07x29 - Election Results 2020

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

John: hi there, welcome to

The show.

Still taking place in this blank

Void.

Which, fun fact, is actually

Just a zoomed-in picture of this

"I voted" sticker.

Which is great!

Unfortunately, that sticker is

Attached to james woods, which

Is very much not.

And obviously, we're going to

Start with our main story

Tonight, which is the 2020

Election, or as it's known for

Horses, "just another week."

Look at them.

They've got no clue.

Hot idiots.

This was clearly a very long,

Very tense week, although

Thankfully, it all felt worth it

Due to how it ended.

Cnn projects

Joseph r. Biden jr. Is elected

The 46th president of the

United states, winning

The white house and denying

President trump a second term.

John: yeah!

That definitely happened.

Trump isn't going to be

President anymore... Something I

Personally learned from no less

Than 20 text messages from my

Friends and family all saying

"It's over!"

Which, in this situation, was

Welcome, but on any regular day

Would terrify the living shit

Out of me.

As we are taping this on

Saturday, people across america

Are still taking to the streets

To celebrate not just that biden

And harris were elected, but you

Sensed, mainly, that a certain

Someone was about to get evicted

From the white house.

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Celebrate good times,

Come on ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Good-bye ♪

f*ck donald trump!

[Horn honking]

John: you know what?

That person screaming

"f*ck donald trump" from the

Back of a moving scooter

Actually sums up pretty

Nicely how a lot of people feel

Right now.

And I've got to tell you, it was

Like that all day here in

New york.

There was a mood here that

Can only be described as a

"Reverse 9/11."

Why?

Because it combined complete

Euphoria, an abiding disgust for

Rudy giuliani, and this time,

People were actually dancing on

Rooftops in new jersey.

It was a really good day.

Never forget.

It is genuinely hard to

Overstate the level of relief

That has been flying around

Parts of this country,

Especially at the end of a truly

Draining week.

And tonight we thought it might

Be worth mapping exactly how we

Got to this point over the last

Seven days, because at the start

Of this week, we all knew that,

Due to the pandemic, this

Election was going to be

Different.

Crucially, that it was going to

Require more patience than

Usual.

Yet for some reason, as soon as

Tuesday came around, everyone

Seemed to immediately forget

That, because starting that

Evening, almost every news

Channel was overtaken by some

Version of a guy playing with a

Big screen while someone comes

In to interrupt and pester them

With questions.

It was basically the equivalent

Of watching the security footage

At a best buy for four straight

Days.

And while news outlets tried

Their best to be patient, as

Things dragged on, it was clear

They just couldn't do it...

Something perhaps best summed up

By this exchange between

Don lemon and a philadelphia

City commissioner.

So how long do you think it's

Going to take to count all the

Votes, commissioner?

You know, it's interesting

Hearing reporters talk about,

"Listen, everybody, this is

Going to take some time," and

Then the polls close and then

It's, "why don't you have the

Results yet?"

So everyone needs to recalibrate

Their expectations.

I resemble that remark.

[Laughter]

It's nothing personal.

So let me ask you this then,

Speaking of... That was a good

Answer.

But are you talking hours, are

You talking days?

John: he doesn't f*cking

Know, lemon!

Leave the man alone!

At that point, it would have

Been just as productive to ask

Him, "when will penguins learn

How to fly?"

Or "when is michael keaton going

To win an oscar?"

Or, "what does the rest of the

Pringles guy's body look like?

Is he tall or short?

Does he have a lot of body hair

Or is he completely smooth?

When will you be able to tell me

What his nipples look like?

Are you talking hours, or are

You talking days?"

What was also entirely

Predictable was how trump was

Going to react as the count

Slowly unfolded, because long

Before results were in, he took

Advantage of the fact that he

Was ahead in some states to

Declare a premature, completely

Unfounded victory.

At 2:30 a.m. On wednesday, he

Delivered this nightmarish

Speech from the white house.

This is a fraud on the

American public.

This is an embarrassment to our

Country.

We were getting ready to win

This election.

Frankly, we did win this

Election.

So we'll be going to the u.s.

Supreme court.

We want all voting to stop.

We don't want them to find any

Ballots at 4:00 in the morning

And add them to the list.

Okay?

John: uh, no.

It's not okay.

It's not okay at all.

For a start, you can't

Just thr*aten to go to the

Supreme court when things aren't

Going your way.

It's the highest court in the

Land, not the middle school

Principal's office.

And second, they weren't

"Finding" ballots, they were

Counting them.

And counting and finding are not

The same thing.

That's why the movie

"Finding nemo" wasn't called

"Counting nemo."

'Cause that would have been a

Very different and much shorter

Movie.

One nemo.

The end.

Unfortunately, that press

Conference set the tone for the

Rest of the week, with the

Soon-to-be-former president and

His camp doing absolutely

Everything they could

Think of to subvert this

Election.

On wednesday, after the count in

Michigan began to favor biden,

Trump tweeted out "we hereby

Claim the state of michigan."

Which is clearly not how it

Works.

Calling dibs on states is not

How we elect presidents.

We use the electoral college,

Which is at least 3% less stupid

Than that.

The very same day, the

President's personal lawyer and

Recent star of the "borat"

Movie, rudy giuliani, arrived in

Pennsylvania to try and stop

Them from counting the votes

That were still remaining...

Which stood at nearly a million

That morning, most from heavily

Democratic areas... And did so

With this impassioned speech.

How many votes do we have to

Be ahead?



With 80 plus percent counted?

I think there's only 14% of the

Vote to go.

Do you think we're stupid?

You think we're fools?

John: yeah.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

And, uh, actually, this is a bit

Awkward, because we had space

For a joke here, but that took

No time at all.

So tell you what: instead, let's

Look at this raccoon-shaped

Cookie jar with a raccoon in it.

Did you eat all the cookies?

I bet you did.

Those cookies have gone from

Being inside one raccoon to

Being inside another.

What an absolute delight.

Anyway, giuliani's press

Conference was truly unhinged,

With him throwing around wild

Accusations with absolutely no

Evidence.

And perhaps the best response to

It came from john fetterman,

Pennsylvania's lieutenant

Governor:

To come in and stand on... On

A street corner in philadelphia

To say, "we won pennsylvania,"

It's like, you know, like, lol.

I mean, like, it is just

Bizarre.

It is like a bad, bad

"House of cards" episode.

John: yeah, he's right.

Lieutenant governor stone cold

Is absolutely right.

Because this is like

"House of cards" in that it's

Full of political intrigue,

There's a sexual predator

Pretending to be president at

The very heart of it, and it's

Gone on for at least four

Seasons too long.

And for what it's worth, the

Trump camp's protests were

Consistently inconsistent in

Their messaging, primarily

Because, early on, in some

States, trump looked like he was

Ahead, while in others, he

Looked like he was behind, which

Meant that in michigan, where he

Led early on, his supporters

Showed up at a detroit

Ballot-counting site to chant

This:

Stop the count!

Stop the count!

Stop the count!

John: "stop the count."

Right.

But in arizona, where trump

Seemed to be behind, his

Supporters chanted this:

Count the votes!

Count the votes!

Count the votes!

John: now, setting aside the

Absurdity of two groups on the

Same side shouting completely

Opposite instructions, it is

Worth taking a minute on

Just how weird it is that one of

Those instructions is

"Count the votes."

Because they were.

That's exactly what the

Ballot counters were doing.

It'd be like a dad chanting at

His teenage son's bedroom door,

"Beat that meat!

Beat that meat!"

He is!

He's doing it!

You really don't need to cheer

Him on.

In fact, all you're doing is

Making it way harder for him to

Finish.

And unfortunately, the

Information vacuum that formed

In those three days provided

Ample space for trump and his

Supporters to just throw

Complete bullshit around.

At one point, trump's twitter

Timeline looked like this, with

A whole run of tweets flagged as

"Disputed or misleading."

Meanwhile, giuliani was tweeting

Out this article and implying



Pennsylvania... Which they

Hadn't.

Also rumors were flying around

That trump ballots were being

Disqualified in arizona because

Sharpies had been used to fill

Them out, which was false.

And eric trump tweeted out a

Fake video of ballots in

Virginia beach being burned...

A video that the city itself had

Debunked a day before he tweeted

It.

And that is really a shame,

Because normally the trump sons

Are so good at getting to the

Truth... You know, like when

They solved the mystery of

"Can a beard actually make

Someone look more like a child?"

The answer turned out to be a

Resounding yes.

Good work, gumshoes.

But conspiracy theorizing ran so

Rampant this week that, during a

Press briefing from a nevada

Voting registrar, this happened:

The biden crime family is

Stealing the election!

The media is covering it up!

The biden crime family is

Stealing this election!

The media is covering it up!

The biden crime family is

Stealing this election!

The media is covering it up!

We want our freedom for the

World!

Give us our freedom, joe biden!

Joe biden is covering up this

Election!

He's stealing it!

[Sighs]

Where were we?

What was the last question?

John: okay, there is so much

To deal with there.

There's the arctic cool

Displayed by that registrar

While he was being interrupted

By a walking internet comment.

Then there was that man's shirt,

Featuring what I assume were his

Three favorite things.

Which I'm legitimately jealous

Of, because now I want a t*nk

Top with my three favorite

Things on it... Specifically,

Oversight, foia requests, and

Hamsters in speedos.

Now that is a shirt.

But I think my favorite thing is

Just how painfully clear it is

That that guy was expecting to

Get dragged away and was then

Completely stuck when it didn't

Happen.

"The biden crime family is

Stealing our freedom!

The biden crime family is...

Really?

Guys?

Nothing?

No one's gonna escort me outta

Here?

'Cause honestly, I was really

Counting on someone tossing me

In a car and taking me away.

I don't actually have a ride

Home otherwise.

All right, I guess I'll walk.

Have a good day, everyone.

Pizzagate was a 9/11 or

Whatever."

And in the midst of all of this,

The trump campaign was loudly

Announcing that it was filing

Multiple lawsuits in multiple

States, trying to cast a cloud

Over the whole process.

But it is important to know just

How ridiculous those lawsuits

Were and still are.

One case in georgia centered on

A poll watcher who "left the

Room" and thought that a stack

Of 53 ballots that may or may

Not have arrived late might or

Might not have been counted

While they were away.

Although the poll watcher

Couldn't say for sure because,

Again, he had left the room.

That particular case was

Dismissed by a judge because,

And I quote, "the court finds

That there is no evidence."

Meanwhile, in michigan,

The trump campaign requested

That absentee ballots stop

Being counted after... And this

Is key... The counting had

Essentially been finished in the

State.

That suit relied on one

Poll watcher having heard a

Rumor from someone else that

Some late ballots were being

Counted.

And when the judge pointed out

That that was total hearsay, the

Trump campaign's lawyer tried to

Wriggle out of it before being

Slapped down hard.

This is a first-hand, factual

Statement made by miss coneran,

And she has made that statement

Based on her own first-hand

Physical evidence and knowledge,

Which...

"I heard somebody else say

Something."

Tell me why that's not hearsay?

Come on now.

John: yeah.

"Come on now."

And, look, I'm no legal expert,

But I'm pretty sure it's not a

Great sign for your case when a

Judge gives you the judicial

Equivalent of "f*ck outta here."

Now, one big trump complaint

That he's making a lot right

Now, so you'll probably be

Hearing it for the rest of your

Life, is that the election is

Illegitimate because republican

Poll watchers weren't given

Access to the ballot-counting in

Pennsylvania.

He actually tweeted on saturday,

"Bad things happened which our

Observers were not allowed to

See."

Which is a tough charge to make

Stick, because... By the nature

Of the accusation... You didn't

See them.

But the claim was actually even

More meritless than it appears,

Which, of all networks, fox news

Pointed out.

The trump campaign has said

That they wanted to have their

Poll watchers there, and I guess

They were saying they were asked

To provide evidence for

Something that they say they

Weren't even able to participate

In or to be able to see, and so

That's, I think, where they

Would say that needs to be

Rectified, if it could be.

That's not true.

It's not true.

It's just not true.

The claim from the trump

Campaign and the president about

That is not true, it is false.

In fact, the lawyers for the

Trump campaign last night in

Federal court admitted that.

John: he's right.

They admitted it.

Specifically, the judge asked,

"Are people representing

Donald j. Trump in that room?"

To which the campaign lawyer

Said "yes," and the judge

Replied, "I'm sorry, then what's

Your problem?"

Making this officially the

Single sassiest week in the

History of the judiciary.

They must have traded in their

Gavels for umbrellas, because

These jurists are throwing some

Shade.

And the embarrassing flimsiness

Of these fraud claims starts to

Make sense when you see just how

Desperately the trump camp was

Trying to drum them up.

Take arizona.

They announced at a press

Conference on thursday that they

Had gathered "concerns by

Thousands of people" about

Voting irregularities.

Which on its face sounds

Dramatic.

But it's also a little at odds

With this moment, captured just

Minutes earlier:

Hi, everyone.

If anyone has any personal

Example where they've witnessed

Election fraud here in arizona,

Please come see me.

I need a concrete example, I

Need someone to talk to.

Right over there in the corner,

Thank you

John: okay, that is just

Pathetic.

Although I do like the idea that

Someone who actually witnessed

Election fraud and had proof

Waiting until that glorified

Block party to tell anyone about

It.

"Yeah, I saw a guy in a ski mask

Pulling fake ballots out of his

Kia festiva, but it didn't occur

To me to tell anyone about it

Until a representative from the

Law firm hangover, hangover,

Divorce & meat sweats told me to

Meet him over there in the

Corner.

I'm so glad I was wondering by."

But wait, that's not all...

The trump campaign also set up

This website and phone number

Where they invited people to

Submit evidence of voter fraud,

Meaning if you, say, wanted to

Supply them with an incident you

Found suspicious, you could do

That.

You still can.

You can simply go to this

Address and send them whatever

Evidence you want.

There's even an option to add

Photographic proof.

Quick fun fact, I don't know why

I'm even mentioning this: a

Political term of art for

Election shenanigans is

Ratfucking.

So if you, say, happen to have

Any access to images of

Pennsylvania-based ratfucking,

It's frankly your patriotic duty

To send them to the

Trump campaign straight away.

And all these pointless lawsuits

Are clearly going to cost a lot

Of money, which is probably why

The campaign has spent the last

Few days frantically trying to

Fundraise for them, emailing

Supporters in an increasingly

Aggressive manner, with one

Message reading, "this is your

Final notice.

So far, you've ignored all our

Emails asking you to join us in

Defending the election.

You've ignored team trump, eric,

Lara, don, the vice president,

And you've even ignored the

President of the united states."

And final notice for what?

To not give them money?

Maybe it's the last chance

To go to the official

Donald j. Trump site and buy

This dog leash featuring a dog

Who I can only assume was

Lobotomized and given rabies

Immediately before having this

Picture taken.

Also, quick side note about

Those solicitations:

In the fine print, it mentions

That, rather than funding

Lawsuits, half of any

Contribution will be used to

Retire debt from trump's

Re-election campaign, which is

Completely unsurprising, and not

Even the worst thing he's ever

Asked his supporters to do,

Because that would obviously be

When he made them watch him do

This dance, which looks like

He's milking two cows at once

And enjoying it sexually

Very much indeed.

But perhaps the single most

Pathetic part of this entire

Week was that in the moments

Before this race was called on

Saturday morning, trump tweeted

Out "I won this election,

By a lot!"... All caps,

Exclamation mark.

And if that wasn't a bad enough

Case of denial, this is how some

Of his supporters responded to

News of his defeat.

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

♪ Of the world ♪

John: look, I would love to

Make fun of that, but

Unfortunately, I have

No time for losers.

But here's the really important

Thing: after this absolute year

Of a week... The days of

Counting, the misinformation,

The desperate, pathetic attempts

To paint this process as

Fraudulent... The fact is, trump

Lost this election.

He lost.

All that bullshit which we've

Grown accustomed to seeing work

Did not work this time.

And it's not like trump and his

Family are going to stop...

They're going to carry on

Grifting and lying like they've

Always done, but once he's out

Of the white house, it's just

Not going to have the same

Effect anymore.

It's not going to directly

Impact every american's life.

And that alone is f*cking

Fantastic.

And look, by temperament, I'm

Inclined to over-analyze

Everything.

And I can already feel myself

Starting to do it, focus on the

Negatives here and be cynical

About what a biden presidency

Could... Or is even going to

Try... To achieve.

But before we get into anything

Negative at all, let me just

Give us all a quick moment, with

No caveats, of celebration.

In fact, let's put 30 seconds on

The clock right now, during

Which time everyone can just

Experience joy in whatever form

You want... Dancing, screaming,

Banging a frying pan... It's up

To you.

Personally, I'm going to do one

Of my favorite activities, which

Is dispensing excellent facts

About octopuses over footage of

People celebrating this

Election.

Ready:

Go.

Octopuses are great.

They have three hearts, blue

Blood, they can taste with their

Arms, their brains are spread

Throughout their body, they can

Change shape and color, they

Have beaks, they can open

Bottles, they remember faces,

And they hold grudges.

One time an octopus escaped a

New zealand aquarium by crawling

Down a drain pipe into the

Ocean.

Also there was an experiment a

Few years back where scientists

Gave octopuses ecstasy, and they

Learned that if octopuses take

Ecstasy, they'll hang out and

Party with other octopuses, but

If you don't do that, they

Prefer to keep to themselves.

That's from a real study.

Isn't that great?

I'm not saying I want to f*ck an

Octopus, but you know what?

I kind of...

Oh, that's it.

That's time.

That was uncomplicated fun.

So now, if you don't mind, I am

Going to over-analyze this

Election just a little bit.

Not much though, mainly because

It's still too early to draw any

Big conclusions.

There are two key things we know

Though.

The great news is that this

Election had record-breaking

Turnout, and over 74 million

People chose to kick

Donald trump out of office.

The less good news is that more

Than 70 million people voted for

Him and everything he's said and

Stands for, and that's something

We're going to have to reckon

With for the foreseeable future.

And I know that biden has

Repeatedly said on the campaign

Trail that the ugliness trump

Represents is simply "not who we

Are"... He did it constantly in

Moments like this:

The only thing that could

Tear america apart is america

Itself.

And that's exactly what trump's

Been trying to do from the very

Beginning, dividing america

Based on race, religion, gender,

National origin.

It's wrong.

It's not who we are.

This is not who we are.

Everybody knows who donald trump

Is.

Let's keep showing them who we

Are.

John: look, that is a

Really nice sentiment, but

Dividing america based on race,

Religion, gender, and

National origin has

Frequently been very much who we

Are.

In fact, you could argue that,

In the history of america, the

One-sentence version of trump's

Presidency is "he kept showing

Them who we are."

So we cannot and should not

Ignore that millions voted for

Trump, meaning they either

Actively supported his bigotry,

Or at the very least, were

Comfortable enough with it to

Vote for him anyway.

Which isn't great.

It's like if your grandma was

Dating two old guys, both of

Whom had fought in world w*r ii,

And in the end, she picks pete,

Who seems decent and works at

The library and you're happy for

Her.

But at the same time, you are

Wondering how the f*ck she got

So far with klaus.

Because that doesn't really

Reflect that well on her.

And even in the joy and relief

At the end of this week, it does

Feel worth remembering how scary

It felt as it happened, with

Trump supporters swarming and

Following a biden-harris bus in

Texas, and that moment in

Detroit that we saw earlier,

Where a largely white crowd

Showed up in a city that's



That they should stop counting

Their votes.

And if you don't understand how

Those images rhyme with history,

It might be because you're just

Not be used to seeing them in

Color.

Because the last four years

Weren't about just one man...

And this isn't just about the

Last four years.

And even that one man is by no

Means going away.

Whatever happens,

Donald trump is the current and

Future leader of the republican

Party.

Certainly at least until someone

Else comes along with his

Stamina, charisma, and drive.

John: putting aside the

Wildly divergent definitions we

Have of "stamina, charisma,

And drive," that "get out"

Garden party guest is right when

She says donald trump is here to

Stay... Although not in office,

However hard he resists going.

As a biden campaign spokesperson

Told the press this week,

"The united states government

Is perfectly capable of

Escorting trespassers out of the

White house."

Which is just a nice sentence to

Hear.

And there is going to be time to

Talk about what trumpism is

Going to mean going forward,

Just as there's going to be time

To talk about what this week

Means for the democratic party,

Which didn't get everything they

Hoped for.

They lost seats in the house,

And the question of whether or

Not they'll have a senate

Majority is down to two runoff

Elections in georgia in january.

But the real takeaway of this

Election is that there's no easy

Answer to the question of who we

Are.

A perfect example is this:

Kamala harris is now going to be

Vice president.

The first woman vice president,

The first south asian american

Vice president, the first black

Vice president, and the second

Black person we've sent to the

White house in the last 12

Years.

That's incredible.

Unfortunately, we did elect a

White supremacist in between

Them.

And the fact is that all of that

Together is kind of who we are.

We're the country that did all

Those things.

And it's important not to deny

That reality.

And just a final quick point

Here: defeating trump took a lot

Of work, much of it by activist

Groups led by those with the

Most to lose from a second trump

Term.

A big factor in the vote in

Arizona was indigenous and

Latino people coming out for

Biden.

And in pennsylvania, michigan,

And georgia, black voters were

Absolutely key, with the groups

Organizing that vote,

Particularly black women,

Working relentlessly for years.

And in the days and weeks ahead,

There's likely to be a lot of

Talk from white people about how

Black and brown voters "saved

Us," which kind of misses the

Point a little bit, because they

Weren't so much voting as a

Favor for white people so much

As voting to protect themselves

And their communities from

Someone trying to do them active

Harm.

Although there are some lessons

In some of that organizing.

In georgia, stacey abrams, along

With many others, helped to

Register hundreds of thousands

Of new voters over the past two

Years... Half of them people of

Color... And turn them out to

The polls.

In fact, just before the

Presidential race was called,

She was already tweeting out

Details about the january 5

Runoff for senate and making

Sure people request their

Ballots.

Why?

Because she knows what she's

f*cking doing.

And if the democrats

Are smart... Which they aren't

Always... They should listen to

Her and activists like her going

Forward.

Look, it's going to be a long

Road to dig us out of the place

That the last four years have

Put us in, but that's why it's

So important to remember the

Moments of triumph this week has

Provided.

Ritchie torres and

Mondaire jones became

The first gay black men elected

To congress.

Cori bush, a black lives matter

Activist, is missouri's first

Black congresswoman.

In delaware, sarah mcbride

Became the country's first

Openly transgender state

Senator.

Multiple counties elected

Reform-minded prosecutors and

Sheriffs.

Florida voted to increase the

Minimum wage, and every state

That had a marijuana initiative

On the ballot approved it.

And most importantly, despite

His lies, his obstructions, and

His depressingly popular racism,

This guy f*cking lost.

Do you realize what that means?

One, he's sad right now... Which

Is great.

But also, no more stephen miller

At the white house.

No more steve mnuchin... Hate to

See him go, love to watch

Him walk away.

No more helicopter shouting

Time.

I'm not going to miss that.

No more mike pence or

Betsy devos or jared.

No more f*cking jared.

And there'll be big systemic,

Institutional problems we need

To talk about in the months and

The years to come... And we

Will, because for some reason,

This is the life I've chosen.

But for now, after what's just

Happened, I frankly think we've

All earned the right to put on

Our masks, go outside, and party

Like octopuses on f*cking

Ecstasy.

And now, this.

Announcer: and now, at the

End of a long, exhausting week,

It dumps.

There have been no hiccups,

So to speak about just waiting

For that big dump.

On cue to getting what should

Be a pretty big dump.

We've got a dump, laura, it 0

East coast time.

Be expecting of the deposit

Dump.

So far the first dump your

Look pretty good.

Two dumps today.

I think you will see a big

Dump today.

See a big dump early in the

Evening.

And slower we anticipated, we

Expected a big dumb.

We should point out it's not

Going to be one dumb.

He is waiting for a big dumb.

About 9:30, we are going to

Get a big dump.

I was told we were going to

Get this one giant dump in the

Walk you.

That's going to be a huge dump.

They did the big dumb.

I told you, that's what they

Do.

Donald trump got a little bit

Of benefit of that last dump.

John: that's our show,

Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.

Good night.

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]