03x25 - Guantanamo Bay detention camp

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[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome

to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver, thank you
so much for joining us,

and let us dive in straight away

with the 2016 election,
or as it's better known,

"Oh, I get it:
we all died, and this is hell,

"and Satan has cursed us
to live out this nightmare

for all eternity 2016."

Now, the--
the second presidential debate

wrapped up half an hour ago,

but we taped this
before it began,

so I don't know anything about

the thoughtful, substantive
discussion of policy

that I'm assuming took place.

All I can do is talk about

what led up to the debate
this week,

by which I mean,
of course, this.

- Yes, that is audio of
Donald Trump in 2005,

telling a giggling Billy Bush

that one of the perks
of fame is that

he can grab women's genitalia
without permission.

And--and let me just remind you
that last Sunday,

I told you if you looked
above the clouds,

you would see rock bottom.

But--but--but if you
look up there now,

just way, way, way up there,

all the way up high,
you will see,

right up in the distance,

where we were
this time last week.

Because since then,

we have sunk so low,

we are breaking through
the Earth's crust,

where drowning in boiling magma

will come as
sweet, sweet relief.

And--and incidentally,

f*ck Billy Bush.

f*ck that guy.
f*ck him.

f*ck him.

And not just for laughing along,

but for doing this
once they got off the bus.

- Oh, Bushy, Bushy.

- It is--it is gross enough

that he's serving as
Donald Trump's hug pimp,

but let's not gloss over
the fact that he just said,

"How about a little hug
for the Bushy,"

a phrase that,
if it is not already,

should really be a felony
offense in all 50 states.

Now, that tape was released
on Friday,

and has reverberated
throughout the weekend,

despite Trump's efforts
to calm things down

with a video apology.

- I've never said
I'm a perfect person,

nor pretended to be
someone that I'm not.

Anyone who knows me knows

these words don't reflect
who I am.

I said it,
I was wrong,

and I apologize.

- Okay, let's try and unpack
all of that.

First, he claims he's never said
he's a perfect person,

which, of course, is a lie.

Then--then he says--
then he says

he never pretended
to be someone he's not,

right before claiming,

"These words don't
reflect who I am,"

which is absolutely absurd.

They could not capture
his essence more

if they were spoken by
a spray-tanned Furby

eating KFC and screaming
at a Gold Star family.

Now, all this left Trump
supporters in a quandary,

and his former campaign manager,
Corey Lewandowski,

initially made some
desperate attempts

to deflect attention elsewhere.

Lewandowski: You know,
what we don't know--

and I'm not trying
to change the subject here--

we don't have any understanding

what Hillary Clinton has said

in those meetings
with Wall Street

where she was paid
for these speeches.

She's never released
those transcripts.

For all we know,

same things are being said
in that regard.

- No.
No.

No, actually, uh,
the same things

are not being said
at that regard.

Because at the very moment
he did that interview,

WikiLeaks was publishing
what it claimed

were excerpts
from those speeches.

And while there is some
compromising stuff in there,

at no point did she say to
Goldman Sachs bankers,

"I'm for open trade
and open borders,

"but above all, I'm for luring
men to furniture stores,

"where I can grab them
by the d*ck.

"I'm famous.

I can get away with that."

But--but it--
it soon became clear

that this tape had done
some serious damage.

man: The speaker of the U.S.
House of Representatives,

Paul Ryan, said quote...

- Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on there, hold on.

"Championed and revered"?

You do know that women
are human beings,

and not pedigreed
show dogs, right?

Oh, women should be looked after
with the utmost care.

Thrice-weekly grooming,
regular vet appointments,

and then fed high-protein kibble

to maintain the luster
of their coats.

Now--now there is a second half
to that statement,

and you'll notice
it does not involve

Paul Ryan withdrawing
his support for Donald Trump.

- You hope he works to
demonstrate respect for women?

What are you talking about?

It's too late in
absolutely every way.

First, it's October
of an election year,

and second, he's f*cking 70.

But--but Ryan was not the only
outraged Republican.

They lined up to disavow
Trump's statements,

each with a similar theme.

- I have five daughters,
and what Mr. Trump said

is offensive to me
and my family.

- My wife and I,
we have, a, uh...

we have a 15-year-old daughter.

- I have a wife.

I have a daughter.

I have a mother.

And I have five sisters.

Although these were not
my sisters,

this wasn't my daughter,
my wife, or my mother

to whom Donald Trump
was speaking,

or of whom he was speaking,

this was somebody's sister.

This was somebody's daughter--
is some cases,

it may have been somebody's
mother or somebody's wife.

- Look, as--as the son
of a mother,

and the husband of a wife,

what the f*ck does that
have to do with anything?

You are--you're going through
such an elaborate

"six degrees of separation"
exercise

to arrive at someone
with a Y chromosome

that you can feel sorry for.

Now, as the weekend unfolded,
numerous prominent Republicans

actually began to formally
withdraw their support

for Trump, most notably

the party's former nominee,
John McCain,

who put out a statement saying,

"I will not vote
for Donald Trump,"

a statement whose bravery
was a little undercut

by the fact it was his second
attempt at a response,

the first of which
was much weaker.

- Senator John McCain just
releasing a statement saying...

- Except no, he alone does not

bear the burden of his conduct

because he alone
did not make himself

your party's nominee.

All of you have consistently
supported him

through some absolutely
heinous shit.

In his very first
campaign speech,

he called Mexicans rapists,

and that was just the beginning.

Because since then,
he has proposed

a temporary ban
on Muslim immigrants,

advocated for k*lling
t*rrorists' families--

which is, by the way,
a w*r crime--

argued for waterboarding
even if it doesn't

obtain information because,
and I quote,

"They deserve it anyway."

And just this week,
he stood by his claims

that the Central Park Five
were guilty,

despite the fact
that DNA evidence

has since exonerated them.

And all of you still thought

he should be president,
so the only way

that you get to be shocked
and outraged now

is if you were cryogenically
frozen until Friday afternoon,

and that "Access Hollywood" tape

was the first thing you saw
upon being reanimated.

Anything less than that,
and this is on you too.

And--and as for Trump--
as for Trump himself,

he still doesn't
appear to realize

how horrifying his remarks
actually were,

because during his apology,

he was already trying
to minimize the incident.

- Let's be honest.

We're living in the real world.

This is nothing more
than a distraction

from the important issues
we're facing today.

- Okay, now, first,
I am genuinely disappointed

to hear him say we are
living in the real world.

I-I had secretly hoped

this whole election
was a horrible dream.

And--and not even my dream.

The dream of a r*cist teenager
who fell asleep

while masturbating
to Internet porn.

But--but second,
this is not a distraction,

nor is it even a surprise.

If Jimmy Carter had been caught
saying that stuff,

sure, we would all be shocked,

but with Trump,
it's entirely in character.

And while there is
talk of Republicans trying

to get him off the ticket,
that's not going to happen.

Early voting has begun,

so people have already
voted for him.

This is happening.

And in a way,
perhaps we've always been

heading to this historic moment.

The first female
presidential nominee

versus the human embodiment
of every backwards,

condescending, "Mad Men"-esque
boys' club attitude

that has ever existed
rolled into one

giant, salivating,
d*ck size-referencing,

p*ssy-grabbing warthog
in a red power tie.

And I'll put it this way:

if American democracy
is a computer game,

and Hillary is completing
women's hundred-year quest

to get to the Oval Office,
it kind of makes sense

that this would be
the final boss.

And now, this.

- Joining us also from
Palm Beach right now

is "Access Hollywood's"
Billy Bush,

who's a good friend of
the Donald and his bride-to-be,

and is among
the invited guests tonight.

Billy, good morning to you.

- You ready to get going?

- I'm certainly ready.

- All right, let's get
this party started.

The man is here.

Who has more access to you?

Me or Melania?

- I would say you have
slightly more access.

- [laughing]

- They certainly want me,
and they should want me.

I'm a ratings machine.
- [laughing]

- If I don't know
that's Billy Bush....

- No!
- There's something wrong.

- Are you prepared--
mentally, physically--

to take over as president
of the United States?

- Well, physically,
I'm prepared.

I'm in very good shape,
as you can see.

Very powerful man.

Mentally, perhaps,
I'm not prepared.

[laughter]

Do--do I make him laugh?

Is he like this with everybody?

- [laughing]

[line trilling]

Trump: Come on, Billy.
Let's go.

- Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns
President Obama,

a man so close to being able
to smoke again,

he can almost
taste those Camels.

[inhales deeply]

Now, his time in office
is almost done,

and while he's achieved
a great many things,

tonight we're gonna look at
one of his inarguable failures.

- I have ordered the prison
at Guantanamo Bay

closed by early next year.

Make no mistake.

We will close
Guantanamo Prison.

I still want to
close Guantanamo.

As president,
I have tried to close Gitmo.

I will continue to push
to close Gitmo.

It's time to close Gitmo.

Today, the Department is

submitting to Congress our plan

for finally closing the facility

at Guantanamo once and for all.

- Yes, Guantanamo Bay.

It's Obama's
"one that got away,"

which is a little odd
considering it's a place

where literally no one
can get away.

So why has the president been
unable to close Gitmo?

Well, for a start, most people
don't want him to.

According to a recent poll,


believe it should remain open,
and there are others

who believe we should actually
be using it more.

- In my opinion, the only
problem with Guantanamo Bay

is there are too many empty beds
and cells there right now.

We should be sending
more t*rrorists there

for further interrogation
to keep this country safe.

As far as I'm concerned,

every last one of 'em
can rot in hell.

But as long as
they don't do that,

then they can rot
in Guantanamo Bay.

- Now--now he is
basically saying there,

"Let's use Guantanamo Bay
like Hell's waiting room."

And that is problematic
for two reasons.

First, it's arguably
unconstitutional,

and second,
"Hell's waiting room"

is already the slogan
of Henry Kissinger's bedroom.

That's a fact.
That's just a fact.

And look, I can see--

I can see the reasons that
Guantanamo is appealing.

You get to keep
potentially dangerous people

locked up and far away.

But tonight,
I would like to argue

that there are
even better reasons

for closing it forever.

And let's just start
with the practical ones.

It's very expensive.

Guantanamo cost $445 million
to run last year,

which means
we're currently spending

over $7 million per prisoner
per year.

But the costs obviously
go way beyond that.

Last year, a U.N.
Human Rights Council

conducted a review of the U.S.,

and Gitmo was something
of a feature.

- Iceland recommends the closure
of the Guantanamo prison.

- End illegal detentions
in Guantanamo Bay.

- Immediately close
the Guantanamo Bay facility.

- And do all its best
in order to close down

the Guantanamo facilities.

- Improve living condition
in prisoners,

in particular, in Guantanamo.

- Investigate t*rture
allegation,

extrajudicial execution,
and other violations

of human rights committed
in Guantanamo.

- Yeah, you heard right,
that is Iran,

Sudan, Libya, and others

lecturing us about
human rights abuses.

Which is, yeah,
a little hypocritical.

Maybe don't tell us
to eat healthy

when you have a f*cking
Whopperrito in your mouth.

But--but it does seem
like this is

one of the few things
the entire world agrees on.

It's basically,
"Guantanamo is f*cked up,"

and, "Yeah, you know what?

Kevin can wait."

Yeah, he can.

Let the man wait.

So, how did we get here?

Well, Guantanamo's origins
are basically a series

of weird circumstances
and ad-hoc decisions.

For a start, we don't own it.
It's a rental.

In--in 1903, we struck
a deal with Cuba

to lease the land
for a Naval base,

and ever since,
we have mailed them a check

every year for $4,085 in rent,

although, as Fidel Castro
once told a film crew,

they've just been accumulating
in his desk.

[both speaking Spanish]

- Just think about that.

We've barely been
talking to Cuba.

We disagree with their politics.

And yet, every year,
we send them checks

for hilariously small
amounts of money.

We're basically
Cuba's grandparents.

A-and this--
this unique arrangement

means that Guantanamo--
Guantanamo is legally

both America and not America.

Or, as one White House official
once called it,

"The legal equivalent
of outer space,"

which is a bit of an
exaggeration, to be honest.

Some laws do apply up in space.

There's the law of physics,
for example.

Uh, and the law of attraction.

Yes, of course.
You--you--

you didn't really think
Neil and Buzz

did not f*ck on the moon, right?

Oh, they moon-f*cked.

They moon-f*cked, my friends.

They moon-f*cked good!

Deal with it.
Deal with that.

And this legal limbo has been
useful to us in the past.

George H.W. Bush used Guantanamo
to involuntarily

detain Haitian refugees
seeking asylum,

and Bill Clinton not only
continued that for a while,

he later used it
to hold Cuban refugees.

So the use of Gitmo
to store people

was one of those dicey legal
workarounds in the '90s.

It was right up there with
Vanilla Ice's explanation

of why he didn't
rip off Queen.

- It's not the same bass line.

Uh, like, it goes...

[humming]

That's the way theirs goes.
Ours goes...

[humming]

- That makes sense.

You've got a rock-solid case
there, Vanilla.

No problem there.

Now--now--now,
stashing those refugees

at Gitmo attracted significant
criticism at the time.

But when the w*r on terror
began, we started doing

the exact same thing
with terror suspects,

even though,
right from the start,

Donald Rumsfeld admitted it was

far from the perfect solution.

woman: Mr. Secretary,
we've gotten into trouble

every time we've tried to use
Guantanamo Bay in the past

to hold people
for other reasons.

Why use it?
Why is it the best place?

- I-I would characterize
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,

um, as the least-worst place
we could have selected.

- "The least-worst place."

That is a rousing endorsement

from the worst-worst secretary
of defense of all time.

But--but there was
an obvious problem

with using Guantanamo
in the w*r on terror,

and people were pointing it out
at the time.

- How do you avoid the prospect
of the U.S. military

in fact being jailers,

for an indeterminate
period of time,

of people who have
not been charged?

What are you gonna--what are you
gonna do about it?

- It is certainly the--
the not-the-first choice

of the Department of Defense

to be in the business of--
of detaining people

for long periods of time.

- Yeah, it might not have been
his first choice,

but it was inevitable.

Because a "w*r on Terror"
isn't a traditional w*r,

where there's an exchange of
prisoners at the end.

We were never going to accept
a formal surrender

from the president of Terror,

who I can only assume
is Willem Dafoe.

And--and--and now,
that brings us to here.

Here, right now, nearly
a decade and a half later,

and we're all so accustomed to
the very existence of Guantanamo

that news crews tour it like
it's a million-dollar listing.

man: This is a typical
cell in Camp Five.

It meets all American
Correctional

Association standards.

This is about 95 square feet
of living space

with about 80 feet
of unencumbered space.

man: One of the other amenities

available to the detainees
is a library

of books, magazines,
and video games.

- The book that we have
the most, um,

in different languages would be
the "Harry Potter" series.

man: Inmates are also
given art classes,

the results of which
are on display.

- He's making it sound
like the world's

least-Jewish summer camp.

Who's doing Birth Right
next year?

Nobody is.

Although, even the current
luxuries the prisoners get

tend to carry a chilling
reminder of where they are.

man: All prisoners use
toiletries which happen to have

the brand name
"Maximum Security."

- Oh, come on.

A prison calling its deodorant
"Maximum Security"

is a little on the nose.

It would be like
a Holiday Inn Express

calling its complimentary lotion

"Tearful Masturbation."

[sobbing]

And--and look...

[cheers and applause]

That hit home a little too close
to some of you.

And before you think that
those library books

provided an escape
for the inmates,

just listen to Shaker Aamer,

who was released last October

after being held without charge

for nearly 14 years.

He found one particular book
less an escape

and more a reminder
of where he was.

- You know they got--they got an
island in "Harry Potter."

It says "Azbakan,"
where there is no happiness.

They, you know,
they just suck

all your feelings out of you.

And you don't--

you don't have
no feeling anymore.

And truly, that's how I felt
all the time,

is, "This is Azbakan.
This is not from this world."

You know, because
that's what they tried.

You know?

They want to make you
feeling-less.

- Wow, that is
the saddest allusion

to "Harry Potter"
I have ever heard.

And I say that as a man
who is often described

as "Harry Potter if he aged
like a president."

And--and that's the point here.

No amount of sugar-coating can
cover up the reality

of what we have done
at Guantanamo Bay.

Because in the early years,
interrogation techniques

included physical beatings,
short shackling--

where a prisoner's arms and legs

are shackled together
for long periods--

and hours and sometimes days

of repeated loud music,

which is horrendous.

Although sometimes,

that last technique backfired,

because that same
"Harry Potter"-loving inmate

grew up loving
American rock music,

and would annoy the guards
by singing along.

And just listen to him describe

the one song that gave him
the most consolation.

- I mean...[laughing],
I'm sure--

I'm sure everybody will laugh
when you hear it,

because I used to sing it a lot.

I used to--
because the words,

I though the words,
it fits me.

The words makes me feel like,

"Yeah, it's me again,"

which is Whitesnake,
it's "Here I Go Again."

They go--the words goes,
"Here I go again on my own.

"Going down the only road
I've ever known.

"Like a drifter,
I was born to walk alone.

"'Cause I know what it means
to walk along

"an only street of dreams.

And here I go again."

And it's true,
because it's just dreams.

Dreams that
I will be home one day.

Dreams that I will be free.

Dreams that
Guantanamo will be closed.

- You know you are miserable
when you are finding

solace in a f*cking
Whitesnake song.

That is a group whose
second-most inspirational lyrics

are probably, "I know you ain't
a bad girl, honey,

"no matter what
the neighbors say.

"It's just you wear those
skin-tight dresses

with your G-string tuned to A."

Pure poetry.

Purest poetry.

But we justified Gitmo, and
everything we did inside it,

because we were constantly
reminded of one thing.

- These are not mere innocents.

These are among
the worst of the worst.

- They are bad guys--these are
the worst of the worst.

- These are the people
who are the b*mb-makers.

The bodyguards of
Osama bin Laden.

The financiers, the plotters,
the people who have, uh, been

sent out to be assassins,
to be su1c1de bombers.

These are the worst
of the worst.

- Now, "the worst of the worst"
is a big claim.

I can think of
at least one person

who fits that category
and who is not in there,

and that's because
apparently he's still

working for "The Today Show."

But--who knows?

But--but while--
but while some detainees--

some detainees, like
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed,

have clearly earned that title,
others have not.

Because thinking about it:
if they were really

all so terrible,
it's a little shocking

that we've released 710
detainees over the years.

And leaked documents
have since revealed

that out of 212 Afghans
who were there,

almost half were, in the
assessments of U.S. forces,

"Either entirely innocent,
mere Taliban conscripts,"

"or had been transferred
to Guantanamo

with no reason for doing so
on file."

And some of the evidence
against detainees

was surprisingly flimsy.

- One, I guess,
piece of evidence

that they would use
to determine--

I thought this was fascinating--
Casio watches.

- Well, it--it's kind of
a little bit arbitrary,

but anybody who was wearing

this particular brand
of Casio watch,

which was handed out by Al-Qaeda
to their fighters

because it was used as a timer
for setting off devices,

so anybody who happened to have
this very popular watch on

was immediately picked up,
and a lot of them

ended up in Guantanamo Bay.

- That's true.

If someone was caught
wearing this Casio watch,

that could be used
as crucial evidence.

And incidentally, that makes
this the only time in history

anyone has actively sought out
a man wearing a Casio watch.

And--and look,
this is not to say

that everyone in Guantanamo
is or was innocent,

and there is justifiable concern

that whenever
we release someone,

they might go on
to fight against us.

In fact, the government claims
that nearly 6%

of those released
under President Obama

have been confirmed
to have reengaged

in insurgent or
t*rror1st activities,

and for those released
by the Bush Administration,

it's been 21%.

And while some argue
those numbers are inflated,

even if they are,
they are not zero.

And that is why politicians
like d*ck Cheney

have taken a hard-line position

that we should not
let anyone go.

- I'm more concerned
with bad guys

who got out and released
than I am

with a few that,
in fact, were innocent.

Todd: You're okay with that
margin for error?

- I have no problem

as long as we achieve
our objective.

- Yeah, but that
is not reassuring.

The only objectives d*ck Cheney
has ever achieved

have been somehow serving
as president unofficially

and managing to exist without
the need for a working heart.

So--so there are clearly
sharp divisions

about what we should do with
the remaining population,

and you should know there's
actually not that many left.

There are currently just


That's less than
the number of people

in our audience right now,

some of whom are arguably
worse people

than some of the detainees
at Gitmo.

They know it.
They know it.

They--deep down, they know it.

[cheers and applause]

And--and...

It's an odd thing to clap.

And--and you might think,

"Well, why doesn't the president
just put them on trial,

"figure out which ones
are guilty,

and then he can decide
whether or not to close it?"

Well, it's just not that simple,

because the 61 detainees
fall into three groups.

Ten of them, including
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed,

are having their cases handled
by a military commission.

That is a legal process

that we've basically
invented from scratch,

and it's so flawed that of its
eight convictions so far,

four have been fully reversed
on appeal.

Now, another 20 of them

are actually slated for release,

but are waiting for
the State Department,

the intelligence agencies,
and the Department of Defense

to agree on a country
to send them to.

And that leaves us with
the trickiest group,

the remaining 31 detainees

who have not been charged
with a crime,

but who are also not cleared
to be released,

and they are
the real problem here,

because even the president

doesn't quite know
what to do with them.

- There's gonna be a certain
irreducible number,

uh, that, uh, are gonna
be really hard cases,

'cause, you know, we know
they've done something wrong,

and they are still dangerous,
but it's difficult

to mount the evidence in a
traditional Article Three court,

so we're gonna have to
wrestle with that.

- Now, think about
what he just said.

That is the president,

a man who has taught
Constitutional law,

suggesting that
for some detainees,

there is no clear path
toward a trial or an exit.

Now, it's a group that
the administration has called

"the irreducible minimum,"

which sounds like
the name of a band

that was going to call itself
"Absolute Zero,"

but got into a fight about it

with their pretentious
theremin player.

And--and if you're wondering
why the president says

it's difficult to
"mount the evidence,"

what he means there is,
in some cases,

there's not enough of it,
and in others,

it was obtained through t*rture.

And there is a good reason that
that is inadmissible,

because people often
say anything

to make t*rture stop.

If you gave me a purple nurple

for just ten seconds,

I would look you in the eye
and swear

that my favorite cereal
is Grape-Nuts.

And--and I'm fairly sure

that that cereal's
original name was,

"Good morning, idiot--
eat some cat litter."

So, the point is,

how does the president,

who has spent nearly a decade

promising to close Gitmo,
plan to do that?

Well, it turns out,
it all depends

on what your definition
of the word "close" is.

- Closing Guantanamo,
at this stage,

in the Obama
administration view,

is really moving Guantanamo
to U.S. soil.

The idea is to pick up
the last detainees

and move them to military
detention in the United States,

what we call
"Guantanamo North."

- Yes, Guantanamo North,

or as I'm sure it will be called

once they build
a Whole Foods there,

"Gitmo-No."

And--and look,

moving Guantanamo
is not closing it,

but even that is not
going to happen.

There's been relentless
Congressional opposition

to moving any detainees
to U.S. soil,

and the people
in charge of Gitmo

seem to be settling in
for the long haul,

and the reason we know that
is because

a legal document
from last month showed

the Commander--
the current Commander there

proposes renovating
their infirmary,

as it will be beneficial
to the continued care

of the aging population.

So, there might
well be detainees

that we scooped up as young men

who we think are guilty

but who will never get a trial

and they will be there
until they die.

And at this point, we all
have to ask ourselves,

are we okay with that?

And remember, it does seem

that more than half of us are.

But I would argue that
any potential risk

in putting detainees on trial,
losing that case,

and having to release them,
is worth it

for a few important reasons.

First, as it stands,

we are ceding
so much moral high ground

that Vladimir Putin
feels comfortable

saying things like this.

- [speaking Russian]

- They once said that they would
close Guantanamo.

And what?
Is it closed?

No.

Today, there's
still people there

walking in shackles.

That is just medieval.

Without a trial,
these people stay in prison.

Well, just imagine.
It's incredible.

Can you imagine
if we did that here?

I can't wrap my head around it.

- [Russian accent]
Yes,

I am befuddled by
their behavior.

Luckily, here in Russia,
the people I do not like

just disappear for reasons

nobody will ever know

and nobody needs to worry about.

But Guantanamo?
[imitates expl*si*n]

It blows my mind!

Blows my mind!

[cheers and applause]

And--and while supporters
of Guantanamo

argue that closing it
would be a sign of weakness,

I would argue
it's an act of strength.

Just listen to
Lawrence Wilkerson,

Colin Powell's former
chief of staff.

- What do we do with them?

Do we leave them there forever?

As an American citizen
who is not a coward,

I'd be willing to release

every one of them
tomorrow morning,

and face 'em on the b*ttlefield
again, if necessary.

But we got a lot of cowards
in this country these days.

- Exactly.

When you see a bumper sticker

that says "freedom isn't free,"

this is what that means.

Standing up for
our highest ideals

even when it requires accepting

a certain amount of risk,

and when that bumper sticker
is displayed

above a pair of red, white,
and blue TruckNutz,

it's a good reminder that doing
something like that takes balls.

And--and there is actually one
final thing to consider here.

The concept of Guantanamo
represents an opportunity

to operate outside
the boundaries of the law,

and that is way too tempting
a proposition

to have at
the government's disposal.

Because while you might
be someone

who trusts President Obama's
judgment,

remember,
he's on his way out now,

meaning that
the keys to Azkaban

will be handed over to
whoever succeeds him,

and there is still a possibility

it's going to be this guy.

- We're going to keep--
as you know,

Gitmo, we're keeping that open,

and we're gonna load it up
with bad dudes.

We're gonna load it up with
a lot of bad dudes out there.

- That's the point.

If we don't shut it down,

future President Trump
could theoretically

throw anyone he doesn't like
into Guantanamo.

And you might say,
"Well, come on,

"he'd have to come up
with some pretext,

and it couldn't be
an American citizen."

But I would like
to put it to you

that I've been
shit-talking this guy

for the better part of a year,

and I own a f*cking
Casio watch.

[cheers and applause]

So we need to shut
this shit down now.

And now, this.

- How do you feel
about your butt?

- Are you kidding me?

You did not just ask me that.
- I did.

- I was in my pajamas all day,
just walking around the house--

- S-slow down here.
This is--this is the good part.

Yeah.
- Okay, I was in my negligee.

- Ah.

You're the best-looking girl
in the whole cast.

Are you single,
or are you, uh, boyfriend?

What's going on, gorgeous?
- Hi.

- Look at you.
You are so beautiful.

Here's a very
inappropriate question:

do you ever, uh, send pictures?

You know, intimate pictures
to one another on the--

on the mobile phone?

The talk, right now,
is your dress, so--

- Oh, my gosh.
- Let's get this going here.

That white number
you wore the other night?

Where were you?
Oh, my God.

- Oh, at the People's Choice.
- Ba-boom.

What's going on with
the calorie intake

over here, ladies?

There's the lovely
Nancy O'Dell.

Look at her, gorgeous,
working on her computer.

Let Uncle Bushy read you guys
a story, okay?

Somebody take my picture.
Quickly.

Selena Gomez, you're 17.

If you don't look good
without makeup now,

I'd pack it in,
same with Miley Cyrus.

- Some family jewelry
right there.

- Maybe a photo
of your family jewels first,

and make sure that you don't
want--that you can Tweet to Al.

- Moving on.

[cheers and applause]

Moving on.

Finally, tonight,
we turn to Chechnya,

Russia's Florida,

in that it shares
a border with Georgia,

and doesn't seem
to have any laws.

Uh, its leader, Ramzan Kadyrov,

is known for his
human rights abuses,

his close ties
to Vladimir Putin,

and his phenomenal
Instagram page,

where you can see him,
among other things,

attempting to make out
with a deer.

Kadyrov:
[speaking native language]

- You can tell that even
that deer is thinking,

"Look, I'll give you one kiss
because I'm a deer

"and I'm stupid,
but shouldn't you

be running a republic
right now?"

We actually talked about Kadyrov
back in May,

when he'd lost his cat

and he was asking his people

to help him locate it.

You may remember
that we asked you

to take photos
of any cats you saw

and send them to Kadyrov,
asking him,

"Is this your cat?"

Now, apparently,

he didn't find that
very funny,

because--
and this is true--

he Instagrammed
this photoshopped image

of me in a Putin T-shirt

with the caption,
"I'm tired of jokes.

"I want to care
for cats in Chechnya.

By the way,
Putin is our leader."

And listen, I'll admit,

I'm tired of a great many jokes,

but asking Kadyrov
"is this your cat?"

is emphatically not one of them.

But--but this week,
I do have an update for you

on Kadyrov, but it is not
that he has found his cat.

He ha--he hasn't.

I'm--I'm guessing
he's currently seeking comfort

in the old Chechen saying,

"Every time Ramzan Kadyrov
loses a pet,

the terrible forest wolves
gain a snack."

But--but something almost as
exciting happened to him.

- [speaking native language]

- The regions were electing

new leaders and local deputies.

The most convincing result
was shown

by incumbent leader of Chechnya,
Ramzan Kadyrov.

He has more than 97% of votes.

- Yes, Kadyrov won reelection

with 97% of the vote.

Not 100%.


It's a gentleman's
dictatorial landslide.

Uh, Turkmenistan's
leader was reelected

with 97% of the vote,

as was Egypt's el-Sisi,

and Syria's Bashar al-Assad
earned both

his first and second term
with, guess what,



That number seems to sum up

the tyrant's mindset perfectly.

I'm paranoid--paranoid
enough to know

that 100% is too high,

and yet I'm delusional enough

to think 96%
is a real nail-biter.

But Kadyrov's reelection
is by no means

the most eye-catching thing
he's been up to lately,

because cat or no cat--

and to be absolutely clear,
no cat--

Kadyrov has had himself
quite the summer.

Just a few weeks ago,
he held a celebration

for Chechen Women's Day,

and this is how
he was dressed for dinner.

[festive music]

♪

Who...

Who wears a suit of armor

to a Women's Day dinner?

Congratulations, ladies.

To honor you,
I'm wearing clothing

from an era when you had
no rights whatsoever.

You there!
Serving wench!

Bring me my women's day wine!

A-and that was just
the beginning.

You see,
Kadyrov has three young sons,

pictured here being hugged by
what is either

Steven Seagal or
a tomato with a goatee.

It's unclear.
We don't know for sure.

But if you follow Kadyrov
on Instagram,

which you really should,
you will know

that he has been training
his children and other boys

in mixed martial arts.

And if his unlicensed
boxing gym for sweaty tots

were not weird enough,
and it very much is,

this week he actually staged
a series of MMA fights

featuring each of
his three sons

as he sat there and watched.

And I honestly don't know what
I find more upsetting there:

the fact adults are
cheering on fighting children,

or the fact that any one
of those children

could beat the living shit
out of me.

But--but--but wait, because
we're still not done here,

because this week,
the same week he staged

his child fight
and was reelected,

Kadyrov launched
his own reality show.

- [speaking native language]

man: [speaking native language]

- Yes.

Kadyrov has his own
reality show,

the premise of which is that
contestants compete

to be the head of Chechnya's
Strategic Development Agency,

which, to be honest,
might just mean

spotting an eight-year-old
in the weight room.

But--but the bigger picture
here is,

I think I know
what you're thinking.

Wait, an authoritarian nutcase

who wants to rule the land
has a reality show

where people compete
to be his employee?

That's the most ridiculous thing
I have ever--

you know what,
I'm hearing it out loud,

I get it, never mind,
never mind.

Let's move on.

Look--look, I can make fun

of Kadyrov all I want

until he murders me,

but--but you've got to admit,

he is living a dream right now.

He's got Chechnya's
highest office,

he's got his own
reality show,

and he's got a level of power
so great

that no one will tell him not to
stage televised child fights

or show up to dinner
dressed like

the world's oldest
Ren Faire enthusiast.

Kadyrov has everything
he wants in this life,

and there are no words
I could say to him

to remind him that he is
missing something,

other than, uh...

[cheers and applause]

Ramzan Kadyrov,

I have a quick question for you.

Is this your cat?

[cheers and applause]

Is this your cat?

Is this your cat, Ramzan?

Because I'm 97% sure
that it is.

That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week.

Good night.

There you go.

Yeah?

Are you his cat?

[upbeat rock music]

♪