01x11 - Sick Days

[bunniefuu]

[alarm buzzing]

[lullaby music]

♪

- Some days, you zip out of bed with a smile on your face

and a song in your heart.

Me, I usually hit the snooze button

to cop a few extra Zs.

But why is it that knowing the alarm will go off

in five minutes takes all the fun out of sleeping?

Pretty soon now,

if Mom doesn't hear me moving around,

she'll send in the reserves.

[knock at door]

- Hey, sport, time to get up.

- Dad, I'm already awake.

Next comes that one-woman pep squad

of sunshine and cheer.

Here she is, Janet Darling.

- Okay, Clarissa.

Jolly round man Mr. Sun says rise and shine.

[bouncy jazz music]

- I'm rising. I'm shining.

Just two more minutes.

- On the double, Miss Darling.

- Look.

I'm up. I'm awake.

- I want to see you downstairs in ten minutes.

Pronto. - Okay.

Some mornings, you just don't want to go to school.

It's not that I've got anything against education,

but here are some ways I've avoided school in the past.

Dentist appointments have been good

for getting out of school,

but the problem with a dentist appointment

is that you usually have to go to the dentist.

[drill buzzing]

Extended family vacations can also be good

for getting out of school,

but they can have their downsides too.

Why do those extra vacation days

always have to turn into a nightmare?

[wind howling]

And then there's the time-honored traditional way

of avoiding school:

get sick.

Gee, that's funny.

I feel a cold coming on.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

- Let's face it: not feeling good is the pits,

but there's a good side to getting sick too.

I remember fondly my first childhood disease.

When I was seven, I got the chickenpox

from Chucky Frumper.

It was itchy,

but being a human connect-the-dot puzzle

was kind of fun.

This time, I think I'll go for the good old-fashioned cold.

Soggy socks are great for the sniffles.

[ladder bangs]

- Hey, Clarissa. Give me a hand.

[twangy guitar chord]

- What is this, Sam?

- It's an aquarium.

- Well, what happened to your fish?

- Here they are.

Watch out. Willy's a little high-strung.

When he's scared, he swims in circles.

- How else can you swim in an aquarium?

- Well, actually, Mookie zigzags,

and Babe kind of slinks around at the bottom.

They all have their special habits.

You'll see. - I will?

- Dad's been fumigating lately.

- Fumigating?

- Yeah, I guess we left out a few too many frozen dinners.

Do you think you could fish-sit for a few days?

Fumes are bad for fish.

- But, Sam, I already have a pet.

- I'm sure Elvis would enjoy the company.

Wouldn't you, guy?

- Don't alligators eat fish?

- You wouldn't let Elvis do that.

Besides, I thought you liked fish.

- I love tuna sandwiches.

- Clarissa.

Don't talk that way around the guys.

- Just kidding.

But, Sam, tell your fish, no loud parties.

- So you ready for Ancient Greece Day?

- I'm sorry to say I won't be able to make it.

- Really?

- I think I feel a cold coming on

any minute now.

- You're still bummed? - Bummed?

Just because they want me to dance around in a sheet

for another one of Mrs. Engelberger's

stupid pageants?

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

This year, I'm Pan.

I'm supposed to play a clay flute

and sit in the foothills of a papier-mâché Mount Olympus.

- At least you get to sit down. - Yeah, you've got it tough.

- I'm a pillar, Sam. A pillar!

Mrs. Engelberger's written a special poem for me to recite

about how great it is to hold up the Parthenon.

Give me a break.

- It's kind of short notice for getting sick.

- I know,

but I jumped around

in a bunch of puddles for an hour.

I should be showing symptoms any minute now.

Is there a coat on my tongue?

- Not even a T-shirt.

It looks normal to me. - Wait, listen to my cough.

[imitates cough]

- You've got to give it more than that.

Give it a hack like this.

[imitates hoarse cough]

- [imitates cough]

- Again.

- [imitates cough]

- One more time.

- [imitates cough]

- More phlegm.

- [hacks and coughs]

- Again.

- Sam, you're gonna make me sick.

Wait, feel my head. See if I've got a temperature.

- I can't tell.

Is your head hot, or is my hand cold?

Or maybe your head's cold and my hand's burning up.

I think you're normal. - What am I gonna do?

- I think this calls for the one surefire method

of getting a sick day.

- What's that? - Fake it.

- I guess it's either that or start memorizing the poem

for Ancient Greece Day.

Am I looking a little under the weather?

It never hurts to help nature along.

Ever since I started at Thomas Tupper Junior High,

Mrs. Engelberger's pageant days have been a burr on my butt.

Here are some of the painful pageants from the past.

First there was the prehistoric pageant.

That was a Stone Age nightmare.

I was the tail of the Tyrannosaurus rex.

Hey.

Where's everybody going?

You guys!

Then there was the Christmas pageant.

Ferg-wad was a wise man...

And me, I got to stand behind him and swing myrrh.

I smelled like a cured ham for a week.

[coughing]

Ferguson gets all the good parts

because he spends every waking minute

sucking up to Mrs. Engelberger.

I'm getting out of this Ancient Greece Day

if it's the last thing I do,

and that's nothing to sneeze about.

[sneezes]

Or maybe it is.

[imitates sneeze]

[imitates sneezing]

- This come-as-you-were high school reunion

is going to be fun.

Can you zip me up, dear?

- Now, remember, hon,

don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't fit.

- What makes you think it won't fit?

- Well, you know...

- Oh, hi, honey. - Oh, hey, Mom.

- Well, you had two children.

You're not the same woman you were when you were .

Ooh. - It fits.

- Hey, huh?

What a great idea to have everybody wear

what they wore in high school.

- [sneezes, coughs] - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Something go down the wrong windpipe there, sport?

- Honey, get yourself a glass of water, huh?

Oh. - What?

- Look, dear.

Your leather jacket. - Hey.

- Oh, you looked so handsome in this.

- [sneezes]

- Bless you. - Thank you.

- Oh, yeah, hey.

I was the king of cool.

- [sneezes]

both: Bless you. - Oh, thanks again.

- Yeah, I was Marlon Brando and...

James Dean and Steve McQueen all--

all rolled in-- in--in one.

You got to give me a little help here, Janet.

- Well, dear, you're just a tiny bit heavier than you were.

- There. - Oh.

- [groans]

Janet, you got to help me. I got to lose some weight.

- Marshall, we've been through this a thousand times.

Whenever I try to help you diet,

I always end up being the bad guy.

- [coughing]

- Clarissa, are you all right?

- Oh, me? I'm fine.

- Well, you sound like

you're coming down with something, sport.

- Oh, it's just a little cold in my nose.

Nothing to worry about. - Does your throat hurt, dear?

- Well, it is a little scratchy.

- Well, Clarissa, you sound like you've got a bad bug.

Do you have a temperature, dear?

- I feel pretty hot,

but there's so much to do at school.

- Well, if you have a temperature,

you're not going to school.

[triumphant musical flourish]

Really? No school?

- Let's take your temperature, huh?

- Oh, that's okay.

You don't have to go upstairs to get the thermometer.

I'm sure I have a temperature. - That's all right.

There's a thermometer in the first aid kit

in the kitchen.

- How convenient.

- Well, Clarissa, it seems you don't have a fever.

- Are you sure?

- I've already taken your temperature three times.

You're normal.

- How about the best out of seven?

- Ooh, your sinuses seem to have cleared up.

- Oh, that comes and goes. - Mm, yes.

You know, I think you might have a case

of spiral viral neuromania.

- Spiral what?

- Oh, it's a very rare tropical disease.

It usually only strikes kids who don't want to go to school.

- I recommend that you take two cookies

and call me in the morning.

Oh, and, Clarissa, dear. - Yeah, Mom?

- Wash that powder off your face before you go to bed.

It's bad for your complexion.

- Gee, what's a girl got to do to get sick around here?

Hey, Willy, quit hogging all the flakes.

- That's Mookie. - Sorry.

- So how'd the great American fake-out go?

- I struck out. Mom took my temperature.

- Ooh, parents can be so tricky sometimes.

- Move, Mookie. - That's Babe.

You can tell because she follows behind Mookie.

She likes him. - You've got to be kidding.

- Hey, there's a whole world of stuff going on in that t*nk.

You just have to look for it.

Well, got to be going.

Night, guys.See you.

- Bye, Sam.

Hey, Babe really is following Mookie.

Wow, maybe Sam's right.

Maybe there is a whole underwater soap opera

in that little sea of love just below the surface.

[water bubbling]

It's time for "As the t*nk Turns."

[melodramatic organ music]

Meet Willy.

He wiggled his way to the top

from an algae-filled aquarium at Donny's Pet World.

Then there's Babe-- young, vivacious, scaly.

She only has gills for Mookie.

But he's a cold fish in love with a plastic mermaid.

How will the tides turn for this hapless trio?

Find out in the next episode of "As the t*nk Turns."

And what will happen to me

as I face up to my future as a pillar?

Stay tuned for that exciting episode.

- Mom, don't we have any other sheets?

- You used to love these sheets when you were younger.

- Mom, I don't think Zeus would wear a toga

with hippos and bears on it for Ancient Greece Day.

- Oh?

- I mean, I'm not some dumb pillar.

I'm king of the gods.

- Yeah, just because you're Mrs. Engelberger's pet.

- She happens to recognize my superior ability.

- Superior ability to suck up.

I'm sure leaving chocolate-covered cherries

on her desk every week for the last year didn't hurt.

- At least I'm not a column of cement.

- At least I'm not gonna look like a toothpick

in that skimpy little toga.

They're gonna laugh you off Mount Olympus.

- Now, guys, that's enough.

Clarissa, would you like a soy muffin?

- No, thanks, Mom. I'm not hungry.

- Oh. - I'll have another one.

- Marshall, you don't want to do that.

- I don't. - It's not on your program.

- Right. Aren't they low-cal?

- They're not low-cal if you eat ten of them.

- You're right, honey.

I can't believe I can't have another muffin.

- [sneezes]

- Bless you. Whoa.

You're not coming down with that

spiral viral neuromania again, are you, sport?

- No, Dad, I think I'm resigned to my fate.

I'll never miss another day of school again.

- What are you doing, Clarissa?

- Trying to open this window.

It's really hot in here. - Hot?

Clarissa, you don't look very well.

- I'm fine. Let's face it.

I'll be healthy for the rest of my life.

- I think we better take your temperature one more time.

- She's obviously trying to fake being sick and acting well

so you think she's really sick.

- Ferguson, you're totally twisted.

- Shh. Don't talk, Clarissa.

Get the phone book, dear. - Is she okay?

- Well, you've got yourself a fever, all right.

- I do? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, no, I can't believe this.

I was gonna strike her with my lightning bolt.

- Come on, Ferguson.

- Okay, now, up to bed with you.

We'll bring you some fluids. I'll call Dr. Festerspoon.

- Yes, I'm sick. I'm sick!

I hope I'm not too sick to enjoy this.

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

- Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh.

[inhaling sharply]

[sneezes]

- Bless you.

What is it, Dr. Festerspoon?

- Oh, just an upper respiratory tract infection.

I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.

I'm taking medication, oh, and I've been to a doctor.

- No, Dr. Festerspoon, what's wrong with Clarissa?

- Oh, well, my dear,

I'm afraid you have caught yourself a rhinovirus.

- Rhinovirus?

- It's an upper respitorial disorder

with glandular aggravation.

In layman's terms, it's a...

[inhaling sharply]

[sneezes]

A cold. - Bless you.

- Well, that's a relief.

- Now, I want you to stay in bed for a week

and take this cough syrup every four hours.

- Can't I stay in bed for four hours

and take cough syrup every week?

- So do you think she'll be okay?

- Oh, she'll back on her feet in no time.

- That's great, Doc.

- But, young lady, you must stay in bed.

I wouldn't want this rhinovirus

to develop into what's going around these days.

You just might catch the Sichuan flu.

- The Sichuan flu? What's that?

- Oh, that's a nasty stomach virus

that wanders all over your body when you're weak.

- Ew!

- So stay in bed and take care of yourself.

[inhaling sharply]

[sneezes]

- Bless you, Dr. Festerspoon. - Yes.

- Honey, we'll be right back.

- Wow, the Sichuan flu.

That's pretty scary.

I wonder if there's a wandering virus

sneaking around inside me right now.

[harp glissando]

- Mmm, looks pretty good.

I think I'll hang out here awhile.

Hold on to your large intestines.

It's virus time!

[jabbers]

[snarling]

[jabbering]

Whoo!

- [groans]

what a nightmare.

[pounding]

who is it?

[pounding]

Get lost, Ferg-wad.

- Don't get close. You'll infect me.

- [coughs]

- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

- Hey, guys, we had a lot more fun

than they had at school, didn't we?

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord] - Hey.

How are you and the three fish-keteers?

- We're holding up. How was school?

- Great.

Hey, do you know anyone with a drum set?

- Buster Billington's got a set in his garage.

- What's it for? - Ancient Greece Day.

- I thought you had to play the clay flute.

- They've changed Ancient Greece Day.

They're bringing it into the 's.

We're gonna shake, rattle, and rock and roll.

- I didn't know Mrs. Engelberger

was into rocking and rolling.

- She's not.

Mrs. Engelberger's home sick

with some kind of Chinese Sichuan virus or something.

- Wow, I guess it is going around.

- Yeah, Mr. Futstein's in charge now,

and it's going to be cool.

He's trying to get Queen Latifah

to perform in the Parthenon.

All the pillars get to sing backup.

- No way.

- Yeah, I get to play whatever instrument I want.

- Sam... - Mr. Futstein says

it's the spirit of music that counts.

- I can't miss Queen Latifah.

- But you're sick.

- But I made myself get sick,

so I'll just have to make myself get better.

Do you know any cures?

- My grandmother says a zinc lozenge

washed down with castor oil and chicken lard

works miracles.

Of course, it tastes like pond scum.

- Ugh!

Maybe it's a mental thing,

you know, like biofeedback.

I'm getting well. I'm feeling well.

I'm really well. I'm really, really well.

[sneezes]

- Well, if all else fails,

there's one surefire method you could try.

- What's that? - Fake it.

- That's what you said about getting sick.

- Hey, when you have a great idea, stick with it.

- [grunting]

[panting]

I just did sit-ups. - Uh-huh.

- Okay, ,

but I feel like a million bucks.

Hey, what do you say we go out to dinner

as a special treat?

- Marshall, we shouldn't go out for dinner

if you're dieting.

- I'll order a salad.

- Then why go out for dinner?

I'll make you a nice healthy salad at home.

- Well, yeah, but what about

the piping hot basket of warm bread

and the shell-shaped pats of butter?

- Marshall. - Oh, yeah.

- Clarissa, what are you doing out of bed?

- Oh, I'm feeling much better. - Really?

- You sure you're okay? - I'm fine.

- Oh.

- [sneezes]

- Back to bed, Clarissa. - But I feel great.

- Uh-uh-uh-uh, you shouldn't be up with that cough.

- Cough? - Yeah.

- What cough?

[laughs and coughs]

I was just laughing because I have my health back.

[laughs and coughs]

I love that healthy feeling.

- This is an outrage!

Ancient Greece Day has been ruined by a philistine.

I don't even get to sit on Mount Olympus anymore.

- You don't?

- I've been replaced by the Acropolis.

Doesn't Mr. Futstein know

that Zeus is the king of the gods?

- Don't you mean king of the suck-ups?

Mom, I have to go to school tomorrow.

The Parthenon needs me.

- Sport, you are not going anywhere with that fever.

- But I'm normal.

- [scoffs] That's a laugh.

- Well, you still feel warm to me.

- I'll get her cough syrup.

- And I'll bring you a nice big bowl of pudding.

- Pudding?

What flavor pudding?

Well, I'm just curious.

You shouldn't talk about pudding like that.

How am I supposed to stay on a diet?

- Marshall, I never wanted to run your diet.

If you want to lose weight,

you're gonna have to lose it yourself.

- Jeez, dieting certainly makes her cranky.

[knock at door]

- I've spoken with Dr. Festerspoon.

I'm sorry, dear,

but it seems that the Sichuan flu is rampant.

Even Doris Datson at the museum's got it.

You'll have to stay in bed, dear.

- But, Mom, I can't miss Queen Latifah

and Ancient Greece Day.

- I'm sorry, sweetheart,

but Ferguson will give you a full report, hmm?

- Oh, great.

Now I have something to live for.

Hey, it's not like I don't know

how to amuse myself when I'm sick.

I've been totally swamped

with a ton of stimulating activities.

First I played Pill Stack.

That kept me occupied for at least an hour.

Then there was Fun with Fluids.

Boy, was that a mirthquake of musical fun.

[glasses clinking melodiously]

♪

Finally I made a few important phone calls

to everyone's answering machines.

[answering machine beeps]

Hi, Jodi, guess you're in school,

but I just wanted to tell you that I'm not

because I'm sick.

[answering machine beeps]

Hi, sophie. Guess what.

I'm sick, and you're not.

[answering machine beeps]

Hi, Mrs. Selma, this is Clarissa Darling.

You probably don't remember me from preschool,

but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sick.

Bored?

Who's bored? Do I look bored?

I'm not bored. I'm going crazy!

Willy. Hey, Willy.

What's going on in there?

Say you want to get out, huh, kid?

I know the feeling.

You feel trapped. You want to cut loose, escape.

Hey, that's it.

I may be going to Ancient Greece Day after all.

Hi, Sam. No, the fish are fine.

Yes, Mookie ate all his food.

I've got a plan to get to Ancient Greece Day.

Yeah, I'll need a few supplies. Here's what you do.

- Now, here are phone numbers for your father and me,

the Soapersteins, Dr. Festerspoon, the fire--

- Mom, we've been through this.

- And make sure you drink plenty of liquids, sport.

- I know. I know.

- Hey, I'm gonna be late for Ancient Greece Day.

- All right.

Bye, Clarissa. - Bye.

- Get well, sport. - Thanks.

- I'll send your regards to Queen Latifah.

- Get lost, Ferg-breath.

[sighs] Finally.

[ladder bangs]

[twangy guitar chord]

- Okay, are you sure you want to do this?

- Of course I'm sure, Sam.

I'm a pillar.

A pillar is steadfast and dependable.

- Okay, then right this way. - One minute.

[snores and sneezes playing on tape]

There, that should do it.

- Wow, I'm in the presence of a mastermind.

- Naturally. Come on, let's go.

[coughs playing on tape]

Shh.

Sam, you're making too much noise.

- What difference does it make? No one's here.

- Shh, stop. - Now I'm really gonna be late.

- It's Mom and Dad.

Quick. Let's go through the back.

- Ferguson, we're all gonna be late.

- Hurry, my cloud is coming undone.

- Ferguson, this will only take a second.

- That was close.

- I think I hear them leaving.

- I can't believe my cloud is coming apart.

- Calm down, Ferguson. I'll just patch it up.

Clarissa, what are you doing out of bed?

- Hi, Mom.

I was just getting a little juice.

- I see. Sam, what are you doing here?

- Well, I-- - Sam was just helping me.

- That's right.

I was in the neighborhood,

and with Clarissa being sick and all,

I thought I'd stop by.

- And your clothes and the school bags?

- Oh, that. - Oh, see.

I was taking her books to school

because they got lonely for the other books.

- We get the picture.

- Look at the time. Well, I got to be going.

Bye. - Bye, Sam.

- Now, upstairs to bed.

- Mom, Dad,

you have to let me go to school.

I can't miss this.

If you let me go to Ancient Greece Day,

I'll stay home for the rest of my life.

Everyone will be there.

- Clarissa. - Please?

- Mm-mm-mm.

- You're not gonna let me go?

- Clarissa, when you're sick, you're sick.

And you know what, sport? - I know.

I'm still...

[sneezes]

Sick. - Yeah.

Bingo. - Bless you.

There will be lots of other pageants.

- I tell you what.

You go up to bed and I'll go and rent you

any video that you want.

-Little Mermaid andBeetlejuice?

- You got it.

- And I'll bring you a nice big bowl of ice cream.

- Peanut butter swirl? - Peanut butter swirl it is.

- Oh, what do I get?

Mom, Dad,

I think I'm coming down with something.

I don't feel very well.

- There's no cure for what you have, Ferg-face.

[dejected brass tone]

Hi, Sam. How are my favorite fish?

- Mookie's been a little down in the gills,

but I think this will perk him up.

- What? - You know what they say.

There's always more fish in the sea.

Say hello to Angel.

- She'll put an end to that torrid love triangle.

- So how are you feeling? - Much better.

You know, Sam, we may be the only two people left in town

who don't have the Sichuan flu.

- Yeah, Mr. Futstein's still sick.

I can't believe they canceled Ancient Greece Day.

- Ancient Greece Day is history.

- [coughing] - Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

- Hey. - I was just gonna

bring you guys your fluids.

- Oh.

- Hey, this liquid diet's really working.

I'm gonna be in my fighting weight

in time for the reunion.

- Have you seen the vaporizer, dear?

- No, I haven't, honey.

- Hey. [coughs]

Where's my juice?

- Here you are, little brother,

ambrosia specially brewed just for you.

- I can't believe you got us all sick.

- Well, you may not be king of the gods,

but you can still be king of the Kleenex tissues.

- [sneezes]

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na