03x09 - Marshall's Mid-Life Crisis

[bunniefuu]

According to noted anthropologist margaret mead,

People in every society perform certain rites of passage,

Things that mark an important period

Or change in their lives.

For example, teen-agers have proms, sweet s,

And first kisses.

Does it stop there? I'm afraid not.

Grownups, too, fall prey to this universal phenomenon.

First, they become parents.

[Baby crying]

Then comes your child's first recital.

[Playingold macdonald had a farmoff-key]

And who can claim bona fide parenthood

Without this rite of passage?

Then there are the parental rites of passage

That come around the same time as farsightedness,

Thinning hair, and creaking when you bend.

Collectively,

They arethemodern parental rite of passage.

It's guaranteed to bum out everyone in its path.

It's the dreaded mid-life crisis.

I think my dad is having one.

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it ♪

O.k. It's dad's birthday next week,

Which explains why he's been so depressed lately.

You see the average male life expectancy these days

Is . Years,

And dad's about to crash-land right here,

Prime for a major mid-life crisis.

Dad's been acting bizarre lately,

Even by parental standards.

Here's a marshall darling mid-life crisis update.

If I were another person

Looking at myself and the course of my life,

I should be compelled to say it all must end unavailingly,

Be consumed in incessant doubt,

Creative only in self-torment.

Have you been reading

The diaries of franz kafka again?

Only when my spirits need lifting.

He's been taking an awful lot of long walks lately.

How was your walk, dear?

My walk was, you know, my walk,

A long walk.

I think I'll go for another walk.

And he spends hours just staring into space.

It's your turn, marshall.

Marshall?

Marshall!

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

He was probably trying to figure out

How to fit "melancholy" into the triple word score.

Hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

What's with your dad?

I said hi,

And he muttered something about a long walk.

He thinks if he walks enough,

His birthday won't catch up with him.

Grownups hate birthdays.

It's all the burning candles on the cake.

Last year, we ate more wax than frosting.

My dad turned , and he took it o.k.

He went bungee-jumping for his birthday.

To recapture his lost youth.

Majorly weird,

But there is one good thing

About parents' birthdays.

What's that?

The older they get, the older we get.

Next semester...

The term we've all been waiting for.

Driver's ed.driver's ed.

It's never too early to start cramming.

"When parking your car, your vehicle should be

Foot from the curb."

I've known that for years.

I'll finally be able to put that knowledge

To practical use.

Will your dad let you practice on his car?

I don't see why not.

My dad doesn't drive anymore.

He just walks and walks and walks

And walks...

En france, a midi, je mange toujours

Des grands magasins.

Ferguson, that sounds much better.

In france, in the afternoon,

I eat the department stores?

Sounds like big trouble.

It's tough learning a foreign language.

That's right, brie-breath.

How many morejours until your french final?

Jours?

Days, master linguist.

I knew that. I have a flair for languages.

Perhaps one day, I'll interpret

For the united nations.

Perhaps one day, housecoats will be a fashion statement.

[Sighs]

How was your day, dear?

My day was, you know, my day,

Another day.

There are so, so many days.

How's the project going?

Project? What project?

At waterman, baker, and kleinfeld, dear.

I wouldn't call redesigning corporate bathrooms

For an accounting firm a project.

After I won that award,

Bathroom jobs seem to be the only work I can get.

We did install some handsome commodes, though.

They flush automatically.

Neat!

It's a boring job,

But somebody's got to do it...

And it's always me.

There will be other projects.

There are my next projects--

A new interior for pizza palace,

Redesign socks-n-stuff at the mall.

Oh, how did it all come to this?

You used to love designing those things.

You're a wonderful architect.

You're great.

Mais oui.

I had dreams of designing great houses, palaces,

Like frank lloyd wright.

There's still time, marshall.

Years from now, I wanted people

To see houses I designed

And say, "that masterpiece, that's a marshall darling."

They will, dear.

Instead, some junior executive

Will leave a bathroom stall

And say, "nice fixture."

You have your whole life ahead of you.

If only that were true.

Life begins at .

Life is an onion,

Which one peels, crying.

Where are you going?

Upstairs.

Is he still reading those heavy philosophy books?

No, dear. Just quoting from them.

He's moved on to the biography of paul gauguin.

The hockey player?

You're equally well-versed in history.

Gauguin was a french painter.

Who gave up everything to move to tahiti to paint.

Isn't that romantic?

Let's not make a big deal

Of your father's birthday next week.

He's going through a sensitive time.

Are we having cake?

Sensitive, as always.

I found a great recipe for zucchini carob torte.

I want everything to be low-key

Until he's feeling better,

But what's a birthday without cake?

Zucchini carob torte?

Je pense que je vais vomir!

[Woman] la margarine est moins chere que la beurre.

Margarine is less expensive than butter.

La margarine esta mon cheri que le burro.

Tres bien, mon frere.

So how's the french scholar doing?

He'll ace this final.

He just said he likes margarine

Even less than donkeys.

O.k. Back to work.

I never realized the hardest part of driving

Would be picking the right key chain.

What do you think of this one?

Wally's world of waterbeds?

Totally uncool.

I'll use the one that comes with my uncle's car.

I wish my uncle would give me a car.

It's kind of a wreck--

A ' or ' with over , miles.

Wheels are wheels, sam.

Let's study a little more.

O.k. What's this?

A left turn.

Right turn.

How many car lengths should you leave

Between you and the car ahead of you?

Car length per miles.

This is a breeze.

I'm ready for honors driver's ed.

Want to come over tonight

And watch car races on the sports network?

Can't. It's the day we all hoped

Would fall off the calendar.

Right. Your dad's birthday.

Mom's making a dinner to celebrate.

He wants to celebrate?

I think he's finally accepted the inevitable.

I saw him smile this morning.

Maybe he's recaptured his lost youth.

Man, I hope not.

You know when you see this red porsche,

And you think it's luke perry with madonna?

Then you see it's some middle-aged, balding guy.

What a waste.

But, you know, sometimes that middle-aged guy

Has a teen-age daughter

Who'd look great in a porsche.

Maybe this mid-life crisis

Could work to my advantage.

What's for dinner?

Butternut squash... Au gratin.

Pardonnez-moi, s'il vous plait.

Pass le bain.

You said, "pass the bath."

No, I didn't. I said bread.

Le bain.bread.

I think you meantle pain.

Many people make that mistake.

I read that the only true way

To master a foreign language

Is to live among the natives.

Let's send ferguson to france.

French babes, great food,

A sister , miles away.

Say yes!

I can't tell you what this means to me

To have you all here tonight.

We're here every night.

It's great seeing you in a good mood.

Getting older isn't so bad.

You got to start treating yourself better--

Take up a new hobby, buy yourself presents...

A new car, for example.

I never thought that I would experience

The classic mid-life crisis.

You have been awfully hard on yourself lately.

Well, it's really quite common.

Paul gauguin gave up his career as a stockbroker

To move to tahiti to paint.

Now, that's crazy.

Way too radical.

It's better to take to the road

With the open highway streaking past you.

Sometimes getting away

Adds perspective to your life,

But tahiti is far away.

It's hardly the tropical paradise it was then.

Progress spoils the natural beauty of things.

Well, there's no point in b*ating around the bush.

I've decided to make a change in my life.

We're going to move.

Marshall!

Move? We're moving?

What do you see?

A speck?

A bread crumb?

Janet, clarissa, ferguson...

This is our new home.

We are moving to untouched, unspoiled

Mango island in the south pacific.

Mango island?mango island?

Yeah.

Moving to mango island?

I think I'm about to have a mid-teen crisis.

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

Uck! The tropics...

Where your hair frizzes, there's no cable,

And every beverage has a parasol floating in it.

Here's what I've learned about mango island.

[Clarissa] mango island!

Come along with us to this enchanting island paradise

And enjoy a friendly welcome from the entire population,

Plus a wide variety of native products--

Ashtrays made from coconuts,

Wall-hangings made from coconuts,

Those giant straw bags everybody buys on vacation,

And, of course... Mangoes!

Personally, I'm having a hard time

Getting into polynesian mode,

But then, not everyone feels the way I do.

Here's the moving to mango update.

Dad's certain this primitive rock

Will bring out the artist in him.

Mom wins the good sport of the universe award

For making us play along.

Mango island tourist bureau?

I have a question about crops grown there.

Do you have the brocoflower?

Good news, kids. They do.

Oh! Thank you.

And fergbrain is in a state of totalpanique.

The mangoese, a kind and gentle people,

Speak only french.

French!

Aah!

Mom says, "don't worry. We probably won't move,"

But mom said ferguson would mature.

Look how that turned out.

Hi, sam.

Bonjour, mon amie.

I've got something for you.

My dad got these sunscreens for free

At the peddleboat regatta.

All spf , I think.

Just the thing for your trip

To that sunny tropical paradise.

I'm not going. I'll chain myself to the bed.

Your mom said you weren't really going.

Dad's in a phase. We'll let it pass.

What's so hard about that?

By the time this phase passes,

We could be living in a hut.

It will never happen.

Pretend you're psyched

Until your dad forgets the whole thing.

I can't do this. Iwon'tdo this!

I will have absolutely nothing to do

With mango island.

How much longer do I have to do this?

Till it's soft.

Tree bark is an important staple

To the mangoese.

They use it for decoration, clothes, even food.

They eat bark?

It's a delicacy,

So I imagine only on special occasions.

They rely chiefly on--

Mangoes.mangoes.

How many more do I have to peel?

We have enough mango stew

And the mango salade nicoise.

Two more for mango pudding should do it.

Ferguson and I have been talking.

Are we really doing this?

Why can't dad have a normal mid-life crisis--

Join a rock band or something?

Your father needs to indulge this side of himself.

He's done a lot for you two,

So let's support him.

Though I'm willing to support

My family's decisions,

Maybe mango island's a bit extreme.

Why not long island?

I'm going to miss my home, my friends,

My community...

Driver's ed.

I'm sure we're not going,

So don't worry.

Sooner or later,

Your father will snap out of it.

Yeah, mom. You're probably right.

He'll definitely snap out of it.

[Low-pitched bellow]

Listen.

[Bellow]

Do you know what that is?

The ancient mangoese custom for welcoming the new day.

Every day?

At dawn.

We'll be fishing for food each morning.

I hate fish.

Ferguson.

I hate american fish.

I'm looking forward to sampling

Authentic mangoese fare.

Eating raw fish for breakfast, that's just the beginning.

Raw fish?

Just think...

A place with no stereos, no telephones, no bathrooms.

I'll never have to design a bathroom again.

This will be a wonderful adventure.

Wonderful?

Wonderful!

The real-estate broker is sending some people over

To look at the house.

Our house?

Janet, this is it.

There's no turning back.

We'll build our hut the first week we arrive,

And then we'll be free of this forever.

Civilization-- who needs it?

Why do I get the feeling that if we keep playing along

We're going to hit reality...hard?

The closet is a little small.

It won't accommodate janey's clothes.

Our janey's a clotheshorse.

We could always knock out the wall.

My wall?

The walls will have to be repainted anyways.

It's such a drab pink.

Drab? I like this color.

A nice peach or perhaps...

Mocha.

Mocha? She wants to paint my room

An ice-cream flavor.

It's really a great space.

Feel free to do whatever you like.

Within reason.

After all, we could come back, couldn't we?

My wife has a flair for decorating.

You won't recognize the place.

And, um, all this stuff will be put into storage?

Well, you can have it furnished or not.

Not.not.

Except for perhaps the cedar chest.

Once stripped and repainted,

Janey can store cardigans in it.

Sorry. It's, um, coming with us.

Hmm. Well, I suppose this will have to do

Until we can find something truly unique,

Like our old country house in greenwich.

Greenwich... I weep for greenwich.

We may just be forced to build.

We're dying to find something

Futuristic, yet cozy,

Imposing, yet inviting.

Like the guggenheim with fireplaces and bay windows.

Absolutely.exactly.

You know...

My father is an architect!

Really?

An innovative, futuristic architect.

Wasan architect, sport.

We're leaving for the south seas.

You could design their house.

He's won awards.

They're meaningless.

Want to see his work?

Well, why not?

His office is downstairs.

What do you say?

You might get ideas from my work.

He's so modest. More like inspirations.

Your work is incredible.

I wish I could persuade you to change your mind.

We'll call it "four winds,"

The home your father refuses to build.

We'll give you carte blanche.

Oh, I'm not refusing.

It's just that we're--

Did you say carte blanche?

I know. You're off on a journey.

Have you ever seen tropical mosquitoes?

Bigger than squirrels.

Build us our dream house!

We want to live in a darling.

A darling.

A darling?

Oh, I always dreamed...

No, I can't.

I'm afraid our plans are ironclad.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, mom.

Janet, these are the crepplehorns.

We love your home.

It's got so much... Potential.

Thank you.

We'd rather your husband design something for us,

But he won't take our offer.

An offer, marshall?

Oh, it's nothing.

Think it over, mr. Darling.

Bye.

Have you thought it over yet, dad?

There's nothing to think about, sport,

Except, of course, our great adventure--

A fantasy soon to become a reality.

A fantasy soon to become a reality?

Soon to become a nightmare.

Well... Time's ticking away.

Every day, we're one step closer

To adventure, excitement, huh?

Oh, um... Look what came today.

Are those the tickets?

Yeah.

Looks like they've been taking steroids.

It's not very easy to get to mango island.

We change planes six times.

Six times?

Then we have to take a ferry over from fiji.

We're five days on the ferry.

The almanac says this isn't the best time to go there--

Monsoon season.

Monsoon season?

And then, there's mount nambekavu.

Tell me there's a beautiful view.

No. It's a smoldering, erratic, active volcano.

That does it, marshall.

I played along with mango-mashing

And conch shell wake-up calls,

But I can't take any more.

I don't want to go.

What?

The crepplehorns want me to design their new house.

I have complete artistic freedom,

So I've decided to say yes.

Oh, marshall, I'm thrilled.

Somehow, I get the sense

You kids aren't disappointed.

Well, we'll adjust, dad.

We have great coping skills.

We'll cope like mature people.

We're flexible.

Flexibility is a good quality.

I was prepared to sacrifice

In the name of family harmony.

How lovely.

And so sincere.

Does this mean that the mid-life crisis is over?

I'm pretty sure it does,

But maybe this is a warm-up.

Maybe my mid-life crisis is years away.

Well, dad, if it does come back soon,

And we have to go through this again,

Do you think maybe we could go through it

In a red porsche?

If you get the convertible

With leather interior,

It's only $, more.

By the time I save up for my dream car,

I'll be having my own mid-life crisis.

If it isn't the french fry.

How's your new french tutor?

Did you get monsieur gillette?

Spittin' willie gillette?

Bring an umbrella and sit in the back.

Actually, I discovered failing french class

Isn't so bad when you have mademoiselle reynard.

You got reynard. She is hot!

Well, time to go study.

As they say, cherchez la femme.

I just had a frightening thought, sam.

What's that?

Ferguson years from now,

Suffering through his mid-life crisis,

Looking back on his youth

And trying to recapture it.

Ooh!ooh!

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na ♪