02x12 - The Great Debate

[bunniefuu]

I'm not sure but I think it

was the ancient philosopher

Confucius who first said there

are two sides to everything.

For every yin, there's a yang.

For every up, there's a down.

For each innie, there's an

outie, because whatever

side you're on...

There's always

the other side.

Personally, I like living

in a two-sided world.

It means you always get

a choice.

I prefer a one-sided world.

Everything is so much

simpler that way.

But let's face it.

The world would be totally

boring if there weren't

two sides to everything.

Why complicate things?

I think it's obvious that two

sides are one side too many.

Oh, yeah?

I think it's cool that for every

little voice saying, "Do your

"homework, be nice to your

brother, clean your room,"

there's another little

voice saying...

Blow it off.

I'm outta here.

See what I mean?

It all starts with our genes.

We get half from our mom's,

half from our dad's.

So when Mom and Dad start

taking opposite sides,

guess who winds up getting

turned inside out?

♪♪

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪♪

You've heard of pros

and cons, and I don't mean

professionals and convicts.

Pros and cons are just the

debate team's way of saying

"for" and "against."

I know because

Mr. Futzstein's

making us practice debate.

Personally, I'm feeling both

pro and con about it.

Pro because Mr. Futzstein's

the coolest.

And con because I can't decide

what to debate about.

Of course, there are lots of

debatable issues to choose from.

Like butterfly barrettes.

The pro side is they keep

the hair out of your eyes.

The con side is they make it

look like a giant plastic insect

just landed on your head.

Or take a more classic two-sided

issue, like eating peas.

The pro side is, if you eat your

peas, you'll grow up to be big

and strong.

The con side is, you've got to

eat all those peas.

Then there's the kind of issue

where both sides are downsides,

like the existence of my

creepazoid brother, Ferg-breath.

The pro side is... zippo.

While the con side is

too long to be considered.

With all these hot controversies

floating around, you'd think

it'd be easy to choose a debate.

Hey, Dad.

Clarissa, hi.

Uh, I didn't think you were

back from school yet.

What's that?

Well...

All right.

Um, Sport...

Can you keep a secret?

I can't keep it

if you don't tell it.

Yeah, right, okay.

(sighing)

Take a look at my

new design...

for the quick and jiffy

all-in-one mini mall.

Cool!

Yeah.

It's the sort of project

I've always wanted to do.

You've always wanted to

build a mall?

No, I've always hated malls

and that's why this one's

gonna be so special.

And if it catches on, the quick

and jiffy all-in-one mini mall

could become a nationwide chain.

So you could be the guy who

designs the golden arches

of the 's.

Yeah, something like that.

Anyway, I want to surprise your

mom with the good news tonight,

so not a word to anyone.

Dad, your secret's safe

with me.

♪♪

Hi, Dad.

Hey.

By the way, have you seen

the family dog?

Ferguson, we don't--

we don't have a dog.

Hmm.

Good point.

You know, that's why I think

we should have a dog.

I mean, consider all

the things a dog can offer.

Loyalty, warmth,

vital protection.

Kind of like the little

brother I never had.

Yeah, well, Ferguson, if you

want a dog, we're gonna have to

discuss it, but I have to go,

I have a meeting.

So I guess a dog is the only

way for you to get

a best friend.

Hmm, that's real funny.

Just wait 'til I teach him

the command "sic 'em."

Remember, Sport.

Not a word.

A word about what?

It's a secret.

Just remember, Sis, by week's

end, I'll have a mongrel so

bloodthirsty, he'll rip all

your secrets out of you.

If I ever need proof that

there are two sides to

everything, I can just show my

two-faced little brother.

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪♪

Mom, can I talk to you about

a matter of crucial importance,

not just to me, but to our

entire family?

Of course, Ferguson,

what is it?

Well, Dad said that I could

have a dog if it was

okay with you.

That's not quite how

he put it.

We've been over this

a million times, Ferguson.

But I'll take great

care of a dog.

Allow me, Mom.

Ferg-face, you've never properly

cared for a pet in your life.

Untrue, numb-wad.

Oh, yeah?

What happened to your goldfish?

Junior d*ed of

natural causes.

If you can call forgetting

to feed him for a week natural.

And your turtle?

Ferguson also d*ed of

natural causes.

You never put air holes

in his terrarium.

And what about those sea monkeys

you ordered from the back of

"Richie Rich"?

Ferguson .

Sea monkeys have a very

short life expectancy.

Especially when you let

all their water evaporate.

Mom, giving Ferguson a dog

would be cruelty to animals.

Both of them.

Gee, Mom, I think caring for

a dog would prepare me for

the obligations of manhood.

You've got to admit,

Ferguson, a dog is a big

responsibility.

Come on, Mom, this is me

you're talking about.

Me, the guy who arranges your

spice racks, flosses voluntarily

and always saves receipts.

I'll do whatever it takes.

You'll feed the dog?

Every day.

Wash the dog?

Every week.

Walk the dog?

Walk the dog?

I'd love to have a dog to walk.

Well, it wouldn't hurt for

you to have a trial period.

So does that mean yes?

Hello, Betty?

It's Janet.

Remember you said you needed

your dog walked when you

and Mike went on vacation?

I found a volunteer.

Betty?

Betty Blufinkel.

The Blufinkel dog.

The neighborhood hound

from hell.

Choppers, the Rottweiler.

He'll swallow you up in one

disgusting slobber.

Ferguson will start this

afternoon, I'll send him

right over.

Oh, you're welcome.

Bye.

Oh...

Oh.

Mom, I changed my mind, I want

a fluffy little kitty cat,

we can name him Whiskers.

The Blufinkel dog is

a perfectly nice animal, hmm?

Yeah, if you call a

slobbering drool factory nice.

Hey, Mom, what's with

the posters?

"Save the gingko"?

Who's the gingko?

The gingko is a tree,

Clarissa, and the forest outside

the museum grows the only

gingkos in this area.

I'll have to check 'em out.

You may not be able to.

Today they announced they're

gonna chop those woods down to

make room for a mall.

A mall?

Mm-hmm, just what we need,

another mall, huh?

Would it by any chance

be a...

quick and jiffy all-in-one

mini mall?

You've already

heard about this?

I heard it's gonna be

a really well-designed mall.

Clarissa, those mini malls

never have any sense of

design or individuality.

They're like an ugly growth

moving in on our homes,

destroying everything in

their path.

It's us or them.

Great to see you taking

a stand, Mom.

I'm joining a protest at

the site on Friday,

I can't wait to tell your dad.

Really?

He hates those poorly

designed malls.

He's always said that.

I'm sure he'll want to

get involved.

♪♪

Somehow, I have the feeling

you're right.

♪♪

Okay, here's a truly

debatable point.

Do I tell my parents they're

on a one-way road to

total collision?

Once they find out they

disagree about a major issue,

history proves that things

could get ugly.

Like remember what happened

when Columbus went up against

the Flat Earth Society?

♪♪

It is round.

It is flat.

It's round.

It's flat.

And remember the famous

ice cream wars?

Chocolate is better.

No, no, vanilla is

far superior.

Chocolate is better!

Don't be an idiot!

I won't!

Plus, there's

the never-ending argument of

boys against girls.

Boys are better than girls.

Girls are smarter than boys.

No, boys!

Yes, they are!

Boys!

Just think, the great

mini mall debate could have

equally disastrous results.

I better figure out a way to

keep my parents apart until

this whole thing blows over.

Hi, Sam.

♪♪

Hey, take a look at this.

(dog barking)

What is it?

The Blufinkel dog is dragging

a kid through the street.

Hey, that's Ferguson!

Whoa, his khakis are really

getting shredded.

Okay, what should we

debate for Mr. Futzstein?

I say we go with pizza.

Thin crust or double deep dish?

Now, that's controversial.

Don't talk to me

about debating.

Besides, pizza crust doesn't

quite have the global

ramifications I had in mind.

What's wrong?

I'm getting all the

controversy I want at home.

My dad's building a mini mall.

Cool.

My mom's protesting it.

Uncool.

Well, Mr. Futzstein said we

should stick with what we know.

Why not debate mini malls?

I don't know.

It's perfect.

A topic that hits close to home.

Too close to home.

What am I gonna do about

my parents?

You need what my dad calls a

double-end-around-reverse blitz.

What's that?

It's a football play where

you divide the other team's

linemen behind the line of

scrimmage and then rush in on

both sides before

the ball is snapped.

Could you put that in

laymen's terms?

Butt in.

I was afraid you'd say that.

♪♪

Now, all right, Clarissa,

don't say a thing.

I want to unveil my new

mini mall right before dinner.

Dad, maybe you should wait

a little while longer.

Like until construction's

finished?

Well, don't be silly, Sport,

I want your mom to be at the big

groundbreaking ceremony.

I'm sure she will be.

Yeah.

♪♪

Look at my penny loafers!

That beast dragged me through

the street, covered my khakis

with fur and then drooled all

over my brand-new shoes.

Ferguson's walking

the Blufinkel dog.

Oh, Choppers, the Rottweiler?

Oh, Ferguson, if you can't

control that dog, maybe you

should stop walking him.

No way, Dad.

I negotiated a hefty fee

with bonuses.

That dog is a goldmine.

Why are they paying him

so much?

No one else will walk him.

Huh.

Well, now we know why.

Hi, everyone, I'm running

a little late, so I hope you

don't mind that I picked up

some fast food.

Fast food?

Yes!

Lucky for me, Tofu to Go

was still open.

Gee, tofu.

What a treat.

Um, Janet, I've got

something to tell you.

I've got something to

tell you, too, Marshall.

You go first.

No, you go ahead.

Oh, okay, all right.

Well, today, I found out--

Wait, I've got something

important to say.

Clarissa, your dad was in the

middle of telling me something.

But you're never gonna

believe what happened to

me today.

My locker jammed right before

fifth period.

That's too bad, dear.

Now, Marshall, what were

you about to say?

Today I--

I thought I'd never get

my books out until

Angela Prunewhistle wedged

the door open with her teeth.

Clarissa, what's

gotten into you?

I still haven't figure out

how she did it.

Well, like I was trying

to say, today I--

Amazing or what?

I--

Janet, why don't you go first?

Okay.

You know how we used to care

about so many causes but now we

don't do anything about

them anymore?

Well, I'm getting involved in

something important.

Janet, that's great.

Okay, okay, my turn.

Now, you know that design

problem that has plagued me

since architectural school?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm finally getting

the chance to solve it.

Oh, how wonderful.

Right, okay.

Here it is.

Oh...

Yeah, it's my design for the

new quick and jiffy

all-in-one mini mall.

You know, if we've got to have

shopping malls, isn't it time we

designed something that isn't

really annoying?

We break ground this Friday.

Hey, isn't this the mini mall

they're putting up over by

the gingko trees?

Not over by the gingko trees.

On top of the gingko trees.

The gingko trees?

♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪♪

♪♪

Time for a late-breaking

Clarissa Darling news update.

In the headlines this week,

"Darlings On The March."

Construction on Dad's mini mall

starts Friday.

Mom's protest group will be

there to stop it.

Now for the details.

Hostilities have been escalating

as Mom and Dad continue to

fight for opposing forces,

and now, both sides refuse to

recognize one another.

Locked in, unwilling to bend,

trapped together on a collision

course with destiny.

On the lighter side,

a small redhead has bonded

with a loveable pooch.

Ferguson and Choppers.

Looks like this dog

is getting his day.

And that's the Darling

world of news.

My only editorial comment:

bummer.

Hi, Sam.

♪♪

Hey.

What's going on?

What's the difference

between a fight and a debate?

Well, when you're fighting

with someone, you're really mad

at each other, and when you're

debating, you can still go out

for pizza afterwards.

Just as I thought.

Mom and Dad are really fighting.

Hey, look, we don't

agree on everything.

That's not true,

we almost always agree.

See what I mean?

Funny.

I can't take this anymore.

Everything around here

is just so tense.

When your parents fight,

do they say they're fighting?

Why?

Take it from me.

You've got to listen carefully

to parental lingo.

Like if they're fighting

and they say they're fighting,

you're cool.

But if they're fighting and they

say they're having a discussion,

look out.

Oh, that's nothing.

The worst is when they start

referring to each other as

"your mother" and "your father."

Yeah.

My mom ran off to join

the roller derby when they

got to that stage.

But don't worry, I don't think

your mom's

the roller derby type.

But what if they never

stop fighting?

What if the Darling house

becomes a house divided?

What if the tension between them

just builds and builds

and builds until both

their heads explode?

Don't you think you're

overreacting?

Hey, Sam.

Hi.

Sport, you didn't take

the aspirin, did you?

No.

Hmm.

It's all this tension from this

mini mall thing is giving me

a wicked headache.

It feels like my head's

going to explode.

♪♪

Uh, Dad, don't you think

it's time you and Mom

stopped fighting?

Oh, we're not fighting,

Sport.

Your mom and I, we're having

a discussion.

♪♪

Clarissa, have you seen

the aspirin?

Oh, never mind,

I'll check downstairs.

Well, I better go finish my

speech for the groundbreaking

ceremonies.

Oh...

Whoa.

Maybe you're not overreacting.

Maybe you should talk to

your parents.

You're right.

I've got to get one of them

to change their minds.

♪♪

Okay, trying to get your mom

to change her mind,

mission impossible?

Well, let's just say mission

highly unlikely.

But what else can I do?

You're about to see my

three basic debate tactics

for parental persuasion.

Mom?

Yes, dear?

I need to talk to you.

Of course, honey.

All this stuff about

save the gingkos?

Come on.

If there's a whole forest of

gingko trees, how endangered

can they be?

Clarissa, there are exactly

, in North America

and now they want to chop down

five acres of them.

Ooh.

Well, I see your point.

Maybe you're right.

But, Mom, what will

the neighbors think?

I've heard them talking.

Clarissa, the gingkos are

their trees, too, and you can't

go around worrying what

everyone thinks of you.

Ooh, good point.

But you know, Mom...

Since you've taken up this

mini mall crusade,

I've dropped out of school,

gotten my nose pierced

and met a totally rad

new boyfriend.

Clarissa, it's not working,

you're not gonna talk me out of

this protest.

You're right, Mom.

I don't really want to.

The environment is much more

important than any mall.

But what if you and Dad

never stop fighting?

Your father and I are

not fighting.

We're having a discussion.

That's what I was afraid of.

♪♪

Okay, plan "B."

Dad, different target,

different rules.

All you need is

a simple single tactic.

Flattery gets you everywhere.

Well, at least I hope so.

♪♪

Hi, Dad.

Hey there, Sport.

You look great today, Dad.

Oh, thanks, Clarissa.

You know, Dad,

an understanding person like you

can probably see Mom's point

about this whole

mini mall thing.

There isn't any way you'd

give it up, is there?

Give it up?

You know, make Mom happy,

restore family unity

and save the environment,

all in one bold move.

Uh, look, Clarissa,

I understand it's hard when your

parents disagree, but, you know,

there's just some things you

have to live with.

You do?

Your mom is standing up for

what she believes in and I am

finally getting the chance to

build a whole block of funky

yet functional

interconnected structures.

It does look pretty cool.

Yeah.

It's an architect's dream.

Well, I'd better get back

to the old drawing board.

Me too.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪

Okay, I've bonded with

both my parents, but their feet

are still stuck in cement.

Tomorrow, Dad digs that first

ceremonial shovel towards

building the mall of his dreams

and Mom will stand up for

the rights of the environment

and gingko trees everywhere.

Hi, Sam.

♪♪

Hey.

So what happened?

Well, on the one hand,

a cool-looking mini mall with

really great stores could

add a lot to this area.

So your mom buckled?

On the other hand, the gingko

trees are an important resource

and much more attractive

than any mini mall.

Oh, so your dad buckled.

Actually, I'm the one

who buckled.

I guess I can't solve

my parents' problems.

They do both have their

point of view.

♪♪

Don't you knock, dog-breath?

I'm calling it now.

If Mom and Dad split up, I get

full custody of the good TV.

Mom and Dad aren't

splitting up.

Just covering my bases.

Slug lips.

Ooh.

Are things really that bad?

It's not the fighting I mind,

it's the tension.

I just wish they could walk

a mile in each other's shoes.

♪♪

Wait, that's an idea.

You're going to exchange

their shoes?

Something like that.

♪♪

♪♪

Um, Sport,

is my tie on straight?

Looking good, Dad.

Yeah?

I'm a little nervous about this

speech I've got to make at

the groundbreaking.

Well, you can't go wrong

in a suit with a shovel.

Yeah, it's sort of

a classic combination.

Clarissa, I'm off to

the protest.

Now, if I get arrested, I want

you to call these numbers.

Mom, you're not gonna

get arrested.

We're counting on it.

Well, better be going.

Me too.

Mom, Dad, wait.

What is it, Clarissa?

Um...

I need help with my

school project.

Oh, gee, Sport, I'm afraid

it's gonna have to wait.

It's for Mr. Futzstein's

debate assignment.

You know, debating is the last

civilized form of

strongly disagreeing.

Clarissa, your mother and I

have discussed this civilly.

Yes, I already know how

your father feels.

And I already know how

your mother feels.

It'll just take a second.

All you have to do is start

with the first affirmative.

What's that?

In this case, debate-speak.

For why mini malls are cool

in words or less.

Mom, you start.

But I don't think

mini malls are cool.

Mr. Futzstein

says you've got to

know your opponent's viewpoint

before destroying it.

Ready, Mom?

Clarissa, I really don't

think we have time for this.

Your father's right,

we'd better go.

Please!

Oh.

All right, Clarissa.

I think we should have

mini malls because...

... they don't have to be

the ugliest things in

the world, I guess.

And they don't have to

destroy our land, I suppose.

And some people find them

vaguely convenient, I'd imagine.

Okay.

Dad, why should we save

the gingkos in words or less?

Yeah.

I think we ought to save

the gingkos because...

... Janet thinks we should.

Dad, you can do

better than that.

All right, okay.

Um...

I guess sitting in the shade of

a gingko beats...

a root canal.

And I guess

it's better than sitting

under a quick and jiffy

all-aluminum umbrella.

You know, in Mr. Futzstein's

class, we get extra credit

for coming up with

a compromise solution.

Well, Marshall,

you remember your

design for the student

activities center way back when

you still cared about

the environment?

No.

You remember that,

it had that big,

beautiful atrium inside.

Oh, right.

Oh, right, my atrium.

Yeah, I never got to build that.

You could now.

Oh, I like it.

I like it.

A quick and jiffy all-in-one

mini mall with

connective atrium.

A home for the gingko tree

preserve.

Well, it's worth a sh*t.

I love a good atrium.

Isn't it wonderful when

parents help themselves?

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪

Hey, Sport.

How'd your debate go?

Sam and I did really well on

the mini mall controversy,

but then we had to spot-debate

the Thorndyke twins

on strip mining.

Strip mining?

Now, there's an

ecological disaster.

Those two are really

persuasive.

They managed to convince the

class that we should strip-mine

Yellowstone National Park.

I guess the winning side

isn't always the right side.

That's just what

Mr. Futzstein said.

Well, let's just hope that

the zoning board is on

the right side.

The gingko atrium

all-in-one mini mall.

I think the developers and

the committee to save the gingko

are working on

a groundbreaking plan.

(dog barking)

What's that?

That's just Ferguson

out back working.

Ferguson?

Work?

Those two words don't belong

in the same sentence.

He's walking the dogs.

You mean dog?

No, I mean dogs, dear.

Old Doc Proctor's paying

Ferguson to walk his dogs, too.

That abrasive

evil mutant mutt hounds?

♪♪

(yelling)

(clattering)

(dogs growling)

Sit!

Sit, Strangler!

Sit, Babar!

Sit, Warmonger!

Good!

Good boys!

Stay!

Stay, stay!

Ferguson!

Mush, mush!

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪

♪ Nana-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪