05x12 - Clarissa Gets Arrested

[bunniefuu]

I think it was Mark Twain, or was it Willard Scott,

who said, "Everybody talks about the weather,

but nobody does anything about it."

But, you know,

there are lots of things people complain about

which they can do something about,

which doesn't mean that they do.

Like everybody complained about the class budget,

but nobody bothered to vote for a class treasurer...

Except stinky Stancotti, who voted for himself,

so he won.

And he ended up spending the whole budget

on uniforms for the rocket club.

And people always hate the spring dance decor,

but no one ever stops Nimsey Dimsdale

from taking over...

even though she always goes

for that ever popular fuzzy unicorn theme.

So okay, we all get apathetic about stuff sometimes,

but in the grand scheme of things,

a goofy spring dance and a class budget

don't add up to much.

On the other hand,

some things really do matter.

And if you care enough,

it's time to take action.

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♪ Way cool ♪

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♪ All right, all right ♪

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♪ Way cool ♪

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♪ Just do it ♪

I can't believe this.

[thud]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

Sam, we've got to do something about this.

About what?

Look at this article on Woolcott Industries.

You mean that huge company up from pine road?

That's the one.

So they're expanding their facilities.

So what?

Bottom paragraph, line two.

Wow! I had no idea they did animal testing.

Neither did I.

And we've been getting their bubble bath

since I was a little kid.

And I've been using their shaving cream

for as long as I've been shaving,

and that's like four months already.

It makes me feel guilty about all those bubble baths.

Yeah, it's a really big drag, but what can you do?

Hey, you going to Kelly Dingbingle's party

this weekend?

Sam, wait a minute,

we can't just sit back

and let some business in our own neighborhood

do something we're really against.

Clarissa, Woolcott is a huge company.

You can't just call them up and say,

"Please stop your animal testing,"

and they go, "Sure, Kid. Whatever you say."

But, Sam, there's plenty of stuff we can do,

like we can get people to write letters,

hand out pamphlets, boycott their products!

Clarissa, that's not gonna do any good.

Hey, and I can write about this in theThomas Tupper Times.

The power of the press.

First amendment. Freedom of speech!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

it's easy to talk about changing the world,

but who's gonna listen to a couple of high school kids?

Sam, I can't believe you're so cynical.

The whole point of the press is to be an advocate for change.

I guess even Rush Limbaugh would agree with that.

I'm gonna write the editorial of the century.

"Dear readers,

What's the big, bad secret on pine road?

Here's the scoop."

Hey. Look, Sam.

A letter from Woolcott Industries.

We did it!

Clarissa, your editorial in theThomas Tupper Times

did generate, like, a gazillion names

on our petition.

I'm not surprised.

Oh, right, Mr. optimist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what's it say?

Dear, Ms. Darling.

Thank you for your interest in Woolcott Industries.

We always enjoy hearing from our many customers.

As a token of our appreciation,

Here is a free sample of our new super gel mousse.

Yours, Haverford B. Woolcott III, President.

What does that have to do with animal testing?

Nothing, Sam.

But I have a feeling that's the point.

Fore!

[ball thuds]

Anybody see my ball?

It was a Titleist .

Ferguson, this is a house, not a golf course.

I shanked my drive.

What do you want from me?

I didn't keep my head down.

I think your ball went into the kitchen.

Thanks. I think this might be a bogey hole for me.

Ferguson, what is all this?

Sis, what is the preferred sport

of Fortune executives?

Need I say more?

But do they dress like they're certifiably insane?

It's the retro look.

I got the whole shebang

from old man Gravelbacker for a song.

Nice, huh?

Okay, keep your head down...

Keep your left arm straight.

Hey, you think this mousse is any good?

Sam, how can you even think about it?

Clarissa, it doesn't look like Woolcott Industries

is going to change their ways.

I mean, they just shined you on.

I'm not giving up that easily.

This letter is totally insulting.

Do they really think we're so apathetic

we can be placated by a form letter

and a free sample?

Hi, Sport. Hi, Sam.

Hi.Hi, guys.

How was the yard sale?Ah, it was great.

Look what I got.

That looks familiar.It should.

Mr. Gravelbacker bought it

at our yard sale just last year.

You know, I knew the second I sold it

that I'd want it back some day.

"Woodstock, the ultimate musical sit-in."

And now, it's mine again.

Uh-huh, until our next garage sale.

Hey, Sam.

I know a way we might get our message to Woolcott.

What's that?

Well, he may not care about our high school paper

and a lot of kids signatures,

but I'd bet he'll care if we take our cause

right to his doorstep.

Why would he pay attention to us?

Not just you and me, Sam.

I'm talking about a whole bunch of us

with flyers, and signs, and loud voices.

A protest sit-in!

I can get into that.

My parents used to do it all the time.

It's the only way

Woolcott won't be able to ignore us.

That's a great idea.

We can get everyone who signed the petition

to storm the building, stage a coup,

take over Woolcott's office, and force his hand!

Well, I was thinking of something

a little more peaceful,

but I like the spirit, Sam.

Let's hope it's contagious.

Okay.

We've plastered the area with flyers.

We put a sign-up sheet at school,

and we've got a phone tree branching out of control.

Tomorrow, at this time

one full-blast,

full-scale protest will be in full swing.

And that should mean one major blow to Woolcott

and public apathy.

Clarissa, what are you doing?

Fighting the powers that be, Ferguson,

instead of sucking up to them.

Something you wouldn't understand.

Well, if you choose to behave like someone from another era,

it's your life.

But could you please do it somewhere else?

This is the third tee...

Third tee?

On my new golf course.

Your golf course?

Darling Pines,

a regulation championship -hole layout.

See that little flag over there on the Soapersteins' deck?

That's the third tee.

Slight breeze to the south.

Think a iron ought to do it.

Ferguson, you know, can you do this somewhere else?

This is my backyard too, you know.

Quiet in the gallery,please.

Shh.

[glass shatters]

Rats. Slice.

Well, that'll cost me a stroke.

Cheerio.

Well, it's a good thing he didn't take up archery.

Hey, Sport. How's it going?

Great. I'm just waiting for Sam to come over

and help me finish up these signs

and then we're all set.

Well, Clarissa, you know,

we were rooting around the attic

and we found this.

Now, this is my official protest jacket, .

Beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it doesn't really fit me anymore.

Oh, well, it's the jacket

that's gotten smaller, right, Marshall?

Well, you know, Janet, that attic is very dry,

things tend to shrink up there.

Okay, Sport, here. I want you to have this.

Thanks, Dad.

Clarissa, we want to make sure

that you're very careful at this protest of yours.

Careful?

Yeah, well, you know, Sport,

these things have a way of getting out of hand.

But, Dad, I'm just planning

a legal, peaceful demonstration.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

Burn, baby! Burn!

Hell no! We won't go!

[yelling in Spanish]

Hey, everybody. Ready for the protest?

Hi, Sam, nice gear. Where'd you get it?

My uncle Obadiah had a bit part in the summer stock production

ofEvitaa few years ago.

You know, Samuel, a protest is serious,

it's not all fun and games.

Yeah. You know, maybe we should go with them.

Come if you like but not if you're just worried.

We'll be fine.We will.

Definitely.

Okay, but you guys organized this thing,

so you will be responsible for everyone there.

Yeah, you know, guys, just remember

to use your common sense.

I mean, that's the most important thing

to keep in mind.

I promise, nothing will get out of hand.

Okay. Well, all right.

Hey, keep the faith.

Go for it.

You got it.

Well, Clarissa, let's just hope

everything goes the way we want it to.

Hey, Sam, we're just exercising our constitutional rights.

I mean, come on.

What's the worst that could happen?

Okay.

Now's not the time to panic.

One phone call, and everything will be fine.

I'm glad to hear that, Clarissa.

Because around here,

one phone call is all you're gonna get.

Um, guard,

can we have the phone now,please?

Thanks.

Go ahead. Call your dad.

Me? You go ahead.

Your parents are the protest kings.

But your dad is so mellow and understanding.

Clarissa, your parents are even more mellow and understanding,

much more.

Besides, you have two of them. They calm each other down.

But, Sam, this is different. We're in jail.

And I promised my parents nothing would happen.

Your dad would be okay about it.

About posting bail?

Clarissa, I think in this case

your parents are the ones to handle things.

No, Sam, your dad.

Hey!

Other people are waiting to use that phone!

Okay. Sorry, sir.

Okay, Sam, here it goes.

I mean, what's the worst they could say?

I don't even want to think about it.

Hi, mom. It's me.

Hey, you'll never guess where I'm calling from.

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I can't believe it.

My own daughter, arrested.

Relax, Marshall. Everything's fine now.

Yeah, my only daughter, behind bars.

She was willing to stand up for what she believed in,

and I'm proud of her.

Yeah, but my baby.

My sweetheart. My little girl.

Clarissa, maybe you should tell us exactly what happened.

You know, we'd expected about kids.

And how many people came?

About six, if you count me and Sam.

I guess a lot of people are willing to sign a petition,

but it's a whole different thing

to give up your Saturday afternoon.

Yeah, but, Sport, if only six protesters showed up,

how on earth did you get arrested?

It's kind of embarrassing, Dad.

See, there we were, marching, chanting, everything orderly,

but then Sam decided protesting was hungry work.

Fortunately, or rather unfortunately,

there was a Mr. Wiener stand nearby.

What can I say?

Junkfood and politics don't mix.

It all started with a bag of barbecue chips.

They went flying when I opened them,

causing me to step back into Lenny Lesterlink,

whose picket sign beaned Jennifer Guff,

making her do a somewhat impressive back roll

into Bobo Beefnick,

whose root beer sprayed all over Maggie Marple

who jostled Sam,

who squirted ketchup onto the starched white shirt

of one Mr. Haverford Woolcott,

who'd picked just that moment to leave the building.

And that's how it happened.

Wow!

So you slimed the owner

of a multi-billion dollar corporation?

But anybody could see that it was an accident.

Not Woolcott, apparently.

I guess he's real particular about his shirts.

Well, I'm sure he'll cool off after a few days

and the whole thing will blow over.

Yeah, well, I sure hope you're right.

All in all, I'd say you and Samuel had quite a day.

Yeah.

I just wish we'd been able to change Woolcott's mind

instead of the color of his shirt.

[TV Announcer] ...Bruce Lipsky is hitting

two under on second sh*t on this par -.

Looks like a beautiful sh*t, Jay.

Oh, and he's in good shape, right on the green and...

What a sh*t! What a golf sh*t.

Golf on TV,

the most boring thing yet invented by man.

Oh, excuse me, sis.

If you wouldn't mind,

this happens to be my official clubhouse.

Remember? Darling Pines country club?

Hate to say it, kiddos, but this is sort of exclusive.

Meaning what?

Meaning we don't take too highly to ex-cons.

Ferguson, we're not ex-cons.

We were in lock up for, like, minutes.

Uh-huh, and Charles Manson was a nice hippie kid

from Oakland.

Ferguson, we didn't do anything.

Uh-huh, try writing that line on your college applications.

Extra-curricular activities--

busting rocks.

Special interests or activities--

hmm... making license plates.

Hate to burst your bubble, Ferguson,

but no one here is going to prison.

Well, this just arrived.

It's marked "county courthouse."

What? Give me that!

I wonder what that could be.

Probably just a letter, you know,

saying Woolcott dropped the charges.

To Ms. Clarissa Darling,

Afternoon of October th,

to appear in Cook county courthouse.

Sam, they didn't drop the charges.

We have to go to court.

In regards to the matter of the people

vs. Clarissa Darling and Sam Anders.

Wow.

My sister goes to the big house.

The rock. The pen. The slammer.

Oh, there is justice in this world after all.

I never thought we'd get in so much hot water

just for defending helpless animals.

Maybe I should go call Jacoby & Myers.

If you get any brilliant ideas, let me know.

See you, Sam.

They wouldn't really send us to jail, would they?

Nah. They couldn't. No way.

Not in a million years. Right?

It was a dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin' place to live.

But that's where we did our livin'.

Me, Tess, Mabel, Gertrude, and Frenchie.

We were prisoners of cellblock H.

And even though it may not mean much to you,

it made me prouder than hell.

Play it, Clarissa.

Play the one that makes me feel free deep down inside.

You got it, Frenchie.

[playing harmonica]

She's gone.

See, we wasn't figurin'

on staying cooped up in that stinkin' slammer for long.

'Cause me and the gals,

we's bustin' out of this joint.

So long, suckas.

Yeah.

Go! Go!

[overlapping chatter]

Wow.

I'd better come up with a plan

before Sam and I go up the river.

Can you believe these articles?

"Tycoon takes on teens."

"Woolcott steamed over stain."

"Make-up magnate makes a bogus charge."

We're celebrities, Sam.

I can't believe anyone would really care about us

going to court.

I mean, no one cared when we were protesting

in the first place.

Then, we were just hot-headed teenagers.

Now, we're hapless corporate victims.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is Clarissa Darling.

Who?

Yeah, I'll hold.

It's Mr. Woolcott.

Don't talk to him. His phone might be bugged.

Hello, Mr. Woolcott.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Just a sec.

He says he'll drop the charges on one condition.

What is it?

What's the condition?

Oh, yeah. I understand.

Just a sec.

No more protests, no more petitions,

no more editorials.

Sounds like three conditions.

What should we say?

Tell him we'll see him in court.

How cheap does he think we are?

Mr. Woolcott,

this is our answer.

No way, Jose.

We're not afraid of you or your big, ugly corporate g*ons.

You can press charges till you're blue in the face.

We're not giving up

until you stop testing your products on those animals.

And that's final.

Uh, Clarissa,

you didn't have to get carried away.

Well, we can't let him bully us around.

I hear you, but what are we gonna do?

The only thing we can do.

We're gonna stage another protest.

Yeah!

But why do I have a funny feeling

we're gonna regret this?

Thanks to all this media attention,

we're gonna have hundreds of people

this afternoon, Sam.

Yeah, and it's great that your mom and dad

were willing to help us organize this thing.

Yeah.

Oh, and the folk guitarist from Cafe Let It Be

is gonna lead us in a medley of protest songs.

And don't forget

the Thomas Tupper dance club's interpretive ballet

celebrating the life cycle of the spotted owl.

Yeah, I'm not sure how that one fits in,

but I guess they mean well.

Is this a protest or what?

Yeah, this time, Woolcott won't

be able to ignore what we have to say.

Hey, guys.

These signs look great.

Thanks.

So, uh, how do we look?

Excellent, Mr. and Mrs. Darling.

Thank you, Samuel.Yeah, totally cool.

So is everything all set?

Yep, this is one major protest underway.

Great.

We'll just gonna make some sandwiches

in case anyone gets hungry out there.

Yeah.

I always work up quite an appetite myself

at these rallies.

Come on. Let's go make our protest pita specials.

Boy, your parents are really into this protest thing.

Yeah, I guess it's kind of a second honeymoon for them.

So are the bullhorns ready?

Ready and raring to go.

Two, four, six, eight!

Who do we wish to debate!

Woolcott! Woolcott!

Woolcott?

Clarissa Darling, how lovely to see you again.

And your little friend...

Sam, sir.Sam, of course.

Now about this little protest you've got cooking...

Actually, it's turned into a pretty big protest,

Mr. Woolcott.

Yeah, and if you've come here to talk us out of it,

forget it.

We're committed to our cause.

Oh, indeed. And I admire that commitment.

We at Woolcott Industries are nothing if not committed.

You two teens give me hope

for the youth of America today.

Well said, sir.We do?

Why, if I had a daughter,

I'd want her to be just like you.

You do have a daughter, sir.

Oh, right.

Well, I hate to interrupt,

but we've got a protest to get to in about minutes.

Join us if you'd like. I think you know the address.

[laughter]

That's very funny.

Yes, well, I don't think that little protest's

going to be necessary.

Big protest.

And we think it is necessary.

You see, kids, how can I say this?

The tradition thing, sir.

They've opened your eyes...

Oh, yes! You've opened my eyes.

We at Woolcott Industries have a tradition to uphold.

A tradition that was begun with my father's father.

Haverford Woolcott, the first. May he rest in peace, sir.

My point is

you and your friend Steve here

have made me see it's time to move forward.

All Woolcott products are pure, natural,

environmentally friendly,

and completely free of animal testing.

What? Since when?

Since now.

We won?

I like to think we all won, Steve,

including the cute little furry animals.

Especially the bunnies, sir.

I'm sure they'll be glad to hear it.

Well, let's get going to that press conference.

Press conference?Of course.

You're going to want to be there

for our big announcement.

Woolcott Industries takes leadership role

in protecting animal rights.

I guess this means we're not going to jail.

Oh, don't be silly!

Do we really have to drop those charges?

Yes, sir, the legal team said.

Oh, never mind.

Of course, you won't be going to jail.

After all, you've opened our eyes

to a great marketing strategy.

Woolcott goes green.

That's a million-dollar idea if I ever heard one.

It should be

our most profitable marketing campaign ever, Sir.

Not now, Pennybaker.

Oh, so you're doing this all for profit.

Okay, everybody smile!

I'll get this out with a press release

immediately, Sir.

Just look at them, the hope of America.

Why, the hope of the whole country,

the whole planet...

Woolcott Industries, for the future, for the planet.

For the furry ones, Sir.

Come on, Pennybaker, let's get out of here.

See you there, kids. Be proud.

So we did it.

Yeah, but I thought victory was supposed to feel good.

Yeah, I feel so cheap,so used.

So exploited.

But, you know, Steve,

I guess sometimes

when you can't change people's minds,

you have to settle with changing their ways.

Can you pass me the funnies, Sam?

Sure. Here.

Thanks.

Heck of a guy, that Woolcott.

Very engaging gentleman.

How would you know?

Oh, we just spent a lovely morning

on his private links.

You played golf with Woolcott?

Well, let's just say I facilitated his game.

Sounds like you were his caddie.

So? A man's caddie is more than a club carrier.

He's a personal advisor,

a confidant.

Yeah, next thing you know,

I'll be sitting in on board meetings.

It's possible.

They do need someone to hand out the pencils.

No way!What?

This is worth a major response.

They reduced the print size of Calvin and Hobbes!

I guess it's worth some sort of protest,

but do we really want to go through all that?

Come on, Sam.

What's the worst that could happen?

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪