that disturbing.

Only you, my friend.

Man, I can't believe all the stupid stuff we did when I was a kid.

It's amazing that we didn't die.

I almost drowned when I was 12 bodysurfing under the pier.

I was technically dead for, like, two minutes.

Luckily, no brain damage.

Too easy.

I know Travis thinks I'm over-protective, but that's all that parenting is, just trying to keep your kid from dying.

When he was a baby it was soft spots and swimming pools.

When he's 50, it'll be heart att*cks and Russian prostitutes.

No, I'm not joking. One got my uncle.

What happened?

Why are you in the ball of sadness?

To suck up to Roger Frank I said some really mean things about a nice person.

But you don't do stuff like that, I do.

That's why we're known as "the Nice Guy and the Other One."

You don't have to change who you are to get ahead, Andy. Who'd you trash?

Laurie.

Laurie?

You tricked me! Ball back up and think about what you just did!

Oh!

Are you mad because we're not hanging out tonight?

No, I'm good. All good in the hood.

Rhyme-five, but I'm not doing it with you, because you suck.

I'm glad you're not mad.

I know Valentine's Day is goofy.

It's just that I haven't spent one alone since I was 11.

That's when the girls showed up.

I've had 30 straight years of being a Valentine's Day winner, and, well, now I'm not.

And... that's why this one's gonna suck.

All right, let's see if this thing works.

Hello, Ellie!

Son of a bitch!

Did you know, in French "Valentine" means "to get buck naked?"

Would you like to see me Valentine, Doris?

You said there was free chicken.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hello?

I only had, like, three beers.

I wasn't gonna drink, but Dave Schoenburger went to Robotics Camp...

This some kind of nerd party?

No.

Dave brought out his beer-serving robot...

Hey, we've all been there, buddy.

We'll get your mom's car tomorrow.

I want you to sneak in the back while I create a distraction doing trash raccoons.

Trash raccoons?

Go, go, go!

Go, go!

[Inhaling]

I was married to your dad for 20 years.

You think I don't know trash raccoons?

Let me smell your breath.

Mm-mm.

Have you ever gone against everything you stand for just for money?

Many, many times.

Oh! Smith's dad told me what you said about me.

"Not classy, huh?"

I thought we were friends, Andy.

I am so sorry. You know what? Hit me. I deserve it.

Just not in the crotch 'cause I want to have another kid.

Ellie doesn't know, so don't say anything.

Go ahead. Wait, go ahead.

[Both laughing]

We're totally kidding, dude.

That was not a strong moment for you.

No, for him that was OK.

So we're... we're all good then?

Andy, I get that you're being all business-chummy with his dad.

I am so not offended. Plus, honey, I have been called way worse: Skank, tramp, white devil.

I liked that one so much I put it on my license plate.

Hey, Grayson, here's your bush.

Hey, honey.

Hi... Hey, babe.

You're grounded. No car and a curfew.

And say goodbye to your little swimsuit calendar.

Why?

It's not part of the punishment.

It's just obvious.

Dude, don't be that guy.

[Sighs] Whatever.

"Whatever?"

Did you just "whatever" me? Really?

Hey, how did you get home tonight?

Tell me you didn't drive.

[Slangy accent] I di'n't!

Then how did you get home?

[Garbage cans rattling]

Bobby!

Have I looked at these long enough for you to believe that I checked them over?

I didn't bring my reading glasses.

Very convincing, sir.

Excellent.

Let's seal the deal with a toast.

Uh, Mr. Frank, I need to clear the air about something.

I said some really mean things about the young woman your son is seeing and they aren't true.

Laurie is actually a great girl with a big heart, and you should be happy Smith is with her.

I'm waiting for the punch line.

[Nervous chuckle]

There is no punch line.

But I can only hope you'll respect me a little bit more for being truthful.

You're not even gonna let me finish my steak, are ya?

No.

Come on!

Sorry, Dad. Mom's gonna crush you.

Don't worry about it, OK?

Our deal still stands, you always call if you need me.

Thank you.

[Jules] Travis.

I need to talk to your dad.

Bobby, I cannot believe...

...we pulled this off. Oh, my God!

Your plan worked.

I stick to my rule, drinking equals massive punishment.

But if he does drink, I drive him home, keep him alive.

Wait. Doesn't he know you're always gonna rat him out to me before you go pick him up?

Nope. He thinks I'm his buddy.

Kid's a dope.

Bobby Cobb, you're a genius.

That's the first time you've called me a genius without being, like...

[sarcastic] "Way to go, genius."

Well, I think that this event, like any event in life, good or bad, calls for a glass of wine, OK?

Ooh, rain check, J-Bird. I got plans.

It's Valentine's Day, for God's sake.

I forgot.

[Mocking] "Valentine's Day. Ooh."

I felt so bad that I got you this.

It's gonna grow to be exactly like your old bush, you know, in a thousand years.

Until then, just consider it a friendly reminder that it's just much easier to do what I want you to do.

Thank you.

Oh! I got you something, too.

Oh. You're pretty proud of yourself, aren't you?

[Andy laughing]

It's beautiful!

Oh... Look at the sad girl with her silly sweater.

Come out here, I've got something to show you.

Merry Valentine's Day!

Look what you did!

I figured it wouldn't be so bad to spend tonight with a few friends.

Plus, Ellie's here.

You'll get yours, my friend.

And you...

I am so sorry I blew it.

I'm so proud of you. Don't tell anyone.

Now, who wants champagne?

[Travis] I do!

Get back in your room, Travis!

Thanks for doing this.

No problem.

[Jules laughs]

OK, time to get real. You don't like me and I don't like you, correct?

Absolutely.

I don't like him either.

Smith, don't disrespect your father.

It's not sexy.

Well, is this sexy?

What?

It is Valentine's Day, right?

[Gasping] Smith! Oh, my God!

No...

[gasping] It's tight.

I... I can't...

Dad?

It was just a joke!

I know. She warned me.

[Laughing]

Why?

I thought this would be funnier.

It totally was! Fist pound.

Nah. Are you hungry?