01x04 - They Came Before Elon

[bunniefuu]

♪ Head above water
I'm making a way ♪

♪ It's the first of the month
And the bills ain't paid ♪

♪ I'm saying
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Yeah
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Keep my family close
Pick me up when I'm low ♪

♪ Help me down on this road
And I'mma bring us back home again ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times
Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ And today I'mma get out my way, Momma ♪

♪ They try to spray
But the spirit kept me safe, Momma ♪

♪ Again
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Yeah
Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Hustling to survive
I'm just doing my job ♪

♪ Feds be blocking my shine
But the sun always rises here ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Tmes
Yeah ♪

♪ Man, this feeling's like Good Times ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Reggie grunting]

Mo'Nique, I only watch
The Parkers for you, baby.

My wife? What wife? Baby, it's you and me.

Let me braid that hair on your legs.
[chuckling]

[Reggie screaming]

What the hell? Bev, help!
Beverly, get up, baby.

It's the Rapture! Help!

Oh, no. Grab on to one of Mo'Nique's
ol' hairy legs and have her save you.

No. I'm drowning for real.
And you know we don't have life insurance.

I'm going under!

Oh, my sweet Jesus!

[gasping] I don't think
I'm gonna make it, baby.

I have 20 in silver dollars
in my dress socks.

Use that to give me a proper burial.

And use them Popeyes coupons
for my repast.

Celebrate my life!

[dramatic music playing]

[Beverly inhales deeply]

I can't believe this.

Me either. Wait a minute.
I didn't know you could swim.

And by the way, let's keep
that "saving me" thing to yourself.

Reggie, you don't have to be embarrassed
that I saved your life.

I'm the man.
I'm supposed to do the saving around here.

Yeah, 20 whole dollars.

Ugh, now I gotta call ol' Delphine.

For what? She's so lazy
homeless people give her money.

As the building president, it's her job
to ensure floods don't happen.

Well, it happened.

There's so much water in here
the roaches are baptizing each other.

Delphine, it's Beverly Evans.
And we woke up to flooding.

Ugh. How high is the water?

Any higher,
and our apartment is a community pool.

Hmm. Okay, I'mma put you on the waitlist.

Waitlist?

The tenants
that aren't behind in their rent

get taken care of first priority.

So, pay your rent,

and you can move up the list
to a less damp apartment.

Until then, you gonna have to...

♪ Keep your head above water ♪

Because we're behind on our rent,
she put us on a waiting list.

What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna open a window
so I can free Willy.

[Willie mimicking dolphins]

[harmonizing music playing]

[roaches screech]

This is no way to live.

How are we gonna get
all this water out of here?

No need to worry.
We got something more powerful than Drano.

See, all we gotta do
is stick Grey's face into the water.

Oh, yeah? Spell H2O.

Give me a hint.

Knock it off, you two.

Hey, baby, come get your breakfast
before it gets soggy... er.

Pour it into a cup.

I'm going to work early
so I can fix this mess.

I can call Delphine again.

To hell with Delphine!

My job as the man of this house
is to take care of this family,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

I don't need help from anyone.

Now, Beverly, help me swim to the door
so I can go to work, please.

[elevator dings]

Going up, fat boy?

I hit the down button.

I'm shocked. Something you tried to do

didn't work out the way
you thought it would?

Not you, pimp.

I don't have time for this.
And I need no sh*t from no baby criminal.

And I don't need a deadbeat dad with gout.

Whatever. You don't think you need me,
but you will.

Ha, in your dreams, bruh.

[rap music playing]

[engine revving, brakes screeching]

g*dd*mn you, Robotaxi!
You driverless bastard!

You snooze, you lose,
you feckless f*ck. Google it.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[upbeat music playing]

[machine powering up, beeping]

[cyber beeping]

Ha! I b*at you!

Go stick a plug in your ass,
you toaster oven.

Keep that same energy
next time I see you. Vroom.

To Hyde Park, please.

[Reggie] Right away.

[moaning, groaning]

Oh, my kneecap!

That's what happens
when you have a knee-jerk response

to me whupping your ass.

[yelling] Jesus, some savior you are.

You must be white
the way you keep screwing me over.

My wife prays to you every day,
and for what?

To have our apartment flooded?
You at least gave Noah a boat!

[Reggie] I don't appreciate you making
my wife get on her knees every day.

Mezus, what's up with this guy?
He's k*lling my vibe.

Ha, he'll just keep cursing me
until I do something.

[breathing in deeply]

Fine. I'll just do it. I'm just...

[Reggie] What kind of savior are you?

[hip hop music playing]

Nope, it's not a mirage.
It's a real live customer.

Hey, just so you know, I'm a human driver.

That's cool.

[Reggie] I'm also Black.
We might get pulled over by the cops

and beaten for no reason.

But they'll just be b*ating you.
I'm fine with that.

True. I'm surprised you don't mind
real hands driving you on the road.

[man laughing] Of course I don't.
That's why I flagged you down.

I created those driverless,
heartless cars, and I...

[gasping] You're Elon Musk!

Really? Elon Musk?

Yeah, this should be fun.

Sorry. I always said if I met the man
that made them damn cars,

I'd do that, but go on.

I wish somebody
would've slapped me long ago.

Look, Elon. No hands or humans,
no problems. Bitch. [laughing]

See?

I know all about
creating things that betray you.

I got three damn kids.

And you drive this car

which smells of fried chicken
and baby sh*t just to make a living?

That's the Evans way.

Tell me more about this Evans way.

Heh, but you on the clock now.

It all started
with my great-grandfather Dalton.

He grew up
during the Civil Rights movement

and discovered the best way to combat
racism and arguments with his wife

by drinking.

Then there's my grandfather, James Evans.

He survived the '70s
by selling a story about his life to CBS.

But, no matter what,
loved his wife and his kids.

Four generations,
and I plan to keep that legacy alive

with my beautiful wife, Beverly.

Her mac and cheese
will make you smack your mama.

Then there's my daughter, Grey,
who's smart as a whistle.

And my son, Junior, who's too dumb
to even spell the word whistle,

but he's a really good painter.

- And there's another?
- But he ain't worth bringing up.

Damn, there's traffic.
Sorry, Elon. It's gonna be a minute.

Not for the second-richest man
in the world.

Turn down this alleyway.

Let's go.

[soft music playing]

You gentrified the underground railroad?

Damn, we can't have nothing.

That's nothing.
Wait until we pass the alien ship.

[Reggie] This is your house?

It's a smart house that's capable
of doing anything you ask of it.

But to tell you the truth,
I miss the human touch.

I miss connection.

I don't know what kinda underground
freaky alien sh*t you're used to,

but my connection stop
when the meter does.

What? No!

Well, of course,
there's always freaky alien sh*t,

but I was talking about human connection.

Talking to you has made me miss

just having a conversation
with a regular person.

Reggie, will you be my driver?

Wait, on some
Driving Miss Daisy-type sh*t?

Nah, I can't go out like that.

I am offering you a position.
Director of Transportation.

And it pays one thousand dollars a week.

Where to, sir?

To the pool house.

[piano music playing]

Hey, family. I'm home.

And look what I got.
Fancy cheap leather driving gloves.

We're in here living like mermaids,

but you can buy
fancy cheap driving gloves?

Now I can.

You're looking at
the new billionaire driver

for trillionaire Mr. Elon Musk.

Does this mean
we are moving out of these projects?

You're damn right. We moving on up!

Working for Elon Musk is a mistake.
He's a danger to society.

Just 'cause the man has a few flaws
doesn't mean he's a bad person.

You might say I shouldn't listen

to R. Kelly music
or watch The Cosby Show no more.

You shouldn't.

That's what's wrong with your generation.

You wanna cancel someone
over the slightest thing.

Elon wants us all over for dinner,

and I won't let
your woke ass ruin it for us.

- Dinner?
- That's right.

And all y'all better behave.

Beverly, make your mac and cheese
and put your foot in it.

Ha, I'm already on it!

So, wait. The entire family
is going to Elon's house?

- Oh, this is getting good.
- I told you. Have faith.

[mechanical whirring]

How does it taste?

Delicious.

Ha! I know you lying.
This chicken tastes like ass and rosemary.

What does it need?

To be thrown away. Try this.

Wow!

Wasn't I right?

Makes you wanna slap your mama,
doesn't it?

As a matter of fact, it does.

Bring me Mommy!

[Mommy grunts]

- That was all.
- See you at story time.

Ooh Ma, can I try some?

Try if you want, but your momma hits back.

Not only do I have
the best driver in town,

I want you,
the best cook in all of Chicago,

to be the director of my kitchen.

What do you say, Beverly?

Thank you, Jesus. Won't He do it!

You mean, don't Reggie do it.

Don't be silly, Reggie.
You know it was Jesus.

And you must be
the artist currently known as Junior.

I guess you could say that.

A product of two
incomparably talented parents.

You must be doubly talented.

How would you like to be
my director of art and design?

Did you hear that?
I'm not gonna be a worthless freeloader

the rest of my life.
All thanks to you, Dad.

No problem, Junior.

- No, I meant my white dad.
- That boy funny, ain't he?

And what about you, young lady?
What would you like to do?

My name is Grey, and I plan to expose you
for the sociopathic monster that you are

for trying
to replace humanity with robots.

[chuckling] I love an inquisitive,
smart human.

I'll hire you as my executive
human assistant to run my life.

Can I film a documentary about you
and expose all your lies?

Of course.

- I'm hired.
- Then we're all set.

Welcome to the Evans family experiment.

[mumbling] I mean, welcome to the family.

To make your transition
as easy as possible,

I have made your living quarters
identical to your home.

You will want for nothing.

It's just like our home.

Without the flood.

Mm, even the roaches are classy.

Don't be that easy.
The man is trying to manipulate humanity.

Oh, no, Rosa Parks,
can't you just enjoy this?

Rosa did the heavy lifting
so you wouldn't have to, Dad.

This is how you repay her?

[stammering] I hate to break up the rally,
but who wants a Wingstop?

The roaches are ordering Postmates.

[ominous music playing]

- [Dalvin panting]
- [zombie groaning]

- [man] I used to be an athlete.
- [woman] We want the oxies.

[woman] I have back pain, I swear.

Stop! Leave me alone! [screaming]

Mimi! I had a dream
about the white people again.

[phone vibrating]

[Mimi] Dalvin, I have to meet a man.

He may be the one. Finger cross.

If ya need me, tough luck. Go ya mama!

I'm home alone?

Man, this some bullshit.

A playa's crib is his castle,
and I'm in here hiding and sh*t? Man!

- [monster growling]
- [Dalvin screaming]

Goddamnit, Chronic.

Now you made me sh*t myself, man.
Now who gonna change me?

Your baked ass?

[clicking tongue] And now I gotta go
see my mama.

I mean, not 'cause I'm scared or nothin'.
I ain't scared, *****.

I ain't scared at all.

This is where the magic happens.

[Grey] Clarify magic.

It's a three-way between ideas,
technology, and innovation.

And after you pound away for days,
sometimes months,

you give birth to a product. Like Algo.

This is appropriation. Guys on the block
puff magic clouds like this every day.

You hurt Algo's feelings.

That thing doesn't have feelings.

Yes, it does.
I was able to create artificial emotions.

I sold a bunch of them to the government.

See, this is the problem I have with you.

You're trying to control
how we think and feel.

There's no way I'm letting
that little cloud of smoke manipulate me.

"One person, with good purpose,
can constitute the majority."

You get me.

That's right.

And if you stick with us, you, too,

will know why the caged bird sings.

It's like Algo has known me my whole life.

Yes, because Algo knows
your personal algorithm.

You know, if everyone had their own cloud,
I could cure the world of loneliness.

Son, you're supposed to be painting.

Yeah, I just finished.

Boy, ain't nothing on these walls.

That's 'cause
you don't have an eye for art.

This is my best work yet.

- If I find out you been huffing paint, I...
- Junior, how...

[gasping] It's breathtaking.

[stammering] Yeah, ain't it, though?

The composition. What do you call it?

[chuckling] The Naked Jellyfish.

Brilliant. Can you do one for my mommy?

- Yeah, I'm just...
- He'd love to. Anything for you.

I... I... I'm just out of invisible paint.

No problem.
Reggie can run out and get you more paint.

I can? I mean, yeah, I can.

I'll go to the invisible paint store
and get some more invisible paint.

Check in with Beverly and Grey too.

Let's make sure they have what they need.

Now you should probably get going.

We don't wanna impede Junior's genius
any longer than we must.

Yeah, stop impeding my genius.
Go get me my paint, boy!

You better watch it,
or I'll impede your ability to breathe.

[upbeat music playing]

[tires screeching]

[sinister music playing]

[pig squealing]

[upbeat music playing]

[cars honking]

Oh. What a day.
Bev, can you get me a beer?

You're the one already up.
I've been on my feet all day.

- Grey, could you?
- I'm an executive assistant.

That's not my purview.

I don't believe it.

I run errands for your asses all day,
and I can't get a beer?

We all been working.

But I'm the man of the house.

And I'm the woman.

Here you go. Here's your beer.
Painted it myself. [laughing]

Oh, man. White Dad's gonna love that one.

[machine whirring]

[Elon] Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

This food is amazing, Beverly.

Anybody could 3D print out
a delicious steak and potatoes.

How many people do you know

are talented enough
to drive a car by hand?

Talent? Even a baby can hold
a steering wheel and push pedals.

Enough about them. Let's talk about
SpaceX and this whole Mars thing.

I'm restarting human life on Mars.

I bet there are some
alien families on Mars

that know how to appreciate
the men of the house.

I bet the alien husbands on Mars
appreciate their wives.

Oh, yeah?
Ever since you guys got these jobs,

you all act like I work for you!

Like I'm your little errand daddy!

[Elon] Well, technically, you are.
This is your signature, right?

I thought it was Latin.

You know what, it doesn't matter.
I'm still the man of this family.

I didn't get you all jobs
so I could be your damn errand boy.

And if I have to be your errand boy,
you all need to quit your jobs!

Or what?

Or Reggie quit.

Really, Reggie?

Oh, oh, you don't believe me? Fine.

I'm not gonna continue being disrespected
because I quit.

Obviously, I'm not needed around here.

But Reggie, I do need you!

[crying] Mama!

Junior?

Okay, fine. Reggie!

[ominous music playing]

m*therf*cker, I swear I'll k*ll you!

Hey, gangster baby, you see a kid run
through here carrying two giant red shoes?

Wait, this is real?

Hell, yeah, this is real. I need my shoes.
I gotta go to work tomorrow.

[laughing evilly]

Ha, I... I don't know
what the big deal is, Elon.

You still have us.

But without Reggie,
none of this is gonna work.

What's not gonna work?

[sighing] Come on out, guys.

[computerized beeping]

Is it me, or does Jeff Bezos remind you
of that bald dude from Austin Powers?

[upbeat music playing]

But I'm not him.
I'm the richest guy on the planet.

Barely.

Shut up before I buy Microsoft.

Guys! I'm in the middle
of revealing our plan.

What plan?

Algo here informed us

that there was
a little Black family in the projects

that carried a rare gene,
like a struggle gene,

we call the Black Particle.

It seems to give you people

the strength to persevere
through anything and everything.

No matter how bad the environment,

you seem to adapt
and stay together as a family.

And that's why we wanna send
the Evans family to Mars!

I was gonna reveal the Mars plot.
We discussed this.

What does this have to do with us?

We need Reggie to procreate
and populate the Red Planet

with strong people
that can handle the rough conditions.

He's an Evans, so who better?

But he left!

I give you jobs, and you fall apart?

I just don't understand Black people.

Black people
don't understand Black people.

What he's trying to say is you and Reggie
are supposed to be our Adam and Eve.

Populate the planet
and help build the infrastructure.

- Will we be paid?
- Of course.

But you won't get credit.
You know the routine.

But without Reggie,
we can't begin to put our plan in place.

And the only way to get him back
is for us to thr*aten to k*ll you.

So, we're threatening to k*ll you!

Again!

I know you done lost your mind.
Y'all got the wrong one. I'm not birthin...

I can call him.
But do you wanna call? Should I call?

And when you call, sound terrified.
You know, for the dramatic effect.

[Reggie] Well, well, well.

Look who needed me. Get up, boy.

Where's Mom?

It's a long story. What you doing here?

It's a long story.

[sighing] I guess you can come inside
just this once.

[Dalvin screaming]

Hey, man, you got a leak.
Good thing I'm a baby, and I can swim.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, look who it is. Beverly.

Re... Reggie, hurry back. Elon is...

Naw, Bev.
f*ck Elon and that bot he rode in on.

I hope you guys are happy.

I'm sorry. You're right.
You are the head of this house.

And we all love and respect you.

But baby, listen, I was wrong.
These white boys are trying to...

[phone beeping]

sh*t, that apology was just getting good.

His... His phone d*ed.

My intel suggests he's not coming back.

Algo seems to think
Reggie is not coming back.

Then we really do have to k*ll them.
We told them everything.

Didn't I say
something was wrong with Elon? But no!

"Take a seat, Rosa."

"If you mess up this good money,
we put you in foster care."

- So, what are you saying?
- Run!

- [upbeat music playing]
- [g*n fire]

I'll be okay, Elon.
Just send their asses to Mars.

[mechanical whirring]

[mechanical static]

[all panting]

[Beverly] Reggie, I'm sorry. You're right.

Wait a minute. Your mama's in trouble!

Trouble? You let my mom get in trouble?

Don't start that sh*t. I'll be back.
Don't make a damn mess.

Nah. Nah. If Mom in trouble, I'm coming.

I knew your ass was gonna need me.

- [all screaming]
- [g*n fire]

[electronic whirring]

[Junior moaning]

Wait. Wait.

[all panting]

[upbeat music playing]

[g*n fire continues]

[ominous music playing]

[g*ns cocking]

Man, I am too old for this sh*t.

We just need to trust
that the Lord will protect us.

He works in mysterious ways.

[Bill screaming]

See? It's like we're living
the New Testament.

He really was dead inside.

[robots whirring]

[g*n fire]

Oh, Reggie! You made it just in time.

I would never abandon my family.

I made his ass come.

You didn't make me do sh*t, boy.

No need to fight
as long as we are together as a family.

Dad, look out!

[Reggie grunting]

Let me warn you.
I have a black belt in gymkata.

Well, I know whupanese.
It combines my belt and your ass.

- [Reggie grunting]
- [upbeat music playing]

I got your ass.

[Jeff grunting]

[Reggie] Ow.

[yelling]

[Reggie grunting]

Get over here, Elon.

- No.
- Boy, don't make me chase you.

Algo, initiate take off to Mars!

[house whirring]

What's going on?

He's taking us to Mars and wants to use
our genes to restart the human race.

We have the fate
of a new humanity in our hands,

all for billionaires to rule.

These hands aren't used
to hold human fate.

They're used for driving
and providing for my damn family!

Jump in that Tesla.

[electronic whirring]

[all screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

Elon, there's something
I've always wanted to tell you.

Wow. That was a good episode of the Evans.

What do you wanna watch now?

Hmm. I think I feel like messing
with the Kardashians.

Kim or Khloé?

Maybe Kylie.

After the day we had,
maybe this water ain't so bad.

Ah, you can say that again.
You want a beer?

Thank you, babe, but from now on,
I'll get my own beer.

Aw, Reggie.

Junior! Get your ass up
and bring me a beer.

- I should've went to Mars.
- You can still go.

It's only a matter of time
before robots take over and replace us.

Robots can do a lot of things,
but being poor ain't one of them.

We won't be poor for long.
I'm selling this and exposing Elon.

Uh-uh. I'm selling it.

- What? Are you crazy? Give me that!
- No, me.

[Willie imitating a dolphin]

No!