10x06 - Solitary Confinement

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight.

I'm Joe Lollipop, thank you so much for joining us.

And look, I know I normally say it's been a busy week,

but to be honest, this one's been a bit slow.

A new study suggested that T-Rexes had lips.

The soap opera The Young and the Restless celebrated 50 years on television.

Donald Tr*mp became the first ever former president to be indicted on criminal charges.

And a photo of the Pope wearing a big, poofy jacket went viral before it was revealed to be fake.

So pretty quiet in general.

And look, I would talk more about the Tr*mp indictment if we even knew what the exact charges were right now,

but we don't.

So instead, let's start with France, Europe's high school bully.

For weeks now, France has been in turmoil.

Fires across France.

One protester telling us this is a w*r.

Hundreds of thousands taking to the streets.

The historic unrest sparked by President Macron's plan to raise the retirement age from 62 to 64.

Ramming the measures through his country's legislature without a vote.

In Paris, where bins and newspaper kiosks have been set alight, some firefighters put out the flames.

Others joined in with the protesters.

It's true.

People are so pissed at what Macron's been doing that firefighters have started siding with fire instead of him.

And it's honestly kind of jarring to see fires in Paris that were started by something other than their usual cause,

the expl*sive heat generated by Ina and Jeffrey's relentless f*cking at their Parisian apartment.

Now, Macron claims that without this move, which remember, he's pushed through without a vote,

the government will accrue massive debts.

But his opponents argue that pension funding can come from other sources like raising taxes on the wealthy.

And look, a retirement age of 62 is low, even by the standards of Western nations.

In Germany, the comparable retirement age is 65.

In Italy, it's 67.

And in the U.S., the retirement age is no.

So France is lucky to have the kind of bold social welfare policy that's getting rarer nowadays.

But that is probably why they are fighting so hard to protect it.

And I will say, these protests have brought out moments that are just quintessentially French.

Take a look at this viral video from France.

Diners in the city of Bordeaux, unfazed by demonstrators protesting against recent changes to the retirement age.

Even with a raging fire nearby, these people are still managing to enjoy their wine and conversation at an outdoor cafe.

Wow. That is on brand.

I think it is safe to say that after a nuclear holocaust, the only creatures left standing will be cockroaches

and an outlandishly relaxed wine-sipping French couple entirely unfazed by the obliteration of society.

And the protestors themselves have sometimes bordered on magnificent self-parody.

[Chanting]

Holy sh*t. Someone call an ambulance. I think I just overdosed on Frenchness.

That's honestly intimidating for me to watch because she's doing everything that I can't do there.

Dance, look cool in sunglasses, and rock bangs.

Literally nothing she's doing will ever be possible for me, and it makes me a little sad.

Now France's constitutional council is expected to rule on Macron's plan on April 14th,

but he doesn't appear willing to back down in the meantime,

as even the one concession his government made to protestors was pretty insulting.

The government's agreed to dialogue, but not any kind of dialogue about doing a U-turn on the policy.

That, they say, is simply not going to happen.

Hold on. We're open to a dialogue, just not the kind you want.

So what would you even talk about then?

Thank you, protestors, for agreeing to meet with me.

Do you think soup and stew are different things?

Or maybe not.

The point is, Macron may need to rethink his strategy here,

because these protestors aren't going to back down any time soon.

The French people are clearly going to keep fighting for their quality of life,

and if this week is any indication, they're going to continue looking pretty f*cking cool while they do it.

And now, this.

And now, the last remaining sliver of morality in Tucker Carlson's head tries to give him some advice.

The left doesn't want to answer questions like that or even have the conversation.

Shut up, r*cist!

Instead, they just declare that the current system is great.

Nobody wants to have that debate.

Shut up, r*cist!

Hey, crazy people, what are you teaching my children?

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Your opinion is dangerous.

Shut up, r*cist!

In other words, shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Oh, shut up, r*cist!

Another one, shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

And there's more where that came from.

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Oh, diversity, racism, diversity, racism!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

Shut up, r*cist!

[laughing]

Shut up, r*cist!

OK.

[laughing]

[applause]

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns solitary confinement,

a punishment inflicted on prisoners, pet goldfish,

and of course, Lance Armstrong's remaining testicle.

It's in there all by itself.

It must be so lonely.

Most of us have a general idea of what solitary confinement is,

although as this TikTok man on the street interview demonstrates,

others seem a little unsure.

In solitary confinement, how many prisoners are in each cell?

One.

One.

Wait.

It means he's alone, right?

It's alone.

One.

It's gotta be one.

I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna go with one.

One, one, one.

Why not answer?

Yeah, that's right.

[laughing]

OK.

I'm glad they got it right,

but it did take them an alarming amount of time

to triple team that answer.

Although, it did also give me a chance to absorb

every weird fashion choice there,

because you'd think the boldest one would be this kid

wearing light blue Crocs with a virginity rocks T-shirt,

but then you'd be knowing that this one is wearing hashtag shoes.

This one's outfit is somehow both too formal and too casual,

and this one seemingly couldn't decide if he was dressing

for the pool or golf, so decided on both.

Very basically, every one of these human red solo cups

is dressed inexcusably wrong in their own unique way.

I'm genuinely glad they all found each other,

and I hope to never meet any of them under any circumstances.

The point is, solitary confinement is a common enough practice

that even those bros basically know about it.

And the fact is, in this country,

facilities from jails and prisons to immigration detention centers

isolate a massive number of people.

A 2016 government report found that on any given day

an estimated 90,000 inmates in prison and jail

are housed in isolation, and that is almost certainly

an undercount given how poor data collection on this is.

Yet for how widespread our use of solitary is,

some of those in charge of our prison systems

have been wearily ignorant on the practicalities of it.

Take this amazing exchange from 2014,

where then-Senator Al Franken asked the then-head

of the Federal Bureau of Prisons a pretty simple question.

How big is a cell?

How big is the average cell in solitary?

You say the average size?

Cell, yeah, the size of the cell. How big is it?

What is... I'm trying to get this...

This is a human thing we're talking about.

We've got a lot of statistics. How big is the cell?

The average size of a cell is...

I guess I'm trying to... You're looking for the space of what...

Yes.

The dimensions in feet and inches.

The size of the cell that a person is kept in.

I want to get some idea of... I don't know...

Am I asking this wrong?

No! No, you are absolutely not.

And honestly, I wish you'd kept going there.

OK, clearly you're confused by feet and inches.

How about metres or steps?

If you stood at one end of the cell,

how many steps would it take to walk to the other end?

How many rabbits could you fit on the floor of one of those cells?

How many rabbits big is one cell?

Am I asking this wrong?

Because there are literally no other ways to ask this question.

For the record, the average size of a solitary cell is...

Which is way too small for a person to be stuck in

for days, weeks, months or even years on end.

That level of isolation is why, in 2011,

the United Nations Special Rapporteur on t*rture

declared that...

They then called on all countries to...

..to prohibit indefinite and prolonged solitary confinement

in excess of 15 days, which really is not asking that much,

but is also something that we in the US have to put it mildly,

not done, which is just appalling,

as solitary really takes a toll on people,

as someone who's actually experienced it can tell you.

Ask yourself, can you live in a bathroom for ten years?

It's bad to lock an individual up and just put them in a room,

closed, you know, nothing to do.

It's... I guess you could say inhumane.

And I know that we're inmates and all,

but, excuse my language, it fucks me up.

Yeah, of course it fucks you up.

Human beings are not meant to sit in a bathroom

for ten years with nothing to do.

You're thinking of retainers.

Those are the things that we place into a bathroom

and fully neglect for an entire decade.

Everybody knows that.

So given how prevalent it is and how damaging it can be,

tonight, let's look at solitary confinement.

And let's start with the fact that it has its roots

in a somewhat unexpected place.

It was actually introduced by the Quakers

as a noble experiment in rehabilitation.

There was a belief that you could put a prisoner

in his own solitary cell,

freed from the evil influences of modern society,

and if you put them in that cell,

they would become like a penitent monk,

free to come close to God and to their own inner being,

and they would naturally heal.

It's true. The whole idea of solitary came from Quakers.

And on one hand, it is not surprising

that a form of brutal t*rture and punishment

was invented by a religious group.

But on the other, if you gave me 50 guesses

for which one invented locking people in a small room alone

to feel guilty 24 hours a day,

I'd have guessed Catholics 50 times in a row.

Quakers basically thought that prisoners isolated in cells

with a Bible could use that time to reflect, repent,

and eventually reform.

That is even where the term "penitentiary" originated,

which is a handy fun fact

if you ever want to quickly raise a few red flags

on a first date.

But by the mid-1800s,

the psychological harms of isolation were becoming clear,

and by 1890, the Supreme Court declared

that solitary confinement made prisoners, quote,

"violently insane."

After that, the practice was largely abandoned

until the 1980s, when mass incarceration

led to prison overcrowding,

which in turn led to a rise in prison v*olence,

and in an effort to preserve order,

prison officials started ramping up

the use of solitary again.

And at this point, it is worth looking at

what modern solitary actually consists of.

Generally, it involves isolating people

for 22 to 24 hours per day in small cells

with minimal contact with others

and with little or no access

to reading materials or radio and TV.

And even if that is pretty much what you assumed,

there are additional elements to solitary

that you might not expect.

Like the fact that some cells are lit around the clock

and that there can be a near constant sound

of banging, screaming, and moaning.

Frontline spent four months

filming in a solitary confinement unit

and released a video just of the noise.

And here is just 20 seconds of it.

[SIREN WAILING]

[g*nshots]

[g*nshots]

Holy sh*t!

How are you supposed to think in there, let alone sleep?

There is a reason people fall asleep

to sounds of the rainforest

and not sounds of one of those haunted houses

where you have to sign a waiver to get in.

[LAUGHTER]

So a person could be stuck alone in a cell

for 23 hours a day or more

with the soundtrack to Stomp playing in the background.

And as this man will tell you,

filling that time can take some real effort.

One of the things I did in solitary to pass the time

was save my bread, put it on the floor

and let the mice come in and eat it and play.

It was action, it was something different.

Is it gross? Yeah.

Disgusting? A little bit? Sure.

Better than going insane?

Yeah.

Right. That makes sense, doesn't it?

Because it is a little disgusting,

but it is better than going insane.

Also, for what it's worth,

I don't think I understand what TikTok is.

I thought I did, but I clearly don't.

I thought it was an app for teens to do the same eight dance moves

that all involve this move...

[LAUGHTER]

..so that the Chinese government can spy on us.

I didn't know that frank discussions

of the conditions of prisons were part of it, too.

But that guy wasn't kidding there.

Solitary can irreparably damage people's minds.

Studies show that some lasting mental damage is caused

after just a few days of isolation.

And the effects can be even more acute

when children experience it.

Oh, yeah, in case I forgot to mention,

we subject children to solitary in this country, too.

Vicki Reed was shocked by what we found

at the Middle Tennessee juvenile detention facility

in Murray County.

We revealed juveniles often spend 23 to 24 hours a day

locked inside their cells.

If a parent locks her kid in a closet

and leaves them there and feeds them three times a day

and that's it, we would call that child abuse.

Yeah, she's not wrong.

If I learned that someone was locking children in a closet

all day long, I'd immediately say two things.

Are those the children from the Car for Kids commercial?

If so, thank you for your service.

But if not, then that is child abuse

and you need to stop doing it immediately.

So if it is this torturous and this permanently damaging,

why do we put people in solitary?

Well, if you ask prison or government officials,

the response they'll often get is, "We actually don't."

And that is because we have a lot of euphemisms for solitary,

like segregation or protective custody

or referring to the cells as "restricted housing units"

or "security housing units."

In Tennessee, where that woman was outraged

that kids were being held in isolation,

officials there simply called it "room restriction."

And here is New York Mayor Eric Adams

trying to make a similar type of semantic distinction.

I am opposed to solitary confinement.

That is a draconian way to protect the city.

But what I am saying, you can't be an inmate,

sexually as*ault a correction officer or another inmate

and then stay in general population.

Punitive segregation is a humane way

of removing dangerous inmates to a location

where they can get the services they need

so they can stop preying on other inmates, staff,

and preying on society.

Yeah, Adams doesn't support solitary confinement,

but he's all in for punitive segregation.

An interesting distinction,

considering that the New York Board of Corrections' own website

says that punitive segregation is also known as solitary confinement.

So that's a pretty weird stance to take,

although it probably shouldn't be surprising

that Eric Adams did or said something weird.

This is the same man who once told a reporter

that New York sits on a store of rare gems and stones,

which is why there's a special energy that comes from here,

insisted on taking his first paycheck as mayor in crypto,

deliberately posed for this photo,

and has repeatedly held up a sponge on stage

to encourage people to wring out their internal despair,

answering the question,

"What if Mr. Clean was a motivational speaker?"

But the fact is, whatever you call solitary,

the experience for the person going through it is the same,

and corrections officers will often justify the use of it

by arguing, as Adams just did,

that it is a necessary tool to isolate wrongdoers

and preserve order.

Here is the head of the New York City Corrections Officers Union

making that exact point.

We have to be able to segregate those people,

because, you know, if we have a society without consequences,

then we'll just have total anarchy.

Isn't the problem that many of those in solitary

are not the really dangerous criminals?

They're people who've broken minor rules or are suicidal?

That's just not the case.

Minor infractions, people do not end up in punitive segregation.

Oh, first, good catch.

You almost called it solitary confinement there.

I near miss on par with having a mustache

that almost makes you look like a John Waters impersonator,

but...

But second, the claim that people don't end up in solitary

for minor infractions is just not true.

In general, researchers have found that v*olence

is typically not the most common reason

that people are sent to solitary.

In Oregon, researchers once found that disobedience

was the infraction resulting in the most solitary

confinement sanctions, and nationwide,

people who are sent to solitary for reasons including,

and these are all real, not making their bed,

using Facebook, and having too many envelopes.

And as this formerly incarcerated man will tell you,

the list does not stop there.

I've seen people go to solitary for things as little as

handing other people stuff,

having too many cigarettes in their pockets.

I've seen people go to solitary for talking back.

I've seen people go to solitary for not having their shirt tucked in.

I've seen people go to solitary for not having the right shoes

in the gym.

I've seen people go to the box for a lot of stuff, bro.

That is ridiculous.

Solitary should not be where we send people

who are dressing incorrectly.

If it were, I could think of four people who'd be in there right now,

yet instead they're walking around free,

struggling to answer basic questions.

So the truth is, petty rule infractions are a very common cause

of landing people in solitary, and that is not all.

People who are seen as at risk in the general prison population

because they are young, mentally ill, intellectually disabled,

gay or transgender, can wind up in there for their own protection.

And think how absurd that logic is.

The only way we can keep you safe is to inflict enormous harm on you.

It's like arguing the only way to keep you hydrated is to waterboard you.

One, it isn't, so two, find another f*cking way.

And if you're thinking, well, what if someone actually is

a potential thr*at to inmates or guards?

Shouldn't they then be getting locked up in solitary?

Well, you should know that a 2016 report found that there is

little evidence that administrative segregation has had any effects

on overall levels of v*olence in correctional facilities.

In fact, some researchers found subjecting people to solitary

can lead them to become more, not less, violent.

And that can obviously be a problem, not just inside prisons,

but also after people are released.

Even those who have worked within prisons, like this former warden,

will tell you just how counterproductive our current system is.

If I have somebody that comes in with a five-year commitment,

you can have them do their whole time in segregation,

but I don't want them living next to me when you release them.

The reality is 80% of these inmates are going to be hit in the street.

OK, so we can either make them worse, OK, and create more victims

when they go on the street, or we can rehabilitate them.

Right. And when you frame it as a choice like that,

it is hard to pick solitary confinement.

It's like saying, "For dinner tonight, we can either get pizza

"or we could assassinate Paul McCartney."

One of those choices makes sense, and the other is absolutely horrible

for everyone on Earth.

And just to be clear, this isn't to say that people who've committed

violent acts in prison should just be left in the general population

to potentially harm others.

They can be separated without being completely isolated.

In the state North Dakota, their state prison officials

made the bold decision to end the use of solitary there,

but in doing so, to also create a less hostile atmosphere overall.

So when prisoners got in trouble for serious infractions like v*olence,

instead of solitary, they were sent to a brand-new unit

where they'd get significant out-of-cell time

and access to behavioral treatment.

And it has had promising results.

Jerry Holmes was just released

from the new Behavioral Health Intervention Unit,

in September.

Mindset? 100% better.

'Cause you're just not crammed up in a hole,

like, you know, coming out of the box.

Brandon Davis has spent time in the old Administrative Segregation Unit,

or ASU, and the new BIU.

He says the biggest difference is just having someone to talk to.

Now they have interaction and counseling to work toward a solution.

Because if you bottle in your issues, it just--

it overwhelms the person.

Like, 'cause I have my own problems.

And, like, when you're isolated and you have these issues,

and it's like you have nowhere to release them

or no one to talk to them about.

Of course, you don't have to have been in solitary

to understand that talking through your issues with other people

is probably better for you than being locked up in a concrete toilet cave.

And look, I'm not saying that any of this is easy,

because I know that the solution should be simple here.

Putting people in solitary is t*rture, so let's stop doing it.

But exactly how we do that is absolutely critical

to any reform actually working.

Unfortunately, in multiple states,

when they've taken steps to limit the use of solitary,

corrections officials have found ways around them

by doing things like keeping prisoners isolated

for just below the threshold set by the state,

or creating even more euphemisms to camouflage the practice.

One key reason that North Dakota's reforms worked

is because they came directly from people

running the corrections system there.

They understood that reducing the use of solitary

required a shift in the whole culture of their prisons.

And they did have to get rid of staff who weren't on board with the idea

so that it could be ex*cuted properly.

And while it was not easy, there was an initial rise in v*olence

in the prison's general population immediately afterward,

they stuck with it.

And not only has the overall trend in v*olence been downward,

but both incarcerated persons and staff members

reported improvements in their health and well-being,

better interactions with one another,

and less exposure to v*olence following the reforms.

So it can be done if we want to.

And I know that some corrections officials will still insist

that they need solitary, but I would argue

that if you find yourself making the case

that you need to t*rture people to keep your facility safe,

that in itself is an admission of catastrophic failure

and you may need to go.

Because it is important to remember

just how lasting the damage here can be.

The voices in this debate are often dominated by corrections officials,

but it is worth listening at length

to the people who have been harmed by this.

Anthony Graves was kept in solitary for 18 years

after being wrongly convicted.

And just listen to him testify before Congress

about what it did to him.

I have been free...

for almost 2 years.

And I still cry at night.

Because no one out here can relate to what I've gone through.

I battle with these feelings of loneliness.

I've tried therapy, but it didn't work.

The therapist was crying more than me.

She could not imagine

how inhumanely our system were treating people.

I haven't had a good night's sleep since I've been out.

I only sleep about 2.5 to 3 hours a night.

And then I'm up.

My body has not made the adjustment.

I have mood swings that just causes emotional breakdowns.

I don't know where they come from.

They just come out of nowhere.

Solitary confinement

makes our criminal justice system criminal.

He's right.

Solitary isn't something we do to people behind bars.

It's something we do to them forever.

And it needs to be universally understood

how utterly indefensible it is.

So that maybe, just maybe, one day in the future,

we can get to a point where even if you approached

the worst-dressed bros on the street of any American city

and asked them, "What is the acceptable number of people

to have in solitary confinement?"

The answer they come up with with no hesitation

is f*cking zero.

And now this.

And now, nobody reports the news

like Fox 26's Isaiah Carey.

And welcome back to the second half hour of "The Factor" on Censor.

There really may be a thing as too much damn ass.

Inflation continues to hit every corner of business sectors,

even the damn strip club.

One man in New York has dropped his drawers

and pulled out the pipe to make sure you know he is coming.

Or at least running for office.

A woman's sex toy story has gone viral.

She told all of TikTok about how she stuck a vibrator

so far up her backside that she couldn't get it out.

Now to thirsty-ass thieves who will steal wet out of water

to get what their broke asses want.

This is a kind of filthy nickel-and-diming thief

that needs his ass kicked.

We've all heard about sugar daddies, right?

But you've probably never heard of Splenda daddies.

Listen up, everyone.

Marriage does not automatically grant you sex.

Learn that.

[laughter]

Moving on.

Finally tonight, I want to talk about intellectual property law.

It is the reason why your unlicensed Halloween costume

of Oscar the Grouch is called something like

"cranky trash pervert."

And before we go any further, I want to show you the trailer

for a recent horror movie, and if you haven't seen it,

let's just say it has a somewhat unexpected villain.

[eerie music]

[laughter]

Christopher, we need to leave. Now.

I really need to find out what's happening, okay?

[eerie music]

[laughter]

[eerie music]

[thunder]

[thunder]

[thunder]

[laughter]

[thunder]

[applause]

Yes, everything about that is disturbing,

including that Winnie the Pooh in this movie

looks like someone shaved and bleached the Grinch.

Also, why does he have to be the bad guy?

Any of the other characters would have made much more sense as a k*ller.

Piglet, inferiority complex, ticking time b*mb.

Tigger, fast, powerful, unhinged.

Rabbit, twisted control freak.

Eeyore, don't get me started, he's been kicked around for decades.

When Eeyore snaps, none of us are safe.

Now, unsurprisingly, not everyone was on board

with this movie's concept.

It's awful, they can't turn Winnie the Pooh into a horror film.

It'd be terrifying, wouldn't it?

I'm used to him being like a cute little bear in the woods,

not a criminal.

Right. But Winnie the Pooh is cuddly and fun.

He's an important role model for woodland bears,

especially now when they have so many really bad ones.

Now, the reason that movie hasn't been crushed

under the force of a thousand lawsuits

is because in January of last year,

the original copyright on Winnie the Pooh expired,

meaning that anyone in the US can now freely use the characters

from the original book without having to pay or ask permission.

But it turns out, Winnie the Pooh isn't actually

the only major character owned by Disney

on the precipice of entering the public domain.

Disney could soon lose its exclusive rights to its most iconic character,

the copyright for Mickey Mouse is set to expire in 2024,

95 years after its first publication.

It's true. Mickey Mouse will soon be public property in the US,

which is a big deal, because his copyright

is a closely guarded corporate treasure,

like the formula to Coca-Cola or the 11 herbs and spices

or where McDonald's buried the body of Mayor McCheese.

And Disney's been wildly aggressive

in defending its copyrights over the years,

at one point telling a stonemason that carving Winnie the Pooh

into a child's gravestone would violate its copyright,

before ultimately relenting, leading to the exceptional headline,

"Disney lifts Pooh Bear grave ban,"

so congrats, Disney, you really came off as the good guy in the end there.

But that is not all, 'cause in 1989, they did this.

Now Disney lawyers have taken aim at this Florida daycare center,

saying it has no right to use Disney characters on its walls.

Kids and parents here at Very Important Babies

don't want to lose Mickey.

I feel sad a lot.

Get they two Mickey down? Why?

Because I like 'em.

Oh, don't worry, buddy, no-one's taking Mickey away,

they're just going to paint over him, so he'll still be there,

invisible to you, trapped under a thin layer of paint,

tantalisingly close, but permanently alone

in a sort of liminal undeath.

Now run along and play, he's watching you all the time,

you Very Important Baby.

And Disney has been desperate

not to see its copyright on Mickey expire.

It was actually supposed to do so in the early 2000s,

but Disney, among others, successfully lobbied Congress

to extend it another 20 years in a bill that was even nicknamed

at the time, the Mickey Mouse Protection Act.

And the truth is, even after this new deadline expires,

Disney may still be able to go after anyone using Mickey's likeness,

because crucially, only one particular version of the character

is about to become fair game.

Now, keep in mind that only the very first version of Mickey

is the one that will be stripped of its copyright.

That's the 1928 black-and-white version,

where Mickey's on the steamboat,

and back then Mickey looked more rat-like.

Disney will retain its copyright on any subsequent variations

in other films or artwork until they reach the 95-year mark.

She's right. The US copyright is only set to expire

for the original Steamboat Willie version of Mickey.

Disney's copyright still applies to the later versions

in which Mickey gives off strong Diane Keaton vibes,

by which I mean he's uncontrollably horny while wearing gloves.

On top of which, Disney has registered trademarks

related to Mickey which don't expire.

In fact, some have speculated that that might be why

Disney redesigned its animation studio's opening logo

to incorporate the Steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse.

And it does feel like a tactical legal move.

Basically, they may argue that this early Mickey's image

is so closely associated with their company

that people will automatically assume that any image of him

was produced or authorised by them and still take legal action.

So the fact is, anyone wanting to use the Steamboat Willie Mickey Mouse

will probably still be taking a risk.

But if you know anything about this show by now,

you know, we do like to take a risk every now and then.

And there's a lot to be said for b*ating the rush

to capitalise on Mickey that we'll be starting next year.

So tonight, I'd like to preview for you

our brand-new character on this show, Mickey Mouse!

Oh, boy! Hey there, Jon!

Oh, hey there, Mickey! It's so great to have you with us.

Where's Shelly Miscavige?

Oh, Mickey, there's the classic catchphrase

that you're going to be doing every time you're on this show from now on.

You know, the nice thing about characters entering the public domain

is that you can do new, interesting things with them.

I thought I was in public domain until next year!

That's actually true, buddy. We are pushing the limit a bit here.

Actually, come to think of it, is your voice public domain yet?

I guess you'll find out!

Yeah, I guess we will!

I hope Henry Kissinger dies soon!

Oh, me too, Mickey! You know what?

Consider that your second catchphrase. Bye!

The point is, we are staking our claim to Mickey Mouse right now.

And I know Disney's lawyers might take the trademark angle

and argue that this Mickey is closely associated with their brand,

although they should know that he's pretty closely associated

with our brand now, too,

and not just because I have a general vibe that screams

"95-year-old rat-faced idiot,"

but also because the steamboat Willie Mickey

has actually been in our opening credits

since the first show of this season.

And I don't doubt...

I do not doubt that Disney has some other legal arguments up their sleeve,

but we're only likely to find out what they are if and when they sue.

So you know what? Let's take this up a notch.

Come say hi, Mickey!

Come on, Mickey!

Oh!

That's nice! Here he is!

And you know what? Great news!

As of January 1st next year,

this mascot costume will be available to you for birthday parties,

theme park openings, funerals, sex dungeons,

basically whatever you want to use it for.

Hey there, Mickey!

Where's Shelly?

Oh! There he goes again.

Jeffrey Epstein didn't k*ll himself.

Oh! That's three catchphrases now, Mickey!

2024 is only 274 days away.

The countdown begins. That is our show.

Thank you so much for watching. We'll see you next week.

Goodnight. Hey, buddy!

[applause]

Where's Shelly Miscavige?

[MUSIC PLAYING]