03x02 - Janet's Old Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na

- Time for a Pop quiz.

This stuff is, A, what kids today play with;

B, what my mom used to play with when she was a kid;

C, a waste of good plastic, or D, all of the above?

Seems that no matter what generation you belong to,

sooner or later, things come back.

It's called nostalgia.

Mr. Fudstein says nostalgia is the yearning

to experience people and things from one's past.

Look around. Nostalgia is everywhere.

♪

- The Love Beads.

The super group of the 's... is back.

That's right, all their hits available on one record

for the first time anywhere.

- ♪ Baby, baby, let's peace-march ♪

♪ Baby, baby, let's go

- ♪ Baby, baby, baby

- ♪ Right on rock!

- ♪ Hey, this is the day now

- ♪ Right on rock!

- ♪ Ah...

- ♪ Right on rock!

- ♪ Love, love, love, love ♪ Love your love, luv

♪ Love, love, love

Call now --THEYREOLD,

just pick up your phones and dial!

So remember, you're never completely safe.

Who knows what other horrible dated thing from the past

might come crawling into the present.

Sensitivity groups. [music zings]

Disco fever. [music zings]

Stone-washed denim. [music zings]

My mom's old boyfriend. [sad trombone]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- I think it was either Winston Churchill

or Drew Barrymore who said,

"Those who do not learn from the past

are doomed to repeat it."

Maybe that's why Mr. Fudstein's making us

write our autobiographies.

Where to begin?

Hmm...

"Call me Clarissa.

"I was a happy teenager doing the happy teenage thing,

but then came a major blast from the past..."

- Mmm, I'm looking forward to it too, Joey.

- Joey? - Guess what.

Joey Russo's coming to town for a few days

to promote his new book,

"Women Who Love Men Who Love Women Who Love Men."

- "The" Joey Russo? Coming here?

Joey, your hunky, dreamy, high school heartthrob Russo?

- Well, Sport, you know, high school was a long time ago.

- He'll be here for dinner on the th.

- Why?

- Well, your mother and Joey are old friends.

- Mom and Kathy Greenie are old friends.

Mom and Joey Russo are more than friends, they were--

- Oh, that's ancient history, Clarissa.

- Well, history repeats itself, you know.

- [chuckles]

[ladder bangs]

- Hi, Sam. [twangy guitar chord]

- Hi, Clarissa.

Okay, listen to this.

[dramatic music]

"Some called it touchdown, others a hole in one,

"but everyone agreed my parents hit a grand slam

that October morning I was born."

So how does it sound?

- Like ESPN.

What's with all the sports stuff?

- It's a hook. All great writers have hooks.

It was my dad's idea to spice up my autobiography

with catchy sports metaphors.

- Hmm, maybe I'll give it a try.

"Bottom of the ninth.

"Bases loaded.

"Two men out.

"Marshall Darling stepped up to the plate.

"But wait! He's being replaced by Joey Russo,

and nobody's cheering louder than Janet Darling."

- Hey, I thought you said finally meeting Joey Russo

could be fun.

- Organic chemistry could be fun, but it's not.

You should see the gushy look on Mom's face

every time his name is mentioned.

[romantic music] - "Joey, Joey, oh, Joey!"

- Maybe it comes from eating too many raw vegetables.

- Joey Russo is Mom's first love, Sam.

You never forget your first love. Never.

[romantic music]

- But soft, what light through yonder window breaks...

It is the east, and Janet is the Sun.

- Oh, Joey, Joey,

wherefore art thou, Joey?

[both sighs]

- Talk about a Shakespearean tragedy.

Janet and Joey were joined at the hip.

Both: ♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

- Gag me with a peace sign.

Joey's gonna march in here and sweep her off her feet.

♪

- Way to go, Janet, way to go!

[applause]

♪

- Way to go, Mom.

[upbeat accordion music]

♪

- I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to prepare

a real meal tonight.

- That's okay, Mom.

After all, a busy woman like you

can't be expected to do everything.

- And I'm sure the tofu wieners will keep

for another millennium at least.

- It's just that with Joey coming to town tomorrow night,

well, there's been so much to do.

- Mom's out of control.

- I know. Isn't it great? - Do you realize this means

she'll be serving those deep-fried chicken things,

you know, where you can't tell what part of the chicken

it comes from? - Yes!

- Kids, come on now, she hasn't even seen Joey

in years.

- years this May th,

unless, of course, you count his appearance

on the Sally Jessie Raphael show last August th.

- But who's counting? - I can't wait to meet him.

I've already told everybody at school.

- You have, son?

- How often do we have a real celebrity,

a man of true accomplishment grace our doorstep?

Well, not counting, of course, you, Dad.

- Now, Ferguson, your father's not a celebrity,

he's an architect.

- Well, I was featured as draftsperson of the month

in the Midwest Regional Architecture Newsletter.

They ran my photo.

- We were so proud of you, dear.

- Yeah, dad, and it's not like Joey's a real author

like Dickens or Mark Twain or even George Burns,

he writes psycho-babble self-help books.

- Now, Clarissa, Joey's helped thousands of people

improve their lives.

- I don't know.

It's interesting how somebody with no background in psychology

can influence so many readers.

- He offers good, sound advice, and that's why his book sells.

[laughs] I still can't believe

"I'm Okay, Aren't I?" sold two million copies.

- And his new book is doing even better.

- I can't wait to get his autograph.

♪

- What's wrong, Marshall? - It's your--

There's something different about...about your hair.

- Oh. I had it highlighted.

- What's wrong with the hair you've always had?

- I liked that hair.

- You look even more glamorous now, Mom.

- Oh, why, thank you, Ferguson.

- You know, tomorrow night may not be a good time

for Joey to come, I have to cram for a math test--

- I may have to work late

and there's the ice fishing semifinals, that's--

- And the Girl Scout troop is doing "No, No, Nanette,"

and, you know, you're always telling us to support--

- You're all just nervous, it's natural, Joey's famous.

But it'll be fine.

[upbeat music]

- Not.

♪

- Clarissa.

Have you seen that turquoise necklace your Aunt Mafalda

gave me last Christmas?

I thought I might wear it tomorrow night.

- I think Ferg-brat sent it to Aunt Mafalda

for her birthday.

- Oh, really? [laughs]

How's your autobiography coming?

- Still waiting for my muse.

I think she retired to Miami Beach.

- Well, maybe having a famous author in the house

will inspire you.

Oh, look!

Here are all the letters you wrote Wembley,

your imaginary friend.

- You know, maybe the past should stay where it is.

In the past.

I'll admit sometimes it's hard to look back.

- Then it's all settled.

Just call Joey Russo and tell him not to come.

He's your past.

- Clarissa, you're overreacting.

- Why did you and Joey Russo break up?

- I fell in love with your father,

and Joey ended up marrying... Penelope Fummagleneck.

- Well, now, there's a happy ending, is she coming with him?

- He didn't mention anything about that.

- Mom, Dad can't compete with Joey Russo,

he's not famous, he's not rich, and he's not...

your first love.

- Joey is an old, dear friend who's coming for dinner,

that's all. - That's all?

- Your imagination is running wild, dear.

[gasps] Maybe you can use it productively in your writing.

- [sighs] Maybe Mom's right.

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly,

and imaginations gotta run.

What if dad becomes Mom's past

and Joey becomes her future?

- Proceed.

- Now, Mrs. Darling, for the record--

- Mrs. Darling? I'm your mom.

- Do you deny knowing Joey Russo?

- No, of course I know him.

- Did you love him? Do you love him?

His books, the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles?

- Objection! Badgering the witness.

- Stop it, Ferg-head!

[banging] - Overruled.

- Thanks, Sam.

- Don't mention it, bud.

- Remember, you're under oath.

- You're a heck of a lawyer, Sport.

- Thanks, you're a heck of a dad, Dad.

- But Joey's so cute, and he was my first love.

[banging] - Divorce granted.

- Sam! - Just doing my job.

- That does it, new rule.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

- Yes, yes, my book is going to be very big

in self-help circles.

Huge.

Based largely, of course, on my own experience.

It's called "Smart Brothers, Dumb Sisters."

I'd like to ask you a few--hello?

Hello. Hello?

- Ah, last time your mom made canapés...

I can't remember the last time.

- Did you know that the smart brother, dumb sister syndrome

is most prevalent in middle-income homes

where the brother is younger?

Fascinating.

- What does your research tell you about

the smart sister, dead brother syndrome?

- Whoa. Fresh flowers, huh?

[inhales] Boy, how fresh.

Boy, your mom has sure gone to a lot of trouble.

- Mom loves fresh flowers.

- Yeah, well, sometimes you can go

too out of your way for a guest.

- Has anyone seen Joey's book?

- Ah...down here, Mom.

[sweeping orchestral music]

- Oh, wow!

- Janet, you look beautiful.

- Oh, thank you, Marshall.

- That's not Aunt Mafalda's necklace.

- Oh, these are just my puka beads.

- Oh, yeah, we used to call them love beads.

I gave 'em to your mother after

a Strawberry Alarm Clock concert.

- [chuckles]

- ♪ Incense, peppermint, the color of time ♪

- Actually, I lost those when we went camping.

Joey gave me these.

He'll get a kick out of seeing them again.

- I'm sure he will.

[doorbell rings] - I'll get it!

♪

- Janey. - Oh, Joey!

- Author! Author!

- For you. That's Clarissa?

You're even prettier than your mom said.

- And I'm Ferguson, I hope to one day

follow in your literary footsteps.

- Literary? You mean monetary.

- So, how are you doing, Marshmallow?

- Whoa! Hey, I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Canapé? - Why, thanks!

[cell phone rings]

First let me take this call.

- Oh.

- Talk to me.

[whispers] It's my agent. - Oh.

- Fabulous! Fabulous.

Yeah, they just booked me on "Good Morning Oslo."

Big book town. - Fantastic.

Do you do cappuccino?

So tell me, do I need an agent first, or a publisher?

What's the average book advance?

Who's more personable, Geraldo or Phil?

- I love this kid.

- That Joey hasn't changed a bit.

Still the high school heartthrob. [chuckles]

[sad trombone]

- Whoever said "Mi casa es su casa"

didn't have Joey Russo in their "casa."

[upbeat music]

♪

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na-na

[upbeat music]

♪

- We interrupt this table-clearing to bring you

a special post-dinner party Joey Russo update.

[news show music] Joey's been here

only two hours and the very fabric of the Darling family

is coming apart at the seams.

Dad's been indiscriminately eating anything

that's not toxic.

A sure sign that he's jealous,

worried, or a host to a giant tapeworm.

Ferg-brain, giving new meaning to the words "kissing up"

had Joey Russo autograph all of his books

and every other book he could get his paws on.

And Mom's been giggling and nodding her head

like one of those bobbing dogs in the back of a Chevy.

♪

I have met the enemy,

and his name is Joey Russo.

- Mm. Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

You know, this book idea of yours

could really take off, Ferguson. - I'm hoping for an initial

printing of , copies, hardcover,

then there's the paperback rights

and a possible movie deal.

- [gasps] You're a true inspiration, Joey.

- Just cut me in on the royalties.

[laughing]

Only kidding.

You know, Ferguson, I understand that you're not

the only writer in the house.

- Oh, so Janet told you about my tub and tile piece

that I did for The Pennysaver.

They're talking column.

- An article on bathtubs.

Pretty draining. [laughter]

No, no, Clarissa, your mother told me

that you're writing your autobiography.

Very ambitious.

- Not really, I haven't gotten past the title page.

- "Memoirs of a Geekmeister." Catchy, huh?

- Well, you know, writer's block is a very powerful force,

but there are things you can do to overcome it,

little tricks, I could help you.

- Yeah, maybe he could self-help her.

- Really? But...you're so busy.

- Ah, never too busy for Janet's daughter.

You know, Janey, she reminds me of you.

That spark, that spunk, that sense of style and...

and of course, her unparalleled beauty.

both: Oh!

- Help from a published author. Hey, why not?

- Hemingway, Faulkner, Jackie Collins,

now those are real writers.

- Now, Clarissa, Joey has quite a busy schedule,

and we don't wanna monopolize his time--

- Doing her homework.

So when can you speak to my class?

- We'll fit it in; don't you worry.

- Um...Joey.

How exactly did you make the transition from...

automotive sales, to writing?

- Well, it wasn't easy, but, you know, I always knew

I had something vital to share with the world.

And after my divorce-- - Divorce?

- Oh, didn't I tell you, dear? - No.

- It was inevitable. I married the wrong woman.

- Everyone makes mistakes.

What's important is that you're happy.

- That's right, Sport. - Couldn't be happier.

- And we couldn't be happier for you.

- I'd like to take you to lunch tomorrow.

Both of you. - What? Oh.

Tomorrow, gee, see, I've got a meeting

with the urban planning-- - Too bad. Janet?

- My calendar's clear.

- Hey, listen, I can clear my calendar--

- No problem, Marshmallow! - Ha!

- I'll take care of Janey, now, if you'll excuse us,

Clarissa and I have our work cut out for us.

Let's get cracking on that autobiography.

Okay with you, Sport? - Sport?

- Did he just call me...Sport?

[upbeat music]

[ladder bangs]

- Hi, Sam. [twangy guitar chord]

- I'm on a roll.

- What happened to your writer's block?

- Blocked writers who idly sit around

waiting for inspiration are forever condemned

to stagnation and self-contempt.

- Whoa. I am in trouble.

I removed all the sport metaphors from my autobiography

and now there's something lacking.

- What? - My autobiography.

- You're just being hard on yourself.

Read me what you have.

- "I am born."

- And?

- I'm born. I'm born and that's it.

I can't seem to make it interesting

without the sports stuff.

I'm boring, I've led a boring life,

I'll always be boring.

- I don't think you're boring. - You're my bud!

Mr. Fudstein will fall asleep reading this.

- You're not boring. - Oh, no?

What's the last exciting thing I did? Or said?

Name an exciting vacation I've been on.

Name any vacation I've been on.

- You know what you need? - Someone else's life.

Someone interesting, exciting, vital.

- Joey. - He'd give me his life?

- Joey Russo may be creepy, but he gives great advice.

Write from the heart, be who you are,

stop when you're done.

It's working out great.

- Are you actually doing a on Joey?

- I haven't exactly -ed, but I've just sort of -ed.

When life hands you a lemon, squeeze it.

- This is the poem that got me into the poetry society

in college.

[clears throat]

"The goal does not know what the shore hides beneath.

"And yet this is so.

"Why? Why?

Oh, why?"

[chuckles] I don't know,

poetry just scratches the surface.

What I was really known for were my scathing editorials

in the college paper.

"And in conclusion,

"I believe that longer hair

has made me a better human being."

[sighs]

I guess I missed my true calling, huh?

[door opening]

- Many are called, but few are chosen.

Everybody envies a best-selling writer's life.

- You signed over books and no writer's cramp. Wow.

- That comes with the territory.

You write a best-seller, you gotta autograph it.

- It was great, Dad, and I picked up a few pointers too,

on how to deal with the public.

How to smile, how to shake hands,

how to act humble while feeling superior.

- How to start running when they start

flinging rotten vegetables at you.

- It was fascinating, Marshall. You must be exhausted.

Thanks for dinner. - Dinner?

- He orders in French, Dad! - Really?

- Only in French restaurants. [speaks French]

[speaks French] to you, too.

- And the night is young, I promised Clarissa

that I would work on her autobiography.

- Here it is. I did just what you said.

I wrote from the heart, I was who I am,

I stopped when I was done.

- Well. It's all here, places, events...

the people who've influenced you.

- Ah, I didn't know you could spell Cruella De Vil.

- And yet...it's not there. - Where?

- Let me give you an example from my first best-seller.

In, "I'm Okay, Aren't I?" I wrote of a woman

who overcame her fear of heights with a solo expedition

to Mt. McKinley, that had heart, that had determination,

that bought me a villa in the Costa del Sol.

- [laughs] - I don't think

this is gonna get me a villa, it's just

my homework for Mr. Fudstein.

- You never know.

No one's life is interesting until you jazz it up a bit.

Go for broke, who cares if you've never hang-glided,

who's to know?

The woman in my book hasn't climbed a flight of stairs.

- Is that legal?

- Sure, it's called poetic license.

We just closed a deal to do the mini-series,

I'm executive producing. - [laughs]

- When you said, "Let it flow" I thought you meant the truth,

not the sleaze.

- I thought so too,

until I got that first six-figure check. [laughs]

Now, I wanna help Ferguson with the marketing strategy

for his book; run this through your computer.

I'll look at it tomorrow. Let's go.

- Well, Joey's so committed. - Mm-hmm.

- And so generous with his time.

both: When does he leave?

- He leaves tomorrow and...

I can't wait.

I know Joey and I go back a long way

and I wish him all the best, but he's driving me crazy.

- Really? - He's so taken with his success

and frankly, I find him boring.

- Well, I guess sometimes you can judge a book by its cover.

- I expected so much more from Joey Russo.

- Well, you know what they say, don't look back because the past

is never the way you remembered it.

- Now all I need is someone to explain that to Mr. Fudstein.

- I'm not mad that you sent a limo,

I'm mad that you didn't send a stretch limo.

Got a couple hours before my flight.

Dallas. Big book town.

- Well, you don't wanna be late.

- You know, I'm glad we're alone,

there's something I wanted to ask you.

- Oh, Joey, it's been such a long time.

- I know. I know you feel, I know how I feel.

- Please, don't.

- You know, I'm putting together research for my next book

and I wanted to use you for one of my subjects.

- Use me! You wanted to use me.

[sighs] What's, uh, this book about?

- It's called "The Women Who Still Love The Men

Who Used To Love Them."

- Oh, Joey, you never cease to amaze me.

- Don't pine over me, Janey.

- Joey, I wouldn't worry about that. [laughs]

- Ooh! Glad I caught you, folks.

Now you get a chance to fill these out

and be part of my next book.

- "Spouses of Women Who Still Love the Men

Who Used To Love Them"?

- "Children of the Women Who Still Love

The Men Who Used To Love Them."

- Of course I'll be mentioned in the index

and if it doesn't conflict with my school schedule,

I could be persuaded to go on tour with you.

- Any plans to promote it in, say, Greenland?

- Who knows? Greenland's a big book country.

- Well, we'll make sure to mail 'em to ya.

- First class, promise. - Have a safe flight.

- And don't forget to write. Get it? [laughs]

[all exhale]

- The big phony; took the rest of you a little while

to catch on, but I saw right through that author act

the minute he walked in the door.

- Of course you did.

They say it's easier for lower life forms

to recognize their own species.

- You know, seeing Joey brought back lots of memories.

- It did. - Mm-hmm.

Made me remember why I married you.

- Oh, Janet. - Oh, Marshall.

- Oh, gross.

Major mush alert. I'm outta here.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

[thunder booming]