03x26 - Jill Stein presidential campaign and Gary Johnson presidential campaign

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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome,
welcome to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for joining us.

And let us dive straight in
with the 2016 election,

or as you may know it,

"I don't even believe
in past lives,

"but I must have done something
really f*cking terrible

"in a past life to deserve this.

"I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.


This week has yet again been
dominated by Donald Trump,

which is irritating
in and of itself,

because WikiLeaks continues
to release emails

connected to
the Clinton campaign

that raise serious issues,
from that campaign's behavior

to the fact the hack may have
come from the Russian government

to how journalists should
respond to stolen documents.

But it is hard to focus
on any of that

when the man who could be
our next president

is now one unearthed '90s-era
"Teen People" interview away

from being on
a sex-offender registry.

Because Trump has had
quite the week.

- The Republican presidential
candidate facing a barrage

of accusations
from multiple women

who say Trump touched them
inappropriately,

kissed them against their will.

- The first time,
it was just like a--

kind of a quick hug
and a kiss on the lips.

And I was shocked,
just because I was like,

"What was that?"

I've never had anybody
greet me like that.

I just kind of excused it as,
"Well, I guess maybe

that's how people on the
East Coast greet each other."

- Okay, well, first--
first, that is horrible.

But--but for the record,
that is not how we

on the East Coast
greet each other.

The way we greet each other
is very simple.

We don't do it.

We stare at the ground
and hope the other person

moves away quickly so we can go
back to muttering

under our breath
without seeming crazy.

That's how we do it
on the East Coast.

This--this has frankly been
a week of upsetting allegations

regarding Trump,
and I'm not going to make you

sit through all of them again,

because all you really need
to know about the man is that

this was his response
to one of his accusers.

- Believe me, she would not be
my first choice.

That I can tell you.

Man.

You don't know.

That would not be
my first choice.

- Now, two weeks ago, I told you
that if you looked up,

you could see rock bottom.

Then last week,

I told you
that if you looked up,

you could see the place we were
a week ago.

Well, this week, if you look up,

all you can see
are the thin plywood boards

surrounding us on all sides
because we are in a coffin,

and we are buried alive
in the horror

that is this election.

But incredibly, Trump's remarks
were actually in keeping

with the tone he promised
this week.

man: The Republican nominee
proclaiming on Twitter

he is a free man.

Quote...

- Yes,
the shackles are off,

which is actually
an apt metaphor,

as it calls to mind
both Frankenstein's monster

and a rabid dog.

And--and before I start
to run through

what Trump has said this week,

keep in mind,
we tape this show at 6:00 p.m.

So here is a rundown
of some of the things

he feasibly could have said
between now

and the point when we air.

All those clowns
people keep seeing

would be appointed
to his cabinet.

He can get the best deals
with China,

because he is in fact


The border wall
is going to be constructed

out of Rosie O'Donnell's bones.

Abortions are caused
by low-energy storks.

And finally, it's not r*pe
if it happens on a yacht.

But--but here is what
he has said as of now.

First, he burned bridges
with his own party,

calling Paul Ryan weak
and ineffective,

and then at campaign rallies

dialed the knob up
to full-on conspiracy theorist.

- Hillary Clinton
meets in secret

with international banks

to plot the destruction
of U.S. sovereignty.

This is a conspiracy against
you, the American people,

and we cannot let this happen
or continue.

- Holy shit.

That is not the kind of thing

that a presidential candidate
says.

It's--it's the kind of thing--
it's the kind of thing

that a man
in a tinfoil hat screams

inside his concrete bunker

because he thinks his soup cans
have been bugged

by the lizard people
in the White House.

But Trump isn't just rampaging
against his political opponents.

He's rampaging
against his own campaign.

When one journalist tweeted
that at a recent rally

a Trump supporter was standing
in the back shouting,

"Stay on the issues,"

his campaign manager,
Kellyanne Conway, responded,

"That was me!
I was there."

And even if she meant that
as a joke,

it's not a great indication
of how much control she has

over her candidate.

It's like she's already
thinking ahead

to her campaign tell-all book

or possibly her tell-all trial
at The Hague.

But--but perhaps most ominously
of all,

Trump took a theme
that he's been dancing around

all this campaign
and made it explicitly

and frighteningly direct.

- The election is rigged.

It's rigged
like you've never seen before.

You see what's happening.

The process is rigged.

This whole election
is being rigged.

- Okay, telling your supporters
the election is being rigged

is legitimately dangerous,
because faith in fair elections

and a peaceful transfer of power

are essential foundations
for a democracy.

And undermining them
is like asking why

one of those giant eagles
didn't just fly Frodo

all the way to Mordor
in "The Lord of the Rings."

If enough people start thinking
that way,

the whole thing
kind of falls apart.

And just a quick side note here.

Please address
your long rebuttals about why

"The Fellowship of the Ring"
did not go with that plan,

because it would have sacrificed
the secrecy

of the ring bearer's mission
to...

So--so just to recap,
this week,

Trump has declared w*r
on his political opponents,

the media, his own party,
his own campaign,

and the concept
of democracy itself.

It all paints a picture of a man
who is increasingly

positioning himself
as the only source of truth

and goodness in America.

- I never knew it would be
this vile,

that it would be this bad,
that it would be this vicious.

Nevertheless, I take all
of these slings and arrows

gladly for you.

And many political experts

warned me that this campaign

would be a journey to hell--

said that--
but they're wrong.

It will be a journey to heaven.

- You heard right.

He sees himself as a lone,
persecuted savior

who started out in construction,

is suffering on behalf
of his followers,

and will one day take them
to heaven.

We have known for a while
that Donald Trump believes

he's the Second Coming
of Christ,

but it turns out
he might mean that literally.

The only real difference being
with Christ, we think,

"What would Jesus do?"

And with Trump, it's more,

"Jesus, what the f*ck
did you just do?"

And now this.

woman: I wouldn't vote
for Hillary Clinton

if you gave me
a million dollars.

Now, as far as Zika
is concerned,

I think maybe we could get
a pill that we could swallow

that would make a smelly smell
come out on our skin

that would just make the Zika--
the mosquitoes disappear.

man: Ted Cruz has this
"Make America Great Again"

on his cap.

- Oh, that's Donald Trump.
man: I'm gonna tell you...

- That's a Donald Trump line:
make America great again.

man: That's Donald Trump.

man: Trump telling everybody
to raise their right hand

kind of reminded me of Hitler.

Does he want to have another
Third World w*r?

man: I am sick about the way
Hillary just pandered

to all the black folks
of South Carolina.

You know, it was, "Black this,
black that.

I got to go save the blacks."

man: When did she become
secretary?

- Hillary Clinton?

man: Yeah,
is she still secretary?

- No.

man: You live in this--
our country, correct?

- I certainly do, yes.

Bob: You're right there
in the den of liars

right there where you're at.

- Bob, thank you.

Jesse: The weirdness of this
is ridiculous.

- Jesse, thank you.

Brian: The media's on
the Democratic side.

And hey, there's one thing
I'd like to ask you.

- Sure.

Brian: You know, have you
ever heard of Cassius Clay?

- Oh, of course.

Brian: Yeah,
and then Lew Alcindor.

What a cool name.

Well, why did they change
their names?

- Okay, Brian, that's another
topic for another day.

[laughter]

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight is,
unfortunately,

continuing coverage
of the 2016 election,

or as it's better known,
"Lice on rats on a horse corpse

on fire 2016."

This election has now achieved
a dubious distinction.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump
are among the most disliked

presidential candidates
in history.

So it is hardly surprising
that some are seeking

an alternative.

- Who's your vote right now?

- I really don't like
either candidate, to be honest.

- I'm not really excited
about the election.

I just don't really feel like
I like either options.

- The Republicans
and the Democrats,

they're kind of bumming me out.

- 315, 320 million people,

and this is the best two
that we can come up with.

- It's true.

Americans are so disillusioned
by the major party candidates,

it seems many would prefer to
vote for Kevin Kline's character

from the movie "Dave" or the
ghost of Martin Luther King Jr.,

assuming he only said the three
quotes that white people like.

And this--this disenchantment
may explain the high interest

in America's third parties.

Because when your two main
options are depressing,

any third choice seems good.

If you're in--
if you're in a KFC Taco Bell

and see a bunch of pigeons
eating something

in the parking lot,
you might well think, "Hang on.

What have they got over there?
Hmm."

And--and luckily,

there are a great many
third-party options out there.

There's Jim Hedges
of the Prohibition Party,

the worst party without alcohol

since your born-again
cousin's wedding.

There's Dan Vacek of
the Legal Marijuana Now Party,

which should really be called
the Illegal Marijuana Now,

Legal Marijuana ASAP Party.

And then there's independent
write-in candidate Joe Exotic,

who claims to run the world's
largest private zoo for tigers

and produces incredible
campaign videos.

- First thing is,
I am not cutting my hair.

I'm not changing the way
I dress.

I refuse to wear a suit.

I am gay.

I've had two boyfriends
most of my life.

I am broke as shit.

I have a judgment against me

from some bitch down there
in Florida.

And this is all paid for by
the committee of Joe Exotic

Speaks for America.

- Wow.

Just wow.

Joe Exotic
is truly the candidate

you'd want to sit down
and have a beer with,

then another beer,
and then several more beers

until you're drunk enough
to try meth for the first time.

The point is Joe Exotic:
make America exotic again.

But the best-known of
the lesser-known candidates

are clearly
Libertarian Gary Johnson

and Green Party nominee
Jill Stein.

In a poll just last month,

more than a third
of young voters said

they are considering voting
for one of them.

So they are worth
taking seriously.

And before we go any further,
we should probably address

the common critique
that third-party candidates

can siphon off votes

and potentially wind up electing
an ideological opponent.

And there is some historical
precedent for that,

from Teddy Roosevelt's 1912 run,

which arguably helped to elect
Democrat Woodrow Wilson,

to Ralph Nader in 2000
winning nearly 100,000 votes

in Florida, a state
which Al Gore famously lost

by just 537.

But third parties
are a little touchy

about that whole spoiler tag.

Just watch Gary Johnson respond
after it's brought up.

- That--that--that is just--
that is just--it's horrible.

Why would you even say that?

We are giving people a chance
to vote for something

as opposed to the lesser
of two evils.

We're not spoilers.

We are the first vote.

So I guess we should drop out.

Is that what you're saying?

Is that--
is that your editorial here?

- Okay, Gary, just--
just relax a little bit.

You've--you've already undercut
your credentials

as a serious candidate by
wearing a yellow tie with jeans.

Come on, Gary.

You're running for president,

not officiating
Pikachu's beach wedding.

Although, to be fair,

Johnson's anger
is understandable.

Just dismissing third-party
candidates as "spoilers"

shuts down debate,
and while the argument

that the only thing
that stops Trump

is a vote for Hillary Clinton
is a powerful one,

so is the argument
that people should vote

for the candidate who most
closely shares their values.

So let's vet these candidates
not as spoilers

or as protest votes but as
legitimate potential presidents.

And we'll start with Jill Stein,

the candidate who looks most
like she believes carob

is just as good as chocolate.

Now, Stein is currently polling
around 2%,

and she has a lot going for her.

She's a doctor who practiced
internal medicine for 27 years,

and she has
a broadly appealing pitch,

from environmental issues
to expanding LGBT rights

to reducing income inequality,
but when it comes to policy,

we all know
the devil is in the details.

So how exactly is she going
to accomplish her goals?

And let's start with the plan
that has been central

to her candidacy.

- We're the one party
that's actually calling

for canceling student debt
and bailing out a generation

of young people, like we bailed
out the bankers on Wall Street.

We can do that
for this generation

and unleash them to be the
stimulus package of our dreams.

- Okay, hold on, because
"stimulus package

of your dreams"
sounds like how Paul Krugman

describes his penis.

But--but--but she is right.

Student debt is a massive
$1.3 trillion problem.

Canceling it
is Stein's flagship proposal.

It is to her campaign
what the border wall

is to Donald Trump's.

So you would assume
that she has a well-thought-out,

coherent plan.

- My campaign is the only one
that will do for young people

what our misleaders saw fit
to do for Wall Street

not that long ago.

It was about $4 trillion
in free money

in the form of so-called
quantitative easing,

which is a magic trick that
basically people don't need

to understand any more about
than that it is a magic trick.

- No, it isn't, though.

It is a very complicated
monetary policy tool.

And while it might not be
important for most people

to understand it,
you certainly have to,

and I don't think you do.

Because for a start,
while Jill Stein has said...

That is absolutely wrong.

The president does not have
that authority.

Only the Federal Reserve does.

And it does not take marching
orders from the White House

because that would be
extremely dangerous.

You don't want to give
presidents the power to just

create new money
whenever they want to.

Think of it like this,
if Joe Exotic is elected,

you don't want him able
to order the Fed to create money

for the most lavish
tiger-themed orgy

the nation has ever seen

because they would then
have to print the $3,500

it would take to do that.

So that issue alone
makes her plan a non-starter

before we even get into the fact
that quantitative easing

does not apply here.

Stein is implying it was used
to cancel banks' debts,

and that is absolutely
not what it did.

Using it the way
that she's describing

amounts to a president
unilaterally passing a new law

and funding it
by printing new money.

And the--the dangers of that
should be pretty obvious.

In terms of how fundamentally
flawed that is on every level,

it's basically akin to saying,
"I'll make us energy independent

by ordering the post office
to invade Canada."

No, Jill, that's impractical.

It's a terrible idea,

and you don't seem to understand
anything about it.

When I said
her student debt proposal

was her version
of Donald Trump's border wall,

I meant it.

Because the only way it could be
any more unlikely

is if she claimed Mexico
was somehow going to pay for it.

And for a candidate who seems
to be running on principle,

it can be hard to pin her down
on what those principles are.

After the EU Brexit vote,
her campaign issued a statement

in which she called
the decision, "A victory,"

before changing it to read:

And in response to charges
that she was anti-vaccination,

she tweeted,
"There's no evidence that autism

is caused by vaccines,"
before Jill Stein--

a doctor, remember--
replaced it with

a more equivocal, "I'm not aware
of evidence linking autism

with vaccines,"
leaving the door open for doubt

and f*cking measles.

And this strategic vagueness
even applies

to answering a question
from a 9/11 truther.

- I believe that the hijackers
were patsies.

They did have intent,

but there was no ways
they could fly those planes

the way they did,
and there's no way

those steel buildings
could fall the way they did.

Stossel: Do you have an opinion
about that?

- So I think we need
the full story,

and the 9/11 Commission
itself said

we don't have the full story.

So I would simply bring back
that commission.

This isn't--this isn't
controversial in my view.

It's time to get
the full story.

- What are you doing?

You know that man thinks you
just agreed with him now, right?

You can't just hear
a conspiracy theory,

fan the flames,
and then walk away.

"Is Katy Perry JonBenét Ramsey?"

"Well, identity theft
is a real and persistent issue

in this day and age, and we
really need to look into that."

And--and if none
of what I've said bothers you,

that's fine.

I mean, it's--
it's not really fine.

But that is your right.

But you are also gonna need
to cosign

on one more awkward thing,

and that is that Jill Stein
recorded several albums

as part of a '90s folk rock band
called Somebody's Sister.

And you don't get to not hear
what they sound like.

Stein: [singing]

[mellow rock music]

♪

- Jill, Jill,
that is a very bad song.

For a start,
silent thunder is nothing.

You're describing silence.

And--and I frankly
cannot have a president

who is going to play
her own inauguration

with a band that sounds like
the Indigo Girls

fronting
the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

So for now,
let's move on to Gary Johnson,

the two-term governor
of New Mexico,

and the man
who in most photographs

seems to be around 80% sure that
he is running for president.

Now, he has been polling
around 6% nationally,

which is pretty remarkable
given that his race

has been largely notable
for moments like

not knowing what Aleppo is,

not being able to name
a world leader he admires,

and whatever it is
that he's doing here.

- Do you think if you were able
to get on the debate stage

that you could pull even?

- I--I'm not sure if he was
doing that with his tongue

on purpose or if Gary Johnson's
tongue just decided, "f*ck it,

I'm done," and tried to escape
through his mouth.

But look,
there is obviously more

to Gary Johnson
than just mistakes.

For instance,
he is an avid outdoorsman

who loves mountain climbing
so much,

he once described summiting
Mount Everest like this.

- People ask me,
"Gosh, what was it like

to conquer Mount Everest?"

Well, I did not conquer
Mount Everest.

She lifted her skirt, and I got
in there and got a peek,

and it was really cool.

[laughter]

- Okay, okay, I--I'm still
a little confused here.

Did you actually climb
Mount Everest,

or did you just dry hump
the side of it and then go home?

"It was great.
Now smell my finger.

There's still
some mountain air on it."

What is wrong with you?

Now--now, as for his policies,
as with Jill Stein,

there is a lot to like there.

He supports
marijuana legalization

and opposes the death penalty,
civil forfeiture,

and police militarization,
but scratch beneath the surface,

and there are some positions you
may be less comfortable with.

For instance, he opposes having
a minimum wage,

and when he says he's
for smaller government,

he is not kidding around.

- Governors, could you name
three federal departments

or agencies
that you would eliminate?

- Education,
the Department of Commerce,

and Housing
and Urban Development.

How's that for starters?

- Whoa, there.

He giving up government agencies
left and right.

This is "Sophie's Choice"

if she hated
all of her children.

"Take both kids.

I'm sick of stepping on LEGOs.
Off you go."

But--but to be fair,

that is an intellectually
consistent position.

But now watch him fold
under the slightest pressure.

- Would any of their functions
still be performed

by the federal government?

- Gosh, if--
and you'd have to assume

that they were doing something
that was of value,

and yeah, if they are doing
something of value,

yes, we would--

we would would be looking
to continue those operations.

- Those departments
all do a lot of stuff.

You can't identify any
specific things they do?

- Well, no, but you're--
you're asking three departments,

and I'm giving them to you.

man: Right, but then you're--
but then you're--

- Let's just take
the assumption that they

should be eliminated.

- Okay, for the record--
and this is probably obvious--

those three departments
do actually do things of value,

assuming that you find
Pell Grants,

mortgage insurance,
low-income housing programs,

the National Weather Service,
the Patent and Trademark Office,

and the Census Bureau
to be of some value.

And if it comes as news to you

that that's what those
departments do,

well, then, hi, Gary.

I'm excited you're watching
the show.

Uh, quick piece of advice:

please stop trying
to f*ck mountains.

And--and again--again,
like Jill Stein,

Johnson is prone to
overly simple solutions

that could have
disastrous consequences.

Just look at how he applies
his small-government approach

to tax policy.

- If I could wave a magic wand,
I would eliminate income tax.

I would eliminate
corporate tax.

I would abolish the IRS.

And I would replace it
all with one

federal consumption tax.

- Come on, Gary.

You have a magic wand,
and the first thing you'd do

is eliminate income tax with it?

Shame on you.

The first thing anyone should do

is make soap taste as good
as it smells.

And f*ck you.
Don't judge me.

It's not the only thing
that I would do.

It's just the first thing
I would do.

But that magical, simple plan
gets complicated very fast.

Because Johnson says
his consumption tax would be

between 23% and 28%
on almost everything you buy.

And that could clearly hurt
poor people the most.

So his answer is that
every single home in America

would receive
a prebate check each month

covering the cost
of the sales tax

up to around the poverty line.

But when a presidential
advisory panel

studied a similar proposal
a decade ago,

they found that
it's just not that simple.

Aside from the complexity
of the prebate program,

which, by the way,
would become America's largest

entitlement program ever,
for this policy to work,

they suggested the sales tax
would have to be

way more than 28%
with the burden falling

heavily on the middle class,
and to avoid all that,

there might have to be
savage government cuts.

But rather than honestly
admit that,

Johnson tries to wriggle out
of the subject.

- The big problem with doing
what you're doing you is

you wind up cutting the amount
of revenues

that government
has to work with.

- No, actually,
it's revenue neutral.

The whole--the whole proposal--

man: That's not so--
according to economists,

that's not so easy to achieve.

- Well, then--well, then--well,
maybe not, but--

man: 'Cause you're doing--
'cause why?

Just to give you the context,
why?

If you say--the fair tax number
that's usually thrown out

is 28%.

This would be
your consumption tax.

So you're automatically
reducing the 39%

from the top level down.

That creates an issue about
how you want to distribute

the tax burden.

- You're getting a little
into--too into weeds here.

man: You think so?

- What do you mean
"too in the weeds"?

The only point of discussing tax
policy is to get into the weeds,

that and preventing
premature ejaculation.

That's the two options.

And if it can seem
like Gary Johnson

occasionally
just doesn't give a f*ck,

maybe he doesn't,
because wait until you hear

his stance
on combating climate change.

- Should we take
the long-term view

when it comes
to global warming?

I think that we should.

And the long-term view is
that in billions of years,

the Sun is gonna actually grow
and encompass the Earth, right?

So global warming
is in our future.

- That's your plan?

"Don't worry; we'll all be dead
eventually anyway."

I guess we're just lucky that we
won't be around to see that day

because I do not want
the last thing I hear

to be Gary Johnson saying,

"The Sun's not so much
conquered the Earth.

It's merely lifted up her skirt
and fingerblasted it."

No, Gary!

Why are you so weird?

The point here is
the more you look

at both Gary Johnson
and Jill Stein,

the more you realize
the lack of coverage

they complain about so much
might have genuinely

benefited them
because their key proposals

begin to crumble
under the slightest scrutiny.

And look,
I would love for there to be

a perfect third-party candidate.

I even understand the argument
that a third-party candidate

can put a new issue
or a new solution on the table.

But it is hard to make the case

that that is what's
happening here.

There is no perfect candidate
in this race.

And when people say,
"You don't have to choose

the lesser of two evils,"
they are right.

Because you have to choose
the lesser of four.

Anyone who goes into a voting
booth on November the 8th

and comes out saying,
"I feel 100% great

about what I just did in there"
is either lying to themselves

or did something unspeakable
in that booth.

And that means
as uncomfortable as this is,

everyone has to own the flaws
of whoever you vote for,

whether they are a lying,
handsy, narcissistic sociopath,

a hawkish, Wall Street-friendly,
embodiment of everything

that some people can't stand
about politics,

an ill-tempered
mountain molester

with an radical,
dangerous tax plan

that even he can't defend,

or a conspiracy-pandering
political neophyte

with no clear understanding
of how government operates

and who once recorded
this folk rap

about the virtues of bicycling.

Stein: [singing]

[upbeat folk music]

♪

- I feel like
we just figured out

who or what k*lled Biggie
and Tupac.

And--and before you say,
"Well, hold on, John.

There is one perfect candidate
that you haven't mentioned yet,"

I will remind you,
he's broke as shit,

and he will not wear a suit.

And now this.

man: And finally this week...

- Steve joining us from
Haymarket, Virginia.

Republican land.
Good morning.

Steve: Yes, about three years
ago, a man Liang-Shih Fan

developed a process
where you can burn

virtually any carbon fuel
you want to

without producing any CO2.

Now, Allan Savory
uses holistic grazing

to re-sequester CO2
back in the ground.

- Mm-hmm.

Steve: And then--
and then if you go

to Prince William County...

[voice echoing]
Hellwig Park,

and Ben Lomond Park,

I built about 20
constructed wetlands.

And so we can build
constructed wetlands,

but we're limited to that space
between the North Pole

and the South Pole.

[spacey music]

So we really don't have any
environmental problems.

What we have
is a bunch of politicians

who want to take $1.5 trillion

out of the economy
every year for,

like, these, uh, windmills up
on Mount Storm, West Virginia.

And you can go up there
and look at them.

It takes about two hours
to get up there.

And what it is
is 10% of them are locked up.

Then you have to take a crane
that runs on diesel fuel...

[voice fading out]
Pick the windmills up

on a truck...

- Time to go back now.

Steve: In America, you can
repair big devices like that,

say, take them to Mexico,
fix them, bring them back up

with a truck again,
and put them up on them poles.

So we really do not have
any green alternative.

But the mirrors in Las Vegas

burst into flames
here recently

because they haven't quite
figured out

that the Earth rotates.

You don't have to move mirrors.
All you--

- Steve,
thank you for the call.

- That's our show.
Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.
Good night.

[cheers and applause]

♪

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