02x03 - Wheel of Challenges

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Freelancers". Aired: March 28, 2019 – December 16, 2021.*
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Five broke millennials struggle to build their video production company despite their limited resources, lack of experience, and living in a small, quirky town.
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02x03 - Wheel of Challenges

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪ musical swirl ♪]

[upbeat music]

- Yep, looks like it's the
problem with the water heater.

- Can you fix it?

We're only getting one
hot shower a day

and there are five of us.

- Sadly, no.

That thing is as dead as
my cat Sparkles.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

How did she...

- Old age.

The senile person m*rder*d her.

Oh, no, you keep it.
You keep it.

- Okay.

- Well, off to the funeral.

- Thanks for the help.

- Would you like to
be my plus one.

[door creaks]

Don't make me do this alone.

[door closes]
[lock clicks]

- That was weird.

[footsteps approaching rapidly]

- So what's the H.O. sitch?

- The what?

- Hot shower situation.
L to abbrev.

- Um...

- Learn to abbreviate!

None of you deserve the
poster I made.

[upbeat jazz music]

- What happened with the
plumber? Is the hot water fixed?

- I don't get what
the big deal is?

I haven't showered in three
weeks and I'm as fresh as ever.

- [Ryan] You have a
sticker of SpongeBob

on the back of your neck.
- Oh, neat!

- Sadly, the water heater
is irreparable.

[all groans]

- [Owen] Man! Thanks
for the bad news, Zona.

- Don't blame me because I was
the only one awake at 9:00 AM

to let the plumber in!

- I wake up
- I wake up

- When Ryan wakes up.
- When Micah wakes up.

- I heard him coming but
I purposely don't listen

'cause I knew you'd handle it!

- Same!

- Well, I guess, we
will just have to decide

who gets to use the hot shower.

- [All] Dibs!

Dibs!

- Calling dibs isn't gonna-

- [All] Dibs!
- [groans] I almost had it!

- Can we all just take turns?

- You know how bad we
are at that.

[upbeat music]

- [Owen] Time's up! Our turn.

- That was not five minutes.

- Oh, yeah, it was. We timed it.

- So did I!
- Your phone has been dead

since you dropped it
in that swamp.

Why do you even carry it around?

- I like the weight of it.

- Get off!

[all arguing]

- Maybe next time, Billy.

[Billy sighs]

- Whee!

- Looks like we're just gonna
have to resolve this issue

with our favorite thing.

- Logic and reason?

- No!

The Wheel of Challenges!

Yeah!

[triumphant music]

Zona?

[Zona groans]

[triumphant music]

Bring me my bird!

- Caw!

["Wicket Youth" by Sego]

♪ Make it mean anything,
oh, anything you want ♪

[upbeat music]

- Bring the wheel.

[all coughing]

- Zona!
- Whoa!

- Yo, dust is like 90%
dead skin cells.

Don't be blowing that on us.

- Yeah, you just created
an unwanted skin wind!

- When did we last
use this thing?

- Two years ago, when
Devin and I were arguing

over that human tooth we found.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll be a monkey's
uncle, which I am.

This ivory is human.

It's not mine.

- I still got all my
pearls, including Tristan.

- You have a tooth
named Tristan?

- It's my last baby.

I'm holding on to him

in case I ever need to talk
to the tooth fairy again.

- I know him. He's gross...

- This story is taking too long.

- Okay, I'll skip to the end.

I'm sure glad we threw that
tooth in the wishing well

and it granted our wish
to meet an astronaut.

- He did not like us.
- Not even a little.

- Hold up. You met an astronaut?
How?

- It all started when
Devin and I found a tooth.

- Well, I'll be a monkey's-

- Okay, you know what?
Never mind.

Let's get this started!

[upbeat music]

[Micah clears throat]

[horn blaring]

Welcome one and all to
the Wheel of Challenges.

Let's meet our delegates.

Owen Darby, the
self-proclaimed ladies men.

Don't underestimate his
quick reflexes

or ability to quit if
he gets bored.

- Am I gonna get bored?
- Devin Mann!

Hopefully this time she
doesn't get disqualified

for breaking Owen's leg.

- Hmm.
- Don't.

- Ryan McCloud, the
defending champion himself.

He won the last slice of pizza

after petting a porcupine
the most number times.

- I sure got a lot of
nerve damage.

[fire crackling]

- [Zona] Oh, Ryan, you should...

- It's starting to smell.

- That's enough, Ryan.
- I like the smell.

- [Owen] Yeah, that's enough.

- [Devin] No, he can
keep doing. That's cool.

- Ryan, no.
- Burn it off.

- And last, and kind
of least, Zona Goodwin.

- When did we all decide
to make flags?

- Here, I made you one.

- Thanks.

- She's technically a
competitor, but she loses a lot.

- Loses a lot of wins! That...

You all know what I mean.

- [chuckles] Wait. Wait.

I forgot about me.

Micah Pratchett!

I'm a clever competitor with
plenty of tricks up his sleeve.

- Micah, is that my inhaler?
I need that.

I've been using hairspray.

- Ooh.

- Now please join hands

as we commence with the
Wheel of Challenges anthem

that I will make up on the spot.

♪ Oh, when the wheel of
the challenge ♪

♪ And you're running around ♪

♪ And you spin that wheel ♪

♪ And you see it on the ground ♪

♪ And you running to
play the game and now ♪

♪ That's the wheel
turning we're in ♪

♪ Wheel and the challenge ♪

♪ And the turning the wheel ♪

♪ And we're dancing and
we're dropping ♪

♪ And picking it again ♪

♪ And we're picking up low ♪

♪ And shaking our hands ♪

♪ That's the wheel of
turning bring ♪

[group claps]

[upbeat music]

For the benefit of the
live audience,

[snake hisses]

- Who's snake is that?

- I will explain the
proceedings.

We all submitted and
equal number of challenges

anonymously, of course.

Each challenge will
reward 10 points,

and the first to 50 wins!

Pause for clapping.

[Ryan clapping]

- Bring it on, everyone.
Except for Zona.

I don't consider you
competition.

- I have just as much chance

of winning that hot
shower as you do.

- [scoffs] Oh, Zona.

You're like a salmon
swimming upstream,

bashing into rock after rock.

Your muscles rippling
from the added effort

of your attempted path.

Your huge salmon biceps
just flapping uselessly

in the treacherous-
- What are you trying to say?

- Zona's gonna lose and
she has huge biceps!

- Okay, well, Owen gets
to spin first

because he correctly guessed

the number of cockroaches
currently in the kitchen.

- They have their
cupboards, and we have ours.

[wheel spinning]

[group gasps]

Gummy bear eating contest!

[upbeat music]

- Let the games begin!

[upbeat music]

[bell dings]

- [Zona] Hands up! No
more eating!

Okay. Results?

Devin?

- Zero.

You know I'm on a low
sugar, low fat, low carb,

only Oreos diet.

- Ryan?

- Also zero. They're too cute.

- [Zona] Owen?

- One. I'm stuffed.

- That puts me in the
lead at 43! Ha-ha!

Micah?

- 512.

- Say that again.

- 512. [inhales]

I honestly thought
the competition

was gonna be a lot stiffer.

- [Devin] Points to Micah.

- I'm afraid that this
battle is only half over.

[wheel spinning]

- Sexiest catwalk.

I've been working on this.

[upbeat techno music]

- It's laundry day.

- [Owen] No, it's not.
That's her favorite outfit.

- Shut...

[upbeat techno music]

- Owen.

- What?

A what?

- Yeehaw!

Next challenge.

[energetic music]

- Wha...

- Was it good?

[energetic music]

- Whoa. She's been under
there a while.

- Yeah, almost four minutes.

- [Owen] Oh, no.

- [Zona] Devin?

Devin?

Should we?

[ominous music]

[Micah gasps]

Devin? Devin?

[all gasps]

- Yeah!

[group cheering]

I d*ed.

- What?
- But I came back.

[engines revving]

[Micah and Devin screaming]

[classical music]

- [Gandolfini] Does it
help if I bend like this?

- Yes.

[dramatic music]

[Devin screaming]

[group screaming]

[boxing bell rings]

- I'm coming for you!

- No, Devin, I beg you, please!

- Devin's not your only-

Ow!

- [Owen] No! Ow!

You're giving my leg PTSD!
- I don't wanna hurt you.

- You're not gonna hurt me.
Come on.

[dramatic music]

I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, buddy.

- Mike Tyson surprise!

[Micah and Ryan screaming]

- No! No!

Devin, no!

[dramatic music]

Devin!

Devin! Devin!

[Owen screaming]

[upbeat music]

- [Micah] Points to Devin.

[Devin growls]

- [Ryan] Man, I would've won

if Micah's ear hadn't
made me throw up.

- I bet you didn't expect
me to rub old sushi juice

on my lobes, huh?

- Can we break until tomorrow?

I've won nothing and I've
been up since 6:00 AM.

- There's a 6:00 AM?

- Sorry, Zona. The wheel
waits for no men.

- [Owen] And I can already
taste that hot shower.

- [Micah] Taste it?

- You mean feel it?

- Taste it!

With my skin.

[wheel spinning]

[Zona groans]

- Who can last the longest
in a group hug?

- That was clearly
written by Ryan.

- We don't know that.
It's anonymous.

- You wrote it in a fancy
cursive your grandma taught you.

- Okay, yes. It is her
signature cursive.

But with some improvements.
Don't tell her I said that.

- Group hug starts in three...

- Oh, I picked a bad day to
run out of deodorant last week.

- Two.

- Who's muscular back
am I touching?

Oh, it's mine.

- [Zona] No, it's mine.

- One.

- Does anyone else need to pee?

- [All] Yes.

[all breathing deeply]

- [Zona] So we're just gonna
stay like this forever?

- This makes me happier

than the time that
flower said hello.

You heard me.

[upbeat music]

[rooster crowing]

- We're still hugging?

- Ugh, why am I wet?
- Hmm?

- Did someone pee their pants?

[all groans]

- Someone peed us all!

- Who did this?

My bladder is strong and
noble like a manatee.

- Let me go!

- I need to win!

- Whoever did this was
extremely hydrated.

- Oh, man, I messed up
my good magician outfit.

- You're squeezing my
frail organs!

We're in pee, Zona!
We're in pee!

- Ah! You let go!

I win!

- Ugh. Points to Zona.

- Man, I need a shower.

Let me go first!

- [Devin] The hot water is mine!

- [Owen] No, Micah!

- Stand back, you weak
bladdered demons!

[dramatic music]

[all screaming]

- So cold!

- Whoever did the pee,
I'm gonna get you!

- Why is it so cold? Is the
wheel displeased with us?

- I can't take it anymore!

[all screaming]

- Yay! Another hug.

[upbeat music]

- [Owen] You don't wanna join
us for our Arctic waterfall?

- I was too busy marking my
points on the scoreboard.

- [claps] Well, well, well.

[claps] Look who's smug
about one win.

But you'll never be able to
compete with true genius.

- Your pants are on backwards.

[Owen claps]

- Why do you keep
clapping just one time?

- It's just a slow clap.

- That's way too slow.

- My win must have thrown
off your game.

- My game has never be more on.

[Owen claps]

- Hmm.
- Still too slow.

- Can you...
- Let's rock!

[wheel spinning]

Whoo!

[upbeat music]

We have so many kinds
of tapeworm. How many?

- That's the kind I have.

- [Zona] This is a deadly one.

[upbeat music]

Don't tip off!

Yes!

[wheel spinning]

- What are you doing?

- The will of the wheel
cannot be interrupted.

- [Ryan] Wheel will.
Say that one times fast.

- Owen, explain yourself
before you get disqualified.

- [Ryan] Wheel will. Whew!
What a rush.

- Zona's cheating.

- I am not!

- Isn't it odd that the girl
who is in the last place

is now in first!

- Well, the wheel works
in mysterious ways.

- And we all have
integrity here.

- Do we?

I think we should see
who wrote the challenges.

- That is against the
rules of the wheel.

- Wheel will.

- Look at this.

All the same handwriting!

- That doesn't prove anything!

- Doesn't it?

We all know that Ryan writes
like an 80-year-old widow.

- In my dreams.

- Your grandma's not here.

- I am way better than her.

- And Micah wouldn't
dishonor his role

as master of ceremonies.

- [Micah] I have taken an oath.

- [Owen] And Devin has more
integrity than anybody!

- I make Honest Dave
look like a sack of crap.

- And to top it all off, we
all ran to the shower together,

except you!

- Fine. You know what?

It was me!

[Micah gasps]

[ominous music]

- [Micah] She's
technically a competitor

but she loses a lot.

- [Owen] I don't consider
you competition.

- [Micah] We all submitted
equal number of challenges

anonymously, of course.

- [Devin] Oreos.
Breakfast of champions.

[ominous music]

- For shame, Zona!

- There's more.

[ominous music]
[voices echoing]

- [Devin] Don't be lame, Zona.

- One for you. One for you.

And especially, one for you.

- That's there was no
hot water this morning.

- We all did the pee?

[things clattering]

- And then Zona got back in
a group hug with everybody.

- Big deal. I don't care
about pee. It's just urine.

- Oh, man, I forgot that
pee was urine.

- Do not punish us
for Zona's sins.

[wheel hisses]
[Ryan gasps]

I'm sorry.

- So I got a little
tired of losing,

especially when I do so much
of the work around here.

I wake up four hours
before anyone else!

So maybe, just maybe,

I deserve a hot shower!

- You all see the
ladybugs this year?

They're something else.

I sometimes wish I
was a ladybug.

They're just so cool-
- Just... Just...

Just let it be awkward.
It's good for us.

- You know what?

You may get up before
everybody else,

but you also go to bed
before everyone else too.

- So?

- I'm awake for hours working

while you're asleep in
your glamorous tent

with your luxurious
thin blanket.

- Stop trying to make squatting
in your yard sound nice.

- It is nice.

- Oh, why don't we do
this card right here.

Um, it's the contest to
be good friend

and to appreciate the
hard work everyone does.

- It says beef wrestling.
- Ryan.

- Who did that one?

It was me.

- I bet you didn't know that I
backup our files every night!

And that I lock the doors

so that Mr. Gandolfini
can't come in.

- Sometimes he scratches
at the door at night.

- Or that I count all
the cockroaches

to make sure that they're
not multiplying.

- Why doesn't he just k*ll them?

- They have just as much
right to be here as we do.

- What?
- Maybe more.

- I'm sorry, Owen. I didn't
know you did all that stuff.

- I'm sorry too. Not as much,
but still.

- I have nothing to
be sorry about.

You hear that, Lincoln? Eat it!

- So what do we do about
the hot shower now?

- Hmm.

- [Owen] Give it to Zona.

- Really?

- She deserves it.

Plus, she's still covered
in all our pee. [snorts]

- No, no. Owen should have it.

I mean, he really made
some good points.

- I accept!

Oh! I knew you were
gonna do that!

Ah, in your face, Zona!

Whoo!

Hot shower for me!

♪ Hot showers ♪

I'm gonna get cold before
my hot shower.

Just stay in here for
a little bit,

and then, hot shower time!

♪ Hot shower, hot shower ♪

- I swear, on this holy
Wheel of Challenges,

I will make Owen
Darby pee himself

every night for the rest
of his natural-

Ah! Skin wind!

[Owen claps]

- [Micah] Owen, it's too slow!

[upbeat techno music]

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Pure sexiness ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Pure sexiness ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Pure sexiness ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Pure sexiness ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Bad, bad, ♪

♪ Good ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪

♪ Good ♪
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