01x10 - Mystery Man

[bunniefuu]

[Dog barking]

[Ellie] Off!

Ah! I don't like you!

Why does everyone in this cul-de-sac think it's OK to let their stupid dogs run loose?

It's like Calcutta out there!

What are you doing?

Trying to round up any crap I can find to re-gift this Christmas.

Like this gem. Last year's present from Bobby's uncle.

r*cist Uncle or Drug Dealer Uncle?

r*cist Uncle.

Drug Dealer Uncle is now Prison Uncle.

Right, because of Detective Cousin.

I miss Bobby's family.

Morning.

Wow, if you're wondering, you're too comfortable.

It's hot, I'm gonna go hop in your pool.

Hey, you know what's funny?

Funny ha-ha and funny err?

I slept in a red T-shirt, and yet there's a bit of blue lint in here.

Don't you dare smell that.

Oh, good, now it's on my floor.

And no swimming.

Jules and I are going to spin class, you gotta take care of Stan.

So when he gets up, you gotta change his diaper and then get him dressed.

Don't think I could figure that out?

I really don't.

Fine. Oh, I love this. Can I have it?

Sure, but it counts as your Christmas present.

Deal. I am a saucy b*tch.

Bink!

Oh, Laurie's showing a house.

I have to remind her not to describe everything as "slammin'."

So, this room is totally slammin'.

[Phone beeping]

And by slammin', I mean great.

It's a great room.

I'm fine without all the "blah-blah."

I've already seen the house a few times.

A few times? I've got a few toe rings, I've got a few dads, I've been involved in a few domestic disputes.

You've seen this eight times.

That's officially a butt-load.

What, uh... What can I do to fix this?

Oh, OK, well...

No, I'm kidding. I don't care.

[Chuckling] Come on, Blah-Blah, show me that kitchen again, huh?

Come on, Blah-Blah. Come on.

Oh, it's crowded. Let's do that thing where we sit on the rowing machines without rowing and watch TV.

Oh, we can't.

I have my spinning outfit on, not my fake rowing outfit.

What's the difference?

Wristbands, thicker undies.

Morning, chicas.

Drink in my new outfit.

Barb, you look like a bobsledder.

Well, I have sledded down a few Bobs.

Hey, I see some new faces.

Dwayne's the best.

He's got a magical way of motivating people.

Oh?

Saddle up, you fat, lazy cows!

Try harder, Carol!

[Panting]

Ah! Isn't this great? Drinking a refreshing cup of joe on a boat.

Like we're in one of those fancy coffee commercials.

The old boat-in-a-parking-lot coffee commercial. Classic.

Whoa! A little pricklier than usual, Graystoke.

But you're still looking good, handsome.

God was not multi-tasking when he made you.

He wasn't building mountains, making chickens and what-not. He was focused.

How did we get here?

I don't know. Why you so down?

I have something on my mind and I don't wanna talk about it.

You know what might make you feel better?

My buddy put a chainsaw on the end of his r*fle, kind of like a bayonet.

What do you say we head down for a day of sh**ting things and slicing them up?

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm up for playing with someone's r*fle-saw.

r*fle-saw? That's a much better name for the saw-fle.

[Groaning] Spin Class Guy was so hot.

I wanted to be his bike seat.

Oh. Hey, you need to move because if this area is going to work again, it needs to sit.

[Yelping] That's not going to happen.

Oh, no way.

Travis, take me upstairs and put me in a hot bath.

That's a sentence I was hoping not to hear until you were 70.

Here's your boy. You want to check him over, make sure he's OK?

You want me to trust you more with Stan?

How about you take him today?

No instructions, nothing.

You really gonna trust me?

I really am. Bye.

Thanks, hon. That means a lot.

Aw, that was sweet.

[Andy] She didn't mean it though.

She wants to trust me, it's just not in her.

She's always going to freak out if I bathe him wrong or feed him wrong or pretend he's a top hat.

'Allo, guv'nor.

Incoming.

Forgot my purse.

Always look out for the purse.

They leave it behind like a little spy.

He called me "Blah-Blah." I swear to God, Jules, I would've k*lled him, but then we'd never sell, no one wants to buy a m*rder house.

Except for my older sister, Tina.

She regrets it now.

She says her house is haunted by a professor who turns her clothes inside out and steals yogurt.

Sometimes Tina lies for attention, but this time, I don't know, I believe her.

There is just too much proof.

I'm gonna take a giant leap back to the first sentence you said.

Look, Jeff is annoying, but we're in the service business.

You know, one of the things I've learned as an award-winning real estate agent...

You talking about that "Green Business" certificate we got for changing our light bulbs?

It's an award.

The point is, we don't let our clients rattle us.

Oh! Jeff always rattles you.

No, he used to.

Then my shrink told me to think of him as a tiny little man, who wears tiny little pants, who sometimes twirls a tiny little cane in his tiny little hand.

Your shrink sounds amazing.

He's a genius.

So, now, Tiny Pants can do whatever he wants to, because all I do is think about my commission with a smile on my face.

The house feels empty.

That could be because it actually is empty.

Maybe. You look bored.

Go play with your phone.

Is she allowed to talk?

I don't encourage it.

If I'm gonna buy this place, I want to see how it feels with my furniture in here. Let's do that.

Did he just order me to do something by waving his hand?

Tiny pants, Jules, tiny pants.

Right.

What?

Oh, nothing. Just...

In my head you have on tiny pants.

These are big pants.

In my head they're tiny.

They're not.

Yeah, it does seem impossible, Jules.

Those are pretty big pants.

They're tiny because in my head Jeff is very tiny!

No, I'm, I'm big in your head.

I'm like a giant.

Don't you dare tell me what the size of things are in my head!

I call the sh*ts up here.

Yeah, this is Jules' world.

You can't get in here, which means you can't get to me. Is that clear?

Big pants, big belt, big shirt, big shoes.

All right, that's it! You can't buy the house! Because I won't let you!

I'm gonna buy the house and I'm gonna burn it! I'm gonna burn it all!

Are you finished?

Yeah.

Let's go see the kitchen again.

Please.

Jeff thinks he's in my head.

He is so not in my head.

Oh, of course not.

Is that Spin Class Boy?

[Gasping] Oh, my God! He must be a jeans model for that cheesy store.

Or he loves his body and lives his life shirtless no matter what anyone thinks.

Like Matthew McConaughey.

Oh, how fun would it be to go to a movie with a guy like that?

He would look so great at a movie.

So go ask him out.

Oh, I can't.

He's way too young for me.

That pause was so one of you'd jump in and say, "No, he's not."

Fine. [scoffs]

He is young, but, um, I can sense from here that he's an old soul.

I can too.

Well, there you go.

I have to make a call.

Stan's fine. Quit checking up on me.

I know how to take care of our son.

[Chuckles]

OK, love you.

[Clicks]

Hello?

What is this?

It's a play area I built for Stan, so I can take a nap.

That's a baby cage.

It's a play area.

I need you to keep an eye out for Ellie.

There's 20 bucks in it for you.

Feels wrong.

Grow a pair. It's totally safe.

Except for the glass table.

Oh, you're right.

He might try to fight his reflection.

I'd like to see that.

[Groaning]

[Door bell ringing]

What? I rang the bell.

Yeah, most people still wait to be let in.

Sounds like a time-waster.

Look, you're my friend, and I wanna know what's bugging you.

I still don't wanna talk about it.

When I was married, you wanna know what Jules always said to me?

"Please stop sleeping with other women?"

She said when men say they don't want to talk about something, it means that they do want to talk.

They just don't wanna be vulnerable.

I just want you to leave me alone.

But you're a man. How do I know that's what you really want?

It is a pickle.

[Chuckles] I know.

You really are a space invader.

[Barking]

Whoa!

What the hell?

That's my bad, I left your door open.

There are dogs in my house!

Fine, but after I get them out, we're finishing this. Come on, guys. Come on.

Come on, here we go, come on.

Open till seven. All right, I'm gonna make note of that.

Hi, aren't you in my spin class?

Yeah. I'm Ryan.

Hi, Ryan.

I almost named my son Ryan.

Not that I have a son. Which I do.

She's not doing bad.

Usually when she gets nervous she pulls out her finger g*ns.

Whoop, there they are.

[Imitates blasting sounds, giggles]

Make it stop. Just make it stop.

Jules! Put the g*ns away!

He's gonna call.

Ah, so you gave him your number?

[Imitates blasting sounds]

[Groans]

[Stan coos]

Nice baby cage.

Not a baby cage. It's a play area.

There.

And now he can drink any time he wants.

Like a gerbil.

G-Man, I brought you over here to prove a point.

Now, no matter how hard it is, friends share things.

Andy, tough share, right now.

Uh, this is not my real nose.

Boom. Trav, you're up.

Pass.

Fine, I'll go.

Just yesterday my little dudes got rejected from a sperm bank.

Turns out that the lion's share can't swim for beans.

It might be because, on your boat, you use your microwave as a stool.

Heats me up nice on a cold night.

Now it's your turn. Spill it.

No thanks.

Here it comes. That is the coolest thing I have ever seen.

Aw, he loves it!

[Laughing]

OK, this is the house at night.

It's very similar to the house at day.

Only darker and my feet hurt so I'm wearing slippers.

Is that why you're smaller?

Or am I just making you tiny in my head?

OK, my new therapist told me, do not engage with you.

Well, this won't be long, I have to meet, uh, what's-her-name for tapas.

Jeff, why aren't you buying this house, hmm?

It is perfect for you.

It's like a sex castle.

There's plenty of closet space for all your condoms and body sprays.

Plus, in the morning, there's a huge shower in the master to wash away all your shame.

You're single.

You telling me you're not playing around with some young guy?

Well, I do have a date tomorrow with a slightly younger fellow.

Would you like to tell me what he does for a living?

I would not.

Jules, just own it. It's so freeing.

He's a topless jeans model.

He one of the average-looking guys they keep inside, or one of the studs they parade out front?

Out front.

Ah!

[Barking]

Stay away from me! I'm not your friend!

You don't own this neighborhood!

[Gasping]

Wake up! Wake up! She's here!

[Grunting] Wha?

Oh!

Here. Here. Act awake.

Hey! There she is!

Did you miss us?

A little. What's that?

It's a fort.

Hm.

Jeff, you have seen this house ten times.

You love it, you hate it.

I don't even care anymore.

Best sales pitch ever.

Look, the place is perfect.

But nobody wants to be that creepy 40-year-old who lives alone in a big house.

Hm... I get that. Yeah, I don't like to be alone in my house.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when my son goes off to college.

He's not big on the idea of us getting an apartment, though I said I'd only live there on the weekends.

Well, he's missing out. My mom and I roomed together when I was in college, and it was an amazing experience.

Really?

Yeah. We spooned at night and took baths together.

I don't regret a thing. [chuckles]

Do you enjoy mocking me?

For some reason, more than anything.

Wow, you are really close.

This only works if I'm close.

So... Is it better than your mom?

It's tough to beat Mom.

I've had some time to think about what you did, and I don't like it.

It's been 30 seconds.

Yeah, and a lot's changed.

Now, I'm mad.

Nobody likes a sneak kiss, Jeff.

Especially during flu season.

You kissed back pretty hard.

I was trying to push you away with my mouth.

Stop over-thinking everything.

All right, I'm really not a fan of people telling me what to do.

Just shush for a second.

Shushing, on the other hand, gets my panties right off.

Seriously. Bam. Just like that.

OK, look, since I'm courting you, I'll let you be in control for a second. Ready?

Ready.

I'd like to see if there's something real between us.

What do you say?

So I told him he was an arrogant jerk, I re-did my lipstick, and I left.

Good. So forget him and go have fun with Spin Class Jeans Boy.

I will forget about him. And I will have fun with Spin Class Jean Boy.

[Dog whimpering]

Why is there a dog in my house?

Hm! My fault. Keep forgetting to close doors. Come on!

[Whistling]

[Barking]

Hey, where's the baby cage?

Ellie was a little suspicious, so I had to devise a new system.

See, Stan's an explorer, like Magellan or Dora.

So I've given him 18 feet of slack and removed all sharp objects so he can wander safely in any direction.

It's pretty taut right now, so I'm guessing he's in the kitchen.

I can't decide if you're a really good dad, or a really bad one.

I am both, and I am neither.

Hey, G-Man.

We're not open for business yet.

You and me are open for business.

Today's the day you spill the beans.

Why won't you listen to me?

I feel like if I told you this coffee pot was scalding hot, you'd still touch it right away.

Now, you obviously know I wanna be left alone, but you just plow through every signal I give you. It...

You lied, man, this ain't hot.

Just leave. Please.

Fine. All right.

Look, I just thought that we'd gotten to be so close that, if you were ever hurtin', I'd be your go-to guy, but guess I was wrong.

You really trying to make me feel bad?

Because it's not working.

Yes, it is.

[Door opening, closing]

[Up-tempo music plays]

So what do you think of this place?

Well, I like the way the floor really grips my shoes.

Plus it smells kind of good in here. Tangy.

I'll go get us some beers.

Great.

Bring us nachos or we're not making out later.

How do you know Ryan's friend?

Those are the first words I've ever spoken to him. Are you OK?

You seem a little mopey.

No, this is fun.

I mean, Ryan is super pretty, plus, he's not at all afraid of cologne.

And it's only been 20 minutes, but I've learned so much about the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Let's cross our fingers that his application gets accepted this year.

You wanna k*ll yourself, don't you?

So badly.

Lunch time. Reel him in.

[Mumbles] OK.

All right. Come to papa, big boy.

Strong like his daddy.

[Grunting]

Ah!

Oh, hey, sweetie, you're home.

I'm gonna go decide what your consequences are.

Sounds like a plan.

Plus, I don't want Stan to witness the m*rder of his father.

That's how Batman became Batman.

Shut up.

I should have had fun with Spin Class Jean Boy, I just couldn't.

Yeah, I think you dodged a b*llet.

After you left I went back to his apartment with him and his friend.

They spent most of the time making out with each other.

Oh, I would've liked to see that.

It was pretty hot.

I tried to get in there, but they weren't having it.

You know this is about that guy Jeff, right?

If I had a connection with Jeff, I'd dive in.

You wanna know how I see it?

No.

You're not diving in because there is a connection.

Ooh!

It's quiet time for you.

This guy, Jeff, is not some young bisexual jeans model.

He's a grown-up, and that makes it real.

I don't think Ryan was bi.

I'm not ready for something real.

Like, real means getting hurt.

Am I in a different conversation?

Almost always.

Jules, don't blow this because you're scared.

Stupid.

Oh, OK.

[Scoffing]

Hey, man. Is this a bad time?

Yeah, I'm doing something important.

[Laughing]

That was a good one.

What's shaking?

My ex-wife had her baby.

Boy or girl?

Boy. She named him Tristan.

You really wanted kids, didn't you?

More than anything.

That is heavy stuff.

[Chuckling] Honestly, I'm a little uncomfortable right now.

Me too.

I'm still glad you told me, though.

Actually I wanted to talk about it the whole time.

I know, brother. You want a beer?

I want a thousand beers.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Tristan is a stupid name.

No doubt.

All right, I'm ready. Bring the pain.

You know what? Maybe you're too easygoing with Stan, and I'm too neurotic.

Still, I think that balance is what makes us work well as parents.

We're a team, and so I'm just going to let this one go.

That's nice.

Why is Stan wearing a hat?

He loves it.

It's his hatty-hat-hat.

Oh...

Huh? Oh, oh!

[Gasping]

Is that a cut?

It's not my fault.

I was coming back from Jules' and I got spooked by a dog, and fell into some bushes.

On your watch!

[Laughing]

You realize you're celebrating your son being hurt?

Is he hurt badly?

No, it's just a scratch.

Uh-huh! Suck it!

You wanted to talk to me?

Yes.

I realized that I have never pointed out that this room has exposed beams.

What are you doing?

I'm nervous so I need to go through the ritual of showing you the house.

Fine, OK. Tell me about the place.

Well, these are the original hardwood floors, and, uh...

You know what? I'm better.

Hold still.

OK, not completely still.

That's weird.

Sorry. I'm... I'm nervous too.

Be nice to me, OK?

I will.

Good.

OK, I was feeling a little cocky, so I got I had someone drop me off.

You wanna take me to dinner?

[Groaning]

What?

What's-her-name is in my car.

Unbelievable.

Come on.

We'll break up with her together.

OK, fine.

But I am not riding in the back.

Well, you guys can discuss that. Yeah?

Hey, you guys ready?

Hell, yeah.

Let's do this.

One, two, three.

[All grunting]

OK, one, two, three.

[All groaning]

[Giggling] Whoo-hoo!

Slower than I thought, but still fun.

You wanna go next?

No.

Your loss. Ha, ha!

Oh! Ow! Door jamb! Mother!

Whoo-hoo!

[Dogs whining]

[Barking]

I'm surrounded by dogs and idiots.