03x10 - Football Fever

[bunniefuu]

No, I haven't taken up meditation.

I'm trying to construct the perfect photo

Using my mind's eye.

Mr. Ianuzzi, our photography teacher,

Says you've to focus yourself before your camera.

Photography has really opened up a new channel

To my creative inner self.

And it gets me out of home ec.

Yesterday, I found out

The dispatchis holding a photography contest.

I've got three days.

I almost had a great picture of mom,

But a ufo landed in the kitchen.

That's ufo as in ugly, ferged-out oddball.

Ok, so then I almost had dad.

Sad, isn't it?

Still, I did manage to get

The best photo ever taken of dork breath.

Of course, it needed a little retouching

To capture his true essence.

Andy warhol once said,

"Everyone is famous for minutes."

Ferguson will be lucky

If he's famous for seconds.

If his fame grows beyond that,

I'm moving--to venus!

Hmm, I wonder...

Is my prize-winning photo out there

Or could it be right here?

Say cheese.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it ♪

If I don't start dinner,

What you see is what you'll get.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, ned.

Not ned "big-mouth," soaperstien.

Marshall, hang up the phone.

Be with you in a second, ned.

I can't, he's our neighbor.

This could be important.

Ned, is this important?

He says it's important.

He wants to keep you on.

Remember when he called to say

His lawnmower was bigger than ours?

You went to buy that silly

Meta-masher ooo.

There's still a space

Where the hedges used to be.

I'm not going to get dragged into anything. Watch.

Ok, ned. What is it?

Oh, he did.

Congratulations. We're very happy for you.

If you'll excuse me,

I was just about to sit down...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

It always starts this way.

Well, big deal!

Any kid can do that.

Kid?

Marshall, no, not the children.

He could if he wanted to.

He?

Me?

Nice knowing you, ferg-face.

Great, I'll put o bucks on it.

Hey, any darling can do what any soaperstien can do...

And better.

Whoa, what's for dinner?

Marshall, what have you done?

Nothing.

Ferguson, we have to talk after dinner.

Marshall!

Well!

Ned was going on about that dumb jock kid of his.

Ooh, nerd junior?

And?

Ned said that he made the football team

And the funniest thing happened.

This better be a big laugh.

I bet him ferguson could play football, too.

Football?!

Ferguson?!

Dad! Me in mud and cleats and pain?!

You must be thinking of your other only son,

Your much bigger only son?

You're right.

I guess I just lost my head.

It's just that once ned pushes my competitive button,

I can be talked into anything.

Anything?

I lose restraint.

Before I know it, I'm agreeing to...

Well, you name it.

Gee, dad, it's awful

To think that somebody could

Just take advantage of you like this.

But let's consider a moment,

Football is a great way

To boost my popularity at school.

What popularity at school?

Although, for me to really give it my all,

Perhaps a bonus incentive program is worth exploring.

No, I think it would be easier

To call the whole thing off.

What kind of a bonus?

I hadn't really given it much thought.

Of course, there is always

The superspeak deluxe cellular phone.

So you can call for help

When the offensive line rips your lungs out?

You are not putting ferguson in danger.

You're right. It's wrong.

Unless, of course, he really wants to.

Put me in, coach.

I'll win one for the flipper.

That's gipper.

Take a picture.

You're witnessing

An historic darling family moment.

If you try to play football,

You're going to be history.

Only a confirmed anthony keidis sighting

Would get me up at this hour.

I should be here for my younger brother.

Besides, I could use a good laugh.

Is it four fingers over the laces

Or under the laces?

Hey, there he is.

You want to limber up?

I'm pacing myself.

Calisthenics might throw me off.

Yeah, you're right, big guy.

Want to go out for one?

Pizza?

Ferguson?

Ok, dad.

Go deep.

A little bit deeper.

Yeah, like in the next state.

It's in the air!

It's over the clothesline!

[Crash!]

It's in the window!

Sorry, ned. Uh...

Don't worry about it. Send me a bill.

I'm still going to win the bet, though.

How did I do, dad?

Not bad.

Next time, try it with your arms up to catch.

Can we get the ball back?

Well, you're almost there.

All you need is is speed, strength, and coordination.

How's the arm, dad?

Is it still sore from that pass?

It sort of feels good in a way.

It reminds me of my college football injury.

I remember every moment of that day

As though it were yesterday.

We're entering another dimension.

A dimension not only of sight and sound,

But of dad's mind.

Your next stop, the parental memory zone.

How the sun b*at down,

How the crowd cheered,

How that muddy field smelled like...

Mud.

Submitted for your approval...

One marshall darling,

A college hippie who painted peace signs

All over his vw van.

Why did he play the brutal sport of football?

It was his dad's idea.

He said, "play football, or we'll sell your van."

Everything was depending on me.

"Do or die" darling, they called me.

There was the count...

Dad.

Then the snap...

Dad!

We've all heard the story before.

You held the ball.

The kicker missed and broke your hand.

Then my dad sold the van.

I'm worried about ferguson getting injured.

You are a little slight.

Football players are bigger than the average person.

You might get hurt.

It's funny, though.

It was the small guy on our team

Who never got injured.

"Shrimpy" sherman tulipper.

He was crafty.

He even got recruited.

Recruited?

As in free cars,

Big apartments, and cute babes recruited?

He really hit the big time.

Dad, I think we've got a game plan here.

Ferguson darling,

America's smallest student football player.

Now, that's the spirit.

Imagine that.

Hasn't even had his first head injury

And already he's delirious.

I don't have to be a halfback or quarterback.

Football offers many career paths.

I can be a punter.

Or a football.

Maybe you should consider a sport

That uses brains instead of brawn.

Mom, do you see any athletic shoe companies

Handing out million dollar advances

For air-einstein?

I just want to run the numbers on this.

We're talking book deals, clothing,

Maybe even a tv series.

I'm worried he's putting

The cart before the horse.

Or the coffin before the hearse.

Ferguson's football fever

Is really starting to get to me.

Why couldn't he just join the bike club

Or the stamp appreciation society?

There are only two ways

He can make his mark on the field.

Number one, he makes his mark heroically.

Highly unlikely.

Number two...

He makes the kind of mark

Only a groundskeeper can appreciate.

Personally, I'd bet on it.

As much as it pains me,

I have to help him.

I am his only sister,

And if I don't help him,

Who will?

Hi, sam.

Hey, clarissa.

Like the latest edition to my wardrobe?

Cool!

I went last night, oth row.

Are we having a test I should know about?

I'm facing a test...

Against one of the most fearsome adversaries known.

What's ferguson done now?

He's trying out for the football team.

So how's "popular medical trauma" going to help?

I figure if I print out

Every possible football injury,

He'll revert back to his cowardly self.

What's a metacarpal?

I don't know.

Something that gets fractured.

Excuse me, kids.

Um, do you know some huge linebacker

That plays on the football team?

That would be wally butterman.

Whoever he is,

I hear he's gunning for ferguson.

He wants to stomp

America's smallest student football player.

Whoa! That guy is nuts!

Last year, before the championship, he shaved his head.

Kids did that even in my day to look tough.

Wally didn't just shave his head.

He ate the hair.

Oh.

Well, if you see ferguson,

Tell him I have to talk to him immediately, ok?

Ok, dad.

There's got to be something we can do.

He's pretty far gone

If he thinks he can make the football team.

He can't climb stairs without getting winded.

That's it!

What's it?

Ferguson is out of shape.

So we'll just use his shape against him.

Tryouts are in two days.

Until then...

We exercise him until he drops.

And then what?

Then he'll go to practice.

He'll pass out before the first pass.

Sounds exhausting.

Need an assistant coach?

Get some sleep.

Tomorrow's going to be ugly.

It's going to be brutal.

It's going to be...

Fun!

Time to kick off ferguson's training schedule

With a gentle wake up call.

[Blows whistle loudly]

Oh!

Oh! What?!

You!

You'll pay for this!

Ok, ferg-breath,

I just thought you could use

A little football practice

Before you become a grease spot on wally's uniform.

You're getting just like dad.

I'm not afraid of wally butterman.

Don't you remember the little guy on dad's team?

He was quick, crafty...

He was everything you're not.

I checked out dad's yearbook.

True, he was short, just foot ,

But he weighed pounds!

That's four of you standing side by side.

Dad never mentioned that.

Must have slipped his mind.

If you feel ready to play

With guys who've already had their growth spurt,

Pleasant dreams!

Sis, um...

I guess it couldn't hurt if...

You, uh, you know...

Helped.

What can I do?

I thought you'd never ask.

It was one glorious morning

That would forever shake the sporting world.

My little brother would never again

Be a pound weakling.

He was to become, that day, a jock.

Listen up, lightweight.

I want your full attention

For the final part of your training program.

We're going to screen some tapes.

Cool! Do you have shopping mall slasher iv?

Football tapes, you ding dong!

What do you have, sam?

My dad reviewed it--

Football's hardest hits.

I forget what your dad wrote.

He said it was the best football video

To not only reveal the savage brutality of the game,

But also the bloody aftermath.

I just better check.

Do have high blood pressure,

Heart condition or unexplained dizzy spells?

No.

Then we can watch.

First and o,

It's a hand-off to kowalski.

Here he comes!

Ooh and there he goes!

I never knew legs could bend in that direction.

Number has his arm up to pass.

Oh! That's one football

That'll have to be removed surgically!

And here's someone you won't forget...

"Shrimpy" sherman tulipper

In his first pro game.

That's the guy from dad's school!

Now, that was a career ending injury!

That's it!

Fame, fortune, football, forget it!

Hey, wait, it's not over!

But ferguson's football fever is.

Ok, now that I've scared ferg-wad witless,

It's time for a little consolation prize.

Here's the financial giant's trading card series.

Here's lee iacocca, donald Tr*mp and ross perot.

This will show ferg-face he can stay at home safely

And still be a greed-headed weasel.

Ok, ferguson,

I'll trade you three nelson rockefellers

For alice tully.

What are you doing in uniform?

I've got to go to football practice.

What?! You can't!

Think of work! Think of pain!

Think of wally butterman!

I am.

Look what I found taped to my locker.

Red hair, you are dead meat, w.

Did somebody write this with their foot?

Their fist.

Wally says he'll pound me at practice.

So don't go.

He says if I don't show up,

He'll pound me.

That bully. Don't worry, ferg-face.

I'll protect you.

We're talking about a guy who's six times your body weight!

Listen to me, ferguson.

Stay home for your own good.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

You're not a man yet, devil-boy.

Let me get this over with.

If I'm going to take a pounding,

I'll do it with a helmet.

You have a point.

Go ahead and do it.

If you can get past me.

[Sounds of a football game]

Great. The one move I teach him

And it has to work.

On me!

Operation save-the-ferg failed

And he made it to football practice after all.

Here are the instant replay highlights of the day.

Ferguson is really desperate.

He just added padding to his padding.

Too bad they don't make a uniform with an airbag.

Mom's getting ready to soothe ferguson

Through his sweet tooth.

Assuming, of course,

He's got any teeth left.

And dad's feeling extra guilty.

He designed ferguson's

Welcome home greeting.

For any occasion.

And me?

Well, I did what I could

To keep by brother in one piece.

I always thought I'd be the one to brain him.

Clarissa, any sign of him?

Nope, not yet.

I feel awful.

I went down to the field.

He wasn't there.

I don't know whether he's hurt

Or hiding someplace in disgrace.

What have I done to him?

Maybe we should call the hospital.

[Knock on door]

Do paramedics knock?

Ferguson! Hey, are you all right?!

All right. I'm so relieved.

Coach, is he really all right?

Of course I'm all right.

Your concern is gratifying,

But I'm fine, really.

Fine? Your uniform still has crease marks.

Did you even sit down?

I'll never forgive myself for pushing you to play.

Oh, then, you're to blame.

Sorry?

You should be!

Where did he get his ideas about football?!

He's not the first darling

To taste the fruits of gridiron glory.

I hope he's the last!

He got the team together

And told them they should have

Climate controlled buses,

Travel expenses for pep rallies

And a piece of the gate!

There is no gate!

Our football games are free!

When he asked for a semester supply of thirst fixer

And chocolate muscle bars

I had to cut him

For the good of the team.

I'll need that uniform back

First thing in the morning.

And don't chew on the mouthpiece!

Can you believe that?!

It's ok, ferguson. You tried.

And that's the important thing.

What happened with wally butterman?

As soon as he found out

I tried to get free food,

He became my best friend.

He asked me to a slasher movie.

Personal appearances, sitcoms,

Game shows,

Maybe even a ferguson doll!

All gone because a coach lacks that vision thing!

Well, at least ferguson's ok.

That'll help take some of the sting

Out of soaperstien's bragging.

He is going to be such a jerk.

It's your own fault, marshall.

Next time he calls, hang up.

Hmm?

I really should go over there,

Pay him off and get it over with.

I'll do it on a full stomach.

Good idea, dad.

Wait until after dinner.

More like after breakfast...

Tomorrow...

Maybe next week.

Poor dad.

I wish there was some way I could help.

It wasn't necessarily wrong to bet on ferguson.

He just bet the wrong way.

What do you want to watch?

Anything but football, please!

I'm with you.

I don't want to hear the word again.

Did somebody say football?

Where did you get that?

What?

The jacket.

Oh, you mean the official

High school football team jacket?

Easy. I made the team!

You're playing high school football?

No, but I'm taking the pictures.

I was at the drug store picking up prints

And ran into coach floyd.

He saw my action sh*ts of ferguson

And liked what he saw.

Of course.

Not you, bozo, the pictures.

He said if I can make you look good,

I can make anybody look terrific.

That's great!

Congratulations!

There hasn't been a darling in football

For o years!

My bet with soaperstien was

That no darling would ever make the team.

That means we won.

All right!

I hope this means you and ned

Will knock it off?

Oh, absolutely.

I'll just compete with the babblebrooks.

They're so much easier to b*at.

This is it. My prize winning photo op.

If the look on mr. Soaperstien's face isn't worth first prize,

I don't know what is.

After we collect,

We'll look at cordless phones.

Cordless! What about cellular?!

What about forgetting it?

Cordless is good.

Why bother?

All you'll hear is people hanging up.

I feel so athletic when I drink that stuff.

It tastes like lime flavored sweat!

Mail call.

All right.

Bill...

Bill...

Bill...

Catalog...

Ah, something for clarissa.

Totally cool!

What is it?

I won second prize inthe dispatch photography contest!

O bucks!

What photo did you submit?

Yeah, ned soaperstien with his jaw hanging?

Me, surrounded by my future admirers on main street?

No, but it is a photo of ferguson.

It won "the believe it or not" category."

I've heard of the orange bowl and super bowl,

But ferguson's the first darling

To make it to the cereal bowl!

Hey, give me that!

Come and get it.

[Football game sounds]