08x23 - Alexander Lukashenko
Posted: 04/10/24 12:16
Welcome, welcome,
Welcome to "last week tonight!"
I'm john oliver.
Thank you so much for joining
Us.
We're back... Both in a studio
For the first time in 18 months,
And with a new set and a small,
vaccinated, masked audience, one
Of whom, and I'm not saying who,
has a breakthrough case.
Not of covid, though!
Relax!
Of smallpox.
So it's completely fine.
And we're going to dive straight
In tonight with texas, a state
So big it has three official
State mammals, two of which can
Go f*ck themselves, and exactly
One of which is the armadillo.
Which is the perfect animal.
For starters, it looks like a
Possum who works at medieval
Times.
Plus, armadillos can roll up in
A ball when they're scared.
Plus, they sleep for 16 hours a
Day which, relatable, and some
Scream like this to scare off
Predators.
Good boy, you tell them.
Sadly, though, tonight can't be
All fun armadillo facts, because
Texas is currently reeling from
An incredibly draconian new
Abortion law.
Abortion providers in texas
Have started turning away
Patients as the state's new
Abortion law took effect at
Midnight.
The texas law bans abortion
After about six weeks of
Pregnancy when a so-called
"Fetal heartbeat" is detected.
A controversial term because of
How undeveloped the embryo is at
That stage.
The law makes no exception for
r*pe or incest.
The new texas law does not
Allow state officials to enforce
The ban.
Instead, it lets private
Citizens sue anyone who helped a
Woman violate the law for
$10,000.
Yeah, it's true.
Private citizens can now sue
Others for aiding in an
Abortion, whether they're a
Doctor, a clinic worker, or even
An uber driver who took someone
To the clinic.
Meaning this law has somehow
Managed to do the impossible,
And make being an uber driver
Even worse.
"Hey, you don't get health
Insurance, people are gonna be
Assholes to you, and now you
Might also have a cash bounty on
Your head.
Now get out there and beg for
Stars."
After the law went into effect
Last week, the supreme court, in
A major step, took a pass on
Intervening... Something that
Was such a huge piece of news,
Even tmz had to weigh in.
The supreme court could have
Blocked this.
Because if any law seems counter
To roe vs wade, it would seem to
Be this.
The fact that they were
Completely silent on this just
Speaks volumes.
It speaks volumes, and the
Real world impact of this in
Texas is 85-90% of abortions in
Texas happen at the six week or
Later mark.
Most women don't even know
They're pregnant within the six
Week period.
Right, and the way that, you
Know, roe worked was, it was
About the viability of the
Fetus.
It was 20 to 24 weeks.
That's a massive period of time
In which women were having legal
Abortions.
Now in texas, if you get sued
Under this law, and you lose,
They can shut down your clinic.
They shut down the clinic.
They shut the clinic down.
What the f*ck?
Congratulations, texas, you just
Broke tmz.
They shouldn't be covering this
Story.
They should be doing what they
Do best, gathering round in a
Circle of america's worst
Bachelor and bachelorette party
Attendants while harvey hydrates
From a large container, and they
All dissect something like,
Whether or not katherine heigl's
Dog got butt implants.
You know, what they're good at.
That guy in shorts shouldn't be
Having to talk about fetal
Viability.
Though I guess if he's doing my
Job, I get to do his, and spend
The rest of tonight asking you
Which hot hollywood hunk has
These summer-ready abs?
Guys?
Guys?
It's wallace shawn.
Do you know what?
This is better.
It's a better show.
This law will have catastrophic
Effects.
Providers say it would have
Prevented at least 85% of the
Procedures previously completed
In the state.
And when governor abbott was
Pressed on why he signed a bill
That would essentially force
Someone who'd experienced r*pe
Or incest to carry a pregnancy
To term, his response...
Was something.
Let's make something very
Clear.
r*pe is a crime.
And texas will work tirelessly
To make sure that we eliminate
All rapists from the streets of
Texas by aggressively going out
And arresting them and
Prosecuting them and getting
Them off the streets.
Oh, f*ck off.
Just f*ck right off.
Set aside you're announcing
"We'll arrest rapists," like
It's a brand-new idea and you're
Tim cook unveiling a new iphone,
We could talk about how abbott
Clearly doesn't understand that
It's not just scary, faceless
Criminals on the streets
Perpetrating r*pes, but most
Often, it's actually someone
Known to the victim.
We could talk about how
Arresting rapists doesn't
Actually fix the problem of
Women needing legal, safe
Abortions.
We could talk about the myriad
Of reasons women get abortions,
And how framing the issue around
The most horrific situations
Further demonizes the procedure.
But honestly, it might just be
Quicker just to say f*ck off,
Greg, as shorthand for the other
Stuff we don't have time to get
Into.
Now, thankfully, people are
Pushing back hard.
On thursday, the doj announced
It was suing texas, calling the
Law an "unprecedented scheme to
Evade judicial review," which it
Is.
And when a pro-life group set up
A website where people could
Report violations of the new
Law, people started quickly
Flooding it with tips like
Claiming the fictional
Characters in marvel's avengers
Were apparently seeking
Abortions, which at the very
Least is a hell of a pitch for
An episode of "what if?"
And some went with an even
Blunter approach.
I found this website for
Like, anonymously snitching on
People who break the texas
Heartbeat act.
You can attach any file you want
To it, so I just sent them a
Bunch of shrek porn.
Yeah.
"Tiktok users bombard
Anti-abortion website with shrek
Porn" is one of those sentences
I never thought I'd have to say
Like, "everyone needs to stop
Talking about kim jong un's sexy
Bod, " and " ben affleck looks so
Happy right now!"
Look, f*cking with pro-lifers on
Tiktok is clearly funny, but
It's not going to roll back this
Law.
And texas seems to be facing few
Consequences for what it's done.
When greg abbott was asked
Whether he worried the law would
Deter investment in the state,
He said, "you need to understand
That there's a lot of businesses
And a lot of americans who like
The social positions that the
State of texas is taking."
And the thing is, so far, much
Of corporate america has decided
To not weigh in on this,
A stark contrast with their
Recent willingness to speak out
On voting rights, racial
Justice, and other social
Issues.
And it's not just silence here.
A major donor to the sponsors
And cosponsors of this bill is a
Political action committee
Belonging to at&t, who...
Pending approval of our sale to
Discovery... Are still
Technically our business daddy.
So we asked them to comment on
This, and they told us, "at&t
Has never taken a stance on
Abortion," an amazing sentence,
And "employee pac contributions
To texas legislators went to
Both supporters and opponents of
The texas legislation."
And listen, not taking a stance
On this issue, right now, is
Taking a stance.
And both-sides'ing abortion
Isn't really the pr slam dunk
They think it is.
Although it's certainly on
Brand.
At&t clearly likes their public
Statements the same way they
Like their cell signal:
Hilariously f*cking weak.
And look, the fight to undermine
The constitutional right to an
Abortion is not just happening
In texas.
The supreme court will hear
Arguments about a mississippi
Anti-abortion law later this
Year that's a direct challenge
To roe v wade.
This is not a hypothetical
Debate, but the latest
Escalation in the ongoing attack
On reproductive rights.
And I don't really have the
Words to express how infuriating
That is, but maybe this sums
Things up best.
Well said, buddy.
And now this.
And now, yet again, it's this
Time of year.
A fan favorite at starbucks
Is back whether you like it or
Not.
Bringing back its pumpkin spice
Latte.
Grows longer with each year.
Of pumpkins are just coming
Into season now, what is being
Used of that pumpkin spice
Flavor for the last three or for
Weeks?
And my response to him is I
Don't care.
Shut up, eric.
Nobody cares!
Eric, you f*cking nerd!
I like it.
I don't care.
I would have them together
But don't stick them in each
Other.
Get the coffee and the
Pumpkin, jam the pumpkin in the
Mill, shove it all until so I
Might live religiously.
Now bud light is rolling out
Of pumpkin spice hard seltzer.
Wait, what?
Actually, can we cut for a
Second?
Bud light?
Bud light seltzer?
Why would you do that?
I don't understand.
This isn't fun anymore.
You ruined it.
It was perfect and you ruined I
It.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
Belarus.
And I know you might be
Expecting me to play that game
Where I tell you that's not
Actually belarus, it's somewhere
Else.
But here's the thing, that game
Was supposed to encourage you to
Learn some basic geography.
And I started to get the sense
That some of you just grew to
Enjoy being humiliated by it.
Which is why those particular
People will be happy to know
That that's not actually
Belarus.
That's belarus.
Happy now, you freaks?
Specifically, we'd like to talk
About belarus' president and
Autocratic leader, alexander
Lukashenko, who has had quite a
Year.
In fact, you might have noticed
Stories about belarus popping up
With increasing regularity.
Especially since last august,
When they had a highly contested
Election which made
International headlines.
Thousands of people
Unleashing their fury in the
Capital city of minsk and
Elsewhere also around the
Country.
Mr. Lukashenko, who has ruled
For nearly three decades, has
Faced a wave of anger over his
Handling of the coronavirus
Pandemic and the economy.
Despite that, official
State-approved exit polls gave
Him an overwhelming majority of
It's true.
They claimed lukashenko won with
Which was immediately fishy for
A couple of reasons.
One, the massive protests that
Followed.
And two, the idea that any man
Could still be popular after
Nearly three decades in the
Public eye.
I've only had this show for
Eight years, and even I can
Barely stand the sight of me.
And belarusians aren't just
Furious at lukashenko for his
Handling of the coronavirus...
Although, from the beginning,
His management of it was
Incredibly reckless.
At first, he called the virus
A psychosis, and said it was
Treatable with vodka and saunas.
And at a crowded hockey game, he
Denied its existence.
I don't understand.
There are no viruses here.
Did you see any of them flying
Around?
"Yeah, that makes
Sense!
Just look around... You don't
See any covid viruses, do you?
Do you hear any ebola?
Smell any measles?
Taste any aids in the air?
No!
Of course not.
That's how you know they're not
Here!
What is here is your fearless
Leader, who's about to go and
Score a hat trick for the minsk
Midlife crises."
But lukashenko's terrible
Handling of covid is just the
Beginning here.
Lukashenko has described himself
As "the last and only dictator
In europe."
Which is, in itself, an amazing
Thing to say.
Bragging about being "the last
Dictator" is like bragging about
Being the last radio shack, or
The last person to make a movie
With harvey weinstein.
That's not an enviable title.
And sadly, for some belarusians,
He's the only leader they've
Ever known.
How old are you?
I am 22.
You're 22?
Yeah.
So, your whole life, lived
Under one president.
How does that feel for you?
Well, it feels like shit.
Yeah, I bet it does.
Especially since the person
Who's been in charge for that
Man's entire life is a hard
Boiled egg with a mustache who
Calls himself a dictator and
Thinks covid only exists if he
Can see it zooming around in a
Tiny little jet.
That protest was from last
September, and things have only
Escalated since then.
You may remember a belarusian
Athlete refusing to return home
During the tokyo olympics.
And back in may, this happened.
This morning, belarus is
Facing growing international
Protests and condemnation after
The country's president,
Alexander lukashenko sent a
Fighter jet to ground a
Commercial plane flying between,
Two european capitals.
And with it, 26-year-old
Dissident journalist roman
Protasevich and his girlfriend.
One passenger says roman
Pleaded, "don't do this.
They'll k*ll me."
The ryanair crew replied, "we
Have no choice."
Yeah, a journalist who
Was critical of the government
Briefly passed through
Belarusian airspace on a
Commercial flight, so lukashenko
Personally ordered a fighter jet
To intercept it and force it to
Land.
Now, belarusian authorities
Originally claimed they did that
Because of an emailed b*mb
Threat from hamas, but records
Show that email was sent 24
Minutes after they informed the
Pilot about the b*mb threat.
Not to mention it was sent from
Ahmedyurlanov1988@protonmail.com
With the subject line "allahu
Akbar."
Which is just impossibly lazy.
It's one step above emailing
From badguys6969@yahoo.com with
The subject line "t*rror1st
Stuff parentheses like 9/11."
So given how much things seem to
Be spiraling in belarus, we
Thought tonight, it'd be worth
Giving you some context for
What's happening over there, and
Taking a look at exactly who
Alexander lukashenko is.
And let's start with the fact
That he is the greatest
President in the history of
Belarus, specifically because he
Is the only president in the
History of belarus.
Lukashenko won the country's
First free and fair election in
Of the soviet union, when he, a
Former manager of a state-owned
Farm, vowed to raise taxes on
The rich and defeat corruption.
He was genuinely popular at the
Time.
Just listen to a former
Aide-turned-critic recall how
People reacted to him at his
Rallies.
Listening to him instead of
Leaving the stadium moved
Towards him like an avalanche.
I remember as if it happened
Yesterday.
They were reaching out to him
Like believers to a relic
Praying for god's grace.
Women were lifting up their
Children for lukashenko to touch
Them.
Others were reaching out with
Books, newspapers, or even
Banknotes just to get his
Autograph.
Well, lukashenko was no michael
Jackson, but this is what really
Happened.
Well, hold on.
Was he no michael jackson?
Think about it.
Lukashenko was immensely popular
In the '90s, diehard fans packed
Stadiums to see him, and he
Eventually torpedoed his
Reputation because it turns out
He was an absolute monster.
To be honest, I think lukashenko
Fully earned that comparison.
And he still very much plays up
His humble farm background
Through photo ops, like this
One, where he's harvesting
Potatoes while dressed like chef
Boyardee at an orgy.
He once gave four bags of
Potatoes and a tub of lard to
Vladimir putin as a christmas
Gift, and when steven seagal
Visited belarus, lukashenko also
Gifted him produce, with "the
Washington post" poetically
Writing at the time, "there was
No hesitation on steven seagal's
Face as he took a raw, freshly
Peeled carrot from the hands of
The belarusan president
Alexander lukashenko and bit
Into it with a satisfying
Chomp."
Which is just a tapestry of
Words.
You don't even need a video to
Imagine what it was like to
Steven seagal using his mouth
Bones to break off the tip of
That rabbit hot dog.
But we are going to show it to
You anyway.
Magnificent.
No disrespect to seagal classics
Like "under siege," "hard to
k*ll," "above the law," and
Probably something called
"Hunting the fire" or whatever,
But that is the greatest film
Steven seagal has ever made.
But for all lukashenko's
Common-man posturing, his
Promises to combat corruption
Quickly fell apart.
Just five months into his
Presidency, a deputy compiled an
Investigation into corruption in
Parliament, which was said to
Have contained charges against
Various high-ranking officials.
But the government banned all
Press coverage of the report, to
The point where local newspapers
That had planned to publish the
Results of it, instead ended up
Publishing blank pages like
These.
And that was just the beginning
Of a decades-long as*ault on the
Press.
Shortly afterward, lukashenko
Replaced the editors-in-chief of
Four leading newspapers, and
Took the national radio and
Television under strict control,
Creating an environment so
Hostile to independent
Journalism, belarus is now
Considered the most dangerous
Country in europe for members of
The media... With members
Constantly subjected to
v*olence, arbitrary detentions,
Interrogations, raids and more.
And the control lukashenko
Exerts over even small, petty
Details is incredible.
Is it true that you cannot
Film the back of lukashenko's
Head?
Yes, it's true.
Is it because he has a bald
Patch?
Yeah, it's kind of very weird
Haircut.
So it's growing from one side.
Wait a minute, you're
Telling me this guy is bald?
This guy?
This guy?
This man right here?
You're telling me that this guy
Is bald?
Bald, you say?
You know, I think you might be
Right.
It looks like he grew his left
Sideburn into a rattail and then
Shellacked it onto his bare
Scalp.
The answer to the question, "is
Lukashenko bald," at this point
Is a resounding, "I wish."
But lukashenko's bizarre
Behavior goes well beyond
Censoring the media and
Force-feeding steven seagal raw
Vegetables.
Over the years, he's made
Statements like, better to be a
Dictator than gay, and, "not
Everything connected in germany
With the well-known adolf hitler
Was bad," taking the phrase
"Playing devil's advocate" a bit
Too literally.
And if you're thinking, "okay,
But who didn't accidentally
Praise hitler in the '90s?"
First, why are you thinking
That?
And second, just this summer he
Said the entire world "grovels
To the jews."
Which is obviously awful.
Lukashenko treats anti-semitism
The way fashion treats low-rise
Bell bottoms.
He keeps bringing it back even
When it was never acceptable at
Any point in history.
Overall, lukashenko operates
From the standard authoritarian
Playbook.
And he's repeatedly worked to
Codify his power using a
Controversial referendum in 1996
To extend his first term and
Dramatically increase his powers
And weaken those of the
Legislature, and then using a
Second referendum to completely
Remove term limits in 2004.
At this point, outside observer
Groups have reported that none
Of his last five election
Victories have been legitimate.
And throughout his time as
President, lukashenko has
Clamped down hard on the
Slightest signs of dissent.
In 2012, two men staged "toy
Protests," with stuffed animals
Holding anti-lukashenko slogans,
Objectively the cutest display
Of civil disobedience I've ever
Seen.
But that wound up getting both
Those men sentenced to ten days
In jail, a sentence that, in
Itself, actually inspired a
Follow-up protest.
In july, hundreds of teddy
Bears rained down on belarus.
They wore parachutes and carried
Pro-democracy messages.
The man behind the prank is a
Marketing executive with a
Swedish firm.
He took off from lithuania in
This tiny plane.
For 90 minutes, he let the fur
Fly.
Perfect.
I love it.
Ten out of ten.
We should be dropping
Parachuting teddy bears from the
Sky here all the time.
Not even as an act of protest.
It should just be a thing we do.
"Oh, it's 1:00 p.m., Everyone!
It's daily parachuting teddy
Bear time."
Why did we even invent planes if
We're not going to use them to
Drop teddy bears out of the sky
And instantly improve everyone's
Day?
I don't understand the society
We've built for ourselves.
We're f*cking idiots.
Now, unsurprisingly, lukashenko
Tried to cover that incident up,
Which proved to be impossible,
Due to, you know, the internet.
So instead, he tried to save
Face by firing two generals...
The head of the border service
And the head of the air force.
But the thing is, even though
Protests like those can be
Whimsical, what happens to
Dissidents in belarus is
Horrific.
Opposition figures have
Disappeared over the years, and
Some are suspected to have been
m*rder*d by the state.
And there have been numerous
Allegations of political
Detainees being tortured, as
This bbc journalist once tried
To demonstrate, in a pretty bold
Manner.
The opposition in belarus say
They were tortured by being
Forced to strip naked in
Freezing conditions.
So we go to a cold store in
North london where the
Temperature is -24 celsius.
So the guards forced the
Prisoners to strip naked and
Stand in this position,
Spread-eagled.
At -20, there was snow outside.
In the jargon of t*rture, this
Is a stress position.
Quick question, and it
Has nothing to do with the
Prisoner t*rture, why did you do
That?
You could have just told us the
Prisoners were forced to stand
In the cold naked.
We'd have believed you.
And we'd have been able to
Imagine what that looked like.
We really didn't need to see you
Standing there, cakes out, to
Get your very basic point.
And the thing is, that brutality
Has only escalated.
Recently, lukashenko has
Increased the number of arrests
Of human rights activists and
Journalists, and police have
Raided their offices and homes.
Just this week, an opposition
Leader was sentenced by the
State to 11 years in prison.
And even when dissidents manage
To escape belarus, they may not
Be safe.
A few weeks ago, an activist
Who'd fled to ukraine went out
For a run and was found hanged
In a park.
And while that hasn't been
Officially confirmed as m*rder
Officially confirmed as m*rder,
Come on.
I'm not sure which species of
Trees are native to ukraine, but
I don't think any of them
Naturally have belarusian
Dissidents hanging from them.
The point is, for nearly three
Decades now, belarus has
Experienced a brutal cycle of
Oppression in which lukashenko
Wins elections that are neither
Free nor fair, locks up his
Political opponents, people take
To the streets in protest, and
He violently cracks down.
It's no wonder the belarusian
People seem to have had enough.
A leaked poll showed that only
About a third of the population
Trusts lukashenko.
Which is impressively low,
Considering, remember, he
Controls the national media.
And even there, his grip is
Slipping.
Last year, presenters on a
State-tv morning show walked off
And resigned, leaving viewers
Watching this.
Wow.
That's both a brave act of
Protest by belarusian
Broadcasters, and also
Everyone's dream panel on "the
View."
And you do get the sense
Lukashenko may be feeling some
Pressure.
When marchers likened him to a
Cockroach and online polls
Showed him having only 3%
Support from his people, instead
Of simply ignoring it, this was
How he responded.
Do you really believe that
The serving president has just
Stop harassing and insulting us,
Calling me "a mustached
Cockroach," etcetera.
I am still the president of this
Country.
In no country in the world are
You allowed to insult people.
Uh, yes, you are.
Yeah, you definitely are.
I'll prove it.
Your suit's too big, you suck at
Hockey, and whatever it is
You're doing with your hair
Isn't f*cking working.
See?
Not in jail.
I'm not in jail.
So things are clearly bleak in
Belarus.
And sviatlana tsikhanouskaya...
The woman widely believed to be
The real winner of last year's
Election, and who, by the way,
Only ran after her husband,
Lukashenko's initial opponent,
Was imprisoned... Has fled the
Country.
But she's still leading the
Country's pro-democracy movement
From exile.
She's asked world leaders to
Demand the release of what's
Thought to be over 650 political
Prisoners.
And I will say, the e.u., The
U.s., The u.k. And canada have
Imposed sanctions on belarus
Targeting everything from close
Associates of lukashenko to the
Belarusian economy.
And the biden administration has
Just recently imposed more.
But the truth is, sanctions can
Only do so much.
And lukashenko doesn't seem keen
To end his reign.
In fact, many think that he's
Groomed his youngest son kolya
To take his place, because since
He was young, he's been dragging
Him along everywhere he goes on
State business.
Here he is.
Here he is again.
Here he is again.
He's in all of these photos.
I don't know when european
"Bring your kid to work day" is,
But it can't be "always."
So at this point, it looks like
The only thing that will really
Improve things in belarus is if
The people there somehow manage
To reform their constitution and
Ensure that free and fair
Elections are finally held.
And as we've seen tonight,
Fighting for those changes is
Going to be incredibly risky.
But there may be one extremely
Small way that we can help here,
Or, if not help, at least annoy
The shit out of lukashenko.
Because if there's one thing we
Know he hates... Other than gay
People, jews, his own bald head,
And anyone who disagrees with
Him... It's teddy bears.
And why wouldn't he?
I mean, look at them!
They're everything he's not...
Cute, lovable, and covered in
Thick, natural, hair all the way
Around.
So we decided to make our own
Special teddy bear in his honor.
As you can see, he's wearing a
Shirt with farmer lukashenko's
Favorite vegetables in a totally
Random configuration.
If you think they look like
Something else, what does that
Say about you?
And instead of dropping them
From a plane over belarus, we're
Offering them to you at this
Website, belarusbearforce.com
For the price of $19.99.
We've partnered with global
Giving to give 100 percent of
Sales to organizations fighting
For freedom of the press and
Human rights for the people of
Belarus.
So please, buy one of these
Bears.
And not just for the people of
Belarus, but for me.
We bought 10,000 of these
Things, and if we don't get rid
Of them all, I am in real
Trouble.
Go to belarusbearforce.com.
Buy one for yourself, your
Parents, your least politically
Informed coworker, or your
Friend's new baby who you have
No idea what to get because it's
Not like you've ever hung out
With it before.
So be sure to order your teddy
Bear today and support the
People of belarus!
I promise you, they are flight
Ready.
That's our show, thank you so
Much for watching.
It's great to be back.
Good night!
Welcome to "last week tonight!"
I'm john oliver.
Thank you so much for joining
Us.
We're back... Both in a studio
For the first time in 18 months,
And with a new set and a small,
vaccinated, masked audience, one
Of whom, and I'm not saying who,
has a breakthrough case.
Not of covid, though!
Relax!
Of smallpox.
So it's completely fine.
And we're going to dive straight
In tonight with texas, a state
So big it has three official
State mammals, two of which can
Go f*ck themselves, and exactly
One of which is the armadillo.
Which is the perfect animal.
For starters, it looks like a
Possum who works at medieval
Times.
Plus, armadillos can roll up in
A ball when they're scared.
Plus, they sleep for 16 hours a
Day which, relatable, and some
Scream like this to scare off
Predators.
Good boy, you tell them.
Sadly, though, tonight can't be
All fun armadillo facts, because
Texas is currently reeling from
An incredibly draconian new
Abortion law.
Abortion providers in texas
Have started turning away
Patients as the state's new
Abortion law took effect at
Midnight.
The texas law bans abortion
After about six weeks of
Pregnancy when a so-called
"Fetal heartbeat" is detected.
A controversial term because of
How undeveloped the embryo is at
That stage.
The law makes no exception for
r*pe or incest.
The new texas law does not
Allow state officials to enforce
The ban.
Instead, it lets private
Citizens sue anyone who helped a
Woman violate the law for
$10,000.
Yeah, it's true.
Private citizens can now sue
Others for aiding in an
Abortion, whether they're a
Doctor, a clinic worker, or even
An uber driver who took someone
To the clinic.
Meaning this law has somehow
Managed to do the impossible,
And make being an uber driver
Even worse.
"Hey, you don't get health
Insurance, people are gonna be
Assholes to you, and now you
Might also have a cash bounty on
Your head.
Now get out there and beg for
Stars."
After the law went into effect
Last week, the supreme court, in
A major step, took a pass on
Intervening... Something that
Was such a huge piece of news,
Even tmz had to weigh in.
The supreme court could have
Blocked this.
Because if any law seems counter
To roe vs wade, it would seem to
Be this.
The fact that they were
Completely silent on this just
Speaks volumes.
It speaks volumes, and the
Real world impact of this in
Texas is 85-90% of abortions in
Texas happen at the six week or
Later mark.
Most women don't even know
They're pregnant within the six
Week period.
Right, and the way that, you
Know, roe worked was, it was
About the viability of the
Fetus.
It was 20 to 24 weeks.
That's a massive period of time
In which women were having legal
Abortions.
Now in texas, if you get sued
Under this law, and you lose,
They can shut down your clinic.
They shut down the clinic.
They shut the clinic down.
What the f*ck?
Congratulations, texas, you just
Broke tmz.
They shouldn't be covering this
Story.
They should be doing what they
Do best, gathering round in a
Circle of america's worst
Bachelor and bachelorette party
Attendants while harvey hydrates
From a large container, and they
All dissect something like,
Whether or not katherine heigl's
Dog got butt implants.
You know, what they're good at.
That guy in shorts shouldn't be
Having to talk about fetal
Viability.
Though I guess if he's doing my
Job, I get to do his, and spend
The rest of tonight asking you
Which hot hollywood hunk has
These summer-ready abs?
Guys?
Guys?
It's wallace shawn.
Do you know what?
This is better.
It's a better show.
This law will have catastrophic
Effects.
Providers say it would have
Prevented at least 85% of the
Procedures previously completed
In the state.
And when governor abbott was
Pressed on why he signed a bill
That would essentially force
Someone who'd experienced r*pe
Or incest to carry a pregnancy
To term, his response...
Was something.
Let's make something very
Clear.
r*pe is a crime.
And texas will work tirelessly
To make sure that we eliminate
All rapists from the streets of
Texas by aggressively going out
And arresting them and
Prosecuting them and getting
Them off the streets.
Oh, f*ck off.
Just f*ck right off.
Set aside you're announcing
"We'll arrest rapists," like
It's a brand-new idea and you're
Tim cook unveiling a new iphone,
We could talk about how abbott
Clearly doesn't understand that
It's not just scary, faceless
Criminals on the streets
Perpetrating r*pes, but most
Often, it's actually someone
Known to the victim.
We could talk about how
Arresting rapists doesn't
Actually fix the problem of
Women needing legal, safe
Abortions.
We could talk about the myriad
Of reasons women get abortions,
And how framing the issue around
The most horrific situations
Further demonizes the procedure.
But honestly, it might just be
Quicker just to say f*ck off,
Greg, as shorthand for the other
Stuff we don't have time to get
Into.
Now, thankfully, people are
Pushing back hard.
On thursday, the doj announced
It was suing texas, calling the
Law an "unprecedented scheme to
Evade judicial review," which it
Is.
And when a pro-life group set up
A website where people could
Report violations of the new
Law, people started quickly
Flooding it with tips like
Claiming the fictional
Characters in marvel's avengers
Were apparently seeking
Abortions, which at the very
Least is a hell of a pitch for
An episode of "what if?"
And some went with an even
Blunter approach.
I found this website for
Like, anonymously snitching on
People who break the texas
Heartbeat act.
You can attach any file you want
To it, so I just sent them a
Bunch of shrek porn.
Yeah.
"Tiktok users bombard
Anti-abortion website with shrek
Porn" is one of those sentences
I never thought I'd have to say
Like, "everyone needs to stop
Talking about kim jong un's sexy
Bod, " and " ben affleck looks so
Happy right now!"
Look, f*cking with pro-lifers on
Tiktok is clearly funny, but
It's not going to roll back this
Law.
And texas seems to be facing few
Consequences for what it's done.
When greg abbott was asked
Whether he worried the law would
Deter investment in the state,
He said, "you need to understand
That there's a lot of businesses
And a lot of americans who like
The social positions that the
State of texas is taking."
And the thing is, so far, much
Of corporate america has decided
To not weigh in on this,
A stark contrast with their
Recent willingness to speak out
On voting rights, racial
Justice, and other social
Issues.
And it's not just silence here.
A major donor to the sponsors
And cosponsors of this bill is a
Political action committee
Belonging to at&t, who...
Pending approval of our sale to
Discovery... Are still
Technically our business daddy.
So we asked them to comment on
This, and they told us, "at&t
Has never taken a stance on
Abortion," an amazing sentence,
And "employee pac contributions
To texas legislators went to
Both supporters and opponents of
The texas legislation."
And listen, not taking a stance
On this issue, right now, is
Taking a stance.
And both-sides'ing abortion
Isn't really the pr slam dunk
They think it is.
Although it's certainly on
Brand.
At&t clearly likes their public
Statements the same way they
Like their cell signal:
Hilariously f*cking weak.
And look, the fight to undermine
The constitutional right to an
Abortion is not just happening
In texas.
The supreme court will hear
Arguments about a mississippi
Anti-abortion law later this
Year that's a direct challenge
To roe v wade.
This is not a hypothetical
Debate, but the latest
Escalation in the ongoing attack
On reproductive rights.
And I don't really have the
Words to express how infuriating
That is, but maybe this sums
Things up best.
Well said, buddy.
And now this.
And now, yet again, it's this
Time of year.
A fan favorite at starbucks
Is back whether you like it or
Not.
Bringing back its pumpkin spice
Latte.
Grows longer with each year.
Of pumpkins are just coming
Into season now, what is being
Used of that pumpkin spice
Flavor for the last three or for
Weeks?
And my response to him is I
Don't care.
Shut up, eric.
Nobody cares!
Eric, you f*cking nerd!
I like it.
I don't care.
I would have them together
But don't stick them in each
Other.
Get the coffee and the
Pumpkin, jam the pumpkin in the
Mill, shove it all until so I
Might live religiously.
Now bud light is rolling out
Of pumpkin spice hard seltzer.
Wait, what?
Actually, can we cut for a
Second?
Bud light?
Bud light seltzer?
Why would you do that?
I don't understand.
This isn't fun anymore.
You ruined it.
It was perfect and you ruined I
It.
Moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
Belarus.
And I know you might be
Expecting me to play that game
Where I tell you that's not
Actually belarus, it's somewhere
Else.
But here's the thing, that game
Was supposed to encourage you to
Learn some basic geography.
And I started to get the sense
That some of you just grew to
Enjoy being humiliated by it.
Which is why those particular
People will be happy to know
That that's not actually
Belarus.
That's belarus.
Happy now, you freaks?
Specifically, we'd like to talk
About belarus' president and
Autocratic leader, alexander
Lukashenko, who has had quite a
Year.
In fact, you might have noticed
Stories about belarus popping up
With increasing regularity.
Especially since last august,
When they had a highly contested
Election which made
International headlines.
Thousands of people
Unleashing their fury in the
Capital city of minsk and
Elsewhere also around the
Country.
Mr. Lukashenko, who has ruled
For nearly three decades, has
Faced a wave of anger over his
Handling of the coronavirus
Pandemic and the economy.
Despite that, official
State-approved exit polls gave
Him an overwhelming majority of
It's true.
They claimed lukashenko won with
Which was immediately fishy for
A couple of reasons.
One, the massive protests that
Followed.
And two, the idea that any man
Could still be popular after
Nearly three decades in the
Public eye.
I've only had this show for
Eight years, and even I can
Barely stand the sight of me.
And belarusians aren't just
Furious at lukashenko for his
Handling of the coronavirus...
Although, from the beginning,
His management of it was
Incredibly reckless.
At first, he called the virus
A psychosis, and said it was
Treatable with vodka and saunas.
And at a crowded hockey game, he
Denied its existence.
I don't understand.
There are no viruses here.
Did you see any of them flying
Around?
"Yeah, that makes
Sense!
Just look around... You don't
See any covid viruses, do you?
Do you hear any ebola?
Smell any measles?
Taste any aids in the air?
No!
Of course not.
That's how you know they're not
Here!
What is here is your fearless
Leader, who's about to go and
Score a hat trick for the minsk
Midlife crises."
But lukashenko's terrible
Handling of covid is just the
Beginning here.
Lukashenko has described himself
As "the last and only dictator
In europe."
Which is, in itself, an amazing
Thing to say.
Bragging about being "the last
Dictator" is like bragging about
Being the last radio shack, or
The last person to make a movie
With harvey weinstein.
That's not an enviable title.
And sadly, for some belarusians,
He's the only leader they've
Ever known.
How old are you?
I am 22.
You're 22?
Yeah.
So, your whole life, lived
Under one president.
How does that feel for you?
Well, it feels like shit.
Yeah, I bet it does.
Especially since the person
Who's been in charge for that
Man's entire life is a hard
Boiled egg with a mustache who
Calls himself a dictator and
Thinks covid only exists if he
Can see it zooming around in a
Tiny little jet.
That protest was from last
September, and things have only
Escalated since then.
You may remember a belarusian
Athlete refusing to return home
During the tokyo olympics.
And back in may, this happened.
This morning, belarus is
Facing growing international
Protests and condemnation after
The country's president,
Alexander lukashenko sent a
Fighter jet to ground a
Commercial plane flying between,
Two european capitals.
And with it, 26-year-old
Dissident journalist roman
Protasevich and his girlfriend.
One passenger says roman
Pleaded, "don't do this.
They'll k*ll me."
The ryanair crew replied, "we
Have no choice."
Yeah, a journalist who
Was critical of the government
Briefly passed through
Belarusian airspace on a
Commercial flight, so lukashenko
Personally ordered a fighter jet
To intercept it and force it to
Land.
Now, belarusian authorities
Originally claimed they did that
Because of an emailed b*mb
Threat from hamas, but records
Show that email was sent 24
Minutes after they informed the
Pilot about the b*mb threat.
Not to mention it was sent from
Ahmedyurlanov1988@protonmail.com
With the subject line "allahu
Akbar."
Which is just impossibly lazy.
It's one step above emailing
From badguys6969@yahoo.com with
The subject line "t*rror1st
Stuff parentheses like 9/11."
So given how much things seem to
Be spiraling in belarus, we
Thought tonight, it'd be worth
Giving you some context for
What's happening over there, and
Taking a look at exactly who
Alexander lukashenko is.
And let's start with the fact
That he is the greatest
President in the history of
Belarus, specifically because he
Is the only president in the
History of belarus.
Lukashenko won the country's
First free and fair election in
Of the soviet union, when he, a
Former manager of a state-owned
Farm, vowed to raise taxes on
The rich and defeat corruption.
He was genuinely popular at the
Time.
Just listen to a former
Aide-turned-critic recall how
People reacted to him at his
Rallies.
Listening to him instead of
Leaving the stadium moved
Towards him like an avalanche.
I remember as if it happened
Yesterday.
They were reaching out to him
Like believers to a relic
Praying for god's grace.
Women were lifting up their
Children for lukashenko to touch
Them.
Others were reaching out with
Books, newspapers, or even
Banknotes just to get his
Autograph.
Well, lukashenko was no michael
Jackson, but this is what really
Happened.
Well, hold on.
Was he no michael jackson?
Think about it.
Lukashenko was immensely popular
In the '90s, diehard fans packed
Stadiums to see him, and he
Eventually torpedoed his
Reputation because it turns out
He was an absolute monster.
To be honest, I think lukashenko
Fully earned that comparison.
And he still very much plays up
His humble farm background
Through photo ops, like this
One, where he's harvesting
Potatoes while dressed like chef
Boyardee at an orgy.
He once gave four bags of
Potatoes and a tub of lard to
Vladimir putin as a christmas
Gift, and when steven seagal
Visited belarus, lukashenko also
Gifted him produce, with "the
Washington post" poetically
Writing at the time, "there was
No hesitation on steven seagal's
Face as he took a raw, freshly
Peeled carrot from the hands of
The belarusan president
Alexander lukashenko and bit
Into it with a satisfying
Chomp."
Which is just a tapestry of
Words.
You don't even need a video to
Imagine what it was like to
Steven seagal using his mouth
Bones to break off the tip of
That rabbit hot dog.
But we are going to show it to
You anyway.
Magnificent.
No disrespect to seagal classics
Like "under siege," "hard to
k*ll," "above the law," and
Probably something called
"Hunting the fire" or whatever,
But that is the greatest film
Steven seagal has ever made.
But for all lukashenko's
Common-man posturing, his
Promises to combat corruption
Quickly fell apart.
Just five months into his
Presidency, a deputy compiled an
Investigation into corruption in
Parliament, which was said to
Have contained charges against
Various high-ranking officials.
But the government banned all
Press coverage of the report, to
The point where local newspapers
That had planned to publish the
Results of it, instead ended up
Publishing blank pages like
These.
And that was just the beginning
Of a decades-long as*ault on the
Press.
Shortly afterward, lukashenko
Replaced the editors-in-chief of
Four leading newspapers, and
Took the national radio and
Television under strict control,
Creating an environment so
Hostile to independent
Journalism, belarus is now
Considered the most dangerous
Country in europe for members of
The media... With members
Constantly subjected to
v*olence, arbitrary detentions,
Interrogations, raids and more.
And the control lukashenko
Exerts over even small, petty
Details is incredible.
Is it true that you cannot
Film the back of lukashenko's
Head?
Yes, it's true.
Is it because he has a bald
Patch?
Yeah, it's kind of very weird
Haircut.
So it's growing from one side.
Wait a minute, you're
Telling me this guy is bald?
This guy?
This guy?
This man right here?
You're telling me that this guy
Is bald?
Bald, you say?
You know, I think you might be
Right.
It looks like he grew his left
Sideburn into a rattail and then
Shellacked it onto his bare
Scalp.
The answer to the question, "is
Lukashenko bald," at this point
Is a resounding, "I wish."
But lukashenko's bizarre
Behavior goes well beyond
Censoring the media and
Force-feeding steven seagal raw
Vegetables.
Over the years, he's made
Statements like, better to be a
Dictator than gay, and, "not
Everything connected in germany
With the well-known adolf hitler
Was bad," taking the phrase
"Playing devil's advocate" a bit
Too literally.
And if you're thinking, "okay,
But who didn't accidentally
Praise hitler in the '90s?"
First, why are you thinking
That?
And second, just this summer he
Said the entire world "grovels
To the jews."
Which is obviously awful.
Lukashenko treats anti-semitism
The way fashion treats low-rise
Bell bottoms.
He keeps bringing it back even
When it was never acceptable at
Any point in history.
Overall, lukashenko operates
From the standard authoritarian
Playbook.
And he's repeatedly worked to
Codify his power using a
Controversial referendum in 1996
To extend his first term and
Dramatically increase his powers
And weaken those of the
Legislature, and then using a
Second referendum to completely
Remove term limits in 2004.
At this point, outside observer
Groups have reported that none
Of his last five election
Victories have been legitimate.
And throughout his time as
President, lukashenko has
Clamped down hard on the
Slightest signs of dissent.
In 2012, two men staged "toy
Protests," with stuffed animals
Holding anti-lukashenko slogans,
Objectively the cutest display
Of civil disobedience I've ever
Seen.
But that wound up getting both
Those men sentenced to ten days
In jail, a sentence that, in
Itself, actually inspired a
Follow-up protest.
In july, hundreds of teddy
Bears rained down on belarus.
They wore parachutes and carried
Pro-democracy messages.
The man behind the prank is a
Marketing executive with a
Swedish firm.
He took off from lithuania in
This tiny plane.
For 90 minutes, he let the fur
Fly.
Perfect.
I love it.
Ten out of ten.
We should be dropping
Parachuting teddy bears from the
Sky here all the time.
Not even as an act of protest.
It should just be a thing we do.
"Oh, it's 1:00 p.m., Everyone!
It's daily parachuting teddy
Bear time."
Why did we even invent planes if
We're not going to use them to
Drop teddy bears out of the sky
And instantly improve everyone's
Day?
I don't understand the society
We've built for ourselves.
We're f*cking idiots.
Now, unsurprisingly, lukashenko
Tried to cover that incident up,
Which proved to be impossible,
Due to, you know, the internet.
So instead, he tried to save
Face by firing two generals...
The head of the border service
And the head of the air force.
But the thing is, even though
Protests like those can be
Whimsical, what happens to
Dissidents in belarus is
Horrific.
Opposition figures have
Disappeared over the years, and
Some are suspected to have been
m*rder*d by the state.
And there have been numerous
Allegations of political
Detainees being tortured, as
This bbc journalist once tried
To demonstrate, in a pretty bold
Manner.
The opposition in belarus say
They were tortured by being
Forced to strip naked in
Freezing conditions.
So we go to a cold store in
North london where the
Temperature is -24 celsius.
So the guards forced the
Prisoners to strip naked and
Stand in this position,
Spread-eagled.
At -20, there was snow outside.
In the jargon of t*rture, this
Is a stress position.
Quick question, and it
Has nothing to do with the
Prisoner t*rture, why did you do
That?
You could have just told us the
Prisoners were forced to stand
In the cold naked.
We'd have believed you.
And we'd have been able to
Imagine what that looked like.
We really didn't need to see you
Standing there, cakes out, to
Get your very basic point.
And the thing is, that brutality
Has only escalated.
Recently, lukashenko has
Increased the number of arrests
Of human rights activists and
Journalists, and police have
Raided their offices and homes.
Just this week, an opposition
Leader was sentenced by the
State to 11 years in prison.
And even when dissidents manage
To escape belarus, they may not
Be safe.
A few weeks ago, an activist
Who'd fled to ukraine went out
For a run and was found hanged
In a park.
And while that hasn't been
Officially confirmed as m*rder
Officially confirmed as m*rder,
Come on.
I'm not sure which species of
Trees are native to ukraine, but
I don't think any of them
Naturally have belarusian
Dissidents hanging from them.
The point is, for nearly three
Decades now, belarus has
Experienced a brutal cycle of
Oppression in which lukashenko
Wins elections that are neither
Free nor fair, locks up his
Political opponents, people take
To the streets in protest, and
He violently cracks down.
It's no wonder the belarusian
People seem to have had enough.
A leaked poll showed that only
About a third of the population
Trusts lukashenko.
Which is impressively low,
Considering, remember, he
Controls the national media.
And even there, his grip is
Slipping.
Last year, presenters on a
State-tv morning show walked off
And resigned, leaving viewers
Watching this.
Wow.
That's both a brave act of
Protest by belarusian
Broadcasters, and also
Everyone's dream panel on "the
View."
And you do get the sense
Lukashenko may be feeling some
Pressure.
When marchers likened him to a
Cockroach and online polls
Showed him having only 3%
Support from his people, instead
Of simply ignoring it, this was
How he responded.
Do you really believe that
The serving president has just
Stop harassing and insulting us,
Calling me "a mustached
Cockroach," etcetera.
I am still the president of this
Country.
In no country in the world are
You allowed to insult people.
Uh, yes, you are.
Yeah, you definitely are.
I'll prove it.
Your suit's too big, you suck at
Hockey, and whatever it is
You're doing with your hair
Isn't f*cking working.
See?
Not in jail.
I'm not in jail.
So things are clearly bleak in
Belarus.
And sviatlana tsikhanouskaya...
The woman widely believed to be
The real winner of last year's
Election, and who, by the way,
Only ran after her husband,
Lukashenko's initial opponent,
Was imprisoned... Has fled the
Country.
But she's still leading the
Country's pro-democracy movement
From exile.
She's asked world leaders to
Demand the release of what's
Thought to be over 650 political
Prisoners.
And I will say, the e.u., The
U.s., The u.k. And canada have
Imposed sanctions on belarus
Targeting everything from close
Associates of lukashenko to the
Belarusian economy.
And the biden administration has
Just recently imposed more.
But the truth is, sanctions can
Only do so much.
And lukashenko doesn't seem keen
To end his reign.
In fact, many think that he's
Groomed his youngest son kolya
To take his place, because since
He was young, he's been dragging
Him along everywhere he goes on
State business.
Here he is.
Here he is again.
Here he is again.
He's in all of these photos.
I don't know when european
"Bring your kid to work day" is,
But it can't be "always."
So at this point, it looks like
The only thing that will really
Improve things in belarus is if
The people there somehow manage
To reform their constitution and
Ensure that free and fair
Elections are finally held.
And as we've seen tonight,
Fighting for those changes is
Going to be incredibly risky.
But there may be one extremely
Small way that we can help here,
Or, if not help, at least annoy
The shit out of lukashenko.
Because if there's one thing we
Know he hates... Other than gay
People, jews, his own bald head,
And anyone who disagrees with
Him... It's teddy bears.
And why wouldn't he?
I mean, look at them!
They're everything he's not...
Cute, lovable, and covered in
Thick, natural, hair all the way
Around.
So we decided to make our own
Special teddy bear in his honor.
As you can see, he's wearing a
Shirt with farmer lukashenko's
Favorite vegetables in a totally
Random configuration.
If you think they look like
Something else, what does that
Say about you?
And instead of dropping them
From a plane over belarus, we're
Offering them to you at this
Website, belarusbearforce.com
For the price of $19.99.
We've partnered with global
Giving to give 100 percent of
Sales to organizations fighting
For freedom of the press and
Human rights for the people of
Belarus.
So please, buy one of these
Bears.
And not just for the people of
Belarus, but for me.
We bought 10,000 of these
Things, and if we don't get rid
Of them all, I am in real
Trouble.
Go to belarusbearforce.com.
Buy one for yourself, your
Parents, your least politically
Informed coworker, or your
Friend's new baby who you have
No idea what to get because it's
Not like you've ever hung out
With it before.
So be sure to order your teddy
Bear today and support the
People of belarus!
I promise you, they are flight
Ready.
That's our show, thank you so
Much for watching.
It's great to be back.
Good night!