01x09 - Brain Drain

[bunniefuu]

O.K. You're wondering about the glasses.

No, I'm not starting a British rock group.

I'm just trying to look smart.

See, looking smart is really about accessories.

O.K. First, the dorky glasses.

Dorky glasses show that you read so much,

you have permanent eyestrain.

Next, carry thick books.

The writer should be someone

with a foreign name you can't pronounce.

And here's a little trick.

Make pencil comments in the margin

and let other people see them,

things like, "How true!" exclamation point,

or, "I disagree!!"

exclamation point, exclamation point.

[knock on door]

Now that you look smart, you'll have to sound smart,

which is even easier.

All you have to do is add the letters "A-G-E" to everything.

"Catch my driftage?"

Okay, now that you look smart and sound smart,

is that enough to make you smart?

Only if you're stupid enough not to know the difference.

It's like my history teacher, Mr. Futtstein, always says,

"It's not what you know that makes you smart.

It's knowing what you don't know."

It's dangerous to think you know everything.

Morning, Ferg-face.

How true, how true.

But I already knew that.

Take my brother...

Please!

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it ♪

You kids are gonna love this cauliflower ice cream.

Cauliflower ice cream?

Gee, Mom, did you know that cauliflower

chemically resembles milk?

It's the one vegetable

that is closely related to the dairy group.

Really, Ferguson? That's very interesting.

Mom, he's making it up.

It's a hypothesis of mine.

I'm currently working up the experimental verification.

Then why don't they milk cauliflowers?

Of course, not all theories are ultimately proven to be true.

Mom, perhaps you'd like some help

granulating that vegetal substance?

Why, thank you, Ferguson.

O.K. You've probably noticed

that Fergbreath is acting even more obnoxious than usual.

Here's why.

It was Tuesday, p.m.

Ferguson Darling's class is given IQ tests at school.

Ferguson is asked

if pleeps are floops and floops are leaps,

then what are pleeps?

Ferghead answers "leaps" and thinks he's scored--

scored big.

He attempts to verify.

Gee, Mrs. Engelberger, that was the most enjoyable test I've ever taken.

I just hope I didn't perform below my potential.

See, I'm afraid I might be stupid.

Stupid? Why, Ferguson, you scored the highest in the class.

Not in the whole school?

I mean...Really? The highest?

You're in the top % of the country

in your age group.

Of course, it's best to keep this information to yourself

and not let it go to your head.

Absolutely. Of course. I would never let it go to my head.

Yes! Yes!

I'm a genius! Yes!

It's enough to have a cretin like Ferguson for a brother.

Now I have a cretin brother who thinks he's a genius.

Dad, can you sign my application

for the Young and Gifted Society?

Well, sure, Ferguson, but yesterday you had me sign

a consent sheet for an accelerated learning program.

Dear, don't you think

you're overextending yourself?

Mom, I believe a young mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Fortunately, they didn't waste one on you.

Isn't it time, Mom, for my high-protein brain power shake?

Okay, maybe Fergwad did get a high IQ score,

but if he's so smart,

why does he give such stupid Christmas presents?

How come he has to cheat at miniature golf?

And would a real genius get into so many dumb kitchen accidents?

Hey! What--what is this?

You forgot to put the top on!

Thank you for reminding me, Dad.

I was preoccupied asking myself,

should I compose a symphony, like Mozart,

discover a cure for the common cold,

or simply invent a better blender?

Maybe you should start with a cure for nausea.

Blech!

Okay, Elvis, which of these four

is least like the other three?

Tuna sandwich...

Pizza...

Ferguson...

[growl]

Cheeseburger.

[growl]

Hi, Sam. Watch out for Elvis.

Hey, what's up?

I've designed an IQ test for Elvis.

How's he doing?

I think he can score higher than Fergbrains

if I ask the right questions.

What's with the egg?

It's for human sciences class.

Mr. Smudney is teaching us responsibility.

Responsibility for an egg?

Actually, for a baby.

But Mr. Smudney thinks if we learn how to take care of an egg,

we'll have a greater appreciation for life.

Besides, he owns a chicken farm.

Well, how do you know if you're doing well?

I get an "F" if my egg breaks.

Here.

You better use this for a nest.

Thanks. Hey, maybe you should see

how Elvis responds to television.

Great idea.

Hold on, Elvis.

[audience cheering]

We'll be back with more Brain Drain!,

where the super-quizziest quiz kids

in the tri-state area face off to answer the questions

that boggle the brain and stump the stupid.

'Cause being smart is an art.

And the loser has to take the long, disgusting ride

down that goopy brain drain.

Bye-bye!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

It's sticky, it's yucky, it's goopy goo!

Brain Drain!The smartest show on television.

Ah! I see you're watching your intellectual superiors

engage in a high-powered competition.

What do you want, Ferganoid?

I just want to inform you that for the next hour,

I'll be shutting off the plumbing

while I test my theory on the dehydration of water.

That's a good idea. You can package it for camping trips.

Hey, what are you doing?

Borrowing your TV.

Mom and Dad gave me permission.

Permission to steal?

It's for research.

They said you could use the TV downstairs

for purposes of mere entertainment.

Does getting that score makes Fergwit a genius,

or would he still be a genius without the score?

I think it's a whole "which came first,

the chicken or the egg?" kind of thing.

I thought it was more like "does a tree falling in an empty forest

make a sound?" kind of thing.

Maybe it's a "grass is always greener

on the other side" situation.

Well, I'd better go. I have to defrost the pizza

before my dad gets home.

Hey, Sam, you forgot your egg.

Oh, thanks. And this is only the first day!

It says here you should allow your gifted child

full access to kitchen and work areas.

But Janet, I don't see why he has to use my drafting table and desk.

Has anyone seen my calculator?

It says it's important to "permit time for thinking and daydreaming.

"Just because your child does not look busy

does not mean his mind is not busy."

So you mean when Ferguson's picking his nose,

he's really thinking deep thoughts?

Oh, Clarissa, I told Ferguson he could ask you

about borrowing your television set.

Well, Mom, he already helped himself.

But do you know if he took my calculator too?

My T square is missing.

Now, guys, you know sometimes Ferguson tends to overcompensate

because he's the youngest.

Does he have to overcompensate

by stealingmystuff?

Let's try to be supportive, huh?

Now, where did I put that mini clip-on light

with the adjustable magnifying lens?

Ferguson?

Okay, here are some ways I think we could be more supportive of Fergwit.

Number one, send Ferghead

to an Albanian learning school.

Stupid American!

I said take from potato potato!

But then there won't be any potatoes left

for dinner!

Of course not! Ha ha!

Number two, enroll him in an intensive marine science course

on a long sea voyage.

Get me out of here!

Then there's always freezing his brain

until more advanced forms of education are developed.

And if these don't help Ferguson's education,

they would still do me a lot of good.

Excuse me, Janet, has Carl Sagan returned my phone call yet?

What did you say, Ferguson?

Janet, I was merely inquiring

if my esteemed colleague Carl Sagan had called.

Ferguson, did you call me Janet?

As an intellectual peer,

I feel the terms "mom" and "dad"

connote a childish frame of mind.

Oh.

Ferguson.

Yes, Marshall?

She Mom, me Dad, you Ferguson.

You got it?

Absolutely, Dad. I see your point.

There are definite advantages

to familial forms of address.

Thanks, son.

Oh, uh, you know, there's a father-son field day next weekend--

architects versus the zoning board.

What do you say?

Will there be strenuous physical activity?

Yeah. It will be great--

yeah, softball, capture the flag,

horseshoe tossing, potato-sack races.

Oh, I'd love to, Dad, but any sport

requiring strenuous manual dexterity

could be trouble.

I have to preserve my hands

in case neurosurgery beckons.

Oh, by the way, Dad, I noticed your little design problem.

If you square the hypotenuse,

you'll find you can more than triple the floor space.

What?

Hey, he's right!

Thanks, Ferguson.

Everyone's allowed a lucky guess.

What if it's true?

What if Ferguson really is a child genius?

Imagine what that would do to the rest of the world.

Think of the damage he could cause in any field, like relativity.

The important thing to remember

about the theory of relativity

is that it demonstrates

how all beings are relatively inferior

relative to me,

particularly my relatives.

And what would music be like composed by such a monster?

Someday, this will be the mantra of the universe.

So, could it be--

Ferguson Darling, child genius?

Nah.

Hey, Ferghead.

Go away.

I'm in the middle of important research.

Aha! My calculator.

What can I do for you, sister dear?

Having trouble with your childish calculations?

I want my stuff back.

Aw, you mean the paltry material possessions

with which you've made petty emotional attachments?

Now, Ferg-face!

I'd love to return the aforementioned items,

but the NAASP--

National Association for the Advancement of Smart People--

reserves the right to appropriate all calculators, electronic equipment--

My television, please, or I destroy these!

Give that back!

Another application to one of your phony study groups?

This happens to be an application to get on Brain--

Forget it. Take your TV.

What's this?

Hey, that's confidential to the NAASP!

What is this?

I, Ferguson Darling, have discovered

the secret to a utopian tomorrow.

In Fergusworld, weather will be carefully regulated,

population strictly controlled,

and video game stores abundantly stocked,

all beneath a sealed geo-Fergus dome.

Fergusworld is just a shopping mall

with a statue of you in the center.

I plan to bring all civilization

to a more advanced level of Fergusness.

Mom and Dad can't afford this.

Just how do you plan to finance Fergus Mall?

Mom and Dad? Ha! I don't have to worry about Mom and Dad anymore!

Once the prize money comes in.

Prize money?

Did I say "prize money"?

You said "prize money."

Oh...You know... The Nobel Prize money.

And with my television appearance--

You're going to be on TV?

I don't see why that's any of your business.

Of course not.

I'm sure you're not talking about going on a TV show

with prize money-- say, Brain Drain!?

What do I care if you know my plan?

It's too late for you or anyone!

No one can stop me now!

First I'll conquer Brain Drain!, then the world!

I've got to stop him before it's too late!

There must be something in here

that will help me stop Ferguson.

I managed to get a peek at his five-year-plan for world domination.

Let's look at the calendar.

In exactly weeks, days, and / hours,

Ferguson appears on Brain Drain!

I won! I won!

Eight months later, Ferguson invests money

in Inceptronics Video Games, Limited.

He buys on margin, triples profit.

Sell.

Step three--Ferguson buys bank mortgage on our house,

puts it up for sale.

Step four-- Ferguson breaks ground

for construction of Fergusworld.

And the final step--

Fergusworld franchised across the globe.

It's mine...

All mine!

There you have it--

Ferguson Darling, world ruler, in five easy steps.

I can't just sit back and watch it happen.

Hi, Sam.

Hi.

Nice satchel.

I couldn't find a sitter.

What are you reading?

Ferguson's books.

From Learning to Earning.

I'm Smart, You're Not.

I'm looking for a counterattack.

Don't you think you're overreacting

to a simple case of Fergus ego on parade?

This is bigger than Ferguson's ego.

We're talking about the future of civilization as we know it.

I think you're getting carried away.

Listen to this.

Cool. The perfect reason

to stop doing homework.

Don't you realize that this is the answer?

Answer to what?

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna give Fergbreath the gentle nudging he needs.

It'll push him right over the edge.

O.K., here's our first question.

Pasteurization was developed by what French chemist?

Adam.

Napoleon Bonaparte.

[buzz]

Wrong.

The correct answer is Louis Pasteur,

you idiot!

[knock on door]

Hi, Ferg-face. I'm so glad

to see that you're making educational use of my TV.

Thank you, but if you don't mind,

I can't be bothered by little people as I prepare

for my supreme challenge and ultimate victory.

Well, I have here some great study materials

that might help you.

Every Question in the World,

Every Answer in the World,

You, Too, Can Know Everything in the World,

and Dress for Success.

Dress for Success?

As future world ruler, it's important for you to present the right image--

you know, the right clothes, the right shoes, the proper hairstyles.

You're trying to trick me with all this stuff.

How could I trick you? You're a genius.

Hmm... That's true.

I'm surprised I even thought of that.

Hey, guys.

How's it going, Ferguson?

His head is getting bigger even as we speak.

I can actually feel my brain growing.

Well, why don't you give it a breather?

We'll go up to Lake Baxter and we'll do some fishing,

get out in the sunshine.

Well, it might be fun to rejuvenate

the melanin content of my epidermis.

Ferguson, think about your studying.

You haven't even covered the names of the lower sponge phyla yet.

You're right. I must study.

You understand. Genius beckons.

Oh, yeah, well, if you change your mind,

let me know.

That means you too. Please run along.

My brain waves may be dangerous.

Okay, I just thought you might like to see

a computerized software study schedule used by prominent geniuses.

I'm doing fine on my own, thank you.

Obie-kabie. You don't have to see it if you don't want to.

Wait. It couldn't hurt to take a look.

With Captain Einstein's genius software,

you are able to learn virtually everything there is to know

about virtually everything

in approximately weeks, days,

and / hours.

That's exactly how much time I have till Brain Drain!

Hey, isn't that great?

Hey, brain food.

We'll start with philosophy.

See, all you have to do is swallow all those books.

Look how big my mouth is!

True to life.

You're ready for a new subject.

Ornithology. There are so many books!

Faster! You can do it.

I'm already up to musicology!

You're a genius.

Hey, my head's exploding!

Just so full of... Knowledge.

Wow, I really can learn everything in the world.

But you better get started. You're already seconds behind schedule.

I think I'll try that again.

[gulp]

[gulp]

How can he study so much?

Maybe his brain is made of expandable gummy bears.

Or Spandex. He's memorized

up to volumes PA-PR of the encyclopedia.

And his brain still hasn't exploded?

We need a new plan.

I don't know, Sam.

For the first time, I think I hit a wall.

I mean, the Fergmonsteris actually getting smarter.

Well, there's only one way to stop him.

Dip him in formaldehyde and donate his parts to science?

No, you gotta b*at him at his own game.

You mean...

Exactly.

You've got to get on that show and show him who's boss.

How am I gonna get on Brain Drain! in two weeks?

Do you still have a copy of the application?

Yeah, but even if I pass, how am I gonna get on the show in time?

My dad says smart people know

it's notwhatyou know, it'swhoyou know.

What do you mean? I don't know anyone.

My dad knows someone down at the TV station. I'll ask him.

Thanks. Hey, Sam...

Huh?

You forgot your egg.

Gee...I hope I'm not doomed

to become an irresponsible parent.

Ferguson, more lima bean ice cream?

Did you know that Lima beans take their name from--

oh, never mind.

That's O.K., honey. Take a break.

Well, I am a little tired.

Have another scoop, huh?

You know, family,

it's times like these--

special times when we get to kick back,

put our feet up--

that call for a good cigar.

Ferguson...

Forget it.

Dad, you know, I've been reconsidering

the father-son field day.

Really? Oh, we'll have a great time.

We'll do the father-son sack race--

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Darling residence.

Hi, Sam.

You're kidding.

You are kidding.

You're kidding!

Are you kidding?

That's awesome. Thanks, Sam.

Well? Was he kidding?

Ferguson, I don't think you don't want to take

any more time away from your studying.

Well, the show's still two weeks away,

and since I'm a genius--

Actually, they changed your appearance on the show to next week.

They did?

Yeah. That was Sam.

See, I filled out an application to Brain Drain!

And Sam's dad knows the guy

who's the voice of Brain Drain!

They think a brother-sister show is really neat.

Can you believe it?

They want us on the show together next week.

That's incredible.

Aah!

Ferguson, are you all right?

This is an outrage! I'm the genius!

Me! I'm the one!

Now, Ferguson, I think it's wonderful that your sister will be there with you.

I'll bury you!

Keep studying, Fergwad.

I'll be in my room memorizing the periodic tables.

How do you cram for a game show?

You can cram for anything.

Why spend a whole semester on doing what you can do in a day?

But can you learn it all in a day?

Hey, it's kinda like brushing and flossing before you go to the dentist

to make up for the months of neglect.

My dentist can always tell.

Well, I guess I've done all I can do.

At least I know what I know.

You'll do great.

Just remember that flammable means

the same thing as inflammable.

They love that question.

Hey, Sam, where's your egg?

I can't find it anywhere.

But it's due Monday!

Yeah. I'll probably get an "F."

Well, got to go.

Go where?

The supermarket.

I'm going to go reminisce in the dairy section.

[audience] Brain Drain!

Welcome to Brain Drain!

And here he is,

Dan Dowdy!

Hey, hey, hey, everybody, it's time to play Brain Drain!,

where the best and the brightest win big prizes

and the blunderheads slide down

that icky, goopy brain drain.

It's the smartest show on television.

After this message,

we'll meet today's goofy quiz kids

in a special brother and sister face-off.

All right, we're at commercial.

This should be fun.

Just get ready to take a dip in the goo.

Okay, munchkins, when we get back,

remember to look like you're thinking hard out there.

I'll try, Dan, but it's hard to think hard

when you already know everything.

Wow. That's a heavy thought, kid.

In , , ...

And we're back to play Brain Drain!

Let's give a big hello to our masterminds

Clarissa Darling

and Ferguson Darling.

Ferguson, tell us a little something about yourself.

Well, Dan, I'm the smartest one in my family.

I have a very high IQ.

Isn't that terrific?

What about you? Clarissa is an interesting name.

Where does it come from?

My parents gave it to me.

Isn't that amazing?

Let's start round one. When you hear this...

[buzz]

That's the sound of a wrong answer.

Three wrong answers,

and you'll be taking a ride down the brain drain.

Looks pretty slimy down there. Ha ha ha!

Here's our first question.

What is an imaginary number?

[beep] Clarissa.

An imaginary number is a number you make up in your dream,

like once I dreamt of this totally weird number--

it looked like an upside-down !

[buzz] Wrong. Ferguson.

Dan, an imaginary number is the square root of any negative real number.

[ding ding]

Right! You get $!

$ closer to Fergusworld.

Here's our next question.

What is an oxymoron?

[beep] Back to Clarissa.

An oxymoron is the pairing of words with opposite meanings--

for example, stupid genius.

That is correct!

I'm just lucky I have an oxymoron for a brother.

And that's $ for Clarissa.

That's the end of round one. And it's a tie!

So fire up those neurons for round two.

The Darlings will have the advantage

as they face off together

against our reigning brother and sister champions.

Yes, that's right-- two brother and sister teams!

Clarissa, join your brother,

and we'll meet the challengers and former champions.

We have to play together?

This can't be happening!

It's the Wertenhoffer twins.

Shelly, last time you came on,

you were finishing medical school.

That's right, Dan. Since I turned ,

I've been head of genetic experimentation

at the Planck Research Institute.

I also enjoy rollerblading.

Sheldon, I understand you're on your second Ph.D.

Yes, I'm writing my dissertation for a doctorate

in geomolecular biology.

My favorite food is finger-lickin' fried chicken.

I guess you'd call that brain food, huh?

Ha ha ha!

Time to psych up the synapses and play Brain Drain!

Remember, three wrong answers will get you a ride

down the cranial slide.

Here's your first question.

What is entropy?

[beep] Darlings.

Well? You're the genius.

Entropy, oh, I always get that confused with inertia.

So why did you buzz?

I need an answer in three seconds.

Is inertia entropy or is entropy inertia or--

Wrong!

What do you mean, wrong?

Wertenhoffers.

Dan, entropy is the tendency towards chaos...

of course.

That's $,!

Here's our next question.

What is the definition of pi?

[beep] Darlings.

Pie is a dish

consisting of a pastry crust

with a filling such as cherry,

apple, or lemon meringue.

It is often served a la mode.

[buzz] Wrong, wrong, wrong!

What do you mean, wrong?

Wertenhoffers?

Pi is equal to the ratio of the circumference

of a circle to its diameter.

Right! Another $, is yours!

How did I know you were talking about P-I and not P-I-E?

Yeah, you should've made it clear.

O.K., Darlings,

it's time for a bonus question

worth $,

straight from the brain box.

Here we go.

What is the difference between flammable and inflammable?

[beep] Darlings.

Flammable and inflammable--

This is an outrage! I heard him say "pie"!

You can't say "pie" when you mean "pi."

Will you let me answer? Flammable and inflammable are actually--

[buzz]

Oh, time's up!

The Wertenhoffers are our winners!

[applause]

Darlings, get ready to go down the brain drain.

This should be fun.

Bye-bye, cherry pie.

Look at them go!

Oh, yuck!

They're icky, they're sticky, and that's our show.

See you next week on Brain Drain!

Now I know what it feels like to be trapped in a Jell-O mold.