01x08 - Two Gunslingers

[bunniefuu]

Could you not pick your feet?

Honey, they're, like, right next to my head.

What? This is not the grossest thing that's happening at this beach right now.

Those two are obviously having sex.

Oh!

And that boy's parents don't think he needs to wear a bathing suit even though he seems to be about 14.

I hate Europeans.

I can't believe I'm gonna be 41 on Saturday.

I mean, that's in your 40s.

Hey, let's play a game.

I'm gonna say a number, and you stop me when you think it's an age that I can pass for.

Ready?

Yeah.

34. 35. 36.

36. 36?

All right. Stupid game.

I don't want to play.

Cheer up. For your birthday I'm taking you to that new french restaurant.

Oh, yeah. And then after you put ol' big hat to bed, you and I are going dancing at Oasis.

Honey, just don't wear any red.

They have a tiny g*ng v*olence problem.

I can't believe you're forcing me to make separate plans with each of you.

Going swimming.

Frank, Shanna, hi!

Long time no see.

Yeah.

Such a long time.

Anyway, see you around.

When Bobby and I were married, we were kind of friends with the Millers.

They were so weird. Do you think it was because of the divorce?

It could be. Or it could be that when your swimsuit is wet, it's so see-through, I can count the individual goose bumps on your nerps.

[gasps]

Why do they even sell white bathing suits?

Are you sure they noticed?

[both speaking indistinctly]

Pretty sure.

I wouldn't wait for her results to come in.

Mnh-mnh.

I'd get on antibiotics now.

I'll have you know that Summer is a student.

Today is her third day of massage school.

[chuckles]

Wish I could take that back.

But you can't.

Mommy, if that lady slept over at Mr. Ellis' house, does that mean they're in love?

Oh, well, he loves parts of her, sweetie.

Ha ha.

[indistinct conversations]

Oh, good. Shanna, hi.

I'm so sorry about yesterday.

I had a little headlight incident.

They know.

What did you think would happen with a white swimsuit?

In the catalog, the model was coming out of the water, and it looked fine, but she was also wearing high heels and was on a motorcycle, so...

It's okay, Jules.

Besides, it's typical.

Typical?

Ever since you got divorced, we've noticed the short skirts, the 28-year-old boyfriend.

28 ½, and we broke up.

His mom told me.

She's in my church group.

Let's go, girls.

"Let's go, girls"? What is this, some weird mom g*ng?

When did Shanna get to be so mean?

That catty witch is just jealous 'cause you're a 41-year-old hottie who can pass for 38.

I believe we agreed on 36.

Oh.

I just don't want to be in this stupid town for my birthday.

Everybody talks about everything.

I just want to go somewhere where no one knows who I am and I could just let loose and not be judged.

How about that new beach resort on Siesta Key?

Yes!

No.

Come on!

We can all share a suite, and then we can make plans to rent bikes and -- and kayaks and paddleboards and then never do any of it.

I wouldn't share a suite with Trampolina here if they gave away free lipo with a continental breakfast.

Ditto. I'd rather go bald.

It's my birthday, so suck it up.

Come on.

How fun would a road trip be?

Fun.

So much fun.

Oh, please try harder.

Fun!

So much fun!

Thank you.

Okay, your dad convinced some tourist that he's a hunting guide.

So not only can he not watch you this weekend, but there's a pretty good chance he's gonna end up dead in the woods.

Well, I am 18. Don't need a babysitter.

Look, I was your age.

I know the kind of stuff I did when my parents went away.

Yeah, I know where this is going, okay?

Your cautionary tales always end up with you giving birth to me.

It was the happiest day of my life.

Damn straight.

I can check in on the kid if you promise to stop hassling me about the girls I bring home.

Yeah, I can't do it.

Mm.

Well, I guess I could probably stop for, like, three days.

Deal. I wonder how many I can cycle through the abode in three days.

I'm guessing, like, seven.

Lucky, lucky girls.

Psst.

Okay, so here's the plan.

Do not come over to my house.

If the house is on fire, you may knock once.

If I don't answer, assume I set the fire, and I want to burn to death.

You're a neat kid.

[door closes]

Oh, when Bobby and I went camping for one week, all we brought was bug spray, matches and a coffee cake.

You guys are going away for one night, right?

What's your point, v-neck?

I took all our pillows.

Great.

All right, ready, ladies?

Yep.

Road trip.

Whoo!

Enjoy your stay at Playa del Roca.

Thank you, Trent from Tallahassee.

You know, we're here celebrating my 34th birthday.

Do you find that to be a believable statement?

Could have been a $20, Trent.

Someone's going to believe I'm 34 if it kills me.

I thought we agreed on 36.

Mm. At home I'd be happy with a 36, maybe even a solid 38.

But that's regular Jules.

Here, I'm resort Jules.

And resort Jules is fun, and she's crazy, and she refers to herself in the third person like a professional athlete.

Yeah.

Ooh! I call the bed to herself by the window!

How are you already naked?

What? I was changing, and I got sidetracked by bed choice.

Well, of course it's your bed now that you have your tramp stink all over it.

Jules, did you hear her?

b*tch, I am a lady.

You know what I want for my birthday?

For us all to get along.

This weekend we're gonna be like Thelma and Louise and Louise.

You know, they die at the end of that movie.

You watch. You're gonna end up being friends.

Playa del Roca is a magical place.

Ew! There's a dead lizard in the toilet!

[flushes]

[singsong voice] Bye, Ellie!

[normal voice] I named him.

I hate her.

Oh, man, isn't this fun?

I'm eating bacon in a bikini.

Hey, take a picture of me eating bacon in a bikini.

Arch your back and stick out your chest. and say... [singsong voice] "Classy!"

Regular Jules would never do this, but resort Jules says "Say hello to Tanya and her slightly smaller twin Tina."

(chuckles)

(camera shutter clicks)

(door closes)

Did you just give him the "Hit that" nod?

I did.

Jules said no girls in the house.

She won't find out.

Jules always finds out.

You know, I babysat Travis once when he was 12, and I may or may not have let him watch "9½ Weeks."

Somehow Jules found out.

And then all of a sudden, her brownies started having pecans in them, which is kind of weird 'cause I'm allergic to pecans, and Jules knows that.

It was like, I don't know, she was trying to k*ll me.

But that's just silly, right?

I'm -- I'm paranoid.

Whoo! Weirdo, right?

That's just silly.

(chuckles)

This is why we don't hang out more.

Okay, tough guy.

Magazine sex quiz.

"Is it okay to have sex in a limo before your prom?"

Oh, that's a big no.

I get nauseous riding sideways.

Ooh! [singsong voice] You guys, check out the hotties.

[speaking indistinctly]

[normal voice]

Should we invite 'em over?

No! That's the reason I got a cabana -- to avoid men with barbed wire tattoos.

Those are my people.

Of course they are.

She doesn't realize this is the real fun --

You know, sittin' here all by ourselves doin' nothing.

You want to invite them over, don't you?

No.

But resort Jules does.

[lowers voice]

She has bad judgment.

Fine.

(laughter)

Isn't this fun?

No fire here. See ya.

Your mom said no girls.

I'm sorry, young lady, you've gotta go.

It -- it's okay.

I'll just get my stuff.

Do you know what her stuff is?

It's flavored lip gloss and an oversized t-shirt for when she gets, and I quote, "tired and snuggly."

What are you doing to me, dude?

Resort Jules brought all the things that she's afraid to wear at home.

So...farmer's daughter or...where is it?

Ah. Whitesnake video?

[laughs] Well, I get to pick what we do next, and trust me, it's not gonna matter what you wear.

Why?

Oh, no.

Mmm!

There is nothing better than drinking champagne topless in a hot tub.

Am I right?

Too soon to tell.

Come on, Jules. Have a drink.

You'll loosen up.

Ellie, pour some champagne into my mouth.

There you go, sweetie.

Mmm. Mmm.

Come on, grandma, lose the top.

You're making Jules self-conscious.

Yeah, lose the top.

Pipe down, man boobs.

Laurie, honey, it's not Ellie that's making me feel self-conscious.

You see the nice gentleman over here?

Jim.

Well, Jim hasn't had his hands above the water since he got in, and now someone's toes are interlocking with my toes.

[chuckles]

I think I'm gonna head back to my room.

Whoopty-whoo, your boobs are out. Big deal.

Why do you have to ruin everything?

If you'd just gone along with it, it could have been fun.

You know that.

Not all fun things revolve around being topless.

[scoffs]

And if we're keeping score, you ruined the cabana by filling it with Phi Beta herpes.

Right, moobs?

I hate being around you.

[gasps]

How could you say that? Good.

Snob.

Skank.

b*tch.

Whore.

Kiss!

Bye, Travis.

Bye, Kylie.

Tonight was going to be the night.

(door opens and closes)

Look, sex is supposed to be an emotional connection between two people --

Are you really giving me the "sex should be special" speech?

Tell me, how was it special with the girl who puked in your mailbox or the girl who says she doesn't wear shoes because they feel too shoes-y?

"Shoes-y" is a word.

Look, I -- I'm sorry to d-block you, man, but what's done is -- is -- is done.

It's not a big deal.

I wasn't gonna get anywhere with Kylie anyway.

Sure you were, man. She, uh, she seemed pretty into you.

Yeah, it's not that.

It's just that...

I don't think I like girls.

Oh, y --

All girls?

(cell phone rings)

Andy?

Hey, Jules, happy birthday.

Thanks.

Just want to let you know that Travis is pretending to come out to Grayson to mess with his head.

I remember Halloween when I was 11.

My friend Eric wore this Superman costume, and when I saw those red tights, I was...I felt this feeling like...like butterflies, but hot butterflies, you know?

[laughs] I love when Travis does that.

Oh, my god!

I gotta call you back.

[cell phone shuts, beep]

Where is that mouthy waitress with our change?

[scoffs]

Well, she probably thought that extra 40 cents was a tip.

[lowered voice] Frank!

[lowered voice]

Jules. Why are you here?

Are you trying to ruin my marriage?

It is my birthday.

What are you doing here?

Well, I had to take Shanna someplace nice because of yesterday.

[whispers]

You are a touchy subject!

[lowered voice] Okay, look, a couple of years ago --

It was weird.

Shanna got all sweet, okay?

She gets sweet, and then she says to me, "Frank, "if I was to die, which one of my friends would you, "you know?" You know.

And you picked me?

[whispers] Yes.

What were you thinking?

[normal voice]

That's my mojito.

[slurps]

Now every time you have sex, Shanna thinks you're seeing my face.

No. I always see her face.

[whispers]

I sometimes see your legs.

Well, you didn't tell her that, did you?

Oh, Frank, you're killin' me!

Shanna's here.

[gasps]

What?! No way!

Yes way. It is like I am some sort of b*tch magnet.

No offense.

None taken. You okay?

Well, I started to fall apart, but then resort Jules borrowed a stranger's inhaler and picked herself back up.

And I still get to have a kick-ass birthday because Frank and Shanna aren't gonna be around.

Frank's gonna take her into town for some dinner, and they're gonna go back to their room and watch a porno.

[both] Ugh!

I know. Well, if I had to hear it, so do you.

Okay, so who's in? Dinner and dancing -- let's hit it.

Actually, you're just having dinner with me.

Yeah, and then after you put Queen Buzzkill to bed, you and I are going out for some real fun.

Are you serious?

You know what? Screw you both.

Jules, we were just thinking --

Jules, we just thought that maybe --

No. I don't want to hear it.

I'm gonna go out on my own.

I'm gonna have a great time.

You know, it's my birthday.

I'm 34.

Really?

I'm 34.

Great.

[under breath] b*tch.

Hey, everyone, it's my birthday!

And even though my friends are jerks, the next round's on me.

I'll take some potato skins.

There's no potato skins.

You can buy me a drink.

Oh! Trent from Tallahassee.

Wow, you're even cuter out of your uniform.

I'm gay.

Just go with it, Trent.

Come on. I'm trying to scrape together a fantasy here.

If I can be resort Jules, then you can be straight Trent.

I was straight Trent for 16 years.

Mm. Great.

What's another hour, hmm?

Oh, my gosh.

I ruined Jules' birthday.

No, I did.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I don't even know why she likes me.

Come on. You're her biggest cheerleader.

You're always pushing her to do new stuff.

I just hold her back.

Please! You two have all this shared history.

I mean, you gained and lost 10 pounds with her during her divorce.

I would never do that.

I get stretch marks from snoring too hard.

You make it too easy to judge you.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, while we wait for Jules to come back, do you think it'd be okay if we drank some champagne?

Jules would want that.

Do you think she's having any fun?

[Leona Naess] * Who knows what I really will hear *

♪ What I really will say, what I really will feel? ♪

You look fab, by the way.

[chuckles] Straight guys don't say "fab," Trent.

Get it together, dude.

You know, I feel weird that we're the only ones dancing...

[sniffs] And that we're wearing the same perfume.

Think I'm gonna call it a night.

All right, that's it.

Just hold on.

♪ The night is the brightest ♪
♪ Who knows what I really will hear ♪
♪ What I really will say, what I really will feel? ♪
♪ Who knows what you really will hear ♪
♪ What you really will say, what you really will feel? ♪

Wow.

I know you're just pretending, but maybe later we could --

Still gay.

Okay. All right.

You're cute, though.

Okay.

♪ The night is ♪
♪ The brightest ♪

[sighs] I'm sorry to throw all this on you.

No, it's okay.

I'm -- I'm glad you chose me to come out to, even though we barely know each other.

I mean, it's just so scary.

Neil Patrick Harris has paved some new ground, But... [sighs]

I don't know.

Travis, it's gonna be all right.

Has anybody ever told you how soothing your voice is?

Not today, no.

Ahh.

Frank!

Jules.

You're supposed to be in your room watching porn.

We already did.

Oh. that makes this even more gross.

Are you naked?

A little.

Shanna!

This is the craziest story.

[laughs] I bet.

I bet. Do you have any self-respect?

Are you talking to him or me?

I'm gonna go.

Good night, Frank.

Don't talk to him.

You're pathetic.

Wow. I don't know what you're getting so angry about, Shanna.

Maybe you're feeling a little trapped in your own life.

Maybe it's Frank's weird new mustache. I don't know.

But you gotta stop picking on me, okay?

You're being too mean.

So you don't think you've done anything wrong?

Nope.

I wonder if everyone back home will agree.

Nobody likes gossip, Shanna.

Yeah, they do.

You're right.

They really do.

I have to pee.

Hold it.

(door closes)

There's our birthday girl!

You're wet.

Sit on her bed!

(sighs)

What's wrong now?

Shanna was so mean to me.

Mean?

To you?

Shah-na?

It's Shanna.

Nobody cares.

You're messing with our friend, and we feel like we need to respond.

Here's the deal. If you ever say anything about Jules to anyone ever again, Mongo here is gonna beat the living crap outta ya.

Seriously, I fight all the time.

She will hold your arms, and I will beat you until your spanx are the only thing holding your torso together.

Have the best evening.

Really enjoy it.

Good times with you, Shah-na.

[sighs deeply]

What?

Your mustache is stupid.

I want a divorce.

No.

♪♪

I mean, the thing is, sometimes when Kylie wears her jazz dance outfit, she looks really pretty to me, but then it's... Oh, God.

I don't know. What the hell?

Am I some kind of freak?

No, you're not a freak, okay?

Sexuality is confusing.

[sighs]

If it makes you feel better, one time at my cousin Ben's lake house, we were talking about kissing girls.

We were, I don't know, 8... maybe 12.

Anyway, he had -- he had long hair, kind of like a girl.

We, um, practiced kissing on each other...

One time.

With your cousin Ben?

Yeah.

That is interesting information.

Hey!

Hey!

You ready to go to the movie?

Yeah, let's roll.

I warned you not to mess with me.

[door opens and closes]

If it makes you feel any better, he got me to march in two Pride parades with him.

Oh, boy.

Thanks for buying us all matching fat pants from the gift shop.

Whoo!

[all] Fatties!

It was the best 800 bucks I ever spent.

[laughs] You crack me up.

Wait. You just said something nice to her.

Well, when you were gone, we talked, and, well, we bonded a little.

Really?

Did you know that when we were kids, we both had horses?

I did. How did I not use that before?

I mean, all horse people love each other.

Sometimes it just takes a crappy night for two people to realize how close they already are.

[gasps] Aw, buddy.

This is fake!

Ohh! I told you she wouldn't buy it.

[sighs]

Jules, I tried, but come on. She named her horse Limp Bizkit!

Because he rocked!

He rocked.

So this is the way it's always going to be with my two best friends?

Bingo.

Right. That's right.

Oh, wow.

Oh, it doesn't matter.

We'll always have your back.

We will kick ass and take names.

Thank you.

[knock on door]

You requested turndown service?

Yeah, just hand over the chocolates.

Hey, did you know today is my 34th birthday?

Happy birthday.

Oh!

[door closes]

Whoo-hoo!

This was the best birthday... [cheering] ever!

[chanting] 34! 34! 34! 34! 34!