03x28 - School segregation in the United States

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver". Aired: April 27, 2014 – present.*
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
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03x28 - School segregation in the United States

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]



[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome

to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

And before we start, look,

we did not want to talk
about the election

at all this week.

We so badly wanted
to give everyone a break.

We even prepped a fun story
about Iceland,

which had a fascinating election
yesterday.

- If you think things
are turbulent this election,

just be glad you don't live
in Iceland.

You see, pirates could soon
be running that country.

- It's true.

Pirates were running
for election in Iceland.

And, granted, it was
actually something called

"The Pirate Party"
which stands

for more transparency
in government,

but it was still
very interesting,

and we had some
solid eyepatch jokes.

And it was going to be fun,
but we can't talk about it.

Just like I can't talk about
Spain's new government

or the fact Austria
is still awaiting

its third attempt at
a presidential election after--

and this is true--
the last one was postponed

due to defective glue on
the absentee ballot envelopes.

I don't even have time to show
you all of this YouTube video

of a man who surprised a dog

by dressing up
as its favorite toy.

[laughter and applause]

Don't you want to see
how that ends?

That dog's expression
is clearly,

"I'm gonna hump the shit
out of that."

But there is no time,

because with a heavy heart,
we must begin

with the 2016 election,

or, as you may know it,

"The Shit-Filled Cornucopia
That Just Keeps On Giving 2016."


And it is all because--

it's all because
of what happened on Friday.

- We're following breaking news,
a dramatic new twist

in the presidential campaign.

The FBI is reviewing
its investigation

into Hillary Clinton's use
of a private email server

while she was Secretary of State

after of the discovery
of new emails

that appear to be pertinent
to the case.

- Oh, perfect.

That's just what this election

and everyone's state of mind
needed.

Bacardi should really consider
switching their slogan to,

"Bacardi: Because there might be
more f*cking Clinton emails."

And if--if this
shitty development

in a shitty campaign season
were not grim enough,

there is also the matter

of where this
latest problem came from.

man: In a more surprising
twist, the unearthed emails

were from the FBI's
investigation

into disgraced Congressman
Anthony Weiner.

- It's true.

It seems Anthony Weiner
is forcing the nation

to re-litigate the entire
email controversy

and putting
Hillary Clinton's chances

of winning the presidency
in serious danger.

Carlos Danger.

[Mystikal's "Danger" plays]
Mystikal: ♪ Danger

- Damn it, Weiner!
Mystikal: ♪ Danger

- For the record,
this is a reflex!

I'm not having fun!

You're ruining my dance!
Mystikal: ♪ Sing it

- Look, this is obviously

a disgusting way
for the email case

to come to life.

Just watch Vice President Biden

learn about Weiner's involvement
for the very first time.

- I don't know this email--
where these emails came from,

what--I--
- Apparently, Anthony Weiner.

- Well--oh, God.

Anthony Weiner, um...

I should not comment
on Anthony Weiner.

- You can just picture Biden

repressing that news
and going to his happy place.

Which, I assume,
is this actual picture

of him eating an ice cream,
wearing sunglasses,

and holding a fistful of money.

And perhaps the most frustrating
thing about all of this

is we don't know yet
whether this is a huge problem

or whether it's barely
a problem at all

because FBI Director James Comey

pointed out in his letter
to Congress

that "the FBI cannot yet assess

whether or not this material
may be significant."

And sources have since
dampened expectations

of what might emerge.

- At this point,
sources tell us

that Hillary Clinton
is not implicated

in any of these emails,
that she did not send them.

So there's no, right now,
direct connection

to Hillary Clinton,
but we really don't know

specifically
what is in these emails.

- Okay, so nine days out
from the election,

the FBI has
basically delivered us

the equivalent of a mystery box.

And like the box
from the end of "Se7en,"

it could contain anything
from nothing

to Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

Although--although
it almost definitely contains

Anthony Weiner's penis.

And--and the chances
of getting this resolved

before the election seem slim.

- So thousands of emails
on the computer to examine.

Now they've got to go get
court process

to, uh, get the right
to look at those emails

because, remember,
this investigation of Weiner

was focused solely
on the texts that he sent

to an underage girl.
man: Right.

- So now they got to go back,
get legal process

to take a wider look
at these emails

and begin that process.

You said earlier this probably
won't be wrapped up

before Election Day--
scratch "probably."

- So, to recap,

the grinding hell
of this election

has thrown in yet another twist

with the election potentially
hanging in the balance,

all thanks to the fact
Anthony Weiner

allegedly sexted
with a 15-year-old girl.

Now, a month ago,
when Donald Trump tweeted,

we should "check out"
a "sex tape"

of a former Miss Universe
contestant,

I said if you looked up,
you would see rock bottom.

Well, if you look up now,
you will see absolutely nothing.

And I'll tell you why.

We have burrowed through
not just rock bottom

but through the core
of the Earth,

and we've come bursting out
the other side,

startling kangaroos,

and we're currently hurtling
toward outer space,

where there is no up, down,
light, or darkness,

just an endless void,

in which death comes
as sweet, sweet relief.

Please let this thing
be over soon.

[cheers and applause]

And now this.

[fanfare]

Kaye: And now,
the stream-of-consciousness

musings of WCBS-2 meteorologist
John Elliott.

- It is 7:19, time to check
your local weather.

- Thank you, Norah.
You know, if I was to, uh, scale

my, uh, head would be
worth about $400 million.

- It is time to check
your local weather.

[playful music]

- Thank you, Kristine.

Uh, I know her.

[laughs]
I know Kristine Johnson.

You know, it's funny though,

You know what this guy said
to that guy?

"Hey, I'm next door."

Here I am--
[stammers] I was waiting here,

I was actually planning on just
doing a little batting practice.

Rob Lowe and his hair
are downstairs right now.

That's--[stammers]--
this guy does not age!

Look, a little gift for you,
like a little pearl,

I have the morning sun.

You know, my mom is actually
turning 90 this summer,

a few months behind the queen,
so, yes, cheerio.

And you know what?
Frank Sinatra Jr.

was an excellent singer.

The president's legs
are very thin.

I--every gym I've ever been to
says, "No cell phone use."

So much of the country bakin'.

So--ooh, now I want bacon.

- It is 7:19, time to check
your local weather.

- You know, I--
I've just got to say it.

I think Gail's hair looks great.

[laughter]
[playful music concludes]

- Moving on...
[cheers and applause]

moving on,
our main story tonight

concerns racism.

You know, the problem
that "Crash" failed to solve.

And specifically
we're going to discuss

school segregation,
which, it turns out,

is still a big problem.

- Racial segregation
is on the rise.

The number of schools where


of the student population
is white

has more than doubled
in the last 20 years.

- That's true.

Even as our society
has grown more diverse,

nearly 7,000 schools
have the same racial makeup

as the audience of
your average Tyler Perry movie.

And that one white guy
is Leonard Maltin

and he has to be there;
it's his job.

"Boo! A Madea Halloween,"
three stars.

Now, at this point if you're
in a city like New York,

you're probably thinking,
"Oh, splendid.

"I know where this is going.
A story vilifying

"the backwards and r*cist
American South.

"Let me just grab a handful
of kale chips

that I can munch on
while feeling superior."

Well, hold on.

There is something
you should probably know.

man: According to
the UCLA Civil Rights Project,

the South is
the least segregated region

for black students.

And in fact,
New York state

is now the most segregated
system in America,

in large part
due to New York City.

- Oh, shit,
liberal, white New Yorkers!

Twist ending,
you were r*cist the whole time.

Put back those persimmons
you bought yourselves

as a treat from Fairway.

You don't deserve them anymore.

And look, it would
still be problematic

even if these schools were
roughly equivalent academically,

as that would still be
a violation of the principle

of Brown versus
Board of Education

that "separate educational
facilities

are inherently unequal."

But in practice,

they are very rarely equal
in any way.

Black and Latino children
are more likely

to attend schools
with inexperienced teachers,

which are then less likely

to offer a college-prep
curriculum.

On top of which,
because race and class

are inextricably linked,
those students are

six times as likely
to be in high-poverty schools.

And while there are
teachers and students

working incredibly hard
in those places,

they are often doing so
with fewer resources,

as one student learned during
a school-exchange program.

- Once a year, we do
what's called a "School Swap,"

where students
that go to county high schools

attend a school
in the city for one day

and then students in the city

attend a school in the county
for one day.

- I went in and the first thing
that I noticed,

actually, was all this stuff
around here.

I'm talking about stuff
that looked like

it costs lots of money.

The teachers come in,
they can get right on topic.

They have multiple computers
that they can use.

And it's like, wow.

And then I relate it back
to my school, well,

we--we don't have all that.

- Okay.

I get what that program
was trying to do,

but it still seems cruel,
giving students a glimpse

of what other kids
are getting.

At least on a plane,
they cover first class

with a curtain.

And, sure, they might still
bake cookies

and waft the smell down
the aisle,

but that's just
to f*ck with you.

So how is it possible
that our nation's schools

are, by some measures,
more segregated now

than they have been
in over four decades?

Well, it turns out
places like New York

haven't so much "resegregated"

as "never really bothered
integrating in the first place."

Because the 1964
Civil Rights Act

was very carefully crafted
by northern lawmakers.

It targeted the kind
of segregation "by law,"

which existed in the South,
so you couldn't have a school

that was official designated
whites only.

But it exempted the so-called

"racial imbalance"
of northern schools.

So if a New York school
was all white

because it was drawing
from an all-white area,

even if that area
had been kept that way

due to a host of explicitly
r*cist housing policies,

that was somehow fine.

And if you're thinking,

"That is some hypocritical
bullshit," you are not alone.

Malcolm X was pointing this out
in New York at the time.

- You don't have to go
to Mississippi to--

to find a segregated
school system.

We have it right here
in New York City.

It shows that the problems
that the--

the, uh, white liberals
have been pointing the finger

at the Southern segregationists
and condemning them for

exist right here
in New York City.

- Yeah, of course
racism exists in New York.

Have you never seen
"West Side Story"?

It is a musical about love
transcending the obstacle

of one person
being Puerto Rican.

It'll never work!

And--and for what it's worth,

when, on rare occasions,
northern cities were forced

to desegregate,
things got just as ugly

as they did down south.

Listen to one Boston man
describe his memories

of being sent to a school
in a white neighborhood.

- So my first day of school was
when we walked--

got off the school bus,

it was right on the steps,

in white paint: "n*gg*r*s
go back home to Africa."

You got all these whites
out there with--

you know--signs
calling us n*gg*r*s, you know,

"go back home,"
you know, the whole bit.

And then, these--
some of these same kids

you would see in class.

So now you're like,
"So what's up with that?"

- Yeah.

He's got a point there.

They shout,
"Go home to Africa,"

and then sit beside you
in class.

I do hope
the kids who heard that

had the opportunity to go,

"Oh, oh, you want
to borrow a pencil?

Oh, I'm sorry, I must have left
mine in Kenya this morning."

And--and for just a taste--

just a taste
of the general paranoia

surrounding this issue
back then,

just watch this trailer
for a movie called

"Halls of Anger."

man: A handful of white
students are transferred

to an all-black school.

You know there's
gonna be trouble.

- Ooh-ooh!
Vanilla ice cream.

- And I'm gonna take me
a big lick.

- Okay.

That is clearly horrible,

but, on a side note,

using the terms
"chocolate" and "vanilla"

is actually
the best possible argument

for bringing races
closer together.

Because what happens when you
combine chocolate and vanilla?

I'll tell you what happens.

f*cking
"Fudgie the Whale" happens.

And it is superb!

And even though the path
to integration was rough

and the burden often fell
disproportionally

on African-American communities,

there were still clear benefits.

Because bringing in
white children

also brought in resources,

to an almost comical extent.

Griffin: Immediately
when the decision was made

that white kids would
now be bussed

into West Charlotte,

it was like a community joke.

Like overnight, the gravel
parking lot was paved.

The athletic facilities,

in terms
of the football stadium,

basketball, gymnasium stuff,
was upgraded.

Uh, it was like overnight

someone had written a check
for a million dollars.

- Exactly.

Funding tends to follow
white people around

the way white people
follow the band Phish around.

"It's a different show
every time, man.

"Last time I was rolling
'cause I snorted Molly

"off a communal didgeridoo.

"Different show
every time, man!"

[laughter and applause]

That man's school was
in Charlotte, North Carolina,

a city which became a model

for how desegregation
could be effective.

By the end of the 1980s,
just 1% of Latino children

and 3% of black children were
attending schools considered

racially isolated, that is,


And this was such
a point of pride

that when President Reagan
visited

and tried to talk shit
about Charlotte's system,

it didn't go down too well.

- They favor bussing,
that takes innocent children

out of the neighborhood school
and makes them pawns

in a social experiment
that nobody wants.

We found out it failed.

I don't call that compassion.

man: Reagan got no reaction
from the crowd on that line.

- I took great offense to it
and I stomped across the floor

and said a few choice expletives
about the president

and cut off the TV.

- Ooh.

That is some courtly
southern aggression.

I'm guessing his
choice expletives were,

"Heavens to Betsy,"
"That really fried my grits,"

and "Sir, you are a scoundrel
without valor,

without valor, I say!"

[cheers and applause]

Now, unfortunately,

what happened next
in Charlotte

is basically the story
of desegregation in a nutshell.

Because in 1997,
a white parent got upset

when his daughter
lost out in a lottery

for a magnet school,
which had reserved some seats

for black children.

And even though
she was still assigned

to one of the top ten
elementary schools in the state,

he filed a lawsuit.

- I really believe
that my daughter's

constitutional rights
were violated.

Um, and as a concerned parent

and a responsible parent,
I hope, um,

I believe it was my job
to look after her well-being.

- Okay, sure,

but she was already in
a top-ten school.

And I do get making sure
your kid has a good education

is one of the most
important jobs a parent can do.

It's right up there
with lying about

not having a favorite child.

Because every parent
has a favorite child,

and it's Dylan.

It's not you.

It's not any of your siblings.

It's Dylan.

Just ask your parents.

They like Dylan.

Bu--

he does his own laundry!

But--but that man's selfishness
had a huge impact.

A federal judge
ruled in his favor,

vacating the district's
desegregation plan

and basically blowing up
the whole thing.

And tragically,
Charlotte then experienced

swift resegregation.

As by 2010, those 1% and 3%
figures for Latinos and blacks

had grown to 44% and 47%.

And I know it is tempting
to be angry at that one parent,

especially because--
and this is true--

before the verdict
even came down,

he moved his family
to California.

Which is the constitutional-
challenge equivalent

of farting
in a crowded elevator

just as your stepping
off of it.

But to be fair, this wasn't
an isolated incident.

All over the country
desegregation plans

were struck down,
thanks, in part,

to Supreme Court rulings making
it easier to challenge them.

And the prevailing narrative
became that desegregate--

desegregation imposed
too high a cost on students

for a benefit that was
no longer necessary.

It's an attitude
that's best summed up

by this Louisiana state senator.

White: Do you think
that you have to

bus children all over,
bus 'em long distance,

so you can say you sit in a--
in a seat

next to someone diverse,
different from yourself?

The Justice Department,
now, they achieved their goal.

Who can say
we're not desegregated?

We have an African-American
president.

We have a African-American
mayor here in Baton Rouge,

with a majority white
in the parish.

We--we've got--
we've been through all that.

- And there it is:

the idea that because
President Obama was elected

systemic racism
was pretty much solved.

Which is absolutely absurd

because racism
is not one of those things

that just disappears
on its own in due time.

It's not like chicken pox
or Chewbacca Mom.

And I know--
I know I have just

restarted the clock
on that one.

And I am genuinely sorry.

So the only solution here
is to be proactive.

Because, remember,
if you just assign kids

to their neighborhood schools,

and their neighborhoods
are segregated,

you will have
a segregated school.

And clearly, there are
some parents who, it seems,

would resist just about anything

that might result
in integration.

Just listen to how
these parents in St. Louis

reacted to the idea of students
from a mostly black community

being added to their schools.

- So will this district
send my son

to a better school
when this one goes down?

- We don't want this here
in Francis Howell.

- I deserve to not have
to worry about my children

getting stabbed,
or taking a drug,

or getting robbed.

Because that's the issue.

- Ooh.

That is not subtle.

She is just a "homies"
and a "baggy pants" away

from full dog-whistle bingo.

And--and look,

those parents
are all extreme examples,

but even if for a moment

you give everyone
the benefit of the doubt

and you assume
that all complaints about

bus schedules or class sizes

are actually just about
buses or class sizes,

the hard truth is

you don't have to be
intentionally r*cist

to do things
that have r*cist effects.

In the '60s,
if you had insisted

on separate lunch counters--not
because you hated black people

but just because you
loved your son so much

you wanted him
to get his lunch quicker--

the end result would have been
exactly the same.

And--and while I get
the impulse

to seize every tiny advantage
you can for your kid,

I get that,

segregated schools
cause devastating harm

to actual children--

and not just
to their education,

but to their very sense
of self worth.

- We don't have support at all.

We have lack of books,
resources,

anything you can think of.

But when we go in contact
with these white children--

or should I say Caucasian--
they don't know how to act

because they believe
that they're better than us.

And we don't know how to act
because we believe

that they're better than us.

- And that is heartbreaking.

Because classrooms
should teach children

about the importance
of self-esteem,

not rip it from them.

Because that is what prom
is for.

And--and there can be

lasting positive impacts
to integration.

Uh, not because the mere act
of having a white classmate

is somehow magic, it's not.

Unless, of course,
that kid has

round glasses,
a scar on his forehead,

and sits alone
on Parents Visiting Day.

But--but getting to attend
a good middle-class school

can be transformative.

Berkeley Professor
Rucker Johnson

studied black siblings
where one went

to a desegregated school
and the other didn't.

And not only did those exposed

to more years of desegregation
fare better,

but their kids did too.

And that is not all.

Zakaria: Blacks who attended
desegregated elementary schools

were more likely to graduate,

and 22% less likely
to be incarcerated as adults.

What is more,
Johnson found

that the narrowing
of the achievement gap

and the increased success
of black Americans

did not have any
negative effect on whites

on any metric.

- So it was good
for black people

and had no effect
on white people whatsoever.

It's like this canister
of Black n' Sassy Creme Shine.

I am pretty sure
I can make that joke.

I-I am pretty sure that's okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Uh, which writer pitched it?

Shit!

Shit.
That doesn't help.

And the point is,

for white children,
a lack of experience

with people of other races
can have serious downsides.

Just watch one young girl
take a racial bias test.

woman: Show me the good child.

Why is she the good child?

- 'Cause I think
she looks like me.

woman: Okay.

Show me the bad child.

Why is she the bad child?

girl:
'Cause she's a lot darker.

woman: What do you think?

- I'm crying.

woman: Shocking to you?

- I just think it's 'cause
she's not exposed.

- Exactly.

And that is why it is important
to expose kids

to other races at a young age.

You don't want your child
playing Guess Who

at a birthday party and asking,

"Is this person bad?" to
rule out anyone who isn't white.

And while--and while--
and while, yes,

you can absolutely teach kids

about racism in the abstract,

if your school
is overwhelmingly white,

important nuances can get lost,

as this second-grader found

after making a bold choice
for a school project.

- "I have a dream today.

"I have a dream
that my four little children

will one day
live in a nation..."

woman: Sean is portraying
a historical figure

assigned by his teacher.

- I'm Martin Luther King Jr.

- He said, "Mom,
I want to wear a suit

"because that's what he wore.
And a black tie.

And I have to wear
a white shirt."

And he said, um,
"Also, I want to pla--

you know, do my face in black."

Sean: They thought
it was inappropriate

and it'll--it'll be
disrespectful to black people.

But I say that it's not.
I like black people.

- Okay.

First...
wow.

Uh...
[exhales]

Second, it is obviously
not that kid's fault.

He didn't know any better.

And finally,
if Martin Luther King Jr.

could see that clip,
I legitimately don't know

whether he'd be thrilled
or horrified.

He might actually be both.

He'd be like, "Wow,
I really made a difference

to a point."

So--so the benefits of truly
diverse schools are obvious.

The problem is often
just our willingness

to do it at all.

And to their credit,
some school districts--

including Charlotte--
are now looking

for ways to fix things.

And there are models,
small and large,

around the country
for what can work.

Uh, Boston has long had
a voluntary program

to send kids from the city
to schools in the suburbs.

It's tiny,
but it's wildly popular.

And Louisville has created

a complicated
school-assignment formula

that has resulted in,
uh, more integrated schools.

It is not perfect.

And they've had
to tweak it a lot.

But it is worth knowing
that under that program,



still receive
their first choice of schools.

Which is impressive
because I doubt


even receive

their first choice
of kindergartener.

I mean, she's great,
she's great.

She--she draws
on a lot of things,

but she's great.
She's--she's fine.

She's absolutely fine.

She's no Dylan, of course.

'Cause as we all know,

Dylan is the best.

And everyone should be invested

in those sorts of solutions
because--

because while this
always gets framed

as an issue about parents
and their children,

it's actually about adults
and everybody.

Because kids grow up.

And those little doctors,
soldiers,

police officers,
and superheroes

asking you for candy
tomorrow night,

well, in a decade or so,
they might be

actual doctors, soldiers,
police officers,

and assistant directors
of human resources.

And there are massive
and multiple benefits

for all of us
if they interacted

a lot more from an early age.

And I know this seems
like a lot to ask,

but in the words
of a small white child

dressed as a dead
Civil Rights leader,

"I have a dweam."

And now this.

Kaye: And now,
"Last Week Tonight" asks

"How is this still a thing?"

This week:
voting on Tuesday,

how is this still a thing?

In the United States,
two things are for certain.

First, elections
for national office

are held on the first Tuesday
after the first Monday

in November.

And second,
every time it happens,

we're going to ask,
"Why is that?"

- When this question
first came up here,

none of us knew why it is
we vote on Tuesdays.

- Have you ever wondered why
we vote on Tuesdays?

- Everyone knows
Election Day is always Tuesday,

but we wondered why.

Kaye: And it's not
just newscasters.

Nobody seems to know.

- I do not know why elections
are held on Tuesday.

- On a Tuesday?
I'm not sure, actually.

- Oh, it's a good question.
Do you know?

- I feel like I should,
but no.

- No.

Kaye: Yes, even human pickles

don't know why we vote
on Tuesday.

It's just one
of those mysteries

that no one can figure out
like, "where's the remote?"

or "why doesn't Jason Bourne
just Google himself?"

But the reason actually comes
from an 1845 law,

passed for a very 1845 reason.

Lansell: People had very
limited access to move about.

Polling stations
or where they'd vote

would be extreme distances.

They had to find a way
of making Election Day

a-a day that people could--

could accommodate
their schedules.

man: Weekends were no good
because of the Sabbath.

So take Monday as a travel day

and, voilá,
vote on Tuesdays.

Kaye: Yes, we vote on Tuesdays

because of the Sabbath,

making voting day
the only thing in American life

still scheduled around Sundays,

other than the operating hours
of Chick-fil-A

and new episodes of "America's
Funniest Home Videos."

Oh, that's right,
m*therf*ckers,

that thing's still on.

And it'll be on long after
this nonsense is cancelled.

And while many states
allow early voting

or mail-in voting,


And the problem is,
having everyone vote at once

on a Tuesday
can cause scenes like this.

woman: Here in the valley,
high voter turnout

for Election Day.

man: This is video from the
Oakwood University precinct,

where voters waited
for upwards of three hours,

at times, today
to cast their ballots.

man: The lines have been long
at polls

all across
central Mississippi tonight.

woman: People waited
for hours to cast their ballots

in the cold and the rain.

woman: Here in East Flatbush,
the line to vote

stretched through the hall
and up the stairs.

But wait, there's more.

This whole auditorium
of people

is the line to get on the line.

Kaye: Holy shit.

All the wait times
of Disneyworld,

all the fun of the f*cking DMV.

And for some, the fact voting
takes place on a workday

is a major inconvenience.

- On Tuesday, I have to work

and I'm an hourly employee,

so any time taken away from work
is just--

ex--I have to wake up earlier.

Kaye: Exactly.

Perhaps that's why
the most common reason

Americans give for not voting

is that they were too busy,

which even means
too busy working.

Although it could mean
too busy

coming up with sick
pool dunks like this one.

[upbeat electronic music]



Because this is America

and there is all sorts
of really cool shit to do.

So what could be done?

Well, we could expand
early voting,

move Election Day
to a weekend,

or keep it where it is and
declare it a national holiday

like it is in Puerto Rico,

where their turnout is
not only consistently higher

than the 50 states,
but their voting day

is consistently more awesome.

But until we do that,
we're going to be forced

to squeeze in voting
in between work,

doctors appointments,
or a few,

quick rim-rattling Nerf dunks

just so farmers
who have been dead

for more than a century

won't have an excuse
to miss church.

All of which returns us
to the question,

"Voting on Tuesday,
how is this still a thing?"

[cheers and applause]

- That's our show.
Thanks so much for watching.

See you next week.
Good night!

[upbeat rock music]



woman: [laughs]

Jolene, he's real.

He's a real-life Gumby.

[dog barks]

[unintelligible]

[laughter]

He is so happy.

[laughter]

[bright tone]
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