05x03 - Editor in Chief

[bunniefuu]

I almost have enough cereal box tops saved

To get a genuine plastic cow mug.

Just another , of these

And I can get something I actually want.

As the illustrious wordsmith samuel johnson once said--

Or was it the guy onfantasy island?--

"Life is a progress from want to want."

Personally, I think this whole idea of wanting stuff

Can be categorized into four basic want groups.

Number one--wanting something you know you'll never get.

Please, please, please,

Please, please, please,

Please, please, please.

And the brand-new car

Goes to lucky winning ticket number...

!

Yes!

All right!

Then there's basic want number two--

Wanting something you onlythinkyou want...

Until you get it,

Like when I had to have a twisty curl.

Insert hair section "a" through loop "b,"

Pull, and presto.

Next, basic want number three--

Wanting something you never, ever, ever thought you'd want.

Voila! La specialite de la maison--

Escargots au darling.

Escargots? Yuck.

Like the time dad took a french cooking class

And made us all eat his final exam.

Mmm!

Snails?moi? Who'd have thunk?

Finally, there's that rarest basic want group of all--

Wanting something you've always wanted

And actually getting it.

Today I'm experiencing basic want group number four.

I didn't even have to save box tops for it.

I've just landed my dream job.

[Beeping]

Watch out, everybody.

The school newspaper is in my hands.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

Now, here is something we can use.

An espresso maker for the car?

Yeah. Plugs into the cigarette lighter.

You'll never worry about falling asleep at the wheel.

I don't think so, marshall.

Whoa, look at this.

An inflatable, waterproof chess set.

It's for the pool.

Yeah?

We don't have a pool.

I could use it in the bathtub.

You always take showers.

Oh, right. Right.

Oh, clarissa, congratulations.

Yeah, sport. This is really exciting.

Thanks. I know... But how do you know?

News travels fast.

Your journalism adviser called.

Mr. Mcguffy?

He said you're the youngest editor

Of the school paper ever.

I edited a paper in high school.

I don't remember that.

Kind of an underground thing

Calleddig this.

My buddy eric and I wrote it, edited it,

Just never got around to typing it.

Very underground.

Thethomas tupper times

Is definitely aboveground.

I want the next issue to be the best.

I'll help with the design.

I see more color, a slicker logo.

I'll work up a few ideas.

You don't have to.

I'd love to help.

Just think--watching you following in the footsteps

Of johannes gutenberg, ben franklin,

And rupert murdoch.

He can get carried away.

Let me know if I can do anything.

Thanks, mom.

Hiya, chief.

Chief?

Let's talk about my next assignment.

I'll need a lot more space,

Let's say about , words.

I think a portrait above my by-line

Would be appropriate.

You mean a warning label.

I'll help make this paper famous.

Look, ferguson, I know you've been reviewing movies--

I prefer to think of them as films.

And I don't review. I critique.

I hate to admit it.

Your writing is pretty good.

Pretty good? It's pre-pulitzer.

Yeah, very pre-pulitzer.

Lucky for you

I'm not hiring on the basis of personality.

Just don't bug me.

Speaking of bugs,

I plan to give complete coverage

Of an important cultural event--

"Giant insects and mutant cheerleaders,"

A retrospective of the films

Of turner b. Gerhard.

Who?

Only the king of catastrophe,

Carnage, and cleavage.

Plus, I'll get press passes.

I guess bad movies do have their appeal.

O.k., It sounds amusing,

But you're not getting more space than usual.

The washington post, the new york times,

The hackensackherald.

I wish ink didn't come off on your hands.

Great papers should leave their mark,

But this is ridiculous!

Meanwhile, I guess these will do.

So much for research.

Now to get through this slush pile.

All these submissions--

Suddenly, everyone I know is a writer.

Hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

Working on the paper?

I've been looking for ideas.

Did you like mine?

You submitted an idea?

Yeah. You'll love it.

Tell it to me, sam.

Music reviews.

Music reviews? What's new about music reviews?

Alternative music music reviews.

Alternative music is the way

To make the paper cutting-edge.

I like it. Thanks, sam.

Wait. There's more.

What's the rest?

Me.

You?

I'll write the reviews.

You will?

I love those groups. I feel that sound.

I didn't know you really wanted to write.

I don't, but I could.

With you as my editor,

It will be fun.

It might be hard work.

Clarissa, my dad's a sportswriter.

Journalism is in my blood.

I'll have to be totally objective

On everyone's work.

Absolutely.

There's no extensions on deadlines

Like in mrs. Stillwopple's class.

A true journalist thrives on deadlines.

Well, then...o.k. We'll give it a sh*t.

Excellent!

And would you mind putting my by-line

In -inch caps?

Sam!

Just kidding.

It's starting to seem like being a responsible journalist

Means being responsible for finding work

For everyone I know.

Hi, clarissa.

Hi, dad.

Did you have a rough day

At the office, sport?

If you mean grueling,

Annoying, absolutely exhausting,

Yes.

Well, you're the boss.

Being the boss isn't that great.

You're just going to have to get tough.

People respect a boss

Who's decisive, who's demanding.

I know that I do.

But you don't have a boss.

Of course I do--me. I'm hard on myself.

Marshall, you said to tell you

To get back to work at quarter past.

Ohh! All right. Thanks.

Mom, do you think a boss

Has to be tough and demanding?

If she's also open-minded

And willing to listen.

That sounds good.

It's just weird to say no to friends.

Sometimes saying no is easy.

Clarissa--

No.

I haven't asked yet.

You've been asking all day,

And the answer is still no--

No to your own editorial page,

No to your own office,

No to interviewing hot film critic ferguson darling.

Pressure getting to you, sis?

No. Just you.

Actually, I'm planning an interview

With one of cinema's greats.

I know a film legend.

Really? Scorsese? Spielberg? Fellini?

Even better.

I got access to turner b. Gerhard.

He has a lot to say about mutant cheerleaders

And giant insects.

When did the king of splatter become a legend?

When i, ferguson w. Darling,

Film aficionado extraordinaire,

Decided to make him one.

Chief, my piece will be ground-breaking.

I'll break something else

If you don't stop calling me chief.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Uh, pizza for clarissa darling.

Sorry. I didn't order a pizza.

"Congratulations to our neighborhood school's

"Newest editor-in-chief.

"Here's pat's pizza. You're in for a feast.

"Give this free pizza a chew.

"There's more to come

Once you give us a review."

Tell pat I don't accept free food.

He could buy an ad.

Wait.

Thanks anyway.

I know temptation is the root of bad bosses,

But do they have to throw peperoni pizza

Into the equation?

Those tough decisions keep getting tougher.

I've read through sam's review

Once, twice, three times you're out,

And it's really... Well, not good.

It's not just the bad grammar,

Incorrect punctuation, the awkward syntax.

I guess I could correct all that,

But it's riddled with cliches, as the cliche goes.

Here's a music review by leonard k. Adenoid.

It's clear, it's sharp,

And lenny is the most boring jerk around.

I guess some people talk better than they write.

Some write better than they talk.

I've got to talk to sam.

Am I supposed to fire my best friend?

Sam, hi.

Hi, clarissa.

So...

Sew buttons.

So what did you think?

Think?

Of my review.

I tried to capture the sound

Of the smashing pumpkins.

Yeah. I can tell.

I want the reader to hear the music through my words.

X-r-n-m-m-n-a-h?

♪ Zaneramenah

Cool, huh?

That word conveys the lyrics

Andthe guitar riffs.

It must have strained your computer spell-check.

What about the lead?

Uh..."The sound of silence cannot compare

"To the sound of the smashing pumpkins,

"Which is anything but silent.

"It's loud, and I turned it way up

"To bring this review to you, fellow listeners,

Or, in this case, readers."

Does it grab you?

It definitely grabs something.

Thanks. I knew I wouldn't let you down.

I'll go tell dad I'm a newsman, too.

I'm glad you like it.

I don't think I said like.

You don't like it?

Well...

Well, what?

It's...well, it's...

You think it stinks.

I wouldn't say stinks, exactly.

You might as well have.

We'll work on it.

Thanks a lot.

I poured my heart and soul into it.

Maybe I made up a few words.

And misspelled a few.

I'm not a great speller.

Incomplete sentences, poor syntax...

Let's just forget it.

Sam, I said we could work on it.

Great. The quickest way to lose your friends

Is to become their editor.

It started off so well.

Legendary was the day clarissa darling

Was named editor of thethomas tupper times.

Her humble beginnings as a cub reporter

Soon catapulted her to the role

Of empress of newsprint.

But then, suddenly, defeat.

Unable to meet the constant demands

Of those she employed,

Darling soon lost her grasp

On all for which she had once cared.

Aloof, seldom visited, never photographed,

The once-great editor paid a price.

Cost? No man can say.

Whoa. Stop the presses.

I'd better revise this situation

Before it all goes up in smoke.

O.k., I've been up since : this morning

Trying to fit in everything.

I really want to be fair,

Make this issue great, and make everyone happy,

But something's got to give.

It's nice that dad wants to help,

But he's giving me ideas I can't use.

I just don't think thethomas tupper times

Is ready for a -d, glowing,

Scratch 'n' sniff logo.

Is anyone ready for ferguson the filmmaker?

He's turned the bathroom

Into his private special effects studio.

I guess even george lucas had to start somewhere.

I've spent hours trying to turn sam's review

Into something the paper can print.

After I finished editing,

There was only one word left.

I've decided on my editorial subject--

Teen runaways.

If only I had time to write it.

Too bad I can't give myself an extension.

I notice that in all of your films,

Angora sweaters and culottes figured very prominently.

That's very astute.

Thank you.

Could you elaborate on the culotte motif?

I prefer to leave the deeper meaning ambiguous.

Ahh...wise.

A whole new batch of catalogs.

Here. Look at this.

A self-inverting aerobics machine.

"Experience the healthy benefits

Of hanging upside down."

How can we get off these mailing lists?

Think of those poor trees.

Then you will love this home paper-recycling mill.

Oh, that's brilliant!

Who are you?

This is turner b. Gerhard.

I'm sure you've heard of him.

No.

Well, no doubt you're familiar with myoeuvre.

Well, whatoeuvre is that?

His films are classics, dad.

I'm writing the definitive interview.

Bloody brilliant boy, ferguson.

To think he comes from such hardy, simple stock.

Nice to meet you, mr. Gerhard.

Marshall, let's find a place

For that recycler out back.

Your parents are so...so real.

Thank you.

Aren't they, though?

We're very big on reality here.

Hello, chief.

My subject and I were just fine-tuning

The in-depth profile.

It's brilliant, bloody brilliant.

Your brother is just--

He's bloody brilliant, that's all.

Ferguson showed you the piece?

Finally, a film scholar who grasps the importance

Of my breakthrough film with sheb woolly.

Well, tbg, let's get back to work.

We just need to punch up these quotesun peu.

Ferguson, can I talk to youun moment?

Absolutement, chief.

See, tbg, I know

Un peu de francais,too.

Bloodytres bien.

What is he doing here?

He wanted to see the interview before publication.

Ferguson, that is completely unethical.

Don't show your subject an article,

Especially a review.

But he's made some good revisions.

Besides, he's not just my subject.

He's...well, he's...

What, ferguson?

Well, I'm writing a little p.r. For him

While he's in town.

Doesn't "journalistic integrity" mean anything to you?

I'm doing it as a favor.

Gerhard's agreed to introduce me to hollywood.

He thinks my reel is brilliant, bloody brilliant.

That's not all that will be bloody

If you don't get rid of him now!

Whatever you say, chief.

I was just having une petite conference

With my editor.

Fergie, she's quite lovely, your sister.

My mind is racing.

Beautiful young editor

Battles giant alien insect

While wearing angora culottes.

What do you think?

Brain dead, bloody brain dead.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

[Ring]

I'm getting it.

[Ring]

Don't worry. I've got it.

[Ring]

Does anybody live here but me?

Ahem.

"Our pizza is good, and you really should...

"Try it. In fact, it's great,

So go ahead and write about what you ate."

Not again.

I already told pat's I can't accept freebies.

Pat's? I'm from peppy's.

Well, tell peppy he's welcome

To put the poem in an ad.

Wait.

Thanks. That should do it.

Hey, if hillary rodham clinton can send back

All those free designer dresses,

I can live with giving up a few free pizzas.

A thousand thanks, maestro.

It's bloody fantastic

Working with a true cinematic genius.

Ferg, my son, it's a bloody brilliant screenplay,

And with your brilliant special effects reel,

I see no reason why you can't co-direct it

Under my wing.

What screenplay, ferguson?

"The cockroach that ate new york for breakfast"?

Just something I've worked up on the side.

I already see the sequel--

The water bug that ate l.a. For lunch.

Don't they "do lunch" in l.a.?

Oh, yes. Ha ha ha!

That's very funny, ferguson, bloody funny.

Well, so long, my brilliant aficionado.

You will be at my meet-the-fans video signing?

How could your biggest fan miss it?

Biggest fool is more like it.

Don't be jealous. I'll give you a cameo.

You can be the giant cockroach's first victim.

I can't publish your article.

Write a genuine interview, not a puff piece.

I'll save it for my book--

Turner b. Gerhard, the authorized bio.

You can't cop out. I've allotted space for it.

Sorry, sis. Hollywood calls.

I think I'll have a spot of tea

While working on my sh**ting draft.

Oh, by the way, good luck

With your little journalism project.

I'd love to flatten ferguson.

You can't run away from problems,

But why can't you run over them with a truck?

It's time for thethomas tupper times

To be put to bed.

I don't mean under covers.

It's ready to go to press...almost.

First I tried reworking sam's review.

The bad news-- it's not pretty.

But there's good news.

The back of sam's review is worth a thousand words.

It'll be the first cartoon we've ever run.

Hi, sam.

Hey, clarissa.

Thanks for coming over.

No problem. I'm glad you called.

Listen, about the review--

I'm sorry I overreacted.

You worked hard.

I should have been clearer.

Oh, I got the message.

I was really planning to help you rewrite it.

You don't need to.

Here's something ready to print.

You wrote another review?

It's the one I took.

It's leonard's review. I wondered where that went.

I took it by mistake.

For a nerdy little guy, he's a good writer.

He's been doing it longer.

It shows.

The truth is, I can't write.

When the writing is in bubbles,

You're really good.

These panels are so funny.

My cartoons?

"Overheard at a rock concert."

I did those for fun.

Nice title. Who thought of that?

The paper needs a good cartoonist.

You like this one?

I think it's great.

You're not just saying that?

I'm speaking as a friend and as an editor.

This is so cool.

[Knock on door]

Ferguson, what do you want?

I'm submitting my gerhard profile.

There's no room in the paper.

Oh, that's o.k.

That hack-a-matic doesn't deserve a profile,

Just a simple review that exposes

His nonexistent production values

And total lack of technique.

Why the sudden change of heart?

Do you realize that schlockmeister

Had the nerve to use my reel

To illustrate amateurish effects

Versus his so-called spectacular effects?

Whatever happened, you can't let

A personal vendetta bias your article.

I won't. I promise.

I just think I have

A better handle on hisoeuvre.

I've seen the future of gerhard movies.

Its name is "straight to video."

Sounds like a lead.

[Marshall] clarissa, pizza's here.

Who is it this time--

Pat's? Peppy's? Paco's?

Actually, all of them. Help me eat it.

No way. You've buckled?

What happened to journalistic integrity?

With all these competing pizza places,

It's a service to readers

To do a blind taste test and rate them.

Wow, that sounds fair.

All's fair in love and pizza.

I think shakespeare said that.

Or was it pat? Or peppy? Or paco?

I just love this job.

What a great paper.

It looks real good.

Thanks for the new logo, dad.

Sure. I still think a pop-up hologram would work.

This editorial on runaways is good.

Maybe the children's museum

Can find a way to help.

It's cool that journalism can make a difference.

Congratulations.

The paper's everything you wanted it to be.

I've come to believe

That sometimes getting what you want

Is a lot of work, but it's worth it.

♪ Na na na na na